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You are here: Home / Popular Culture / Just Acting Out

Just Acting Out

by John Cole|  February 6, 200710:19 am| 109 Comments

This post is in: Popular Culture

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Ted Haggard update:

The Rev. Ted Haggard emerged from three weeks of intensive counseling convinced he is “completely heterosexual” and told an oversight board that his sexual contact with men was limited to his accuser.

That is according to one of the disgraced pastor’s overseers, who on Monday revealed new details about where Haggard has been and where he is headed.

The Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur also said the four-man oversight board strongly urged Haggard to go into secular work instead of Christian ministry if Haggard and his wife follow through on plans to earn master’s degrees in psychology.

***

Haggard, 50, resigned as president of the National Association of Evangelicals and was fired from the church he built from nothing into a 14,000-member congregation after a former male prostitute in Denver alleged a three-year cash-for-sex relationship.

Haggard admitted to “sexual immorality” and a long battle against feelings contrary to his beliefs. He admitted buying methamphetamine but said he never used it. Haggard did not respond to interview requests.

Among other things, the overseers urged Haggard to enter a 12-step program for sexual addiction, Ware said.

Ralph said three weeks of counseling at an undisclosed Arizona treatment center helped Haggard immensely and left Haggard sure of one thing.

“He is completely heterosexual,” Ralph said. “That is something he discovered. It was the acting- out situations where things took place. It wasn’t a constant thing.”

Why Haggard chose to act out in that manner is something Haggard and his advisers are trying to discern, Ralph said.

Advisors, off the record, stated that Haggard is so heterosexual he even cringed while watching the Superbowl Snickers commercial. Since they need help trying to figure out why he was just “acting out,” I have two possibilities:

1.) Satan made him do it.
2.) HE IS GAY.

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109Comments

  1. 1.

    Pb

    February 6, 2007 at 10:26 am

    The Rev. Ted Haggard emerged from three weeks of intensive counseling convinced he is “completely heterosexual” and told an oversight board that his sexual contact with men was limited to his accuser.

    “I’m not gay, I just have sex with guys sometimes. Well, one guy (that you can prove). And that’s it!”

    He admitted buying methamphetamine but said he never used it.

    “P.S.: I didn’t inhale!”

  2. 2.

    Zifnab

    February 6, 2007 at 10:36 am

    I say we parade the Village People out in front of him, doing the YMCA. If he pops a boner, we toss him back in the Jesus House for another month and we’ll try it again until he’s fully detoxed.

    Also, perhaps we could cover him in bleach to burn away his sins. I hear that always works.

  3. 3.

    neil

    February 6, 2007 at 10:38 am

    Haggard will never s*** c*** again!

  4. 4.

    Faux News

    February 6, 2007 at 10:45 am

    Damn you John! I got this far in the posting:

    The Rev. Ted Haggard emerged from three weeks of intensive counseling convinced he is “completely heterosexual”

    and literally spit up my coffee on my keyboard (due to laughing). I really should know not to drink coffee/water and read BJ at the same time.

    As for Rev. Crystal Meth Gay Sex Haggard, well all I can say is “Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt”.

  5. 5.

    Jake

    February 6, 2007 at 10:47 am

    Please, sHaggy has a fetish and that fetish is being Super Jesus Church Man while bonking guys. However, a 12-step program would be a great way to cure the radical christianist cooties.

  6. 6.

    Faux News

    February 6, 2007 at 10:53 am

    If only the good Rev. Haggard was given the drug Gleemonex there would have been a much different press conference:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1OjTF3Ut9FI

  7. 7.

    ThymeZone

    February 6, 2007 at 10:59 am

    Laughed out loud.

    2.) HE IS GAY.

    Priceless.

  8. 8.

    chopper

    February 6, 2007 at 11:03 am

    I say we parade the Village People out in front of him, doing the YMCA. If he pops a boner, we toss him back in the Jesus House for another month and we’ll try it again until he’s fully detoxed.

    dude, aren’t the village people like 65 by now? eew.

  9. 9.

    rachel

    February 6, 2007 at 11:03 am

    If a 100% straight man were “acting out,” wouldn’t he go to a female prostitute? I’m just askin’.

  10. 10.

    Pixie

    February 6, 2007 at 11:07 am

    omg what a f’ing MORON. Why is it that only sexually repressed bible thumpers feel the need to act out with Meth abuse and anal sex? The man is queerer than a 3 dollar bill.

  11. 11.

    Ryan S.

    February 6, 2007 at 11:07 am

    if Haggard and his wife follow through on plans to earn master’s degrees in psychology.

    Hmm, I can’t even imagine what messed up shrinks they’d make. “Your not gay, your just acting out.”

  12. 12.

    Bubblegum Tate

    February 6, 2007 at 11:09 am

    1.) Satan made him do it.
    2.) HE IS GAY.

    3. Satan made him gay. So all he has to do is reject Satan–demon begone!–and he can then choose not to be gay. It’s just that simple (emphasis/pun on “simple”).

  13. 13.

    Punchy

    February 6, 2007 at 11:10 am

    When Haggard pitches the Timberlake poster thumbtacked to the ceiling of his bedroom, sells all his Clay Aiken CDs, and cancells his cable subscription to TLC, THEN I’ll be convinced he no longer craves the warm embrace of some man’s crotch cannon.

    Until then, he’s just a man with a need for weed and manseed.

  14. 14.

    Nikki

    February 6, 2007 at 11:17 am

    omg what a f’ing MORON. Why is it that only sexually repressed bible thumpers feel the need to act out with Meth abuse and anal sex? The man is queerer than a 3 dollar bill.

    No, no, no. It’s the anal sex WITH GUYS that makes him gay.

  15. 15.

