Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Come on, media. you have one job. start doing it.

fuckem (in honor of the late great efgoldman)

Fight for a just cause, love your fellow man, live a good life.

I’d try pessimism, but it probably wouldn’t work.

There is no compromise when it comes to body autonomy. You either have it or you don’t.

I like political parties that aren’t owned by foreign adversaries.

You don’t get rid of your umbrella while it’s still raining.

It’s all just conspiracy shit beamed down from the mothership.

President Musk and Trump are both poorly raised, coddled 8 year old boys.

There are more Russians standing up to Putin than Republicans.

The arc of history bends toward the same old fuckery.

“Jesus paying for the sins of everyone is an insult to those who paid for their own sins.”

The words do not have to be perfect.

Impressively dumb. Congratulations.

The gop is a fucking disgrace.

If you cannot answer whether trump lost the 2020 election, you are unfit for office.

Authoritarian republicans are opposed to freedom for the rest of us.

Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Let me file that under fuck it.

Republican speaker of the house Mike Johnson is the bland and smiling face of evil.

When you’re in more danger from the IDF than from Russian shelling, that’s really bad.

Red lights blinking on democracy’s dashboard

Ron DeSantis, the grand wizard, oops, governor of FL.

When we show up, we win.

You are here: Home / This Is War

This Is War

by | 81 Comments

This post is in: 

The Hon. Dr. St. Rev. Bradley S. Rocket, Esq, PhD, MD declares war with an outrageous assault on common decency and taste.

This kind of crime against humanity can not be treated lightly, and must be met with an equal display of force:

Further aggression from the insurgents at Sadly, No! will be met with additional measures. If need be, I will commission this fellow to do a remake of Abba’s Dancing Queen. As you can see, I am not afraid of total war, and will go all Vanilla Ice on you.

Here is further proof of my dedication to the cause:

By now, you understand how serious I am.

*** Update ***

The terrorists are scared, and issue threats in our very own comments section:

You don’t want to go here, John. Just trust me. No wanna go :-)

I fear they underestimate my resolve.

Reader Interactions

81Comments

  2. 2.

    Bubblegum Tate

    Oh wow, you took it to Cold as Ice. It’s like you jumped from Howitzers straight to tactical nukes.

    I just pray you don’t escalate even further and go to the Average Homeboy.

  6. 6.

    Rob

    How about letting us know this is not “work safe”.

    Bringing up hassel whatever his name is; is NOT work safe. I got it quickly off before I was found out, so no harm done.

  9. 9.

    Bubblegum Tate

    I post here and at Sadly,No!, so I must remain neutral like the Swiss…

    Ditto. But I do want to see how this turns out.

  10. 10.

    AkaDad

    But I do want to see how this turns out.

    Definitely. Popcorn is on my diet menu today.

  11. 11.

    Tsulagi

    Okay, okay, good stuff. Abba’s Dancing Queen and Hasselhoff could truly be added to the “enhanced” interrogation techniques at Gitmo. That could soften them up. Then enter The Architect. Game over.

  12. 12.

    eglennb

    Hey, the Shatner vid that started this imbroglio doesn’t deserve the completely asymetric response (the Hasselhoff was particularly cruel). The “Has Been” album is actually quite good.

    Shatner/Rollins rant FTW!

  16. 16.

    John Cole

    Shatner can’t compete with Nimoy, though…

    damnit. That was my next salvo. Loose lips sink ships- don’t give the terrorists any weapons.

  19. 19.

    Mary

    I think mentioning Nimoy toasted your WordPress install. I wasn’t able to get in here for minutes — MINUTES!

    Shatner’s Has Been is pretty damn cool. His 60s stuff? Not so much.

  21. 21.

    Ned Raggett

    Meantime I’ve just learned about this:

    Legion of Rock Stars pioneered Pure Pleasure, in which the band listens to recordings of classic rock and pop songs on 30dB noise-blocking headsets, and then plays along. Freed from the shackles of practicing, LRS focuses instead on bringing the excitement of a large stadium rock show to the intimate arenas in which it performs.

