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Contest! Which story most strongly makes you want to gag someone with a f*cking spoon?

* The GOP threatens a “meltdown” if Dems don’t approve every single Bush judicial nominee right now. Somewhere Orrin Hatch is pouring a tall bourbon and giggling.

* Joe Lieberman acts outraged that soldiers who think his Iraq happy talk is insane did not say so to his face.

* “Paris has been crying on the phone, saying she’s not sleeping or eating. Paris says her cell is ‘freezing cold.’ She has three little blankets and no pillow. She’s using one of the blankets as a pillow. The room is bright and jail noise echoes through her space,” TMZ said, quoting sources.

Vote in the comments.

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55Comments

  2. 2.

    The Other Steve

    Paris has had a hard life. you should be more sympathetic.

    She should just be glad she didn’t give a BJ to a 15 year old, or she’d be in for 10 years.

  3. 3.

    The Other Steve

    Oops.. Wait, they only give 90 days for an adult women giving a BJ to a 15 year old male. It’s 10 years if it’s 15 year old female giving a BJ to an adult male.

    Oh yes, and it appears Paris is going back to prison. Let’s help her out by sending gifts to the LA county prison system. Maybe a blanket or two.

  5. 5.

    Z

    1. F*ck the GOP
    2. Leiberman
    3. Paris – This one doesn’t make me gag. It makes me laugh. Was she expecting jail to be Club Med.?

  6. 6.

    Tom

    So how much did Team Hilton pay TMZ to act as their spokeshole? “Exclusive” doesn’t come cheap.

  7. 7.

    tBone

    I thought “TMZ” stood for ThymeZone for a minute there.

    Anyway, I vote for Lieberman. He and McCain must have a contest to see who can be the biggest ass-crater with regards to Iraq happy shiny pony talk.

  8. 8.

    pharniel

    my cousin did 5 years for doing a grand total of 2k worth of damage to vehicles when he shot out some with an air pistol one day.

    he was 16 at the time.

    If prison is so horrible then perhaps mrs. hilton and her supporters should be working to reforme the prision ssytem instead of mearly trying to get out of it.

    shorter pharniel -> suck it up and take it like an adult bitch.

    joe liberman is a tool. one should not get upset when the water gets you wet, when the fire burns your or when joe liberman throws a tantrum everytime he is exposed as a tool.

    and the gop can go fuck it’s self sideways, twice on sunday.

  9. 9.

    Robert A. Becker

    Two points:

    1. Reinstating the full 45 day term seems excessive, since she didn’t jump bail or tunnel out of the lockup, she was released by the sheriff. Reinstating the old term [what was it, 23 days?] seems right.

    2. Out of this entire ridiculous celebrity soap opera, let us all hope one good thing emerges. Reports have Ms. Hilton crying out for her mother as she was led to the lockup again. Can we hope, at least, that having to deal with her sentence on her own for the next three weeks at least, will go some way toward making her more of an adult? And one willing to recognize she is responsible for the consequences of her own actions? That’s the only beneficial outcome I can see [and not a very likely one] to the mess.

  12. 12.

    Chad N. Freude

    From the meltdown story at Carpetbagger:

    Republican leaders yesterday threatened a “total shutdown” of Senate business if Democrats keep holding up President Bush’s appointments to the federal bench.

    That’s because the last time they did this (under Newt, remember?) it was SO-O-O successful.

    This is far and away the most galling of the three top idiocies of the day (I’m channeling Keith Olbermann). Lieberman’s fauxtrage is beneath contempt, and as for Little Orphan Paris … well, I thought she had people to serve time for her. I think a more fitting sentence would have been thirty days of really washing real cars while really eating real Burger King burgers.

  13. 13.

    Tsulagi

    Tough choices, Tim, tough choices. But I refuse to be limited to one. Fuck ‘em all.

    Well, except maybe Paris. I saw her video. She really sucks in bed, and I’m not talking just about her oral talents.

