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You are here: Home / This Is War

This Is War

by John Cole|  June 1, 200711:55 am| 81 Comments

This post is in: General Stupidity

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The Hon. Dr. St. Rev. Bradley S. Rocket, Esq, PhD, MD declares war with an outrageous assault on common decency and taste.

This kind of crime against humanity can not be treated lightly, and must be met with an equal display of force:

Further aggression from the insurgents at Sadly, No! will be met with additional measures. If need be, I will commission this fellow to do a remake of Abba’s Dancing Queen. As you can see, I am not afraid of total war, and will go all Vanilla Ice on you.

Here is further proof of my dedication to the cause:

By now, you understand how serious I am.

*** Update ***

The terrorists are scared, and issue threats in our very own comments section:

You don’t want to go here, John. Just trust me. No wanna go :-)

I fear they underestimate my resolve.

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Previous Post: « Dr. Death Is On The Prowl
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Reader Interactions

81Comments

  1. 1.

    filkertom

    June 1, 2007 at 12:08 pm

    Not only does mah head go ‘splodey… but I am actually in a position to personally contribute to the fun:

  2. 2.

    Bubblegum Tate

    June 1, 2007 at 12:08 pm

    Oh wow, you took it to Cold as Ice. It’s like you jumped from Howitzers straight to tactical nukes.

    I just pray you don’t escalate even further and go to the Average Homeboy.

  3. 3.

    filkertom

    June 1, 2007 at 12:10 pm

    Hmph. The embed didn’t work. Ah, well. Try this.

  4. 4.

    Brad R.

    June 1, 2007 at 12:14 pm

    You don’t want to go here, John. Just trust me. No wanna go :-)

  5. 5.

    demimondian

    June 1, 2007 at 12:15 pm

    John, you are the melamine in my catfood.

  6. 6.

    Rob

    June 1, 2007 at 12:21 pm

    How about letting us know this is not “work safe”.

    Bringing up hassel whatever his name is; is NOT work safe. I got it quickly off before I was found out, so no harm done.

  7. 7.

    AkaDad

    June 1, 2007 at 12:28 pm

    I post here and at Sadly,No!, so I must remain neutral like the Swiss…

  8. 8.

    Lee

    June 1, 2007 at 12:32 pm

    Open thread?

    Fort Lewis to only have 1 memorial service per month instead of one for each of the fallen

  9. 9.

    Bubblegum Tate

    June 1, 2007 at 12:37 pm

    I post here and at Sadly,No!, so I must remain neutral like the Swiss…

    Ditto. But I do want to see how this turns out.

  10. 10.

    AkaDad

    June 1, 2007 at 12:44 pm

    But I do want to see how this turns out.

    Definitely. Popcorn is on my diet menu today.

  11. 11.

    Tsulagi

    June 1, 2007 at 12:46 pm

    Okay, okay, good stuff. Abba’s Dancing Queen and Hasselhoff could truly be added to the “enhanced” interrogation techniques at Gitmo. That could soften them up. Then enter The Architect. Game over.

  12. 12.

    eglennb

    June 1, 2007 at 1:03 pm

    Hey, the Shatner vid that started this imbroglio doesn’t deserve the completely asymetric response (the Hasselhoff was particularly cruel). The “Has Been” album is actually quite good.

    Shatner/Rollins rant FTW!

  13. 13.

    Pb

    June 1, 2007 at 1:10 pm

    Shatner can’t compete with Nimoy, though…

  14. 14.

    LITBMueller

    June 1, 2007 at 1:23 pm

    I think being forced to do this during this song for hours on end would be excellent torture.

  15. 15.

    Dave

    June 1, 2007 at 1:23 pm

    Yikes

  16. 16.

    John Cole

    June 1, 2007 at 1:25 pm

    Shatner can’t compete with Nimoy, though…

    damnit. That was my next salvo. Loose lips sink ships- don’t give the terrorists any weapons.

