Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Wow, I can’t imagine what it was like to comment in morse code.

Let’s not be the monsters we hate.

A last alliance of elves and men. also pet photos.

“Everybody’s entitled to be an idiot.”

Within six months Twitter will be fully self-driving.

Pessimism assures that nothing of any importance will change.

Not so fun when the rabbit gets the gun, is it?

In my day, never was longer.

They fucked up the fucking up of the fuckup!

I didn’t have alien invasion on my 2023 BINGO card.

White supremacy is terrorism.

If senate republicans had any shame, they’d die of it.

Bark louder, little dog.

fuckem (in honor of the late great efgoldman)

if you can’t see it, then you are useless in the fight to stop it.

When someone says they “love freedom”, rest assured they don’t mean yours.

Thanks to your bullshit, we are now under siege.

Nothing worth doing is easy.

Whatever happens next week, the fight doesn’t end.

That’s my take and I am available for criticism at this time.

Anyone who bans teaching American history has no right to shape America’s future.

Consistently wrong since 2002

Let there be snark.

Authoritarian republicans are opposed to freedom for the rest of us.

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77Comments

  3. 3.

    demimondian

    Me either. Those of you who are celebrating my departure should mourn — I *shall* return. Someday. I think.

  8. 8.

    ThymeZone

    Don’t worry. He’ll be here.

    { sound of Mighty Mouse Song }
    { Zone appears in Andy Kaufman costume }

    Here I come to save the day!

  9. 9.

    Scruffy McSnufflepuss

    If you guys could rent a time machine for one round trip, which historical figure would you go back and warn of his or her impending assassination? If you only got to use it one-way, which historical epoch would you want to be sent back in to? When considering time travel, please bear in mind the distinct risk of becoming your own grandpa. (Or grandma.)

  10. 10.

    Scruffy McSnufflepuss

    If you guys could rent a time machine for one round trip, which historical figure would you go back and warn of his or her impending assassination? If you only got to use it one-way, which historical epoch would you want to be sent back in to? When considering time travel, please bear in mind the distinct risk of becoming your own grandpa. (Or grandma.)

    I feel I should answer these, before asking anyone else to:

    which historical figure would you go back and warn of his or her impending assassination?

    Lincoln. But what I think would be even better would be to go back in time and whack Hitler. Or Julius Caesar, before he destroyed the Roman Republic. Or Stalin. Those bastards had it coming.

    If you only got to use it one-way, which historical epoch would you want to be sent back in to?

    Well, I’d want it to be somewhere where English was spoken, because it would be a real bitch to learn Mayan, Latin, Ancient Greek, Sanskrit, or Classical Chinese. I’d also want it to be an epoch far enough back that my knowledge of how gunpowder works would make me a very important historical figure. I’d definitely want to bring some weapons/medicine/toothpaste/toilet paper/chips and salsa/schoolbooks on electricity and chemistry back in time with me, though. That’s the only other stipulation I have, I guess.

  11. 11.

    Tax Analyst

    Scruffy McSnufflepuss Says:

    If you guys could rent a time machine for one round trip, which historical figure would you go back and warn of his or her impending assassination? If you only got to use it one-way, which historical epoch would you want to be sent back in to? When considering time travel, please bear in mind the distinct risk of becoming your own grandpa. (Or grandma.)

    I feel I should answer these, before asking anyone else to:

    which historical figure would you go back and warn of his or her impending assassination?

    Lincoln. But what I think would be even better would be to go back in time and whack Hitler. Or Julius Caesar, before he destroyed the Roman Republic. Or Stalin. Those bastards had it coming.

    If you only got to use it one-way, which historical epoch would you want to be sent back in to?

    Well, I’d want it to be somewhere where English was spoken, because it would be a real bitch to learn Mayan, Latin, Ancient Greek, Sanskrit, or Classical Chinese. I’d also want it to be an epoch far enough back that my knowledge of how gunpowder works would make me a very important historical figure. I’d definitely want to bring some weapons/medicine/toothpaste/toilet paper/chips and salsa/schoolbooks on electricity and chemistry back in time with me, though. That’s the only other stipulation I have, I guess.

