Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

He seems like a smart guy, but JFC, what a dick!

If you tweet it in all caps, that makes it true!

One lie, alone, tears the fabric of reality.

Trumpflation is an intolerable hardship for every American, and it’s Trump’s fault.

Wow, I can’t imagine what it was like to comment in morse code.

Following reporting rules is only for the little people, apparently.

Radicalized white males who support Trump are pitching a tent in the abyss.

Consistently wrong since 2002

I’m starting to think Jesus may have made a mistake saving people with no questions asked.

Dear Washington Post, you are the darkness now.

Beware of advice from anyone for whom Democrats are “they” and not “we.”

The current Supreme Court is a dangerous, rogue court.

“In the future, this lab will be a museum. do not touch it.”

Republicans: The threats are dire, but my tickets are non-refundable!

Innocent people do not delay justice.

The fight for our country is always worth it. ~Kamala Harris

Celebrate the fucking wins.

The words do not have to be perfect.

The only way through is to slog through the muck one step at at time.

No offense, but this thread hasn’t been about you for quite a while.

So it was an October Surprise A Day, like an Advent calendar but for crime.

She burned that motherfucker down, and I am so here for it. Thank you, Caroline Kennedy.

A snarling mass of vitriolic jackals

Republicans: “Abortion is murder but you can take a bus to get one.” Easy peasy.

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Late Night Open Thread

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Speaking for Everyone

Ashton Kutcher is not funny. He is the unfunny. He is the opposite of funny. Especially when he is on SNL as the host the week after Christopher Walken.

Speaking of funny, it is being reported that Hillary is billing herself as a pistol-packing mama who was raised on guns. That is why the Tuzla Tigress was unfazed by the sniper fire in Bosnia, and able to stand under a withering flurry of bullets and listen to kids recite poetry on the tarmac.

As a treat, I give you this:

Behave- the comments are getting a little testy (kind of expected when you run five F–K Hillary threads, I guess), but kick it down a notch.

By the way- did all of you know that our sister site, Blogs 4 Brownback, has a specialty store where you can purchase your “Heliocentrism is an atheist doctrine” apparel?

Reader Interactions

42Comments

  2. 2.

    myiq2xu

    Ashton Kutcher is not funny. He is the unfunny. He is the opposite of funny.

    That’s two things in a row that we agree on.

    Stop it! You’re creeping me out.

  4. 4.

    John Cole

    John,
    Look at what your fellow Democrats were busy doing today.

    Kind of a sore subject for me. I contacted the person from my county 4 times, emailing, phoning her at home twice, and calling her cell phone twice, and she never got back to me. I have never done anything with the Democrats here and did not know what to do, they never got back to me, so I guess I missed out.

  5. 5.

    vwcat

    Well Huffpo is nothing if not equal opportunity. Yesterday they let the nasty Mayhill Fowler kick of the Obama thing and now they have plastered on their frontpage headline about Hillary and her new adventures in guns.
    I personally think Hillary missed her true calling: Fiction writer.

  6. 6.

    vwcat

    Carnacki, wow. I thought w. virginia was pro Hillary big time.
    But, according to this, most of the delegates and those attending were big for Obama.

  7. 7.

    vernonlee

    Ah, finally it clicks into place: I remember being on a family trip from the ‘burbs into San Francisco in the 1970s and seeing a billboard with a joke my parents seemed to recognize and yet really not want us to see:

    a reclining naked man with one paper bag on his head, one on his package, featuring the caption: The Unknown Comic.

    Now, decades later, I get the joke.

  8. 8.

    cleek

    mothrafucking Spoon is playing in Durham tomorrow and somehow i failed to know this until last night, when the show was already sold-out (and there are no tix on Craigslist or eBay).

    when i wake up tomorrow, i’m going to start drinking, so as to not be awake when the show starts… without me. so great is the pain.

    some might say “but cleek, if that’s your real name, what’s so great about Spoon ? and why this show ?” to you i say “this is the last time you’ll see this band on a small stage. after this, they will either turn arena-sized or blow apart, and then you’ll be sad.” and you will. and i am.

    f hillary

  9. 9.

    Notorious P.A.T.

    Speaking for myself only

    No, Kutcher is not funny. Fortunately everyone else on that show is. Nice roasting of Hillary in the first sketch.

