To all of you who celebrate, Happy Chanukah. Yes, it’s that time of year – 22 days left for Chinese restaurants and movie theaters to get their books into the black. Although I am probably the least religious person I know, I love Chanukah. I have Jewish heritage, but was never raised as a Jew; however, I have a blast spending time with friends. I do light my menorah. I had a real one in past years, but now I have a tenant with a rambunctuous dog, so I use the electric one. It’s really nice, but not the same. Better than setting the dog on fire though…
The highlight for me is spending time with my best friend Amy and her fiance Rich as they celebrate. Quite often I get to take part in all their family stuff – and usually gain a bit of weight from the greasy cooking! Why did it have to be oil that lasted for 8 days? Why couldn’t it have been Diet Coke or Splenda??? :-)
Consider this a Chanuka open thread.
Notorious P.A.T.
Argh! The war on Christmas begins! just kidding.
Shalom. Is that the thing to say?
Buck
We have a menorah too.
It usually sits on the table with the nativity scene and the honeybaked ham.
D-Chance.
Thankfully the enviro-cultists have found a way to save the planet(~!), if only Jews will cut back on that candle-lighting stuff.
chopper
yeah, i have to go find a cheapo chanukiah at the pharmacy as the one we have is too nice to use. aint that a trip.
and the wife is onna diet, so no latkes tonight. son of a bitch!
Bombadil
Just the fact that they’re “low fat” probably means “they aren’t as good as the real thing”, but maybe this will help.
Chris
And in a move surprising nobody, Christopher Hitchens has had it up to here with this Chanukiah business.
The best part is when he starts wailing about imperial expansion, blissfully oblvious to the war he’s championed for the last four to five years.
jcricket
Yes, they definitely aren’t as good. Scientists still aren’t sure why items high in fat (which is oderless and tasteless) tend to be so “attractive” to us, but I think it’s one more piece of evidence proving the superiority of us Jews over everyone else (that we have high-fat cuisine as a staple of our religion).
Go Schmaltz!
Punchy
Please enlighten how Honnykah is related to Chinese restaurants. I’ve heard this quip from multiple Jewish people, and don’t understand. Is this a joke, a slur, or do Jews simply prefer WonTon Soup in December?
Jeff
Punchy –
It’s not Hannukah that is related to Chinese restaurants, it is Christmas and the us Jews. Go to a Chinese restaurant on Christmas and you will likely find a large number of Jewish families. Chinese restaurants are usually the only places open on Christmas and a lot of Jewish families use the holiday as an opportunity to go out to eat.
This was the major flaw in the film “A Christmas Story”
zzyzx
I get to say my favorite prayer tonight. It thanks God for the fact that we managed to survive the last year and make it to another Chanukah. You can’t get more Jewish than that :)
Tom Hilton
I ahve nothing particular to say about Chanukah, but if you want a Chanukah-related laugh check out this.
Media Glutton
Ba-ruch ata, A-do-nai E-lo-hei-nu, me-lech ha-o-lam, a-sher ki-de-sha-nu be-mits-vo tov, ve-tsi-va-nu le-had-lik neir shel Splenda, because it’s made from Sugar, so it tastes like sugar. Amen.
Michael D.
Tom: I just sent that to all my Jewish friends. Hilarious!
jcricket
Reminds me of the old joke.
Hebrew Calendar is 5700 years old. Chinese Calender is only 4700 years.
Which begs the question, how did Jews survive for 1000 years without Chinese food?
OriGuy
Probably not a lot of Jews in Holman, Indiana in 1940.
Warren Terra
Speaking as a fellow Red Sea Pedestrian, I miss the good old days (say, 10 or 15 years ago) when all the Goyim stayed home and had a family Christmas and left the Chinese restaurants and movie theaters to us infidels. It’s gotten hard to get in to a movie on Christmas!
In re the actual post, Chanukkah isn’t really about religion; the alleged miracle aside, Chanukkah, like Purim, is basically a ‘whaddayah know? we won!’ nationalist holiday. If the Brits didn’t already have the C-of-E they’d probably celebrate Trafalgar Day similarly, especially expat Brits needing a convenient holiday around the same time of year as the dominant holiday of the people around them.
Warren Terra
P.S. Media Glutton: I think you’ve adapted the wrong blessing. Given the source material for Splenda (not lights/candles), I think you should’ve used the hamotzie lechem min ha aretz (or maybe the boray pree ha gafen?)
Whee, I can not transliterate!
Tzal
Don’t forget the jelly donuts.
chopper
splenda’s made from sugar, not bread or ‘fruit of the vine’.
jcricket
Ditto on that one. It’s like the Christians can’t stand to be with each other for even an entire day. I think the heathen ACLU who started the War On Christmas ™ have nothing in their arsenal so destructive as the power of actually letting the families get together.
And if you haven’t read that Hitchens thing, go do. He’s arguing that celebrating Hanukah is a celebration of anti-enlightenment values and must be opposed at all costs. His ability to get riled up over the most trivial bullshit is hilarious.
Warren Terra
lechem can be used more generically to mean food. Yes, Splenda is famously made from sugar, but I selected source blessings (from my very limited repertoire) with the notion of giving thanks for the source of the sugar. Which might include the fruit of the vine, and very likely includes grain (“food from the earth”).
And stop being pedantic when I’m being persnickety.
jcricket
Since the source of Splenda is basically science/the lab, I can’t remember what the blessing is. What’s the blessing for making edible chlorine (the closest analogue chemically)?
Warren Terra
boray pree ha noggin?
(ducks)
Jules
The proper blessing for a food which does not fall into one of the usual categories (lechem, pri haEtz, pri haGafen, etc.) is:
Baruch atah adonai eloheinu melech ha-olam she-ha-kol n’hi-yeh beed-varo.
The blessing for cookies, cake, etc. is:
Baruch atah adonai eloheinu melech ha-olam boray meenai mizonot
Jay C
Thanks, Chris, that Hitchens piece was priceless: you gotta admire his writing skills, even when employed in the service of rancid cynicism.
And Michael: just remember: “enough oil for eight days” is the foundation-myth of Hanukkah: it’s just too bad it got enshrined in the cookbooks as well …
jcricket
Anyone who ever suggests that the origin of Kashrut regulations was “healthy eating” has never tasted my Bubbe’s cooking!