Partially inspired by this, and wholly inspired by Seinfeld, it is time for the First Annual Airing of Grievances at Balloon Juice:
(Thanks to whoever made this screen capture originally)
The Airing of Grievances is the traditional time of the year when families gather together and tell one another how they have disappointed them in the past year. Thus begins my disappointments:
1.) The Republican Party– I will never forgive the shameless display during the Schiavo affair, elevating a personal family tragedy into a cruel farce loosely reported to be concern for the ‘culture of life.’ Hands down the most disappointing thing that happened this year, and the event that finally made me see the current GOP for what they are- shrill opportunists who think divisiveness, intrusion into personal matters, and cheap demagoguery are core leadership principles. And I don’t want to get started on the spending.
2.) The Torture Advocates– For taking every opportunity to paint those opposed to state sanctioned torture as little more than terrorist coddlers or people whose position is not one of principle but one of moral preening. You know who you are. You can go to hell.
3.) The House Republican Leadership– The House GOP started the year in a blatant attempt to loosen ethics standards to save their embattled leader, and ended the year with the reputation of the GOP in tatters, as much of the leadership is embroiled in the Abramoff mess, DeLay is under indictment, and “Duke” Cunningham is a felon. Well done.
4.) The Bush Administration– For failing to articulate any coherent policy, and in the rare cases they do embrace a coherent policy, having it be the wrong one. Add to that the Libby/Rove/Plame mess, and the idea that governance comes on the cheap (just get people fighting enough and no one will know what we are really up to), and you can see why I am disappointed.
5.) The Democrats– A full accounting of the gross incompetence of this party would require more bandwidth than I am willing to purchase, but what can be said about a bunch of partisan nitwits so inept that the GOP self-destructs in front of them, and all they can do is triumph the loony views of Cindy Sheehan and advocate for immediate withdrawal from Iraq?
6.) The MSM– Utterly incapable of covering any story with any depth, meaning or insight, the MSM spent the entire year pumping stupid stories like Natalie Holloway and the run-away bride, and continued to portray all political stories in the framework of a horse race. A policy, in the eyes of the MSM, is not wrong because it is wrong or destructive or stupid, but wrong because of the polling data and the possible electoral impact. Add to it their willingness to treat every issue ‘fairly,’ providing both sides of the story as if they were both legitimate (think the ridiculous ID debate- there are not two legitimate sides), and their total inability to get basic facts right (think of the Katrina coverage, of which basically everything that was reported is now turning out to be wrong), and the MSM has once again been a major disappointment.
7.) The blogosphere– For, in many cases, turning out to be little more than the grassroots arm of the DNC and RNC spin machines, and in some cases turning out to be paid shills for the major parties.
8.) Hollywood– For another craptacular year, with Serenity and Cinderella Man as rare exceptions. And for failing to restart Firefly as a show. (*** Update *** I forgot Baman Begins, which was also excellent.)
9.) The Steelers– For failing to draft or sign a legitimate pass rusher, and for thinking we could replenish the deep threat of P. Burress witha couple of receivers under 6’0″ (Wilson and Moragn, who are good receivers, but not what we need).
10.) The Pirates– For not having the decency to just let Jack Wilson and Jason Bay go, so I can really get on with my life and stop watching them.
11.) My friends and family– For, despite all the evidence, continuing to be supportive and decent to me. Really, I am not worth it.
12.) My cat, Tunch– For waking me at all hours, shredding the couch, vomiting on papers I am trying to grade, and running from me every time I try to get a second of attention on my terms.
13.) Earth– Enough already with the tsunamis, the hurricanes, the earthquakes, and the disaster du jour.
14.) HBO– For making the best programming out there (The Wire, Entourage, Rome, The Sopranos, Curb Your Enthusiasm), and having the seasons run for only 12-14 episodes and taking two years in between seasons
I am sure I will have more as the day goes on, but this is a rough list. Add yours in the comments (to include a trackback so I can add yours, should you put it up).
Happy Festivus!
Others airing their grievances:
The Daily Oklahoman newspaper, for refusing to accept NO for an answer. I had a paperman show up on my porch on Halloween night trying to get money from me for a subscription I cancelled three months earlier. They call my home phone constantly, sometimes via telemarketers in New Jersey. Enough already.
The Democrats. Finding myself in opposition to the party in power, I was forced to root, in many cases, for the opposition party. What a disappointment you turned out to be. You constantly fracture into single issue, internecine warfare tribes, slitting your own throats when so many opportunities presented themselves. And by the way… while he had a lot of great, revolutionary ideas, Howard Dean is a loon and he’s only making you look bad. I can only imagine (and weep for) what the party might look like if you’d made John Edwards the head of your party.
In Search of Utopia calls out his wife and his co-bloggers (ed.- DELICIOUS!):
9. My wife, for abandoning me at Christmas time, to spend time with her mother on our farm, and for putting about as much effort into choosing my Christmas gift, as she does determining how much sugar to put in her coffee.
10. My guest bloggers, who all volunteered to guest blog, and when I needed them the most, went MIA.
Sony and the RIAA. Putting the (my) “comp”(uter) in your incompetence. Whatever happened to ‘you break it, you buy it?’ And the RIAA, thanks for running creativity in main-stream music into the ground. I might just start having to listen to techno, just to hear some variety. Thanks for Ashleeeeeeeeeigh Simpson too.
SineQuaNon’s list is too extensive to choose just one.
Our favorite libertarian, Radley Balko, joins in with three specific grievances.
Matt McInosh is mad at all of us. Really:
The public at large: I know you don’t want to hear this, but it’s for your own good: this is your fault. In any market, the preferences of the consumer are the primary driver of everything else. I believe this holds true in democratic politics as well — flaws in the system are a large part of it, but at the end of the day we have bad policy because voters don’t want good policy. Frankly most of you wouldn’t know good policy if it bit you in the ass, but then nobody should resonably expect you to.
I agree. We are a sorry lot of, this public of ours.
More as they become available.
J.E.
