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You are here: Home / Open Threads / Home At Last

Home At Last

by John Cole|  November 23, 200811:40 pm| 90 Comments

This post is in: Open Threads

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As much as I liked California, the flight home was epic suck. For whatever reason, despite reserving an aisle seat and confirming an aisle seat as I checked in, I was nonetheless given a ticket that, when I boarded the plane, put me squarely crammed into a window seat. At 6’1″ and having lost my girlish figure long ago, wedging my copious ass into a window seat for 5 hours is teh awesome. Even better, I managed to draw the seat in which the window is not really there, but I got half of the window in front of me and half of the one behind, which means- a huge ass hunk of airframe in my shoulder for 5 hours.

To make the flight more fun, I got seated next to a young college couple who went through various displays of public affection for the duration of the flight. She was fidgety- I never realized that the little air nozzle on airplanes that control individual airflow required direct and active supervision for the entire flight until sitting next to her. He was uninterested, instead choosing to spend his time reading the Fountainhead.

That, in and of itself was disconcerting. He looked like a young preppy frat boy, probably 20-21, so I had the classic dilemma. Did I raise a scene and rip it out of his hands and replace it with the copy of the Bacevich book in my carry-on bag, or maybe the latest Vanity Fair, thereby saving the world of another glibertarian intent on ruining the online world with more inane Tech Central Daily posts? Or did I run the odds and hope that there would be no long-term damage done to his young mind? Youth recover quickly, and there is a solid chance that he might outgrow the harm at least by age thirty.

I never came to a decision about what to do. I just put the headphones on and watch the inflight movie, which was Wall-E. The young co-ed loved that- alternately squealing, giggling, and damping at moist eyes during the “poignant” parts. I just tried to concentrate on the movie, rather than throttling the 5 year old kicking the back of my seat or telling his mother to cover her damned mouth when she coughed. I will have to watch it again some time, and it may turn out that if I watch it when I am not plotting the murder of fellow passengers, I will enjoy it more.

I think over Iowa, I contemplated suicide for the first time in my life, but the TSA folks had made sure I had no sharp objects. I think if I am ever told I am going to die in a month, I will immediately board a plane- that will make the thirty days seem like forever.

Oh yeah. They lost my god damned luggage, too. Allegedly, that will be delivered tomorrow.

*** Update ***

Shouldn’t they have to give me the 15 bucks back for checking my luggage, since they lost it? And why are they still charging me anyway, now that prices for fuel are back to normal and they are still running smaller jam packed planes with not so much as one empty seat and a skeleton crew of aggravated flight attendants? Bastards.

And here is Lewis CK telling me to shut up and to stop being such a whiner:

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Reader Interactions

90Comments

  1. 1.

    Ben

    November 23, 2008 at 11:46 pm

    The Fountainhead, you say? Did they meet at theatlasphere?

    http://nymag.com/news/features/artifact/51814/

  2. 2.

    Balconespolitics

    November 23, 2008 at 11:49 pm

    You got off lucky.

    The in-flight movie could have featured Pauly Shore.

    The co-ed could have weighed 300 pounds, and spilled over your armrests.

    And the Fountainhead reader could have been nudging her throughout the whole flight to keep reading her passages.

  3. 3.

    Fencedude

    November 23, 2008 at 11:54 pm

    I’ve long considered it a blessing that I never quite got around to reading that copy of the Fountainhead that a friend gave me in highschool.

    Of course, the fact that he reccomended it and I always thought his opinions were full of crap were the main reasons I didn’t read it…

  4. 4.

    Incertus

    November 23, 2008 at 11:57 pm

    I say you really should give Wall-E another shot when you’re not in such miserable circumstances. It really is a good movie.

    As for the flight, that’s why, if I get interviews at MLA this year, I’m taking 4 days to get there on the Amtrak, Fort Lauderdale to San Francisco

  5. 5.

    Redhand

    November 24, 2008 at 12:02 am

    If at all possible, I take the train.

  6. 6.

    Darkrose

    November 24, 2008 at 12:05 am

    I feel your pain. The six-hour flight from Dulles to Oakland last night felt like it would never end. If we hadn’t landed when we did, I might have been forced to put a gag on the valley girl behind me who didn’t shut up for 3,000 miles–and not in the happy fun BDSM way.

    Also, I never thought I’d be nostalgic for airplane food until facing a cross-country flight with nothing but cashews and dry, crumbly cookies.

  7. 7.

    Ron

    November 24, 2008 at 12:17 am

    And why are they still charging me anyway, now that prices for fuel are back to normal and they are still running smaller jam packed planes with not so much as one empty seat and a skeleton crew of aggravated flight attendants?

    Because they can? Once the airlines realized they could get away with charging for every little thing separately I’m sure they decided to never change it back.

  8. 8.

    Cap'n Phealy

    November 24, 2008 at 12:17 am

    John, you just don’t understand how things work.

    Not only will they not lower current pricing to reflect the drop in fuel prices, but when fuel prices go back up, they’re gonna raise fares and fees again.

  9. 9.

    srv

    November 24, 2008 at 12:18 am

    John, John… That is the classic OC couple. You going to have a problem with that now?

    Take it as a warning after your earlier San Diego orgasmofest. Try the Bay or Austin first.

  10. 10.

    freelancer

    November 24, 2008 at 12:18 am

    Phil Plait posted this 2 days ago.

    To think it could have taken you 30 years to get home through real ‘merka.

  11. 11.

