This has got to be the funniest thing I’ve read on The Onion in a long time:
Oh, what’s that I hear? The weather’s all screwy? You got a global warming problem? Boo-fucking-hoo! I was telling you morons to turn off your lights and unplug all your shit at night to conserve energy in 19-fuckin’-75, for chrissake. Gee, I wonder what woulda happened if we’d all switched to solar power like I fucking did back when we had a fucking chance to do something about it. Think we’d still be sucking Saudi Arabia’s dick like a five-dollar whore? I sure as fuck didn’t get no fancy Oscar for that little spiel, though, did I? No. But Al Gore, that cum-sucking pig, steals the shit from me and now he’s the greatest thing since Jesus Christ made a fucking sandwich.
Well, he can lick my asshole right after George W. Bush, that fuck. […]
You had your chance with Jimmy Carter, and you fucking blew it. So get fucked. Fucking country.
Hilarious. Rock on, Jimmy.
That was freaking great!!!
What I would give to see the actual Jimmy Carter say that…
You think that was the funniest thing you’ve read on The Onion in a long time?
I’ve got a “sick and twisted” (to quote my ex-wife) sense of humor and I didn’t find anything remotely amusing in there.
Jimmy Carter may not have been up to the job of President but he is a decent and honorable man and a true Christian.
I guess you have to be a conservative to get the joke.
As always, the Onion gets it absofuckinglutely right.
Davis X. Machina
Half-truth in every jest. The punishment for being right too early is far greater than that for being wrong. Ask Howard Dean, Walter Mondale, George McGovern….. and for counterexamples, check any edition of The New York Times.
I guess you have to be a conservative to get the joke.
No, you don’t. It’s just that your ex-wife is wrong.
Very funny piece.
Not quite, Davis – from the NYT archives, it looks like being wrong is rewarded lavishly, whether it’s too early, right on time, or too late.
The article *is* hilarious.
Is it sad that satire is the unspoken reality?
Good Lord, that’s funny. Thanks.
Oh sure – like I’m going to listen to History’s Greatest Monster.
It’s both funny and sad — because that man has every right to say precisely that, but the thought of him going off on a rant like that…heh, that’d be great.
Well, that’s kinda half the joke. Jimmy Carter was an awesome President. People just didn’t realize it in 1980, when solar panels on the White House were for hippies, environmentalism was a great thing to base a cartoon around – but in practice, also for hippies, and the only force in the world that could stop communism was a washed-up actor turned Middle East weapons pimp with the beginnings of Alzheimer’s.
The fact that we’re neck deep in the exact same bullshit we were knee-deep in under Carter kinda suggests that maybe he wouldn’t have been such a bad choice for President over Reagen after all. At least compared to the jackholes who ran the country into the ground after him.
If Jimmy Carter penned that himself, I’d stand up and cheer. The peanut farmer from Georgia knew what was going on. :-p
I still don’t get it. I don’t get Woody Allen either.
This is stupid. Everyone knows Jimmy Carter is not only the Worst President Ever™; he’s very likely Lucifer himself.
myiq2xu: OK, it’s not funny after it’s been explained but the point is that Carter is *still* flagged as a “bad president” when he was *way* ahead of the curve on a number of very critical issues. The article even omits his small and manageable budget deficits. He’s been treated unfairly enough that he has the *right* to say every word of that. Funny part one is how far off the mark conventional wisdom is on Carter. Funny part two is that Carter would *never* speak like that.
Only **real** strategist to occupy the White House in my lifetime. Lousy political instincts (though I don’t think any President would have been popular then, given the systemic problems of the time), but the last decent **man** to serve as a national leader. The maggots who followed him have all been special pleaders and/or morons.
“It’s funny ’cause it’s true!”
Mark from Cleveland
It should also be noted also that Carter’s National Security Advisor, Zbigniew Brzezinski, was significantly more on target about what would happen with our Iraq adventure then our current crop of so called experts (as was one of Carter’s speechwriters, James Fallows, in his piece in the Atlantic just before the war).
I am 46 years old and in a real sense his was the best conservative Presidency of my lifetime.
Jimmy Carter in da muthafuckin’ White House!
J.A.F. Rusty Shackleford
The most infuriating pro-Reagan/anti-Carter legend is that Ronald Reagan got the hostages freed from Iran. In reality, it was Carter and Secretary of State Warren Christopher who negotiated the release of hostages. Reagan and his men were never involved at any point.
Jimmy Carter may not have been a “successful” President, but he definitely wasn’t the worst. And he’s by far the finest, most decent man to occupy the office in my lifetime. Republicans know this and that’s why they attack Carter – he’s everything they wish they could be. Carter is a true Christian, a Naval submarine commander, a farmer – today’s GOP would wet their pants if they had such a candidate to run against the Democrats.
hey Rusty –
google, “october surprise iran hostage crisis”. The Reagan operatives did indeed get them freed – but in a very cynical way calculated to ratfuck Carter.
