If all it takes to turn someone lesbian is a snappy hit record on the charts (with a bullet?), why don’t the fundies harness the power of music and make everyone straight?
Is it because Christian rock sucks?
Question
by John Cole| 66 Comments
This post is in: General Stupidity
Joshua Norton
Hmmm. Didn’t turn me into a lesbian.
/i keed.
Dreggas
As someone who was subjected to “christian rock” I am convinced it is more prone to make someone gay what with all the male singers confessing their love of “him”.
Davis X. Machina
Is it because Christian rock sucks?
It’s because the audience for Gregorian chant is so small.
Dreggas
Oh and John, any reference to Christian Rock needs this embedded.
Dreggas
Actually, set to some good beats and trance Gregorian Chant is danceable.
Brachiator
Insert closeted gay Republican politician punchline here…
Ripley
Christian rock doesn’t.
Rock, that is.
Llelldorin
If it were just that Christian rock sucks, they could simply do a cover of “I Kissed a Girl” with a male singer, I suppose, as some sort of “ex-gay” anthem hit…
harlana pepper
Hmm, what’s the hubub? It’s not a new song. I think it’s been out for a few years already.
harlana pepper
I liked the “Bush Kiss” by the way. Excellent photoshopping. And so believable.
HumboldtBlue
I was turned into a lesbian by playing with toy soldiers, baseballs, football, bikes, dirt and toughskins.
Simon and Garfunkel prolly played a role, as did the Carpenters, the Irish Rovers, Herb Alpert, Parliament Funkadelic, Elton John and umm, anything from Pat Boone.
But that’s just me.
rawshark
You forgot Poland.
Incertus
Not the same song. You’re probably thinking about the Jill Sobule song that came out about 13 years ago, right about the time my ex-wife decided to stop lying to herself about being a lesbian. It was probably the most amicable divorce in history.
Alaskan Pete
While looking for a genre chart of heavy metal, I somehow came across a chart/list of Christian metal bands, divided by genre…”Death Metal, Black Metal, etc” I kid you not.
http://www.metalforjesus.org/ref.html
Metal for Jesus!
And there were tons of them. Took a while to sink in what I was looking at, checking out the “thrash” sub-genre and going “hmm, no Metallica, Slayer, Motorhead, wtf? I’ve never heard of these bands”
mark
Christian rock :: rock = creation science :: science
Third Eye Open
Incertus…
Did you offer her more than half for some photographic evidence, or does it lose all its charm once you have to explain that you were the last guy she had before she went a shag-divin’?
Ted
They tried, but so far Toby Keith has met with limited success in that goal.
Dylan
I gotta say, I would listen to our local christian rock station over any of the local commercial radio stations any day. And frequently do. On the whole it is decent music (including mainstream) without any gratuitous lyrics. Of course, when Focus on the Family starts, I have to switch off again. Damn that franchise to hell, frankly.
We only have one significant Christian station in our region, so there isn’t a great deal of fundamentalism expressed, and we tend to get the best of the music that is around.
Dreggas
Yeah, Striper was just the beginning.
mark
Let’s not forget the heavy metal Capuchin …
Ned
Yes.
Dreggas
I should add that at the bar I went to friday, complete with live band and dance floor etc, they played this song while i got to kick back and watch plenty of attractive women dance, grind, and yes kiss to it.
Mornington Crescent
“I wrote a song about dental floss but did anyone’s teeth get cleaner?”
— Frank Zappa
Rosali
Apparently, unrequited sorority sister love could lead you to become an anthrax terrorist.
Jay in Oregon
Yes. SATSQ part 8,527,913
I didn’t think anything could get more bland than top 40 music.
shirt
You should apologize to all those who merely suck.
Zifnab
I am a lesbian, trapped in a man’s body, and it torments me to this very day.
ed
Yeah, Striper was just the beginning.
First of all, it’s Stryper, heathen. And yes, they totally rock. Obviously.
ed
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MqdRAkvV5Hk&feature=related
Shinobi
Finally something Fundies and Lesbians can agree on! Turns out the lesbians don’t like this song much either.
Incertus
ed,
There is just no reason for that.
jake
That you must ask shows you are not familiar with a band called Creed.
Please note that a band populated by Christians beats the shit out of any five Christian Rock bands.
The Moar You Know
You think Christian rock sucks? Folks, go grab yourself some Christian rap – that shit sucks harder than Mark Foley at a Boy Scout jamboree.
