Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Republican obstruction dressed up as bipartisanship. Again.

Since when do we limit our critiques to things we could do better ourselves?

I know this must be bad for Joe Biden, I just don’t know how.

People are complicated. Love is not.

Putting aside our relentless self-interest because the moral imperative is crystal clear.

Let us savor the impending downfall of lawless scoundrels who richly deserve the trouble barreling their way.

Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Eh, that’s media spin. biden’s health is fine and he’s doing a good job.

Despite his magical powers, I don’t think Trump is thinking this through, to be honest.

Our job is not to persuade republicans but to defeat them.

They traffic in fear. it is their only currency. if we are fearful, they are winning.

Their freedom requires your slavery.

A thin legal pretext to veneer over their personal religious and political desires

Yeah, with this crowd one never knows.

The next time the wall street journal editorial board speaks the truth will be the first.

The party of Reagan has become the party of Putin.

T R E 4 5 O N

Republicans are radicals, not conservatives.

Proof that we need a blogger ethics panel.

In my day, never was longer.

Wow, you are pre-disappointed. How surprising.

Why is it so hard for them to condemn hate?

Fuck the extremist election deniers. What’s money for if not for keeping them out of office?

Fuck these fucking interesting times.

You are here: Home / Politics / Shorter Sam Brownback

Shorter Sam Brownback

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One of Sam Brownback’s speechwriters wrote an op-ed piece in the NY Times which serves as a message to several varying constituencies. The message is as follows:

To the flat earth religious right nuts:

“I would visit the the creationism museum, but it is probably best if I hold off until after I am elected.”

To middle America:

“Sure, I’m religious, but I am not crazy.”

To the scientific community:

“I will flat out make up anything in order to get elected, and when elected, Monica goodling clones will be appointed to NASA and the FDA.”

Reader Interactions

72Comments

  1. 1.

    Zombie Santa Claus

    Brownback is the bestest candidate ever.

    But the fact remains: processes which science claims require aeons or millions of years take, at most, decades or centuries. We can make stalactites in hours with epsom salts, so why should it take a million billion kajillion years to form a cave? Ask Darwin and his followers, and you’ll receive either a stunned, total silence, or a vicious attack on your intelligence, your motives, and your religion. But the bottom line is, they’re wrong and they know it. They don’t like having it pointed out, because that endangers their meal ticket. Modern science is a boondoggle of epic proportions. Our salaries’ taxes go to paying for the salaries of those who fudge data, falsely claim to shoot objects into “space”, and fill our childrens’ heads with lies about how their grandparents fornicated with baboons.

    Why anyone ever took these Marxists seriously is something we can debate ad nauseam. But it fills me with hope to see that the children are no longer falling for it. They can easily disprove it for themselves. They don’t need scientists to tell them the Bible is wrong, when they can figure out for themselves that the Bible is right, and science is wrong: “The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God.”

  2. 2.

    ThymeZone

    An astute post, John.

    Years and years ago, religious activists designed, and then sold, a scheme for taking control of government, and a good deal of that scheme was frankly based on stealth. The whole idea of cloaking basically bigoted and intolerant views in a veil of “values” dame from those beginnings. When I say frankly, I mean they were frank and open about it. Here’s how you do it, you talk moderation and values, and when you get elected, then you can advance the agenda. No go out and do it.

    And they did. And they still are. All that’s necessary to understand the scheme is to take them at their word. They intend to pretend to be moderate, get elected, and establish God’s Law in dominion over us.

    That ain’t my opinion, it’s their stated plan.

    Vote accordingly.

  3. 3.

    Zombie Santa Claus

    And they did. And they still are. All that’s necessary to understand the scheme is to take them at their word. They intend to pretend to be moderate, get elected, and establish God’s Law in dominion over us.

    Well, you see, there are only two parties in America: God’s Party, and Satan’s Party. So this program is actually pretty centrist, viewed from that angle.

    I mean, it’s not as if we’re talking about burning people at the stake. Not yet, anyway.

  4. 4.

    Andrew

    That ain’t my opinion, it’s their stated plan.

    Is it bad or sort of awesome that their plan is exactly the same one that the Cylons have on BSG?

  5. 5.

    Jake

    Well, you see, there are only two parties in America: God’s Party,

    Ahem. That’s God’s Only Party.

    I must say, watching the GOP candydates sing “I’m every woman,” to their potiential voters reminds me of a three year old streaking down the side walk. On the surface, the GOPers exhibit the same wide-eyed innocence and glee that we only find in creatures who really have no shame.

    Just beneath the surface, however, things get a bit ugly.

