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You are here: Home / TV & Movies / Movies / A Real Clunker

A Real Clunker

by John Cole|  May 8, 200511:11 am| 14 Comments

This post is in: Movies

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Sounds ot me like Kingdom of Heaven is a real clunker.

*** Update ***

Ebert seems to like it.

On a related note, has Orlando Bloom ever been in a movie where he is not wielding a sword?

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14Comments

  1. 1.

    Brian J.

    May 8, 2005 at 2:36 pm

    Perhaps it needed a bisexual male subjtext running throughout it.

    It worked for Alexander.

  2. 2.

    ThomasJackson

    May 8, 2005 at 8:22 pm

    Its a movie for people who love trolls.

  3. 3.

    Dave Munger

    May 8, 2005 at 8:48 pm

    I don’t think I can watch anything set in Medieval times anymore, they go so far out of their way to be so aggressively non-Medieval in every way. It’s like the end of one of Steve Martin’s Theodoric of York sketches. “Perhaps one day women will be treated as equals, and there will be a… a… SEPERATION of Church and State…”. Heard a speech from the movie on E! or something last night, the hero’s a PoMo Agnostic Relativist or something. He’s basically exhorting all his troops about how the teritory they’re fighting for isn’t really holy. I have yet to fully absorb how much it would suck for a guy in that position to actually do that, and is it too much to ask the filmakers to remember that this guy is supposed to be a Medieval European? I’m starting to think that LA people genuinely believe that all people, at all times, were exactly like them.

  4. 4.

    The Disenfrachised Voter

    May 8, 2005 at 11:04 pm

    The “hero” in the movie isn’t an agnostic, he is definitely christian. They were talking about Orlando Bloom himself being an agnostic.

  5. 5.

    The Disembodied Voice

    May 9, 2005 at 7:37 am

    The real problem is there’s simply too many of these sorts of movies. Big huge hundred-thousand man armies were cool at first but they’re no substitute for a decent plot and characters.

    That said, I heard it was good. These new historical epics tend to be hit-and-miss. Gladiator was excellent, Troy was decent, The Last Samurai was good in some places, poor in others, Alexander was bad, and King Arthur ought to have earned Fuqua the death penalty for crimes against humanity.

  6. 6.

    Fargus

    May 9, 2005 at 8:07 am

    Nah, Orlando Bloom is definitely an agnostic in the movie. He claims to have been abandoned by God, and he leads not for the cross, but for the people living in Jerusalem.

    I like this movie more and more the more articles I read by the religious right about it. They’re fuming.

  7. 7.

    Mason

    May 9, 2005 at 8:59 am

    I’ve heard a lot of bad things about this movie, but I can’t believe that one of my favorite directors would have botched it that badly…

  8. 8.

    FredW

    May 9, 2005 at 9:24 am

    I believe Orlando Bloom was swordless in Blackhawk Down…

  9. 9.

    Dodd

    May 9, 2005 at 10:14 am

    Bloom only weilded a bow and long knives in the LOTR trilogy.

  10. 10.

    John Cole

    May 9, 2005 at 10:16 am

    Pirates of the Carribean, LOTR trilogy, and this are the only movies I have ever seen him in…

  11. 11.

    mat

    May 9, 2005 at 12:06 pm

    Bloom played PFC Todd Blackburn in Ridley Scott’s Blackhawk Down.

  12. 12.

    The Disenfrachised Voter

    May 9, 2005 at 6:55 pm

    “Nah, Orlando Bloom is definitely an agnostic in the movie. He claims to have been abandoned by God, and he leads not for the cross, but for the people living in Jerusalem.”

    How can he be an agnostic if he believes God has abandoned him. Agnostics suspend judgement on whether there is a God or not. If Bloom believes God has abandoned him then he isn’t an agnostic.

  13. 13.

    profbacon

    May 10, 2005 at 12:06 am

    He wasn’t in Blackhawk Down very long due to his character getting a Neck injury. If you wanna watch somehing really moving, I would recommend “Going Upriver: The Long War of John F. Kerry”. Just check it out

  14. 14.

    Caley

    May 18, 2005 at 4:55 pm

    I loved Kingdom of Heaven! He didn’t have a sword in Black Hawk Down, Wilde, or his movie “HAVEN” (isn’t out yet) or elizabeth town (in about 1/3 of a year)

    KoH was definately his best movie so far (acting wise)

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