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You are here: Home / z-Retired Categories / Previous Site Maintenance / Christmas Eve Open Thread

Christmas Eve Open Thread

by John Cole|  December 24, 20077:25 pm| 23 Comments

This post is in: Previous Site Maintenance

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Havea good one, folks, and don’t forget to leave some cookies and hot cocoa for the fat man.

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Previous Post: « Where Have You Been, Peter Wehner?
Next Post: Merry F**king Christmas (NSFW) »

Reader Interactions

23Comments

  1. 1.

    myiq2xu

    December 24, 2007 at 7:42 pm

    don’t forget to leave some cookies and hot cocoa for the fat man.

    Fuck Rush, let him buy his own.

  2. 2.

    Bruce Moomaw

    December 24, 2007 at 8:04 pm

    A few years ago I read a heartwarming horror story about a young boy who tries to poison Santa Claus because he didn’t get enough presents last year, and ends up accidentally poisoning his mother’s boyfriend instead. It seems to me that this little tale sums up the True Meaning Of Modern Christmas so well that they really ought to make a yearly TV special out of it.

  3. 3.

    Dreggas

    December 24, 2007 at 8:17 pm

    Bruce Moomaw Says:

    A few years ago I read a heartwarming horror story about a young boy who tries to poison Santa Claus because he didn’t get enough presents last year, and ends up accidentally poisoning his mother’s boyfriend instead. It seems to me that this little tale sums up the True Meaning Of Modern Christmas so well that they really ought to make a yearly TV special out of it.

    Rent silent night, deadly night.

  4. 4.

    RSA

    December 24, 2007 at 8:20 pm

    A number of years ago I was celebrating a quiet Christmas eve with my wife in our apartment outside Munich, when this big guy carrying a stick burst in, his face all covered with soot. He told me I’d been naughty, and beat the hell out of me. German Christmas–never again.

  5. 5.

    dmhlt

    December 24, 2007 at 8:37 pm

    If I were to be granted but one wish for this Holiday Season, it would be for every child in the world to join hands and sing in celebration of us all living together in peace and harmony.

    If I happened to be granted two wishes that I could have this Holiday Season, the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in celebration of peace and harmony … and the second would be for a gazillion dollars – tax free!

    And if I had chance for three wishes that I could make this Holiday Season – first, of course, would be for all the children to get together and sing … the second would be for the gazillion dollars … and the third would be to have all encompassing power over every living thing in the entire universe.

    But if I got real lucky and had four wishes that I could have this Holiday Season, first would be that crap about the kids … second would be the money … the third would be for all the power … and the fourth would be to set aside one day each week for an extended 24-hour orgasm, to be brought about slowly by the celebrity or celebrities of my choosing.

    Wait a minute, wait a minute … maybe that sex thing should be the first wish! So, if I made that my first wish, because, you know, the whole world could just go “ka-bluey” tomorrow, and then what have you got? No, no … the kids singing – that would be real nice, that would be great.

    Right.… Who am I kidding? I mean, think about it – there’s just no way you’d be able to get all those kids together in one place. Why, the logistics alone is just impossible. And besides, have you ever heard a bunch of kids singing at a Christmas Pageant? Come, on! Give me a break. It’s more trouble than it’s worth!

    So, here we go: First, the sex – yeah, we’ll go with that; second, the money. No! We go with the power second, then the money, and then the kids. Oh, wait … geez … I forgot about revenge against my enemies! Okay – we got to make some room here: revenge against all my enemies, that they should die like pigs in Hell! That would be the fourth wish!

    And of course, my fifth wish would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in celebration of peace and harmony. There, that ought to do it.

    Oh, BTW – Happy Holidays!

  6. 6.

    Incertus (Brian)

    December 24, 2007 at 10:25 pm

    Merry Xmas, and make sure Robot Santa doesn’t catch your ass outside. He thinks everyone has been naughty.

  7. 7.

    sclaus

    December 24, 2007 at 10:46 pm

    hi, i know i don’t frequent this website, but i’m in a bit of a hurry and my paperwork is out of control… let me just get to the question…

    is there a person here by the alias of psycho-something? psychoman? psychoguy? I know it starts with “psycho”…

    I had to buy 1.4 tons of coal and I don’t know where this brat lives… and the delivery truck drivers get off by 2 AM and are calling me every half-hour to scream at me. Like i’m not paying them.