    Here’s something we can all add to our family albums. A picture of our great, great, great…grandma at play with the raptors in her garden 6,000 years ago. Granny looks like she found Haggard’s meth, but she also looks great in her victorian kind of hippie dress. The Creation Museum captured her essence.

  15. 15.

    ET

    I was going to say the GOP meltdown over judicial confirmations. But then I heard that Paris is going back to jail and was whining about how it isn’t fair – so I’m torn.

  16. 16.

    Chad N. Freude

    Robert Becker asks:

    Can we hope, at least, that having to deal with her sentence on her own for the next three weeks at least, will go some way toward making her more of an adult? And one willing to recognize she is responsible for the consequences of her own actions?

    No.

  17. 17.

    Zombie Santa Claus

    Tough choices, Tim, tough choices. But I refuse to be limited to one. Fuck ‘em all.

    Paris is whiny, Lieberman is whiny and looks like he has a douchebag in his mouth, and the Republicans are whiny and look like they’re going to get fucked up the ass next election. How do you choose between such options?

    Well, except maybe Paris. I saw her video. She really sucks in bed, and I’m not talking just about her oral talents.

    Ho ho ho!

  18. 18.

    taoless

    1 makes me happy, because it’ll backfire and they’ll look like idjits (again).

    2 is dog bites man. lieberman’s a tool, and the whole state of connecticut ought to be gagged with that spoon.
    3 also makes me happy, because if anyone deserves to suffer, it’s paris. perhaps if she’s in there long enough, she will also be gagged, though i doubt it’ll be with a spoon.

    tough call, but i’m going to go with paris, because joe at least did some good in the ’60s.

  20. 20.

    Justin

    Sara Silverman said that, to make Paris feel more at home, they painted the bars of her cell to look like penises. She just hoped that Paris didn’t chip a tooth.

    God, I hope the Dems take a bunch more senate seats in ’08, so they can kick Lieberman to the curb.

  21. 21.

    grumpy realist

    1. GOP acting like a spoiled brat 3 year old
    2. Liebercritter whining.
    3. Paris being the tempermental twit she always has.

    Order picked because of number of people involved and at least our elected politicians should act like adults. Right?

    Christ, is there a virus going around or something? Squalid brat stupidity?

    No wonder the Europeans think we’re all nuts. And Putin can run rings around Bush when it comes to negotiation tactics.

  22. 22.

    mrmobi

    That’s because the last time they did this (under Newt, remember?) it was SO-O-O successful.

    I’m with you Chad. Clearly, among its’ other faults, the Party of Torture cannot learn from past mistakes. Go ahead, shut the government down, for all the good it’s doing. Make my day. Do you feel lucky, punk? Well, do you?

    Holy Joe is a very close second, though. I happened to catch him (on CNN, I think) feeling hurt that the soldiers don’t feel they can tell him the truth. (because no one in the current administration would try to dishonorably discharge a soldier who isn’t with the program, would they?)

    Sorry to say, Paris H doesn’t even make my list. Why are you picking on her? I prefer women with active brain cells, but she is lovely. I’d put the Creation Museum in third place. They’ve got a tricertaops with a saddle, for fuck’s sake!

  23. 23.

    Chad N. Freude

    Paris H doesn’t even make my list. Why are you picking on her?

    I live in LA. All Paris all the time.

  24. 24.

    Ricky

    I feel like this is a reallllly bad sci-fi movie.

    1) Fuck the GOP
    2) L asshole should STFU
    3) Paris it is called JAIL FOR A REASON, STFU

    Now for something important BEER.

  25. 25.

    canuckistani

    Between these three and the Creation Museum, it’s like a Perfect Storm of Stupidity! I’m going to go and kill my brain cells with whisky!

  28. 28.

    Chad N. Freude

    Extracted from a NYTimes article (that gives the lovely and talented Ms. Hilton far more space than her tragedy merits:

    A judge today ordered Paris Hilton back to jail, reversing a decision by the Los Angeles County sheriff to release her and keep her under house arrest after she had served only three days of a 45-day sentence.

    Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer said that Ms. Hilton will have to serve the entire sentence he had handed down last month for repeatedly violating the terms of her probation on alcohol-related reckless driving charges stemming from an incident last year.

    The hearing was delayed for more than an hour when Ms. Hilton and her lawyers insisted that she be allowed to talk to the judge by telephone, instead of appearing in person. The judge would not allow it, and ordered a sheriff’s deputy to drive to Ms. Hilton’s mansion in the Hollywood Hills, where she was handcuffed and brought in.

    Ms. Hilton entered the courtroom, where her parents were also waiting, and sobbed as she awaited the judge’s appearance.

  29. 29.

    Dreggas

    Chad N. Freude Says:

    Paris H doesn’t even make my list. Why are you picking on her?
    I live in LA. All Paris all the time.

    It’s the same down here in OC. Of course that’s because we get L.A. channels. Fortunately Fox 11 has given this story the snark it deserves.

  31. 31.

    Chad N. Freude

    What’s really sad about the Paris Hilton story is that she will eventually emerge from jail without any sense that she is just a person, like everybody else, subject to the same rules of behavior and responsibilities to the law, other people, and civilization in general. Instead, she will feel like a Holocaust survivor who has been subjected to persecution and unspeakable torture by inhuman monsters.

  32. 32.

    Jake

    Just one ordinary table or soup spoon?

    None of the above.

    But speaking of gagging with tablewear and Hilton Ho-Tell …

    Nope, not gonna go there.

  33. 33.

    Dreggas

    Chad N. Freude Says:

    What’s really sad about the Paris Hilton story is that she will eventually emerge from jail without any sense that she is just a person, like everybody else, subject to the same rules of behavior and responsibilities to the law, other people, and civilization in general. Instead, she will feel like a Holocaust survivor who has been subjected to persecution and unspeakable torture by inhuman monsters.

    Yeah that’s the truth. Just her reaction was enough to prove that. Anyway it’s friday, Pride starts tonight and I am going to kick back and enjoy the weekend.

  34. 34.

    Dave

    Is Booze-Thirty the same time as Half Past Beer O’Clock?

    I think it’s a time zone thing…but close enough for me.

  35. 35.

    RSA

    Just one ordinary table or soup spoon?

    I was thinking “garden shovel” myself. Any of the above.

  36. 36.

    catatonia

    Eh, I’m thinking this whole Hilton charade is one big commeda d’arte (sp?) to rejigger her “career.” The crying, IOW, is an act, doubtlessly followed by some kind of Redemption that may or may not involve appearances on Oprah and/or Joel Osteen. C’mon, you think she’s having to fight off Gertrude She-Wolf of the S.S. in the ladies’ pen? Prison’s not like that for wisegirls.

  37. 37.

    Pug

    my cousin did 5 years for doing a grand total of 2k worth of damage to vehicles when he shot out some with an air pistol one day.

    A member of my family is doing seven years for $1,305 worth of bad checks in Florida where you serve 85%. The judge who sentenced him has a nephew who slammed his Benz into a pole at 80 mph while drunk and killed his 17-year old companion. He got two years with the electronic bracelet and probation. Zero days in prison.

    Reinstating the full 45 day term seems excessive

    I guess that depends on your perspective. Five and seven years over a few thousand bucks seems a little more excessive. But then, that’s real life. Not Hollywood.

  38. 38.

    Jake

    C’mon, you think she’s having to fight off Gertrude She-Wolf of the S.S. in the ladies’ pen?

    If she does I’m sure we’ll see it on YouTube within a matter of hours.

  40. 40.

    dlw32

    I’m on the side of “none of the above”.

    1) GOP can whine all they want. Now if the Dems give in, that would make me want to gag someone.

    2) Lieberman’s a ass, but he’s got a point; allegedly he showed up and asked the soldiers for their opinion and they didn’t give it to him. That’s their bad, not his. He is still a ass though.

    3) I like that Paris is going back to do her time. It should be norm, not news. I like that Paris is crying about it; she thought the law wasn’t important and that she could get (buy) her way around it. She should suffer.

