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You are here: Home / Humorous / Jesus Christ!

Jesus Christ!

by Michael D.|  November 3, 20071:07 pm| 60 Comments

This post is in: Humorous

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Your mandatory stupid news story of the day.

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Reader Interactions

60Comments

  1. 1.

    Peter Johnson

    November 3, 2007 at 1:12 pm

    Please. Are liberals really so frightened of religion that they’ll try to ban talking Jesus Dolls? The symbolism of silencing Jesus will not be lost on voters.

  2. 2.

    laneman

    November 3, 2007 at 1:21 pm

    I have decided that you are evil.

    You have added yet another evil waste of my time as I click links. ;-p

  3. 3.

    cleek

    November 3, 2007 at 1:29 pm

    PJ, the spoof has worn thin

  4. 4.

    Don McArthur

    November 3, 2007 at 1:31 pm

    They do pick and choose the Old Testament prohibitions they follow, eh?

  5. 5.

    capelza

    November 3, 2007 at 1:31 pm

    Anyone have little kids? And barbie dolls?

    The doll will soon enough lose it’s head and become a weapon in some childhood war…and some mother (or father) will find the head, with matted hair, under the couch at a later date.

  6. 6.

    capelza

    November 3, 2007 at 1:32 pm

    Oh..and the fact that Communist China is making Jesus dolls…Mao is laughing his ass off.

  7. 7.

    chopper

    November 3, 2007 at 1:35 pm

    i seriously need to buy a bunch of these dolls and a bunch of talking mr T dolls, switch around the voice chips and return them to the shelves.

    i guarantee jesus would become like 500% more popular with the kids.

  8. 8.

    AkaDad

    November 3, 2007 at 1:44 pm

    Are liberals really so frightened of religion that they’ll try to ban talking Jesus Dolls?

    Where in that report does it say Liberals are trying to ban anything? Or are you making stuff up again?

  9. 9.

    Elvis Elvisberg

    November 3, 2007 at 1:55 pm

    This is a super way to blaspheme and trivialize religion all at once.

    And yeah, PJ, you had a good run, time to adopt a new pseudonym and start again.

    Mao is laughing his ass off.

    LMAO.

  10. 10.

    Dennis-SGMM

    November 3, 2007 at 1:56 pm

    I give it 90 days until some fundie is found dead in two wetsuits with one of these dolls stuffed up his ass.

  11. 11.

    Bubblegum Tate

    November 3, 2007 at 1:56 pm

    The doll will soon enough lose it’s head and become a weapon in some childhood war…and some mother (or father) will find the head, with matted hair, under the couch at a later date.

    Which will be proof that the kids are liberal commie nazis who hate Jebus and love terrorists.

  12. 12.

    RSA

    November 3, 2007 at 1:59 pm

    The symbolism of silencing Jesus will not be lost on voters.

    I like the symbolism of a Jesus action figure with kung-fu grip (at least, it appears that way from the photo, which by the way has a nice rock concert-style staging). Finally some deep theological questions can be answered: If Jesus got in a fight with GI Joe, who would win?

  13. 13.

    metalgrid

    November 3, 2007 at 2:02 pm

    Someone needs to hurry up and get the Mary doll out quickly so kids can make a full set and do the fish and toast tea party where they entertain Ken and Barbie.

    For the homos: This should be an excellent addition to the Billy and Carlos doll collection.

  14. 14.

    capelza

    November 3, 2007 at 2:02 pm

    Is Jesus anatomically correct?

  15. 15.

    gregg

    November 3, 2007 at 2:05 pm

    I’d only get if they had Gilbert Gottfried do the Jesus voice.

  16. 16.

    nightjar

    November 3, 2007 at 2:08 pm

    If it comes with a dashboard installation kit, I want it.

  17. 17.

    The Other Steve

    November 3, 2007 at 2:11 pm

    An interested connection of Mafia with Giuliani.

    http://talkingpointsmemo.com/archives/057807.php

    Just do it, the mayor replied.

    Mr. Kerik followed Mr. Giuliani downstairs to a dimly lighted room. There waited Mr. Giuliani’s boyhood chum Peter J. Powers, who was first deputy mayor, and other aides. One by one, they pulled Mr. Kerik close and kissed his cheek.

    “I wonder if he noticed how much becoming part of his team resembled becoming part of a mafia family,” Mr. Kerik wrote. “I was being made.”

    What? No tatoos?

  18. 18.

    Jess

    November 3, 2007 at 2:16 pm

    I don’t know why this line got me giggling, but it did:

    The owner of the company said he started making the doll because he was troubled by a lack of morals and ethics in toys.

    Someone is really unclear on the concept of the purpose of play and toys…how does this compare with the PC attempt to ban violence in toyland?

  19. 19.

    Elvis Elvisberg

    November 3, 2007 at 2:23 pm

    gregg– How about Bob Newhart?

    I guess he might be better for reading Revelation than the Gospels.

  20. 20.