    It wouldn’t matter. Ye’d likely be hanged or burned at th’ stake fer bein’ in league wit’ th’ Deevil…maybe both, even. But outside of that it’s a real keen idea.

  12. 12.

    Tax Analyst

    Scruffy McSnufflepuss Says:

    If you guys could rent a time machine for one round trip, which historical figure would you go back and warn of his or her impending assassination? If you only got to use it one-way, which historical epoch would you want to be sent back in to? When considering time travel, please bear in mind the distinct risk of becoming your own grandpa. (Or grandma.)

    Another Very Disturbing Thought: Whatever you did changed the Future (well, of course, silly) and in the New 2007 Bush is still President, but Gay Marriage is Mandatory. Instead of pandering to the Christian Right Dubyah is sucking up (sorry, couldn’t help it) to the Log Cabin Republicans.

  14. 14.

    Tony J

    Finals Week and I simply have no time.

    Ahhhh. So that’s why I haven’t noticed any Darrellisation of the threads for a few weeks, no more extra credit for the students to earn now that things have got serious.

    Which historical figure would you go back and warn of his or her impending assassination?

    Ghandi. If only to get Ben Kingsley a three movie deal.

    Well, I’d want it to be somewhere where English was spoken, because it would be a real bitch to learn Mayan, Latin, Ancient Greek, Sanskrit, or Classical Chinese. I’d also want it to be an epoch far enough back that my knowledge of how gunpowder works would make me a very important historical figure. I’d definitely want to bring some weapons/medicine/toothpaste/toilet paper/chips and salsa/schoolbooks on electricity and chemistry back in time with me, though.

    I call thee William Walker, sir. But watch out for those ex-Stasi spymasters, they’re ever so paranoid.

    And if I only knew how to retitle external links on this damned thing, I wouldn’t have to point out that I mean the William Walker from S. M. Stirling’s ‘Island in the Sea of Time’ trilogy, and not the one who pioneered the USA’s policy of ‘regime-change’ towards Central America.

  15. 15.

    srv

    Lincoln.

    He might not be considered as much a hero had he lived. It’s easy to smash up things (once you find the right general), much harder to clean up afterwards.

    But what I think would be even better would be to go back in time and whack Hitler.

    Depends on when. If you whacked him at the wrong time, the Nazis might have kept alot of Europe.

  17. 17.

    Zombie Santa Claus

    It wouldn’t matter. Ye’d likely be hanged or burned at th’ stake fer bein’ in league wit’ th’ Deevil…maybe both, even. But outside of that it’s a real keen idea.

    If he brought back a gun, he could take a few of those ignorant fucks with him. Of course, with humanity’s luck, he’d probably take out Winston Churchill’s great-great-grandpa, and Lincoln’s too. Then we’d all be speaking German right now. With fucking Southern accents.

  18. 18.

    Zombie Santa Claus

    Another Very Disturbing Thought: Whatever you did changed the Future (well, of course, silly) and in the New 2007 Bush is still President, but Gay Marriage is Mandatory. Instead of pandering to the Christian Right Dubyah is sucking up (sorry, couldn’t help it) to the Log Cabin Republicans.

    I think someone would have to figure out a way to vote for Gore in Florida 538 more times.

  19. 19.

    Pb

    If you guys could rent a time machine for one round trip, which historical figure would you go back and warn of his or her impending assassination?

    Abel.

  20. 20.

    Tax Analyst

    Zombie Santa Claus Says:

    It wouldn’t matter. Ye’d likely be hanged or burned at th’ stake fer bein’ in league wit’ th’ Deevil…maybe both, even. But outside of that it’s a real keen idea.