If you’re ripping on pro sports teams from Pittsburgh, don’t forget a little hostility towards the Penguins.
srv
I have no personal grievances this year.
However, if you’d told me five years ago that I’d be wondering if whether we had a president or king, I’d have thought you were crazier than Kosmo.
Ron Beasley
You know John you and I are pretty much at opposite ends of the political spectrum but I can’t really find anything in this post that I can’t agree with. Maybe Bush was right when he said he was a uniter not a divider after all.
jg
8) You forgot Batman Begins dammit!
Ozymandius
John Cole For being a corporate whore and bi-partisan sell-out.
Happy Holidays Everyone.
mike s not mike s
Well said, John.
Happy Festivus.
Perry Como
Apologies to Rogers and Hammerstein:
Democrat voters and Liberal traitors
Terrorist lovers and Christmas haters
ACLU meddling in everything
These are a few o’ my least favorite things
Anything Clinton; KnownFacts(TM) with a “Yeah, but!”
NSA leakers and Joe Wilson’s haircut
Illegal immigrants border hopping in Spring
These are a few o’ my least favorite things
Girls in blue dresses with white semen splashes
RINOs in DC and intraparty clashes
Bill Mahers’s “humor” and insults he flings
These are a few o’ my least favorite things
When Cheney talks
When Ashcroft sings
When I’m feeling glad
I simply remember my least favorite things
And then I can feel so mad
Gold Star for Robot Boy
Excellent list, but I reserve an extra endorsement for No. 7.
What a waste of potential. The Internet could’ve produced countless versions of Luther’s 96 Theses. But it’s gone in the direction of talk radio – whoever shouts the loudest, wins. Worst of all, it seems even the most levelheaded bloggers eventually succumb to their lesser angels.
norbizness
#8: Use Netflix and rent Criterion movies exclusively.
#12: That certainly doesn’t sound like any cat _I_ know of.
demimondian
My list of great disappointments for this year:
(1) The believers among us You know who you are: feminists, anti-abortionists, libertarians, progressives, real progressives, really real progressives, red-blooded conservatives, yellow-urined war defenders. Grow up! If an issue has survived long enough to have two solidly defended sides, then it is complicated. Remember, every problem has at least one clear, straightforward, and totally incorrect solution. You’re part of that solution.
(2) The non-believers among us You know who you are: the moderates; the left wing of the right wing blogosphere (h/t to Al Maviva for the term); the restrained, cultured, and thoughtful elite; those who believe that abortion should be safe, legal, and rare. Grow up! If an issue has survived long enough to have two well defended sides, then it’s not going to go away just because you massaged it. Which side are you on, boy?
(3) Washington Governor Christine Gregoire For running such an aggressively disappointing campaign that she almost lost. For being such a disappointing Attorney General tht her campaign mattered.
(4) Former Washington Representative Dino Rossi For almost winning the governorship of Washington State, despite having as a primary qualification that he was not as kooky as the 1998 republican candidate.
Andrei
Mine: John Kerry and the Democratic Leadership.
How the fuck they could lose to an imbecile like George Bush the Son — dirty tricks used against them and all — is entirely beyond me.
Andrei
And yes, I know that’s year, but my anger has at least two more years worth of juice to it.
Capriccio
Grievance: Balloon Juice.
How can a liberal really complain when in a virtuoso turn at being fair and balanced JC knocks the Republican Party, the House Republican Leadership, the Bush Adminstration AND the Democrats.
Yet when he details his brief against the Dems, one is left in complete bafflement. Cindy Sheehan and immediate withdrawal from Iraq? That’s it? Except in JC’s mind, Cindy is a minor player on the periphery of Democratic politics and immediate withdrawal from Iraq…as in tomorrow or next week…or even next month…is a debate over semantics at best and a Republican gimmick at worst.
Just hard to believe that JC can’t come up with some complaints about Democrats that even Democrats would endorse: like owning up too late to their responibilities as the loyal opposition (with more emphasis on opposition and less on loyal); inability to craft a message that quickly and easily sparks the imagination of the average citizen; over-reliance on focus groups and DLC consultants; inability to fit their party’s principles and proud legacy to the realities of globalization, terrorism, and technological change; timidity in stating clearly what they stand for and why. I could go on. Books have been written on the subject…by Democrats. But JC continues to be so traumatized by Cindy Sheehan and so anxious about keeping his street cred on the right side of the blogosphere that he hardly notices. If you’d really like to hear some solid critique of Democrats in 2006, JC, maybe you should try spending a little more time at Huffpo or daily kos.
capelza
Honestly? While pretty much everything that has been listed would work…I am really pissed that modern science can not come with a cigarette that isn’t harmful or obnoxious. I really, really want one. This patch sucks.
John Cole
capriccio- You are missing the point. I am listing the grievances mainly of those who have let me down, so of course my list would be Republcians. A Democrat might have a much longer list of Democratic perfidy.
BTW- Look up issue saliency. The War in Iraq is extremely important to me, so the Democrat’s being wrong (IMHO) is enough of a nonstarter for me.
Gold Star for Robot Boy
My left ear – For starting to go deaf.
Festivus 2006, my right ear may make its debut in the list of grievances.
Paddy O'Shea
Freeper Bells
Running through the hills
With a shotgun in my hand
I’m on my way to save
God’s beloved land
Glue on diaper rags
Makes my spirits bright
George Bush talks to Jesus
And my politics are right
Ohhhhhh
Freeper Bells Freeper Bells
I’m Freeper all the day
Cheering our men in Iraq
From 9,000 miles away
Ohhhhhh
Freeper Bells Freeper Bells
I never served a day
But me and my computer
Are gung-ho all the way
Lib America haters all
Think we’re dumb and mean
But we don’t torture them
Well not just yet it seems
But the day is coming soon
When they’ll all go away
I own Ann Coulter dolls
But that doesn’t mean I’m gay
Ohhhhhhh
(repeat chorus)
Zifnab
Haha. There’s really not much up there I can’t disagree with. Comforting to know that whatever the state of the world, you can never gain more support than by going universally negative. That said,
People, places, and things that can suck it:
1) The State of Texas: You suck. Your politics is attrotious. Your budget is in shambles. Your children are dumb and getting dumber. Your adults are drunken redneck thickheaded hicks proving that the apple and the tree are rarely distant. For the past 165 years you have been a varying degree of embarassment to our nation, but the past five have really taken the cake. Thank you for screwing up our country on the national, state, and local level. You suck.