    An example of instant improvement.

  22. 22.

    Otto Man

    Every time these wars break out, I have but one recommendation — the zodiac songs of the tonally-challenged Harvey Sid Fischer.

    Seriously, I dare you to make it all the way through the fifty seconds of “Leo.”

  23. 23.

    sal

    John,

    I thought you professor types just drank tea and wine at your faculty meetings. Who knew you guys rocked out, and with Native Americans too? Way cool.

  24. 24.

    Rome Again

    Seriously, I dare you to make it all the way through the fifty seconds of “Leo.”

    I could do it, easily!

  27. 27.

    Vladi G

    That stuff’s too old, John. It’s like what originally started these wars. You’re fighting terrorists with spitballs!

  28. 28.

    Otto Man

    I could do it, easily!

    You made it through the part where he sings (?) about “needing more sex than most”? Do you lack a gag reflex?

  30. 30.

    Rome Again

    You made it through the part where he sings (?) about “needing more sex than most”? Do you lack a gag reflex?

    I said I could, not that I did. My ears will mend, if there’s something in it for me to endure the hardship, I might give it a shot. ;)

  31. 31.

    sal

    I just watched the Sadly, No video. I actually saw that when first aired.
    Joe Jackson is a musical genius. Saw him on the Blaze of Glory tour, 5 times better than any other concert I’ve ever seen.
    Bill Shatner, well, making a good career out of self deprecation. Better than Yanni, Journey, Asia, Rush, etc.
    Can’t forgive the Hasselhoff, though. Well, I can, but John will have to refer to himself as “KnightRider” from now on.

  32. 32.

    Tom Hilton

    Wow…you’ve discovered the missing link between the Shadows’ (or Ventures’, for those less conversant with instrumental pop) version of Apache and the Sugarhill Gang’s. Very impressive.

  34. 34.

    Wilfred

    I agree with Sal. What a great song – a full on, drop dead rocker about class struggle: Joe the Obscure in three chord irony, on the jay leno show , no less. Props to Shatner, too. I loved it

  36. 36.

    mrmobi

    BRING THEM DOWN JOHN! SHOW NO MERCY

    Jesus in a technicolor pantsuit, Krista, what the fuck was that? My psyche has been permanently warped.

  37. 37.

    Crza

    I know, I’m going to hell for linking to this one, sorry. (It may lack the vibrant international mystique of Yatta, but it’s terrifically bad in its own right.)

  38. 38.

    CrabApplez

    Crza, there is in fact a special circle reserved for stuff like that. I’ve a strong constitution, but had to stop early on. In fact, this whole war has taken me places that, well — war is hell, people. Hell.

    Make love, not links.

  39. 39.

    Tsulagi

    YATTA!

    Okay, there is nothing out there that can top THAT.
    I need to believe that.

  40. 40.

    Justin

    Since watching that Yatta video, I’ve been on a totally unexpected and completely unironic endorphin rush.

  42. 42.

    grumpy realist

    Is posting clips of Olivia Newton-John singing from “Xanadu” considered escalation or de-escalation?

    Oh, and then there’s Connie Chung draping herself over the piano singing torch songs. That one’s DEFINITELY gotta fall under the Geneva treaty….

  46. 46.

    Krista

    mmrobi, it wasn’t me, it was Dave! I just made the horrible mistake of blockquoting the link, and you were the innocent victim.

  56. 56.

    Dave

    Yes, I take credit (blame?) for Yatta. That stupid song has been stuck in my head for waaaaaay to long. But it has the potential to sink even the cruelest postings.

    In my defense, well I have no defense. I like S,N but figured John Cole might need to break out the big guns, and that is the biggest gun in my arsenal.

  58. 58.

    Ned R.

    “What are you doing, Ugly Bob?”

    “I’m doing Celine Dion, what does it look like?”