    If he brought back a gun, he could take a few of those ignorant fucks with him. Of course, with humanity’s luck, he’d probably take out Winston Churchill’s great-great-grandpa, and Lincoln’s too. Then we’d all be speaking German right now. With fucking Southern accents.

    May 3rd, 2007 at 1:16 pm

    Zombie Santa Claus Says:

    Another Very Disturbing Thought: Whatever you did changed the Future (well, of course, silly) and in the New 2007 Bush is still President, but Gay Marriage is Mandatory. Instead of pandering to the Christian Right Dubyah is sucking up (sorry, couldn’t help it) to the Log Cabin Republicans.

    I think someone would have to figure out a way to vote for Gore in Florida 538 more times.

    In a forced Gay Marriage, speaking German with a Southern accent. Oh, and Gore’s married to Dick Cheney, so it wouldn’t help. Can I just be burned now?

  21. 21.

    Zombie Santa Claus

    Ghandi. If only to get Ben Kingsley a three movie deal.

    I’d save MLK. If Gandhi’d survived, Pakistan would still be fucked up. MLK might’ve made a difference.

    He might not be considered as much a hero had he lived. It’s easy to smash up things (once you find the right general), much harder to clean up afterwards.

    Maybe. But at least he had a plan that didn’t involve pissing the South off, then pulling out to win the 1876 election. That’d be almost like pissing Germany off at Versailles, occupying the Rhineland to fuck up the democratic government’s economy, then backing down when Hitler sends 3 battalions in to reoccupy the entire region.

    Depends on when. If you whacked him at the wrong time, the Nazis might have kept alot of Europe.

    1916. People can die pretty easily in wartime, you know.

  22. 22.

    Zombie Santa Claus

    Abel.

    Why not save Jesus, then? Or even me? May 29 is coming up. You’d only have to go back in time one year to save my chubby red ass.

    In a forced Gay Marriage, speaking German with a Southern accent. Oh, and Gore’s married to Dick Cheney, so it wouldn’t help. Can I just be burned now?

    I think I want to go forward in time to find weapons powerful enough to blow the entire planet up, then take them back in time and explode the world. Then none of this had to happen.

    Either that, or I’ll take Nixon back in time to 70 million BC with me and let the dinosaurs have his sorry ass. Pol Pot, too. And Richard III I’ll send back in time to before plants were invented, so he can die of asphyxiation.

    Ho ho ho, bitches!

  23. 23.

    Krista

    If you guys could rent a time machine for one round trip, which historical figure would you go back and warn of his or her impending assassination? If you only got to use it one-way, which historical epoch would you want to be sent back in to? When considering time travel, please bear in mind the distinct risk of becoming your own grandpa. (Or grandma.)

    Ooo, that’s a good one. Lincoln’s an obvious one, I’d say. I’ll have to ponder some others.

    As far as time-travel goes, it depends on who I get to be when I go back. But, if I can go back and have a certain degree of money and independance, then I would have liked to have gone back to Europe in the late 1800’s and posed for Leighton or Rossetti and just immersed myself in the pre-Raphaelite art world. Or, I’d like to be Leonardo da Vinci’s assistant. I wouldn’t want to go back to any time/place where the odds of my starving/having to beg/risking getting my ass shot off are high.

  24. 24.

    Tony J

    I’d save MLK. If Gandhi’d survived, Pakistan would still be fucked up. MLK might’ve made a difference

    Point.

  26. 26.

    Punchy

    If you only got to use it one-way, which historical epoch would you want to be sent back in to?

    No brainer. October, 2003. I’d wait for Bartman to hit the concession stand during the 5th inning and give him a quality judo chop to the noggin. Then I’d grab his seat and clear out the whole row right before Alou comes into my lap making an outstanding snag of the foul ball.

  27. 27.

    Pb

    Why Abel? Why not take Eve out? Or, better still, Adam?

    I think you’ve got it backwards–the question was, who would you save, not who would you assassinate. But as for Abel, it was all downhill from there. I figure, start as early as possible, to effect the most change.

