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You are here: Home / Politics / Shorter Cap’n Ed

Shorter Cap’n Ed

by Tim F|  February 18, 200811:14 am| 31 Comments

This post is in: Politics, Blogospheric Navel-Gazing

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As always, speaking for the Republican hierarchy.

Dear fundies – thanks for voting; now step to the back of the f*cking bus.

It’s hard to blame Ed for getting frustrated. His party can’t win without religious right votes, and they can’t win if they run on the medieval agenda of the GOP’s more extreme fundies. Too bad for the old coalition the Jesus voters don’t seem ready to settle any longer for lip service and an occasional schiavogasm. Having ridden the back of the bus for going on thirty years religious voters have clearly realized that they might do better if they get out and walk.

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31Comments

  1. 1.

    Zifnab

    February 18, 2008 at 11:34 am

    Too bad for the GOP that Jesus voters don’t seem ready to settle any longer for lip service and an occasional schiavogasm. Having ridden the back of the bus for going on thirty years religious voters have clearly realized that they might do better if they get out and walk.

    Meh. This is going to be an anomaly in the long run. Religious voters wanted Pat Robertson in ’88, but took the walk of shame back after Bush the Elder won. They try to push fundies for Governor or Senator in SC and Georgia and Alabama, but big business always reigns them back in. Politically, all the Jesus-wingers are able to get is lip service. They just don’t have the numbers or funds to run with Exxon or AT&T and get the sort of love they think they deserve.

    And let’s get real, here. The ranking members of the fundie faiths don’t give two craps about unwed pregnant mothers or gay adoption or drug addictions. They want their tax-free status maintained indefinitely and they want as big a slice of the government welfare pie as they can jam their greedy little fingers into. This is, and always has been, about money. Their “agenda” is making sure the church elders get paid. So long as McCain is willing to throw some pork balls at the right people and chant Jesus’s name enough times, you’ll see Dobson / Robertson / Perkins come around.

  2. 2.

    4telulz

    February 18, 2008 at 11:47 am

    So if fundies sit in the back of the bus, does that mean that Huckabee is Rosa Parks?

  3. 3.

    4tehlulz

    February 18, 2008 at 11:48 am

    >>So if fundies sit in the back of the bus, does that mean that Huckabee is Rosa Parks?

    That was me…..

  4. 4.

    Jen

    February 18, 2008 at 11:48 am

    So long as McCain is willing to throw some pork balls at the right people and chant Jesus’s name enough times, you’ll see Dobson / Robertson / Perkins come around.

    Okay, I’d probably buy that, but will the voters come around? I love Huckabee voters. They’re just like a giant “screw y’all” to the GOP. I am kind of inclined to think they will continue that attitude even when he isn’t on the ticket any more. McCain just isn’t one of them at all. McCain isn’t really one of anyone, come to think of it.

    Speaking of another Arizona person, I know nothing about her, but Gov. Janet Napolitano was on Wait, Wait this past weekend and she sounded cool to me. Like, this is more the kind of gal I’d go for for First Woman President. She talked about how she has the only gubernatorial condominium in the country.

  5. 5.

    RSA

    February 18, 2008 at 11:49 am

    I liked this bit in the comments:

    The way Left is manipulating politically correct language and has mastered label slapping on the Right really became a dangerous political issue, infringing deeply on the freedom of speech. Most of the Republican candidates seem to be terrified to be labeled as “Evangelical”, or being called a “Fundamentalist”, or even an “Economic Conservative”.

    Of course, most of the Republican candidates are not (or at least were not) evangelicals, so there’s no reason to embrace the label. Huckabee, who is an evangelical, does. And on “economic conservatism” or at least its modern incarnation as “lower taxes, now and forever”, it’s instructive to look at McCain’s recent flip-flops. But what I like the most is the conflation of plastering labels on politicians and their freedom of speech.

  6. 6.

    RSA

    February 18, 2008 at 11:51 am

    Off-topic: Why the hell does Captain Ed’s site crash my browser? Goddamned Safari. (I know, get a PC, but Firefox does work. . .)

  7. 7.

    Jen

    February 18, 2008 at 11:53 am

    Why the hell does Captain Ed’s site crash my browser?

    Maybe your browser just can’t handle the atrocity that is “Day by Day”…?