  17. 17.

    LITBMueller

    June 1, 2007 at 1:27 pm

    I think being forced to do this during this song for hours on end would be excellent torture.

  18. 18.

    AkaDad

    June 1, 2007 at 2:11 pm

    I’m pretty sure posting Nimoy, violates the Geneva Conventions…

  19. 19.

    Mary

    June 1, 2007 at 2:27 pm

    I think mentioning Nimoy toasted your WordPress install. I wasn’t able to get in here for minutes — MINUTES!

    Shatner’s Has Been is pretty damn cool. His 60s stuff? Not so much.

  20. 20.

    Ned Raggett

    June 1, 2007 at 2:30 pm

    A friend described ‘response songs’ of this type as an example of the “2nd-to-last Circle of Hell.” Accurate. Can Finland save us?

  21. 21.

    Ned Raggett

    June 1, 2007 at 2:36 pm

    Meantime I’ve just learned about this:

    Legion of Rock Stars pioneered Pure Pleasure, in which the band listens to recordings of classic rock and pop songs on 30dB noise-blocking headsets, and then plays along. Freed from the shackles of practicing, LRS focuses instead on bringing the excitement of a large stadium rock show to the intimate arenas in which it performs.

    An example of instant improvement.

  22. 22.

    Otto Man

    June 1, 2007 at 3:01 pm

    Every time these wars break out, I have but one recommendation — the zodiac songs of the tonally-challenged Harvey Sid Fischer.

    Seriously, I dare you to make it all the way through the fifty seconds of “Leo.”

  23. 23.

    sal

    June 1, 2007 at 3:18 pm

    John,

    I thought you professor types just drank tea and wine at your faculty meetings. Who knew you guys rocked out, and with Native Americans too? Way cool.

  24. 24.

    Rome Again

    June 1, 2007 at 3:20 pm

    Seriously, I dare you to make it all the way through the fifty seconds of “Leo.”

    I could do it, easily!

  25. 25.

    LITBMueller

    June 1, 2007 at 3:24 pm

    Ladies and gentlemen…the incredible talents of our former Attorney General…

  26. 26.

    Dave

    June 1, 2007 at 3:40 pm

    BRING THEM DOWN JOHN! SHOW NO MERCY!!!

    http://youtube.com/watch?v=b2wK4ZY9_6Y

    YATTA!

  27. 27.

    Vladi G

    June 1, 2007 at 3:58 pm

    That stuff’s too old, John. It’s like what originally started these wars. You’re fighting terrorists with spitballs!

  28. 28.

    Otto Man

    June 1, 2007 at 4:07 pm

    I could do it, easily!

    You made it through the part where he sings (?) about “needing more sex than most”? Do you lack a gag reflex?

  29. 29.

    Zifnab

    June 1, 2007 at 4:12 pm

    YATTA!

    God damn. Why? Why would you post that? There are children. Why?

  30. 30.

    Rome Again

    June 1, 2007 at 4:15 pm

    You made it through the part where he sings (?) about “needing more sex than most”? Do you lack a gag reflex?

    I said I could, not that I did. My ears will mend, if there’s something in it for me to endure the hardship, I might give it a shot. ;)

  31. 31.

    sal

    June 1, 2007 at 4:26 pm

    I just watched the Sadly, No video. I actually saw that when first aired.
    Joe Jackson is a musical genius. Saw him on the Blaze of Glory tour, 5 times better than any other concert I’ve ever seen.
    Bill Shatner, well, making a good career out of self deprecation. Better than Yanni, Journey, Asia, Rush, etc.
    Can’t forgive the Hasselhoff, though. Well, I can, but John will have to refer to himself as “KnightRider” from now on.

  32. 32.

    Tom Hilton

    June 1, 2007 at 4:27 pm

    Wow…you’ve discovered the missing link between the Shadows’ (or Ventures’, for those less conversant with instrumental pop) version of Apache and the Sugarhill Gang’s. Very impressive.