  30. 30.

    Tax Analyst

    Scruffy McSnufflepuss Says:

    If you guys could rent a time machine for one round trip, which historical figure would you go back and warn of his or her impending assassination? If you only got to use it one-way, which historical epoch would you want to be sent back in to? When considering time travel, please bear in mind the distinct risk of becoming your own grandpa. (Or grandma.)

    I feel I should answer these, before asking anyone else to:

    which historical figure would you go back and warn of his or her impending assassination?

    Lincoln. But what I think would be even better would be to go back in time and whack Hitler. Or Julius Caesar, before he destroyed the Roman Republic. Or Stalin. Those bastards had it coming.

    If you only got to use it one-way, which historical epoch would you want to be sent back in to?

    Hmmm…I never did seriously address your question, did I? Ummm…I don’t even fly well…and I’d be totally screwed without sounds to listen to and having to hand-write everything and not to mention modern indoor plumbing and microwaves and horse-shit on the road. So you can have my Time-Machine ticket, OK? But do give my regards to Mr. Lincoln, he was a helluva guy & we ain’t often seen the like since, I reckon.

  31. 31.

    demimondian

    Why Abel? Why not take Eve out? Or, better still, Adam?

    I think you’ve got it backwards—the question was, who would you save, not who would you assassinate. But as for Abel, it was all downhill from there. I figure, start as early as possible, to effect the most change.

    I thought my interpretation made more sense, though. Saving Abel would still have us outside the Garden — whacking Adam would take care of the whole problem from the start.

    Then again, maybe that’s why Abraham spared Isaac — or was it his brother? The texts aren’t consistent with one another.

  32. 32.

    Punchy

    Then again, maybe that’s why Abraham spared Isaac—or was it his brother? The texts aren’t consistent with one another

    Can we get an exorcism here? Demi is talking Bible gibberish again.

  33. 33.

    demimondian

    Demi is talking Bible gibberish again.

    Actually, it’s equally well Koran gibberish. But either way, it’s *somebody’s* unholy book which is wrong.

  34. 34.

    Rome Again

    If you guys could rent a time machine for one round trip, which historical figure would you go back and warn of his or her impending assassination? If you only got to use it one-way, which historical epoch would you want to be sent back in to? When considering time travel, please bear in mind the distinct risk of becoming your own grandpa. (Or grandma.)

    Lady Jane Grey, I’d tell her “if you wear that crown for even a second, you’ll never see the age of 17”.

  36. 36.

    Rome Again

    { sound of Mighty Mouse Song }
    { Zone appears in Andy Kaufman costume }

    Here I come to save the day!

    Awwwww… I’ll bet that’s cute! ;)

  37. 37.

    cleek

    But what I think would be even better would be to go back in time and whack Hitler.

    the fact that people like Hitler, Stalin, OBL, etc were able to do what they did seems like pretty solid evidence that we will not have time machines in the future.

  38. 38.

    Pb

    whacking Adam would take care of the whole problem from the start

    Or just tell Eve not to listen to that snake. Of course, if Adam and Eve never left the garden, then we’d get a tidy little paradox, what with the time machine and all…

  39. 39.

    jake

    the fact that people like Hitler, Stalin, OBL, etc were able to do what they did seems like pretty solid evidence that we will not have time machines in the future.

    Unless the people of the future are sick “reality show” addicts. We call it tragedy our great-to-the-tenth offspring call it family entertainment.

    “He mom-unit, they’re showing re-runs of Katrina!”

    “Great, I’ll make hybridized popcorn!”

    In other news:
    We’ve lost a Tarzan and we’re still stuck with George of the Bungle.

  40. 40.

    Dreggas

    If you guys could rent a time machine for one round trip, which historical figure would you go back and warn of his or her impending assassination?

