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You are here: Home / Elections / Election 2008 / Shorter Red State

Shorter Red State

by | 41 Comments

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Dear Pastor Warren,

We know you promised to rise above partisanship and avoid “gotcha” questions when you host Obama and McCain at Saddleback Valley Community Church, but you have no idea how god damned desperate we are this year. Can you please act like a partisan hack AND REPEATEDLY STATE THAT OBAMA WANTS TO KILL UNBORN BABIES AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY?

If you don’t, the baby Jesus may weep. If Obama doesn’t travel through time and abort him, too.

KTHXBAI,

Red State

Reader Interactions

41Comments

  2. 2.

    Incertus

    Never mind that McCain openly opposes policies that would actually reduce abortion–age appropriate sex education, access to birth control and the morning-after pill, etc.–no, he’s all about telling women when and how they’re allowed to fuck, so he’s the good guy.

  3. 3.

    Steve

    Saddleback Valley Community College

    I’m pretty sure that should be Saddleback Church, which is the small city megachurch that Warren built out in eastern Orange County.

    Hell, the church probably has more seating capacity than any single building at Saddleback College.

  4. 4.

    Dennis - SGMM

    After ignoring all of Red State’s other attempts to contact him, I’m sure that Pastor Warren will cave when he reads that tear-stained blog entry. Or not.

  5. 5.

    Steve

    And it looks like Saddleback is going to come out of this pretty well off, even if the Red Staters are pissed at ’em. From a church email:

    YOU MAY APPLY FOR 5 TYPES OF TICKET DRAWINGS:

    You can place your name in as many drawings as you like.

    DRAWING A: For FREE seats in Video Venues (Refinery, Tent 2, and Tent 3)

    DRAWING B: Charter members who joined between 1980-84, Small Group Hosts, and Volunteers who serve in children’s or student ministries may apply for the drawing of FREE seats in the worship center.

    DRAWING C: To buy a $500 Bleacher seat in the Worship Center.

    DRAWING D: To buy a $1,000 Angled Floor seat in the Worship Center.

    DRAWING E: To buy a $2,000 Front Center seat in the Worship Center.

    I knew people who went to that church were rich, but holy Jesus is that a lot of money. They must be trying to price out the DFHs.

  6. 6.

    Ninerdave

    I’m not sure exactly how I got on Red State’s mailing list, and at times have thought to unsubscribe. However their mailings are so hysterical, I just can’t bring myself to do it.

  7. 7.

    Incertus

    Ninerdave,
    If you’re anything like me, and I know I am, then a visitor to your blog probably decided to sign you up so as to “educate” you. That’s why I got WorldNut Daily emails for the longest time.

  8. 8.

    Zifnab

    See, honestly, I got my fair share out of it at the beginning.

    The decision to address you on this question in an open letter comes with some trepidation, but I have attempted to reach you through your media agency, the church email, and your personal email with no effect. I hope this message in a public forum will come to your attention instead of sitting unread in a pile of fan mail and requests for favors.

    Re: WE ARE RELEVANT, DAMNIT! LISTEN TO US!

    Although the little tag at the end subtly suggesting that abortion is the exact same thing as segregation except a million times worse was cute.

    Two stories later they also have a funny little ditty about how Obama favors Infanticide.

  11. 11.

    oh really

    Personally, I’m hoping for the traveling back in time option. That doesn’t seem any less plausible than the idea of this country electing McCain after eight years of Bush.

  12. 12.

    rawshark

    Two things.
    First this worked with George Snuffaluffagus.
    Second if it doesn’t work they can use it in a different email campaign. Kind of like how McCain gave Obama crap for not going to Iraq then gave him crap for going to Iraq. Either way it’s a win with the type that reads Red State.

  13. 13.

    SpotWeld

    oh really said: That doesn’t seem any less plausible than the idea of this country electing McCain after eight years of Bush

    I wish I could be that optimistic, but I was of the same attitude about this country electing four more years of Bush after the first four years.

  15. 15.