    Michael D.

    November 3, 2007 at 2:33 pm

    Is Jesus anatomically correct?

    I’ve heard he was hung.

    Yuk yuk yuk.

  21. 21.

    Tim

    November 3, 2007 at 2:33 pm

    wouldn’t it be cool to put the Mr. T voice inside the Jesus doll ?

    “I pity the fool that can’t multiply loaves !”

  22. 22.

    The Other Steve

    November 3, 2007 at 2:39 pm

    The owner of the company said he started making the doll because he was troubled by a lack of morals and ethics in toys.

    Wait, what about the lack of morals and ethics in dildos?

    Is he going to make the Jesus vibrator?

  23. 23.

    Tim

    November 3, 2007 at 2:54 pm

    Wait, what about the lack of morals and ethics in dildos?

    when we’re all in Hell, can I sit next to you guys ?

  24. 24.

    RSA

    November 3, 2007 at 2:55 pm

    Is he going to make the Jesus vibrator?

    Brings new meaning to the phrase “Come to Jesus.”

  25. 25.

    laneman

    November 3, 2007 at 2:56 pm

    capelza sez:

    Anyone have little kids? And barbie dolls?

    And you hat ‘merika because you have, uhm, done something bad by saying…

    Mine kids are locked up atm for their evil thoughts

  26. 26.

    JGabriel

    November 3, 2007 at 2:57 pm

    I’m disappointed. I just got my Talking Jesus Doll ™ and all it says is, ‘Math is hard’ and ‘All your base belong to us’.

  27. 27.

    laneman

    November 3, 2007 at 2:58 pm

    hate, hats are bad, too, but I meant to say hate

  28. 28.

    Cassius Chaerea

    November 3, 2007 at 2:58 pm

    Newbury Comics in Boston used to sell the “Job action figure”. Sackcloth, ashes, boils, bleeding …

  29. 29.

    Dreggas

    November 3, 2007 at 3:05 pm

    I’ll wait until the crucifixion action playset comes out.

    Oh as for the jesus vibrator…as the line goes Let Jesus Fuck You

  30. 30.

    Krista

    November 3, 2007 at 3:11 pm

    Oh as for the jesus vibrator…as the line goes Let Jesus Fuck You

    Wow. I’m agnostic and the husband is pretty vehemently antitheist, and we both thought that crotch-cross was just wrong on so many levels.

  31. 31.

    Pb

    November 3, 2007 at 3:12 pm

    Is Jesus anatomically correct?

    I’ve heard he was hung.

    For a joke like that, you could get crucified in the wingnutosphere…

  32. 32.

    Dreggas

    November 3, 2007 at 3:14 pm

    Krista Says:

    Wow. I’m agnostic and the husband is pretty vehemently antitheist, and we both thought that crotch-cross was just wrong on so many levels.

    It was, but the baby jesus butt plug was worse.

  33. 33.

    Tim

    November 3, 2007 at 3:25 pm

    that’s it, I’m tip-toeing backwards outta here……

  34. 34.

    metalgrid

    November 3, 2007 at 3:29 pm

    Dreggas Says:
    It was, but the baby jesus butt plug was worse.

    So when baby jesus cries, does it automagically turn into an enema?

  35. 35.

    ThymeZone

    November 3, 2007 at 3:31 pm

    Jesus, NMYM, my ass. There is only one figure that rules today in Phoenix, friends:

    This one.

    Go Devils! Beat Oregon!

    Yeah, we’re undefeated.

  36. 36.

    Dreggas

    November 3, 2007 at 3:32 pm

    metalgrid Says:

    So when baby jesus cries, does it automagically turn into an enema?

    Oh. My. God. Can’t stop laughing!

  37. 37.

    Ben

    November 3, 2007 at 3:37 pm

    Mohammad cartoons, anyone?

  38. 38.

    Dreggas

    November 3, 2007 at 3:41 pm

    Ben Says:

    Mohammad cartoons, anyone?

    Wouldn’t bother me none.

  39. 39.

    maxbaer (not the original)

    November 3, 2007 at 4:00 pm

    Nightjar mentioned the dashboard attachment, I’ll put up the lyrics:

    Well, I don’t care if it rains or freezes,
    Long as I have my plastic Jesus
    Riding on the dashboard of my car
    Through all trials and tribulations,
    We will travel every nation,
    With my plastic Jesus I’ll go far.

  40. 40.

    Tony J

    November 3, 2007 at 4:02 pm

    i seriously need to buy a bunch of these dolls and a bunch of talking mr T dolls, switch around the voice chips and return them to the shelves.

    i guarantee jesus would become like 500% more popular with the kids

    wouldn’t it be cool to put the Mr. T voice inside the Jesus doll ?

    “I pity the fool that can’t multiply loaves !”

    Project Mayhem exists to bring together the people who have good ideas with the people who can make them better!

    That’s made my night.