  10. 10.

    rob!

    i think SNL smarted from being perceived as in the tank for HRC that one week, so now they’re going out of their way to go to the other side.

    last week–Chris Walken putting googly eyes on plants. i’m still laughing over it. would NOT have worked with any other host.

  13. 13.

    Martin

    Looks like West Virginia could be more interesting than many of us thought.

    Today in Berkeley County, one of the largest counties in the state, 50 of the 52 delegates elected at the county convention today to the state convention in Charleston were Sen. Barack Obama supporters.

    …

    West Virginia Blue is getting comments and emails from other counties showing other high support for Obama.

    * Morgan County, 30 out of 32 delegates for Obama.

    * Ohio County, 75 percent of the crowd were estimated to be Obama supporters. No delegate count included.

    * Pocahontas County, 100 percent of delegates for Obama.

    * Greenbrier County, 25 out of 28 delegates for Obama. Three uncommitted.

    From MyDD:

    Was there any talk of the Outrage Du Jour that proves that Obama is the Worst Person Ever?

    There was some discussion, but it was from people agreeing with him, including the Hillary Clinton supporter in the Valley district.

    If Clinton keeps on with the “There is no such thing as a pledged delegate” talk it could really bite her in the ass.

  14. 14.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    West Virginia Blue is getting comments and emails from other counties showing other high support for Obama.

    Morgan County, 30 out of 32 delegates for Obama.
    Ohio County, 75 percent of the crowd were estimated to be Obama supporters. No delegate count included.
    Pocahontas County, 100 percent of delegates for Obama.
    Greenbrier County, 25 out of 28 delegates for Obama. Three uncommitted.

    Good luck doing that in Mingo, Logan, Wyoming, McDowell and Mercer. I’ve got two different sets of inlaws there and they don’t appear to be hepped up about Obama.. in the good way.

    Well, actually Mercer might split down the middle.

  15. 15.

    Phoenix Woman

    Hillary falsely says that Obama dissed rural voters. Well, back in October she for real dissed the entire state of Mississippi!

    http://apnews.myway.com/article/20080308/D8V98FO00.html

    Clinton tries to revise Mississippi comments

    Mar 8, 7:31 AM (ET)

    By SARA KUGLER

    HATTIESBURG, Miss. (AP) – Democratic presidential contender Hillary Rodham Clinton tried to backpedal Friday from comments she made in October suggesting Mississippi was a backward place for women’s progress.

    Speaking to radio station WJZD-FM in Gulfport, Miss., the former first lady said the comments she made about the state in the run up to the Iowa caucuses “were not exactly what I said,” even though they came directly from an interview she gave to the Des Moines Register in October.

    http://www.politico.com/blogs/jonathanmartin/1007/Hillarys_Mississippi_comments.html

    Hillary’s Mississippi comments

    By Jonathan Martin, Politico

    October 25, 2007

    I’ve been a little surpised that more GOP presidential candidates haven’t jumped on the comments Hillary made to David Yepsen the other day in discussing her candidacy in Iowa.

    In case you missed it, the third graf is key:
    “I was shocked when I learned Iowa and Mississippi have never elected a woman governor, senator or member of Congress. There has got to be something at work here,” she said, theorizing it may be the risk-averse nature of a state built around agriculture.

    “I think not only do I have to bring people to me, I have to maybe reassure people here maybe more than I do in New Hampshire, which has had a woman governor,” she said.

    “I think Iowa poses a special burden, or a special obstacle to me because when you look at the numbers, how can Iowa be ranked with Mississippi? That’s not what I see. That’s not the quality. That’s not the communitarianism, that’s not the openness I see in Iowa.”

  16. 16.

    tom.a

    To be fair, virtually no one is funny when appearing after Christopher Walken. Rob! I’m right there with you, that sketch of his putting the googly eyes on plants was a classic.

  17. 17.

    Martin

    Heh… never saw Carnacki in these parts and didn’t read the comments before I posted.

    I’m such a tool.

  18. 18.

    Psycheout

    Yet another reason why John Cole is one of the most important lefty bloggers in the known universe.

    Another great post, John. You may not always be right on the issues (any more), but you’re never boring.

    Darn that Hillary!

  19. 19.

    Mike D.