  8. 8.

    Z

    February 18, 2008 at 11:56 am

    How dare those voters put their deeply held religious beliefs above party loyalty? Apostates! And just because 15 republicans have been involved in sex and corruption scandals… I tell you: There is no pleasing these people! To Gitmo with them!

    /snark

  9. 9.

    ThymeZone

    February 18, 2008 at 12:05 pm

    OT, but you MUST see the GHWB Bush endorsement of McCain, the speech from this morning.

    Watch the eyes of Cindy McCain over Bush’s shoulder, and tell me if this is not the weirdest fucking thing you have ever seen in your life. I mean, Twilight Zone material.

    Watch the whole video while Bush speaks. Turn off the sound if you can’t stand the speech itself.

  10. 10.

    MNPundit

    February 18, 2008 at 12:05 pm

    What does Cap’n Ed actually support? What is HIS GOP platform? I honestly have no clue.

  11. 11.

    MNPundit

    February 18, 2008 at 12:06 pm

    Also damn, I can’t edit but Day by Day is the only reason I ever go to Captain Ed’s site. I’m not a huge fan of the writing, but I like the art style.

  12. 12.

    cmoreNC

    February 18, 2008 at 12:11 pm

    Thing about fundies is that on a personal level, many of them can be surprisingly solid, fun people to work with and hang out with in many (but not all) contexts. They’re often the sorts of people you’d gladly trust to have as neighbors. When you talk to them, often for hours down by the mailbox or at a season’s worth of soccer practices for a team both your kids are on, they can sound surprisingly sensible, practical-minded people. I’m sure Mike Huckabee would be a charming, interesting guy to have over for a backyard barbeque some evening.

    SO LONG AS you don’t get them talking about politics or religion. Suddenly, your cozy neighbor can morph into an alien from the Alpha Centauri.

  13. 13.

    dslak

    February 18, 2008 at 12:15 pm

    cmoreNC, that dichotomy is why I’m so ambivalent about my home state of Oklahoma.

  14. 14.

    Zifnab

    February 18, 2008 at 12:15 pm

    The problem the Religious Right had in this primary was the hang-up over religion, which their movement had avoided for most of its period of influence. In the end, their leaders couldn’t see past religion to policy, and that left Romney twisting in the wind.

    I do love when Ed really whips out the stoopid and starts flinging it around. I mean, seriously? Seriously? Are you kidding me?

    Let me try rephrasing that:

    The problem the Corporate Right had in this primary was the hang-up over corporate profits, which their movement had avoided for most of its period of influence. In the end, their leaders couldn’t see past corporate profits to policy, and that left Romney twisting in the wind.

    Yeah. Sounds much more believable now.

  15. 15.

    wasabi gasp

    February 18, 2008 at 12:20 pm

    I hate links to Cap’n Ed’s javascript jamboree. Mostly, though, it’s the comic that does me in. After reading it, I become lost in the wilderness, the meaninglessness of life comes barreling down upon me, confusion assults my senses, and there I stand with three panes of anti-compass and my dead buddy, Humor.

  16. 16.

    Jen

    February 18, 2008 at 12:23 pm

    Day by Day Remix
    It’s the modern day Dysfunctional Family Circus

  17. 17.

    Charity

    February 18, 2008 at 12:27 pm

    Thank you for “Schiavogasm.” Worth the price of admission alone.

  18. 18.

    Timb

    February 18, 2008 at 12:34 pm

    You realize there are more comments here than at Cappy’s? Does that mean they don’t care about the kooks, or he just has no traffic?

  19. 19.

    demimondian

    February 18, 2008 at 12:50 pm

    Does that mean they don’t care about the kooks, or he just has no traffic?

    Do I have to choose?

  20. 20.

    The Other Steve

    February 18, 2008 at 1:06 pm

    What Zifnab said.

    This is about money. Fundies like Dobson don’t really care about people, as long as his pockets are lined.

    Although I think we’ll find the fundies sit out the election this year.

  21. 21.

    Svensker

    February 18, 2008 at 1:08 pm

    Watch the eyes of Cindy McCain over Bush’s shoulder, and tell me if this is not the weirdest fucking thing you have ever seen in your life. I mean, Twilight Zone material.

