I was perusing the 40 most obnoxious quotes of 2005 (Right Wing Edition– someone send me the left-wing edition if someone has done one), and I saw this quote:
Absolutely (I had sex with animals). I was a fool. When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule.”
First off, BLECH!.
Second, that is batshit-insane anti-abortion advocate Neil Horsley on Hannity and Colmes:
Colmes: “You had sex with animals?”
Horsley: “Absolutely. I was a fool. When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule.”
Colmes: “I’m not so sure that is so.”
Horsley: “You didn’t grow up on a farm in Georgia, did you?”
Colmes: “Are you suggesting that everybody who grows up on a farm in Georgia has a mule as a girlfriend?”
Horsley: It has historically been the case. You people are so far removed from the reality…Welcome to domestic life on the farm…”
Horsley is the guy who looks like a mildly retarded Abe Lincoln in the HBO documentary Soldiers in the Army of God, which follows the lunatics around as they plot their anti-abortion schemes and debate the relative merits of Eric Rudolph and bombing abortion clinics. I didn’t think there was anything out there that could make these creeps any ickier, and I was wrong.
MI
Oh wow, I’ve seen Atrios and company reference this a million times, I figured it was out of context, a joke, something along those lines, I had no idea it was true! HAHAHA.
Mike S
I grew up at the beach. My first girlfriend was a dolphin, but not the one Nooner said saved Ellian.
aop
He’s right. You liberal elites in your non-mule-fucking ivory towers have lost touch with the concerns of the common mule-fucking man.
Otto Man
Priceless.
Actually, the other half of the exchange is just as funny. Alan Colmes really lives up to his reputation as the Washington Generals of TV punditry there. When you can barely muster a stammered “I’m not so sure that is so” to a man who claims all farm kids have sex with mules, you’ve set and met a low, low threshold.
Which is just how his dark master Hannity likes it, I suppose.
JWeidner
bizarre.
I particularly like how he tries to make Colmes feel like the moron, “You people are so far removed from the reality”.
Like we’re all dumbasses for not being in on this supposed common knowledge.
Well, at least he’s taking personal responsibility, like the dyed in the wool conservative he seems to be. Course, he didn’t mention anything about sheep, did he…
fwiffo
You forgot the bestest part:
“You experiment with anything that moves when you are growing up sexually. You’re naive. You know better than that… If it’s warm and it’s damp and it vibrates you might in fact have sex with it.”
Well, now that I know that mules vibrate, I’m gonna run off and try that right now!
Steve S
It’s going to be hard to top that one in a left wing edition.
neil
If memory serves, he is here making a religion-based argument against homosexuality. He explains that before he found Christ, he had sex with farm animals, because without Christ there is no earthly reason not to do something like that. Similarly, homosexuals have sex with men because they don’t have Christ either.
Therefore, gay sex is like bestiality, and anyone who doesn’t believe in God is just a gay mulefucker.
cd6
As soon as you make a point along the lines of “I have had sex with a mule” I think you should instantly lose whatever argument you’re engaged in.
Dave
A man name “Horsely” admits having sex with mule. Priceless.
The Onion couldn’t top this.
Zifnab
It all makes perfect sense now. That said, honestly, it does raise some serious questions about God Fearing Georgia and the effectiveness of abstense education. Clearly, young children in our public schools really have missed the message that making hot love to your pet goat is not, in fact, good healthy Christian behavior. Frankly, I blame Plan B.
Davebo
Wow. I grew up near a swamp, but I never got up the nerve to “touch up” the local gators.
But I’ve been told that if you roll them over and rub their bellies they go into some sort of trance and you can do anything you want.
SwMoLibertarian
“Are you my daa-aa-aaa-dy?” *snicker*
Steve S
Neil. You are correct. That is their very argument.
The problem is, they can’t quite seem to comprehend that there are people who aren’t rabid psuedo-christians who don’t have sex with goats. That maybe it’s just them that have a problem.
neil
The argument isn’t for the unwashed. It’s only for the saved, to reassure them that everyone who isn’t as enlightened as them has the moral standing of a pigfucker.
db
Whew!!… Thank goodness mules can’t reproduce.
guyermo
I didn’t know Jimmy Carter was a mule fucker
SeesThroughIt
My all-purpose comeback: “Oh, please. You’re so far gone from reality, you’ve probably never fucked any kind of farm animal. How am I supposed to take you seriously?”
Sine.Qua.Non
I am actual speechless….which, is a good thing right about now. Yikes.
Steve S
We’ve got another contender!
DougJ
How come we never hear the *good news* about sex with barnyard animals?
rachel
Oh!