    Brick Oven Bill

    November 24, 2008 at 12:37 am

    “Did I raise a scene and rip it out of his hands and replace it with the copy of the Bacevich book in my carry-on bag…”

    The first Amendment was very good. May it live forever.

  12. 12.

    Nylund

    November 24, 2008 at 12:37 am

    During my last flight, I too paid the checked baggage fee (ever since that fee, the fight for overhead bin space is just too brutal for me to deal with as EVERYONE does carry-on).

    They too lost my bags. Nothing is more annoying to be forced to pay them a checked baggage fee only to have them promptly lose the bag.

    It took 2 days or so for my bag to get back (and I had to skip out in the middle of the work day to meet them at my home, much to the chagrin of my boss). I hope you actually get yours tomorrow. And no, you will not get your $15 back. They have all sorts of excuses as to why they still deserve that money after losing your bag.

    But, at least, you, like me, lost it on the way home and not while on vacation. That is truly annoying.

  13. 13.

    John Cole

    November 24, 2008 at 12:40 am

    @freelancer: LOL. That is pretty awesome.

  14. 14.

    Mike

    November 24, 2008 at 12:41 am

    I read The Fountainhead in college, because this girl I really wanted to sleep with recommended it. Unfortunately, while I have very little recollection of the sex, I remember the damned book in some detail.

  15. 15.

    Zuzu's Petals

    November 24, 2008 at 12:42 am

    I forgot about the new policy and had to pay to check the folding canvas chair I took to Ohio for the election. I probably paid for the whole thing all over again, but must admit it was comfy for spending the day outside a polling place.

  16. 16.

    TheDeadlyShoe

    November 24, 2008 at 12:48 am

    Have a heart. They need the $15 to pay UPS to deliver all the bags they lose.

  17. 17.

    Porlock Junior

    November 24, 2008 at 12:48 am

    @Incertus:
    What route does that train take? Because, if it takes an I-80-ish route over the mountains, it’s probably good idea; but you do not want to ride Amtrak up the coast to SF from the south. Not to go into too many details, but when I took a Crack Train (space here for crack jokes) a few years ago for the fun of not flying, I thought I had got a singularly bad day, but it turns out not to have been far from the norm, and quite far from the worst, in starting 20-30 minutes late (of course) and getting proressively later all the way until arriving in Oakland several hours late and with no dining car. And don’t forget that there were passengers who were going on to Potland, oh what fun, at least it wasn’t Portland, Maine. Oh, and in addition to the long stretches of single track along the coast, on which every slow freight gets priority over Amtrak, there’s the condition of the track, which is not simply bone-rattling but frightening.

    In contrast, Southwest Air is a splendid luxury for the LAX-OAK run.

  18. 18.

    Zuzu's Petals

    November 24, 2008 at 12:51 am

    @Porlock Junior:

    Uh oh, I’ve been thinking about trying Amtrak from Sacto to Portland (OR). I know it leaves at midnight and takes like 13 hours, but I heard the daylight scenery is nice. And the return trip.

    The Capitol Corridor between Sacto and the East Bay is fast and easy, and a lot more fun than driving. You can BART into SF from a couple of the stations as well.

  19. 19.

    r€nato

    November 24, 2008 at 12:58 am

    I am slightly embarrassed to admit this, but I found Atlas Shrugged very readable (well, except for that never-fucking-ending billion-page-long monologue by John Galt). I think I read it 3 times even though I still thought Ayn Rand was full of shit.

    The Fountainhead, on the other hand… I started and re-started reading that book three or four times until I finally allowed myself to admit that it was a deathly boring, unreadable piece of shit.

  20. 20.

    srv

    November 24, 2008 at 1:13 am

    @Porlock Junior: Well, who takes the train to be early?

    The Empire Builder from Chicago to Seattle is quite a trip, mesmerizing. Zephyr from Denver to Emeryville is awesome. Coast Starlight is so-so.

    But they’re not for commuters with a schedule. Amtrak can’t help that everyone in flyover (or the valley) country wants to off themselves by jumping in front of a train.

  21. 21.

    srv

    November 24, 2008 at 1:15 am

    @r€nato: Funny, it was just the opposite for me. Maybe it was the interest in architecture.

  22. 22.

    Mean Gene

    November 24, 2008 at 1:23 am

    Noise-canceling headphones + iPod = happy passenger. Bring your own snack and something to drink and you can safely ignore every bastard on the plane who would vex you.

  23. 23.

    freelancer

    November 24, 2008 at 1:27 am

    At the beginning of October, I was house-sitting for my parents while they went to visit an aunt in Maine for a few weeks. While there, I DVR’d Louis’ special on Showtime, being a fan of his comedy. 5 days before Halloween, I’m driving home from work on the Interstate, when a deer jumps out in front of me, and I obliterate the poor bastard with my car. $6200 damage, and almost a month later, I just got my car back, and I can vouch to you that This was the first thing that popped into my head. (NSFW, language)

    I don’t know what it is about the guy, but he lives in a place that all of us have accessed.

  24. 24.

    Joe Max

    November 24, 2008 at 1:27 am

    I feel you, brother. But you haven’t experienced air travel suck until you’ve spent 22 hours from hotel lobby in Indonesia to front porch at home, with three plane changes (one flying in roughly the opposite direction) and a four hour layover in Taipei at 4am local time.

    Air France lost my luggage three times in one summer. I like most things French but Air France blows.

  25. 25.

    Mentis Fugit

    November 24, 2008 at 1:30 am

    Ben:

    The Fountainhead, you say? Did they meet at theatlasphere?

