For the love of all that is holy, whatever you do today, do not click on any story that refers to Mario Kart, mushrooms or yetis. Don’t Google the terms. Don’t click on trending topics that include those words. If an article containing one or more of those words pops up in a news alert, place your phone on a sturdy surface and smash it to pieces with a heavy object.
Hang onto your innocence, comrades, because the prose you’d summon with that peculiar combination of keywords today will put images in your mind that will haunt you to your last breath.
You have been warned!
Open thread.
CTVoter
I wish someone had mentioned this before I checked Twitter this AM…
Spanky
I shave myself every day. Dunno why you have to shout about it.
Betty Cracker
@CTVoter: Me too! Maybe we can save a late-rising West Coaster…
TenguPhule
Sounds like there’s a story behind this.
shelley
What????
Keith P.
And whatever you do, don’t google “Seb Gorka Wario”
retr2327
@TenguPhule: Yes, but it’s not a freakishly small story . . . . just the least exciting story ever.
Roger Moore
We all knew this day was coming since there was a hint there might be Trump dick pics.
cope
Whatever you do, heed Betty’s advice…save yourselves. It’s too late for me (curse you, Raw Story…how raw can you get?) but there is no bettering your life by reading the Medusa hair of that to which Betty alludes.
Timurid
The current 90’s retro look of the site is fitting on a news day dominated by Mario Kart…
TenguPhule
China has decided that Trump only understands brute force.
WHeeeeeeeee!
Frankensteinbeck
Too late. Fortunately, I am not easily shocked. People who ever buy brain bleach, yeah, run the other way.
And let’s face it, people have been predicting here on Balloon Juice that sooner or later Stormy would physically describe Trump’s penis, and it would be small and his skills in bed pathetic. I think this is exactly why he pays off the women he’s slept with. This, right now, is his worst nightmare. No, not jail. He can’t imagine that happening to him. A woman has publicly testified that he is sexually inadequate.
I cannot imagine the suffering he will feel as soon as he finds out. In his narcissist, misogynist world, this is it, the absolute worst thing. Well, no, the worst will be the entire country knowing and talking about his inadequacy and making jokes about it, but he knows that immediately follows and he’ll have to watch it unfold.
I guess Stormy felt about like that when he took his pants off.
sukabi
@retr2327: and it’s over very quickly, from what I hear…
Frankensteinbeck
Gaah. I used the P word. Moderation release, please?
Omnes Omnibus
Too late. It was nice knowing you.
Brachiator
Too late.
Don’t follow this link.
Cheryl Rofer
I missed most of this on Twitter, confirming that I’ve done an outstanding job of curating my follows.
MagdaInBlack
Unfortunately……too late. I read.
Ack
Gelfling 545
I blundered into this information while scrolling through TPM. I may never be the same again. Now i just pray he doesn’t feel the need to tweet photographic evidence. Shudder.
Kraux Pas
Naturally the first thing I did was search those terms in precisely that order. Those of you with a strong stomach should be fine.
EricNNY
Too late. Can’t unsee that. Need some brain bleach.
El Caganer
What, no WH tweet storm yet? We’re not going to hear about his yuge and bigly johnson? Sad!
zhena gogolia
Thanks, Betty. I really didn’t need to know this.
Martin
@TenguPhule:
Reminder, tariffs are not paid by the country producing the good, but by the consumers buying the good. US consumers pay the tariff, not China. Trump is unaware of this. He thinks he’s paying for his tax cuts, but he’s only making them worse.
TenguPhule
Who could have possibly predicted this? Oh wait, WE DID.
And it gets worse.
NC is going to have to be declared a Superfund site and the GOP need to be exiled for life there.
Jack the Second
This is like Roko’s basilisk. Just knowing about it damns you.
Frankensteinbeck
Okay, the short version until my full comment is released from moderation:
This is Trump’s worst nightmare. It’s why he pays off the women he sleeps with. Now the whole country knows and is talking and making jokes about his sexual inadequacy.
Martin
So, any chance we get Sarah Sanders suggesting that the President’s unit is more Bowser than Toad?