  33. 33.

    Tom Hilton

    June 1, 2007 at 4:30 pm

    Also, if you want a truly unique experience, try playing both of the above at the same time.

  34. 34.

    Wilfred

    June 1, 2007 at 5:05 pm

    I agree with Sal. What a great song – a full on, drop dead rocker about class struggle: Joe the Obscure in three chord irony, on the jay leno show , no less. Props to Shatner, too. I loved it

  35. 35.

    Krista

    June 1, 2007 at 5:09 pm

    BRING THEM DOWN JOHN! SHOW NO MERCY

    http://youtube.com/watch?v=b2wK4ZY9_6Y

    YATTA!

    Dear god, why did I click on the link? WHYYYYYYY?

  36. 36.

    mrmobi

    June 1, 2007 at 5:30 pm

    BRING THEM DOWN JOHN! SHOW NO MERCY

    Jesus in a technicolor pantsuit, Krista, what the fuck was that? My psyche has been permanently warped.

  37. 37.

    Crza

    June 1, 2007 at 5:33 pm

    I know, I’m going to hell for linking to this one, sorry. (It may lack the vibrant international mystique of Yatta, but it’s terrifically bad in its own right.)

  38. 38.

    CrabApplez

    June 1, 2007 at 5:58 pm

    Crza, there is in fact a special circle reserved for stuff like that. I’ve a strong constitution, but had to stop early on. In fact, this whole war has taken me places that, well — war is hell, people. Hell.

    Make love, not links.

  39. 39.

    Tsulagi

    June 1, 2007 at 6:00 pm

    YATTA!

    Okay, there is nothing out there that can top THAT.
    I need to believe that.

  40. 40.

    Justin

    June 1, 2007 at 6:30 pm

    Since watching that Yatta video, I’ve been on a totally unexpected and completely unironic endorphin rush.

  41. 41.

    AkaDad

    June 1, 2007 at 6:33 pm

    Posting Yatta is just cruel and unusual punishment…

  42. 42.

    grumpy realist

    June 1, 2007 at 6:53 pm

    Is posting clips of Olivia Newton-John singing from “Xanadu” considered escalation or de-escalation?

    Oh, and then there’s Connie Chung draping herself over the piano singing torch songs. That one’s DEFINITELY gotta fall under the Geneva treaty….

  43. 43.

    sal

    June 1, 2007 at 6:58 pm

    John shouldn’t throw stones. Here’s him at his best Northern Soul:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v9A6ac05qfo

  44. 44.

    demimondian

    June 1, 2007 at 7:03 pm

    You asked for it…

    http://youtube.com/watch?v=1Pw4Nn99vlU

    CELINE!

  45. 45.

    demimondian

    June 1, 2007 at 7:05 pm

    Or, to truly fight to the pain…

    Steve and Bill’s Excellent Adventure

  46. 46.

    Krista

    June 1, 2007 at 8:32 pm

    mmrobi, it wasn’t me, it was Dave! I just made the horrible mistake of blockquoting the link, and you were the innocent victim.

  47. 47.

    demimondian

    June 1, 2007 at 9:32 pm

    Ok, you losers…

    I give you Rhapsody of Fire!

  48. 48.

    Tulkinghorn

    June 1, 2007 at 9:58 pm

    Howabout…

    homoerotic Turkish Eurovision music??

  49. 49.

    The Other Steve

    June 1, 2007 at 10:33 pm

    You made me do it

  50. 50.

    The Other Steve

    June 1, 2007 at 10:40 pm

    The Green IPod?

  51. 51.

    The Other Steve

    June 1, 2007 at 10:42 pm

    Death By Dachshund!

  52. 52.