    From the link:

    mattqatsi, East Dundee, Illinois
    If I Could “Do Lunch” With Anyone: Ronald Reagan and Newt Gingrich … Do I really have to explain?

    Why yes, mattqatis, you do. Even in his prime, Ronald Reagan would have been far too stringy. And now? "Gamy" wouldn’t even begin to describe it.

  26. 26.

    Incertus

    November 24, 2008 at 1:33 am

    @Porlock Junior: If we do it, it’ll the one that goes through Denver–we have family on the way. But yeah, no plans to take the southerly route.

  27. 27.

    OriGuy

    November 24, 2008 at 1:33 am

    @Zuzu’s Petals: I took the Coast Starlight from San Jose to Tacoma. The roughest track is from Sacramento to Redding. I woke up from dreaming that I was in an earthquake that just wouldn’t stop. The scenery is nice, though. In August you hit Mt. Shasta just after sunrise. The best part is crossing the Cascades; between Chemult and Eugene.
    It left San Jose about 30 minutes late and got into Tacoma about two hours late. The biggest delays come when they have to pull over on a siding and wait for a freighter. Amtrak is lowest priority. They have to give way to freight trains, commuter trains, and two guys on a handcart singing "Camptown Ladies".

  28. 28.

    TenguPhule

    November 24, 2008 at 1:45 am

    And why are they still charging me anyway, now that prices for fuel are back to normal and they are still running smaller jam packed planes with not so much as one empty seat and a skeleton crew of aggravated flight attendants?

    Why do you hates the Free Markets?

  29. 29.

    Zuzu's Petals

    November 24, 2008 at 1:49 am

    @Joe Max:

    My son does that once a month. Portland-Tokyo-Singapore, then reverse 30 days later. Some airlines do it better than others, obviously.

  30. 30.

    Nemoudeis

    November 24, 2008 at 1:50 am

    I’ve never gotten around to reading Ayn Rand; but I’ve been girding myself up for taking on Atlas Shrugged, if for no other reason but that I really,really wanna know what it is about Rand that these rockhead followers of hers think is so goddamned revolutionary.

    I have a feeling it all basically boils down to, "Ayn Rand is the only person in the world who’s ever understood that my self-indulgent, intellectually masturbatory rationalizations are actually the brilliant insights of a grossly misunderstood mind." Unlike them, however, I’d feel guilty about going off all half-cocked; so I’d like to read her work first before judging her with any finality, and allow her to incriminate herself in her own words.

    I’d also rather not have to go and buy a copy, so I’m waiting for a borrowed one to fall into my lap. This may take a while, as it turns out I generally don’t have much time for the type of people who tend to hang on to their copies of the book long enough to lend out.

  31. 31.

    Zuzu's Petals

    November 24, 2008 at 1:56 am

    @OriGuy:

    Thanks. I have a friend who is a train nut and knows every detail of every route. He recommends the sunrise portion as well.

    Actually, he thinks I should take the Empire Builder out of Portland over to Glacier National Park. Supposed to be spectacular scenery.

  32. 32.

    toolshed

    November 24, 2008 at 2:02 am

    I’d also rather not have to go and buy a copy, so I’m waiting for a borrowed one to fall into my lap. This may take a while, as it turns out I generally don’t have much time for the type of people who tend to hang on to their copies of the book long enough to lend out.

    If only there was some public repository of books that might have a copy you could take home and read at your own leisure. Maybe Barack Hus-socialist Obama will install such a anti-free market idea for you.

  33. 33.

    Cain

    November 24, 2008 at 2:20 am

    John, welcome back. I’d like to subscribe you to:

    Pretty in Mink Hot conservative ladies dressed in dead animals. Like the animals, their souls are dead too. But hey, they are "hot"!

    Legions of cheetos eating vermin will be jerking off to those pics hanging like a dart board on their walls. After they finish off a phlegm specked post, they’ll wank and shoot. It’s how the conservatives make money for fundraising honestly. They go through a lot of those calendars every year.

    cain

    ps do they keep their minks?

  34. 34.

    randiego

    November 24, 2008 at 2:22 am

    john,
    san diego rocks. don’t let anyone tell you different.

  35. 35.

    Turgidson

    November 24, 2008 at 2:24 am

    @Nemoudeis:

    You’ve pretty much nailed it. Atlas Shrugged appeals to those who think profound, unflinching, soulless selfishness is the highest virtue mankind can hope to achieve. "If only everyone was as much of a self-centered douche as me, the world would be such a wonderful place…the trains would run on time and everything!", they must think to themselves.

    I’m not a role model for selflessness myself, but I still thought it was a steaming pile of self-indulgent wanking bullshit. I didn’t even make it to John Galt’s monologue, but when my libertarian wacko father told me I didn’t read the best part, I found it and read the beginning of that part, too. Even worse than the parts I had read…

    I was glad I hadn’t wasted another dozen hours or so of my life on that worthless piece of dreck. Yeah, Ayn, we get it. Communism sucked. So let’s just let the rich and talented do whatever the fuck they feel like all the time, and everything will work out for everyone.

    (looks at the stock market for the past 3 months)

    Oh….

  36. 36.

    srv

    November 24, 2008 at 2:37 am

    really,really wanna know what it is about Rand that these rockhead followers of hers think is so goddamned revolutionary.

    For them, it’s all about the sex scenes. I never finished, because I couldn’t get through them without objectively throwing up.