    John — may I call you John? — Mr. Cole, sincerely, I’ve watched people go bugfuck before, and you’re starting to freak me out. It’s like Kubler-Ross, except backwards, and the end result is Tyler Durden. As a fellow knowledge-ologist, I implore you to take a break from the political raw sewage policing detail for, oh, at least as long as Kos stays (nominally) on vacation. I love your act, I love your fans, I love Balloon Juice even though I can’t tell if they guy with the funnel is blowing or sucking, but you’re not a hurdy-gurdy monkey, you’re a human being. I do feel your pain. You can’t un-throw a rod. Please.

    That clinking sound? Oh, that’s just a chunk of change in my pocket because a couple of idiots put their money where their mouths were, regarding how long Mme. MyiqfuxUl0l could stay away. Smells like… victory. But I’d give it all back if you could flush out your headgear and regain your happy thought while there’s still time.

  20. 20.

    Pb

    Hillary is billing herself as a pistol-packing mama who was raised on guns.

    That’s clear from her war stories, too. So she doesn’t know if she’s Rocky or Rambo, but she’s definitely Sylvester Stallone, eh. Sounds like another winning strategy.

  22. 22.

    Garrigus Carraig

    cleek, if it’s any consolation, I saw Spoon live & they are definitely a studio band.

  23. 23.

    Phoenix Woman

    Clinton confidante Theda Skocpol weighs in:

    I have been in meetings with the Clintons and their advisors where very clinical things were said in a very-detached tone about unwillingness of working class voters to trust government — and Bill Clinton — and about their unfortunate (from a Clinton perspective) proclivity to vote on life-style rather than economic issues. To see Hillary going absolutely over the top to smash Obama for making clearly more humanly sympathetic observations in this vein, is just amazing. Even more so to see her pretending to be a gun-toting non-elite. Give us a break!

    I wonder if she realizes that gaining a few days of lurid publicity that might reach a slice of voters is going to cost her a great deal in the regard of many Democrats, whose strong support she will need if she somehow claws her way to the nomination — and even more so if she does not clinch the nomination. The distribution of “we’re not bitter” stickers to her campaign rallies is the height of over-the-top crudity, and the reports are that very few audience members seem to have much enthusiasm for this nonsense. Not surprisingly, people cannot see the reasons for so much fuss.

    Yes, she wants a big break, she desperately wants the nomination she and Bill believe is hers by right. We all know that. But where is her authenticity and her dignity and her sense of any proportion?

    This has to be one of the few times in U.S. political history when a multi-millionaire has accused a much less wealthy fellow public servant, a person of the same party and views who made much less lucrative career choices, of “elitism”! (I won’t say the only time, because U.S. political history is full of absurdities of this sort.) In a way, it is funny — and it may not be long before the jokes start.

  26. 26.

    Martin

    Psychout-

    I never get to ask this of anyone, but I’m genuinely interested:

    I encourage all of our readers, especially those who hate America and everything she stands for to visit John Cole’s Balloon Juice. It’s really out of this world.

    What exactly does America stand for, in your view? I see that statement used frequently and I don’t recall ever seeing anyone articulate what it means to them.

  27. 27.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    the end in sight?

    If they end this thing, they both deserve another Nobel Prize.

    From the article: Together with reports that Clinton’s money troubles have left her unable to pay event organisers and even the health insurance of her staff, the impression is of a campaign in trouble.

    Yeah, that’s a surefire recipe for success for a candidate that has made health insurance mandates the centerpiece of her campaign.

    Welcome aboard the Double Talk Express.

  29. 29.

    Martin

    with reports that Clinton’s money troubles have left her unable to pay event organisers and even the health insurance of her staff, the impression is of a campaign in trouble.

    Yeah, that’s a surefire recipe for success for a candidate that has made health insurance mandates the centerpiece of her campaign.

    I think she should garnish their wages until they’re paid up. That’s the official solution, correct?

  30. 30.

    Llelldorin

    What exactly does America stand for, in your view? I see that statement used frequently and I don’t recall ever seeing anyone articulate what it means to them.

    Different things to different people. To me, it’s the old, superseded motto E pluribus unum. It’s what we are, fundamentally–one people forged from many. It’s the key idea that we’ve collectively and by human choice forged a government from nothing more than the collective consent of the people to be so governed. It’s the idea that despite differing religions, differing financial circumstances, differing regions, and differing ancestries, we’re all fundamentally one people by choice–and that that choice matters more than the rest put together.