Leto
@Cheryl Rofer: I think my decision to never join Twitter in the first place is really paying off on this one.
catclub
now firefox on windows is basically text only WTF
Timurid
@El Caganer:
He’s going to go totally bugfuck. This story is trivial in the real world, but the blow to his psyche is going to rival that from a Don Jr. or Ivanka indictment…
hitchhiker
literally just read the huffpo story, cringed, and opened bj. someone should ask karen macdougal for confirmation.
i wonder how long he’ll be able to resist tweeting … no comment on manafort, prof. ford, or stormy. must be killing him.
??? Goku (aka Amerikan Baka) ??
@TenguPhule:
Ah yes, holy tort reform. It’s better to be sued in court and lose some money than lose some teeth or worse when angry people seek extralegal revenge on you
Brachiator
Elsewhere, the new Captain Marvel trailer looks like fun. And two-eyed Nick Fury.
TaMara (HFG)
I kinda sorta hate all of you right now. Because of course, now I need to know. If you don’t hear from me again, it probably means my brain burst into flames.
Frankensteinbeck
@Timurid:
Yes. This is it. For an insecure narcissist extreme misogynist, he can literally imagine nothing worse. His suffering will be epic when he hears about this.
p.a.
What, you didn’t realize his obsession with towers was overcompensation?
ETA: edit is back!
TenguPhule
@??? Goku (aka Amerikan Baka) ??: The sound you hear is a million insurance adjusters whooping in victory for limiting claims for payouts. Because I guarantee they are going to use the legislation’s limitations to squeeze themselves into it.
Nicole
Oh, how I wish this post had been up before I went to jezebel’s site. I KNOW. I KNOW.
And we have promised the kid a Nintendo Switch and I know he’s going to want a Mario Kart game and I don’t know how to explain why I won’t be able to look at the screen or play it with him.
Here I thought “distinguishing mark” was as bad as it was going to get regarding this sort of thing.
delk
Here comes the fake pic proving his ‘real’ size over that new FEMA alert.
zhena gogolia
@TaMara (HFG):
I guess I would have known earlier, but I cancelled my Guardian subscription a while ago.
TenguPhule
@Martin:
Green, lumpy and obsessed with blondes?
zhena gogolia
Testing — I have no edit function.
??? Goku (aka Amerikan Baka) ??
So Stormy Daniels compared Trump’s dick to Toad from Mario?
I guess you could say…
*put’s on sunglasses*
Trump’s dick is a real choad
Yeahhhhhhhhhhh!
Miss Bianca
@TaMara (HFG): Feeling the same way. Like, “what”? How can these things possibly relate…or are they all separate horrors?
Leto
@Jack the Second: Agreed; picked up on the topic just from the comments here and I guess I picked the wrong day to stop drinking Draino.
donnah
I got about a half million more important things to worry about than Trump’s dick. And honestly, in the scheme of things in ongoing terrible news, that story is even smaller than his dick.
I’m pretty worried about how the Republicans are doubling down on confirming Kavanaugh and how Trump is releasing sensitive information that threatens national security and safety.
I get that it’s a funny story, weird and wacky, but I guess I’m too worried to laugh. I might end up cackling all the way to the nuthouse.
ruemara
It was too late for me before 7 am. You’re late, Betty. And now my mind is ruined.
TenguPhule
A man threatened to shoot Trump. Three months and six states later, feds can’t find him.
Survivalist nut wandering around the north-east US. Heads up Juicers.
Frankensteinbeck
A personality of Trump’s type usually responds to this kind of humiliation by performing physical violence on a woman. Given Trump’s mythic levels of chickenshit, I’m not sure he’s capable. I don’t know how that will play out, and I hope no one except Trump gets hurt.
eemom
I saw it on memeorandum, but I don’t know what a Mario Kart or a yeti is, so I’m able to mitigate the damage.
Mike in DC
D***-shaming is the last acceptable form of social oppression!
Giggle.
JPL
The best Stormy could say is that it’s not freakishly small so there’s that.
TenguPhule
Haha!
Immanentize
@delk: It will be a Boogie Nights reveal.
Dirk Diggler in White Hose, White House, White Wash.
oatler.
I thought survivalist nuts were the Northwest’s bit. North-east needs to stay away from that bit!
Frankensteinbeck
@Mike in DC:
Normally I think judging men on their sexual prowess is terrible, and is the biggest source of toxic masculinity. Trump has made it an issue himself with his treatment of women, so I’m willing to relax the point and mock him.
different-church-lady
This must be that “reverse psychology” thing I’ve heard so much about.