    Alas, even the Cliff Notes version was 200 pages long or so, but a town disaster saved me from having to kill the Literature class rather than finish that book report. I’ve often wondered if that’s what really happened at Columbine.

  37. 37.

    Tattoosydney

    November 24, 2008 at 2:40 am

    @Mean Gene:

    Noise-canceling headphones + iPod = happy passenger. Bring your own snack and something to drink and you can safely ignore every bastard on the plane who would vex you.

    Hell yes. I had to fly the last time without my Bose headphones, and it was (relative) hell. It’s not until you have them that you realise just how noisy it is on a big plane…

    and there’s nothing more satisfying than not being able to hear the idiot next to you at all, no matter how much they try to get your attention …

    Mind you I did have one guy tap me on the shoulder, and make me take my headphones off, so he could tell me about god. You can’t always escape….

  38. 38.

    bago

    November 24, 2008 at 2:45 am

    Always fly Virgin Air. They make travel cool again.

  39. 39.

    Cain

    November 24, 2008 at 2:46 am

    Mind you I did have one guy tap me on the shoulder, and make me take my headphones off, so he could tell me about god. You can’t always escape….

    Damn, I’ve never had that. But that would be a perfect opportunity to tell him that you worship the Devil. That you believed that Lucifer was correct to defy God due to ideas you gleaned from reading Ayn Rand. It’ll make their head explode. :-)

    cain

  40. 40.

    Cain

    November 24, 2008 at 2:47 am

    I tried to read Ayn Rand once. I got to about 3 chapters before the idiocy of the characters made me want to nuke the entire world and call it done. God, what a bunch wanking fuckstains.

    cain

  41. 41.

    Turgidson

    November 24, 2008 at 3:06 am

    @Cain:

    Yeah that’s another thing. The characters are all insufferable (I imagine that’s the point, except that Rand’s protagonists are even more horrible than the lazy "bad guys," which I’m sure is NOT the point)

    On top of that, if I remember correctly, every single goddamn conversation between her characters is this epic battle of wills. I’d have killed myself and several other people long ago if people talked to me the way they talk to each other in Atlas Shrugged.

    Man, I’d forgotten how much I hated that book.

    Oh, and as for the subject of the post, I’m 6’6" and most of my height is in my legs. I don’t want to hear another word about how flying sucks. I honestly need to contort myself into all kinds of awkward, unnatural positions that cut off circulation to some appendage just to fit into my assigned space. No matter how little money I have, if I’m on a flight that’s more than 2 hours and there’s an option to upgrade to "economy plus" or an equivalent, I’ll pay for it. That extra few inches is the difference between unspeakable torture and mere slight discomfort.

  42. 42.

    Ecks

    November 24, 2008 at 3:09 am

    I tried figuring out a while ago exactly why libertarians were so annoying. I mean, sure they are selfish, but so are lots of people. Anyway, I think I got there in the end, but it took a while to get past the head-shaking and sighing-in-exasperation stage.

  43. 43.

    JenJen

    November 24, 2008 at 3:17 am

    Oh jesus, are they still handing out free copies of Ayn Rand’s bile outside freshman lit?

    That shit needs to be stopped.

    For what it’s worth, goin’ Greyhound is more glamorous than air travel these days. And I can guarantee you’d have more interesting seatmates. Of course, it would take you twelve days to get to West Virginia from Cali…

    There simply has to be a better way. SUPERTRAIN!

  44. 44.

    A la lanterne les aristos

    November 24, 2008 at 3:28 am

    I enjoy the Coast Starlight from LA to the Bay Area, and the Zephyr to and from Denver was even better-especially since we were rerouted through the American River Canyon on the way back… next year I’m hoping to take the train to Montreal-although given the length I think I’m gonna have to pony up the cash to avoid coach this time.

    As for The Fountainhead, I read it when I was in my early teens and I remember I was fascinated by all the architecture bits. At that age the ‘philosophy’ was interesting to read but not compelling-I think a few years of Heinlein had inoculated me to the sort of politics that were attractive within their fictional universes but repulsive outside of it. I can’t imagine rereading it for pleasure.

  45. 45.

    Maximus

    November 24, 2008 at 3:32 am

    I once flew from Houston to Fort Lauderdale when my mother was dying. I had headphones, sunglasses and a book to read. I figured that would signal to anyone that I wanted to be left alone. Wrong…
    The jerk in the center seat tried to talk to me the entire trip. I mentioned my situation, thinking that it would shut him up, but I was then treated to the entire saga of his dad’s surgery (he didn’t even die, but by then, I was wishing he had).
    By the end of the flight, I was beginning to see the benefits of burqas. Or chain mail. Or eau de skunk….

  46. 46.

    Ecks

    November 24, 2008 at 3:38 am

    I once had a train trip from Toronto to Montreal right after the big ice storm in, oh, 1996 or 7. The really weird thing about it was that as you got closer to Montreal, lots of the trees had these white stripes on their sides – it took a while to realize that this is where branches had become so heavy with ice that they had ripped off, leaving a strip of missing bark down the side of the trunk. Freakyweird.

  47. 47.

    BruceK

    November 24, 2008 at 3:47 am

    The only reason that I can see right now to read Atlas Shrugged and The Fountainhead is to get some of the references I might have missed in Bioshock…

  48. 48.

    Lesley

    November 24, 2008 at 4:12 am

    North American airlines could take lessons from Singapore Airline.

  49. 49.

    ninerdave

    November 24, 2008 at 4:14 am

    @bago:

    Always fly Virgin Air. They make travel cool again.