    Alex

    February 6, 2007 at 11:21 am

    Haggard is just suffering through a simple midlife crisis. Many noted male authors (Ernest Hemingway, Norman Maclean, Howell Raines) have suggested fly fishing as the perfect contemplative activity to chase those midlife blues away. Reverend Ted just put his own spin on the phrase “fly fishing”.

  16. 16.

    scarshapedstar

    February 6, 2007 at 11:21 am

    It’s a fabulous life!

    -Ted Haggard, Jesus Camp

  17. 17.

    RandyH

    February 6, 2007 at 11:26 am

    “He is completely heterosexual”

    Uh huh. And he’s gonna study to be a shrink. Just imagine being a patient of this “psychologist” who can’t even acknowledge he is heterosexual GAY!

  18. 18.

    Zifnab

    February 6, 2007 at 11:28 am

    No, no, no. It’s the anal sex WITH GUYS that makes him gay.

    Remember, you’re not gay if you’re pitching.
    Ted’s spent the last three weeks learning to change positions.

    The Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur also said the four-man oversight board strongly urged Haggard to go into secular work instead of Christian ministry

    That’s probably my favorite quote, though. Shorter Rev Ralph: “Ok, you’re fixed. Now please go away and never come back.”

  19. 19.

    Punchy

    February 6, 2007 at 11:31 am

    OT ALERT!!

    Since we’re talking about some freaky weird sheeot in this thread, what about that astronaut–married–driving to confront another woman who was…uh…cheating…with the guy…uh…she was currently cheating with?

    Here’s the money shot:

    Nowak raced from Houston to Orlando wearing diapers in the car so she wouldn’t have to stop to go to the bathroom, authorities said. Astronauts wear diapers during launch and re-entry.

    Dressed in a wig and a trench coat, she waited for Shipman’s plane to land and then boarded the same airport shuttle bus Shipman took to get to her car, police said.

    Let me summarize–if EVER a woman approaches you wearing (after 900 miles, what must be soiled) diapers, a wig, and a trenchcoat–in Orlando, temp ~75F–dont ask any questions, just run.

    NOTHING good ever comes from a diaper clad, overheated beeyotch with fake hair and knowledge of how to fly a shuttle.

  20. 20.

    tBone

    February 6, 2007 at 11:33 am

    Get off Haggard’s back. He was doing the Lord’s work, cleaning up our streets by buying meth and throwing it away. What’s the Democrat plan for eliminating meth?

    I’m sure he had a similar rationale for buying a male prostitute. He was keeping that man-whore off the streets, away from good, 100% heterosexual Christian men who might be compelled by Satan to act out. He engaged in hot, sweaty acts of depravity out of a sense of personal sacrifice, and now you moonbats want to crucify him for it. Typical of the “tolerant” Left.

  21. 21.

    tBone

    February 6, 2007 at 11:36 am

    NOTHING good ever comes from a diaper clad, overheated beeyotch with fake hair and knowledge of how to fly a shuttle.

    Oddly enough, that’s been my personal mantra for years.

  22. 22.

    Joel

    February 6, 2007 at 11:37 am

    Tim F. wrote: “HE IS GAY.”

    Not necessarily. The Kinsey Institute (which still exists, housed at Indiana University) says that the labels “gay” and “straight” don’t apply to most of the population. They posit a numerical scale in which 0 is completely heterosexual and 7 is completely homosexual, and most people fall somewhere in between.

    This makes sense to me. I have known lesbians who “like a man once in a while,” and Haggard is not the first married man with kids to have a gay affair. The likeliest explanation here is that he is neither a 0 nor a 7. (Not that he will admit this, of course.)

    Joel

  23. 23.

    Zifnab

    February 6, 2007 at 11:39 am

    Let me summarize—if EVER a woman approaches you wearing (after 900 miles, what must be soiled) diapers, a wig, and a trenchcoat—in Orlando, temp ~75F—dont ask any questions, just run.

    What was more disturbing still was the stuff found in her car.

    Nowak was arrested after the first police officer to arrive saw her attempting to throw a bag containing a wig and a BB pistol into the trash at a parking shuttle bus stop. The Orlando police said Nowak had disguised herself during the assault by wearing a hooded tan trench coat and black wig and, along with the BB gun, was carrying a four-inch folding buck knife, a new steel mallet, black gloves, rubber tubing, plastic garbage bags and about US$600 in cash.

    I mean, holy crap. Sounds like she was going to go Gitmo-style on Colleen Shipman. Moral of the story? Do not piss off chicks in uniform.

  24. 24.

    Steve

    February 6, 2007 at 11:40 am

    Life isn’t fair. You can have a hundred girlfriends, but you suck ONE COCK, and you’re a cocksucker for life! Or so I’ve heard.

  25. 25.

    Face

    February 6, 2007 at 11:42 am

    He engaged in hot, sweaty acts of depravity out of a sense of personal sacrifice, and now you moonbats want to crucify him for it. Typical of the “tolerant” Left

    Strangely ironic cumming from a man named “tBone”…

  26. 26.

    fwiffo

    February 6, 2007 at 11:43 am

    I think the most plausible explanation is that he’s gay. But it could also be one of those weird power-trip things. “Look how big and powerful and important I am, look what I can get away with. If they only knew!” In other words, he got off on getting away with bad behavior. You see the same sort of mentality sometimes in adulterers. They might not even care that much about or are overly turned on by the person they’re having an affair with, and they might not even be that dissatisfied with their spouse, but they get off on the thrill of the forbidden fruit. Combine that with your other usual manic behaviors – drug and alcohol abuse, risky behavior, etc. and you’ve got a pretty common formula.

    I really feel bad for his kids. I mean, it must have been bad enough having this creep for a Dad, even before the full creepiness of his creepdom was exposed.

  27. 27.

