One of my favorite things about running a website is the spam filter. It is nothing but joy going through the filter, trying to figure out what is an actual comment, what is an advertisement for a penis enlarger, and what is an advertisement for a penis enlarger masquerading as an actual comment, and so forth. Clearing the spam filter is EASILY the highlight of my day.
Thus, when I am cleaning the spam filter, nothing makes me happier than to see a commenter who has somehow or another been caught in the filter, and rather than take the hint, posts the SAME GOD DAMNED COMMENT EIGHT TIMES. Usually it starts out with the comment, then the second version of the same comment starts with a playful “The last comment got moderated, so I am trying this again” until it devolves into a paranoid conspiracy that requires all caps- “THIS IS THE ELEVENTY-THIRD TIME I HAVE TRIED TO SUBMIT THIS COMMENT, LET’S SEE IF THIS WORKS.”
Listen closely, folks- submitting the same comment multiple times to see if the next time, it will take, betrays a fundamental lack of understanding as to how machines work. The spam filter isn’t suddenly going to think to itself- “Gee, this guy seems really intent on getting this comment through, so I will let this 6th version of the same comment to go live, even though I stopped the previous five.”
In short, if you find yourself in the spam filter, you are there until I fish you out, so there is no point posting the same damned comment 8432 times, increasingly agitated with each successive attempt. All you do is make my life a bigger pain in the ass. And, to be honest, I have no idea why some of you end up in there. Sometimes it may be your IP address. Other times there are flagged words- “pussy” and “viagra” and “poker” and “lexipro” are some that I know get flagged.
And now, a pet picture:
Claim your kids.
Ned Raggett
Great, now what am I going to do with all my free time thinking about ways to encourage the growth of John’s genitalia?
Um, never mind.
Va Highlander
Well, let’s see…
Dick nipples!
cleek
sometimes we get notices that the comment is sitting in the moderation queue. sometimes it looks like the comment went through, but just never shows up. sometimes refreshing the page will bring up the comment. sometimes it doesn’t. sometimes editing a comment will put it into the moderation queue. i think i’ve had a comment disappear after editing.
yeah, i’m sure it is work on your end. it’s sometimes work on this end, too.
group hug.
PaulW
This is my 4,329th attempt at posting this, but DAAAAMMMMMMMNNN is Kat Dennings hawt!
r€nato
you are a terrible commie islamofascist for suppressing freedom of speech on this privately-run blog!
Dork Vader
THIS IS THE ELEVENTY-TWELFTH TIME I HAVE TRIED TO SUBMIT THIS COMMENT, LET’S SEE IF THIS WORKS.
Brian J
I had this happen to me the other day. I couldn’t understand why one comment on swing states wouldn’t post to the site. Is that because one its main topics, John McCain, is a dickhead?
Svensker
If you like doing the spam filter so much, why are you complaining about it. Eh?
Krista
So if it’s a well-thought-out comment that we think would actually add to the discussion (I know, I know..that’s like what, 0.5% of the comments in here?) should we email to you ask if you can keep an eye out for it when you clear out the spam filter?
Or is that a pain in the ass too?
TheFountainHead
Spam!
It’s pink and it’s oval!
Spam!
You buy it at the Mobile!
Spam!
It’s made in Chernobyl!
Spam!
Sorry. Been in Vegas for two weeks straight and apparently have developed diarrhea of the brain.
h/t Save Ferris
S
I have tried to send love notes to John eleventy-three times, and it has always failed. But the comments have always worked.
4tehlulz
COCKS
(went through…spam-fu is weak)
Ted
Sarah Palin makes Rich Lowry’s penis enlarged.
Heh.
Comrade Mary, Would-Be Minion Of Bad Horse
So, if we were to attempt to describe a woman’s nether regions in feline terms, we could get caught in the canned-spiced-ham trap. Got it.
But what if we were to drop a canned ham from a great height?
Joel
So now you’re -begging- for a hundred idiots to write ‘Gimme some viagra to poker in the pussy"?