    After my last cluster fuck in flight (I’m 6’3" and have lost more of my girlish figure than John) from SF to Boston and back, I’ll either fly Virgin or save my duckets for first class, and if I can’t do either, then I’m not going.

    Getting crammed in the window seat (to Boston) or the middle (on the way back) in a row with full grown men (both ways) was insane. I fully understand John’s wanting to kill everyone within a few rows of me.

    Oh yeah, and United can kiss my ass. I spent miles to "upgrade" to first on both flights. Each way First was sold out, and yet, United kept their points I "spent". I’m canceling that miles program stat and never flying them again.

  50. 50.

    ninerdave

    November 24, 2008 at 4:19 am

    @Tattoosydney:

    Mind you I did have one guy tap me on the shoulder, and make me take my headphones off, so he could tell me about god. You can’t always escape….

    That would get a big lecture on the joys of satanism from me, or simply my big fat middle finger on the bridge of his nose

  51. 51.

    ninerdave

    November 24, 2008 at 4:22 am

    Of course if you have $17k round trip to spare, Emirates Airlines has private suites in First Class.

    The new private suite is fully equipped with individual storage, a coat closet, vanity desk and personal mini bar. The extra-large seat reclines to become a fully flat bed, and the 23" wide-screen LCD screen features over 600 channels of ice entertainment.

    That’s flying my friends.

  52. 52.

    Cain

    November 24, 2008 at 4:26 am

    @ninerdave:

    That’s flying my friends.

    Does it comes with some virgins?

    cain

  53. 53.

    bago

    November 24, 2008 at 4:46 am

    And I do appreciate watching boingboing tv at 30,000 feet while trapped in a metal tube hurtling through the air at 500 miles an hour considering the fact that Mr Branson’s other plane IS in fact, a space ship.

  54. 54.

    DecidedFenceSitter

    November 24, 2008 at 6:38 am

    Regarding why prices haven’t dropped. While there’s a bit of "well hey they’ll pay this", I believe it is more a case of the option contracts that the airlines signed.

    Remember when Southwest was making money hand over foot because they signed contracts at X, even though it was over the current price, and when prices skyrocketed, they were still paying X while everyone else was paying 200% of X?*

    Well here’s the problem in reverse. The airlines all signed contracts to pay Y, and now the price is 50% of Y, but the contract still requires them to pay Y. Welcome to the wonderful world of contract options.

    *All percentages are made up.

  55. 55.

    smiley

    November 24, 2008 at 6:52 am

    @A la lanterne les aristos:

    As for The Fountainhead, I read it when I was in my early teens and I remember I was fascinated by all the architecture bits.

    It took 44 posts before someone mentioned the main thing I got from The Fountainhead. I read it in my early 20’s and that book made me think of architecture as art for the first time. I’ve looked at buildings differently ever since.

    @freelancer:
    I feel the same way about flying that Kramer does. I’m amazed every time.

  56. 56.

    smiley

    November 24, 2008 at 7:15 am

    BTW, John’s experiences on the flights to and from SD remind me of how wrong I was when I lived on the west coast and thought it would be no big deal to fly back east to visit family and friends. It’s kind of a big deal, or at least it can be.

  57. 57.

    Cynicor

    November 24, 2008 at 7:51 am

    When I flew to Long Beach last month, I had Hottie and Douchebag making out next to me for five hours. You’re on a plane now, you can take your hoodie down, Slim Joey. Then I put my tray table up and the guy in front of me swung around and started bitching me out for "repeatedly kicking his seat."

    A week earlier, I was flying up from Charlotte on one of those four-across regional jets. I had the exit row (which on JetBlue is 38" seat pitch). There’s the ONE seat left next to me, and this 400-lb guy comes down the aisle. He points at my seat and says "I’m sitting there." I said that no, this was my seat. He said "Then where’s 12D?" I explained to him that the little sign above the seat that said C=aisle, D=window meant that D=window.

    So he crams in, sits down, and says "I thought this was supposed to be the row with the wider seats." Because they usually make one row with really wide seats and NO AISLE.

    Two minutes later, he grabs the armrest, the only thing keeping 8" of him off of my seat, and says "This should probably be up, huh?" I looked over and said "The armrest has to stay down. TSA regulations state that exit row armrests have to remain down during the duration of the flight." And he bought it! ahahahahaha

  58. 58.

    Frank

    November 24, 2008 at 8:01 am

    My ex had a great flight on United many years ago.

    They couldn’t get a plane off the ground, so she went out on Northwest and came back on American.

  59. 59.

    Rebecca

    November 24, 2008 at 8:15 am

    Long-time lurker, first-time poster.

    Whenever I fly, I prime the experience by reading flightsfromhell.com. If you can read about other people’s personal nightmares before getting onboard and possibly engaging in your own, it at least gives you ideas for how it could be worse.

    On the subject of Ayn Rand, I’ve never been able to make it through "Atlas Shrugged," in spite of having tried 3 times. That 3-hour, 50-page monologue of John Galt’s wears me down every time. The whole book is like an ideological hammer, pounding at you with the same ideas, again and again and again.

  60. 60.

    kommrade reproductive vigor

    November 24, 2008 at 8:16 am

    If you want to know where Bush Admin got its theory of human rights look no further than the rights airlines give to passengers.

    Airline passengers have no rights, sez you?

    Exactly, sez I.

