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You are here: Home / z-Retired Categories / Site Maintenance / A Message to Corporations

A Message to Corporations

by John Cole|  July 21, 20085:10 pm| 42 Comments

This post is in: Site Maintenance, Assholes

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When I am on hold for 20 minutes, being told over and over how important my call is, the last damned thing I want to do when you finally answer the phone and find an overtly hostile John Cole is recite all my account information, address, phone #, social security #, etc. My local bank has figured out to identify who I am just by analyzing what phone number I called from- check into it.

I am then also likely to use colorful language if you make offers to me before addressing the issue about which I called to talk to you.

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42Comments

  1. 1.

    John S.

    July 21, 2008 at 5:14 pm

    Did you at least get to speak to a native English speaker, or someone for whom English is their third language?

    Personally, I love getting an Indian with an insanely strong accent that identifies themselves as “Jake” or “Mary”.

  2. 2.

    garyb50

    July 21, 2008 at 5:17 pm

    I take your point & it is pretty disconcerting but what bugs the hell out of me is when I call & give all my info & they pass me onto the next one who needs all my info all over again.

  3. 3.

    BombIranForChrist

    July 21, 2008 at 5:24 pm

    This is a sure way to get me to go postal:

    Robo-voice: Select this number to get X
    Robo-voice: Ok, now select this number to get Y
    Robo-voice: Ok, now select this number to get Z
    Robo-voice: Ok, please enter your 30 digit account number.
    Robo-voice: Sorry, I did not recognize that number. Please enter your 30 digit account number.
    Robo-voice: Thank you. Are the first 3 digits of your zip code 321?
    Robo-voice: Thank you. I am now connecting you with a customer support representative.
    Customer Support Representative: Welcome to Whizzit Cable Company. May I have your 30 digit account number?

    Kill

  4. 4.

    CapMidnight

    July 21, 2008 at 5:27 pm

    My service provider makes me vote for telephone-call-center immunity before they’ll let me off “hold.”

  5. 5.

    Glen

    July 21, 2008 at 5:30 pm

    Been there, done that. Just remember that when you finally get through to “Jake,” he’s only doing his thankless job. Spare him his eardrum.

  6. 6.

    Natascha

    July 21, 2008 at 5:33 pm

    But don’t you appreciate the polite conversation they try to make with you, like pretending to give a shit about your day? Ungrateful bastard you are.

  7. 7.

    frogspawn

    July 21, 2008 at 5:44 pm

    Glen Says:

    Been there, done that. Just remember that when you finally get through to “Jake,” he’s only doing his thankless job. Spare him his eardrum.

    True. No point in pounding some blameless kid who doesn’t make the fatheaded corporate decisions.

    I was setting up a small office VOIP phone network, and found the phone support was great; my calls were quickly answered by perky, helpful young people who told me what I needed to know.

    Which was good, because I needed to call repeatedly due to the uselessly incomplete documentation that came with the phones, as well as the incomprehensible customer login area on their website (“OK, so what does this mean?”)

    Granted, the old setup was kind of complicated, with a 20-year-old primary number that everybody knew forwarding to other numbers in some bizarre way, but still.

  8. 8.

    Martin

    July 21, 2008 at 6:04 pm

    Our local big bank branch has a phone number similar to ours, except that their employees who have spanish as a first language (rare here in SoCal, I know) use a different way of announcing numbers and it confuses people, so we get a steady stream of people calling their bank. Of course, they never listen so when we say ‘hello’ they start rattling off what they want of the bank, not realizing that banks don’t answer the phone with ‘hello’.

    We’re considering collecting names, account numbers, SS#s, and mothers maiden names before telling them that they didn’t actually reach their bank, but thanks for the info anyway.

  9. 9.

    Tim Fuller

    July 21, 2008 at 6:10 pm

    They always say they are recording the call for ‘quality control’ purposes so I make sure I get my two cents in just in case they actually have a real feedback loop that doesn’t involve figuring out how to handle their customers in an even more ‘efficient’ (re:cheapass bastard) way.

    What bombiranforchrist said.

    Enjoy.

