Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

There is no compromise when it comes to body autonomy. You either have it or you don’t.

When they say they’re pro-life, they don’t mean yours.

People are complicated. Love is not.

Something needs to be done about our bogus SCOTUS.

He seems like a smart guy, but JFC, what a dick!

Let me file that under fuck it.

We are aware of all internet traditions.

Damn right I heard that as a threat.

The most dangerous place for a black man in America is in a white man’s imagination.

Make the republican party small enough to drown in a bathtub.

Bark louder, little dog.

I might just take the rest of the day off and do even more nothing than usual.

The real work of an opposition party is to hold the people in power accountable.

American History and Black History can not be separated.

The cruelty is the point; the law be damned.

Dear media: perhaps we ought to let Donald Trump speak for himself!

Innocent people don’t delay justice.

Republicans: The threats are dire, but my tickets are non-refundable!

The Giant Orange Man Baby is having a bad day.

Is it negotiation when the other party actually wants to shoot the hostage?

Let there be snark.

I’d hate to be the candidate who lost to this guy.

“Can i answer the question? No you can not!”

Do not shrug your shoulders and accept the normalization of untruths.

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Reader Interactions

29Comments

  1. 1.

    Face

    Glad to see Colorectal Cole continuing to flush the fastidious foreign flora from his frame. Props to your immunoglobulins and interleukins.

    In other news, look what Knew-It Gingrich says:

    Gingrich referred to the ejection last month of six Muslim scholars from a plane as follows: “Those six people should have been arrested and prosecuted for pretending to be terrorists. And the crew of the U.S. airplane should have been invited to the White House and congratulated for being correct in the protection of citizens.”

    Nothing like the fresh stench of xenophobia on an unseasonably warm Saturday morning…

  3. 3.

    CaseyL

    Hey, John: sounds like your sicktime was very productive. In oh so many ways.

    Don’t think of it as “having the flu.”

    Think of it as a stay at a much less expensive, home-style version of those purge-&-cleanse health retreats.

  7. 7.

    Salty Party Snax

    Trying to figure out what the increasingly frantic fundies mean by the “War On Christmas.” Because everywhere I go it is Xmas 24-7, and at a volume that drowns out jet aircraft.

    I mean, how can you possibly escape it?

  8. 8.

    Jake

    Trying to figure out what the increasingly frantic fundies mean by the “War On Christmas.”

    Allow me to translate: “Waaaah! Pay attention to us! Waaaah! We squandered any political gains we might have made by annoying the crap out of sane people! Waaaaah! Our fearless leader doesn’t love us any more! Waaaaah!” &c.

    If it were possible I’d like the radicals to have a week where the US was “Christian” enough for them. They’d die of boredom before Thursday.

  9. 9.

    ThymeZone

    If it were possible I’d like the radicals to have a week where the US was “Christian” enough for them.

    Well, apparently we’d have prominent “Christians” breaking down and admitting that they are really gay every other day.

    There’d be a Conga line of repenters and confessors. Their names would be a steady crawl at the bottom of every news channel.

  10. 10.

    p.lukasiak

    I think we should enlist America’s young people in the War On Christmas to keep them safe from going to Iraq — after all, one soldier can’t fight two wars at once!

  11. 11.

    Mike

    I just saw one of those Army commercials where they keep mentioning the Army of One, and I think that the Rethuglicans want a Government of One.

  12. 12.

    Zombie Santa Claus

    Trying to figure out what the increasingly frantic fundies mean by the “War On Christmas.” Because everywhere I go it is Xmas 24-7, and at a volume that drowns out jet aircraft.

    We must continue the bloody struggle until it is Christmas every day, every minute, every second, everywhere, in the hearts and minds of all the survivors around the world.

    The United States shall become a city on the hill, a rallying point… from whence th righteous sword of Santa shall cleanse the world with a holy, purifying flame.

    Then all children shall have toys, everywhere, at all times, and elves will cavort publicly without fear of retaliation. (Not gay elves, though. They violate the will of our Lord God and His servant Santa Claus, and shall be put to death in accordance with the edicts of Heaven.)

    BTW, I’m dead. And a zombie. But my brain was extracted for scientific research, and now writes these emails by means of a complicated series of wires, switches, catheters, gewgaws, gimcracks, and doohickeys hooked up to a computer console. My body roams the frigid northlands, killing Canucks and eating their brains, a righteous force of vengeance incarnate and zombified, a veritable Wendigo of our holy WOC, if you will. One day, we shall be reunited, but not until the last secularist lies dead.

    Ho ho ho, bitches!

  13. 13.

    ThymeZone

    We must continue the bloody struggle until it is Christmas every day, every minute, every second, everywhere, in the

    Well, your buddy Neutron Gingrich is on tv right now saying the same thing. Just substitute “War on Terror” for “Christmas.”

    Apparently ’tis the season for the crazy people: The politicianists.

  14. 14.

    demimondian

    Thus do we see the bravery and good sense of Santa Claus. Offered a choice between eternal rest and an unholy revivification to continue his quest, he chose the latter, rather than foolishly staying the corpse. “Stay the corpse” is no longer operative, apparently.

  15. 15.

    SeesThroughIt

    Trying to figure out what the increasingly frantic fundies mean by the “War On Christmas.”

    Have you ever said the phrase “happy holidays?” If so, then congratulations–you hate Christmas and are at war against it! You would shake the li’l baby Jebus to death in his manger if you had the chance!

  16. 16.

    Zombie Santa Claus

    Well, your buddy Neutron Gingrich is on tv right now saying the same thing. Just substitute “War on Terror” for “Christmas.”