Don’tcha think it was an odd ‘coincidence’ how the hostages were freed very shortly after Reagan took office?
And when he left office he didn’t tour the world collecting $1,000,000.00 a pop for making speeches. He helped build homes for the homeless.
Sad that the problems we face today are the same that we faced back then (war in the middle east, problems with oil-based-economy, environmental issues)…
I blame the Republicans (no, seriously). The Republican party has spent the better part of 30 years convincing Americans that there is such a thing as a “Free Lunch”, that we can have our cake and eat it to, and that we should give in to our baser instincts and short-term desires (revenge, gluttony, spending).
Boring and sad as it sounds, the fixes are pretty basic: Spend only if you have tax revenue; Save more for a rainy day; Use negotiation and long-term diplomacy over quick/violent fixes to world conflicts; favor solutions over ideology (see sex-ed, poverty programs, etc.)
This is why Republicans have never been the party of prudence and conservatism (with the exception of harkening back to the past on social issues). Maybe Democrats haven’t been either, but at least they show a willingness to embrace the pragmatism of conservation, fiscal sanity and diplomacy when it’s shown to be the thing that works ™.
No, they wouldn’t wet their pants. Look at how Republicans ran against the actual war heroes from the Gulf War (I or II), or actual farmers (see Virginia, Nebraska, Montana in 2006).
They’d invent smears and lie through their teeth about that candidates record. His command of the submarine would be reduced to rumors about him sleeping with a subordinate (rumors spread by people who didn’t serve with him and denied by the subordinate). His farm would be a “hobby” or some “government subsidized boondoggle”, and his Christianity a “cynical ploy to gain favor with the electorate”.
It’s about time we Democrats should absolutely embrace and run candidates with a background like Carter (see Kleeb, Tester, Webb). Not because it will inoculate us against Republican smears, but because these people are the embodiment of Democratic values. Spreading that message (a positive demonstration of who you put forward as your public face) and making it clear that Republicans do the opposite (verbal support in public, but stab-in-the-back of farmers, veterans, the religious) that will notch more “Ws” in our column.
Grand Moff Texan
The hippies were right, the hicks were wrong. So sit down and shut up, goober.
Before President Carter got jobbed by these accusations the same had been done to Gov. Jerry Brown here in CA. (I think that the accusers now use their mobile phones to text each other congratulatory remarks). From Wikipedia: As Governor, Brown proposed the establishment of a state space academy and the purchasing of a satellite that would be launched into orbit to provide emergency communications for the state—a proposal similar to one that would indeed eventually be adopted by the state. In 1978, Chicago Tribune columnist Mike Royko nicknamed Brown “Governor Moonbeam” because of the latter idea. The nickname quickly became associated with his quirky politics, which were considered eccentric by some in California and the rest of the nation. In 1992, almost 15 years later, Royko would disavow the nickname, proclaiming Brown to be “just as serious” as any other politician.
The Other Steve
Maybe there is hope for Bush. The longer time passes, and the more we look back at Carter, the more it’s obvious that he was right all along.
the more it’s obvious that he was right all along.
Yeah, one day people will look back and say “we should have let more major American cities languish in ruins while we dicked around doing photo-ops. Dubya was really ahead of the curve on that one.”
Some day we’ll look back on Iraq and say, “Well, duh!”
Trust me, Jimmy Carter and George W. Bush are very different people. Carter made mistakes, sure. All presidents do. But they were mistakes.
George W. Bush makes fuck ups. I still have nightmares about having supported them at one point.
J.A.F. Rusty Shackleford
Bull pucky. You can enjoy the legend, but that’s all it is.
There were real, actual problems with Jerry Brown of California. I know. I was there. He was telling college professors and high school teachers that they didn’t good salaries since they were getting “psychic pay” because their jobs were so wonderful. It was statements like that which made the Governor Moonbeam label stick, especially as housing prices in SoCal and the Bay Area had already started to skyrocket, and no one was accepting psychic pay as a down payment.
That being said, California is basically ungovernable. Its constitution requires a 2/3 majority to pass the state budget, which means that there is an almost insoluble budget fight between repubs and dems every single year.
But I think Carter was a prophet before his time. And he clearly suffered from not being a handsome movie cowboy who watched Star Wars flicks every night and had allies who would run scams around the Constitution with the Contras and the Iranians.
wingnuts to iraq
If only Carter could have had another term. Everything he said on energy was right.
Ohhh, that parody is just painfully spot on.