2) Corporate America: Please stop trying to sell me shit I don’t need. If one more piece of jail-bait struts out onto a Super Bowl TV commercial trying to sell me Pepsi or Doritos or any of your other fast food crack, I think I’m going to be sick.
3) Consumer America: Please stop trying to buy all the shit Corporate America is selling you. You’re only making yourselves poor, fat, and dumb. And you know it. I know you know it because Oprah said it and you were all watching. So don’t play innocent with me.
4) PBS: You’ve survived attempts at Republican monopolization and eveseration for the past twenty years. Now quit dicking around and go for the balls. You wouldn’t exist right now unless there were so many people who loved you so use that power and influence and make the public painfully aware of every time a right-wing (or left-wing) facist fucks up. You guys are entirely too nice.
5) CNN: Quit shilling for FOX News. Just because Bill O’Reily wants to wage a War on Christmas doesn’t mean you have to decend to his level of trite and thinwitted banter. Take the high road. Get some dignity. Maybe report on news or something.
6) Bill O’Reily: Hahahahahahaha. You suck so much. Your going to get spanked harder than Crossfire in a John Stewart special and you know it. Just a matter of time.
7) Stormy71: You’d be such a nice girl if you just stopped voting Republican.
8) Red State: Quit being board Nazis and let someone have a fucking opinion that doesn’t involve how much felattio to give our President.
9) Anyone I Missed: I’m generally disappointed in all of you this year. Happy Holidays and Merry Festivas.
DC
My list is here: Happy Festivus
Sony, unions, journalists, Sheppard Smith and a few others. I left politics out because we air grievances about that all year.
Zifnab
Before I forget
10)
: You cry like a girl.
SeesThroughIt
Republicans: Where oh where have all the principled conservatives gone? Can they recapture the current GOP from the inmates who are currently running the asylum?
Democrats: Ah, whatever. I never really liked you all that much anyway, but come on. The GOP is the biggest turd sandwich this side of an actual turd sandwich, and you can’t even take advantage and try to undo the damage the right wing has done.
The onano…oops, I mean blogosphere: Are you a loudmouth jerkoff? Do you have a webpage? Congratulations–you’re qualified to be a blogger. Be sure to refer to yourself as “the new media” whenever possible and at the end of the day, always pat yourself on the back for saving the world. (Mercifully, there are some exceptions.)
Creationists: If you want to regress back to the stone ages, can’t you go do it somewhere else? We’re trying to run a civilization here, and it’s hard enough as it is.
Binary thinking: “Either you’re with us or you’re a terrorist.” “Either you love life or you think everybody should get abortions at gunpoint.” It’s hard to believe people really are this stupid that they can’t think outside of the most ridiculous either/or statements, and yet here we are. And people wonder why I have such a misanthropic streak.
Hip-hop: Boy did you suck this year. I still love you, but given how lousy you’ve been for the past 5-10 years, I don’t know if I’m in love with you anymore.
Talking points: “Culture of life!” “Teach the controversy!” “Up or down vote!” “Filibustering faith!” “Fighting them there so we don’t fight them here!” “Freedom is on the march!” Boiling down complicated issues to panderingly insipid sloganeering is an insult.
That’s enough, but I’m just getting warmed up here.
Pooh
Since link whoring is officially kosher in this thread my list
Shills, Sony, Stern, ‘staches and Stupidity…
aop
1) People who talk during movies. And I don’t just mean egregious cellphone-talkers. I mean any talking in movies, period. I’ve had it with you assholes. Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
2) Donks at poker tables that call with anything. Guy last night calls my top pair all-in with ace/trash and then wins on the river. I hate you, you imbecile, and I hope you lose your family home.
3) Religion, in general. As far as I can tell, the majority of the world’s current problems are largely due to people’s continued adherence to ancient creation myths. Also, what kind of God kills 200,000 people the day after Christmas? Get the fuck over it, everyone.
4) This is from last year, but since I had to hear about it this year–“The Davinci Code” SUCKS.
5) People who get to the front of lines and spend thirty fucking minutes asking the clerk what kind of yogurt they use in their smoothies, or if the bacon in their BLTs is applewood smoked, or whatever. Just fucking order. I hate you. (Note: may be particular to the greater Los Angeles area).
6) Los Angeles. The weather is fucking awesome. The people are bad-driving, pea-brained narcissists.
7) Christmas. The holidays, whatever. Every year, you’ve got to put your life on hold for three weeks, go to lame parties, buy presents, and generally weather the assault of forced Christmas cheer and rampant consumerism on steroids. I fucking hate it. Sorry.
Pan Pan (anon)
Why can’t I stop coming to this blog? What is it about the combination of misinformed opinions and genuinely entertaining and personable posts that causes me to come to this blog every day even after pledging to stop long ago? My number one grievance is thus aimed at John Cole himself for stumbling upon the formula for engaging bloggery.
jg
I hear that. I’ve bled way too much money to calling stations at my tables. Another peeve I have is assholes who don’t ever raise you back.
Read Angels and Demons, its better. They’re both written at 8th grade level but Demons is more interesting IMO.
Seriously. The only place I read about Sheehan is here. If she wasn’t so unattractive I’d think had an itch for her. Then again your posts about wine and cooking and soap opera plot lines makes you suspect anyway. :) j/k.
BTW immediate pullout doesn’t mean make for the roof of the embassy and grab hold of a helicopters skids.
pennywit
Your critique of the media holds rather true, esp. in the case of the New York Times. I can’t believe that we’ve spent the past year on the runaway bride, Terri Schiavo, Murtha, and Valerie Plame while the Times was sitting on this thing for the whole bloody year.
