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You are here: Home / Politics / Domestic Politics / Things That Make You Say “HRMMM”

Things That Make You Say “HRMMM”

by John Cole|  July 13, 200710:51 am| 39 Comments

This post is in: Domestic Politics, General Stupidity

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Not to ruin what actually is good news, but this opening sentence is amusing:

Fewer high school students are having sex these days, more are using condoms, and the teen birth rate has hit a record low.

What are they doing with the condoms, then (and yes, this is the kind of question that would make stats professors cry)?

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Reader Interactions

39Comments

  1. 1.

    Zifnab

    July 13, 2007 at 10:57 am

    Are you kidding? Condoms are amazing!

    1. Bicycle handle grips.
    2. French tickler animals.
    3. Shower caps for people with tiny heads.
    4. Put one on a light bulb for mood lighting.
    5. Fill one with helium and tie a note to it.
    6. Get 1000 and make a submarine.
    7. Put one over the showerhead to surprise Dad.
    8. Put ’em on your cat’s feet to keep it from climbing the curtains.
    9. Blow a bunch up and tie them to the cars outside a wedding.
    10. Put one on your nose and be Bobo the clown.
    11. Water wings for those non-swimmers.
    12. Use 500 of them to spell out “We Want Women!!” on your house.
    13. Jello molds.
    14. Finger puppets.
    15. A wind sock.

  2. 2.

    James Gary

    July 13, 2007 at 11:17 am

    Don’t be a nit-picker–the body of the text clearly states that condom use is up among those teens who are having sex. I blame the truncated lede on an overly zealous copy editors, the likes of which will plague journalism as long as it exists.

  3. 3.

    ThymeZone

    July 13, 2007 at 11:18 am

    Condoms are great!

    I’m wearing one right now!

  4. 4.

    John Cole

    July 13, 2007 at 11:20 am

    I blame the truncated lede on an overly zealous copy editors, the likes of which will plague journalism as long as it exists.

    Umm, that is why it is funny AND why I said “opening sentence.”

  5. 5.

    pharniel

    July 13, 2007 at 11:22 am

    don’t forget that per the OSS they make nifty carbomb fuses.

  6. 6.

    Rome Again

    July 13, 2007 at 11:25 am

    Condoms are great!

    I’m wearing one right now!

    That’s NOT funny!

  7. 7.

    ThymeZone

    July 13, 2007 at 11:27 am

    That’s NOT funny!

    One can never be too careful. I am, after all, Captain Safety!

  8. 8.

    Dreggas

    July 13, 2007 at 11:51 am

    Obviously they have not seen the must see film warning of KILLER CONDOMS:

    There are certain movie titles that draw your eye, regardless of whatever you avtually went to the video store to rent. Killer Condom is one of those titles.

    aka ‘Kondom des Grauens’
    filmed in 1996
    Directed by Martin Walz and based on the comics by Ralf König.
    German. creature design by HR Giger!

    Plot:

    A tough Sicilian cop in NYC by the name of Luigi Macaroni is assigned to a case involving several johns having their dicks bitten off, all in a sleazy dive called the Hotel Quickie. The hookers in question claim that they did not bite off their clients’ johnsons, but rather that the condoms they were using were the culprits.

    Luigi goes to investigate, and finds one of his ex-lovers (and an ex-cop), Bob, is now a transvestite hooker/lounge act working at the hotel. And Bob – now Babette – still carries a torch for Luigi.

    Luigi gets distracted by a hot young hustler named Billy, and so decides that instead of investigating he’s gonna have sex. It is then revealed that Luigi has a c**k measuring exactly 32 centimetres. Billy is in love.

    However, the romantic interlude is cut short by the attack of the killer condom. Luigi manages to save his shlong, but he does lose a nut to the creature.

    Naturally, nobody on the force believes for a second that a condom with teeth is responsible for the crimes, and a warrant is put out on Billy.

