Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

In after Baud. Damn.

When I decide to be condescending, you won’t have to dream up a fantasy about it.

fuckem (in honor of the late great efgoldman)

The willow is too close to the house.

Is trump is trying to break black America over his knee? signs point to ‘yes’.

So very ready.

Republican also-rans: four mules fighting over a turnip.

Tide comes in. Tide goes out. You can’t explain that.

If you’re gonna whine, it’s time to resign!

This must be what justice looks like, not vengeful, just peaceful exuberance.

SCOTUS: It’s not “bribery” unless it comes from the Bribery region of France. Otherwise, it’s merely “sparkling malfeasance”.

Imperialist aggressors must be defeated, or the whole world loses.

Republicans in disarray!

Within six months Twitter will be fully self-driving.

Fuck these fucking interesting times.

I don’t recall signing up for living in a dystopian sci-fi novel.

The next time the wall street journal editorial board speaks the truth will be the first.

They are not red states to be hated; they are voter suppression states to be fixed.

Every reporter and pundit should have to declare if they ever vacationed with a billionaire.

I have other things to bitch about but those will have to wait.

One of our two political parties is a cult whose leader admires Vladimir Putin.

“In the future, this lab will be a museum. do not touch it.”

Second rate reporter says what?

Democracy cannot function without a free press.

You are here: Home / Popular Culture / The Best 15-Minute Movie, Evah.

The Best 15-Minute Movie, Evah.

by | 33 Comments

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It has come to my attention that this August the greatest film in the history of the known universe will star Samuel L. Jackson as a federal agent fighting killer snakes set loose on an airplane. The name? Snakes on a Plane. Not kidding. For both of you who do not know about the internet hysteria that has been scared up by New Line’s campfest, check out here, or here in general.

If you’re on an airplane and you have a snake problem I don’t get why you would use Samuel Jackson when you could use climate control. Snakes can’t stay very active below 65 fahrenheit or so. Turn the AC to slightly-uncomfortably-cold, wait ten minutes and then send out Samuel Jackson with some tongs to pick them up and put them in a bag.

I nominate the film for best short, and Samuel Jackson for special achievement in the handling of inanimate rubber snakes.

***Update***

This is pretty funny:

“Snakes”-ophiles already were hard at work. Chris Rohan of Bethesda, Md., created an elaborate, R-rated audio trailer that lovingly mocks the title and movie. “It’s a genius title,” Rohan said. “It’s so stupid it’s great. It invites satire, but it’s something you just love. It’s something I can’t explain. You either get it or you don’t.”

The audio bit uses a Jackson sound-alike shouting, “I want these mother——- snakes off the mother——- plane!” Soon, the growing legion of fans added their voices as they demanded that that phrase also appear in the movie.

Apparently, the studio got the hint. When Ellis assembled Jackson and others for the recent shoot, the filmmakers added more gore, more death, more nudity, more snakes and more death scenes. And they shot a scene where Jackson does utter the line that fans have demanded.

Remember, blogospherians: with great power comes great responsibility.

BTW, I hope that the reshoot included a gratuitous shower scene. Those should never have gone out of style.

Reader Interactions

33Comments

  1. 1.

    SeesThroughIt

    I posted the trailer for this in an open thread here not too long ago. I cannot tell you how excited I am for this movie.

  3. 3.

    Krista

    If you’re on an airplane and you have a snake problem I don’t get why you would use Samuel Jackson when you could use climate control. Snakes can’t stay very active below 65 fahrenheit or so. Turn the AC to slightly-uncomfortably-cold, wait ten minutes and then send out Samuel Jackson with some tongs to pick them up and put them in a bag.

    Why do you have to ruin everything with your leftist, Godless, science talk?

  4. 4.

    Steve

    This is simply awesome. I can’t wait for NRO to try and co-opt it as a “conservative movie” though. Seriously, within 6 months one of them will write a book entitled “Snakes on a Plane Conservatives.”

  5. 5.

    felix

    You neglected to mention that Jackson plays a bi-racial, transgendered herpetologist and therefore the movie is destined for the Oscars.

  6. 6.

    JWeidner

    Either the LA Times or the OC Register just had an article about Snakes on a Plane (SoaP). I guess they went back and shot like 5 days worth of extra footage – more deaths, more gore, more swearing, etc. Seems they were just edging into R-rated territory previously, and with the internet fan base that seems to be growing, they figured, why not go all the way to full R.

    As to my personal level of anticipation – I just don’t know. When it seemed like it would have been so corny it was funny, a clever marketing campaign might have convinced me to drop $10 to see it. Now that the studio seems to be taking the movie a little more seriously, I just can’t imagine spending the money, or the time.