I can’t believe that, as a nation, we spent so much time on these trivialities when the nation’s political dialogue should have focused on the highly consequential NSA story, which touches on the very heart of how we fight the war on terror.
–|PW|–
Kirby
“J.E. Says:
If you’re ripping on pro sports teams from Pittsburgh, don’t forget a little hostility towards the Penguins.”
I’ll handle it.
The Penguins – for signing too many old free agent forwards who have been a disappointment. They should have worried more about defence. Also, for naming Sidney Corsby Assistant Captain. He’s only 18 and already has enough pressure on him. he’s not ready for a leadership role. Just let him play.
Sidney Crosby – for yapping too much. The spotlight is all over you. Play the game and keep your mouth shut. You’re getting a reputation as a whiner and you’re only 2 months into your pro career.
The Other Steve
Grievances of a different color
1) People who think they need to special order. The old… I want the burrito, but not with ground beef, rather with shredded, and light on the sauce, hold the tomato, oh and extra sour cream and just hold the tortillo and put it in a bowl. And then whine when it doesn’t come exactly how they wanted it. Sheesh, learn to like what life gives you.
2) Restaurant Service. You do not need to ask me how is it going, especially when I’m talking to my friends. If I want you at my fucking table, I will wave my arm or make eye contact. And look, when I set my fork down, it doesn’t mean you need to take my plate away. What kind of cheap joint is this? you need my plate so you can serve the next person? Go buy some extra plates. Leave everything at the table until I’m ready to get up and leave. Sheesh
3) Drivers They all suck. If I was God Emperor of America, I would ban slushboxes. They make you fucking lazy and you aren’t paying enough attention to what you are supposed to be doing… i.e. DRIVING!
4) Automakers Start making more models available with sticks. I don’t want to buy your slushbox.
A Special Thank You Goes out to Bavarian Motor Works for making the 3-Series available with a manual transmission. Although I’m still not sure if hiring Bangle was a good move.
5) General Motors You suck. Analysts were saying 5-10 years ago that you can’t put all your eggs in the SUV market, and you fucking ignored them you stupid shitheads. Volkswagen was able to turn itself around from having a reputation of building crappy junk, to being highly desirable. Why can’t you figure that out?
6) Cadillac in particular It’s called a French Curve. They’re 99 cents at the drafting store. Buy one and learn how to use it.
The Other Steve
U.S. Troops Draw Up Own Exit Strategy
choice quotes:
Krista
Who/what am I disappointed in? Not much — I tend to always have low expectations. Here’s a small list, however:
1. Stephen King – I tried to love the end of the Dark Tower series. I really did. But I just can’t. It just felt like you ran out of steam and forced this book out to shut all your fans up.
2. Dreyfus – I love my little buddy, but he just refuses to get along with other dogs, which makes going for walks a perilous activity.
3. The people down the street – for letting their idiotic, aggressive Chow dog run around the village terrorizing the other dogs.
4. My sister – for always finding a new way to fuck up and complicate her life, just as things are starting to go well for her.
5. Myself – for not losing that last 10 lbs., for not volunteering, for not keeping in better touch with my friends, for still being utter crap with money, and for letting Darrell get to me.
Happy Festivus, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Hannukah, Happy Yule, and I hope everybody has a kickass 2006!
Another Jeff
I bartend every now and then at the place i worked at while i was in grad school, and since i just did it last night, I’ll give you a brief Bartenders List of Grievances.
1) Most bartenders, despite what you think, are capable of remembering more than one thing at a time. So, if you order one drink and i put it down in front of you, don’t then order one more, and then one more. I can remember three–or four, or five–drinks at time. You’re wasting my time and yours when you do that.
2) If you’re with a group of people and you wave your hand at me like you’re ready to order, don’t wait until i get up to you to ask the people you’re with what they’re having. You should’ve already asked them before flagging me down you asshole.
3) If you ask me what’s on tap and i go down the list of what we have on tap, don’t then say “well, do you have _____?” and ask me if we have something i didn’t name. If we have it on tap, i would’ve said it.
4) The way Europeans tip. OK, the fact of the matter is, nobody is obligated to leave a tip, and if you’re gonna complain about crappy tippers, get a job where you dont’ have to rely on tips, but in most European countries, bartenders are paid a good salary or hourly wage and tipping isn’t necessary. If you’re bitch that Americans coming to your country don’t respect and learn the culture before comign there, learn something about here before you come.
OK, as you were.
James C.
BALLOON JUICE – John Cole has simply found his niche: the blogosphere’s equivalent of Kevin Phillips.
Cole’s reaping the rewards (via traffic) of scanning the web and finding instances where he can parrot kos, atrios or one of the other dependable whack jobs, with the distinguishing feature of doing so from the standpoint that he’s criticizing his own party. But, the 39th consecutive “the religious right has gone too far” or “the Republicans have really blown this” entries have brought things to a boring conclusion for many of his “old-time” readers. I hope he enjoys his tenure as the flavor of the month from the looney left kossacks who love him whenever he is saying how bad Republicans and evangelicals are. If that’s what he wants, then Happy Festivus to him and his new chums!
aop
New Grievance–
8) James C. Can it, asswipe.
OCSteve
1. The blogosphere – for causing me to waste about 4 hours per day that could be put to much better use.
2. The GOP – clear majority and doesn’t know what the hell to do with it. Truly the gang that can’t shoot straight.
3. Bill Frist – you are the majority leader. Borrow some balls and act like it.
4. Anyone who slanders our troops in any way. There has been a lot of that this year. You want to go after their CinC or the suits in the pentagon fine, but leave the troops on the sharp end out of it. They are the most underpaid and generally under appreciated folks out there, putting their life on the line so you have the freedom to make a total ass out of yourself.
5. The SOB that parks diagonally across 2 spots so nobody can park next to his shiny new car. Closest I’ve ever come to keying a car…
6. ABC – for only airing a couple new episodes of Lost this fall.
7. My dog (got to get a pet reference in) – for refusing to crap where she is supposed to, instead waiting until we are a mile into our walk giving me the pleasure of carrying ‘crap-in-a-bag’ back a mile.