    That’s why I only fly if there’s absolutely no other way to get where I absolutely have to be. The sale of an airline ticket is a complete perversion of contract law.

    re: Any Rand. I tried reading Atlas Shrugged once to impress someone. I can read anything, even cereal boxes, but ten tedious pages in I realized 1. Rand can’t write. 2. Anyone who has orgasms over that shit needs a big fucking L branded across the forehead as a warning to others. "I must read this book"? Fuck you, you must get a life.

  61. 61.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    November 24, 2008 at 8:35 am

    LOL.

    Sounds like yer developing a healthy distate for the plebes. Won’t be long before yer movin into an ivory tower with the rest of us elitists.

  62. 62.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    November 24, 2008 at 8:36 am

    Distaste even.

  63. 63.

    Brian J

    November 24, 2008 at 8:40 am

    The last time I flew anywhere was when my family went to Disney World when I was in third grade. Even if I was in my stage of being a fat kid at the time, I’d definitely fit into a plane seat better than I would now. I’m not particularly big, but I’m such a weirdo when it comes to space. I don’t like sitting next to anyone on a couch, unless it’s a woman that I’m trying to get close to. If I go to the movies with a friend, unless it’s one of my close ones that is a woman, we’ll usually sit with one seat between us. One of the reasons I’ve never been to a concert is because I’m dreading the inevitable closeness that I’d face. I used to take buses to and from college in my freshman and sophomore years, and if I sat next to someone nice, I’d wish the seat was empty.

    I’m not sure if this is some sort of psychological issue or something, but I can definitely understand how space issues would make a flight like that miserable. If I ever have to fly regularly when I’m older, I’m not sure what I’ll do if I ever have to be crammed in like cow.

    By the way, try calling up the airline and complaining. At the very least, as a matter of principle, you should try getting your money back for the baggage, but see what else they will throw at you. Don’t be nasty to the person on the phone, of course, and perhaps each company is dealing with so many complaints that it won’t make a difference in the end, but maybe they will be nice and throw you a bone. It’s worth a shot, I guess.

  64. 64.

    Doctor Science

    November 24, 2008 at 9:11 am

    I recently travelled from NJ to NC and back by train and it was incredibly sane. For my husband, a 6-footer with bad knees, it was a see-the-light conversion experience. Travel hundreds of miles and don’t end up crippled with pain! And you can get work done!

  65. 65.

    smiley

    November 24, 2008 at 9:20 am

    And here is Lewis CK telling me to shut up and to stop being such a whiner:

    I could have sworn that was Jim Kramer.

  66. 66.

    dan robinson

    November 24, 2008 at 9:27 am

    Goddamn, Cole, you fucking whine a lot. Bitch, bitch, bitch.

    You remind me of some lame ass recruit, whining about his recruiter and the lies the guy told him.

    Man-up.

  67. 67.

    marge

    November 24, 2008 at 9:46 am

    As a travel agent with 30 years of experience, here is the advice I give my clients. Your vacation, business trip, whatever, does not begin until you reach your destination. It ends when you check out of your hotel. The travel to and fro is not vacation, it is work. If you have that attitude when you travel, you will not be as stressed. Airlines suck.

  68. 68.

    Nicole

    November 24, 2008 at 9:48 am

    Ayn Rand’s fiction is the teenage boy equivalent of the Twilight novels. I read them all (I had a crush on a boy who liked Ayn Rand), including the interminable We the Living.

    That said, I do highly recommend either of the biographies about her, each written by former members of her inner circle. Much more entertaining than her novels. And more sensational.

  69. 69.

    J. Michael Neal

    November 24, 2008 at 9:55 am

    I always make sure to ask a new acquaintance whether they like Ayn Rand or Neal Stephenson. If they answer yes to either, I make sure to never let them pick what movie we’re going to go see.

  70. 70.

    Deborah

    November 24, 2008 at 10:07 am

    You should definitely give Wall-E another shot; it’s really not a movie to plot murder by.

    Ayn Rand has been all over the place this election. Not the dominant metaphor–that would be zombies–but is this where the few young Republicans go?

    Good advice from Marge. And why are they still charging me anyway, now that prices for fuel are back to normal and they are still running smaller jam packed planes with not so much as one empty seat and a skeleton crew of aggravated flight attendants? Bastards.
    They will charge us until some Jet Blueesque competition is stealing everyone with their "no hidden fees! and cookies!" marketing.

    I wish Song had survived. I would happily pay to eat their quite decent food–a little marvel of capitalistic competition in action, we got it once when we almost missed a flight, and thereafter were happy to plan to grab a reasonably-priced, fresh-food-including, meal on the plane. Plus the little tvs kept my children occupied for the entire flight.

  71. 71.

    John Cole

    November 24, 2008 at 11:20 am

    @dan robinson: LOL. Actually, funny you should say that, because my recruiter was Staff Sergeant Truini, and everythine he ever said to me… turned out to be true. I always laughed when people talked about the lies their recruiters told them. I guess I just got lucky, because mine told the truth.

  72. 72.

    Tymannosourus

    November 24, 2008 at 11:25 am

    I think over Iowa, I contemplated suicide for the first time in my life

    Iowa has that effect.

  73. 73.

    comrade scott's agenda of rage

    November 24, 2008 at 11:26 am

    Everybody’s got it wrong about air travel. Atrios said it best earlier this year:

    "Travelling by airplane in the US is nothing more than mass training of Americans to the requirements of the coming police state. The whole point is to make you learn to acquiesce without question, en masse, to completely absurd directives by dull functionaries wearing uniforms."

    Even with our basic constitutional rights presumably restored to us under the incoming administration, soooooo many bad precedents have been set during the last 8 years.

