Greates Obit Ever

Via the Ministry of Minor Perfidy, the greatest obituary notice ever:

William Donaldson, who died on June 22 aged 70, was described by Kenneth Tynan as “an old Wykehamist who ended up as a moderately successful Chelsea pimp”, which was true, though he was also a failed theatrical impresario, a crack-smoking serial adulterer and a writer of autobiographical novels; but it was under the nom de plume Henry Root that he became best known.

Willie Donaldson’s alter ego was a Right-wing nutcase and wet fish merchant from Elm Park Mansions, SW10, who specialised in writing brash, outrageous and frequently abusive letters to eminent public figures, enclosing a one pound note. Donaldson’s genius was to write letters that appeared absurd to the public but not to those to whom they were addressed. The recipients duly replied, often unaware that the joke was on them.

Root chastised the Archbishop of Canterbury for failing to thank him for the five pounds he had donated towards roof repairs; suggested to Margaret Thatcher (who kept the enclosed one pound) that Mary Whitehouse should be made Home Secretary; sympathised with the Queen about the “problems” she was having with Princess Anne (“My Doreen, 19, is completely off the rails too, so I know what it’s like”); and told the Thorpe trial judge, Sir Joseph Cantley: “You tipped the jury the right way and some of your jokes were first class! Well done! You never looked to me like the sort of man who’d send an old Etonian to the pokey”, a communication which brought a visit from the police, investigating allegations of attempted bribery.

There simply aren’t enough people like this in the world. Other exploits include:

Donaldson was educated at Winchester, where he discovered that he had lost the contest for the title of stupidest boy in the school when his competitor, an Earl, was advised to “try Eton” after just one term…

When he was called up for National Service in the Navy, Donaldson’s mother rang up the First Sea Lord and told him that her son was about to do the season – “affianced to Isabelle Giscard d’Estaing, the future President of France’s sister” – and was not ready…

After leaving advertising, he bought a theatrical company – “in order to audition actresses” – and became an impresario…

On honeymoon he read pornography wrapped in the cover of Kingsley Amis’s Lucky Jim…

By the time his only son was born in 1959, he had begun an affair with Jeffrey Bernard’s actress wife, Jackie. When, two years later, they agreed to elope, Donaldson hurried home to tell his wife and left with his pyjamas in a suitcase. Three days later Jackie rang to tell him that they were “ships that pass in the night” and that the deal was off…

Read the whole thing.