Paul Wartenberg
The Republicans You disappointed me when you blatantly pandered to the pro-life nimrods drooling over Terri Schiavo. So much so I finally worked up the anger to leave your dumb party.
George W. Bush Dude. DUDE! Grow. A. Brain.
Bush’s cronies My God. You’re all more incompetent and bull-headed than I am.
Congressidiot Jean Schmidt I’d like to thank you so much for reminding me of the Congressidiot you so clearly desired to emulate: Congressidiot Preston “Cane ’em from Behind” Brooks. If Ohio doesn’t have a method of voter recall, you’re surely the best reason for them to adopt it.
Dave Chappelle What the…? Dude, you got the money! I know having 12-year-old white boys going around saying “I’m Rick James Bitch” has got to be disheartening, but dammit you got paid! Go to work on Season Three, you lazy bum!
John McCain My dissapointment with you is simply that, disappointment. My God, you had backbone once. Why are you sucking up to Bush and Rove half the time? I love that you stood up on the No Torture issue, but you’re practically giving these crooks a free pass on their damn violations of FISA and the Fourth Amendment. Step up, Dawg! America needs you to bitch-slap these lying sneaks.
Another Jeff
OUT-FUCKING-STANDING!!!
The Green Knight
I only disagree with one thing on the list: that the Democratic Party agrees with Cindy Sheehan. They clearly, provably, obviously don’t. To do that would be actually to believe in something, you see. And that’s just not their thing.
James C.
NEW GRIEVANCE: “aop,” a somewhat lame card-carrying loon and clearly brain-dead witless coprophagiac.
DecidedFenceSitter
Democrats: How, in all of the fucking goddamn hells, did you people manage to get elected? How when you can’t seem to manage to keep a message as a party, do you fucking manage to keep a message personally?
Republicans: Specifically, the Goldwater Republicans. Just cause your friends are in power doesn’t mean you need to follow them blindly. Look at this way. If they don’t listen to you either, they get NOTHING done. YOU HAVE THE FUCKING GODDAMN SWING POWER. FUCKING USE IT. (Damn, I never type in all caps).
Both Political Parties: Fucking Gerrymandering. I’d swear this has done more damage then all the soft money in the world. And no one has the political backbone to try and work a more realistic solution on a nationwide basis. Same goes with state side and the electoral college. (I know I’m a year late, but fuck it, I’m ranting) Split the fucking electoral college, and no more of this winner takes all shit. Let’s make this a fucking race again. Not Red. Not Blue. PURPLE BITCHES! PURPLE!
Christmas: Let’s go back to our fucking puritanical roots and ban this fucking excuse for stress. I love Thanksgiving; you get together and you eat. Compared to Christmas where you have to shop for the perfect fucking gift every fucking year (not including Birthdays, Anniversaries, and whatever fucking other holiday rolls down the goddamn line) but you have to deal with the people who hate Christmas, hate Commercialism, or just hate those who hate Christmas. Bah FUCKING humbug.
To My Darling Wife: I know you have chronic migraines that are triggered by hormonal shifts. I know you are bleeding and not dying. But you know what, this happens every month. At least when I have a hormonal shift and get depressed, I have the common decency to sequester myself rather than blame my spouse, who will admit his fair share of faults, for everything is his fault in the world. Keep it up, go on I dare you.
Well I feel better.
Frank
John Cole- I generally agree, but you made a typo:
2.) The Torture Advocates- For taking every opportunity to paint those opposed to state sanctioned torture as little more than terrorist coddlers or people whose position is not one of principle but one of moral preening. You know who you are. You can go to hell.
You said can where you should have said will.
Smurfette
This reads more as an account of him sinking into schizophrenia than it’s intended purpose, but it’s an interesting skim
Chappelle Theory
John Cole
Yes, James C. You caught me. I carved out my niche parroting Kos and Atrios.
John S.
Pompous commenters: Most people are much more complicated than the petty label that many are so quick to slap on them (James C. is a lovely example on this thread, although Darrell is their patron saint) as a result of a handful of comments. Very rarely can people be accurately lumped in with larger populations because they happen to share a few common but disparate viewpoints.
Ben There
I don’t have any complaints. I do have the joy of living in the country I chose to defend.
Some who are so digusted with your country should have tried it. Then you could have joined me in celebrating our independence.
Having served in many places where so many voted with their feet to flee anarchy and totalitarian governments I am just happy to be in the United States.
SeesThroughIt
Oh man, I fucking hate those people. Good call. The same principle applies to people who parallel park and put like five feet of space in front of and behind them instead of pulling up and making enough room for somebody else to park. It drives me up the wall.
Laura
SBC – for changing their DNS without giving my office notice, causing me to waste 3 hours with them on the phone trying to figure out why our web access was at a crawl
My boss (who I love otherwise) – who strolls in between 9:30 and 10:00 and leaves at 6:00 everyday, and then acts like a martyr when her workload builds up
The Detroit Lions – for firing Steve Mariucci instead of Matt Millen
Geoff Petrie – for the weakest bench the Kings have had in years
My uncle and his wife, with 8 marriages between them, for saying gay marriage is a threat to the sanctity of marriage
Foothill communities who ship their homeless to Sacramento shelters
My ditsy, yet hardworking temp receptionist, who just called me at home, on my day off, because she couldn’t remember a very simple instruction I gave her yesterday
Spineless Democrats – same reasons as everyone else
Americans who think dissent is unpatriotic
My relatives who can’t grasp that my Panamanian sister-in-law is not from Mexico
Joe Lieberman – change parties already!