    I’ll wait for an exclusive Balloon Juice review before I make my final decision…

  7. 7.

    Steve

    Now that the studio seems to be taking the movie a little more seriously, I just can’t imagine spending the money, or the time.

    If “taking the movie a little more seriously” means bringing Samuel L. Jackson in for a reshoot so he can say “I want these motherfucking snakes off the motherfucking plane!” then I am all about taking the movie more seriously.

  8. 8.

    SmilingPolitely

    For your average snake, maybe, but these are mutant snakes, immune to the effects of the cold. Didn’tcha know?

  9. 9.

    Pooh

    This movie may or may not be destined to enter the “Captain in Me” pantheon of great movies to see when one sees them on opening night with a flask and a huge diet coke.

    Other entries:

    Starship Troopers
    Dude, Where’s My Car?
    Varsity Blues
    Wedding Crashers
    and (I can only guess because I was too young when it came out to give it the treatment) Hudson Hawk

  11. 11.

    LITBMueller

    Just go to youtube.com, do a search for Snakes On a Plane and you can see both a quick clip of Sam Jackson discussing the movie (“It’s funnnn!!!!”) and some hilarious homemade fake teasers trailers.

    Nice!

    I can’t wait for the title of the porn version. My suggestion: “Trouser Snakes On a Plane”

  12. 12.

    The Other Steve

    This just in… Word is President Bush will be giving a speech tonight to address this issue. I have the transcript.

    My fellow citizens. Tonight I want to take a few minutes to discuss a grave threat to peace, and America’s determination to lead the world in confronting that threat.

    The threat comes from Iran. It arises directly from the Iranian regimes own actions — its history of agression, and it’s drive toward an arsenal of terror. We have warned the Iranian regime to destroy any and all weapons of mass destruction, to cease development of such weapons, and to stop all support for terrorist groups. The Iranian regime has violated all of these obligations. It possesses and produces chemical and biological weapons. It is seeking nuclear weapons. It has given shelter and support to terrorism, and practices terror against its own people. The entire world has witnesses Iran’s twenty-seven-year history of defiance, deception and bad faith.

    We must also never forget the most vivid events of recent history. On September the 11th, 2001, America felt its vulnerability — even to threats that gather on the other side of the earth. We resolved then, and we are resolved today, to confront every threat, from any source, that could bring sudden terror and suffering to America.

    But now, we have come to a turning point in history. We shall not waver, we shall not run. But I have received new intelligence from the most reliable of sources that Iran has developed a new weapon and is right now unleashing it amongst us.

    THEY’VE GOT SNAKES ON A FREAKING PLANE!

  14. 14.

    Paul Wartenberg

    This debate came up on another forum, where the fanbase there scoffed at the ‘snakes on a plane’ concept…

    …and immediately proposed an even BETTER movie idea: ZOMBIES ON A PLANE!

    (lest you think you can pound out a guaranteed money-making script on that zombie/plane idea, forget it someone else already wrote one called Flight of the Dead… sigh…)

  15. 15.

    SeesThroughIt

    This is simply awesome. I can’t wait for NRO to try and co-opt it as a “conservative movie” though. Seriously, within 6 months one of them will write a book entitled “Snakes on a Plane Conservatives.”

    Hahahahaha!

    As I’ve mentioned elsewhere, I’m already writing the screenplay for the sequel: Scorpions on a Dirigible.

  17. 17.

    jg

    Nothing will ever match the original!

    I certainly hope not. During the drag race scenes you’d think they were runing a slalom course with all the shifting going on. And whats with the talk of double clutching? Weren’t these modern cars with synchros in the gear box? And who would ever double clutch on an upshift? Whats the point? There’s no need to rev match on an upshift, most racers don’t even use the clutch when upshifting.

  18. 18.

    canuckistani

    Nothing will ever match the original!

    Mathematically correct. I have never seen a movie to match it.

    Alright, maybe Red Dawn.

  19. 19.

    Bob In Pacifica

    There was a movie a few years ago where Samuel L. Jackson was the only big name actor. It was about a place in the middle of the ocean where they were growing gigantic sharks because something that they got out of their brains helped cure Alzheimer’s (You’d think that they would have just gotten a whole bunch of little ones).

    Anyway, not to give away anything, but things go wrong at this giant shark-breeding facility because the bigger sharks that have bigger brains are smarter. A couple of people are gobbled up by the cunning sharks and things are falling apart at the station between the hell-raising sharks and a super hurricane heading right at the place. So Jackson, who is this big macho character, gives this stirring speech to the rest of the people, standing right next to the edge of a pool…

    The great thing about it was that the movie was setting you up for Jackson to be the leader of the people struggling against the sharks, but he was, er, gone by halfway through the second reel.

