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You are here: Home / Shock And Awe

Shock And Awe

by | 42 Comments

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The terrorists have responded from our earlier defensive actions, and the results are terrifying. With that last salvo, it is clear that complete and total war has been declared, and we must attack with all of our might with this weapon provided by one of our patriotic citizens:

What better way to send a message to the terrorists than this display of unity and resolve that demonstrates our total committment to all that is good?

In addition to our actions against those who have attacked our homeland, my advisors and I have decided that in order to make sure this sort of cowardly attack never happens again on our soil, we must wage pre-emptive war on a second front against the vicious scum at the Poorman Institute. The facts are clear:

1.) They have weapons of mass distruction and frequently use them on their own population.
2.) They have displayed a willingness to terrorize, and have known and established links with the folks at Sadly, No!.
3.) They have attacked us in the past, and will do so again if left to their own devices.
4.) The CIA has informed me that they are, at this very moment, working towards weapons of even greater power.

The evidence that they are an imminent threat is clear and unambiguous. Containment has failed, and as the decider, I have decided that I must wage pre-emptive war. These are troubling times, and I hope that you pray for our troops as we enter this difficult second phase. I have been assured that we will be greeted as liberators once the leadership at the Poorman is defeated.

As we speak, I am assembling a coalition of the willing. I have reached out to the Brits and the Russians, who, in addition to being long time allies, have proven that they are capable of waging this type of warfare. The French refuse to return our phone calls.

By now you have surveyed the evidence we have assembled, and surely you understand why Shock and Awe is necessary:

I hope you understand why I must take these drastic steps. And remember, they hate us for our freedoms.

Reader Interactions

42Comments

  1. 1.

    Keith

    As bad as the Macho Man rap album is, I have that’s even worse: Hulk Hogan and the Wrestling Boot Band’s opus “Hulk Rules”. Not only is there rap, but also rock and a hilariously sappy ballad played on what sounds like a Casio SK-1 keyboard.

  4. 4.

    RSA

    Someone’s probably already mentioned this in the other thread, but all I have to say in response to the first video link is this: America, Fuck Yeah.

  8. 8.

    Dulcie

    And one of my wife’s favorite songs. Sigh.

    I know a guy who cries whenever he hears this song, because it moves him to tears.

  9. 9.

    Rex

    Here’s one for the armory.

    Let them know the perils they court when they dare transgress against the homeland. Fight them over there so that we don’t have to fight them over here. I trust that you have already dispatched covert officers to hide in their comments section and study their movements.

  10. 10.

    RSA

    Worst.video.ever

    Let’s have a moment of silence for the passing artistic demise of Grace Slick.

  11. 11.

    AkaDad

    While watching that Hot Chocolate vid, the atrocity of it, actually made me cry…

  12. 12.

    Keith

    Here’s one for the armory.

    I’m really, really hoping the emergence of Mitt Romney doesn’t mean the Osmonds start showing up more and more on my television.

  17. 17.

    p.lukasiak

    I don’t want to say its cheesy, but I think I may be very seriously constipated now…

  18. 18.

    p.lukasiak

    I think my favorite moment is when we see the woman standing in front of a tombstone with her infant, and there is a picture of dead soldier husband flashed on the screen…

    but the FREAKING TOMBSTONE IS AT LEAST 50 YEARS OLD…

  19. 19.

    demimondian

    But, John, should we not be carrying our righteous wrath to the terrorists? Should we not be inflicting these videos on Sadly, No!, fighting them over there, so we do not have to fight them here?

  21. 21.

    jake

    More weapons for the WaT:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86a6if6bfBI

    Warning – Watching this one will send you straight to Hell. Leave it in a place where the enemy will trigger it and get the fuck out of there:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KiAvmzcZbg&NR=1

    but the FREAKING TOMBSTONE IS AT LEAST 50 YEARS OLD…

    I thought I was in the clear once I got past the Mt. Rushmore bit. Alas, the ancient tombstone was too much. Maybe I was supposed to be so overcome with patriotic fervour, or fury at the ceaseless desecration of the flag, that I didn’t notice.

  23. 23.

    PAULQX

    So sorry but I just wanted to kick that idiot in his store bought pre-ripped jeans in the balls. Does that make me un-american?

  26. 26.

    Andrew

    Finish him!

    I love seeing these little moments of hoyay between bloggers.

    Oh look—it’s Carl Lewis.

    Fatality!

    Mary wins.

  27. 27.

    Andrew

    Worst.video.ever

    Didn’t we decide in the other thread that We Built This City is the best song of all time? Or worst? I dunno, but Rock & Roll Abe Lincoln has to count for something.

  28. 28.

    Devil's Advocate

    Who is this moron in the video? How come he has not enlisted yet? Oh Right! He is carrying on in a different way… Just like Cheney, Bush, Thompson (the L&O one), and a vast majority of the GOP a*holes in Congress who are either young enough to enlist or have offsprings of enlisting age.

    Whoever this imbecile in the video is, please do not nuy his CDs until he decides to get his delusional butt over to Iraq.

  30. 30.

    taodon

    I can’t believe Patricia Tallman was in that video. It makes me cry for Babylon 5.

    And no, just because it kinda rhymes doesn’t mean you can make a frickin patriotic song out of it!

  31. 31.

    jake

    So sorry but I just wanted to kick that idiot in his store bought pre-ripped jeans in the balls. Does that make me un-american?

    If so, the fact that I wanted to stuff that flag he kept smooching down his gob and strangle him with that bandana tied around his knee makes me French or something.

    Hearken to the words of the great man himself:

    Was there a style that you wanted to emulate?

    No, not at all. I can’t play anyone, I don’t know their songs. I only know my own. I love all the artists out there, the Beatles, the Monkees..etc They were certainly inspiration though to forward with this, but this was totally original.

    The … Monkees?

    But I’m afraid that in spreading this piece of drek Mr. Cole has unwittingly taken part in fulfilling the dreams of a fashion-comatose megalomaniac:

    Do you think this anthem will still be playing in 100 years?

    I believe that it will be around for longer than that. Just like the old black and white films that people still watch today. I believe our song is a special and rare thing. I know that it has gotten to and comforted many people. It will be around for a long time after I pass away. 100 years or 1000 years from now, it will always be a message from our loved ones. It will surge until it reaches every one on its own. Everyday! Someone clicks on the song and it’s a new thing!

    Forever and ever and ever, mahahahaaaa!

    I’d never heard of this disaster until Cole deployed it against the enemy. I might have lived my life without knowing it existed. Now. It’s in my head. Like the rabies virus. Dear God, please say there’s a cure!

  32. 32.

    The Other Steve

    The terrorists have responded from our earlier defensive actions, and the results are terrifying. With that last salvo, it is clear that complete and total war has been declared, and we must attack with all of our might with this weapon provided by one of our patriotic citizens:

    I wheap for the masses who are subjected to that crap.

  34. 34.

    canuckistani

    I have Leonard Nimoy singing The Ballad of Biblo Baggins in a lead-lined vault. Don’t force me to use it.

  35. 35.

    canuckistani

    I have Leonard Nimoy singing The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins in a lead-lined vault. Don’t force me to use it.

  39. 39.

    canuckistani

    Pb-
    Crap. I stopped reading your post at the Dennis Madalone link, which caused blood to pour from all of my orifices. You did beat me to it, and yes, it is very sad…

  40. 40.

    capelza

    Hey…I loved Arthur Brown….and his drummer was the hotness to my 12 y/o hormonal fire!!!

  42. 42.

    just sayin

    Who knew Horshak could sing?

    And if he loves America so much, you’d think he’d pronounce it properly – Ameruhcuh?

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