  41. 41.

    chopper

    November 3, 2007 at 4:02 pm

    wouldn’t it be cool to put the Mr. T voice inside the Jesus doll ?

    i know, right? man, i could have sworn i’ve heard of that idea before.

  42. 42.

    srv

    November 3, 2007 at 4:07 pm

    Mao is laughing his ass off.

    LMAO

    In Chinese, it’s MLAO

  43. 43.

    Krista

    November 3, 2007 at 4:27 pm

    It was, but the baby jesus butt plug was worse.

    /curls up into a ball in the corner, whimpering.

  44. 44.

    Dreggas

    November 3, 2007 at 4:36 pm

    Krista Says:

    It was, but the baby jesus butt plug was worse.

    /curls up into a ball in the corner, whimpering.

    hey either way you’ll be filled with the spirit.

  45. 45.

    chopper

    November 3, 2007 at 4:41 pm

    hey either way you’ll be filled with the spirit.

    throw in a coupla wet suits and you’ve got a party.

  46. 46.

    Dreggas

    November 3, 2007 at 4:44 pm

    chopper Says:

    throw in a coupla wet suits and you’ve got a party.

    Every purchase comes with a trial tube of What Would Jesus Lube brand personal lubricant.

  47. 47.

    CalD

    November 3, 2007 at 5:23 pm

    If it’s made in China, don’t lick it!

  48. 48.

    YellowJournalism

    November 3, 2007 at 5:42 pm

    Wow. I’m agnostic and the husband is pretty vehemently antitheist, and we both thought that crotch-cross was just wrong on so many levels.

    Yes, but it’s endorsed by both Linda Blair and Madonna!

  49. 49.

    Jess

    November 3, 2007 at 6:09 pm

    Wow…I thought my students were bad when they came up their line of 9/11 souvenirs (commemorative box-cutter keychains, etc.), but you guys are truly warped! I can’t wait for this to get linked by some right-wing fundie blog site…

  50. 50.

    jake

    November 3, 2007 at 7:11 pm

    he was troubled by a lack of morals and ethics in toys.

    This rather implies that his toys talk to him and tell him to do baaaaad things. Filthy things…

  51. 51.

    Dreggas

    November 3, 2007 at 7:45 pm

    jake Says:

    he was troubled by a lack of morals and ethics in toys.

    This rather implies that his toys talk to him and tell him to do baaaaad things. Filthy things…

    They make hims a bad, naughty, nasty boy a truly naughty, naughty littl boy.

  52. 52.

    jake

    November 3, 2007 at 8:05 pm

    Oh as for the jesus vibrator

    Well! That gives the Depeche Mode song a new meaning.

    Unless that’s what they were singing about all along.

  53. 53.

    Dreggas

    November 3, 2007 at 8:13 pm

    jake Says:

    Oh as for the jesus vibrator

    Well! That gives the Depeche Mode song a new meaning.

    Unless that’s what they were singing about all along.

    Crucify my love….

  54. 54.

    jcricket

    November 3, 2007 at 8:33 pm

    We go 50 comments and no one notices that Jesus’ General (General JC Christian (Patriot)) has an obvious case of trademark infringement with this doll.

    Which reminds me of this classic from my youth (to the tune of

    Jesus puts his money in the Chase Manhattan Bank
    Jesus puts his money in the Chase Manhattan Bank
    Jesus puts his money in the Chase Manhattan Bank
    Jesus saves, Jesus Saves, Jesus Saves!

    Side order of heresy: Jesus saves, but Gretzy SCORES on the rebound.

    ObJew: Jesus saves, but Moses invests.

  55. 55.

    Cinderella Ferret

    November 3, 2007 at 8:42 pm

    If it comes with a dashboard installation kit, I want it.

    He sure would look good riding on the dashboard of my car–just it case it rains or freezes.

  56. 56.

    Dreggas

    November 3, 2007 at 9:40 pm

    We had a buddy christ figure from Dogma that we put velcro on the base of then put the other part on the dashboard and had it set so he was pointing forward “leading the way”

  57. 57.

    Dreggas

    November 3, 2007 at 9:53 pm

    Hey TZ,

    Did you get my email?

  58. 58.

    YellowJournalism

    November 3, 2007 at 10:30 pm

    Wow…I thought my students were bad when they came up their line of 9/11 souvenirs (commemorative box-cutter keychains, etc.), but you guys are truly warped! I can’t wait for this to get linked by some right-wing fundie blog site…

    That’s nothing. Wait until you see the Virgin Mary Early Warning Pregnancy Test.

  59. 59.

    Jess

    November 3, 2007 at 10:56 pm

    Wait until you see the Virgin Mary Early Warning Pregnancy Test.

    I wish I had thought of that. Yet at the same time I’m strangely glad I didn’t.

  60. 60.

    jake

    November 4, 2007 at 9:29 am

    That’s nothing. Wait until you see the Virgin Mary Early Warning Pregnancy Test.

    Spoiler alert:

    It involves doves.

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