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You are here: Home / Humorous / President Bush’s Speech

President Bush’s Speech

by Michael D.|  December 15, 20076:33 pm| 17 Comments

This post is in: Humorous

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In case you missed it.

President Addresses Nation on the Way Forward to Surging Back Towards Desperately Spinning the Clusterfuck That is Vietraq

In light of recent testimony from untouchable warrior-bookworm General Petrolus, the surge is working, and it will continue to work. Peace is breaking out all over, especially in remote, uninhabitable swaths of useless Iraqi desert, thanks in large part to the military troop surge I done wink and nodded into existence eight months ago. The surge has done everything I hoped it would do, which was buy political time so I can pass the buck to whatever poor son of a bitch – or straight up bitch – occupies the Oval Office come 2008.

Sadly, although Whitehouse.org is a humor site, I fear that this is not too far off the mark.

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Reader Interactions

17Comments

  1. 1.

    Zifnab

    December 15, 2007 at 6:45 pm

    Victory is at hand! What have we won?!

    Forty more years in Iraq? Fuck that. How did I get on this game show anyway?

  2. 2.

    Michael D.

    December 15, 2007 at 6:54 pm

    But think of all the fabulous prizes!

  3. 3.

    Robert Johnston

    December 15, 2007 at 7:00 pm

    It hits the mark pretty well. It’s also three months old.

    I’ve been waiting a while now for the next update from whitehouse.org.

  4. 4.

    calipygian

    December 15, 2007 at 7:02 pm

    Not just warrior-bookworm. Warrior-bookworm-Roger Bannister beehatches!

    http://www.runnersworld.com/article/0,7120,s6-243-297–12348-0,00.html

    Gen. David Petraeus has just challenged me to a push-up contest. A moment later he’s prone–ramrod straight, back and arms rigid. Then in a 90-second blur, he hammers out 81 push-ups while deconstructing David Ignatius’s latest novel. How can anyone keep up with that?

    Our workout unfolds early in September. In less than two weeks, Petraeus, the four-star general who commands the multinational force fighting in Iraq, will fly to Washington. There, he’ll sit before a congressional panel to present a midterm report on the war, which will make him the focal point of headlines and TV newscasts and controversy. But right now, he’s just showing a reporter how to bang out push-ups.

    From the tone of that sycophantic article, push-ups aren’t all that that reporter wants the General to bang out.

  5. 5.

    Michael D.

    December 15, 2007 at 7:02 pm

    Robert: Didn’t notice the date. Just thought it was funny. Unfortunately, wh.org doesn’t update enough. Landoverbaptist does though!

  6. 6.

    El Cid

    December 15, 2007 at 7:50 pm

    It sounds like you treasonous bastards are coming close to questioning the glorious, eternal wisdom which is General High Admiral David Augustus Tiberius Lucius Vespasian Julius Flavius Petraeus Maximus the Elder. This is not permitted.

  7. 7.

    Robert Johnston

    December 15, 2007 at 9:34 pm

    Michael: Oh, it’s definitely funny. And thanks for the reminder on Landoverbaptist which, while I’ve always liked it, I’m ashamed to say I didn’t actually have bookmarked until just now.

  8. 8.

    jon

    December 15, 2007 at 10:14 pm

    Vietraq? Where does the obsession with comparisons to Vietnam come from?

    Vietnam was a totally different Asian land war to repress an ideology while really fucking things up by ignoring nationalism. Vietnam wasn’t winnable because we ignored the deeper issues related to their desire to be in charge of their own interests. Vietnam wasn’t a quagmire like Iraq! In Iraq, unlike Vietnam, we can’t just pack up and leave whenever we feel like it. Those ARVNs were total professionals ready to take over their nation upon our departure. In Iraq, there’s absolutely no forces to compare with the on-time, well-equiped, free-of-all-corruption, superior fighting men of the Army of the Republic of Viet Nam we left in charge of that still free nation. And of course, there isn’t a Hanoi Hilton equivalent: not a No-Tel Hotel in sight near Bagdad, that’s for sure.

    Vietraq? Give me a break. Next thing you know, someone will start to compare George W. Bush to Nixon.

  9. 9.

    Robert Johnston

    December 15, 2007 at 10:54 pm

    Next thing you know, someone will start to compare George W. Bush to Nixon.

    Unlikely. There aren’t many Nixon Derangement Syndrome sufferers left out there, and no one else would make that comparison.

  10. 10.

    b-psycho

    December 16, 2007 at 12:18 am

    Didn’t that used to be a porn site? Or was that the dot-com ending I’m thinking about?

  11. 11.

    IanY77

    December 16, 2007 at 12:44 am

    Is that site still active? I haven’t seen an update in months.

  12. 12.

    Michael D.

    December 16, 2007 at 1:21 am

    Robert Johnston: Landoverbaptist is just freakin funny as shit!

  13. 13.

    maxbaer (not the original)

    December 16, 2007 at 5:23 am

    The surge has done everything I hoped it would do, which was buy political time so I can pass the buck to whatever poor son of a bitch – or straight up bitch – occupies the Oval Office come 2008.

    Therefore, the Dems should nominate someone like Kerry again who will be guaranteed to run the worst campaign in history and throw the election to the Reptilians.

  14. 14.

    jon

    December 16, 2007 at 8:10 am

    When John Kerry is the Defense Secretary, some of this damage can be undone.

  15. 15.

    Robert Johnston

    December 16, 2007 at 10:50 am

    Didn’t that used to be a porn site? Or was that the dot-com ending I’m thinking about?

    That would be the dot-gov site that you’re thinking of. I can’t imagine anything more fine tuned to appeal only to the prurient interest than White House press releases over the last seven years.

  16. 16.

    canuckistani

    December 16, 2007 at 12:57 pm

    Next thing you know, someone will start to compare George W. Bush to Nixon.

    Not unless Bush recreates the EPA and scores a major diplomatic coup with a longtime enemy of the US.

  17. 17.

    Delia

    December 16, 2007 at 8:25 pm

    It’s been way too long since I checked out Whitehouse.org. And no, it was never the porn site. I think that was .com.

    Somebody involved in one of the numerous scandals once accidentally sent some emails to this site instead of whitehouse.gov, and the site owner sent them on to Greg Palast. Unfortunately, I forget which scandal it was. I think they were meant for Rove.

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