JPL
@delk: On an earlier thread someone mentioned he could just use weiner’s picture.
different-church-lady
OK, I’m trying to reverse-engineer this: the yeti bit might be back hair, and the mushroom part is obvious, but Mario Kart is stumping me…
TenguPhule
Job ads for construction workers and truck drivers on Facebook discriminated on gender, ACLU alleges
I think Facebook is in trouble.
burnspbesq
Gawd. The ultimate Rick-roll.
TenguPhule
@different-church-lady:
Speed boosts through large hoops.
Immanentize
@oatler.: Oh, upstae NY, Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine? Prepper heaven.
different-church-lady
@TenguPhule:
Nice to see all the tags still work by hand…
Martin
@TenguPhule:
I don’t know of any homeowner or renter insurers that will pay out a penny for flood damage. Homeowner insurance will cover flooding from a broken pipe, but if it’s a flood, as this is, you’re either in the national flood insurance program, or you get nothing. Uninsured homeowners can try suing, but my guess is that the court rules ‘act of god’ and directs you to FEMA.
Bostondreams
@different-church-lady:
Something was compared to Toad, a mushroom headed character in the Mario games, and most known for Mario Kart.
TenguPhule
@Martin: Not for the flood, for all the nasty shit later when the hog shit lagoon spillover and the coal ash spillover begin to have consequences.
tobie
@eemom: I know how you feel. I don’t get the original cultural reference, so it’s not like toads, yetis or Mario Kart can ever be ruined for me.
@TenguPhule: I learned about these hog waste cesspools and waste spraying practices just before the storm from this video. This is yet another reason to think twice about eating meat.
Gin & Tonic
@Martin: Natural water coming into your house from the surface requires Federal flood insurance. Groundwater coming up into the basement is not a claim under either standard homeowners nor the fed flood insurance.
I have cause to know this.
Ahasuerus
For those of you who have read thus far while heeding Betty’s warning, but who are nonetheless curious about the topic, I can offer this: Marco Rubio was (probably) right. Stopped clocks and blind squirrels everywhere rejoice.
MattF
In fact, Trump and his pals have been rather quiet lately. Maybe they’ve been warned. Or maybe Putin et al decided to stay outside of the blast radius.
Martin
@TenguPhule: Pro Publica has been investigating this for a while now. There’s much worse than just what the ACLU is suing over.
laura
@burnspbesq: say what?
https://youtu.be/dQw4w9WgXcQ
ruemara
@different-church-lady: Yeti pubes and a consider a mushroom with an elongated shaft
different-church-lady
@ruemara: Must I?
lollipopguild
Do not say “Beetlejuice” three times in a row. If you do the Stay-Puff Marshmallow man will pay a visit to you.
Villago Delenda Est
Wonkette is hopping! Dick joke emporium/mommyblog in its element!
JPL
Ronny Jackson is probably happy that he is no longer the White House Physician. At least he won’t humiliate himself again.
TenguPhule
@Villago Delenda Est:
Koopa Troopas?
Ken B
@TenguPhule:
Do you remember the Chinese giving all of those licenses, patents, trademarks and the like to Trump businesses during the first year of Trump’s occupation? You remember, the laughably transparent bribes?
I always figured that when Xi really gets pissed off and decides to go nuclear, that those all go away. So far, they’e trying to hurt mostly red states, I think the idea is to kill support for Trump’s tariff wars without making it personal. Because they are probably thinking there’s more to be extracted from Trump.
But if they decide that they really want to hurt Trump, they’re likely to go for his pride or his wallet. And shuttering all of those deals is likely to do both. Most likely, though, it would be one as a a rolling series of revocations.
But sometimes I wonder if they’re holding off because they’re afraid of what he might do.
Am I overthinking this?
Haydnseek
Hope Hicks…..Ms Hope Hicks…….please pick up the white courtesy phone…..
Yutsano
@Frankensteinbeck: Oh I think he’s more than capable of beating Melania. In fact I bet her going into hiding after her surgery was giving her time for her face to heal. It would be irresponsible not to speculate after all.