    Congress must have been drunk when they adopted “In God We Trust” instead. Then again, I’m drunk now, so this should be taken with a grain or two of salt.

  31. 31.

    JackieBinAZ

    In God We Trust was added during the Civil War when the uncertain times turned people to religion. Sort of like what Obama was saying.

  32. 32.

    Conservatively Liberal

    Smells like… victory.

    Them hot goats smell good! ;)

    Welcome aboard the Double Talk Express.

    Plagarist! Oh, thats right, you are a fellow Obama supporter and I gave you blanket permission to use my words. As long as it is all ‘in the family’. Carry on! :D

    Kutcher is about as humorous as a pet rock, end of story. Also, you owe me one minute and four seconds of my life back John, but thanks for reminding me why I hated The Gong Show. ;)

    You may have dropped a few f-bombs lately John, but those bombs were on target, on time. Keep it up as you see necessary, you are venting for more than yourself here.

    Thanks.

  33. 33.

    Mike D.

    They aren’t just your ulcers, John. In a very real sense, they’re the ulcers of all mankind, erupting for us and for many. If you take a break from loathing the very sight of WordPress, the terrorists… well, they win. They just do. Fucking laugh it up, that the terror alert never sank to blue or green. You have the luxury of not knowing what Dick Cheney knows; you sleep under the very blanket of safety that testicle-crushing and eyeball-gouging provides. Bottom line? You owe your fan base, don’t pretend you don’t.

  34. 34.

    Michael D.

    Hmmmm, have you seen “Just Married?” I thought Ashton Kutcher was pretty funny in that. And I always thought he was funny in “That 70’s Show”

    Maybe I have a wierd sense of humor.

  35. 35.

    Conservatively Liberal

    Hillary is really pushing the guns and whisky theme. Watch, she will probably release her own spaghetti western.

    Hillary Clinton stars in the remake of “The Mercenary“, rated R (Republican).

    Someone get this woman a tank. Please!

  36. 36.

    borehole

    Michael, I’m not sure that’s indicative of a “weird sense of humor” so much as it is a “weird sense of what’s worth squandering an hour and a half of one’s life on.” But yeah, he was fine on That 70s Show. “Dumb, obnoxious horndog” seems well within his skill set.

    Psycheout, y’ever consider just sticking to proprietorship of a fairly entertaining spoof blog? Because being the world’s most irritating dipshit in comment threads kinda dilutes the brand.

    In hindsight, I shouldn’t have been so delighted when you faked your way into a mention on Olbermann. Had no idea the taste of fame would make you so hard to live with.

  37. 37.

    The Other Steve

    Be it resolved, that Ashton Kutcher is not funny.

    As for the Unknown Comic. I think it is incredibly appropriate to bring up the Gong Show, and notably the great Chuck Barris, especially in relationship to Hillary.

    For they both have held secret identities for years. Chuck Barris, and his obvious role as an international hitman working for the CIA, but so too Hillary Clinton’s work as a Special Ops agent for Covert One.

  39. 39.

    jake

    Speaking of funny, it is being reported that Hillary is billing herself as a pistol-packing mama who was raised on guns

    Odd. Most children are raised on mother’s milk, formula, baby food and finally solids. What’s the statute of limitations for serious child neglect?

  40. 40.

    John Redworth

    I would have never put this together without all of your help but I think I figured out something…

    Back in the day, Phyllis Diller and the Unknown Comic had two children which they put up for adoption… one child was named Ashton went to the nice Kutcher family in the midwest. The other child was named Dane went to the Cook family in the NE. The celebrity genes of their parents allowed these two assclowns to become famous but it was also the talent genes that made both of them as worthless as Paris Hilton.

  41. 41.

    Dave Ruddell

    Those three “Death by Chocolate” bits were hilarious. Kutcher really sold them. That is all.

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  1. […] For no reason in particular, brother site and lefty moonbat blog John Cole’s Balloon Juice has been awarded the Gold Medal Award for Excellence.  Why is this significant?  Well, Balloon Juice used to be a conservative blog and has since taken an insane turn to the left.  But regardless of whether you agree or disagree with his anti-American rants, John Cole continues to be the same angry blogger he’s always been.  And Balloon Juice continues to be a very entertaining site.  There’s no denying that. […]