• Menu
  • Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar

Before Header

  • About Us
  • Lexicon
  • Contact Us
  • Our Store
  • ↑
  • ↓
  • ←
  • →

Balloon Juice

Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

“The defense has a certain level of trust in defendant that the government does not.”

I really should read my own blog.

A democracy can’t function when people can’t distinguish facts from lies.

Speaking of republicans, is there a way for a political party to declare intellectual bankruptcy?

Tick tock motherfuckers!

Hot air and ill-informed banter

You cannot love your country only when you win.

Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Thanks to your bullshit, we are now under siege.

Everybody saw this coming.

Let me file that under fuck it.

Trump should be leading, not lying.

Republicans got rid of McCarthy. Democrats chose not to save him.

If ‘weird’ was the finish line, they ran through the tape and kept running.

Celebrate the fucking wins.

If you’re gonna whine, it’s time to resign!

Republicans don’t lie to be believed, they lie to be repeated.

Something needs to be done about our bogus SCOTUS.

This has so much WTF written all over it that it is hard to comprehend.

Let’s delete this post and never speak of this again.

Let the trolls come, and then ignore them. that’s the worst thing you can do to a troll.

rich, arrogant assholes who equate luck with genius

Come on, man.

I swear, each month of 2025 will have its own history degree.

Mobile Menu

  • Seattle Meet-up Post
  • 2025 Activism
  • Targeted Political Fundraising
  • Donate with Venmo, Zelle & PayPal
  • Site Feedback
  • War in Ukraine
  • Submit Photos to On the Road
  • Politics
  • On The Road
  • Open Threads
  • Topics
  • COVID-19
  • Authors
  • About Us
  • Contact Us
  • Lexicon
  • Our Store
  • Politics
  • Open Threads
  • 2025 Activism
  • Garden Chats
  • On The Road
  • Targeted Fundraising!
You are here: Home / Sports / Dumbest Sports Moment Ever

Dumbest Sports Moment Ever

by John Cole|  July 10, 20031:57 am| 5 Comments

This post is in: Sports

FacebookTweetEmail

Unfortunately I am a die-hard Pirates fan. I don’t know what to say about this:

During the famed “Sausage Race” after the sixth inning, Simon swung a bat at one of the costumed participants, hitting a 19-year-old girl. She fell near the Pirates’ dugout and another participant, a 21-year-old girl, tripped over her. Both girls were sent to the stadium First Aid station and treated for scrapped knees.

Milwaukee County sheriff’s deputies reviewed tape of the incident and interrogated Simon at the stadium before transporting him in handcuffs to the Milwaukee County Jail, where he was expected to be booked and released early this morning. Simon is to appear before a district attorney this morning.

I guess having a losing record for ten years is not enough to humiliate my Buccos. Streaming Video can be found here. I really don’t know what to say, except that with the Pirates team batting average, I am surprised he hit them.

*** Update ***

I just took a trip down memory lane and looked up a bunch of quotes from probably my favorite Pirates player ever, Andy Van Slyke. He was an unbelievable defensive outfielder, funny as hell, and an all around great guy. Here are some of his best quotes:

“Every season has its peaks and valleys. What you have to try to do is eliminate the Grand Canyon.”

“I have an Alka Seltzer bat. You know, plop plop fizz fizz. When the pitcher sees me walking up there they say, ‘Oh what a relief it is.'”

“If everyone were like him (Mitch Williams) I wouldn’t play. I’d find a safer way to make a living.”

“It seems like Satan has thrown the DH into our game.”

“I’ve never even hit batting practice before a crowd (1,519 on 4-18-88) that small at Busch.”

“Last year we had so many people coming in and out they didn’t bother to sew their names on the backs of the uniforms. They just put them there with Velcro.”

“My biggest problem in the big leagues is that I can’t figure out how to spend forty-three dollars in meal money.”

“They wanted me to play third like Brooks (Robinson) so I did play like Brooks – Mel Brooks.”

“With the Cardinals everybody would be reading the business section to see what their stocks were doing. You get to this locker room (Pirates) in the morning and everybody is looking at the sports page to see if Hulk Hogan won.”

Andy Van Slyke, on why the Pirates didn’t catch the Mets: “You can’t expect Mr. Ed to keep up with Secretariat.”