@eemom: What? You’ve never heard of the Abominable Snowman of Tibet? :P
MattF
Rick Wilson’s comment is ‘Achievement Unlocked!’
Miss Bianca
@Villago Delenda Est: Yep, and now thanks to Wonkette *and* you, I am now sadly educated in the way that BETTY CRACKER DID NOT WANT for me, y’all!
Brain bleach, what did I do with the brain bleach…
Martin
@Gin & Tonic: Important distinction, thank you.
Not relevant in the case of the hog farmers because you’re describing a rising water table, where the hog farmer situation would only arise from floodwaters. But groundwater pollution from fracking or similar would apply to that case.
I don’t have a basement now, but when I lived in NY our basement flooded from one of the hurricanes that blew through. None of it was surface water, it was just rising water table, so no coverage.
different-church-lady
@Ken B:
You’d be irresponsible not to.
burnspbesq
@different-church-lady:
Mushroom-shaped bad guys are a recurring thing in the Super Mario series of games.
different-church-lady
I’m kinda thinking in the future, kids will be like, “Mommy, why do all the stamp series skip from 44 to 46?”
Spanky
@different-church-lady:
sixthdoctor
@Jack the Second: Love the Roko’s basilisk ref….
And as a nation, we’re all on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride now…
TenguPhule
@Ken B:
Yep. And he gave them a telecomm deal in return which is amazingly enough *not* one of the things being rolled back.
TenguPhule
@Ken B:
The man with the nuclear Toad.
Jeffro
@Brachiator: Psyched here! Love how she falls into a Blockbuster store – “what’s that, grandpa? well, grandson, once upon a time, people used to have to drive. to. a store. to get a copy of a movie…”
Gravenstone
@Martin: There’s a reason these are being referred to as “Trump’s tax increase”. The populace will get soaked while his cronies make bank in one fashion or another.
Haydnseek
@Frankensteinbeck: As I recall, he reportedly ripped a chunk out of Ivana’s scalp when he pulled her hair while he was raping her. At least, that what her friends said.
Haydnseek
@JPL: Talk about damning with faint praise…….
Nicole
Comment from someone on Jezebel that has me simultaneously laughing and terrified:
NotMax
Not to get all technical, the site is FUBAR.
JPL
@Yutsano: Yup. It wouldn’t be unlike him.
Mandalay
@Martin:
I don’t believe that for a moment. He probably doesn’t care, but Trump knows that. The problem is that the media have done a rotten job of explaining what’s going on to Joe Sixpack.
They have also done a rotten job in framing the scope of the dispute to tit for tat on tariffs. From a reader comment in the NYT:
Option b is a doozy.
The Moar You Know
@Nicole: You know it’s true. We are all going to get a Trump dick pic (it will not be a pic of his flabby gut and disgusting junk for certain) whether we want one of not.
I’d like to go on record as definitely being one who “does not want”.
sukabi
@Martin: lol…oh the questions that would follow….???
eclare
@Nicole: Yep, and there is pretty much no way to block his messages.
TenguPhule
@eclare: Don’t turn the phone on?
JPL
@eclare:The test was canceled and hasn’t been rescheduled yet. They are searching for the appropriate pic I presume.
sukabi
@delk: that might be precisely why that’s been “postponed”.
debit
@JPL: And for someone to photoshop it orange.
JPL
@debit: Ick!
I guess the test was rescheduled to Oct. 3, so there is time.
AM in NC
@TenguPhule: No Way. We are working to get the GOP outta here. Don’t you be sending any more our way.
sukabi
@The Moar You Know: and the telecom industry goes into a tailspin as millions of people burn their phones and refuse to get another until the dickpix stop.
TenguPhule
@JPL: Rescheduled for October 3rd. Which might be a good day to turn the phone off.
The Midnight Lurker
I’m not clickin’, but is this in any way related to the RWNJ obsession with Big Foot porn? And please, no links.
TenguPhule
@AM in NC: But you’ll need a new source of protein to replace all those drowned hogs.
Schlemazel
@Yutsano:
I am pretty sure the swelling in her breasts still has not gone down after that ‘kidney surgery’. Look at before & after pictures
Alain the site fixer
@NotMax: and yet I haven’t done anything since I enabled the edit comment. I have not changed the CDN settigns yet. I will turn it off so I can see things settle before I enable the CDN.