  7. 7.

    RSA

    This kind of shit just makes me mad:

    The truths of science and faith are complementary: they deal with very different questions, but they do not contradict each other because the spiritual order and the material order were created by the same God.

    . . .Man was not an accident and reflects an image and likeness unique in the created order.

    Brownback asserts there are no contradictions between faith and science, as long as we ignore well-known contradictions between faith and science; in those non-existent contradictions, faith wins out.

  8. 8.

    Tsulagi

    when elected, Monica goodling clones will be appointed to NASA and the FDA.

    Don’t forget the George Deutsches!

    The Monicas will need to mate in order to fill the future ranks of government. They need to be in close proximity to the proper penises. After marriage of course.

    Also, men have broader shoulders than women. That’s so they can receive more of God’s love and wisdom from above. (I actually heard this from a wingnut)

  9. 9.

    RSA

    Oh, and this:

    If, on the other hand, [believing in evolution] means assenting to an exclusively materialistic, deterministic vision of the world that holds no place for a guiding intelligence, then I reject it.

    Materialism is a basic tenet of science, and (per Digby/tristero) it’s not about Paris Hilton. Determinism is a non-starter, especially in the realm of evolutionary change.

  10. 10.

    AkaDad

    Why do you hate Baby Jesus?

    This is mandatory when one becomes a minion of Satan…

  11. 11.

    Jake

    If, on the other hand, [believing in evolution God] means assenting to an exclusively materialistic, deterministic vision of the world that holds no place for a guiding intelligence, then I reject it.

    Fixed.

  12. 12.

    Rome Again

    Well, you see, there are only two parties in America: God’s Party, and Satan’s Party. So this program is actually pretty centrist, viewed from that angle.

    From Pink Floyd (Dark Side of the Moon):

    Black and Blue, and who knows which is which, and who is who?

  13. 13.

    Zifnab

    The Monicas will need to mate in order to fill the future ranks of government. They need to be in close proximity to the proper penises. After marriage of course.

    We’ll need, what? One man to ten women? In order to rebuild the species of “homo Christianus”? Let me consult Dr. Strangelove on this one.

    If, on the other hand, [believing in evolution] means assenting to an exclusively materialistic, deterministic vision of the world that holds no place for a guiding intelligence, then I reject it.

    Translation: It ain’t true, cause I don’t wanna believe it.

    After all, if we believe in evolution, we take one more step down the road of religious irrelevance. Religion is supposed to answer the unanswered questions for us, so if we start answering them ourselves… why do we need religion?

    Scary thought.

  14. 14.

    Walker

    I want to know, what is up with this part?

    It would take a miracle from God himself to convince non-believers that patterns statistically beyond random chance that prove an “Intelligent Designer” to be behind the creation of gravity. Maybe this miracle, or series of miracles has already happened. Belief in a Higher Power taught to our school children will increase discipline in our public schools, thus increase our economy. Reasonable belief that gravity had to have come from an “Intelligent Designer” is just the kind of miracle that America needs.

    Does Brownback believe in Intelligent Falling?

  15. 15.

    norbizness

    All this talk of George Deutsch and Monica Goodling clones makes me think of the plot to Moonraker, although to be fair a lot of things make me think of that magnificent movie.

  19. 19.

    Rome Again

    This is mandatory when one becomes a minion of Satan…

    A particular reading of the book of Isaiah might suggest they are both one and the same.

  22. 22.

    Bubblegum Tate

    Dude that bumper sticker is the shit. I want the T-shirt.

    Ask and ye shall receive I know I’m getting a T-shirt, pronto. And honestly, I kind of want to go to the Creation Museum because I think it would be unbelievably funny. I just don’t want to give them any material support whatsoever.

  26. 26.

    ThymeZone

    Not your best work.

    Sure, but not even Willie Mays could hit a triple or throw a man out at the plate from deep center field every day.

    Just watching Mays have an ordinary day, going 1 for 4 and just running out an infield single was worth the price of the ticket.

    Same for Birdzilla. Cut him some slack.

  27. 27.

    Dreggas

    Bubblegum Tate Says:

    Ask and ye shall receive I know I’m getting a T-shirt, pronto. And honestly, I kind of want to go to the Creation Museum because I think it would be unbelievably funny. I just don’t want to give them any material support whatsoever.

    No, no you don’t trust me.

    I was at a local amusement park (Knott’s Berry Farm) a couple years ago with my wife’s cousin and her boyfriend at the time who had invited a bunch of his friends (he had just returned from Iraq) and they were all evangelical fundies. We were riding some ride called “land of the dinosaurs” or something and a couple of his friends were in front of me, one looks at the other and says “Do you think dinosaurs really existed? They aren’t in the bible.”