    I blame Cole…twice, for voting for that fucktard. But, then, being an extreme lefty Dem, I don’t believe in personal accountability so if it’s not Cole’s fault, I’ll find others to pin this on.

  74. 74.

    JoyceH

    November 24, 2008 at 11:30 am

    I had a five hour flight my own self this week, flew from Los Angeles to Dulles. It’s been a while since I’ve flown and what struck me was the monstrous size of some of the ‘carryons’ people are humping around.

    This flight was overbooked, every seat filled and they had to get on the intercom before boarding and beg for three people to take a bribe to settle for a later flight. What other industry is allowed to sell the same item to more than one person?

    And Henry Paulson was on the flight – anyone know what he was doing in LA? At the gate there were these guys with wires in their ears – someone said Paulson was on the flight and when they finally let us board, there he was in first class.

    We got into Dulles at midnight, and Dulles has these ‘mobile lounges’ that carry people from the gates to the main terminal. We all straggled to the doors of the mobile lounges, and Paulson and his three minions got on one, which took off with just the four of them – an airport person kept other people from boarding it. Reminded me of the ‘millionaires’ lifeboat’ from the Titanic. As the rest of us were getting into the other one, someone asked, "Why did that one leave with four people on it?" Me: "Because that was the Secretary of the Treasury."

    Oh well, at least he flew commercial…

  75. 75.

    Svensker

    November 24, 2008 at 11:51 am

    My favorite flight was a red-eye from LA to NY years ago. The guy sitting next to me thought I was cute and was flirting and chatting. We had a nice conversation, then each got our blankets and settled down for a nap. Except that he, um, well, was not the master of his fate under that blanket. Needless to say, I didn’t shake hands with him when we deplaned.

  76. 76.

    eyelessgame

    November 24, 2008 at 1:17 pm

    I hope this isn’t spoilers for anyone. But. Wall-E bothered me a whole lot — humans have hyperdrive, artificial gravity, and evidently cheap safe limitless nonpolluting energy generation, and they just hang around stalled in deep space for hundreds of years doing OMG nothing wtf? — until I realized that what we were seeing had to have been the Golgafrincham B Ark. There had to have been other people out there properly treating the universe as their burrito.

  77. 77.

    Trollhattan

    November 24, 2008 at 1:31 pm

    I have the Readers Digest version of Cole’s flight experience twice a day on the light rail, but because my trip’s all of twelve minutes I know I can tough it out and if needed, hold my breath while seven nearby people sneeze and cough. Advantage over flying–you can always bail and get another train.

    Aren’t Atlas Shrugged and Dianetics the same book? I gets cornfuzed.

  78. 78.

    AhabTRuler

    November 24, 2008 at 1:35 pm

    Well, who takes the train to be early?

    Europeans.

    SATSQ.

  79. 79.

    CIRCVS MAXIMVS MMVIII

    November 24, 2008 at 1:38 pm

    John, your talent as a writer is better put to use as a Dave Barry "Nightmares of My Past" type humorist. Really! This is ROTFLMFAOWPMP funny, (sorry you had to endure the experience though).

    Write a book, your talent could earn you a REAL life (and women will flock to you in droves).

  80. 80.

    CIRCVS MAXIMVS MMVIII

    November 24, 2008 at 1:43 pm

    Iowa has that effect.

    Mannfred Mann used to have a song called "Stranded in Iowa" – I listened to it while I was in Germany, never heard it in the states.

  81. 81.

    Trollhattan

    November 24, 2008 at 2:57 pm

    Something like Credence’s "Lodi" expanded to concept-album length?

    Iowa’s pretty nice in October, but then so’s Lodi and it’s a lot easier to escape.

    @CIRCVS MAXIMVS MMVIII

    Mannfred Mann used to have a song called "Stranded in Iowa" – I listened to it while I was in Germany, never heard it in the states.

  82. 82.

    Polish the Guillotines

    November 24, 2008 at 5:32 pm

    I tried reading Atlas Shrugged on a friend’s recommendation. Ponderous does not begin to accurately describe Ayn Rand’s writing. I couldn’t finish it.

    The only Ayn Rand contribution to "art" that’s worth a lick was her influence on this, and even then….

    Coast Starlight = beautiful scenery (at least through Oregon).

    PSA = coolest airline (long defunct).

  83. 83.

    qkslvrwolf

    November 24, 2008 at 6:36 pm

    Always fly southwest. Or, at the very least, always fly an airline that doesn’t have pre-defined seats, if you’re flying alone.

    Here’s the system:

    You check in and get your A or B group boarding pass. It doesn’t matter what the little number on your pass is, just let everyone in your group board in front of you.

    Now, southwest flights pretty much always fill up aisle and window seats first…thus everyone else abdicates their choice of neighbor. You can use this to your advantage. Well, if you’re a guy you can use this to your advantage.

    Now that you are on the 2/3’s full plane, you will have your pick of center seats in the front 1/3 of the plane. Center seats are horrible! You say. "Ah," I reply, "not if you get to choose your neighbors.

    For neighbors, you are looking for two skinny women. Preferably attractive ones, because attractive women are more likely to be suspicious of your choice of seat. As you sit down in the unoccupied middle seat, you give your new neighbors a little bit of a greasy leer. Not much, not over done, just a quick once over with the eyes that says to them, "watch out…this guy is a creep."