TenguPhule
I think Cornyn’s head would look quite nice on a spike
West of the Rockies
Okay, I’m not entirely getting it… Stormy is saying the Trumpian member is short with an odd, over-sized head?
That was not a question I saw myself asking 24 hours ago.
TenguPhule
@Alain the site fixer:
Still no lightspeed. And no edit comment.
Comrade Mary
Somebody just used a Toad reaction GIF (probably totally innocently) on a totally unrelated Twitter thread today and it was all I could do not to ask them if maybe it was a BAD day to choose that one.
(Well, having a Twitter account under my real name and only following professionally related people helped my willpower. A lot. But it was close.)
jacy
Since we’re speaking of disgusting things, breakdowns of the fratboy speak on Judge’s and Kavanaugh’s yearbook pages are all over the interwebs, and it’s not pretty. It screams “DRUNKEN MOLESTER” in big neon letters. I hope somebody brings big posters of the pages with charts to the hearing……..
sukabi
@The Midnight Lurker: drumpf’s mushroom pud..
Bobby Thomson
Why did she have to libel Toad like that?
Comrade Mary
(Oh, yeah. Just refreshed the page using Firefox/Win8 and it went all 1993 on me. Courier, too!)
debit
@Comrade Mary: Balloon-Juice hosted by Geocities!
AM in NC
@TenguPhule: I like the cut of your jib. Still, don’t even think of sending any our way.
(((CassandraLeo)))
@TenguPhule: …that happened here in Sarasota County? In Venice? The times they are a-changin’, indeed. I mean, Margaret Good was already a sign that was the case, but still, the median age in Venice is pretty much dead. It’s referred to as “God’s waiting room” for a reason.
(Mojos is a great restaurant, BTW.)
Chyron HR
@TenguPhule:
Aww, nobody told the poor stupid evil asshole that the GOP party line has already changed to, “Everything she said is true, but it was just youthful hijinks.”
Comrade Mary
@debit: And now it’s 2018 again. I’d really like great chunks of 1993 back, though. Maybe not Geocities.
@Alain the site fixer: Whatever you just did or didn’t do worked great — thanks!
(((CassandraLeo)))
@burnspbesq: To be clear, Toad isn’t a bad guy. The first enemy you encounter in the first Super Mario Bros. game is an enemy called a Goomba that does fit the description of “mushroom-headed bad guy”, though.
sukabi
@TenguPhule: at this point you have to wonder if they’re really looking that hard…or it might be that the competent agents have all said fuckit and left the agency leaving the rest to muddle along.
TenguPhule
@(((CassandraLeo))):
Really?
(((CassandraLeo)))
@TenguPhule: If you like Cuban food, anyway. It’s not as good as what you can get in Miami-Dade, Broward, or Palm Beach Counties, but it’s probably about as good as anyone could hope to find north of there.
StringOnAStick
@jacy: Plus some of the pages from co-creep Judge, the ones where he says he was a blackout drunk in high school since that seems important to note in the face of Judge’s claiming he didn’t remember this happening.
I listened to Kavanaugh’s introductory statement in front of the committee and while I will admit that I am extra cynical about anyone claiming to be SuperDad, at the time my thought was “he uses his family like they’re toilet paper”. I didn’t post that because I figured someone would object, but now that we know it was all a show to cover for his deeper, quite skeevy character. I have no doubt there are other women out there that he’s assaulted, and I hope they come forward before Monday. Though I sure wouldn’t want anyone to do that who doesn’t have the personal, financial, and emotional resources to survive the utter hell that her life will become because of coming forward.
Betty Cracker
@(((CassandraLeo))): Everyone knows Tampa has the best Cuban food. :)
Tom Levenson
Very late to this thread, and I haven’t read it all, but just in case this hasn’t been mentioned, here goes:
The moral of this story: whatever else you may consensually do in her company, do not ever f**k with Stormy Daniels.
chopper
so today i found out that the president of the united states sports an ugly, mushroom-shaped choad.
i need a drink.
Mnemosyne
@West of the Rockies:
I feel that the details of Trump’s genitals are not something I need to worry my beautiful mind about. Though I do feel like this is payback for assholes like Kavanaugh asking for details about Bill Clinton’s clenis.