    Pb

    February 6, 2007 at 11:44 am

    Tim F. wrote: “HE IS GAY.”

    No, he didn’t. Learn to read (the byline), sheesh.

  28. 28.

    Decided FenceSitter

    February 6, 2007 at 11:44 am

    O’Reilly was sitting in a bar and he goes to the bartender
    “You see that church over there? I built it with my bare hands but do they call me O’Reilly the church builder? Nooo!
    You see that school over there? I taught there for 30 years but do they call me O’Reilly the educator? Nooo!
    But you fuck one goat….”

  29. 29.

    tBone

    February 6, 2007 at 11:49 am

    Strangely ironic cumming from a man named “tBone”…

    Just what are you implying, moonbat? Sure, I’ve thrown away meth with a male prostitute. Who hasn’t? Anyway, it was in college and I was drunk.

  30. 30.

    Zifnab

    February 6, 2007 at 11:54 am

    I really feel bad for his kids. I mean, it must have been bad enough having this creep for a Dad, even before the full creepiness of his creepdom was exposed.

    You say that now. But twenty years from no one of them is going to be a Senator up to his neck in illegal contributions and stole taxpayer dollars writing legislation that has gay men burned at the stake for heresy while getting a blow-job under his $100,000 mink-skin desk by three high-paid lobbiests.

    Show me a family member that gave two shits about the damage their church causes, and maybe I’ll feel bad. Otherwise, you’d have as much luck convincing me to feel bad for Ken Lay’s grandkids.

  31. 31.

    dreggas

    February 6, 2007 at 11:55 am

    The headline should read “Haggard completely Heterosexual…accept when he isn’t”.

    So he’d probably a 90/10, 90% str8, 10% gay. Everyone save for the biggest of bigots falls somewhere in the scale, hell I’m between an 80/20 and 90/10. I’m completely comfortable with it and happily married. The only difference here is he hasn’t accepted it yet. I wonder if his “counseling” involved being cornholed by the others while they screamed “The power of christ compels you!” After all if you pitch your not gay or something.

    I find it incredibly disturbing that he plans to go to get a masters degree in psychology though. I mean that’s like the blind leading the blind.

    that being said it was just a case of supertelevangelisticsexanddrugpsychosis.

  32. 32.

    AkaDad

    February 6, 2007 at 11:57 am

    I hope Ted “crystal methodist” Haggard has a strong support group to keep him away from all soy products. This is a critical time in the reformation process where a relapse is quite probable.

  33. 33.

    The Other Steve

    February 6, 2007 at 12:02 pm

    Not necessarily. The Kinsey Institute (which still exists, housed at Indiana University) says that the labels “gay” and “straight” don’t apply to most of the population. They posit a numerical scale in which 0 is completely heterosexual and 7 is completely homosexual, and most people fall somewhere in between.

    0 to 7?

    I guess that makes sense. I mean a scale of 0 to 7 only takes up 3 bits in the database. If they tried to go to 10, they would have had to use 4 bits and then that’s somewhat wasteful because you still have the capability for 11 to 15.

    If you’re trying to score the entire planet on the homosexuality scale, you want to make as much efficient use of your data structures as possible.

  34. 34.

    Parker

    February 6, 2007 at 12:03 pm

    Time to go back to the old ways, and beat him until the demons are driven from him.

    Lather, rinse, repeat…

  35. 35.

    Punchy

    February 6, 2007 at 12:04 pm

    Anyway, it was in college and I was drunk

    Too many wine coolers after art history class, eh?

  36. 36.

    Parker

    February 6, 2007 at 12:05 pm

    The Other Steve –

    If you can score the entire planet, I think that inherently puts you at a ‘3’ on the scale.

    Is that an ironic number, or is it just me?

  37. 37.

    Tim F.

    February 6, 2007 at 12:07 pm

    I think the crystal meth, gay hooker weirdness is just a product of his repressed psychology. It works like drinking in college – the people who grew up around it treat it like a sensible part of life, so they drink sensibly. Mostly. The people who were taught any drinking was crazy and out of bounds have no realistic sense of what is really crazy and out of bounds, so they end up in the hospital.

    For Haggard even casual gay affection was evil and awful and crazy so he probably didn’t even notice when he crossed from gay touching into crystal meth crazyville.

  38. 38.

    Andrew

    February 6, 2007 at 12:16 pm

    I think the crystal meth, gay hooker weirdness is just a product of his repressed psychology.

    Or his gayness and drug addiction.

  39. 39.

    Punchy

    February 6, 2007 at 12:21 pm

    For Haggard even casual gay affection was evil and awful and crazy so he probably didn’t even notice when he crossed from gay touching into crystal meth crazyville.

    I call shenanigans on this, Timothy. Didn’t even notice when he went from stuffing his top hole full of Filet Man-On to filling it with meth?

    Went from smoking poles to smoking pipes?

    Went from a man’s crack to Poor Man’s Crack?

    I could go on forever, but I’ll let Tim respond. Sorry, but this kinda stuff cant just go “unnoticed” to one’s self.

  40. 40.

    Pb

    February 6, 2007 at 12:31 pm

    The Other Steve,

    0 to 7?
    I guess that makes sense.

    Yeah, that doesn’t sound too unusual, except that there’s no middle (50%) option–I guess they wanted to divide the middle into gay vs. straight leaners.

    If they tried to go to 10, they would have had to use 4 bits and then that’s somewhat wasteful because you still have the capability for 11 to 15.

    Not really–in fact, I just wrote some code to account for this recently. You should still be able to pack whatever range into a larger one fairly efficiently and easily using div and mod, etc. For example, storing 10,000 values from 0-10 in my system would only take up 4456 bytes. That’s not quite as good as the theoretical maximum of 4325 bytes, (ceil(10000*ln(11)/ln(2)/8)) but it’s better than the 5,000 bytes that would result from just using 4 bits.