  10. 10.

    piltdown

    July 21, 2008 at 6:11 pm

    Sounds like Comcast to me.

    Nothing like listening to “your call is important to us” every 60 seconds for 50 minutes.

  11. 11.

    Mr Furious

    July 21, 2008 at 6:12 pm

    recite all my account information, address, phone #, social security #, etc.

    Often I have already input this info via the keypad—that shit makes me fucking furious!

    I don’t mind a little verification beyond the phone I’m calling from, but I don’t want to supply that every fucking step of the way…

    NOTE: Many of the local delivery places in Ann Arbor (pizza, mexican food, etc ) maintained a database that told them where to deliver based on my call, and they even knew my name. Sweet.

  12. 12.

    phobos

    July 21, 2008 at 6:19 pm

    gethuman.com

    Years ago I had a friend who acquired a surplus key system and installed it in his basement. He used to put telemarketers on music hold.

  13. 13.

    Calouste

    July 21, 2008 at 6:20 pm

    Our local big bank branch has a phone number similar to ours, except that their employees who have spanish as a first language (rare here in SoCal, I know) use a different way of announcing numbers and it confuses people, so we get a steady stream of people calling their bank. Of course, they never listen so when we say ‘hello’ they start rattling off what they want of the bank, not realizing that banks don’t answer the phone with ‘hello’.

    We’re considering collecting names, account numbers, SS#s, and mothers maiden names before telling them that they didn’t actually reach their bank, but thanks for the info anyway.

    I had a phone number that was apparently close to that of a surgeon working at a major eye hospital a few streets away. Besides a few people trying to make appointments, I also had another doctor leaving a complete medical dossier at my voice mail.

  14. 14.

    Dreggas

    July 21, 2008 at 6:20 pm

    Let Foamy Be your guide

    More here:
    Just click on Toons

    I am sure you will enjoy this internet tradition.

  15. 15.

    Dreggas

    July 21, 2008 at 6:24 pm

    If there is an issue with the first one try the others.
    this one works

  16. 16.

    MarkusB

    July 21, 2008 at 6:25 pm

    frogspawn Says:

    Glen Says:

    Been there, done that. Just remember that when you finally get through to “Jake,” he’s only doing his thankless job. Spare him his eardrum.

    True. No point in pounding some blameless kid who doesn’t make the fatheaded corporate decisions.

    I agree. I’d had a certain problem with my InterWeb connection. I’d call, and eventually they’d fix it. Then after the latest mega-merger it cropped up again. The connection would die, over and over every day. Calling the new “them”, I found they had a new script to read, that basically involved it somehow being my fault. After I moved everything around (which I did not do), if it still didn’t work, they’d roll a truck. This happened a couple of times.

    Finally, one night I was +4 or so and I’d had enough. I got someone with an Indian accent whose name was “Steve”.

    “Listen, Steve,” I began, “I know none of this is not your fault so please don’t take it personally. This is not aimed at you.” Then I lit in, giving him no chance to go to his script: the problem wasn’t my fault, nothing had been moved around in years, I knew what it was, and they were going to fix it, and not (uselessly) roll a truck, or in two days I would be switching everything over to the other guy. (I have two real options; telco and cable.) I brought the heat, but I remembered to add again that it wasn’t personal, and then I hung up the phone.

    The very next day the problem was gone. It hasn’t been back since; it’s been about eight months.

  17. 17.

    Dreggas

    July 21, 2008 at 6:30 pm

    Oh, for my own horror story, I spent from 8:00pm to 12 midnight saturday on the phone with tech support for my digital phone, after which I had memorized my phone number (finally…i never call myself) and had come up with new and creative words for the various letters like E as in Ephemoral etc. Of course nothing was handled but I spent the NEXT day on the phone as well for several hours getting shifted around again and again only to finally be told no one could help me.

  18. 18.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    July 21, 2008 at 6:36 pm

    When I worked in a call centre, I noticed that when a company has to tell you how much they care about you, they don’t.