    Walker

    June 1, 2007 at 11:54 pm

    Or, to truly fight to the pain…

    Steve and Bill’s Excellent Adventure

    Infinitely superior Bill Gates

  53. 53.

    bct

    June 2, 2007 at 12:58 am

    This is pulling back from the brink a bit.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoGj4sAGWJY

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8iw6l2ikyPE

  54. 54.

    Andrew

    June 2, 2007 at 1:26 am

    Eurovision is almost unfair. It’s like a fucking .44 magnum in response to a snide comment.

    That said, eat it Sadly, No!

  55. 55.

    Ned R.

    June 2, 2007 at 2:26 am

    I have only just recovered from the Yatta flashback.

  56. 56.

    Dave

    June 2, 2007 at 3:04 am

    Yes, I take credit (blame?) for Yatta. That stupid song has been stuck in my head for waaaaaay to long. But it has the potential to sink even the cruelest postings.

    In my defense, well I have no defense. I like S,N but figured John Cole might need to break out the big guns, and that is the biggest gun in my arsenal.

  57. 57.

    jake

    June 2, 2007 at 5:19 am

    demimondian Says:

    You asked for it…

    http://youtube.com/watch?v=1Pw4Nn99vlU

    CELINE!

    Dude! Celine? Why not just drop a few nukes and then sprinkle small pox on the survivors? Actually, that would be much kinder.

  58. 58.

    Ned R.

    June 2, 2007 at 9:52 am

    “What are you doing, Ugly Bob?”

    “I’m doing Celine Dion, what does it look like?”

  59. 59.

    demimondian

    June 2, 2007 at 10:25 am

    Celine? Why not just drop a few nukes and then sprinkle small pox on the survivors? Actually, that would be much kinder.

    [evil overlord laugh]

  60. 60.

    Fruitbat

    June 2, 2007 at 11:04 am

    Today’s generation have immunized themselves against most of that 70s stuff. You gotta hit them with something that speaks their…um…language.

  61. 61.

    Fruitbat

    June 2, 2007 at 11:06 am

    Hm. Link didn’t come through. Let’s try this…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pnoaj8b2bGM

  62. 62.

    Jon H

    June 2, 2007 at 11:21 am

    That Shatner vid was pretty cool, what with featuring Ben Folds and Joe Jackson.

    It’s good to see Joe Jackson rocking like the old days of “Got the Time” and “I’m the Man”.

  63. 63.

    AkaDad

    June 2, 2007 at 11:21 am

    Fruitbat has clearly read the Art of War…

  64. 64.

    Rex

    June 2, 2007 at 11:30 am

    Near as I can tell, Cole acted totally out of scale on this one. The Shat vid has lots of redeeming characteristics and is actually pretty good but to retaliate with Apache and The Hoff? Out of line.

  65. 65.

    Otto Man

    June 2, 2007 at 11:37 am

    Near as I can tell, Cole acted totally out of scale on this one.

    You know what happiness is to John? To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.

  66. 66.

    demimondian

    June 2, 2007 at 12:04 pm

    Fruitbat, be warned. We here in the demi-bunker rule out no options in the defense of our eyes and sanity. If you do not reconsider your current inanity reprocessing strategy, we do not rule out going all postmodern Eurotrash metal hair music on your ass.

    Be warned.

  67. 67.

    Rome Again

    June 2, 2007 at 3:48 pm

    If you do not reconsider your current inanity reprocessing strategy, we do not rule out going all postmodern Eurotrash metal hair music on your ass.

    I’d rethink that strategy if I were you, Fruitbat. Demi sounds serious.

  68. 68.

    Fruitbat

    June 2, 2007 at 4:37 pm

    Demi, no matter how trashy your Euro may be, I fear it not. For I have seen the dark side of today’s musicks and come out the other side. Whatever detritus I present here is out of the goodness of my heart.

    The well is bottomless.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2_5edxArGT8

  69. 69.

    demimondian

    June 2, 2007 at 7:26 pm

    Oh, Fruitbat, Fruitbat. You were warned.

    http://youtube.com/watch?v=ejLtDJ5V-9g

    Ph33r my deep well of corrvpshun!