    Now, the Creation Museum, that does make me want to gag someone…

  41. 41.

    Justin

    Lieberman’s a ass, but he’s got a point; allegedly he showed up and asked the soldiers for their opinion and they didn’t give it to him. That’s their bad, not his. He is still a ass though.

    Way I heard it, the soldiers all said to Lieberman “when the fuck do we get out of here? Because we’re not doing any good by staying.” L. then turned to the cameras and said “they’re all anxious to see the mission through.”

  42. 42.

    Dreggas

    Justin Says:

    Way I heard it, the soldiers all said to Lieberman “when the fuck do we get out of here? Because we’re not doing any good by staying.” L. then turned to the cameras and said “they’re all anxious to see the mission through.”

    Same here, I did hear the bit about some being afraid to speak their mind etc. but that seems to me like a throw away phrase to muddy the waters. Lieberman’s just a schmuck plain and simple.

  43. 43.

    rachel

    Lieberman’s just a schmuck plain and simple.

    No, a schmuck is an erect penis. Lieberman is a putz.

  46. 46.

    Jon H

    The Dems should bring baby bottles and blankies with them to session, to offer if the GOP has a ‘meltdown’.

  48. 48.

    Krista

    Which story most strongly makes you want to gag someone with a f*cking spoon?

    Gag someone? No thanks. Gouge their eyeballs out with a spoon? Why yes, the GOP, Joe Lieberman and Paris Hilton can all form an orderly queue to the left, please.

    Amazing — I’ve been on a fairly strict diet for three weeks now. Tonight I caved and had a Wendy’s burger, and I’ve been feeling strange…like I’d love to go punch something (or someone). Not necessarily pissed-off, just rather violent. Does grease-laden beef increase testosterone levels or something?

  49. 49.

    CaseyL

    The Creation Museum beggars description.

    Not only does it peddle a thoroughly idiotic theo-ideology, the exhibits are the awfullest, cheesiest damn things ever. The saddled Triceratops looks like it was stolen from an old roadside gas station. The “Eve” next to the velociraptor must’ve been a Woolworth’s window manniken once upon a time. The dioramas are about the quality you’d expect from a junior high school art class.

    Where did they get that crap? From a dump?

  51. 51.

    ConservativelyLiberal

    Does grease-laden beef increase testosterone levels or something?

    If it does, it has to have something to do with the hormones they feed the cows. Beef on steeroids! ;)

    Hey, how do you make a hormone? Toss her in jail…

    Sorry, I could not help myself there… :)

    I slay me…

  52. 52.

    Bruce Moomaw

    I’ll go with the Lieberman story. The GOP is just acting the hypocritical way political parties are always expected to act, and Paris is acting the way cretinous celebrities always act. Lieberman’s recent auditions for the Uriah Heep Award, however, are a bit unusual even for American politics.

  53. 53.

    jake

    On to something completely unrelated…

    Holy fucking shit. I saw this picture months ago because I know one of those guys. (Not the one doing “Y.”)

    Friggin’ hee-larious.

  54. 54.

    jake

    Here’s something we can all add to our family albums. A picture of our great, great, great…grandma at play with the raptors in her garden 6,000 years ago.

    Wait. Those shills put pre-Fall Eve (a child mannequin it appears) in CLOTHES? I may be an unwashed perverted drug gobbling librul but I know damn well clothes didn’t come into vogue until after A&E got the boot from Eden. At which point they would have been on the raptors’ menu. If the Evangelicals are going to interpret the Bible any damn way they please why can’t they just add a little evolution to the mix and StFu?

    And think of all the dissapointed teen-agers, flocking to the CM in order to see some naked folks and instead they get Eve dressed in something their mom would wear to work (if everything else was dirty). Think of all the adults paying $20 to see something they wouldn’t have at South of the Border.

    Ladies & Gentlemen. This museum may do more to destroy sympathy for the creationists than any number of reasoned arguments. Hats off to them I say!

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