  41. 41.

    Tim F.

    February 6, 2007 at 12:33 pm

    I call shenanigans on this, Timothy. Didn’t even notice when he went from stuffing his top hole full of Filet Man-On to filling it with meth?

    In fact, yes. In a world where gay touching is a forbidden, tragic act the next step isn’t a very big one. Unlike Haggard you live in a world where gay touching is a pretty normal part of life (if not for you then for people you know) so picking up meth would mean that you or a friend would cross from normal to seriously whacked. Just by touching a man Haggard already crossed into OMFG YOU’RE GOING TO TEH HELL whackville, so the next “step” isn’t a very big one.

  42. 42.

    Tim F.

    February 6, 2007 at 12:34 pm

    oops, repeated myself. oh well.

  43. 43.

    dreggas

    February 6, 2007 at 12:38 pm

    In fact, yes. In a world where gay touching is a forbidden, tragic act the next step isn’t a very big one. Unlike Haggard you live in a world where gay touching is a pretty normal part of life (if not for you then for people you know) so picking up meth would mean that you or a friend would cross from normal to seriously whacked. Just by touching a man Haggard already crossed into OMFG YOU’RE GOING TO TEH HELL whackville, so the next “step” isn’t a very big one

    So penis/man-juice is a gateway drug then?

    I actually bet he used the meth along with the prostitute, after all meth seems to give people the jitters probably made things vibrate real good.

  44. 44.

    Tsulagi

    February 6, 2007 at 12:59 pm

    Gay to straight in just three weeks. Shows good Christian hands can perform any job. It’s a mirakul! Get your Dobson issued kneepads on and Praayze Jeezzuss!

    For only $999 in three easy payments you too can be straight in time for next year’s Super Bowl.

  45. 45.

    Face

    February 6, 2007 at 1:01 pm

    Anyone else find it amusing that a guy strung-out on hookers and drugs is named Haggard?

  46. 46.

    Tim F.

    February 6, 2007 at 1:05 pm

    So penis/man-juice is a gateway drug then?

    You’re. missing. the. point.

    Look, if you robbed a bank would you feel very guilty about running a red light? The degree to which you feel that you have already transgressed has an impact on how grave the next transgression feels. You’re acting like there is no difference in perspective when that is 100% my point.

  47. 47.

    Zifnab

    February 6, 2007 at 1:10 pm

    Look, if you robbed a bank would you feel very guilty about running a red light? The degree to which you feel that you have already transgressed has an impact on how grave the next transgression feels. You’re acting like there is no difference in perspective when that is 100% my point.

    I mean, I guess. I just don’t see how having sex with men segways into meth use, any more than bank robbery segways into running a red light. If I run a red light, the first thing on my mind isn’t “better do something else illegal, quick!”

  48. 48.

    dreggas

    February 6, 2007 at 1:10 pm

    Tim F. Says:

    So penis/man-juice is a gateway drug then?

    You’re. missing. the. point.

    Look, if you robbed a bank would you feel very guilty about running a red light? The degree to which you feel that you have already transgressed has an impact on how grave the next transgression feels. You’re acting like there is no difference in perspective when that is 100% my point.

    Tim, I was being snarky, I know what you are saying.

    That being said I guess I should write ol’ Teddy boy so I can find out how to NOT miss the point.

  49. 49.

    tBone

    February 6, 2007 at 1:14 pm

    I just don’t see how having sex with men segways into meth use

    You’ve got it backwards. Doing meth while riding a Segway can lead to man-on-man sex. We’re still investigating the correlative factors.

  50. 50.

    dreggas

    February 6, 2007 at 1:15 pm

    tBone Says:

    You’ve got it backwards. Doing meth while riding a Segway can lead to man-on-man sex. We’re still investigating the correlative factors.

    Now the real trick is doing meth while having man-on-man sex while riding on a segue. That would be one for the circus.

  51. 51.

    Zifnab

    February 6, 2007 at 1:15 pm

    That’s unfair. Doing anything on a Segway can lead to man-on-man sex. Why do you think GW had to fling himself off?

  52. 52.

    dreggas

    February 6, 2007 at 1:19 pm

    Zifnab Says:

    That’s unfair. Doing anything on a Segway can lead to man-on-man sex. Why do you think GW had to fling himself off?

    He started feeling kinda funny like when he climbed the rope in gym class and images of snarling dick filled his head.

  53. 53.

    Jake

    February 6, 2007 at 1:22 pm

    Anyone else find it amusing that a guy strung-out on hookers and drugs is named Haggard?

    Yup. So does the fact that he appeared in a movie called Jesus Camp. And after the South Park Episode, this picture cracks me up.

    One might say sHaggard is fundamentally hilarious.

  54. 54.

    Krista

    February 6, 2007 at 1:29 pm

    Kinsey actually goes from 0 to 6.

    Rating Description
    0 Exclusively heterosexual
    1 Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
    2 Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
    3 Equally heterosexual and homosexual
    4 Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
    5 Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
    6 Exclusively homosexual

    So, for Haggard to say that he is “completely heterosexual” is still really a fib, as he HAS been incidentally homosexual. At the very least, he’s a 1, not a 0.

  55. 55.

    tBone

    February 6, 2007 at 1:49 pm

    So you’re saying Tier 7 is reserved for Segway riders?

  56. 56.

    Krista

    February 6, 2007 at 2:05 pm

    Something like that. :)

    So, John’s two possibilities, being either that Satan made him do it, or that Haggard is gay, might both be wrong. Haggard might not be any more gay than anybody who has experimented sexually with someone of their own gender. Haggard’s experiment was just a bit more…sensational, due to his religious leanings and because of the drug angle.