“There were real, actual problems with Jerry Brown of California. I know. I was there. He was telling college professors and high school teachers that they didn’t good salaries since they were getting “psychic pay” because their jobs were so wonderful. It was statements like that which made the Governor Moonbeam label stick, especially as housing prices in SoCal and the Bay Area had already started to skyrocket, and no one was accepting psychic pay as a down payment.”
I was here then (6th generation in Los Angeles) and have been since 1954. I don’t recall any of those statements from then Gov. Brown. Please provide some verified quotes. He did throw many ideas onto the table.
And isn’t that the general promise that has been made to firemen, policemen, teachers, etc. That their lower pay compared to the private sector is offset by the benefit and retirement package (that now some counties are coughing at)?
As a native Georgian and American citizen who cast his first Presidential vote for Jimmy Carter of Plains, all I have to add is “Amen!”
Actually, this “editorial” was ghost-written by Freddy the Lobster. (“Just Wait ‘Til I Get These Fucking Rubber Bands Off”)
Yeah, seeing the Governator propose a spending-cap and large budget cuts for already strapped social services, education, etc. makes me wonder WTF is up with California.
There are some times spending cuts are warranted, but more often than not what’s warranted is a targeted tax increase, unless voters approve eliminating some of the social programs. Otherwise just running the programs more poorly by cutting their budgets is not smart long-term thinking. But that’s Republican voodoo economics for you.
California – Start running some better Dems to get that 2/3rds majority and get a real Democratic governor (RINOs like Arnie don’t count). And for the love of god, repeal some of the spending caps. Idiotic policy does not “get better with time” like wine or cheese, it just rots.
OK, that one had me laughing-out-loud…I really shouldn’t be doing that today, what with the IRS e-filing program opening TOMORROW and all the chaos we have going on here with our Tax Preparer clients not knowing WTF is happening with AMT and the inevitable messy little software e-filing issues that crop up every year, but I couldn’t help myself.
Well, back to my grindstone.
There’s no similarity there at all. Because here’s the thing about Bush the Lesser: In every way that matters, he **is** the moral and intellectual heir of the Sainted Reagan. ALL of the disasters and fuck-ups perpetrated by this gang of criminals is Reaganism in full flower. Hell, in most cases even the perps are the same.
You cannot view Bush honestly and intelligently (i.e., as a failure and a criminal), and simultaneously admire the “virtues” of Reagan.
I’m on the other coast, so I might be wrong in the details, but it’s my understanding that California’s reliance on government by referendum has produced an incoherent set of “priorities” — mandates for groovy social and educational programs right alongside restrictions on ever levying a tax. I doubt that any California politicians are admirable (you guys inflicted that worthless, spineless b*tch Pelosi on us), but Californians seem to be getting a big dose of what they themselves have been asking for.
The line was “psychic income,” and here’s a verification link
It’s a good assessment of the whole Brown phenomenon.
Thanks Delia for the link. I don’t mean to keep defending Gov. Brown but it is the tone of the putdowns (as with President Carter, the topic of this post) that reek to me. I used the googles and found this for psychic income:
Intangible benefits above and beyond the utilitarian value derived from a purchase. The greater the psychic income expected, the more a consumer is willing to spend on a purchase. For example, someone who would not spend more than $200 on an ordinary item of clothing may nevertheless spend as much as $1000 on a wedding dress because, in her mind, the importance of the occasion increases the benefit derived from looking her best. Similarly, people with very little discretionary income sometimes purchase expensive cars because the car enhances their feelings of self-worth.
Many examples of this on the googles.
His use was not the best way to keep the uni proffs on his side. And it’s use against him did nothing to further the debate, as the NYT article linked in your comment lays out.
I loved that article, and I agree it would be almost worth it to hear Carter say it himself.
What’s sad is that Carter himself will likely pass away within five or ten years, and his obituaries will pretty much say the same thing minus the swearing. Most people aren’t going to start appreciating the man until that happens.
Carter doesn’t rank as high with in the C-SPAN Historian Survey as he does with some of you folks.
Don’t you folks recall the malaise, the crisis of confidence? The man was a crappy leader.
Policy? We have this thing called the initiative. Back in the 70’s an initiative called Prop. 13 changed our constitution to require 2/3 approval of the voters to raise taxes. Any taxes.
If 65% of the voters want to raise the local property or sales tax 1/2 of 1% to build schools or roads, it loses.
Dumb mo fo’s.
Yeah, this government by popular initiative is one of the most pernicious ideas to take hold in state government that I can think of. It’s a fantastic way for special interests and out of state groups to come in and push some ideological agenda while completely disguising the nature of the sponsors or the effect of the purported law. It’s that way in California, and it’s that way in Oregon. It seems to be that way in a lot of places.
Having the stupid masses actually making decisions on how they are taxed or how their money is spent is so ruinous.
Perhaps Jonah Goldberg has some valid points in his book.
I’m just going to let that one stand on its own.