    The stupid was literally radioactive and it was all I could do not to laugh or puke I still haven’t figured out which. This museum will just reinforce that kind of horseshit.

  28. 28.

    Zombie Santa Claus

    Sure, but not even Willie Mays could hit a triple or throw a man out at the plate from deep center field every day.

    Just watching Mays have an ordinary day, going 1 for 4 and just running out an infield single was worth the price of the ticket.

    Same for Birdzilla. Cut him some slack.

    Good point. Plus, in season 4 he’s gonna BLOW YOUR FRIGGIN’ MIND!!!

  29. 29.

    Bubblegum Tate

    The stupid was literally radioactive and it was all I could do not to laugh or puke I still haven’t figured out which. This museum will just reinforce that kind of horseshit.

    Very good point. Of course, I would have no connection to anybody at the museum and therefore wouldn’t need to stifle laughter to appease any friends or relatives. Plus, I imagine I’d get stoned out of my gourd before entering anyway just to maximize enjoyment.

    “You ever been to the Creation Museum…on weed?”

    But this is all hypothetical, anyway, as I won’t be anywhere near it anytime soon.

  31. 31.

    ThymeZone

    in season 4 he’s gonna BLOW YOUR FRIGGIN’ MIND

    You got THAT right, Zombie Department Store Santa.

    In 1955 Mays:

    Batted 319
    Hit 51 home runs (in 1955, for crissakes! Un-fucking believable)
    Drove in 127 runs and scored 123.

    Now THAT is a fucking season, my friend.

  33. 33.

    Rome Again

    By the way, that call to Christ at the bottom was not something I choose to link to, it just happened to be there on the page. My advice: “dont’ do it”. LMAO

  35. 35.

    Zombie Santa Claus

    You got THAT right, Zombie Department Store Santa.

    Ho ho ho, bitches!

    In 1955 Mays:

    Batted 319
    Hit 51 home runs (in 1955, for crissakes! Un-fucking believable)
    Drove in 127 runs and scored 123.

    Now THAT is a fucking season, my friend.

    Definitely better than The Wire season 1, but I haven’t seen season 4 yet. By all accounts it blows Willie Mays, cocktails on the beach, blowjobs, beautiful sunsets, puppydogs, and getting to go to Heaven when you die, all completely out of the water.

  36. 36.

    Rome Again

    By all accounts it blows Willie Mays, cocktails on the beach, blowjobs, beautiful sunsets, puppydogs, and getting to go to Heaven when you die, all completely out of the water.

    No television show in the world can be THAT good.

  37. 37.

    ThymeZone

    Definitely better than The Wire season 1, but I haven’t seen season 4 yet.

    Well, people bought tickets and flocked to see Mays play. But they mostly avoid The Wire in droves.

    So you figure it out.

    “The Wire’s” Baltimore looks like a city with its heart ripped out, and we don’t like wallowing in the troubles of drug dealers, addicts, gangbangers and morally conflicted cops and politicians.

    And that’s from a reviewer who actually liked the show.

    I can’t imagine why people wouldn’t cancel their plans and stay home to watch the troubles of drug dealers, addicts, gangbangers and morally conflicted cops. Really. Sometimes reality is just such a paradox, right Santa?

  38. 38.

    Dreggas

    ThymeZone Says:

    Do you think dinosaurs really existed?

    Hell yes. How else to explain John McCain and Joe Lieberman and Robert C Byrd?

    That explains neanderthals not dinosaurs.

  39. 39.

    Zombie Santa Claus

    No television show in the world can be THAT good.

    Well, you have to give it a couple seasons to build to that.

    Well, people bought tickets and flocked to see Mays play. But they mostly avoid The Wire in droves.

    Season 4 of The Wire is better than the Eternal Salvation of your soul. People who would rather see Willie Mays play are the kinds of people who flock in droves to the Inferno.

    Or so I’ve been told. Having never seen The Wire beyond season 2, I wouldn’t know.

    “The Wire’s” Baltimore looks like a city with its heart ripped out, and we don’t like wallowing in the troubles of drug dealers, addicts, gangbangers and morally conflicted cops and politicians.

    I do. It reminds me of most of the great Midatlantic cities I’ve lived in or spent large amounts of time in- Baltimore itself; Wilmington, Delaware; Camden, NJ; Chester, Pennsylvania; certain parts of Philly; etc. I’ve never been to Flint, Michigan, or Gary, Indiana, but if you’ve ever lived in Camden they probably feel just like home.

