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NY Times Publisher Buys NFL Jets, Changes Strategy
(2002-09-22) — New York Times publisher Arthur Ochs Sulzberger, Jr., today announced he has purchased the New York Jets NFL franchise, and will immediately make strategic changes consistent with the Times editorial board’s beliefs.
“Many NFL teams act as if they’re better than others and they must always win,” Mr. Sulzberger said. “But we realize that we’re just like everyone else. We want to have peace. We have no right to impose our will upon the competition. If you do that, someone is always the loser.”
Consequently, he said, the Jet’s offensive strategy will be to negotiate a reduction in touchdown attempts by both teams. In addition, strength-training coaches have been fired, and the weight room locked because “big, muscular fellows are intimidating to other players.”
Sulzberger said he will hire a coach who realizes there’s no need to take the ball away from the other team until the moment they actually try to put it in your end zone.
“Just because they’re driving down the field, doesn’t mean they have the desire or capability to score against you,” the new Jets owner said. “Why act as if every little offensive play is such a big threat?”
Har.