My cat, Catherine, who vomits up hairballs only on throw rugs and never on the easy-to-clean hardwood floors
My cat, Heathcliff, who’s such a mama’s boy that he can’t let Catherine sit on my lap for one minute without jumping up and basically shoving her off so he can have me all to himself
Drivers turning onto a one-way street who can’t be bothered to look both ways in case there’s a pedestrian (me), crossing the street. Same with pedestrian-hating drivers who think they’re supposed to stop 5 feet in front of the stop sign
My mystery neighbor who keeps raking my lawn. I should appreciate this, but is it really a crime to only rake once a week? Stop making me feel guilty.
George Bush
Feliz Festivus!
Laura
So much for my bullet points. Oh well.
Laura
As someone who got a nasty note on my car for this when I lived in San Francisco, keep in mind that the person who is parked 5 feet from other cars could have been there first, parked appropriately close to other cars who have since moved. I still hold a grudge against the mystery person who wrote me that note.
jg
Screw Bangle. I hear he didn’t approve the new 3 but I still hate it. I bought an 01 330Ci. Stick of course.
Heather
The American public (myself included) for continuing to take it up the ass from this administration!
ATS
Two grouses:
1) WTC families got millions, military families now get diddly. Why?
2) Numerous Middle East analyses (call it the Syriana syndrome) fail to mention oil and Israel as major rationales–when everyone in the know believes otherwise.
Hey jg, BMW has ALWAYS made the 3 and the 5 series (!) available with stick shift. That’s because, while Mercedes also makes buses, trucks and taxis, BMW makes airplane motors and sporting motorcycles.
Daimler- Benz is the official staff car of AARP.
silky
1) The evangelical crowd: First off, the self-indulgence. There are countries on this planet where Christians are killed, and Bibles are illegal. The next time someone gives you a holiday greeting other than “merry christmas”, please just get the fuck over yourself and move on. Also, don’t ask me to adhere to your beliefs until you’re willing to do so. Jesus clearly refuted an eye for an eye in favor of turning the other cheek, no matter how painful it might be. If you support a war, any war (and I support most, frankly), you’re not following christ anymore than I am when I slip into a little pre-marital fornication from time to time. There’s a religion for people who prefer the old testament to the new, and I’m told you can convert. Until you do, you utterly lack credibility and I’m afraid that if you keep trying to take over my government, some of us are going to have to start telling you so.
2) Republicans first, conservatives second if at all: If you defend Tom Delay after he says there is no fat to cut from the federal budget, you my friend are not a conservative. Go ahead and keep being a Republican though, they pretty obviously have no intellectual honesty requirements these days.
3) The lottery: I live in a lottery state (Kentucky if it matters to ya). We used to have these things called convenience stores. Now when I go to one, only for a thirst-quenching beverage, I’m made to stand behind a stuttering illiterate who spends as much time deciding exactly which scratch-off ticket they should get screwed by as I spent studying for the SATs. One day I will go to prison for my response to this provocation, I’m a ticking time bomb.
4) The incurious cast members of Lost: It’s amazing how much they might know if they could think to ask a question that is screaming to be asked of any new person they encounter. I could list at least 20 instances of this, but I’d just get frustrated again.
5) The anti-Patrick Henry crowd: Give me liberty or give me death has officially been supplanted by “Take all the freedoms daddy, just don’t let the bad man scare me again” There’s a war on: Man up, bitches.
Tim F.
I’m with Crooks and Liars, you guys can hear my grievances several times a day. What’s more interesting to me is to see how many blogs I can get in on New Year’s resolutions…
chef
I deplore the recent tendency for “balanced coverage” when the other side of the issue is not embraced by any person worth hearing. For example, “intelligent design,” in a scientific debate. Or the squirrel who bought dougj’s gambit that the Wilsons were French spies.
Democracy gives us one man one vote, but not equal time. That you have to earn. I am not interested in Rush Limbaugh’s take on Nietzsche or Jackie Mason’s take on Christmas. At least that tendentious windbag Michael Beschloss had the decency to stick to being only wrong about Presidents.
SeesThroughIt
True indeed, Laura. Hell, just the other day, I walked out of my apartment to see my car, which previously had been nestled between two other cars, now effectively taking up two potential parking spots. So I moved my car up.
But then again, when I’m trying to find parking near Haight and Masonic and see one car taking up two spaces, it’s hard to not want to shake my fist at them as I slowly cruise by, hoping that empty spot ahead doesn’t have impending street sweeping and/or isn’t a loading zone.
The Disenfranchised Voter
Hahhahaha. Nice one, aop.
Kevin D. Korenthal
Good post John. You are wrong about almost all of it (other than the Hollywood part) but good post! Merry Christmas!
Ancient Purple
My grievances:
Lack of Courage in Arizona or California – These two states are golden states. Great climate, beautiful scenery, etc. There’s only one catch, they have some of the most tight-fisted taxpayers in the nation. They all want smooth roads and pretty parks and the like, but they don’t want to pay for it. I would give a week’s pay to see one legislator in either state call a press conference and say, “I work for a bunch of idiots who want the golden life, but don’t want to pay for it. I am sick of it, so I am leaving and going into a very private life where I don’t have to work for you douchbags. Good night, assholes.”
Ann Coulter – I would like to think that I am not a violent person, but this wench needs a good ass kicking. Why every single person on the right doesn’t disavow her and tell to shut up is beyond me. She is a racist pig and my only regret is that the two guys in Tucson weren’t able to get that pie to meet her face.
Gay marriage opponents – You will never meet a more disingenuous, hateful group of parrots in your life. They don’t really know how gay marriage supposedly hurts their marriage. All they can do is parrot what their pastor (usually the product of some cheap, creepy “Bible college” with phony credentials) says. Still, they never seem to want to answer this simple question: If gay marriage is such a threat to straight marriage, then why does Massachusettes – a state with gay marriage – have the lowest divorce rate in the nation, while Arizona and Nevada – two states that prohibit gay marriage – have the two highest divorce rates in the country?
People I know who insist on sending me spam – For the love of God, people, stop sending me your jokes, chain letters, mass-mailed blessings, and audio clips of people with flatulence. And spare me your crocodile tears when I politely ask you to take me off your mass email list. I don’t consider spam email to be “keeping in touch with friends.” So just stop it.