    Luigi relentlessly pursues the killer condom despite the department’s disbeleif and the fact that babette is stalking him. Eventually the attacks spread across NYC, one even chewing off the manhood of a presidential canidate. Luigi and his partner find out that a Russian scientist (Dr. Smirnoff) is likely the only man alive who could have created these monsters, but he has mysteriosuly gone missing. After some undercover work, Luigi’s partner is kidnapped and Luigi himself nearly false victim to the mastermind behind the scheme… a local doctor who believes she hears the Voice of God(tm) and is doing her part to eradicate sinfulness in NYC.

    A super-huge killer condom is released on Luigi, but Billy appears in the nick of time and saves his c**k. The evil doctor commits suicide, and hookers, homos, sleazy motel owners and sexual deviants everywhere rejoice. Billy and Luigi run off to Sicily together.

  9. 9.

    srv

    July 13, 2007 at 11:58 am

    Those fewer kids having sex are having alot more of it.

  10. 10.

    Lee

    July 13, 2007 at 11:59 am

    I thought it is interesting, they are having less intercourse. Not necessarily less sex.

    So maybe less schupting and more slurping?

  11. 11.

    Paul

    July 13, 2007 at 12:14 pm

    Poor kids. I still look back at my years of teenage sex with a tear in the eye. To think they won’t have those fond memories when they are older.

    Although less teen pregnancies is a great thing. More sex, more condoms, less teen mothers. Is such a combo possible? I think so.

    Go boink your brains out while you can kids. It won’t last forever.

  12. 12.

    Sirkowski

    July 13, 2007 at 12:16 pm

    “Don’t you moonbats see this is an elaborate plan by the Islamofascists to win the War in Terror by demographics??? Every child that doesn’t squirt out of a teenage Christian girl’s vagoo is one more mushroom cloud to destroy our freedom!”

    Quoted from something some wingnut will eventualy write for sure.

  13. 13.

    Jason

    July 13, 2007 at 12:18 pm

    Has anyone done a study to see if there is a correlation between the decline of teenage sex rates and the increasing obesity of American youths?

    Stuffing your little girl with cheetos until she is 300 lbs might be one way to keep some of the boys from trying to get in her pants.

  14. 14.

    Dreggas

    July 13, 2007 at 12:33 pm

    I got the whole “will he or won’t he” question answered early and ended my stint as a virgin at 14. Looking back I don’t regret it one bit.

  15. 15.

    Zifnab

    July 13, 2007 at 12:38 pm

    Stuffing your little girl with cheetos until she is 300 lbs might be one way to keep some of the boys from trying to get in her pants.

    See, you’d think so. But then I think you’re not so much encouraging abstinence as a grevious drop in standards.

    Also, I’m still not entirely clear whether Dreggas is a girl or a guy.

  16. 16.

    Jake

    July 13, 2007 at 12:52 pm

    To think they won’t have those fondle memories when they are older.

  17. 17.

    Dreggas

    July 13, 2007 at 1:13 pm

    Zifnab says:

    Also, I’m still not entirely clear whether Dreggas is a girl or a guy.

    Well I could keep it a secret but last I checked I was still male, then again I have not been subjected to the forced sex change I was promised when I voted for the Demoncrats LOL.

  18. 18.

    mrmobi

    July 13, 2007 at 1:19 pm

    One can never be too careful. I am, after all, Captain Safety!

    I think it was Bill Maher who said that he wears two condoms all the time, and when he want to really go crazy, he takes one off before he has sex?

  19. 19.

    Dreggas

    July 13, 2007 at 1:20 pm

    *sigh*

    This will be a fun one to deal with

    O/T I know but it was bound to come up eventually LOL.

  20. 20.

    Tsulagi

    July 13, 2007 at 1:53 pm

    Maybe those teens have seen this classic Zazoo condom commercial. Say what you want about Old Europe, they know how to make good commercials.

  21. 21.

    Chad N. Freude

    July 13, 2007 at 2:55 pm

    I’m wearing one right now!

    Where’d you find one that fits?

  22. 22.

    ThymeZone

    July 13, 2007 at 2:59 pm

    Where’d you find one that fits?

    In the Boys’ Department?

  23. 23.

    Zifnab

    July 13, 2007 at 3:31 pm

    That’s no condom. It’s a space station.

  24. 24.

    Chad N. Freude

    July 13, 2007 at 3:36 pm

    That’s no condom. It’s a space station.