  57. 57.

    Punchy

    February 6, 2007 at 2:09 pm

    Semen. Satan’s mouthwash.

  58. 58.

    Andrew

    February 6, 2007 at 2:13 pm

    Maybe it’s like time division multiplexing:
    He’s 100% gay only during those times that he is fist deep in another man’s rectum. Other times, such as when he’s pretending to be attracted to his wife, he is 0% gay.

  59. 59.

    Pb

    February 6, 2007 at 2:13 pm

    Kinsey actually goes from 0 to 6.

    That makes a bit more sense–in my experience, there’s usually a middle option. And besides, that leaves an extra value left over in case of non-responders!

  60. 60.

    Face

    February 6, 2007 at 2:22 pm

    Kinsey actually goes from 0 to 6.

    I suppose that’s the origin of that phrase, “Lose that zero and get yerself a hero!”…

  61. 61.

    Joel

    February 6, 2007 at 2:23 pm

    Thanks, Krista. I thought I remembered a 7, but I didn’t bother to double-check before posting.

  62. 62.

    Krista

    February 6, 2007 at 2:31 pm

    Punchy: Let’s be a little more grotesque, shall we?

    Joel: I’ve forgotten most of what I learned in university, but “HPRO 4412.03: Human Sexuality” stuck with me for some reason.

  63. 63.

    The Other Steve

    February 6, 2007 at 2:47 pm

    Look, if you robbed a bank would you feel very guilty about running a red light? The degree to which you feel that you have already transgressed has an impact on how grave the next transgression feels. You’re acting like there is no difference in perspective when that is 100% my point.

    And that my friends is how criminals get caught.

    Remember kids, when you kill 3 people in a foreign country and try to hide out in the United States… always wear your seatbelt!

  64. 64.

    The Other Steve

    February 6, 2007 at 2:49 pm

    Not really—in fact, I just wrote some code to account for this recently. You should still be able to pack whatever range into a larger one fairly efficiently and easily using div and mod, etc. For example, storing 10,000 values from 0-10 in my system would only take up 4456 bytes. That’s not quite as good as the theoretical maximum of 4325 bytes, (ceil(10000*ln(11)/ln(2)/8)) but it’s better than the 5,000 bytes that would result from just using 4 bits.

    This is the kind of thing people who use Linux do in their spare time.

    The rest of us realize we can buy harddrives for 25 cents a gigabyte. :-)

  65. 65.

    Zifnab

    February 6, 2007 at 2:50 pm

    Punchy: Let’s be a little more grotesque, shall we?

    How about, “0 just leaves a hole to be filled”?

  66. 66.

    sidereal

    February 6, 2007 at 2:51 pm

    Tim F is completely right. Once you’ve binarized the entire sexual universe into ‘good stuff’ and ‘bad stuff’, then all bad stuff is morally equivalent, and having a jolly roger with a spa buddy is morally equivalent to going on an unprotected meth-and-leather bender, because they’re both MAXIMALLY EVIL.

    This somewhat relates to another massive flaw of Christian Moralism. If you really believe that the only thing keeping people from eating their own children and having sex with cattle is the disapproving eye of God, then you really think that the consequence of unbelief, either on your part or another’s, is total beefsex anarchy, which reveals how deeply perverted and Bennett-ian many of the supposed moralists are.

    I can’t count the number of arguments I’ve had that have gone like:

    Me: I don’t believe in God.
    Moralist: But without God, there’s nothing to stop you from killing cats and having sex with their corpses!
    Me: Get help.

  67. 67.

    Face

    February 6, 2007 at 3:03 pm

    Punchy: Let’s be a little more grotesque, shall we?

    The truth can be ugly sometimes…

  68. 68.

    Bubblegum Tate

    February 6, 2007 at 3:03 pm

    I too have had that conversation more times than I can count, sidereal. It gets to be absolutely absurd very quickly. Seriously, if the only thing keeping you from going completely apeshit is fear that The Man Upstairs might send you to The Man Downstairs, then your vaunted “morality” is almost comically rickety.

  69. 69.

    Krista

    February 6, 2007 at 3:03 pm

    sidereal: I know. And it pisses me off to no end that people think that morality is inextricably linked with religion. Even people who should know better, still say things like, “So-and-so, for being an atheist, still has really strong morals and values!” What kind of screwed-up view do people have of their fellow human beings, when they think that you can only know the difference between right and wrong if you have blind faith in some invisible deity?

  70. 70.

    Jake

    February 6, 2007 at 3:17 pm

    In other words, if it is ever absolutely proven that Hell does not exist we need to lock up the cats and cows to protect them from the hordes of that will be out to frag one and fuck the other.

    Another thing to consider when dealing with certain flavours of fundies: They think they are forgiven for all of their sins (or they cannot sin because they are forgiven). Ergo, nothing they do is bad.

    Maybe we ought to secure our domesticated animals now.

  71. 71.

    tBone

    February 6, 2007 at 3:21 pm

    meth-and-leather bender
    total beefsex anarchy

    Maybe it’s just me, but I totally want someone to use these as album titles.

  72. 72.

    Zifnab

    February 6, 2007 at 3:42 pm

    Me: I don’t believe in God.
    Moralist: But without God, there’s nothing to stop you from killing cats and having sex with their corpses!
    Me: Get help.

    Another thing to consider when dealing with certain flavours of fundies: They think they are forgiven for all of their sins (or they cannot sin because they are forgiven). Ergo, nothing they do is bad.

    That’s the beautiful thing about everyone from Ted Haggard to Macaca Allen to Mark Foley. They can sin, be forgiven, and get away scott free in a “Christian” society. Only the secular society can out them for the freaks they really are. In a truly Christian nation, they could jam deers heads in mailboxes and dick heads in pages till they died of auto-erotic asphixiation. And who cares? Cause God is on their side. A few Hail Marys, a blessing from your local Patriarch, and you’re back in the game.

