Paul Kiel at TPM needs your help. I respect what Paul is doing but let’s face it, the task of cataloging our government’s awfulness is too big for one guy. IMO the job calls for a wiki. Dedicate one to the Worst President Ever and another to the Worst Congress Ever and invite the blogosphere to go to town. The TPM empire clearly has the resources for it. Based on a hunch and the remainder of last night’s beaujolais nouveau (pipe down, Demi) I predict that it will be huge.
by Tim F| 28 Comments
This post is in: Blogospheric Navel-Gazing
Comment redacted for security reasons.
The next obvious step is to classify the number of troops we have in Iraq (“can’t let them damn ragheads know how many bombs to make!”), followed by the classification of the number of soliders killed (with the requisite gov’t takeover of a number of funeral homes and coffin makers)…
I’m still waiting for them to start classifying election results. We can’t let the enemy think we’re weak by not electing Republicans.
_Information about marketing of French wine redacted for security reasons_
Is that bottle sold wrapped in a white flag? Yeah, I thought so.
No, that wouldn’t work — someone would spill it to the New York Times. The only way to keep from emboldening the enemy is to just not have an election. Otherwise, if the Dems are elected, it sends a message to the terrorists that the president does not have the support of the American people, and it tells them that America is not going to be resolute in the War on Terror. So all those terrorists have to do is blow up a few more cars and the Dems will haul our troops home like a bunch of three-year-olds. So the first step is to put off having an election until we win the War on Terror.
Of course, we’re going to need the media’s help on this. We would hope that, as Americans, they would want to support our troops and make sure that they succeed. And the media can be a big help to us in this — if they can focus on the positive stories about how well we’re doing in Iraq, and how the American people are 100% behind the president, then that will definitely dishearten the enemy.
And last of all, we can’t take the risk of having important information fall into the wrong hands. The internet can be a very dangerous tool — we saw how fast all of those lies about the NSA program spread! People were actually angry about the government tapping the terrorists’ phones! Until this war is over, we can’t be too careful — we need the full patriotic cooperation of the telecommunications companies, so that in the U.S., everybody can read what’s on the internet, but the only people who can actually post information ON the internet are those who have been pre-cleared by the Pentagon, so that we know that they are not security risks and only have our country’s best interests in mind. We don’t want to take the risk of our young people being corrupted by terrorist recruiters or anti-American rhetoric from other countries, so if we can find a way to block any non-U.S. domains, that will definitely help matters.
If we can succeed in doing all of that, we will definitely be triumphant over those evil extremists who want to curtail our freedoms and destroy our way of life!
Dissent Redacted for National Security Reasons. Remember, Friend Computer is Watching.
The Computer is your friend, troubleshooter. What are you, some kind of commie-mutant-traitor?
A comie-mutant-traitor? Please execute yourself, citizen.
Hmm. Computer, chopper seems to have access to information concerning commie-mutant-traitors which is not accessible at his current classification level. Is this reason for alarm? I assume you’re allowing him to continue operating in the hopes of revealing more members of a cell; at this point, though, do you think he retains any value in that role?
Don’t forget to have all those commie-traitor-bastards down at DKos dragged out and shot. If they’ve got aliases, they need to be shot twice.
my clearance is violet. what is yours, citizen? hold on, first let me get the IntSec ready on speed dial…
My clearance is magenta. Please prep your standby clone for activation now.
… Perrywinkle Blue?
Oh god damnit.
Citizen, I doubt your veracity. The Computer suggests that you utility is limited at this time, and feels that the City would be better served by redistributing your organic components. [Pulls experimental “chopper chopper tool” from tool scrip, and activates, as ordered.]
(For those of you following along at home, we’re emulating a session of _Paranoia_, a role playing game in which the world is dominated by a crazy computer that attempts to rule by fear, deceit, and propaganda. THink of the Bush administration, except actually *funny*.)
Citizen, item “Chopper Chopper tool” is above your security clearance. Please report for termination and recycling. All Hail Friend Computer.
Friend, knowledge of my security clearance is above your security clearance. Your atoms are needed elsewhere.
C’mon, TP, you can do better than *that*. Surely the Computer gave you “something special” to handle situations like this. (Although I am surprised that the chopper chopper did not dismember me when activated. I certainly would have had it do so when I GM’ed.)
Citizen, knowledge of the security clearance needed to know of your security clearance is restricted to Friend Computer.
Disintegration will commence shortly.
TP, I salute you. You have a bright future among the ranks of President Bush…err, I mean, The Computer’s…legions.
*-Steps aside to allow Friend Computer’s Beam Cannon a clear line of fire-*
Friend Computer does not make mistakes.
Indeed. Friend computer is infallible, and has Our Best Interests at heart. I wonder who sabotaged the beam cannon, TP — surely it could not have been one of your clones?
Citizen, only commie-mutie-pinkos with prior knowledge of their sabotage to Friend Computer would ask such a thing.
Watches Item “chopper chopper” start to smoke and sizzle and decides to duck.
*Looks with horror at object in hand smoking and sizzling, and attempts to throw it at TenguPhule*
[demi’s clone enters]
Citizen TP, the computer is pleased that you successfully terminated demi for his traitorous activities. Friend Computer has determined that you are a commie-mutant-pinko-traitor on the basis of believing that a device the Computer distributed to the commie-mutant-pinko-traitor demi would harm you.
Please report immediately for termination. *Watches as Friend Computer reduces TP to a satisfyingly small, but efficiently smoldering pile of ash.*
Oh my god, you guys are such geeks. :)
i hear a vulture squad craft coming this way…
Take her GPS away until she apologizes.