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You are here: Home / Foreign Affairs / The Fearsome French

The Fearsome French

by John Cole|  January 25, 200311:47 pm| Leave a Comment

This post is in: Foreign Affairs

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Bigwig has an amusing post on French military history (and yes, pedants, I am sure he is exxagerating some things, simplifying others, and forgetting some things). It is still damn amusing:

You can hardly blame the French. France is example number one when comes to natural selection of a nation’s character.

Gallic Wars – Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War – Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; “France’s armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.”
Italian Wars – Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion – France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
Thirty Years War – France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution – Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War – Tied
War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French and Indian War – Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

Go read the whole thing.

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