    Sometimes reality is just such a paradox, right Santa?

    Maybe they feel guilty. The reason so many of these cities are so fucked up is that all the white people fled them in 1968, and took all their money with them. Watching The Wire may, in fact, be a form of Purgatory for such people, making possible their eventual admission into Paradise.

    Fuck! I couldn’t figure out a way to work “Vita Nuova” into this post. Sorry, Dante fans!

  40. 40.

    Zombie Santa Claus

    And that’s from a reviewer who actually liked the show.

    You know one that really disappointed me? Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds.” I saw it for the first time last night, and I was far from impressed. The suspensful build-up was good, and a couple shots were creepy; beyond that, I didn’t think it deserved its rating as an Immortal Cinema Classic. (Plus, the starlet really looks like a non-coked up version of Paris Hilton, and it creeped me out a little.)

    Can someone please tell me why I’m being an asshole about this? Thanks.

  41. 41.

    The Other Steve

    Look, whatever you think of Brownback, you have to admit there would be worse candidates.

    Like Satan for instance.

  42. 42.

    Rome Again

    I do. It reminds me of most of the great Midatlantic cities I’ve lived in or spent large amounts of time in- Baltimore itself; Wilmington, Delaware; Camden, NJ; Chester, Pennsylvania; certain parts of Philly; etc. I’ve never been to Flint, Michigan, or Gary, Indiana, but if you’ve ever lived in Camden they probably feel just like home.

    Well, as someone born in Wilmington, who dated a guy from Highlandtown (Baltimore), descended from tobacco farmers from Kent Island (early MD settlers), with a sister who works in Chester, I cancel you out because I don’t watch it at all!

  43. 43.

    Rome Again

    Like Satan for instance.

    I hear he likes to dress up as Jesus and fool all the little children.

  44. 44.

    Zombie Santa Claus

    Well, as someone born in Wilmington, who dated a guy from Highlandtown (Baltimore), descended from tobacco farmers from Kent Island (early MD settlers), with a sister who works in Chester, I cancel you out because I don’t watch it at all!

    I think the show’s mediocre, and you don’t even watch it. Averaging our scores means The Wire sucks.

    I haven’t seen season 4 yet, though. I’m hoping to get Raptured in the final episode.

  47. 47.

    Dreggas

    The Other Steve Says:

    Look, whatever you think of Brownback, you have to admit there would be worse candidates.

    Like Satan for instance.

    Eh, I dunno, he probably throws one hell of a party.

    After all according to the Chistianists that’s where all the fun people are going.

  48. 48.

    Rome Again

    The Wire sucks

    That has been TZ’s stand all along. I think we just decided we agree. ;)

  49. 49.

    Jake

    An apropos bumper sticker.

    Must. Have. Now.

    Belief in a Higher Power taught to our school children will increase discipline in our public schools, thus increase our economy.

    And I guess if asked for any PROOF to back up this Belief in Higher Power = Discipline = Better Economy Sammy would tell us we need to have faith.

    I also hate it when these clowns say “Higher Power” when you know the mean God as presented by the Bible.

    Reasonable belief that gravity had to have come from an “Intelligent Designer” is just the kind of miracle that America needs.

    Yes. Of course. Because you know the people who are critically ill, the people hoping a loved one will make it back from Iraq in one piece, the people who are without the necessities of life are really praying that we’ll all start to believe in an ID behind gravity.

    You could take the title of the previous post, cross out “federal agencies” and substitute “for president,” but I guess that would confuse folks a bit. It would still make perfect sense tho’.

  52. 52.

    Andrew

    Season 4 of The Wire is better than the Eternal Salvation of your soul. People who would rather see Willie Mays play are the kinds of people who flock in droves to the Inferno.

    Or so I’ve been told. Having never seen The Wire beyond season 2, I wouldn’t know.

    I heard that good Buddhists get reincarnated as a season 4 DVD.

  53. 53.

    Dreggas

    Jake Says:

    And I guess if asked for any PROOF to back up this Belief in Higher Power = Discipline = Better Economy Sammy would tell us we need to have faith.

    I also hate it when these clowns say “Higher Power” when you know the mean God as presented by the Bible.

    And people wonder what’s wrong with Kansas…

  54. 54.

    Zombie Santa Claus

    I heard that good Buddhists get reincarnated as a season 4 DVD.

    Never scratch one, then. You’ll probably get reincarnated as a cockroach or a sea anemone or something.

  57. 57.

    Rome Again

    I was actually not bad in my fourth season.

    The character you played was _______________?

