And the race to the bottom continues for the Republican candidates, as each tries to out-Bauer the other:
Retired General James “Spider” Marks, who has just been named a new national security adviser to Mitt Romney’s campaign, asserted in a 2005 interview that he would readily torture prisoners to save a soldier’s life or stop a terror bomb, saying: “I’d stick a knife in somebody’s thigh in a heartbeat.”
Unimpressed, Rudy Giuliani immediately released a press statement stating he would “skull fuck a kitten to death in order to save a soldier.”
Adorable jihadi kitten before advanced interrogation techniques.
Jihadi kitten after weeks with “Spider” Marks.
Wilfred
Someone pass me the mental WhiteOut, please.
RSA
This is just a watering down of standard Republicanism, in which you stick a knife in someone’s back without a second thought.
chopper
maybe the back of the thigh? get a two-fer?
David Hunt
Good Lord! What have they done to that Chihuahua?!
Cyrus
Oh, please. Do you think he would bother waiting for an excuse?
jenniebee
It’s twoo, it’s twoo! Bill Frist gave him the kittens! I saw it!
Zifnab
Skull fuck a kitten to fight terrorism?
Why yes, I’d do it then, too.
norbizness
Milhouse: Come on, Bart. You’re gonna make me a print (of the Homer/Princess Kashmir photo), aren’t you?
Bart: Will you swear not to let another living soul get a copy of this photo?
Milhouse: O.K.
Bart: Cross your heart and hope to die?
Milhouse: Yup.
Bart: Stick a needle in your eye?
Milhouse: Yup.
Bart: Jam a dagger in your thigh?
Milhouse: Yup.
Bart: Eat a horse-manure pie?
Milhouse: [gulps, pauses] Yup.
(emphasis added) All I’m saying is, get a piemaker over to a stable and get them to work. Our soldiers, imperiled by TERROR BOMBS, deserve all the protection they can get.
Tsulagi
These guys are beyond Planet Farce. Mitt The Hairsprayed Lifelong Varmit Hunter dressed in magical underwear who aims for a hole in a sheet at night to hit paydirt, dreams of being a penile implant for Gitmo. “Golly, gee fellow mollies I’d DOUBLE THE SIZE of Gitmo.” The Malkinettes go wild.
Dreggas
I don’t know if the Original Post is the POTD or if this is:
CT Voter
Is a “terror bomb” somehow more dangerous than a garden-variety bomb? Perhaps there are nooooances we are missing here. Maybe the extra special really scary “terror bomb” demands a special response.
Evinfuilt
OMG, that second cat looks like Blofeld. “No Mr. Puppy, I expect you to die.”
qwerty42
Someone (I don’t know who, maybe Sullivan, maybe here, hell,maybe Wonkette) has mentioned that some headlines are sounding as if they had been written at The Onion. It is true they are absurd, but seeing some of the real headlines is actually … disturbing. It is as though children (or very childish people) were actually running the government … oh wait …
And then there’s Jonah Goldberg positing the benefits of an attack on the Soviet Union after WW2.
Rick Taylor
But,but, but, Hillary refused to deny Sandy Berger was an unofficial advisor to her campaign!
*sighs*
And Romney was the Republican I said I was going to vote for if someone put a gun to my head and said “choose one.” Of course he also said we should double Guantanomo.
I still think Romney is an insincere fake who talks tough to get elected, while Guiliani is the genuine article. Give me the slippery fake any day. ^^
Helena Montana
We had the slippery fake in Massachusetts. You can have him.
jcricket
“I’d personally rub salt in Graeme Frosts wounds if it would help avoid Hillary pushing her SOCIALIZED MEDICINE on us”, Michelle Malkin, yesterday.
jcricket
What was that line about generals always fighting the last war? That apparently goes triple for the 101st Fighting Keyboard Kommandoes.
These jackoffs couldn’t even win at Risk.
RSA
Fixed.
Cain
Actually, that was Goldfinger who said that not Blofeld. :D
cain
whippoorwill
Bring it on.
Thunderdome, Thunderdome, Thunderdome, Thunderdome Thunderdome
Dulcie
Heh!
David Hunt
Dreggas,
I can’t really take credit for the Chihuahua joke. David Letterman adlibbed that line on his show twenty+ years ago. He had a bat scientist (I don’t know the proper title for that field) on and the fellow had several bats with him that he brought out the intersperse with some interesting bat stories. The last one was, IIRC, a fox-bat that was the size of a small dog. Letter took one look at the thing that was hanging on the scientist’s arm looking at him and said:
“Good Lord! What have you done to that Chihuahua?!”