  70. 70.

    Fruitbat

    June 2, 2007 at 10:53 pm

    Demi, what kind of Newgrounds, Lemon Demon-wannabe crap was that supposed to be? You wanna bring it, you better come with something harder than a technerd armed with a stutter camera and a book of Mad Libs.

    Here’s some shrapnel back at your face. Pay special attention to the stealthy, pantherlike way the singer stalks the stage. The unorthodox interpretation of the keyboards. The…um…guitar solo.

    http://youtube.com/watch?v=jAaw9KDlc3Y

    You watched it. You can’t un-watch it.

  71. 71.

    demimondian

    June 2, 2007 at 11:37 pm

    OK, F.B. OK. You just asked for it.

    http://youtube.com/watch?v=cotstJcowpo

    Notice the remarkable garb on the lead singer. Notice the beards. Notice that the fact that you can’t udnerstand the words doesn’t make the song any less bad.

  72. 72.

    Fruitbat

    June 3, 2007 at 12:49 am

    Meh. That’s run-of-the-mill death metal. Just happens to be in another language. Nothing your average dissatisfied South Dakotan teenager wouldn’t have in his collection to piss off his parents.

    No, if you want to make the demons clear their throats and check their watches in embarrassment, you have to show them something truly ludicrous bandied about in their name.

    You’ll ask yourself “when does this become music?”

    http://youtube.com/watch?v=gD_5Tp7W-Gg

  73. 73.

    demimondian

    June 3, 2007 at 11:12 am

    F.B. — be warned. We retain an arsenal containing “music” from _The Place of Skulls_.

    At this point, I wonder, though, if you and I should join forces against a Greater Enemy, and march together upon the infidels at Sadly, No!

  74. 74.

    Ole

    June 3, 2007 at 11:14 am

    For what it’s worth, the Apache guy Tommy Seebach was the real Eurovision schlager pop-thingy deal in Denmark.

    He participated in the Danish qualification contest 8 times and won it 3 times.

    Links for the winning songs here:

    1979 – Disco Tango

    1981

    1993

    He died in march 2003. You be the judge if any of the above qualify for a massive retaliation strike against Sadly No!.

  75. 75.

    Ole

    June 3, 2007 at 11:19 am

    1993

    1981

    Better this time … and boy! do I miss the old days of the Eurovision Song Contest.

  76. 76.

    Perry Como

    June 3, 2007 at 11:28 am

    D&D Rock

  77. 77.

    AkaDad

    June 3, 2007 at 11:43 am

    If I wasn’t neutral like the Swiss, I would post this…

  78. 78.

    Rex

    June 3, 2007 at 12:35 pm

    It is very distressing to see that the loyalists here have given themselves over to infighting whilst the legions of Sadly, No! root their patron on to even more glorious salvos.

    Demi and Fruitbat, why do you hate Balloon Juice?

  79. 79.

    Fruitbat

    June 3, 2007 at 1:25 pm

    I hate Balloon Juice because Balloon Juice hates America. Isn’t it obvious?

    Hey, I never said these couldn’t be outsourced as projectiles against the Sadly, No! Infidels. By all means, relay them. Right in their faces.

    Here are a couple more gems. First, something truly diabolical…from the Diabolical one himself.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_rII783lD0

    And the winner of the Least Successful Remarketing of a former Sex Symbol and Batman Villainess award…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbg5i6TI5xg

Comments are closed.

Trackbacks

  1. Sadly, No! says:
    June 3, 2007 at 9:34 am

    […] Dear Mr. Cole, […]

  2. Balloon Juice says:
    June 3, 2007 at 12:05 pm

    […] The terrorists have responded from our earlier defensive actions, and the results are terrifying. With that last salvo, it is clear that complete and total war has been declared, and we must attack with all of our might with this weapon provided by one of our patriotic citizens: […]

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