    That’s my favorite Samuel Jackson moment, giving a stirring speech and then getting torn up and swallowed by a brainy shark.

  21. 21.

    capelza

    Pooh Says:

    This movie may or may not be destined to enter the “Captain in Me” pantheon of great movies to see when one sees them on opening night with a flask and a huge diet coke.

    Other entries:

    Starship Troopers
    Dude, Where’s My Car?
    Varsity Blues
    Wedding Crashers
    and (I can only guess because I was too young when it came out to give it the treatment) Hudson Hawk

    3 words…Howard.the.Duck.

  22. 22.

    SeesThroughIt

    3 words…Howard.the.Duck.

    Jason X I went to the earliest show opening day. It was me, a homeless dude, and couple teenagers. I had a fucking blast.

  24. 24.

    The Other Steve

    I certainly hope not. During the drag race scenes you’d think they were runing a slalom course with all the shifting going on. And whats with the talk of double clutching? Weren’t these modern cars with synchros in the gear box? And who would ever double clutch on an upshift? Whats the point? There’s no need to rev match on an upshift, most racers don’t even use the clutch when upshifting.

    These were special cars… :-)

    Yeah, so it was a bit silly.

    But hey, what can you expect from a total rip-off of Point Break, which I’m sure was a total rip-off of an old movie that starred Steve McQueen or an equally awesome movie star quite unlike Theodore Logan.

  25. 25.

    The Other Steve

    You know what I miss? I really miss Cannon Films.

    The company that brought us Invasion USA, the next best thing to Red Dawn… Where a Soviet invasion is stopped by Chuck Norris all by himself!

    EAT THAT WOLVERINES!

    Oh man! chucknorrisfacts.com is down! NOOOO!!!!!

  26. 26.

    Fledermaus

    use Samuel Jackson when you could use climate control. Snakes can’t stay very active below 65 fahrenheit or so.

    Wait. That’s it? Ever since I heard about the movie I’ve been trying to firgure out how to handle snakes on a plane.

    I’m just so disillusioned right now. That’s not hard at all.

  27. 27.

    Yellow Journalism

    Three fav movies to see while under the influence:
    Mannequin (“She’s the dummy!”)
    Raising Cain (Creepy kid/adult voice: “I’m gonna tell.”)

    and that classic…
    Showgirls (“I’m a dancer!” Yes, even us ladies love this movie.)

    Also, I can’t wait to see what kind of video game tie-in they release for Snakes on a Plane.

  28. 28.

    CDB

    Gin Rummy: I always say the absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence.
    Riley: What?
    Gin Rummy: Simply because you don’t have evidence that something does exist does not mean you have evidence of something that doesn’t exist.
    Riley: What?
    Gin Rummy: What country are you from?
    Riley: What?
    Gin Rummy: ‘What’ ain’t no country I ever heard of! They speak English in ‘What’?
    Riley: What?
    Gin Rummy: English, motherfucker! Do you speak it?
    Riley: Yeah.
    Gin Rummy: So you understand the words I’m saying to you!
    Riley: Yeah.
    Gin Rummy: Well, what I’m saying is that there are known knowns and known unknowns. But there are also unknown things that we know we don’t know.
    Riley: What?
    Gin Rummy: Say what again! Say what again! I dare you! I double dare you, motherfucker! Say what one more time!

  29. 29.

    SeesThroughIt

    equally awesome movie star quite unlike Theodore Logan.

    “I’m Bill S. Preston, Esquire!”
    “And I’m Ted Theodore Logan!”
    “And we are: Wyld Stallyns!”

    Sorry…seeing the named Theodore Logan set me off.

  30. 30.

    Angry Engineer

    Gin Rummy: I always say the absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence.

    Riley: What?

    I believe I may have pulled something from laughing too hard when that scene aired.

  31. 31.

    JWeidner

    BTW, I hope that the reshoot included a gratuitous shower scene.

    They oughta rename the movie then – Shower on a Plane. Or maybe that’ll just be the pr0n version…

  32. 32.

    John Steven

    Snakes On A Blog is your clearinghouse for all things SoaP. (Yesterday on All Things Considered, NPR had a segment about the internet buzz hiss over SoaP.)

    ~~~~~~~~~~’Snakes On A Plane (August) and the third season of Battlestar Galactica (October) are the two media properties I’m really going to miss if I deploy to Iraq.

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  1. […] It probably bears reminding that snakes are coldblooded. A less-entertaining movie would have the pilots turn the AC down to 55 or so and then send stewardesses around 15 or 20 minutes later to pick up the inanimate snakes. […]