    Incertus

    SpotWeld,
    There are days when I feel that way, but then I look back at the polling in 2004 and realize that Kerry never had a consistent lead over Bush the way Obama has had over McCain, and that’s with polling data that is based on a lot of guesswork about turnout this November, because we’ve never had an African-American candidate at the top of the ticket before.

  16. 16.

    Z

    After ignoring all of Red State’s other attempts to contact him, I’m sure that Pastor Warren will cave when he reads that tear-stained blog entry. Or not.

    Are you sure those are tear stains?

  17. 17.

    Cain

    Anybody read the news that Arkansas Democratic Chairman was shot

    The interesting bit was this:

    Police may have picked up the shooter’s trail because he threatened someone with a gun nearby. Reports were that a man with a gun confronted a building manager in the Arkansas Baptist State Convention office building a few blocks east of Democratic headquarters and said he’d lost his job. He pointed the gun, but didn’t shoot. He fled in a vehicle whose description was reported to police.

    This looks suspiciously like another creep who is blaming “liberals” for their woes and decided to take matters into their own hands. If true, that makes two incidents where people are listening to crap on talk radio and then shooting someone. Hope the guy pulls through. The other guy can rot in jail.

    cain

  18. 18.

    RSA

    As Incertus observes, the request is limited to a specific gotcha question on abortion: Please stay far, far away from questions about McCain’s views on contraception. He’ll either not remember what he thinks (bad) or will honestly tell you what he thinks (worse).

  20. 20.

    Martin

    I’m pretty sure that should be Saddleback Church, which is the small city megachurch that Warren built out in eastern Orange County.

    Hell, the church probably has more seating capacity than any single building at Saddleback College.

    That sounds about right. And it is just ‘Saddleback Church’. I may try and go to the debate. I have a few coworkers that attend the church that can probably sneak me in. Coming up with a good Christian disguise might be tough – I’m especially atheist-looking.

    And I understand Obama is planning to bite the head off a fetus at the convention like Ozzy would. It’s a lifelong dream of his. That’s why he’ll be in the stadium – Coliseum-like, you know, so he can revel in the sound of tens of thousand cheering radical baby-killer defeatocrats.

    And no, it wouldn’t be the first instance of a fetus showing up at a Democratic convention.

  21. 21.

    Cain

    haha.. damage control. Some folks are saying that people are calling into call in radio shows to say that the shooter was some leftist who was upset that the democrats were going centrist. Yeah right.

    cain

  22. 22.

    Ripley

    The decision to address you on this question in an open letter comes with some trepidation

    Trepidation? What, is he afraid the Saddleback Security Team is going to swoop in and haul him off to an undisclosed location?

    To say nothing of the arrogance. Warren leads a 22,000 member church, but he should make his decisions based on a request from some affected, self-important, thesaurus-wielding Uriah Heep with a RedState account?

  23. 23.

    dbrown

    From the WaP rag
    “Gunman Critically Wounds Arkansas Democratic Party Chairman ”

    Looks like Red State may want to encourage its readers to stop Dems using their gun rights …

  24. 24.

    Random Asshole

    “Shorter RedState?”

    I thought that internet traditions require any statement following “Shorter ______” to be in blockquotes.

  25. 25.

    Napoleon

    Some folks are saying that people are calling into call in radio shows to say that the shooter was some leftist who was upset that the democrats were going centrist.

    Reminds me of that part in Perlstein’s Nixonland where when Bremer shoots Wallace they plan to break into Bremer’s sealed off room to plant campaign material from liberals so that they think Bremer is some kind of a left wing nut (instead of the right wing nut they suspected he may turn out to be).

  26. 26.

    Martin

    Trepidation? What, is he afraid the Saddleback Security Team is going to swoop in and haul him off to an undisclosed location?

    Extraordinary rendition to Laguna Woods.

  27. 27.

    Incertus

    Reminds me of that part in Perlstein’s Nixonland where when Bremer shoots Wallace they plan to break into Bremer’s sealed off room to plant campaign material from liberals so that they think Bremer is some kind of a left wing nut (instead of the right wing nut they suspected he may turn out to be).

    Ever since I started reading that book, I’ve been seeing Nixon’s fingerprints slime trail everywhere, and not just because so many of the names are the same.