    I swear this little kid better be as evil as my source says he is.

    Anyways jolly xmas hohoho n stuff.

  8. 8.

    myiq2xu

    December 24, 2007 at 10:50 pm

    Years ago I was working as an exterminator. A few days before Christmas I called one of my residential customers to schedule their regular service for the following morning.

    Imagine my surprise when I showed up at the people’s house and the wife greeted me wearing a sexy negligee. She took my hand, led me to the bedroom, and treated me to an hour or so of so pretty decent sex.

    When we had finished and I was putting my clothes back on, the lady pulled a dollar from her purse and handed it to me. I was confused and asked her what the dollar was for.

    She told me that the night before she had asked her husband what she should give me for Christmas, and he said “Fuck the exterminator. Give him a dollar.”

  9. 9.

    craigie

    December 24, 2007 at 11:45 pm

    You forgot the rimshot!

  10. 10.

    Chuck Butcher

    December 24, 2007 at 11:54 pm

    Have Johnny Walker Black and do some jolly blogging..

  11. 11.

    Redleg

    December 25, 2007 at 12:36 am

    I have my daughter and son leave Santa a few cookies and a dram of a nice single malt scotch whisky like Lagavulin, Laphroaig, or Glenrothes.

  12. 12.

    demimondian

    December 25, 2007 at 12:48 am

    Two of our three are optional Santa participants, and the third (who still believes — or, at least, claims to believe) is already tugged in bed.

  13. 13.

    myiq2xu

    December 25, 2007 at 12:54 am

    Two of our three are optional Santa participants, and the third (who still believes—or, at least, claims to believe) is already tugged in bed.

    I told the fruit of my loins that Santa got busted at the border and is being waterboarded at Gitmo for the location of his workshop.

  14. 14.

    demimondian

    December 25, 2007 at 1:11 am

    I’m not sure that our method is kinder, you know. We explain that Santa only brings presents to little boys and girls whose parents love them. That probably explains why the annual selection of lumps of coal is inevitably greeted with relief.

  15. 15.

    TenguPhule

    December 25, 2007 at 1:14 am

    Remember, believe in the Hogfather, or else the Sun won’t rise!

  16. 16.

    skippy

    December 25, 2007 at 2:18 am

    merry xmas to all the balloon juicers!

  17. 17.

    Porco Rosso

    December 25, 2007 at 2:47 am

    TenguPhule:

    “Just ‘Ho. Ho. Ho’ will do. Don’t say ‘Cower, brief mortals’ unless you want them to grow up to be moneylenders or such.”

    “This is Hogswatch! It’s supposed to be jolly, with mistletoe and holly, and — and other things ending in olly!”

  18. 18.

    myiq2xu

    December 25, 2007 at 3:07 am

    Just ‘Ho. Ho. Ho’ will do.

    I’d settle for one Ho, if she’s pretty.

  19. 19.

    Perry Como

    December 25, 2007 at 3:48 am

    It’s 3:45 am and my duck still hasn’t thawed.

    I could have been someone
    Well so could anyone
    You took my dreams from me
    When I first found you

    I kept them with me babe
    I put them with my own
    Cant make it all alone
    Ive built my dreams around you

    Merry fn xmas.

  20. 20.

    Psycheout

    December 25, 2007 at 11:17 am

    Mike Huckabee is no longer fat. How dare you.

  21. 21.

    louisms

    December 25, 2007 at 3:42 pm

    PERRY, thanks for reminding me of one of my favorite Christmas songs. I’ll have to dig out that old Pogues album and play it right now.
    Have a joyous one, everybody!

  22. 22.

    Matt

    December 25, 2007 at 4:17 pm

    Found while google imaging for an appropriate shot of Jonah Goldberg.

  23. 23.

    Birdzilla

    December 25, 2007 at 11:36 pm

    Watch for me i,ll be flying overhead carrying a banner reading MERRY CHRITMAS and HAPPY NEW YEAR oh yes IM REAL REAL BIG BIRD BUT IM NICE SQUAWK SQUAWK

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