    Lee Harvey Oswald – Let’s face it if he had gone to trial either one of two things could have happened, the conspiracy theory of the grassy knoll would be DOA or the evidence of gov’t involvement could have come to light. Notice I didn’t say Kennedy in this case only because there would probably be a bigger risk of throwing history into a larger tailspin would have been saving him.

    If you only got to use it one-way, which historical epoch would you want to be sent back in to?

    I would have to say either the middle ages or the Rennaissance era’s, perhaps even the very early post-Roman Empire period.

  41. 41.

    demimondian

    just tell Eve not to listen to that snake

    Well, if she wouldn’t listen to God, I kind of doubt that she’d respond well to instructions from a pseudonymous troll from a blog comments section…

  42. 42.

    demimondian

    He mom-unit,

    Apparently, gay marriage will be obligatory in that liberal paradise.

  43. 43.

    Dreggas

    the fact that people like Hitler, Stalin, OBL, etc were able to do what they did seems like pretty solid evidence that we will not have time machines in the future.

    Unless of course time travellers went back in time to stop hitler etc. but others went back and stopped those trying to stop them because of the repercussions.

  44. 44.

    cleek

    CNN.com:

    Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama has been placed under the protection of the U.S. Secret Service, reportedly because of a threat against him, the Secret Service said Thursday.

    no story yet

  45. 45.

    Pb

    if she wouldn’t listen to God, I kind of doubt that she’d respond well to instructions from a pseudonymous troll from a blog comments section…

    Why not, she listened to a snake…

  47. 47.

    Dreggas

    I saw the Obama thing on Raw Story though they only had the headline, no link at the time. First thought that went through my head…it’s either some wingnut on the right or someone pissed because he took over the mySpace site.

  48. 48.

    Punchy

    the fact that people like Hitler, Stalin, OBL, etc were able to do what they did seems like pretty solid evidence that we will not have time machines in the future.

    Perhaps there’s some REALLY anti-Semetic, Muslim time-machine builders out there in them future parts…

  49. 49.

    DougJ

    There’s some really primo wingnuttery here if you’re into that kind of thing. You’ve got a rightie there bragging about how great Murdoch is because American idol raised 70 million for “poor people in America and Africa.”

  51. 51.

    jg

    Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama has been placed under the protection of the U.S. Secret Service, reportedly because of a threat against him, the Secret Service said Thursday.

    Perhaps they just noticed he’s black and running for president.

  52. 52.

    Dreggas

    DougJ Says:

    There’s some really primo wingnuttery here if you’re into that kind of thing. You’ve got a rightie there bragging about how great Murdoch is because American idol raised 70 million for “poor people in America and Africa.”

    Oh no the primo stuff is over on the MSNBC comments forum dealing with the new Hate Crimes bill Bush is threatening to veto…the dobsonites are out in force…must be fred phelps notified em all to post there.

  53. 53.

    Scruffy McSnufflepuss

    Why Abel? Why not take Eve out? Or, better still, Adam?

    If Eve is hot, and I had sex with her, that’d be pretty gross, right? I mean, that’s pretty much the ultimate “being your own grandpa” scenario. In fact, since all your other ancestors descend from her, it’s like being your own grandpa AND your own grandma on both your mother’s side and your father’s side.

    the fact that people like Hitler, Stalin, OBL, etc were able to do what they did seems like pretty solid evidence that we will not have time machines in the future.

    Maybe the guys we killed to get these guys were even worse. Maybe it’d be like Hitler with nukes. Or Stalin with chainsaw hands. Have you ever thought what THAT could mean for humanity?

  55. 55.

    Scruffy McSnufflepuss

    I would have to say either the middle ages or the Rennaissance era’s, perhaps even the very early post-Roman Empire period.

    I hope you speak German. Also, don’t be Catholic. Arianism is the way to go.

