Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Thanks to your bullshit, we are now under siege.

Balloon Juice, where there is always someone who will say you’re doing it wrong.

Perhaps you mistook them for somebody who gives a damn.

Fight them, without becoming them!

Text STOP to opt out of updates on war plans.

Disappointing to see gov. newsom with his finger to the wind.

We will not go back.

We are learning that “working class” means “white” for way too many people.

Of course you can have champagne before noon. That’s why orange juice was invented.

Stand up, dammit!

Republicans are the party of chaos and catastrophe.

I’d hate to be the candidate who lost to this guy.

At some point, the ability to learn is a factor of character, not IQ.

Republican also-rans: four mules fighting over a turnip.

Within six months Twitter will be fully self-driving.

Wow, you are pre-disappointed. How surprising.

Anyone who bans teaching American history has no right to shape America’s future.

Hi god, it’s us. Thanks a heap, you’re having a great week and it’s only Thursday!

You don’t get rid of your umbrella while it’s still raining.

Whoever he was, that guy was nuts.

With all due respect and assumptions of good faith, please fuck off into the sun.

There is no compromise when it comes to body autonomy. You either have it or you do not.

Speaker Mike Johnson is a vile traitor to the House and the Constitution.

They punch you in the face and then start crying because their fist hurts.

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Reader Interactions

47Comments

  3. 3.

    Thom

    Oh no, they’re gonna find out about the Vast Left Wind Conspiracy of Satirical Online Newspapers. We’re in trouble now.

  9. 9.

    myiq2xu

    Jeebus, if they hate the Onion that much, what do they think of Jon and Stephen?

    Nevermind, I just realized that they don’t know that the Colbert Report is satire.

    Redneck Dictionary – “Satire” Satire flat again? I musta run over a nail.

  11. 11.

    Jay B.

    That NewsBusters site is a treasure! They bitched that John Kerry wasn’t made fun of enough in the Onion.

    They also don’t know (so shhhhh…) that while this guy might be a dreaded liberal, one of the guys before him was Ben Karlin, who became Jon Stewart’s and Steven Colbert’s chief writer (he’s since moved on) and also pretty liberal.

  12. 12.

    srv

    Where else is the guy supposed to go, Fox has been reading like The Onion for the last couple of years.

  13. 13.

    Robert Johnston

    Fox has been reading like The Onion for the last couple of years.

    Perhaps you meant that reading FOX has been like chopping an onion?

  16. 16.

    Robert Johnston

    watch Dennis Miller

    Oh lord no. Better to watch Pat Buchanan’s speech to the 1992 Republican national Convention if you want funny.

  18. 18.

    Tim F.

    Try teaching these people humor.

    The Reviewers have been told to gather for a cocktail reception on the Lido, near the very top of the ship. I arrive to find a tableau from Gone With the Wind, washed in a thousand shades of grey. Southern belles – aged and pinched – are flirting with old conservative warriors. The etiquette here is different from anything I have ever seen. It takes me 15 minutes to realise what is wrong with this scene. There are no big hugs, no warm kisses. This is a place of starchy handshakes. Men approach each other with stiffened spines, puffed-out chests and crunching handshakes. Women are greeted with a single kiss on the cheek. Anything more would be French.

    I adjust and stiffly greet the first man I see. He is a judge, with the craggy self-important charm that slowly consumes any judge. He is from Canada, he declares (a little more apologetically), and is the founding president of “Canadians Against Suicide Bombing”. Would there be many members of “Canadians for Suicide Bombing?” I ask. Dismayed, he suggests that yes, there would.

    You’ll sooner cure cancer.

  19. 19.

    myiq2xu

    Better to watch Pat Buchanan’s speech to the 1992 Republican national Convention if you want funny.

    Wasn’t Al Franken the first to correctly note that Pat was probably scaring the bejeebus out of middle America?

    Something about goosestepping while making the extended arm salute makes people nervous.

  20. 20.

    Robert Johnston

    Dennis Miller was funny when good writers put together his fake news for him. FOX has shit writers.

    I’m firmly convinced that Weekend Update is largely funny only in comparison to the rest of what’s put out by SNL. Miller didn’t exactly have a high bar to leap over. I’d laugh at a Larry Craig porn video after a half hour of Chris Farley or John Lovitz.

  21. 21.

    Robert Johnston

    Wasn’t Al Franken the first to correctly note that Pat was probably scaring the bejeebus out of middle America?

    I think you’re right. IIRC he called it during the Comedy Central coverage of the speech.

  22. 22.

    yet another jeff

    Wasn’t that when Franken and Huffington were in pajamas together? The first Pajamas Media! Well, she was a conservative back then…

  23. 23.

    Pooh

    Jeezus, Tim. How did I miss that article the first time. Several pages of “What the fuck is wrong with these people?”