Enlargement.
Cris v.3.1
One of my favorite spam filter stories came either from Pandagon or Creek Running North, where it was discovered that the word "socialism" contained a spam-trigger substring.
Cris v.3.1
lol, my witty anecdote just landed in the spam can
greynoldsct00
Gotta give ’em points for determination tho!
Shinobi
My favorite spam note ever, (if it gets through the spam filter)
greynoldsct00
John you realize also that you have now challenged your readership to trick said spam filter and now you might have even more to wade through? I mean, really, you know who you’re dealing with here…
Kevin K.
I would like to point out that I’ve been jammed up in the spam filter twice, but didn’t post my comment again. I just curled up in a ball and cried. Let’s see if I have to do that again.
Martin
I sense a new +6 recreational sport for the site.
Ted
I won’t do that again, John. Dealing with the spam filter is probably enough of a hassle without commenters deliberately getting their comments trapped in it.
But funny, nonetheless.
gbear
Hmm, I just went to MSN to access my email, and this was their top story. The 10 guys most responsible for spam.
J.
Why is it when I read or hear the word "spam" I immediately hear Monty Python singing "Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam…"? Hmm. Wonder if "spam" will set off the spam filter.
Love the pet pictures. Am curious, are all these pets yours, John? Btw, the cat in that picture looks like a younger version of my now 15.5 pound beauty Flora (full name Flora Adorable), who is featured in the (very short, family friendly) video "How to Lint Roll a Cat." Enjoy!
cleek
because that’s where spam got its name from.
random asshole
You don’t understand. Sometimes, I have something REALLY important to say and I need the Balloon Juice folks to pay attention to me!!!!!eleventy!1
Notorious P.A.T.
I never get moderated! Hahahahahahaha!
Dennis - SGMM
@Cris v.3.1:
You nailed it. I just used "that word" twice in a post on the succeeding thread and my comment went into moderation.
I will now submit it 54742 more times. Bwahahaha!
Notorious P.A.T.
Look at her website, you’ll like her even more:
http://www.katdennings.com/
Notorious P.A.T.
They must be destroyed.
Comrade Stuck
I will not make spamI will not make spamI will not make spam
I will not make spamI will not make spamI will not make spam
I will not make spamI will not make spamI will not make spam
May I go out and play now. purdyplease!
kommrade jakevich
Enlarge UR pen!s with SPAM.
gbear
@Notorious P.A.T.:
The third (?) one on the list wound up in jail, escaped, killed his wife and most of his kids and then himself. That pretty well counts as destroyed.
dmak
That pooch appears to be considering whether he can get the kitty’s entire head in his mouth in a single chomp, or whether it’ll take a couple bites.
Don’t do it, puppy.
Laura W
That is my insane Blue Heeler (aka Australian Cattle Dog) "Leah" trying to decide if she should attempt to herd "Lucy", the foster kitten. A foster I actually managed to let go of when she had the chance for adoption. Personal first.
Any time I bring a new kitten into the house Leah becomes even more insane and neurotic than normal and obsesses 24/7 over the new creature. Which is a nice reprieve for me, frankly…the usual object of her obsessive neuroticism. They do not call this breed Velcro Dog for nuthin’.
Leah is hoping that Tunch received the video she sent him a few days ago, accusing him of blowing the election for Obama. I told her that it is either resting comfortably in spam heaven or was one of the gazillion emails Tunch received of that same video.
double-plus-ungood
Nonsense. This how programmers think, as illustrated by this old joke:
A hardware engineer, product manager, and programmer were going out to lunch together. Driving down a steep hill, the brakes suddenly failed. By gearing down and running into the curb, they manage to stop the car.
They get out, and examine the car. The engineer says "I see the problem, give me a ballpoint pen and elastic band and I can get us to a garage. The product manager says "No, we need to figure out where we should go first, to lunch, back to the office, or to a garage". Then the programmer says "I think we should push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."