    Watch the whole video while Bush speaks. Turn off the sound if you can’t stand the speech itself.

    TZ, that is seriously odd. Does she have really pale eyes? Or no eyeballs at all? Or maybe a very large case of sanpaku?

    BTW, when you say “over your shoulder” and “Cindy McCain” in the same sentence that is sexist, because “over your shoulder” brings up images of infants being burped and infants bring up the infantilization of women and Cindy McCain is a woman, ergo: sexism. Unless, of course, you have the definitive video proof that Cindy McCain is a non-gendered alien, in which case: not sexism. For your sake, I hope she’s the alien.

  22. 22.

    jrg

    February 18, 2008 at 1:10 pm

    It may be that large number of evangelicals are looking for a way to leave the GOP, because of the damage divisive politics is doing to religion. I seem to get this vibe from a some of the religious people I know.

    The fact that McCain is the nominee might be as much a symptom of the divide between the GOP and it’s base as it is a cause for the divide between the GOP and it’s base.

    For some reason, evangelicals seemed primed for petulance this cycle, and Gilgoff speculates that post-W malaise could have been part of the reason.

    If you’re someone who thinks that a flat-earther as president is as good as it gets and anyone more secular will take the country downhill, life must be both depressing and confusing after 7+ years of Chimpy the Chuckling Dimwit.

  23. 23.

    Rudi

    February 18, 2008 at 1:27 pm

    RSA Says:

    Off-topic: Why the hell does Captain Ed’s site crash my browser? Goddamned Safari. (I know, get a PC, but Firefox does work. . .)

    Just stick with Firefox and use the addons NoScript and AdBlockerPlus. Both addons will block scripts or whole sites when a page loads. The old CQ was a real mess on older machines, all the stupid graphics and adds locked up a PC. The two addons give you the option to block unwanted sites and scripts.

  24. 24.

    TenguPhule

    February 18, 2008 at 2:15 pm

    What does Cap’n Ed actually support? What is HIS GOP platform? I honestly have no clue.

    Mutual Cockslapping among friends with the occasional ball suckling, I believe. Hence Ed’s fear of the Fundies.

  25. 25.

    The Other Steve

    February 18, 2008 at 2:19 pm

    Mutual Cockslapping among friends with the occasional ball suckling, I believe. Hence Ed’s fear of the Fundies.

    You’re thinking Jeff Goldstein.

    Captain Ed only cares about tax cuts.

  26. 26.

    TenguPhule

    February 18, 2008 at 2:59 pm

    Captain Ed only cares about tax cuts.

    How else could he afford his friends?

  27. 27.

    jenniebee

    February 18, 2008 at 10:41 pm

    Snake eats own tail, film at 11.

  28. 28.

    LiberalTarian

    February 18, 2008 at 11:51 pm

    Get out and walk?

    How about reading the word of God, specifically Christ, and his sermon on the mount?

    Oh, wait … they’re Republicans. Republican Jesus never gave a Sermon on the Mount. His sermons are mounted with meth on some gay dude he paid for with the money he sure as shit wasn’t giving to the poor! My bad.

  29. 29.

    jake

    February 19, 2008 at 12:00 am

    It’s hard to blame Ed for getting frustrated. His party can’t win without religious right votes, and they can’t win if they run on the medieval agenda of the GOP’s more extreme fundies made a bed of nails and even Special Ed can no longer ignore the pricking.

    Here’s my reaction whenever some fRightened Keyboardist whines about how the damn Christians are ruining the party:

    Ha ha ha ha. Too fucking bad mother fucker, suck my balls.

  30. 30.

    ET

    February 19, 2008 at 8:55 am

    I assume Ed hasn’t had his head up his a** for the last 20+ years, so I assume he understands that these are the same people that have given the GOP all the power that have gotten fat off of. I guess he wants things like they used to be. Take the fundies money, votes, and hard work but then get them to shut the hell up and let the “better” people run things. While I don’t appreciate the fundies role in politics, I can’t blame them for not wanting to be used, abused, and ignored.

  31. 31.

    El

    February 19, 2008 at 7:14 pm

    I can’t blame them for not wanting to be used, abused, and ignored.

    They want to take back the Country for Jeezis.

    Fuck’em.

    Dry.

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