    But only the completely devout, the utterly faithful, the blissfully consumed by God’s light actually by this bullshit.

    *sigh* I’m beginning to think more and more Dawkins might be on to something with his whole “Religion is the Root of All Evil” thing.

  73. 73.

    Andrew

    February 6, 2007 at 3:53 pm

    And it pisses me off to no end that people think that morality is inextricably linked with religion. Even people who should know better, still say things like, “So-and-so, for being an atheist, still has really strong morals and values!” What kind of screwed-up view do people have of their fellow human beings, when they think that you can only know the difference between right and wrong if you have blind faith in some invisible deity?

    Well, to be fair, it does seem a lot harder to have morals when you’re going to burn in hell.

  74. 74.

    Jake

    February 6, 2007 at 3:58 pm

    But only the completely devout scary, the utterly faithful sociopathic, the blissfully consumed by God’s light vile actually by push this bullshit.

    Fixed

    And the act of confession was one of the things that has always made the R.C. rather strange to me. Fine, if you have to tell someone you boned the neighbor’s dog in order to stop, go ahead.

    But what happens if you screw fido again? More Hail Marys, oo er. By the time you get to the point where dog sex is OK, having to tell a man behind a screen about it does not seem like an adequate deterrent. I assume all of the priests who molested children went to confession and how did that work out? Now, if the priest could shout “Get OUT you sick fuck!” wallop you with the communion wafer tray and call two burly nuns to flog you out of the church it might mean something…

    Especially to people who like that sort of thing.

  75. 75.

    Jonathan

    February 6, 2007 at 5:09 pm

    Crank isn’t as addictive as many would think. I doubt father Ted was mainlining or smoking the speed but rather snorting it, so what we are really dealing with here is crank.

    http://www.druglibrary.org/schaffer/MISC/addictiv.htm

    Relative Addictiveness of Various Substances

    In Health, Nov/Dec 1990

    100 Nicotine
    99 Ice, Glass (Methamphetamine smoked)
    98 Crack
    93 Crystal Meth (Methamphetamine injected)
    85 Valium (Diazepam)
    83 Quaalude (Methaqualone)
    82 Seconal (Secobarbital)
    81 Alcohol
    80 Heroin
    78 Crank (Amphetamine taken nasally)
    72 Cocaine
    68 Caffeine
    57 PCP (Phencyclidine)
    21 Marijuana
    20 Ecstasy (MDMA)
    18 Psilocybin Mushrooms
    18 LS
    18 Mescaline

    Research by John Hastings
    Relative rankings are definite, numbers given are (+/-)1%

  76. 76.

    Tulkinghorn

    February 6, 2007 at 5:51 pm

    This makes sense to me. I have known lesbians who “like a man once in a while,” and Haggard is not the first married man with kids to have a gay affair. The likeliest explanation here is that he is neither a 0 nor a 7. (Not that he will admit this, of course.)

    Evangelicals not only reject this, but reject any sort of scale. They live in a binary universe — there is sin, and not sin. The only hope for Haggard is to get right with his god and hope he gets hit by a bus before human nature reasserts itself. What an ugly hell he has built for himself.

  77. 77.

    J Bean

    February 6, 2007 at 6:22 pm

    In Alexandra Pelosi’s documentary “Friends of God” (running on HBO right now) there is a scene where the fabulously Reverend Ted Haggard is talking about what a great sex life evangelicals have with their wives. He has a couple of the members of his flock — looking ever so uncomfortable — verify his claim. Pretty funny scene.

  78. 78.

    Krista

    February 6, 2007 at 6:38 pm

    100 Nicotine
    99 Ice, Glass (Methamphetamine smoked)
    98 Crack
    93 Crystal Meth (Methamphetamine injected)
    85 Valium (Diazepam)
    83 Quaalude (Methaqualone)
    82 Seconal (Secobarbital)
    81 Alcohol
    80 Heroin
    78 Crank (Amphetamine taken nasally)
    72 Cocaine

    Jaysus…no wonder it was so hard to quit smoking! That’s pretty scary.

  79. 79.

    ThymeZone

    February 6, 2007 at 6:42 pm

    Shorter Jonny Goebbels: I googled a bunch of drug stuff and I am trying to get back on everyone’s good side by looking smart.

  80. 80.

    Zifnab

    February 6, 2007 at 6:48 pm

    But what happens if you screw fido again? More Hail Marys, oo er. By the time you get to the point where dog sex is OK, having to tell a man behind a screen about it does not seem like an adequate deterrent.

    It’s kinda like the 12 step program. The first step is admitting you have a problem. Traditionally, penance could get pretty steep. Walking in to a confessional after you kill a man doesn’t get you three Our Father’s and your all good again. A good priest will demand you right the wrong and then some before you can expect forgiveness.

    But confession is about taking the initative in getting your life back in order. You need to want to get better. Talking about it is a Freudian tool to address your problems. The confession box is not the Catholic equivalent of calling “Base! No Sinsies!” If people treat it as such, then A) the Catholic church has been lax in its teachings or B) you probably didn’t want to get better to begin with.

  81. 81.

    Jonathan

    February 6, 2007 at 6:50 pm

    Krista,

    Yep, the things they *don’t* tell you in the DARE class, eh?

    It’s also interesting that alcohol is about as addictive as heroin and cocaine is just slightly more addictive than caffeine. Something else they don’t tell you in the DARE class.

  82. 82.

    Jake

    February 6, 2007 at 6:51 pm

    They live in a binary universe—there is sin, and not sin.

    Or: Us, Not Us.