My Jury Summons – I got a jury duty notice last week. I know what will happen. I will show up, fill out the questionaire and then get called into the judge’s chambers to explain myself. Why? Well, because I am a strong proponent of jury nullification. I always have been and always will be. I am more than happy to sit on a jury, but if you simply want someone to be a robot for the court, let’s get rid of the whole “trial by jury” thing and let judges decide. Still, I will get a lecture by the judge who will tell me about how I am a bad citizen and such and then suggest that I rethink my position before finally telling me that I am not a good candidate to be an impartial juror. Fine by me, but how about you mark my name and never send me these things again then?
The Trickle Down Meme – What a horrible economic model, but it gets repeated like it was the Beatitutdes. In theory, we give Donald Trump a bazillion more dollars instead of the average worker a 3% pay raise to pay some bills because, eventually, over time (be it 1 year or 10,000 years) Trump’s cash flow will “trickle down” to the little people in the form of a blossoming economy. What it really boils down to is that Trump will now be able to order two $100 steaks at dinner for himself, and in about five years, you will be able to afford the $0.99 can opener to finally get to open your can of pork and beans. Enjoy.
Those F*cking Car Magnets – Everyone has them on the back of their cars. “Support the Troops.” Yeah, because nothing says support like spending $2.00 to buy a magnet from 7-11 and attaching it to the back of your SUV.
John Cole – For making me addicted to his blog.
Have a great HOLIDAY season everyone!
RonB
It is also a great place for recovering conservatives like myself to find a kindred spirit starting to question the logic of everything that everyone of his political stripe has been dishing. Not a grievance, but a thank you to John for having the courage to come out and reexamine just what it is the people he has been supporting may truly be up to.
Sine.Qua.Non
Festivus: Airing of Grievances
Well, that was fun to get off my chest. It’s large enough as it is.
Laura
I lived on Divisadero between Haight and Page. I loved living in San Francisco, but I don’t miss trying to find a parking spot. I especially don’t miss setting my alarm for 5:00AM so I could move my car before it got ticketed for parking in a street cleaning zone. I have the same problem in Sacramento, but street cleaning doesn’t start until 8:00AM here, and it’s only one or two days a week. It seemed like Divisadero had street cleaning every other freaking day.
One of the other things I didn’t like about living in San Francisco was getting behind someone on Hayes Street or California who was afraid of driving stick on a hill. Or maybe they weren’t afraid, but they couldn’t go forward without rolling back ten feet first. I’m adding that to my grievances even though I haven’t driven in San Francisco in about three years. It’s a perpetual pet peeve, so I think it counts.
Perry Como
Ancient Purple Says:
I
Perry Como
Yay, I broke the comment. What I was saying…
I love that grievance. I understand why jury nullification can be bad, but better 100 guilty go free than 1 go to jail for bad law ::cough:: drug war.
srv
srv
Hey, I did that right, it mauled the text after.
Sees, ya wanna move my car Tuesday? Page and Baker. Man, wish I’d left the keys somewhere…
I’d have bought ya a growler rather than pay the $35 Christmas parking ticket.
ppGaz
First of all, it’s Christmas, and I really can’t get worked up into a grievance mood. I have ten days off. It’s eighty degrees here this weekend. The Mustang is running really sweet. I have a great doctor who helped save my ass from a serious medical crisis this summer. (“Ass,” here, is a figure of speech.) I have a 7-month old granddaughter here who is the light of all our lives at the G homestead. Life is really good. I can’t complain about anything.
However, this won’t last, and soon enough I’ll be back to my normal obnoxious bitching and moaning self, about something. I just don’t know what yet.
Put the X back in Xmas, put a gooey pie in the face of a Republican, and have a great holiday.
Beej
Commenters who think that reasoned debate consists of calling those who disagree with them a clever (and often obscene) name. Name calling is a tried and true propaganda technique, but it has no relationship to reason.
Perry Como
Duly noted Bee-jay.
Mac Buckets
I got a lot of problems with you people!
The music industry. You think movies were bad in 2005? The recording industry deserves all the piracy it gets this year. After an outstanding 2004 in both hip-hop and ind-alt-college-rock, both fell off the table like a Roy Oswalt curveball in 2005. Bad CDs by the usually-reliable Weezer, …Trail of Dead, Stereophonics, and Coldplay and the absense of new releases by the Class of 2004 made this a year to forget. Fat Joe and a decent Kanye CD rescued hip-hop’s year from complete disaster, while on the rock side, the year was saved by talented lesser-lights like Maximo Park and Bloc Party.
Dave Chapelle. Just make the damn show. You were the funniest thing on TV, bitch!
The MSM. What can I say about them that hasn’t already been said about a old, drunk, syphilitic whore? Special grievance regarding Tim Russert, who asks a decent question, then lets his guest refuse to answer, change the subject, and launch into a political attack on his opponent…and Russert just quietly moves on to the next question. What is your point, Tim, if you aren’t going to make anyone answer your questions ever?
The Houston Texans. Why are you trying to win games now all of a sudden, after a heartless and brainless first half of the season? Are you guys functionally retarded? Reggie Freaking Bush is coming out this draft!
Bush. For appearing to be, on the surface, a moron.
Every other politician besides Bush. For appearing to be, just millimeters underneath the surface, morons.
Islamic fundamentalist terrorists. Someone should finally take a stand against those nutjobs.
Christmas trees. I find tinsel distracting.
Political Blogs. Most are ignorant bastions of hubris and hate. The others are just bad. What kind of moron would waste time on these bandwidth-thieves?
People who link to blogs as sources. Come on.
Ron Chusid
There’s also an airing of grievances at The Democratic Daily:
http://blog.thedemocraticdaily.com/?p=1493
Sine.Qua.Non
And I have to live in this hellhole.
Mac Buckets
Don’t judge all Texans on Paul Begala and Ann Richards.
By the way, next time you go off on how dumb some other people are, you might want to check your spelling and grammar. Unless you like looking like an idiot, that is.