D-Chance.
Lexipro?
OK… what is that, and should I be worried about it?
Blue Raven
@D-Chance.:
Lexapro is an anti-depressant. It’s Celexa re-jiggered just enough to get a new patent on it so that when Celexa went generic, its creators could still make bank.
(Spam filtered or not?)
Delia
If you are worried about a long, brilliantly written post being swallowed by the spam filter, just copy it before you press submit. That way you can resubmit it, adding various threats to report John to the Trilateral Commission, the Illuminati, the Red-Headed League, or the UN Black Helicopter Division if he doesn’t immediately fish you out of the filter. If it’s just a pointless rant like this, there’s no point in copying it.
SPAM
PEN1S ENLRAGEMENT
bishophicks
@Laura W:
I think all Australian Cattle Dogs are insane. The most polite term I’ve heard is "intense." Our ACD, Bishop, hearded our two cats and our two kids. They make great frisbee dogs. When Bishop was young he could jump seven feet in the air. He freaked out pet sitters because he would sit in a chair and just stare at the person for hours. He really liked the young ladies – our kids had 4 different babysitters over the years and the dog was always just as happy to see them as the kids were. And when we returned in the evening we would often find him sleeping in the sitter’s lap. He was so crazy and destructive that we actually ending up getting him a dog so he’d calm down and it worked. He died in April on his 15th birthday. I loved him a lot, but I’m not crazy enough to get another one.
iluvsummr
Well it’s bizarre when the initial comment gets through and is posted, but a one word edit (the addition of the word "waitstaff") causes the whole post to be flagged as spam and deleted. Makes no sense to me, but hey, that’s why I don’t have a blog.
KRK
Listen, Honey Bunny, I think a nice fried SPAM(TM) sandwich would take your mind off your troubles.
Tim in SF
John, a captcha wordpress plugin will eliminate 100% of your spam.
http://wordpress.org/extend/plugins/simple-captcha/
It’s super easy to install, you just add the plugin through the admin portal. I put one on my blog and it stopped spam altogether.
jenniebee
When I had a blog (I used to have a blog) I put the word c.i.a.l.i.s in the banned list. Next thing you know, discussions of George Orwell’s views on Socialism came to a grinding halt.
Which would have been fine, but without discussing socialism, you can’t say anything about Orwell’s views on Dickens. Seriously.
LiberalTarian
Well, to be honest, my comments are not all that earth shattering. So, if they get lost in the spam filter, I don’t usually care that much.
You might be surprised how often I write a long post and decide against submitting it. Then again, you might not. :) Or, you might think, hell, if these are what she does post, thank gawd she doesn’t submit them all!!!
Comrade Tax Analyst
Moderation, schmoderation, but that sure is a cute picture of that bitch and her pussy.
Comrade Tax Analyst
Sorry, John…I just had to try it.
Laura W
@bishophicks:
I knew someone here had to have an OCD ACD.
Leah will be 10 soon after election day.
She was a rescue and the night I got her I googled: "Australian Cattle Dog" and I sad: "What the FUCK have I done?" This breed is so not my speed, shall we say? I am a cat person! However, we’ve made it work, somehow, over the last decade, and I owe most of that to taking her to Puppy School when she was 8 weeks old and working with her daily for the next 2 years. She’s pretty perfect, as far as dogs go. And she’s afraid of me, which is important with this breed. (I mean she respects me, of course.) I got her to walk with, and nearly every day for the last 10 years we’ve walked, off leash, for a few miles, in snow and rain and sun. It’s the highlight of both of our days.
Like you, however, I will not have another ACD. I’m thinking…Golden Retriever or Westie, IF I ever get another dog.
Ron
I see you use Bad Behavior, as do I. I suggest adding Spam Karma2 to that for better results.
CAPTCHA has already been effectively defeated and will do a better job of annoying your guests than it will at stopping spam, although if you do use one, I suggest ReCAPTCHA, which at least will serve some useful purpose.