    Your neighbors will smash over to the far sides of their own seats and leave you alone for THE ENTIRE FLIGHT. You have as much elbow room and knee room as you desire, and you can be a perfect gentleman for the rest of the flight…but you won’t have to talk to anyone, and you’ll have more room than you can ever have. About 30% of the time, you’ll even get an exit row or a front row seat (bonus!), and about 10% of the time you won’t be able to find a seat with skinny people to sit next to. But overall, it’s a great system.

    OH, yeah. It requires that you travel with a carryon that you can comfortably fit under the seat in front of you. I guess that’s the biggest catch.

    I bequeth my system to you all.

    PS. I thought The Fountainhead was boring, but reading Atlas Shrugged (which I’m currently still trying to struggle through) is like reading a neocon’s wet dream. Ick.

  84. 84.

    CIRCVS MAXIMVS MMVIII

    November 24, 2008 at 6:37 pm

    @Trollhattan:

    Stranded in Iowa
    Stranded in Iowa
    Better get the Breakdown squad out
    Get me rolling on
    ‘Cause I can’t keep my thoughts out of sight
    Better get the Breakdown squad out
    Get me rolling on
    ‘Cause I need to feel the stars sleep by at night
    I’m stranded all night, stranded all right

    Stranded in Iowa
    Stranded in Iowa
    Better get the Breakdown squad out
    Get me rolling on
    ‘Cause I can’t keep my thoughts out of sight
    Better get the Breakdown squad out
    Get me rolling on
    ‘Cause I need to feel the stars sleep by at night
    I’m stranded all night, stranded all right

    Mayday, this is Echo Hotel
    Mayday, this is Echo Hotel
    Mayday, this is Echo Hotel
    Hotel Echo, this is Mike November
    I can hear your call
    Mayday, this is Echo Hotel
    Mayday, this is Echo Hotel
    Hotel Echo, this is Charlie Delta
    I can feel the fear
    Mayday, this is Echo Hotel
    [repeat to fade]

    Stranded in Iowa
    Stranded in Iowa
    Better get the Breakdown squad out
    Get me rolling on
    ‘Cause I can’t keep my thoughts out of sight
    Better get the Breakdown squad out
    Get me rolling on
    ‘Cause I need to feel the stars sleep by at night
    Better get the Breakdown squad out
    Get me rolling on
    ‘Cause I can’t keep my thoughts out of sight
    Better get the Breakdown squad out
    Get me rolling on
    ‘Cause I need to feel the stars sleep by at night
    I’m stranded all night, stranded all right

    Mayday, this is Echo Hotel
    [repeat to fade]

    Link to free audio on Rhapsody

    Sorry, it’s not available on Youtube.

  85. 85.

    TheAssInTheHatOnMyCat(Formerly Comrade Tax Analyst)

    November 24, 2008 at 6:47 pm

    I’ve never liked flying, and the last time I did fly it was a totally miserable experience, although I must say it was quite a bit better than John Cole’s recent flight. Actually, the worst part was the several hours I had to wait before we could even board the plane…the Santa Rosa airport was having some stupid-ass "Air Show" that afternoon, and while it was going on none of the commercial flights could depart or arrive. It ran 2 or 3 hours over the time they had allotted to it. The noise from their flight antics was ear-shattering. However, when I finally DID get on the plane I got a break; somehow I managed to get the only seat on the whole plane that did not have anyone in the seat next to it! And possibly because of the totally malicious vibes I was giving off, not even the flight attendents would sit next to me. Meanwhile, right behind me we two poor fellows who were each well over 6’5" and perhaps 250-260 pounds. I know that had to be really suffering, but what I found amazing was how totally docile they were about it. Commiserating with each other rather good-naturedly. While I was hardly comfortable I was able to sit sideways in the window seat and had my feet propped up over the armrest since no one was on the other side of it. All I had to deal with was the booming headache and ringing in my ears from that stupid-assed Airshow. But hey, my hearing returned to almost normal within 3 or 4 days. By "normal" I mean, "kind of crappy" because I don’t hear all that well in the first place anymore.

    I’ll never fly again if I can possibly help it.

  86. 86.

    Calouste

    November 24, 2008 at 6:56 pm

    seatguru has very relevant information about airline seats and seatpitches.

    Oh, and WordPress sucks. It could at least warn me there was something wrong with my URL instead of just gobbling up the whole post.

  87. 87.

    mrsmarks

    November 24, 2008 at 7:32 pm

    I wouldn’t worry about the guy with Atlas Shrugged. There’s a myth out there that everyone who reads it falls under Ayn Rand’s spell.

    Many years ago as a 20-year-old a picked up the book with great expectations, having heard it was a life-altering text.

    My opinion in the early going was "wow!" By the time I got to the end I had concluded they were all assholes, every last one of them.

  88. 88.

    charlotte

    November 24, 2008 at 7:37 pm

    Do give Wall-E another shot. Great movie.

  89. 89.

    Grumpy Code Monkey

    November 25, 2008 at 10:22 am

    @Tymannosourus:

    I think over Iowa, I contemplated suicide for the first time in my life

    Iowa has that effect.

    I took a sysadmin class back in the early ’90s, and when we were going around the room introducing ourselves, one of the students said he was from Dayton, OH, "where suicide is redundant."

  90. 90.

    Grumpy Code Monkey

    November 25, 2008 at 10:27 am

    @charlotte:

    We got the super-deluxe Blu-Ray edition of Wall-E last night; every bit as excellent as I remembered. Of course, the "Presto!" short is worth the price of admission alone, and the new "Burn-E" short is pretty good too.

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