  24. 24.

    myiq2xu

    Wasn’t that when Franken and Huffington were in pajamas together? The first Pajamas Media! Well, she was a conservative back then…

    That was when her ex-husband was running for the Senate in California against Di-Fi.

    Then he came out of the closet so she divorced him and became a Democrat.

  27. 27.

    wasabi gasp

    I hate when I make grammar and spelling errors, and always appreciate corrections!

    Ain’t they learned you yaw oughtta outtas in skool?

  29. 29.

    Krista

    For fuck’s sake, watch Dennis Miller and then watch David Cross. Get back to me.

    Hey, I already read that interview with Goldberg today. Haven’t I been punished enough?

  30. 30.

    srv

    Man, I hadn’t seen Miller in a couple of years until last week. He was doing some retrospective with O’Rielly. I couldn’t figure out if it was supposed to be serious or funny.

    Sorta like The Onion. It was supposed to be funny, but then it became reality.

  31. 31.

    Robert Johnston

    Sorta like The Onion. It was supposed to be funny, but then it became reality became it.

    Ah. Better.

  32. 32.

    stickler

    Regarding Pat Buchanan:

    Wasn’t Al Franken the first to correctly note that Pat was probably scaring the bejeebus out of middle America?

    I don’t know about that. Lots of people pointed out how disturbing that speech was. But it was Molly Ivins, I think, who quipped that “it sounded better in the original German.”

    And now to Dennis Miller. That jagoff has a radio show here in Portland f****ng Oregon, and man does it suck. Three hours during morning drive time of him babbling dipshit nonsense. Drives me nuts.

  33. 33.

    Robert Johnston

    Wasn’t Al Franken the first to correctly note that Pat was probably scaring the bejeebus out of middle America?

    I don’t know about that. Lots of people pointed out how disturbing that speech was.

    Ah, found the quote:

    Comedy Central aired its own live coverage of both conventions. . . . Franken sensed–and said–that the ugly tone of Pat Buchanan’s speech was a mistake . . . that it would backfire. It wasn’t until days or even weeks later that the traditional pundits called the speech the beginning of the eld for the Bush campaign

    Out of Rolling stone, quoted through Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot

  35. 35.

    Jess

    And now to Dennis Miller. That jagoff has a radio show here in Portland f****ng Oregon, and man does it suck. Three hours during morning drive time of him babbling dipshit nonsense. Drives me nuts.

    Um…turn off the radio? just a suggestion…

  36. 36.

    Robert Johnston

    Only the better informed conservatives read The Onion. I’d wager anything, at any odds, that someone getting his news primarily from The Onion is, on average, demonstrably better informed about the world than someone who uses FOX News as a primary news source.

  37. 37.

    Ted

    Try teaching these people humor.

    I would have loved to have been on that cruise with a video camera. Catch NPod when he’s tipsy at 9pm revealing his more honest designs on the Middle East.

  38. 38.

    Gus

    Big fucing surprise. Unless I hear otherwise I generally figure anything artistic or entertaining is liberal. The list of great conservative comedians is about as long as the list of great Jewish NBA centers.

  40. 40.

    tBone

    I really liked Dennis Miller’s old HBO show. Makes me sad every time I see him on TV these days, yukking it up with shitbags that he would have viciously skewered 10 years ago.

    Course, all I have to do to make myself feel better is look at his career trajectory since he became a rightwing drone. Ha ha! [/Nelson voice]

  41. 41.

    Peter Johnson

    I always thought The Onion had a left-wing edge — in addition to being almost cosmically unfunny. This proves it.

    Maybe they’ll turn the publication over to people with functioning senses of humor now.

  42. 42.

    Voice of Reason

    I always thought Peter Johnson had a right-wing edge—in addition to having a cosmic dildo wedged firmly up his ass.

    Maybe he’ll turn his lame commentary over to the side of his bipolar personality proficient at self-fellating.

  43. 43.

    dslak

    Dennis Miller’s HBO show was pretty funny, as well as a couple of his books. I think it’s 9/11 and wingnut welfare that ruined him. Before, he had to be funny to make money. Now, he just has to insult liberals.

  44. 44.

    Robert Johnston

    I always thought Peter Johnson had a right-wing edge—in addition to having a cosmic dildo wedged firmly up his ass.

    Well, yeah, but the real question is: how many wetsuits?

  45. 45.

    TR

    The Onion has a weekly print circulation of 710,000 and a few million hits a week on the web.

    But if Peter Johnson thinks it’s unfunny, it must be true. When has he been wrong before?

  46. 46.

    Tax Analyst

    Peter, you are tragically unfunny and apparently pathetically unaware of it.

    I guess the word I’m looking for here is “Sad”.

  47. 47.

    Robert Johnston

    Peter, you are tragically unfunny and apparently pathetically unaware of it.

    I guess the words I’m looking for here is “Sad” are “Dennis Miller”.

    Corrected for my own amusement.

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