  59. 59.

    jg

    Zombie Santa Claus Says:
    Can someone please tell me why I’m being an asshole about this? Thanks.

    Because you’re doing a shameless TZ impersonation.

    ThymeZone Says:

    I can’t imagine why people wouldn’t cancel their plans and stay home to watch the troubles of drug dealers, addicts, gangbangers and morally conflicted cops. Really. Sometimes reality is just such a paradox, right Santa?

    I think your problem is that you think that’s what the show is about. I bet you thought Jurassic Park was a movie about dinosaurs.

  60. 60.

    OhReally

    Shorter Brownback – I’m a religious nut, I know nothing about science or evolution, and I dress all of my superstitions up in the flowery language of “faith,” which I think is a substitute for rational thought.

  61. 61.

    Zombie Santa Claus

    Because you’re doing a shameless TZ impersonation.

    Fair enough. But I really want to know, here.

    I think your problem is that you think that’s what the show is about. I bet you thought Jurassic Park was a movie about dinosaurs.

    What was it really about? Hubris? Shitty acting? Modern DNA technology? A shitty actor’s shittily-developed burgeoning relationship with shitty child actors he didn’t give a shit about at the beginning of the film?

    Personally, I don’t care what the damn movie was about. The only thing in it WORTH seeing were the dinosaurs.

  62. 62.

    Rome Again

    What was it really about? Hubris? Shitty acting? Modern DNA technology? A shitty actor’s shittily-developed burgeoning relationship with shitty child actors he didn’t give a shit about at the beginning of the film?

    An amusement park, dummy! Weren’t you amused? Didn’t you like laugh your head off when T-Rex tore that guy apart who was sitting on the porta-potty?

  63. 63.

    Dulcie

    Can someone please tell me why I’m being an asshole about this? Thanks.

    Because CGI has ruined classic movies for everyone. Once you’ve seen Spiderman, or The Pirates of the Caribbean, the special effects in old movies looks fake and hokey.

    And the starlet you reference is Tippi Hedren, who is Melanie Griffith’s mom :-)

  64. 64.

    jg

    What was it really about?

    Irresponsible use of enormous power, mistaken belief you can control a living environment. Its funny that Bush considers Chricton to be a friend since the book spells out exactly why the Iraq war had no chance of success.

    BTW I meant the book not the movie. The movie is an adventure ride at Universal studios, the book is actually pretty cool.

  65. 65.

    Andrew

    Wait, there are dinosaurs in seasons 2-4 of The Wire?

    I’m definately going to watch those now. Do the dinosaurs also take macroeconomics? I can only imagine that the velociraptors on the task force smash the stupid modem noise box after the thousandth ring.

  67. 67.

    Walker

    Because CGI has ruined classic movies for everyone. Once you’ve seen Spiderman, or The Pirates of the Caribbean, the special effects in old movies looks fake and hokey.

    Huh? CGI is all smooth and shiny. It is okay if you are dealing with metalic robots. But for cloth or skin it is horrendous. Most of the time they have to shrowd the effects in night or rain to keep it from looking so bad. Hell, I have never seen a CGI skeleton fight that was more realistic looking than Jason and the Argonauts

  68. 68.

    Zombie Santa Claus

    Because CGI has ruined classic movies for everyone. Once you’ve seen Spiderman, or The Pirates of the Caribbean, the special effects in old movies looks fake and hokey

    I’m not even talking about the special effects, I’m talking about how the first third of the movie consists of watching the Paris Hilton archetype traipse around California, trying to get with some guy who was an obnoxious fucking asshole.

    It made me root for the birds. Then again, I was rooting for the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park to eat the obnoxious, shitty actors, so I guess I’m kind of a cold-blooded sociopath.

    Ho ho ho, bitches!

  69. 69.

    Zombie Santa Claus

    And the starlet you reference is Tippi Hedren, who is Melanie Griffith’s mom

    The daughter was hotter. In her prime, anyway.

    BTW I meant the book not the movie. The movie is an adventure ride at Universal studios, the book is actually pretty cool.

    The movie sucks, except for the dinosaurs.

  70. 70.

    ThymeZone

    I think your problem is that you think that’s what the show is about.

    One, I don’t have a problem, and two, I am pretty capable of figuring out what any show is about.

    But thanks for caring. And go fuck yourself.

    I bet you thought Jurassic Park
    was a movie about dinosaurs.

    Here’s a rule: Any time you want to know what I think, you can ask me. Otherwise shut the fuck up.

  71. 71.

    Brian

    I am almost 100% sure that Blogs4Brownback is a very well-constructed spoof site. :)

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