    I worked for [major computer manufacturer] computer technical support in the early 90s. We got a new manager that decided we should answer the phone, “Thank you for calling Gateway Customer Care….” The abandon rate shot up overnight because people would hang up thinking they’d called the wrong department: they just wanted their computer fixed. After many meetings and research it was determined if we fixed their computer quickly the first time they called, people would be happy with this as a substitute to being cared about. Hehe.

  19. 19.

    CFisher

    July 21, 2008 at 6:40 pm

    I got someone with an Indian accent whose name was “Steve”.

    On the plus side, the way the economy is heading, they might start outsourcing their call service to us and soon know the pain of a guy with a thick southern drawl answering the phone as ‘Habib’. ;)

  20. 20.

    Martin

    July 21, 2008 at 6:45 pm

    I worked for [major computer manufacturer] computer technical support in the early 90s. We got a new manager that decided we should answer the phone, “Thank you for calling Gateway…

    Oooh! Which computer manufacturer was it? Dell? HP? Uh, Apple?

    FAIL!

  21. 21.

    Chris

    July 21, 2008 at 6:53 pm

    I worked at a biotech firm doing tech support — usually we were troubleshooting biology lab experiments. Anyway, the customers–university researchers and grad students and whatnot–were generally pretty nice, if harried.

    But even among that lofty crop there were some surprising idiots. One woman was unable to do simple division, and would plead with us until we did her math for her.

    One guy wanted us to develop “a buffer that can slow down P-32 from decaying so quickly.” We can’t change the fundamental laws of physics, sir.

    Oh, and the story about computer tech support callers trying to use the CD-Rom tray as a cup holder? Friend of mine in the biz in the 90s says it’s absolutely true. And fairly common.

  22. 22.

    Dreggas

    July 21, 2008 at 6:55 pm

    Martin Says:

    I worked for [major computer manufacturer] computer technical support in the early 90s. We got a new manager that decided we should answer the phone, “Thank you for calling Gateway…

    Oooh! Which computer manufacturer was it? Dell? HP? Uh, Apple?

    FAIL!

    I saw that too and I LOLed.

  23. 23.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    July 21, 2008 at 6:55 pm

    and had come up with new and creative words for the various letters like E as in Ephemoral etc.

    If ya really wanna have fun, use these:

    A as in Are
    E as in Eye
    I as in Inn
    S as in Sea
    W as in Why
    Y as in You

  24. 24.

    Dreggas

    July 21, 2008 at 7:00 pm

    Oh, and the story about computer tech support callers trying to use the CD-Rom tray as a cup holder? Friend of mine in the biz in the 90s says it’s absolutely true. And fairly common.

    I have one better. I was the IT department for a small commodities brokerage. I did their website, maintained hardware etc. etc.

    Well one day one guy comes in and says he is trying to install AOL 5.0 on his computer so he can get the internet (boss made each person pay for their own connection). Anyway I am thinking to myself “wait a minute, all of these guys save a few of the big whigs are running their machines on DOS/Windows 3.0” since that was all that was needed to run the commodities software and connection given that it was all built into the card we’d install.

    Sure enough the dumbass had put an AOL 5.0 cd into a 5.25 floppy drive, closed the latch and basically hosed the CD. I had to immediately go on lunch so I could ROFLMMFAO.

  25. 25.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    July 21, 2008 at 7:05 pm

    I saw that too and I LOLed.

    It’s been a rough three day weekend. Thanks for the empathy bitches.

  26. 26.

    db

    July 21, 2008 at 7:15 pm

    Amen, John.

    This has happened to me N times. I’ve also been punched in the face or kicked in the nads N times.

    For the latter, I can, after some reflection on my own behavior and the behavior of others, come up with an explanation as to why I have a black eye or pain in the groin (i.e., somebody said something, I said something, somebody was stupid, I was stupid, etc.).

    For the former, I cannot possibly come up with a reason as to why this would be done to customers despite my best efforts to get my feeble brain to work. If corporations’ ultimate motive is it maximize profits, then why do they treat customers like this? When I am treated like crap, I switch to a competitor (even if it is higher priced) and/or never use that company’s services again. Perhaps, this happens because so few customers actually care about this because this has become the norm for everybody and corporations have little incentive to improve?