And my favorite of all time, when he was asked “If you could be anyone else for one day, who would it be?”

His response: “My wife, just to see how wonderful it is to spend the day with me.”

Goodness, I miss him.

FacebookTweetEmail
Previous Post: « This is a Load
Next Post: If the Shoe Fits »

Reader Interactions

5Comments

  1. 1.

    Ricky

    July 10, 2003 at 7:35 am

    He’s still sitting in centerfield with mouth agape, wondering how Sid Bream outran Barry Bonds’ throw.

    Yes, I’m a diehard Braves fan (but also a big Van Slyke fan…..he hit the ball in which Otis Nixon made the most unbelievable catch I’ve ever seen).

  2. 2.

    hln

    July 10, 2003 at 8:14 am

    I, too, was a big Andy Van Slyke fan – growing up mostly (when he played for the Cardinals).

    You see, Andy did something for me. It seems as though every time I committed an afternoon or an evening to watching a baseball game, Andy would hit at least one home run for me. And it didn’t matter if he was batting right or left-handed.

    Thanks for the memory.

    hln

  3. 3.

    Ricky

    July 10, 2003 at 8:25 am

    hin,
    I wasn’t aware that any of the 41 homers he swatted as a Cardinal were right-handed. When was Van Slyke a switch-hitter?

Comments are closed.

Trackbacks

  1. The American Mind says:
    July 10, 2003 at 3:42 am

    Pirate Pillages Sausage

    Going to baseball game you’d expect to see some good pitching, some good fielding, even a home run or two.

  2. ScrappleFace says:
    July 10, 2003 at 1:40 pm

    PETA Defends Ball Player Who Hit Sausage

    (2003-07-10) — People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has come to the defense of Pittsburgh Pirates player Randall Simon, who faces a misdemeanor charge for using a bat to hit a woman dressed as a giant Italian sausage….

Primary Sidebar

On The Road - Winter Wren - Point Lobos State Natural Reserve 3
Image by Winter Wren (7/31/25)

World Central Kitchen

Donate

Recent Comments

  • randy khan on On The Road – dmkingto – Papua New Guinea Sculpture Garden (possibly NSFW) (Jul 11, 2025 @ 8:08am)
  • prostratedragon on Thursday Night Open Thread (Jul 11, 2025 @ 8:04am)
  • JeanneT on On The Road – dmkingto – Papua New Guinea Sculpture Garden (possibly NSFW) (Jul 11, 2025 @ 8:01am)
  • Gloria DryGarden on On The Road – dmkingto – Papua New Guinea Sculpture Garden (possibly NSFW) (Jul 11, 2025 @ 8:01am)
  • Bulgakov on On The Road – dmkingto – Papua New Guinea Sculpture Garden (possibly NSFW) (Jul 11, 2025 @ 7:58am)

Balloon Juice Posts

View by Topic
View by Author
View by Month & Year
View by Past Author

Featuring

Medium Cool
Artists in Our Midst
Authors in Our Midst
No Kings Protests June 14 2025

🎈Keep Balloon Juice Ad Free

Become a Balloon Juice Patreon
Donate with Venmo, Zelle or PayPal

Calling All Jackals

Site Feedback
Nominate a Rotating Tag
Submit Photos to On the Road
Balloon Juice Anniversary (All Links)
Balloon Juice Anniversary (All Posts)
Fix Nyms with Apostrophes

Social Media

Balloon Juice
WaterGirl
TaMara
John Cole
DougJ (aka NYT Pitchbot)
Betty Cracker
Tom Levenson
David Anderson
Major Major Major Major
DougJ NYT Pitchbot
mistermix

Keeping Track

Legal Challenges (Lawfare)
Republicans Fleeing Town Halls (TPM)
21 Letters (to Borrow or Steal)
Search Donations from a Brand

Feeling Defeated?  If We Give Up, It's Game Over

Site Footer

Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

  • Facebook
  • RSS
  • Twitter
  • YouTube
  • Comment Policy
  • Our Authors
  • Blogroll
  • Our Artists
  • Privacy Policy

Copyright © 2025 Dev Balloon Juice · All Rights Reserved · Powered by BizBudding Inc

Share this ArticleLike this article? Email it to a friend!

Email sent!