  59. 59.

    demimondian

    Celine? Why not just drop a few nukes and then sprinkle small pox on the survivors? Actually, that would be much kinder.

    [evil overlord laugh]

  60. 60.

    Fruitbat

    Today’s generation have immunized themselves against most of that 70s stuff. You gotta hit them with something that speaks their…um…language.

  62. 62.

    Jon H

    That Shatner vid was pretty cool, what with featuring Ben Folds and Joe Jackson.

    It’s good to see Joe Jackson rocking like the old days of “Got the Time” and “I’m the Man”.

  64. 64.

    Rex

    Near as I can tell, Cole acted totally out of scale on this one. The Shat vid has lots of redeeming characteristics and is actually pretty good but to retaliate with Apache and The Hoff? Out of line.

  65. 65.

    Otto Man

    Near as I can tell, Cole acted totally out of scale on this one.

    You know what happiness is to John? To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.

  66. 66.

    demimondian

    Fruitbat, be warned. We here in the demi-bunker rule out no options in the defense of our eyes and sanity. If you do not reconsider your current inanity reprocessing strategy, we do not rule out going all postmodern Eurotrash metal hair music on your ass.

    Be warned.

  67. 67.

    Rome Again

    If you do not reconsider your current inanity reprocessing strategy, we do not rule out going all postmodern Eurotrash metal hair music on your ass.

    I’d rethink that strategy if I were you, Fruitbat. Demi sounds serious.

  70. 70.

    Fruitbat

    Demi, what kind of Newgrounds, Lemon Demon-wannabe crap was that supposed to be? You wanna bring it, you better come with something harder than a technerd armed with a stutter camera and a book of Mad Libs.

    Here’s some shrapnel back at your face. Pay special attention to the stealthy, pantherlike way the singer stalks the stage. The unorthodox interpretation of the keyboards. The…um…guitar solo.

    http://youtube.com/watch?v=jAaw9KDlc3Y

    You watched it. You can’t un-watch it.

  72. 72.

    Fruitbat

    Meh. That’s run-of-the-mill death metal. Just happens to be in another language. Nothing your average dissatisfied South Dakotan teenager wouldn’t have in his collection to piss off his parents.

    No, if you want to make the demons clear their throats and check their watches in embarrassment, you have to show them something truly ludicrous bandied about in their name.

    You’ll ask yourself “when does this become music?”

    http://youtube.com/watch?v=gD_5Tp7W-Gg

  73. 73.

    demimondian

    F.B. — be warned. We retain an arsenal containing “music” from _The Place of Skulls_.

    At this point, I wonder, though, if you and I should join forces against a Greater Enemy, and march together upon the infidels at Sadly, No!

  74. 74.

    Ole

    For what it’s worth, the Apache guy Tommy Seebach was the real Eurovision schlager pop-thingy deal in Denmark.

    He participated in the Danish qualification contest 8 times and won it 3 times.

    Links for the winning songs here:

    1979 – Disco Tango

    1981

    1993

    He died in march 2003. You be the judge if any of the above qualify for a massive retaliation strike against Sadly No!.

  78. 78.

    Rex

    It is very distressing to see that the loyalists here have given themselves over to infighting whilst the legions of Sadly, No! root their patron on to even more glorious salvos.

    Demi and Fruitbat, why do you hate Balloon Juice?

  79. 79.

    Fruitbat

    I hate Balloon Juice because Balloon Juice hates America. Isn’t it obvious?

    Hey, I never said these couldn’t be outsourced as projectiles against the Sadly, No! Infidels. By all means, relay them. Right in their faces.

    Here are a couple more gems. First, something truly diabolical…from the Diabolical one himself.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_rII783lD0

    And the winner of the Least Successful Remarketing of a former Sex Symbol and Batman Villainess award…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbg5i6TI5xg

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  2. […] The terrorists have responded from our earlier defensive actions, and the results are terrifying. With that last salvo, it is clear that complete and total war has been declared, and we must attack with all of our might with this weapon provided by one of our patriotic citizens: […]