    Unless of course time travellers went back in time to stop hitler etc. but others went back and stopped those trying to stop them because of the repercussions

    How about if you travel back in time to see your grandma, but meanwhile she’s in another time machine coming to see you, so you miss her? What if she’s really hot, and your roommate and her get to “talking”? Before you know it, that douchebag who steals your beers and eats all your food is your fucking grand-dad. So time travel is not without its risks, you see.

    In the words of Jack Handey, “If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact.”

  56. 56.

    Scruffy McSnufflepuss

    Hmmm…I never did seriously address your question, did I? Ummm…I don’t even fly well…and I’d be totally screwed without sounds to listen to and having to hand-write everything and not to mention modern indoor plumbing and microwaves and horse-shit on the road. So you can have my Time-Machine ticket, OK? But do give my regards to Mr. Lincoln, he was a helluva guy & we ain’t often seen the like since, I reckon.

    No, no, silly! You go back in time and invent all that crap! You’ll make a fortune! Haven’t you ever read “A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court”?

  58. 58.

    Dreggas

    Scruffy McSnufflepuss Says:

    I hope you speak German. Also, don’t be Catholic. Arianism is the way to go.

    Actually I have studied some german and love the language, not to mention the fact I am a Pagan :).

  59. 59.

    chopper

    If you guys could rent a time machine for one round trip, which historical figure would you go back and warn of his or her impending assassination?

    phil hartman’s a historical figure, right?

  60. 60.

    Krista

    You know what, chopper? I actually thought of Phil Hartman for a moment there too. Poor bastard — that was so tragic.

  61. 61.

    The Easter Bunny

    Santa died last year? On May 29th? What happened?

    The fat fuck got blowed up by Canuckistani insurgents, or so it appeared. In actuality, the insurgents spirited him away to a secret lab hidden deep in the frozen wastelands of northern Canuckistan. There, they used unspeakable methods to transform his lard-encrusted carcass into a ravenous, brain-craving zombie. The undead but still very obese Zombie Santa then led the Canuckistani forces against our boys in a last, desperate attempt to win the War on Christmas.

    After that, things got sort of confusing. At some point, his ghost also showed up and started posting on message boards like this one.

    Currently, Zombie Santa is a disembodied head in a jar. Or maybe that’s the Ghost of Santa. I can’t fucking keep track anymore. The important thing is, the widow Claus has needed a lot of help to get over her grief. Lots and lots of sweaty, uninhibited help.

    Does that answer your question? Maybe you should spend more time keeping up on events and less time thinking of new ways to hate America, moonbat.

  62. 62.

    jake

    Santa died last year? On May 29th? What happened?

    Obama bin Laden took him out. ‘Tis true! I sawed it on Faux Newz!

  63. 63.

    chopper

    You know what, chopper? I actually thought of Phil Hartman for a moment there too. Poor bastard—that was so tragic.

    i know. bitch took troy mcclure away from the world. sigh.

  64. 64.

    Scruffy McSnufflepuss

    Santa died last year? On May 29th? What happened?

    Canada won The War on Christmas, I guess.

    Actually I have studied some german and love the language, not to mention the fact I am a Pagan.

    Better go hang out in Saxony, then. If you’re prowling around the old Roman Empire worshipping Zeus, those Goths are likely to disembowel you.

    phil hartman’s a historical figure, right?

    Hell yeah, and so is Nicole Simpson.

  66. 66.

    Scruffy McSnufflepuss

    i know. bitch took troy mcclure away from the world. sigh.

    The Simpsons have never been the same since they lost Troy McClure and Lionel Hutz. She basically assassinated the Simpsons along with one of the funniest guys in SNL history.

  67. 67.

    Rome Again

    The fat fuck got blowed up by Canuckistani insurgents, or so it appeared. In actuality, the insurgents spirited him away to a secret lab hidden deep in the frozen wastelands of northern Canuckistan. There, they used unspeakable methods to transform his lard-encrusted carcass into a ravenous, brain-craving zombie. The undead but still very obese Zombie Santa then led the Canuckistani forces against our boys in a last, desperate attempt to win the War on Christmas.

