Havea good one, folks, and don’t forget to leave some cookies and hot cocoa for the fat man.
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Come for the politics, stay for the snark.
Let me eat cake. The rest of you could stand to lose some weight, frankly.
I’m starting to think Jesus may have made a mistake saving people with no questions asked.
Within six months Twitter will be fully self-driving.
Our job is not to persuade republicans but to defeat them.
Insiders who complain to politico: please report to the white house office of shut the fuck up.
We are aware of all internet traditions.
Republicans in disarray!
Some judge needs to shut this circus down soon.
“Jesus paying for the sins of everyone is an insult to those who paid for their own sins.”
In my day, never was longer.
There are a lot more evil idiots than evil geniuses.
Nancy smash is sick of your bullshit.
The arc of history bends toward the same old fuckery.
Let us savor the impending downfall of lawless scoundrels who richly deserve the trouble barreling their way.
Let there be snark.
Their freedom requires your slavery.
If you cannot answer whether trump lost the 2020 election, you are unfit for office.
There are some who say that there are too many strawmen arguments on this blog.
A democracy can’t function when people can’t distinguish facts from lies.
Speaking of republicans, is there a way for a political party to declare intellectual bankruptcy?
Spilling the end game before they can coat it in frankl luntz-approved dogwhistles.
Damn right I heard that as a threat.
The lights are all blinking red.
When they say they’re pro-life, they don’t mean yours.
myiq2xu
Fuck Rush, let him buy his own.
Bruce Moomaw
A few years ago I read a heartwarming horror story about a young boy who tries to poison Santa Claus because he didn’t get enough presents last year, and ends up accidentally poisoning his mother’s boyfriend instead. It seems to me that this little tale sums up the True Meaning Of Modern Christmas so well that they really ought to make a yearly TV special out of it.
Dreggas
Rent silent night, deadly night.
RSA
A number of years ago I was celebrating a quiet Christmas eve with my wife in our apartment outside Munich, when this big guy carrying a stick burst in, his face all covered with soot. He told me I’d been naughty, and beat the hell out of me. German Christmas–never again.
dmhlt
If I were to be granted but one wish for this Holiday Season, it would be for every child in the world to join hands and sing in celebration of us all living together in peace and harmony.
If I happened to be granted two wishes that I could have this Holiday Season, the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in celebration of peace and harmony … and the second would be for a gazillion dollars – tax free!
And if I had chance for three wishes that I could make this Holiday Season – first, of course, would be for all the children to get together and sing … the second would be for the gazillion dollars … and the third would be to have all encompassing power over every living thing in the entire universe.
But if I got real lucky and had four wishes that I could have this Holiday Season, first would be that crap about the kids … second would be the money … the third would be for all the power … and the fourth would be to set aside one day each week for an extended 24-hour orgasm, to be brought about slowly by the celebrity or celebrities of my choosing.
Wait a minute, wait a minute … maybe that sex thing should be the first wish! So, if I made that my first wish, because, you know, the whole world could just go “ka-bluey” tomorrow, and then what have you got? No, no … the kids singing – that would be real nice, that would be great.
Right.… Who am I kidding? I mean, think about it – there’s just no way you’d be able to get all those kids together in one place. Why, the logistics alone is just impossible. And besides, have you ever heard a bunch of kids singing at a Christmas Pageant? Come, on! Give me a break. It’s more trouble than it’s worth!
So, here we go: First, the sex – yeah, we’ll go with that; second, the money. No! We go with the power second, then the money, and then the kids. Oh, wait … geez … I forgot about revenge against my enemies! Okay – we got to make some room here: revenge against all my enemies, that they should die like pigs in Hell! That would be the fourth wish!
And of course, my fifth wish would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in celebration of peace and harmony. There, that ought to do it.
Oh, BTW – Happy Holidays!
Incertus (Brian)
Merry Xmas, and make sure Robot Santa doesn’t catch your ass outside. He thinks everyone has been naughty.
sclaus
hi, i know i don’t frequent this website, but i’m in a bit of a hurry and my paperwork is out of control… let me just get to the question…
is there a person here by the alias of psycho-something? psychoman? psychoguy? I know it starts with “psycho”…
I had to buy 1.4 tons of coal and I don’t know where this brat lives… and the delivery truck drivers get off by 2 AM and are calling me every half-hour to scream at me. Like i’m not paying them.
I swear this little kid better be as evil as my source says he is.
Anyways jolly xmas hohoho n stuff.
myiq2xu
Years ago I was working as an exterminator. A few days before Christmas I called one of my residential customers to schedule their regular service for the following morning.
Imagine my surprise when I showed up at the people’s house and the wife greeted me wearing a sexy negligee. She took my hand, led me to the bedroom, and treated me to an hour or so of so pretty decent sex.
When we had finished and I was putting my clothes back on, the lady pulled a dollar from her purse and handed it to me. I was confused and asked her what the dollar was for.
She told me that the night before she had asked her husband what she should give me for Christmas, and he said “Fuck the exterminator. Give him a dollar.”
craigie
You forgot the rimshot!
Chuck Butcher
Have Johnny Walker Black and do some jolly blogging..
Redleg
I have my daughter and son leave Santa a few cookies and a dram of a nice single malt scotch whisky like Lagavulin, Laphroaig, or Glenrothes.
demimondian
Two of our three are optional Santa participants, and the third (who still believes — or, at least, claims to believe) is already tugged in bed.
myiq2xu
I told the fruit of my loins that Santa got busted at the border and is being waterboarded at Gitmo for the location of his workshop.
demimondian
I’m not sure that our method is kinder, you know. We explain that Santa only brings presents to little boys and girls whose parents love them. That probably explains why the annual selection of lumps of coal is inevitably greeted with relief.
TenguPhule
Remember, believe in the Hogfather, or else the Sun won’t rise!
skippy
merry xmas to all the balloon juicers!
Porco Rosso
TenguPhule:
“Just ‘Ho. Ho. Ho’ will do. Don’t say ‘Cower, brief mortals’ unless you want them to grow up to be moneylenders or such.”
“This is Hogswatch! It’s supposed to be jolly, with mistletoe and holly, and — and other things ending in olly!”
myiq2xu
I’d settle for one Ho, if she’s pretty.
Perry Como
It’s 3:45 am and my duck still hasn’t thawed.
I could have been someone
Well so could anyone
You took my dreams from me
When I first found you
I kept them with me babe
I put them with my own
Cant make it all alone
Ive built my dreams around you
Merry fn xmas.
Psycheout
Mike Huckabee is no longer fat. How dare you.
louisms
PERRY, thanks for reminding me of one of my favorite Christmas songs. I’ll have to dig out that old Pogues album and play it right now.
Have a joyous one, everybody!
Matt
Found while google imaging for an appropriate shot of Jonah Goldberg.
Birdzilla
Watch for me i,ll be flying overhead carrying a banner reading MERRY CHRITMAS and HAPPY NEW YEAR oh yes IM REAL REAL BIG BIRD BUT IM NICE SQUAWK SQUAWK