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You are here: Home / Humorous / Things You Don’t Want to Call the Fire Department For

Things You Don’t Want to Call the Fire Department For

by Michael D.|  December 7, 20078:47 am| 41 Comments

This post is in: Humorous

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If you’re male, you will feel pain while reading this story. You’ll also feel for the guy. It must’ve been the most embarrassing moment in his life.

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Reader Interactions

41Comments

  1. 1.

    Rudi

    December 7, 2007 at 9:05 am

    The Department of Fatherland Security also wants them to watch out for “brown skins” and traitorous Libruls.

  2. 2.

    Cindrella Ferret

    December 7, 2007 at 9:05 am

    So he was literally laying pipe. Ouch!

  3. 3.

    Redleg

    December 7, 2007 at 9:12 am

    Dammit- Cindrella beat me to the punchline.

  4. 4.

    cleek

    December 7, 2007 at 9:12 am

    CF wins the thread in two. well played!

  5. 5.

    John S.

    December 7, 2007 at 9:17 am

    I good friend of mine who works for BBC told me that they were going to write the third paragraph as:

    It is understood the man, aged in his 40s, was given an anaesthetic, despite being an ardent supporter of the FAIR tax.

    Just to see if their readers would freak out. But the editors decided against it in the end, seeing as how they couldn’t find anyone to keep the charade going by mounting a credible defense of the FAIR tax (although they did have several volunteers willing to advance the LOL defense).

  6. 6.

    Jamey

    December 7, 2007 at 9:24 am

    Of course he was an advocate of the FairTax: the article clearly noted that the ring was cutting off the supply of blood to his head.

    Sorry, Michael, but any “big” idea that can be expressed as a cozy digital-age neologism (ie, no spaces, double caps), automatically steps into the credibility batters box with two strikes against.

  7. 7.

    atari_age

    December 7, 2007 at 9:36 am

    All I need to hear is “if you’re male, you will feel pain” to know I don’t want to click the link. Isn’t it enough I still have memories of “There’s Something About Mary”? :D

  8. 8.

    Incertus (Brian)

    December 7, 2007 at 9:44 am

    A grinder? Yeech.

  9. 9.

    r€nato

    December 7, 2007 at 9:50 am

    It must’ve been the most embarrassing moment in his life.

    Gee I sure hope it was the most embarrassing moment in his life. If it wasn’t… what was? That time a Coke bottle got lodged up his rear and he couldn’t fish it out?

    Isn’t it enough I still have memories of “There’s Something About Mary”? :D

    yeah, um, about that… that happened to me when I was 10.

    No, the fire and police department did not come like in the movie. The only witnesses were the neighbor, the neighbor’s kid and my father…

  10. 10.

    canuckistani

    December 7, 2007 at 10:29 am

    My legs are crossed, and will remain so throughout the day, until I can think of something not involving angle grinders and penises.

  11. 11.

    Ed Drone

    December 7, 2007 at 10:49 am

    I haven’t read the story, but the last comment, about grinders, reminds me of a limerick that starts:

    “There once was a girl from Mobile…”

    Enquiring readers can search the rest out on the web.

    Ed

  12. 12.

    ThymeZone

    December 7, 2007 at 10:52 am

    something not involving angle grinders and penises.

    Nice job, Michael. Really, you’re elevating the blog now, no doubt about it.

    I propose a new slogan for BJ: All Queer, All Year.

    Great. Lovin it. Christmas really is the most wonderful time of the year. We’re picking out your present.

    Michael says: Nice. A gay guy puts up a story about some guy who had to get a cockring cut off, and ThymeXone has to write a bigoted comment in response. I never even considered “gay” when I wrote this. Obviously, you can’t think of anything else.

  13. 13.

    Zifnab

    December 7, 2007 at 10:54 am

    Careful, I smell LOL! bait. He could be posting this entry about penises entirely to see if he can get a rise out of us crazy liberals so he can show it to all his friends.

  14. 14.

    Mary

    December 7, 2007 at 11:00 am

    The Road to Wigan Pee-er?

  15. 15.

    ThymeZone

    December 7, 2007 at 11:07 am

    so he can show it to all his friends

    The thread, or his penis?

  16. 16.

    Kynn

    December 7, 2007 at 11:14 am

    You’ll also feel for the guy. It must’ve been the most embarrassing moment in his life.

    Just wait until the promised FairTax defense post!

    FAIR TAX FAIR TAX

  17. 17.