Suzanne
This is so unbelievably fucken gross.
Copy/paste that statement for every day of this government and this culture.
Omnes Omnibus
@Mnemosyne: I don’t need to know about other people’s junk. I specifically do not want to know about Trump’s junk.
That ship has sailed. Fuck.
J R in WV
May be a fluke, but the site appears to be normal on an update just now!
Hurray!! Three cheers for Alain!!! HipHip Hurray!!! Three cheers for MajorMajorMajorMajor!! Hurray!!
And there are my nym data too….!!
Darrin E Ziliak
You are aware that warnings like that serve as an enticement, right?
It makes me recall how Dumbledore’s warning about avoiding the 3rd floor in Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone was so effective.
sukabi
@Mnemosyne: the “best” ugh, part of it is if Drumpf were to sue her for libeling his junk the repubs would FINALLY get their peni!s line up they wanted…30 years late, and their party president…but there it is.
sukabi
@chopper: funny, I wake up EVERY. FUCKIN. DAY. knowing that the president of the united states is an ugly, mushroom-shaped choad.
TenguPhule
@Darrin E Ziliak:
Only two assholes were stupid enough to go up there. The hero and his sidekick.
FlyingToaster
This is possibly the smallest non-story ever.
And I’m sure that if FoxNoise bothers to mention it (and they may not), our president* will go ballistic on Twitter. Like every other day ending in a “y”.
Darrin E Ziliak
@TenguPhule:
Sidekicks.
IIRC, Hermoine went with Harry and Ron.
That said, you really have to wonder how many others went there and ran off after seeing the Cerberus?
TenguPhule
@Darrin E Ziliak: IIRC she wasn’t part of the gang until after the troll and the mirror’s first appearance pre-dated that.
Ruckus
@different-church-lady:
Nah. It’s just that the picture will have vertical gray bars in front of his face. Unfortunately the orange coveralls will blend in with his skin.
TriassicSands
@Gelfling 545:
I haven’t clicked on anything and I don’t generally frequent sites that might feature what this all appears to be about. But assuming what I’ve read so far in the comments means what I think it means, it might be great if a certain individual tried to provide photographic evidence of a certain anatomic feature. Trump is so inept that his efforts to use Photoshop to quadruple (or maybe sextuple would be a better target) would undoubtedly result in disaster — for Trump. It would either be so small as to be indistinguishable from a single pixel or so large that it wouldn’t fit on an elephant and thus, would obviously be fake. I would welcome the opportunity to see Trump’s Photoshop skills — though on some other topic. On the other hand, unassisted, it would probably take Trump forever to even figure out how to use Photoshop (assuming it was already installed on a computer). Actually manipulating an image would be beyond the abilities of the person who is self-described as the best _______ (fill in the blank) in the _________ (world, universe, you-name-it).
Ruckus
@West of the Rockies:
That’s not a question I will ever ask.
Origuy
Colbert is going to have fun with this tonight. Stormy Watch!
Darrin E Ziliak
@TenguPhule:
Could be, but she still went with them after the troll.
Logic isn’t something HP wizards were very good at.
TenguPhule
@Darrin E Ziliak:
No common sense either. Frankly, I was amazed their society didn’t manage to actually wipe themselves out by accident given the sheer number of things that could go wrong just in the ministery of magic’s vaults, let alone Diagon alley.
MomSense
Too late. I saw it this morning before I had enough coffee to be able to evade this nightmare.
By the time this mess is resolved we are all going to see the damned Trump weenie. I don’t I’ll never forgive the people who voted for him.
Denali
Why oh why did I ever open a Twitter account?
TerryC
How surprised was Ivanka when she first saw Jared’s?
Ruckus
@FlyingToaster:
Perfect!
Smallest non-news story ever….
LOL
Haroldo
@cope: I can’t go to the Raw Story site without either 1) a nasty-ish note demanding that I turn off my ad blocker OR 2) if the ad blocker is off, the site takes forever and a day and then some to load, if at all. For better or worse, I’ve placed Raw Story off limits. I think I’m fortunate.
Amber Forestier
@TenguPhule: All that already happened before in Hurricane Floyd back in the late ’90s. The whole setup for Florence had me sure it would happen again….even the flooding in New Bern :(
Sasha
This is America being punished for slavery.