Keep away from pens, knitting needles, etc, as spontaneous deafness may occur.
jake
The Rev. Phred Felch has comprised a list of gay bands.
It is a very long list. A really long list. A list that includes such obvious ‘mos as Ted Nugent, Frank Sinatra and Metallica.
But the very best part about the list is the following entry:
Morrissey (?questionable?)
This means something.
Third Eye Open
Jake,
I have been saying for years that Phelps and the fam were just fundie-spoofs taken to its logical ends.
We should all bow in deference to the ultimate spoof out there, for one day he will be gone, and the US will have lost a comic genius.
Adolphus
Does anyone but me find it ironic that in discussing the possibility of music to make us gay, there is a lot people using the word “sucks” as a pejorative.
Not that only gay men suck, or blow for that matter. Heterosexuals, bisexuals, metrosexuals, rural-sexuals, all kinds of sexuals, do both.
Those terms became synonymous with “truly awful” to reference the fact that sucking and blowing were passive, submissive sex acts most associated with gay men.
But, as I recall, and it has sadly been awhile, blowing and sucking were kinda fun.
When you aren’t getting it regularly you have lots of energy to ponder irony.
Elvis Elvisberg
Hey, yesterday was the third anniversary of Creed-guy punking post day!
Dreggas
Whatever sister christian, they rocked about as hard a winger and winger sucked.
Dreggas
Speaking of ol Fred Phelps, isn’t it ironic that his church burned down?
Sirkowski
Wasn’t there a song called “I kissed a girl” or something similar in the 90s?
Gracchus
That bullet that the song is on the chart with — it must be vibrating, no?
jake
Actually the church didn’t burn down.
I bet an investigation finds that bastard set the fire for the insurance and the attention. Why should the Unitarians get all of the press?
Uh-huh. Daddy may have piled the oil soaked rags by the fence and dumped coals from the grill on top but it was the kweers what set the fire!
John S.
Ah yes, good ol’ Enigma.
Delia
Well, no discussion of Christian heavy metal, teh gay, and what sucks and what doesn’t is complete without a critical viewing of The Bishop and the Warlord.
Delia
Hey, why is my last comment awaiting moderation? I’ve been here for months. I embedded my link, and there’s nothing offensive. At least if you like Fry & Laurie.
Ed Marshall
I am a lesbian, trapped in a man’s body, and it torments me to this very day.
I had a friend whose husband really did come out that way. Had SRS surgery and as far as I know they are still a couple. Never used that joke, again…
Kevin
from that:
HA!
jake
Oh Noes! Teh Ghey Marriage!
Actually, was this in Ohio?
Gemina13
::smacks forehead::
Oh, that makes perfect sense. Yes, it was a song that made me bisexual. What the hell was it? Oh, wait . . . yeah, it was the undeniable beat and rhythm of, “Oh, my God, I don’t care if you are a woman, you’re the hottest fucking thing I’ve ever seen and I MUST HAVE.”
But other than that, I got nothin’.
And Christian rock sucks worse than a crackwhore with a chest wound. It’s lousy nursery rhymes set to crappy riffs even Journey wouldn’t put on disc. Personally, I like Gregorian chant, plainsong, and other kinds of sacred music, but if someone puts on any kind of “Christian” pop or rock (bwah hah!), I’m looking for an icepick to shove through both ears. Stryper included.
Steve S.
Frankly, John, I’m sick of you DFHs making excuses for the filthy abomination known as lesbianism. God, it just makes me ill thinking of two young girls, aged 18-22, showering together, soaping up each other’s gravity-defying breasts, sinking their fingernails into each other’s taut little buttocks, flicking their tongues across nipples and labia, rubbing wet naked skin against wet naked skin. God, what sickening, antichristian filth. The Lord sheds a little tear every time these nubile young nymphs enjoy each other’s supple young bodies, moans of ecstasy increasing from moment to moment until they cry out in delicious climax.
May God damn you to Hell.
jake
May God provide Steve S. with a fresh supply of lotion and socks.
jbarntt
Is it because Christian rock sucks?
I have no idea, care to make an argument for your proposition
Liz
I’ll be in my bunk. :)
The reason I stayed in the closet about being bisexual was, frankly, the bi and bi-wannabe girls I knew immediately thought that meant you wanted to ‘play’ with them. Little did they know I still had standards, so I was ‘straight.’ The song is cute and catchy, but thinking about it more, it does sound a lot like some of those little bimbos who kept me closeted. Also reminds me of a few friends of mine who ‘turn bi’ when they’re drunk. (Get over it and fess up already.)