    The War on Terror is only one small facet of the overall Christmas counteroffensive. The secularists/Marxists/atheists/Islamists/Darwinists stirred up a hornet’s nest when they came after me, and like a swarm of angry hornets I now intend to sting everyone, everywhere, all over the face of the Earth, until only I remain. Merry Christmas, you fuckers!

    Apparently ‘tis the season for the crazy people: The politicianists.

    What’s so crazy about them? Believe you me, they live a pretty sweet life. Lots of coal on December 25, but many of them also take bribes from the coal industry so it doesn’t really bother them too much.

    Thus do we see the bravery and good sense of Santa Claus. Offered a choice between eternal rest and an unholy revivification to continue his quest, he chose the latter, rather than foolishly staying the corpse. “Stay the corpse” is no longer operative, apparently.

    Well, to be fair, the choice wasn’t entirely mine. My brain was removed from my shattered, zombified corpse by Canuck scientists trying to unlock the key to my omniscience and use it to lead the Canadian military on to global conquest. They’ve been drugging me constantly, running electric shocks through me, poking me with scalpels, you name it. So far, all they know is my knockout recipe for Christmas margheritas. (The trick is to to substitute eggnog for margherita mix, rum for tequila, and absinthe for triple sec.) If they ever figure out how I make Christmas screwdrivers using rum and eggnog, they may unlock the code between my knowledge of everyone’s thoughts and actions the world over and my obnoxious habit of substituting rum and eggnog for the ingredients of every other drink on the planet. At that point, America is done for, and so is Belize, too.

    Have you ever said the phrase “happy holidays?” If so, then congratulations—you hate Christmas and are at war against it! You would shake the li’l baby Jebus to death in his manger if you had the chance!

    Yes, and you’ll be the first to die, if my zombie body catches you in a snowy field in Canada at night in subzero temperatures far from any civilization. Ho ho ho, bitches!

  17. 17.

    ThymeZone

    unlock the key to my omniscience and use it to lead the Canadian military on to global conquest

    Global conquest — with three busloads of soldiers?

    Delusional, eh?

  19. 19.

    Big Pimpin'

    How come nobody has ever made a porn flick with Santa taking on the role of a ribald and jolly seducer?

    Think of the opportunities for the line, “..on Xmas eve he’ll be coming down YOUR chimney!”

    You know?

  20. 20.

    Punchy

    Think of the opportunities for the line, “..on Xmas eve he’ll be coming down YOUR chimney!”

    Genius. Pure, unadulterated genius. Sign this guy up.

  21. 21.

    jake

    How come nobody has ever made a porn flick with Santa taking on the role of a ribald and jolly seducer?

    Strictly in the spirit of inquiry, I did a Yahoo! search for “Santa” and “porn”. Egads, talk about jolly old St. Dick.

    But now I have a question: Is Santa porn part of the War Against Christmass or a weapon (tool?) in the the War to save Christmas?

  22. 22.

    Zombie Santa Claus

    How come nobody has ever made a porn flick with Santa taking on the role of a ribald and jolly seducer?

    Ho ho ho! Frankly, the seventies were a bit of a blur, what with the booze and the amyl nitrate and the cocaine and whatnot. But I do remember doing a couple pictures back then, yes. I forget the names, though. Boy, was Mrs. Claus ever mad when she found out! I haven’t been walloped that hard with a frying pan since she found out about my little thing with Empress Theodora in A.D. 541!

    Think of the opportunities for the line, “..on Xmas eve he’ll be coming down YOUR chimney!”

    That’s a clever one. If you give me milk and cookies, I’ll come down your chimney shaft and drop off some toys! Ho ho ho!

    But now I have a question: Is Santa porn part of the War Against Christmass or a weapon (tool?) in the the War to save Christmas?

    Depends on whether or not I’m in the porn, I guess.

    Ho ho ho, bitches!

  23. 23.

    chopper

    Gingrich referred to the ejection last month of six Muslim scholars from a plane as follows: “Those six people should have been arrested and prosecuted for pretending to be terrorists. And the crew of the U.S. airplane should have been invited to the White House and congratulated for being correct in the protection of citizens.”

    dude, if praying to god before getting on a US Airways flight makes you ‘pretending to be a terrorist’, then i’ve been a faux terrorist like 10 times in the past 5 years.

  24. 24.

    Big Pimpin'

    Yo, Zombie Claus. Big pink fatboy like you should mind your mouth a little. I could make your chimney look like a heavily traveled interstate.

    Squeal like a Cringle.

  25. 25.

    The Other Steve

    How come nobody has ever made a porn flick with Santa taking on the role of a ribald and jolly seducer?

    Think of the opportunities for the line, “..on Xmas eve he’ll be coming down YOUR chimney!”

    You know?

    You mean like Very, Very Bad Santa?

    Available for $20.49 from cduniverse.com. :-)

    Personally, I’m waiting for the sequel. Very, Very Bad Santa 27.

  26. 26.

    Salty Party Snacks

    Has anyone ever stopped to consider the perverse innuendo in the seasonal tune “Here Comes Santa Claus?”

    Like nobody knows what “Right Down Santa Claus Lane” means.

    Is this what you want your children singing in school?

  27. 27.

    Salty Party Snax

    Has anybody ever stopped to consider the perverse sexual innuendo in the so-called seasonal tune “Here Comes Santa Claus?”

    Like nobody knows what “Right Down Santa Claus Lane” means.

    Is this the kind of thing you’d want your kids singing about in school?

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