    Signed,

    Another cranky customer.

    P.S. – Can you provide name of said corporation so we can join you in Malkin-like boycott?

  27. 27.

    sstarr

    July 21, 2008 at 7:27 pm

    Remember, John, the Government should be run like a business. Businesses never make mistakes. They never accidently lose a customer’s files, over-bill the customer, declare the customer delinquent on payment because the customer never knew they had been over-billed and then send the customers name to a credit agency. Never happens.

    Similarly, CEO’s are smart and wise, we should trust them. They are not the least bit dishonest. They are better than “the politicians.”

    Finally, remember that you chose to patronize a business, while Government is forced upon you. Why, you can chose to not use a bank, to not use a credit card, or to only run public domain software! And even if you chose to have a credit card, you can choose from many different credit card companies that are very different from each other and who clearly state their policies in easy to understand language.

  28. 28.

    jimBOB

    July 21, 2008 at 7:42 pm

    I also had another doctor leaving a complete medical dossier at my voice mail.

    I used to get faxes from doctor’s offices with what I’m sure was confidential patient information on them. I couldn’t avoid getting them because if I hung up on the fax machine it would automatically call me back. OTOH it would let the phone ring a few million times if I didn’t pick up. So the only way to make it shut up was to just let the fax go through.

  29. 29.

    J. Michael Neal

    July 21, 2008 at 8:09 pm

    We’re considering collecting names, account numbers, SS#s, and mothers maiden names before telling them that they didn’t actually reach their bank, but thanks for the info anyway.

    No, no, no. You need to perfect your Nigerian accent, and then thank them for the info, and let them know that you will be depositing $2,000,000 in their account tomorrow, and are only going to withdraw $400,000.

  30. 30.

    Krista

    July 21, 2008 at 8:20 pm

    Oh, and the story about computer tech support callers trying to use the CD-Rom tray as a cup holder? Friend of mine in the biz in the 90s says it’s absolutely true. And fairly common.

    I worked for a banking call centre. It was inbound calls, not outbound, so at least we weren’t bothering people. But we’d get the goddamndest calls on the late-night weekend shifts. The best was the drunken guy who wanted a tech to come out to the ATM, because he had somehow managed to get his pecker caught in the envelope dispenser.

  31. 31.

    Dreggas

    July 21, 2008 at 8:40 pm

    Krista Says:

    Oh, and the story about computer tech support callers trying to use the CD-Rom tray as a cup holder? Friend of mine in the biz in the 90s says it’s absolutely true. And fairly common.

    I worked for a banking call centre. It was inbound calls, not outbound, so at least we weren’t bothering people. But we’d get the goddamndest calls on the late-night weekend shifts. The best was the drunken guy who wanted a tech to come out to the ATM, because he had somehow managed to get his pecker caught in the envelope dispenser.

    ok that takes the cake.

  32. 32.

    Jane_in_Colorado

    July 21, 2008 at 9:55 pm

    I once had a home phone number that was one digit away from the local Spanish-language Alcoholics Anonymous. Every New Years that I had that phone number I’d get a call at around two in the morning from a weeping drunk person who spoke only Spanish. THAT was pretty low on the fun meter.

  33. 33.

    Original Lee

    July 21, 2008 at 10:02 pm

    Longest time ever on hold: 6 hours, with the local power company. I just plugged in my earpiece and worked away while listening to Muzak. I would have hung up sooner, but I really really needed to talk to them about sending out someone to hook up my new meter. The old one had been damaged when my neighbor’s plumbing contractor didn’t pay attention and had backed right into my house, and the power company contractor who had installed the new meter had not hooked it up. In August. Anyway, I called the power company up and worked my way through the menu and was on hold … for hours, and it wasn’t until a coworker e-mailed me that power company phone system had crashed that morning that I realized that my phone call had entered phone queue limbo. I hung up and called again, and got right through. GRRRRRR.

    Some of my best customer service conversations have been with the techs in India, though. Usually they’re typing away to bring up whatever info they need to answer my question, and we talk a little bit about where they are, and where they went to school, and stuff like that. I actually had one tech who had been to school with a guy my sister used to date, so we laughed a bit about what a small world it was.