    There was a war between the soldiers of Santa and the soldiers of the bunny? Wow, where the hell was I when THAT went down?

  68. 68.

    Scruffy McSnufflepuss

    There was a war between the soldiers of Santa and the soldiers of the bunny? Wow, where the hell was I when THAT went down?

    That’s why Bush has been funneling all this CIA assistance to the elves at Santa’s Workshoppe. If it wasn’t for the Bush Administration, TWOC would’ve been lost a long time ago, and Christmas would be gone forever.

    I don’t agree with Bush’s policy on illegal immigration or prescription drugs, but he’s the only one who’s fighting to defend Christmas against the secular humanists seeking its destruction.

    God bless Bill O’Reilly for bringing this to the nation’s attention.

  70. 70.

    Rome Again

    I don’t agree with Bush’s policy on illegal immigration or prescription drugs, but he’s the only one who’s fighting to defend Christmas against the secular humanists seeking its destruction.

    I haven’t celebrated Christmas in over four years, careful there Scruffy, I am enemy now.

  71. 71.

    jake

    There was a war between the soldiers of Santa and the soldiers of the bunny?

    Perhaps you were nestled all snug in your bed,
    while visions of sugar plums danced in your head.

    Of course, it all depends on how much you had to drink before you went beddy-byes.

  72. 72.

    Scruffy McSnufflepuss

    I haven’t celebrated Christmas in over four years, careful there Scruffy, I am enemy now.

    Don’t tell Santa! That motherfucker’s CRAZY!

    Of course, it all depends on how much you had to drink before you went beddy-byes.

    I think the Tooth Fairy was involved in it for a while, too. He/she/it was more of a freelancer, though, a mercenary assassin working for both sides. Independent fairy muscle, as it were.

  73. 73.

    Pb

    ROFL…

    Let us pray for the power to understand how Gannon made his way from HotMilitaryStud.com to the International Bible Reading Association.

  74. 74.

    The Tooth Fairy

    I think the Tooth Fairy was involved in it for a while, too. He/she/it was more of a freelancer, though, a mercenary assassin working for both sides. Independent fairy muscle, as it were.

    Muthafucka you try working a job where people still leave tips like it’s nineteen-fifty-fucking-two. Would you leave a shiny quarter as a tip at a restaurant? Hell no, cuz that waiter has a family to feed. You cheap bastards forced me to expand my business options. I got mouths to feed too. In fact, I’m considering leaving teeth behind entirely. You people can pick up your own offspring’s bicuspids or let ’em rot under their heads while they sleep.

    I suspect Santa had to go for brains because you cheap pricks left nothing but cookies all those years. Ungrateful bastards — if you aren’t trying to exploit my name for profit, you are assuming I’m a woman because I dress up from time to time (and you know this asshole is one of those who gets all self righteous when someone calls God a he).

  75. 75.

    jg

    Scruffy McSnufflepuss Says:

    i know. bitch took troy mcclure away from the world. sigh.

    The Simpsons have never been the same since they lost Troy McClure and Lionel Hutz. She basically assassinated the Simpsons along with one of the funniest guys in SNL history.

    And NewsRadio.

  77. 77.

    The Tooth Fairy

    And to clear up a few points, before anybody gets all upset that their kids haven’t been keeping the dime they dropped them: Nabbing the kids’ loose change was a recent development. Until the last few years, there has always been an extremely profitable market for teeth. For a while during the ’90’s and early 2000’s I could even afford to subsidize the kids a little extra out of pity for being born into such a cheap family. Then Iraq opens up, Fido gets sick and all of a sudden the Chinese don’t want their shipments of “protein enriched animal feed” (wink, wink) and there’s no Saddam buying up enamel for his palaces. Bush even let Kim Jong go nuts on his own kids as well as develop nuclear weapons. Poof — no need for his rotten molar dirty bombs. You voting for that crook forced me to take action and increase my cash flow however I could.

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