At which point the bat instantly became a weird mutant Mexican Hairless in my mind’s eye. I imagine that the world became a brighter place fromthe million+ people simultaneoulsy laughing at the same thing. It as that funny. It’s stuck with me ever since. I’ve told this story to friends many times, but I never dreamed I’d get the a proper setup to re-use it properly.
John Cole will surely get one thousand years off any time in purgatory for setting up a situation where I could use that line in “conversation.”
Keith
That reminds me of the most hilarious line I’ve ever read from the Onion (along the lines of “so offensive, it’s hilarious”:
“They say we get the government we deserve, but I don’t recall ever knife-raping any retarded nuns.”
2nd place is “Special Olympics T-Ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game” but it lacks the grotesque hilarity of the former.
Ugh
Oh hai. You can has my wallet.
Rick Taylor
I keep remembering Tim’s line:
Zifnab
So… for a good time, Google the phrase “Skull fuck a kitten”.
jcricket
jcricket
Oops, forgot this link
Rick Taylor
Lol! Thanks, I needed that.
Dreggas
BTW if this is all it takes to get the gooper nomination I hereby declare that not only am i unopposed to knifing people in the thigh but I will also participate in a raucous round of seal clubbing after which I will skull fuck 5 kittens in a row to celebrate while biting the heads off of smalle furry forest creatures and bathing in their blood.
I however promise I will not be caught harrassing young men on the internet, tapping my foot in a restroom or getting my meth on while getting a “massage”.
jcricket
This one is even funnier
Sirkowski
Here’s a question I would ask the Republicans.
jake
There’s worse things than terror bombs.
jcricket
Two comments:
1) Why do you assume they’re not doing that already.
2) Is this the new excuse Republican party activists will start using when caught with TEH GAY? I was trying to stop a terror attack?
David's Hasselhoff
Would you rape a hooker to save a bus load of nuns?
I can’t remember where I heard that one but it sums up the absurdity of the ticking time bomb scenario nicely.
Krista
I would give my front teeth, my back teeth, and John’s teeth for someone to actually ask that of a Republican candidate.
whippoorwill
I can’t help it. The kitty picture gets cuter every time I look at it. One of the best images I’ve seen on the web or anywhere else.
r€nato
I’ve got just the man for the job: Larry Craig.
jake
You can add mine to the pot.
Maybe this explains the fear of ass rape by IslamoHorde that seems to be prevalent among the fRighties. Unless it isn’t really a fear of rape. Maybe its the realization that the NSA will never show up at the door and ask them to save the country: “We have a terrorist in custody. He knows where fifteen dirty bombs are hidden but he says he’ll only tell us if he gets to make sweet love to a right-wing blogger.”
So much for that Metal of Freedom.
Dreggas
If a gay gay jumped on your back would you let him stay or beat him off?
Dreggas
that should have been “gay guy” this is what I get for posting and playing a game at the same time.
jake
No, the choices are Stab him in the thigh, skull fuck his kitten or beat him off.
Right. Is this “game” called Befoul the Towel? Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
The Other Steve
Wow. Jonah Goldberg is really stupid.
DonkeyKong
“I’d stick a knife in somebody’s thigh in a heartbeat.”
That’s sad, even Dick Cheney would have the courtesy to say “Please pass the kneecap drill.”
Civility, where oh where is the civility?
Jess
EEEEK!
Jess
The trick here is getting them to publicly embrace it, so to speak.
jcricket
I believe Larry Craig already tried the public embrace and it didn’t work out so well for him :-)
Tax Analyst
Yeah, same here. That’s got to be one of the most adorable-looking kittens I’ve ever seen. And so innocent and vulnerable-looking, too.
The caption really captures the absurdly pointless and foolish heartlessness of Mitt Romney and all the other Republican candidates. “Double-Gitmo”…what a bunch of fucking horseshit.
LanceThruster
Don’t let that “I surrender!” pose fool you. That Ninja kitten possesses cat-like reflexes and could easily bat that handgun out of the hands of the aggressor as well as catch the bullet with its teeth. It should be trussed up like Hannibal Lectur. Never let your guard down around these vicious beasts for a moment. Consider yourselves warned.
Cinderella Ferret
Whoa! Maybe they were right when they told me all that acid would cause flashbacks some day. But, Jesus H. Christ–35 years later just seems pretty damn unlikely. Apparently, the brown acid really was bad. Well looks like the margarita pitcher’s full again, and I sweating like W at a MENSA meeting. Selah.