@[email protected];
EEEEEEWWWWWWWW!!!!!
And think of that poor, traumatized mule! Yech.
KoC
John: the list isn’t conservatives-only.
Jim Allen
You people are the wind beneath my wings. Best comment section of the month, and a definite contender for Comments Section of the Year.
Krista
Tell me now…and I won’t ask again…
But mule you love me tomoooooorrrrrroowwwww?
Faux News
“As soon as you make a point along the lines of “I have had sex with a mule” I think you should instantly lose whatever argument you’re engaged in”.
True, but perhaps it was last call at the bar (2am) there was a lot of tequila involved, and the mule standing in the dark corner of the bar wearing a mexican blanket didn’t look half bad? Could be a college spring break story.
Jim
Wow I grew up in North Georgia in a suburb next to a farming community, and I never heard of anyone… oh, hell, why am I even addressing this? I hate these stereotypical assholes, I know they exist, but they’re a tiny minority… crap, don’t even TRY to defend the South. Nobody believes you anyway.
yet another jeff
Too bad the chiron graphics below his name didn’t change to “Anti-Abortion Activist and Mule F*cker”.
Man, what a great SNL skit that would be…
canuckistani
I have to ask.. do conservatives ever wake up in the middle of the night and say “Oh crap.. in order to defeat the liberals, we sold the Republican party to animal molesters”? With each passing day, the Religious Right seems to get further out there.
docG
I was born on a farm, with lots of musical instruments around, so here are some of my favorite oldies:
Who Let the Mules Out? – The EeeHa Men
Peggy Mule – Buddy Hauley
I Only Have Eyes For Mules – The Flamingwhoas
I’m So Lonesome I Could Bray – Hank and the Stumpbroke Foals
And especially for all you soldiers in the War on Christmas:
I’m Dreaming of A White Dewlap – Bing Crossbreed
Jay C
Ahh … you people are Evil; Eeeevil, I say!!!! – I couldn’t even COMMENT on this thread… ‘cuz I was seriously ROFLMAO –
But, having finally gotten ahold of myself (if not a mule): I can finally make my contribution to the discussion:
Doesn’t this add a new dimension to the definition of the age-old question: “when is an “outside” piece of ass accepatable”?
DougJ
At least he had a plan to get laid. Where’s the Democrats’ plan?
DougJ
Then how can the American people trust you to get up the nerve to stand up to terrorists?
Sikduck
docG, you’re such a genius!! I’m laughing so hard I’m crying.
Krista
You forgot the Christmas classic “A Bray in a Manger”
Mule-fucking AND Jesus — Horsley should love that one.
Vlad
I saw this quote at #8, and was encouraged: “On one occasion, the air conditioning had been turned down so far and the temperature was so cold in the room, that the barefooted detainee was shaking with cold. ….. On another occasion, the [air conditioner] had been turned off, making the temperature in the unventilated room well over 100 degrees. The detainee was almost unconscious on the floor, with a pile of hair next to him. He had apparently been literally pulling his hair out throughout the night. On another occasion, not only was the temperature unbearably hot, but extremely loud rap music was being played in the room, and had been since the day before, with the detainee chained hand and foot in the fetal position on the tile floor.”
Then I scrolled down, and saw that Mr. Hawkins was actually upset about Dick Durbin. A pity.
Forest
I just hope that they use that script on The Daily Show for the “Great Moments in Punditry as Read By Children” bit they do sometimes. That would be great.
And Jim, I’m grew up in the South too but now live in NYC. And I would like to give you the sha na na about how it’s fairly useless to defend it because even though you know in your heart it’s a good place to be from, no one believes you anyway.
Geezer1
Did he say whether the mule was stump broke or not? Was it seduction or mule rape?
Glen
John,
I sent the link to a co-worker (who’s having a bit of voter’s remorse). Between the original and the comments, there was desk-slapping, crying… I though she would fall off her chair.
Thanks for enlivening an otherwise deadly day.
bago
I really hope he doesn’t have children, because tehen we know he wouldn’t have stayed the course.
simon
Gotta say, as a Canadian dude who frequently thinks my politicos and activists have refried their noodles, by comparison, our people are stark raving blandly sane milquetoast straight arrow lights out at nine types. Wow. The land of the free sure do git icky at times. Peace and a happy x-mas(x being the unknown)my friends.
zakjak
Geeez guys, it shouldn’t be so hard to understand … If you believe in God – Darwin wrong, intelligent design right. If you believe in intelligent design – monkey (goat, alligator, etc. – you perverts!) wrong, mule right.