Zifnab
No no. I totally live down here. Right in the middle of DeLay country too. You think he’s a bit screwy? You should meet some of the people who voted for him.
That said, don’t be a grammar nazi. I’m amazed they aren’t on someone’s list already.
aop
Amen. What a dismal year. The new New Pornographers was great, though…
That reminds me:
9) People who don’t proofread their posts, and/or don’t have a grasp of basic grammatical rules. Especially the perpetual confusion about it’s/its and their/there/they’re. I’m a grammar nazi, I admit it.
demimondian
Mac Buckets…I hate to tell you this (well, actually I don’t, but don’t tell anybody), but “politics” is like “semantics” and “mathematics” — it’s actually a singular noun, but most English speakers hyperregularize it as plural. In fact, “politics is” is correct, just as “data are” is correct.
chef
I’m a usage Nazi. Such as when a guy on Sports Center says, “thank you for making that so simplistic for us.”
Or the time they urged us to,” make way for Michael Jordan’s usual late-game histrionics!”
SeesThroughIt
Oh yeah. My girl lives on Masonic between Haight and Page, so it’s the same exact story. And for the past month or so, PG&E has been doing work on Masonic, so all of those parking spaces had to be vacated by 6am lest you get towed. That made the parking situation even more dire. I love SF, but the parking situation is atrocious. We don’t have nearly so much parking drama here in Oakland.
Actually, lemme add parking tickets to my list of grievances. I probably blew $300 or so on them in a year when I didn’t really have $300 to blow.
skip
Laments 2005:
1) Verbal Hyperbole: How about a moratorium on “wars,” whether on Christmas or on America. And at least an Armistice in the War of Terror until you can tell me when and how we might feasibly know when it is over. Ditto for the words traitor and treason unless we are talking about the likes of Aldrich Aimes or Jonathan Jay Pollard. And “anti-semitic” should be used for people who don’t like Jews, not for people who jews don’t like. Islamofascism might be okay, if only Jihadism were nationalist, militarist and into ethnic cleansing— which it is mostly not.
2) Auto Treacle: I second the ho-hum on “I Support the Troops” magnets, but I really don’t care where your kid is an honor student, or what you brake for. And what I have hugged today is none of your goddamn business.
3) Spoil Sports: There is a reason so many people hate Duke, starting with Coach K’s wrinkled nose and the Ivy-reject dukies who paint their empty heads like Mel Gibson’s picts. Then there are the de-baffled Harley clowns who have made the sport of motorcycling about as popular as serial root canal or the WNBÅ.
4) Talking Point Heads: People like Ed Gillespie who repeat the day’s talking point as if were divine revelation. Ed, we know you will think something is “class warfare” before you say it. We know you will deplore the “blame game” before they turn on the lights. And don’t even mention Terry McAulliffe.
5) The Wholly Odious. People who would scare John’s cat: Lynne Cheney, Ted Stevens, Chris Matthews, Bill O Reilly, Sean Hannity, Joseph “Ack-Ack” Ratzinger, Ariel Sharon, Joan Rivers, and Billy Graham’s angular son Lurch.
6) The Generally Unctious. People who would make John’s cat heave on the newspaper: Chuck Schumer, Charley Rose, Jimmy Carter, Tony Blair, Dr. Phil and Ralph Reed.
7) The Overexposed. Too much of a (almost) good thing: Wolf Blitzer, Britny Spears, the DiTech twit, the Geiko lizard, Chris Berman, the AEI and Brookings,
8) The Underexposed. Too little about a bad thing: John Bolton’s requests for intercepts, the Sniper School in the West Bank, Marc Rich involvement on both sides, Mossad among the Kurds, Saudi ties to the Sunni insurgents, AMDOCS and Bob Ney, AIPAC and the Niger documents, the number of times OSP people lost clearances and why.
Oops, somone is knocking on my do . . . .
Allen Salkin
The fact that you didn’t mention my book Festivus: The Holiday for the Rest of Us (with a foreword by Jerry Stiller) as inspiration for this list. You can air grievances at http://www.festivusbook.com and laugh at this Festivus movie:
http://www.vidlit.com/festivus
–Allen Salkin
chef
The #1 complaint:
MEET THE PRESS reminded me of a real 2005 Bete Noire this morning. Yet I again heard eminent journalists say (in this case Russert, Koppel and Brokaw) that all the world’s intel sources agreed before the war that Saddam had WMDs.
Even if that were true (which the INR, the UN inspectors, and some in the DIA would dispute), it was never agreed that Iraq had sufficient WMDs to pose the “grave” threat Bush claimed it was. THAT is the point, and it has been made often here and elsewhere. Is this too subtle for the MSM savants to grasp? It seems simple to me.
Sine.Qua.Non
Actually, you’ve got that wrong. Don’t judge Texans by the example of GW Bush, Karl Rove, Tom DeLay, Rick Perry, John Cornyn, Kay Bailey Hitchinson, and assorted other nematodes. Well, maybe 50% of them.
John: thanks! (PS-get some catnip!)
TerpNats
My grievances are pointed towards:
Major League Baseball: Yes, we in the Washington area are thankful to have a baseball team again, and I saw more than two dozen Nationals’ games this past season. Now would you and the D.C. Council put aside your petty differences, get a stadium lease and give us a legitimate owner so we can compete on the same level as the other 29 MLB franchises?
The TV networks: Your staple over the past few decades — the sitcom — remains in critical condition. Please revive the genre and do it with shows that are well-written and geared for a mass audience, and no, that’s not an inherent contradiction. (And sorry, “Arrested Development,” but you were too proud for the room. If “Frasier” can film before a live audience, you could have too.)
The Democratic party: Focus on economic issues, not the cultural crap that turns off everyone west of Manhattan and east of Hollywood. Realize that there are liberal, progressive people who oppose both the death penalty and abortion (but support contraception and sex education). Finally, nominate someone who can win in 2008 (and no, Hillary, that’s not you), even if it’s someone who doesn’t please the Ivy League policy wonks and single-issue blocs.