    Everything “us” does is ok (until us gets caught). Everything “not us” does will earn you a spot on Satan’s pitchfork.

    Reverend Ted Haggard is talking about what a great sex life evangelicals have with their wives.

    Was he talking about the great sex life he has with other evan. wives? Or was it: “Hoo doggies, I sure like me some hot man/woman sex”?

    Because nothing will fuse the gaydar like a guy nattering on about how much he loves pvss.

  83. 83.

    ThymeZone

    February 6, 2007 at 7:09 pm

    It’s also interesting that alcohol is about as addictive

    Let me guess … you were a drug counselor and brain surgeon, right?

  84. 84.

    Jonathan

    February 6, 2007 at 7:15 pm

    Let me guess … you were a drug counselor and brain surgeon, right?

    I love you too, TZ.

  85. 85.

    Jake

    February 6, 2007 at 7:17 pm

    Talking about it is a Freudian tool to address your problems. The confession box is not the Catholic equivalent of calling “Base! No Sinsies!” If people treat it as such, then A) the Catholic church has been lax in its teachings or B) you probably didn’t want to get better to begin with.

    Or, more likely, they weren’t paying attention during CCD classes. Also, you said tool.

  86. 86.

    ThymeZone

    February 6, 2007 at 7:17 pm

    I love you too, TZ.

    You wish.

  87. 87.

    Krista

    February 6, 2007 at 7:24 pm

    I love you too, TZ.

    You wish.

    There, now we’re all getting along nicely!

    And as for DARE…we didn’t have that at my school, actually. But, the bugger of it is, while I was still a smoker, you could have given me those stats, and I wouldn’t have given a sweet damn.

  88. 88.

    Tim in SF

    February 6, 2007 at 8:13 pm

    Joel Says:

    Tim F. wrote: “HE IS GAY.” Not necessarily. The Kinsey Institute (which still exists, housed at Indiana University) says that the labels “gay” and “straight” don’t apply to most of the population. They posit a numerical scale in which 0 is completely heterosexual and 7 is completely homosexual, and most people fall somewhere in between.

    The Kinsey Scale (0 to 6) speaks exclusively of sexual behavior, not of feelings, preferences, a sense of orientation, or anything happening internally. A man can be as gay as a tree full of monkeys on nitrous oxide, but if he only has ever had sex with women, he is a “Kinsey Zero.”

    This makes sense to me. I have known lesbians who “like a man once in a while,”

    What, you mean when they get lost they won’t stop and ask for directions? Or they forget their girlfriend’s birthday?

    Haggard is not the first married man with kids to have a gay affair. The likeliest explanation here is that he is neither a 0 nor a 7.

    He can never be a “Kinsey Zero” because he has had sex with men. He did it and it doesn’t matter if he never does it again. Kinsey Zero means you’ve never had same-sex sexual contact.

  89. 89.

    Krista

    February 6, 2007 at 8:19 pm

    A man can be as gay as a tree full of monkeys on nitrous oxide,

    That’s pretty darned gay…

  90. 90.

    sidereal

    February 6, 2007 at 8:22 pm

    “Kinsey Zero means you’ve never had same-sex sexual contact”

    What about incidentally crossing swords during a 3-way?

  91. 91.

    Tim in SF

    February 6, 2007 at 8:22 pm

    Tsulagi Says: Gay to straight in just three weeks. Shows good Christian hands can perform any job.

    That’s quite a hand job.

  92. 92.

    Jonathan

    February 6, 2007 at 8:43 pm

    But, the bugger of it is, while I was still a smoker, you could have given me those stats, and I wouldn’t have given a sweet damn.

    That’s quite common. A nurse I’m related to has told me of smokers who have had their larynx removed due to cancer holding cigarettes to the hole in their throat in order to smoke. Now that’s addicted.

  93. 93.

    r€nato

    February 6, 2007 at 8:43 pm

    I have two possibilities:

    1.) Satan made him do it.
    2.) HE IS GAY.

    no, no, no… it was Nancy Pelosi and her San Francisco GAY AGENDA!

  94. 94.

    Jonathan

    February 6, 2007 at 8:46 pm

    Gay to straight in just three weeks. Shows good Christian hands can perform any job.

    With Jeebus all things are possible.

  95. 95.

    Krista

    February 6, 2007 at 8:52 pm

    That’s quite common. A nurse I’m related to has told me of smokers who have had their larynx removed due to cancer holding cigarettes to the hole in their throat in order to smoke. Now that’s addicted.

    If I had a hole in my throat, I’d stick a fake eye in it, just to freak people out.

  96. 96.

    BadTux

    February 6, 2007 at 9:03 pm

    Ooh! Yeah! That mighty super-villain, the rainbow-clad GAY AGENDA (and those pink pumps just look MAHvelous, y’know?) zapped the Rev. with the GAY RAY BEAM OF GAYNESS, doncha know? Rev. Ted isn’t gay, that mighty supervillain The Gay Agenda made him do it!

    — Badtux the Comics-reading Penguin

  97. 97.

    jake

    February 6, 2007 at 9:13 pm

    Shows good Christian hands can perform any job.

    [Insert “Laying on of hands,” joke here]

    Ah cast these squiggly microscopic demons OUT of yer bodah!

  98. 98.

    carpeicthus

    February 6, 2007 at 9:22 pm

    Why Do All These Homos Keep Sucking My Cock?

  99. 99.

    Richard 23

    February 6, 2007 at 9:22 pm

    Wow, what a bunch of homophobes. And methophobes. You all should be ashamed of yourselves. I guess this is the so-called ‘tolerance’ of the ‘reality-based’ community.

  100. 100.

    Pb

    February 6, 2007 at 10:22 pm

    The Other Steve,

    This is the kind of thing people who use Linux do in their spare time.