    Yeah, there’s all that space inside it.

  25. 25.

    HunterBlackLuna

    July 13, 2007 at 3:45 pm

    /points to post above. BURN.

    I love stats like these. They make me feel so much better about science, society, and the human race as a whole. xD

    Btw, you may commence welcoming me with open arms as the salvation of all.

  26. 26.

    ThymeZone

    July 13, 2007 at 3:45 pm

    Yeah, there’s all that space inside it.

    Yes, that’s the Loose Fit style.

    Comfortable, something you can wear around the house on weekends.

  27. 27.

    srv

    July 13, 2007 at 3:52 pm

    Has anyone done a study to see if there is a correlation between the decline of teenage sex rates and the increasing obesity of American youths?

    I don’t call it the XL Generation because they’re porn stars.

  28. 28.

    Cassidy

    July 13, 2007 at 4:32 pm

    “One can never be too careful. I am, after all, Captain Safety!”

    Are you anticipating slipping and falling into something?

  29. 29.

    guyermo

    July 13, 2007 at 4:55 pm

    perhaps they’re using them as chewing gum, a la Coneheads?

  30. 30.

    Media Glutton

    July 13, 2007 at 6:34 pm

    Actually, I’m more surprised with the stat that there are teen births at all. You’d think women wouldn’t want to experience a gestation period of 13 years.

  31. 31.

    Rome Again

    July 13, 2007 at 7:58 pm

    This will be a fun one to deal with

    I clicked on that link and now I’m appalled. This young woman who they consider to have mental problems was sexually assaulted, and has been identified by name. What compassion the writer of this story has. Seems I remember rape victims being protected from such identification.

    Perhaps she signed the contract, but if she’s so mentally incompetent, she should NOT have been identified. The man who created the document took advantage of that poor yound woman, and the reporter is remiss in reporting her name.

  32. 32.

    Rome Again

    July 13, 2007 at 7:59 pm

    Are you anticipating slipping and falling into something?

    He already did ;)

  33. 33.

    Andrew

    July 13, 2007 at 9:01 pm

    You know who’s a huge fucking idiot these days?

    Don Surber

    It is an encouraging report. I credit Bush. He doesn’t cat around. Good leadership.

    Great. Credit Bush for the drop in teen sexual activity. Except for the fact that the article he cites show that the rates of teen sex dropped during the Clinton administration and edged back UP during W’s.

    Jesus Fuck Me In the Ass To Keep Me a Technical Virgin Christ, why have IQs dropped so god damn sharply?

  34. 34.

    jake

    July 13, 2007 at 9:09 pm

    OMG THE PADRES R SPREADING TEH GAY!

    I really fucking loathe Bill O’Lielly.

  35. 35.

    Rome Again

    July 13, 2007 at 9:26 pm

    why have IQs dropped so god damn sharply?

    Ummm, Bush is president, need we say more?

  36. 36.

    Andrew

    July 13, 2007 at 9:37 pm

    Ummm, Bush is president, need we say more?

    Sweetie pie, that was the most rhetorical question in the universe.

    However, “ingesting lead” is an acceptable answer.

  37. 37.

    Rome Again

    July 13, 2007 at 9:51 pm

    Sweetie pie, that was the most rhetorical question in the universe.

    Well, hasn’t he proved that any farking idiot can be president?

  38. 38.

    scarshapedstar

    July 14, 2007 at 12:01 am

    What, nobody ever heard of using a rubber for a quick and cleanup-free, albeit expensive, jerk?

  39. 39.

    Dreggas

    July 16, 2007 at 11:14 am

    Rome Again Says:

    This will be a fun one to deal with

    I clicked on that link and now I’m appalled. This young woman who they consider to have mental problems was sexually assaulted, and has been identified by name. What compassion the writer of this story has. Seems I remember rape victims being protected from such identification.

    Perhaps she signed the contract, but if she’s so mentally incompetent, she should NOT have been identified. The man who created the document took advantage of that poor yound woman, and the reporter is remiss in reporting her name.

    Glad we’re on the same page. This is the kind of shit that gives the rest of us Kinksters bad names.

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