    GeoX

    December 7, 2007 at 11:38 am

    Pynchon’s rocket limericks seem apropos at a time like this…

  18. 18.

    stickler

    December 7, 2007 at 11:50 am

    This:

    It must’ve been the most embarrassing moment in his life.

    … deserves the obvious retort, from Homer Simpson:

    “You mean the worst day of your life so far, Bart.”

  19. 19.

    uh_clem

    December 7, 2007 at 12:23 pm

    He could be posting this entry about penises entirely to see if he can get a rise out of us crazy liberals so he can show it to all his friends.

    Well, at least he’s writing about a subject that he knows something about. That’s a start.

  20. 20.

    Andrew

    December 7, 2007 at 12:41 pm

    Geez, now ImJohnGalt is going to have to change his Michael D. post kill script from “I Like FairTax!” to “I like hearing about penises get stuck in things!”

  21. 21.

    ImJohnGalt

    December 7, 2007 at 12:57 pm

    Uhhhh….consider that killscript in the public domain. While I know that Michael likes the FairTax (despite his weird protestations that he only put that in there to rile us up), I don’t know anything about his love for hearing about penises. Some people find stories like that funny, some don’t (I fall in the latter category). I think it’s the tragicomedy of the event that he was appealing to, rather than the specifics.

    That said, I never did find out exactly what financial issues unique to homosexuals that the Fair Tax addressed.

  22. 22.

    ThymeZone

    December 7, 2007 at 1:42 pm

    write a bigoted comment in response

    Fuck you, man. Seriously, you are the biggest wanker that ever posted here.

    Fuck you and I hope your little experimental job here is short-lived.

    You’re the fucking bigot, and everyone here knows it. Get outta here.

    Shut the fuck up.

  23. 23.

    ThymeZone

    December 7, 2007 at 1:44 pm

    And keep your stupid cowardly little remarks out of my posts.

    When THE FUCK did BJ start overposting commenters’ posts? Who the fuck are you? Are you so afraid of me that you have to post your little penis shots on top of my posts?

  24. 24.

    ImJohnGalt

    December 7, 2007 at 1:47 pm

    Seriously, you are the biggest wanker that ever posted here.

    Well c’mon, that’s a pool of exactly three you’re drawing water from.

    Unless you mean the comments too, and even then, the biggest wanker?

  25. 25.

    Andrew

    December 7, 2007 at 1:50 pm

    And keep your stupid cowardly little remarks out of my posts.

    You have to understand that it is the internet equivalent of bathroom stall toe tapping. It’s how gay Republicans communicate.

  26. 26.

    ThymeZone

    December 7, 2007 at 1:51 pm

    Unless you mean the comments too, and even then, the biggest wanker?

    Yep. This motherfucker is a mean, cowardly little troll on his own blog. He’s a disgrace, posing as a “gay Republican,” posting penis-in-pipe stories, and then pretending that the resulting comments are “bigoted.” He’s totally dishonest to boot (see the Fair Tax thread of yesterday or whenever it was if you want a good example).

    Anyway, I meant what I said.

  27. 27.

    Andrew

    December 7, 2007 at 1:52 pm

    Well c’mon, that’s a pool of exactly three you’re drawing water from.

    Don’t forget that bastard Tom. I’ll never forgive him.

    j/k

    More recipes and wine recommendations, please!

  28. 28.

    ThymeZone

    December 7, 2007 at 1:53 pm

    It’s how gay Republicans communicate.

    Well the, how fortuitous that John brought us one to play with.

    Nice way of saying thanks for three years of supporting his conversion, here’s a lying little prick gay Republican to mind fuck all of you. Enjoy.

  29. 29.

    ImJohnGalt

    December 7, 2007 at 2:08 pm

    I know TZ is a persona, but why the sudden focus on teh Ghey?

    Wouldn’t it be enough to say

    Nice way of saying thanks for three years of supporting his conversion, here’s a lying little prick Republican to mind fuck all of you. Enjoy.

    Anyway, to each his own, but your defense of Larry Craig has been admirable in the other thread, so not quite sure why suddenly it seems you’re using gay as an epithet.

  30. 30.

    Krista

    December 7, 2007 at 3:27 pm

    ThymeZone Says:

    something not involving angle grinders and penises.

    Nice job, Michael. Really, you’re elevating the blog now, no doubt about it.

    I propose a new slogan for BJ: All Queer, All Year.