    This one, anyhow–guilty. :)

    The rest of us realize we can buy harddrives for 25 cents a gigabyte. :-)

    No, this was all about the RAM, baby! That being said, I may not worry about the extra 8MB or so total if using the full three bits (to store 5 values) ends up being faster…

  101. 101.

    The Other Steve

    February 6, 2007 at 10:35 pm

    It’s also interesting that alcohol is about as addictive as heroin and cocaine is just slightly more addictive than caffeine. Something else they don’t tell you in the DARE class.

    I have a confession to make.

    I took a hit today.

    Of caffeine. That is, I drank a Pepsi. I’ve been on the wagon now for two weeks but the sweet sweet taste of the drug just brought me back. At least Pepsi isn’t as bad as the Mountain Dew I was mainlining, or the coffee I was snorting. But even so, I’m a bad bad boy.

    Seriously, I’m probably going to have a headache tomorrow from the withdrawls again.

  102. 102.

    The Other Steve

    February 6, 2007 at 10:38 pm

    Wow, what a bunch of homophobes. And methophobes. You all should be ashamed of yourselves. I guess this is the so-called ‘tolerance’ of the ‘reality-based’ community.

    I say Don’t Ask… Don’t tell. Unless your a hot woman doing another hot chick, then that’s like totally cool.

    I can’t explain why. Other than double the boobies maybe.

  103. 103.

    ThymeZone

    February 6, 2007 at 11:40 pm

    With Jeebus all things are possible

    Jeebus just called and said you were a spoof.

  104. 104.

    raj

    February 7, 2007 at 1:02 am

    Let’s understand something. Of course Haggard is straight. His entire profession has revolved around him being heterosexual. He has earned oodles of money by bashing homosexuals. Rhetorically, of course; Christ would never permit actual gay bashing–by him.

    Haggard is as straight–not heterosexual, but straight–as Jim McGreevey is. Or was. Or someday may will be once again. Who knows. And maybe someday he’ll be as chaste as Jimmy Swaggart is–or was. Or Newt Gingrich. Or the adulterous pastor of that mega-church in Atlanta. Or, for that matter, Earl “Butch” Kimmerling” (do a google search).

    Great role models, those xians.

  105. 105.

    raj

    February 7, 2007 at 1:04 am

    Let’s understand something. Of course Haggard is straight. His entire profession has revolved around him being heterosexual. He has earned oodles of money by bashing homosexuals. Rhetorically, of course; Christ would never permit actual gay bashing–by him.

    Haggard is as straight–not heterosexual, but straight–as Jim McGreevey is. Or was. Or someday may will be once again. Who knows. And maybe someday he’ll be as chaste as Jimmy Swaggart is–or was. Or Newt Gingrich. Or the adulterous pastor of that mega-church in Atlanta. Or, for that matter, Earl “Butch” Kimmerling” (do a google search).

    Great role models, those xians.

  106. 106.

    Punchy

    February 7, 2007 at 9:01 am

    It’s also interesting that alcohol is about as addictive as heroin and cocaine is just slightly more addictive than caffeine.

    Again I call shenanigans. There’s just NO WAY alcohol is as addictive as heroin or blow. Those jonesin for a cold frosty dont tend to knock over banks for a scud of 8-ball. Those jonesin for angel dust, however, have been known to do just crazy shit. It’s clear the drive for the “fix” is much stronger in the latter. Emperical…sure…but it just doesn’t seem right.

    As for caffiene…again…addictive? No way, IMO.

  107. 107.

    Decided FenceSitter

    February 7, 2007 at 9:33 am

    Punchy, the issue here is the legality of the situation. If someone addicted to Angel Dust could walk into your local angel dust store and purchase it, I doubt they’d do the crazy shit that happens. And vice versai.

    Legality makes a world of difference. Something taxed by state, and controlled distribution by the state, versus done by illegal means.

    Look at moonshine. Shit can kill you if it is improperly distilled. Can have all sorts of poisons. But in the 1920s when the Government said “No alcohol”, people were willing to do what it took to get their liquor on.

    Drugs. Legalize it. Regulate it. Profit from it. Cause people are going to seek chemical escape from their existance anyways.

    Note this comes from a caffeine addict. I break my addiction every couple of years so that low doses will have an effect on me again. A couple break downs ago, I was curled up around the toilet dry heaving with my head splitting wide open from a caffeine withdrawal. My wife went to the store to get me a Mountain Dew to take the edge off. Scary, ain’t it?

  108. 108.

    Jake

    February 7, 2007 at 12:06 pm

    I doubt they’d do the crazy shit that happens.

    PCP and some of the amps are bad examples because the drug drives the user to do the crazy shit. If a substance causes the cops to haul out the shark nets to contain your arse, there is a problem.

    However, the fuss over things like pot (and The Great Failed Experiment) leave me scratching my head. I know how restrictions on certain drugs got started but I don’t know why they continue. At the very least, why hasn’t some big corporation (like whoever owns Hostess or Tastee-Cake) hopped on the legalized pot bandwagon? They could make a shitload selling Sweet Leaf Lites (TM). As for caffeine, several years ago my grandmother went into the hospital with very high blood pressure. No coffee for you, the doctor said (‘natch) then her withdrawal symptoms kicked in which sent her bp higher. She got her coffee. A friend who works in a hospital lab told me the pharmacy keeps a few bottles of wine on hand for alcoholics who come in to ward off the DTs.

  109. 109.

    Jess

    February 8, 2007 at 6:37 pm

    If I had a hole in my throat, I’d stick a fake eye in it, just to freak people out.

    You sick bitch. You rock.

    Let’s all chip in some cash to buy Haggard one of those T-shirts that says “I’m not gay, but my boyfriend is!”

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