Eural Joiner
OK, I’ll jump in with this one: quite a bit of “Christian rock” does indeed suck just as quite a bit of “secular rock.” There are exceptions and, in general, the genre does seem to be maturing as it assimilates the newer styles of a younger generation. I mean there is a world of difference between Debbie and Pat Boone versus Casting Crowns (just listen to “If We Are the Body” if you’re not familiar with the band).
Oh, yeah and there’s also those one-hit wonders from Ireland, U2.
jbarntt
OK, I’ll jump in with this one: quite a bit of “Christian rock” does indeed suck just as quite a bit of “secular rock.”
You got that right about secular rock, and assume you are correct re: Christian rock, but know little about the latter.
Generally, most the majority of pop culture sucks, whether that be music or literature, or whatever.
Kevin
The problem with “Christian Rock” is that the word “Christian” comes before “Rock”, or “talent”, and I’m not talking about grammatical word order.
Brachiator
If you think that sucking and blowing are passive, you’re not doing it right.
Fundie over-reaction to this song is matched by a reaction noted in one of the Sadly No comments in the link you provided:
Whatever happened to the days of “It’s got a nice beat. You can dance to it.”
pharniel
katy perry’s other songs on the album inlcude ‘ur so gay’ and a few other….interesting title choices.
as for christian rock, i still like jars of clay, but most of the other stuff, having driven through ohio and listened to it, is *PRECISLY* as described by Trey and Matt via Cartman: take any bland and/or fumblingly sexual love song, cross out all references to ‘baby’, ‘honey’, ‘woman’ etc. and replace it with ‘jesus’ and you have the vast majority of ‘christian rock’
it was enough for a co-worker who had to drive to columbus for his wife’s faimly on a regular basis to get xm satalite radio.
also I feel the need to plug Groove Coverage’s “God is a Girl” and “21st century digital girl” for more subtle homoerotisim.
as for the song it’s self: yha, strikes me precisly as the girls in hs that were ‘bi’, ‘bi’ until you got them alone with an actual Bi girl or added a guy to the equation, then they freaked right out. clit teases.
also, has anyone else noticed that ‘i kissed a girl’ baseline bears a remarkable similarity to the ‘tainted love/baby baby where did our love go’ transition? I think that’s why it’s catchy.
Krista
It is a catchy song. I wouldn’t kiss Katy Perry, though. Too much makeup.
As far as Christian rock goes, most of it is pretty schmaltzy. I think Creed would be a vomit-inducing, festering pile of dogshit regardless of their faith or lack thereof. No-talent assclowns come in many varieties.
Pb
Yes, but it can be hilarious, too. Look up, say, Lust Control sometime…
Sarcastro
Yet, oddly, Christian Ska is pretty good.
Perhaps roots music is just a bit more suited to expressing religious ideas? Don’t know.
Thomas
Short answer: Yes.
Long Answer: Y E S .
LanceThruster
I can’t think of any better name for a gathering of Xian rock bands than “Suckfest.”
lou
Eural,
The difference between, say, a U2, and “Christian” rock is that with U2 the music comes first. With Christian rock, it’s the christian that comes first, with mediocre results.
James F. Elliott
Katy Perry, who sings the song in question, used to be a Christian pop singer.
YellowJournalism
That Creed punk’d post is one of my all-time favorite stories. If someone published it in a wonderfully illustrated book form, I think it would be one of my personal bedtime stories. My favorite part is when the guy compares the Denny’s customers spreading the news to the rats from Muppets Take Manhatten.
Anyone ever see the movie “Saved!” with Mandy Moore and Macaulay Culkin? That movie nails exactly what it’s like to hang around with die-hard Christian youth, including the earnest hand-waving during every damn Christian song and the constant competition of “who loves Jesus more”.
“I am FILLED with Christ’s love! You are just jealous of my success in the Lord.”
Someone mentioned Christian rap. I went to bible camp with a girl who worshipped DC Talk and other Christian rap artists. To this day, I have two memories of her. One is her in tears after our camp counselor told her that her Jewish boyfriend would burn in Hell and probably take her down with him if she didn’t rethink the relationship. The other is of her in baggy, shiny green basketball shorts and a t-shirt that referred to Jesus as the ultimate gangsta.