    Um…actually, TZ, neither the post nor the story had anything to do with homosexuality, from what I can see. If you think the topic is silly, that’s your prerogative. (Although really, we’ve always had some silly topics around here — it’d really change the mood around here if all of the posts were dripping with gravitas.) But you were reading something into it that wasn’t there.

  31. 31.

    tBone

    December 7, 2007 at 3:41 pm

    I’m assuming that TZ is going to claim that he just posted this:

    I propose a new slogan for BJ: All Queer, All Year.

    as a troll to get everyone all riled up, in accordance with the new BJ policy.

    His follow-ups have a distinct lack of LOLing, though, so I’m not sure what the hell he’s up to here.

  32. 32.

    ThymeZone

    December 7, 2007 at 5:12 pm

    But you were reading something into it that wasn’t there.

    Uh, right, I saw those references to penises before I posted and for some reason saw something that wasn’t there.

    A “gay Republican” posts a thread based on this and I’m reading something into it? What the fuck do you think this thread was created for? Political discussion?

    Yeah, right. Look, if you like Michael D and his dishonest and prickish attitude here, don’t let me slow you down. enjoy the hell out of it and defend him as much as you like.

    TZ is going to claim that he just posted this:

    I don’t have to “claim” anything, I know why I posted it, and I’m glad to explain it to you: The thread is am adolescent troll on the blog by a guy who has, in a short time, built a reputation for cheap trolls on the blog. One of which he actually copped to yesterday. I think the guy is a fucking wanker and I am saying so in my fashion.

    Questions?

  33. 33.

    ImJohnGalt

    December 7, 2007 at 5:24 pm

    Well, you could always just install the Balloon-Juice Front Pager Killscript

  34. 34.

    tBone

    December 7, 2007 at 5:32 pm

    Questions?

    Just one – couldn’t you just call the guy a fucking wanker and leave teh ghey out of it?

    Unless you think that guys who get their dicks stuck in weird places are exclusively gay, I fail to see how the original post had anything to do with sexual orientation. Or trolling, for that matter. Apparently you’re seeing something I’m not.

  35. 35.

    ImJohnGalt

    December 7, 2007 at 5:45 pm

    Unless you think that guys who get their dicks stuck in weird places are exclusively gay

    Man, you should’ve *seen* what I woke up with when I was single, straight and living in Manhattan. Weird doesn’t even cover it.

  36. 36.

    tBone

    December 7, 2007 at 6:37 pm

    Weird doesn’t even cover it.

    As long as you didn’t require an angle grinder to extricate yourself, it’s all good.

  37. 37.

    Krista

    December 7, 2007 at 7:30 pm

    A “gay Republican” posts a thread based on this and I’m reading something into it? What the fuck do you think this thread was created for? Political discussion?

    Nope, I think it was created because it’s a crazy story and rather funny. And I really, really fail to see how Michael posting this in any way entails him trying to turn this site into all gay, all the time.

    On a side note, when I was working at a banking call centre, we once got a panicked call from a drunken guy who’d gotten his member caught in the ATM machine. I didn’t take the call, so I don’t recall how it ended. It very well may have been utter bullshit. But having heard some other stories, I’m not as much of a skeptic as I used to be on these matters.

  38. 38.

    canuckistani

    December 8, 2007 at 11:29 am

    I heard one about a guy with a member piercing who went home with a girl who proceeded to get her tongue piercing caught on his member piercing. He needed to call 911 for help, but didn’t know the address, and she couldn’t tell him because her, uh, mouth was full.
    Heard it from a guy who works with local emergency call centre. Probably an urban legend, but pretty funny. In fact, I’m willing to say that stories about guys who get their Peter Johnsons caught in painful situations are universally funny, regardless of the orientation of the teller or listener. I think you owe Michael an apology for this one, TZ.

  39. 39.

    brendancalling

    December 8, 2007 at 4:38 pm

    why was there a metal ring on his dick to begin with? what was this dude fucking?

    and why didn’t he just use some oil or something, or even hot water, to loosen the thing?

  40. 40.

    Phoenician in a time of Romans

    December 8, 2007 at 11:51 pm

    From the story: A spokeswoman for Royal Wigan Infirmary said they were unable to comment about the incident.

    Too busy laughing…

  41. 41.

    Ezert

    December 9, 2007 at 11:35 am

    He wouldn’t have had this problem had he gone here.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qb-Kh1oJSGE

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