  28. 28.

    Calouste

    And if Obama gets an even vaguely unbiased treatment by Rick Warren, how long will it be before redstate starts referring to his church as “Brokeback Church”?

    My bet is about 10 seconds after Warren has left the stage.

  30. 30.

    Tsulagi

    Good ol Red State. This diary, one on the RS front page now from Erick that Obama supports infanticide, and a recent one from Leon stating Obama is morally depraved.

    Yeah, they’ve been whipping out their “big” guns trying to get their base excited and aroused. Problem is they’re packing and working with tiny little single-shot derringers. They got no balls magazines.

    Don’t know what’s funnier, these dorks, or that they think they should be taken seriously.

  31. 31.

    greynoldsct00

    Never mind that McCain openly opposes policies that would actually reduce abortion—age appropriate sex education, access to birth control and the morning-after pill, etc.—no, he’s all about telling women when and how they’re allowed to fuck, so he’s the good guy.

    And the women damned well better not get knocked up! Love how these hypocrites have these views on birth control yet they are out screwing around… UGH!!!

  32. 32.

    Tsulagi

    DRAWING C: To buy a $500 Bleacher seat in the Worship Center.
    DRAWING D: To buy a $1,000 Angled Floor seat in the Worship Center.
    DRAWING E: To buy a $2,000 Front Center seat in the Worship Center.

    No freaking way in hell would I pay up to $2,000 to a feel-the-Jesus megachurch to get possibly a green-screen valium experience from McCain, nor even a transcendy one from Obama.

    However, I could open up the wallet and definitely get behind this kind of party…

    Sex, Politics, and Cocktails Late Night Dance Party
    Planned Parenthood
    Samba Room
    10:00 PM – 1:00 AM
    [email protected] Alicia Dupre
    Ticketed – Open to Public

    Breakfast included with ticket price along with thoughtful morning-after pills and discount coupons for future abortions.

  36. 36.

    Punchy

    And if Obama gets an even vaguely unbiased treatment by Rick Warren, how long will it be before redstate starts referring to his church as “Brokeback Church”?

    Ha ha! OOOOooooh Nelly! The most implausible hypothetical in the history of implausible hypotheticals.

    They’ll usher Obama up to the stage using 4 drop-dead 21-year old busty crackers, in bikinis. They’ll park an unopened scud of 8-Ball in a clear jimmy sack and a container of Jerri Curl next to his seat. Warren steps up in a white robe, and opens up by asking McCane what his favorite color is, and then turns to Obama and inquires as to whether he’s stopped fucking hot WHITE broads yet. Any attempt by Obama to explain why he golfs lefty will be met with an accusation of “playing the race card”.

  37. 37.

    Shouting at the Rain

    SpotWeld Says:
    All I can think is: “Three more months of this?”

    Think harder. It’s more like “Four years and three more months of this?”

    I look forward to every day with great anticipation.

  38. 38.

    The Moar You Know

    Best part of that vomit-raising “open letter to Rick Warren” from RedHate:

    I hope this message in a public forum will come to your attention instead of sitting unread in a pile of fan mail

    LULZ

    I find it terribly unlikely that the sad sack of crap who wrote this pearl-clutching novella eight or nine times has his psychotic missives sitting in a pile of “fan mail”. More likely they have been passed along to the Secret Service for general creep quotient.

  39. 39.

    voice of reason

    Traveling through time and aborting baby Jesus – actually, if feasible, that sounds like a very good plan. Even merciful, compared to my impulse (I am very much against torture of any being, except for God, the only entity in the universe deserving of torture. If He returns, he should be tortured. How much torture? The precises quantum of pain representing the sum total of pain, physical, mental, psychic, emotional – suffered by every human being in the history of the world.

  40. 40.

    jasonconga

    hello from a ¨vacation¨in El Salvador, it just tripped me out to see Saddleback Valley Church mentioned on one of my favorite news websites…It literally is a 2 minute drive from my parents house but I wont be there, all for the best probably…should be interesting! Thanks for keeping up the good work while I´m slowly spending money that German people have given me to teach them English!

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