  34. 34.

    Notorious P.A.T.

    July 21, 2008 at 10:30 pm

    Please enter your 30 digit account number.

    I recently had to call my company’s payroll department. The robo-answerer wanted me to *say* my employee ID number. I guess they were worried that I might be calling on a rotary phone. Shockingly, it couldn’t comprehend every digit I vocalized.

    If corporations’ ultimate motive is it maximize profits, then why do they treat customers like this?

    That is how corporations “think”. Improving the bottom line by providing better service is sooooo long-term! That won’t show up for months, or maybe even years! It’s much easier to inflate the profit margin by cutting back on services.

    You can threaten to do business with a competitor, but corporations tend to follow each other, lemming-like, so as not to be left too far behind. “MGM is making a movie about a cop with a sandwich as a parnter? We at Universal better make a similar movie, just in case it’s a big hit!” Etc.

  35. 35.

    TenguPhule

    July 22, 2008 at 2:24 am

    If corporations’ ultimate motive is it maximize profits, then why do they treat customers like this?

    The goal of every corporation is minimum input for maximum return.

  36. 36.

    Glocksman

    July 22, 2008 at 6:39 am

    I get a lot of calls on my cell from people in my area trying to reach the ACT people in Iowa because my cell number is ‘319-xxxx’, and if you dial the ACT numbers without dialing a ‘1’ first, you’ll get my cell number if you’re in my area code.

    I’ve always politely told them that they need to hang up and dial a ‘1’ first because it’s a long distance call, but God knows I’ve been tempted to say ‘Sure, I’ll help you but I need your payment information to verify your identity.’ :)

    The problem results from the ACT people not making it clear that people outside of the 319 area code need to dial a ‘1’ when calling them, and when I contacted them about the issue, I got a ‘thanks, but it’s not our problem’ response.

  37. 37.

    Calming Influence

    July 22, 2008 at 1:59 pm

    Truly a bunch of whiners. In America’s glorious free market economy, you commies might want to remember the rules:

    Rule #1: The corporation is always right.
    Rule #2: If the corporation is wrong, see rule #1.

  38. 38.

    Tommy

    July 22, 2008 at 2:33 pm

    Tim Fuller Says:

    “They always say they are recording the call for ‘quality control’ purposes so I make sure I get my two cents in just in case they actually have a real feedback loop that doesn’t involve figuring out how to handle their customers in an even more ‘efficient’ (re:cheapass bastard) way.”

    The *only* reason they record calls is to make sure the hapless person taking your call asks for *everything* they told him/her to ask for, with the aim of killing their raise or bonus if they don’t read the script to the letter.

    Just so you know.

  39. 39.

    Marshall

    July 22, 2008 at 5:40 pm

    I have gotten to the point where I generally only give account numbers, etc., to humans.

    I find that entering “0” and saying operator will eventually get me a human on almost any system. Entering your 30 digit account number has almost no effect on how long it will take to get a human, so I just don’t do it.

  40. 40.

    Marshall

    July 22, 2008 at 5:57 pm

    James Thurber wrote a funny story about people who were bothered by wrong numbers from people calling for train reservations and how they struck back through misinformation, along the lines of

    “Trains to Chicago – yes, I can help you, but there have been a few changes to our service. First, you have to get to the train station at 3:00 AM …“

  41. 41.

    grumpy realist

    July 22, 2008 at 10:13 pm

    Not over the phone, but in the way of “tech support”, I remember once dealing with a singularly helpless student in the Physics I lab complaining about how “the equipment wasn’t working!” (Lab involved standard building of simple circuits, testing voltage drops, currents, yadda yadda.) Finally I asked in frustration:”are you sure you have it turned ON?!”

    Bingo.

  42. 42.

    Matt

    July 23, 2008 at 3:01 pm

    I dunno if anybody pointed this out yet, but in most cases the reason they ask for so much info is to intercept identity theft and prevent unauthorized users (exes, stalkers, whatever) from screwing with your account. And also to make sure they have your current address if they need to send you to collections.

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