Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

fuckem (in honor of the late great efgoldman)

Their freedom requires your slavery.

The GOP couldn’t organize an orgy in a whorehouse with a fist full of 50s.

… pundit janitors mopping up after the GOP

A thin legal pretext to veneer over their personal religious and political desires

I know this must be bad for Joe Biden, I just don’t know how.

Perhaps you mistook them for somebody who gives a damn.

Optimism opens the door to great things.

I’d try pessimism, but it probably wouldn’t work.

Fuck the extremist election deniers. What’s money for if not for keeping them out of office?

No offense, but this thread hasn’t been about you for quite a while.

Putting aside our relentless self-interest because the moral imperative is crystal clear.

Some judge needs to shut this circus down soon.

… riddled with inexplicable and elementary errors of law and fact

Just because you believe it, that doesn’t make it true.

Fuck these fucking interesting times.

Republicans are radicals, not conservatives.

Infrastructure week. at last.

Come on, media. you have one job. start doing it.

A lot of Dems talk about what the media tells them to talk about. Not helpful.

A snarling mass of vitriolic jackals

The revolution will be supervised.

Republican obstruction dressed up as bipartisanship. Again.

The poor and middle-class pay taxes, the rich pay accountants, the wealthy pay politicians.

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Reader Interactions

140Comments

  1. 1.

    J.

    Who knew? (Never was a big "Seinfeld" fan.)

    Grievances? Yeah, I got grievances.

    1. Let’s ditch all the holiday (aka Christmas/Hanukkah) stress by making a pledge to not give in to all the consumerism/materialism that has usurped what should be a time to reflect, relax, and spend some quality time with family and friends.

    2. New coaching for the Jets (Bill Cowher?) — and a new quarterback (Matt Cassel? Tim Tebow?). And okay, throw in some receivers.

    3. Enough about Rick Warren already. Not my choice (and wish Obama had picked someone else), but I don’t have to worry about a bunch of Evangelicals breathing down my neck or getting reelected. It was a bad choice (IMHO), but what’s done is done. No mas. Better to judge Obama (talk about Joe Six Pack!) by his actions when he is actually president, not by a three-minute speech.

    4. More people should wash their hands (or use hand sanitizer), so they wouldn’t get the rest of us sick.

    And that should do it.

    Wishing all a festive Festivus. Peace.

  2. 2.

    Dave

    I know you love Pajama Media and their support, John. But I am sick and tired of seeing Michelle Malkin’s face 30 times a day when I come to visit. And now they have Joe the Fucking Plumber on there. Jesus wept.
     
    I’m also annoyed by all these conservatives who are now saying Obama is this wonderfully moderate guy. Not a month ago they were calling him a gay Muslim terrorist. I know they are intellectually bankrupt, but they could at least pretend to have standards.
     
    And then there is Mark Steyn living in New Hampshire and acting like he is this rugged individualist. The jackass was born in Canada and raised in the UK. And he wrote reviews for musical theater, a profession just slightly higher on the "rugged scale" than Bush’s stint as a male cheerleader at Andover and Yale. I was born in New Hampshire and would appreciate it if Steyn would quit acting like he was too.

  3. 3.

    pharniel

    My feat of strenght is driving to Chicago from Detroit. Tonight. WHEEE.
    let’s see those new tires pay off!

  4. 4.

    greynoldsct00

    "1. Let’s ditch all the holiday (aka Christmas/Hanukkah) stress by making a pledge to not give in to all the consumerism/materialism that has usurped what should be a time to reflect, relax, and spend some quality time with family and friends"

    Exactly!! No one has their eye on the ball anymore…and as part of this, holiday TRAFFIC!

    And PS, Blockquotes!

  5. 5.

    cleek

    4. More people should wash their hands (or use hand sanitizer), so they wouldn’t get the rest of us sick.

    more people should stay home if they’re sick.

  6. 6.

    Keith

    Speaking of Joe the Plumber, why does every picture seem to be taken looking up at him looking up to the heavens? Talk about being The One. And someone get that man a new shirt; I haven’t seen someone overwear a shirt so fast since Billy Corgan.

  7. 7.

    DJShay

    People should be considerate of other people’s feelings and acknowledge that they received a Christmas present from their coworker who spent a LOT of time and a LOT of money scrounging up obscure candy from the 60s and 70s to make nostalgic gift bags for everyone. Instead of just opening the present and returning to their work and ignoring the person who gave it to them without a thank you or anything. Ungrateful, soulless trolls. /grievance

  8. 8.

    Juan del Llano

    Stop crying and fight your father.

    Most excellent advice, to which I can only add, "and hang up on your mother" (nicely but firmly, of course). If that doesn’t work, there’s always the odd abandoned mine shaft. Actually, I could have used a genetic fuse that detonates older DNA, but most of the criminals are gone now. Life is better.

    As for grievances, the stupid cat (behaving very badly) has decided to start eating again and refuses to die. It’s a perfect time, too, since all I have to do is toss his wretched carcass into a snowdrift and worry about it in the spring. Oh yeah, that’s another thing: the snow. It was fun when I was six years old. And Rick Warren? I don’t give a fart about Rick Warren or any other preacher. They’re all knaves and fools, and their teeth are too shiny. Why do we have an "invocation" at the inaugural, anyway? They do the same thing before football games in Texas and I thought that sucked, too.

    Meanwhile, there’s too much snow (and 70 mph winds) in northern New Mexico, and I can’t get no posole and bizcochitos. Feliz Navidad, y’all.

  10. 10.

    Ripley

    Happy Festivus!

    Um, I don’t see the PJTV ads. I’m not sure that’s a real grievance, though.

    I can’t shake this cold.

    I’m out of orange juice.

    Dick Cheney still walks the Earth.

  13. 13.

    Church Lady

    Given the blessedly inclement weather, I no longer have grievences to air, only happy feet getting ready to go to the grocery store to buy the food I will cook and then eat with my husband and children, at my own table for the first time in twenty three years. Happy, happy, happy.

    To one and all at Balloon Juice, I wish only the happiest of holidays of your choice of name and a New Year filled with the promise of a better life for all.

  15. 15.

    The Left

    This may not sound like a grievance, but the left hand Pajamas column (it cannot be said enough) really has a stunning menagerie of irrelevant reactionary dickwads.

    OK, it’s a grievance. I’m looking for worthy archenemies, and you give me the equivalent of the pointy aliens Emory and Oglethorpe from Aqua Teen Hunger Force:

    Oglethrope: We are on top secret mission of world domination!

    Frylock: World domination? You guys couldn’t take over a damn bowl of Jell-o.

    Emory: Is that like.. an important place or something?

    Oglethrope: Where is it?!

    (sound file here)

  18. 18.

    DJShay

    @Dave

    Hellz yeah!! Along with those wax soda bottles with the colored liquid inside. And Fizzies drink mixes and bottle caps and a whole bunch of other stuff. Squirrel nut zippers, mary janes, fruit stripe gum, root beer barrels. See if they get a gift next year. Harumph.

  22. 22.

    Zifnab

    John Cole, your site crashed entirely too much this year. The fact that you’ve improved it is no excuse for the torment we were forced to experience during the height of the campaign season (as climaxed here).

    You should be ashamed of yourself and your family should be ashamed of you for launching such a haphazard and reckless website with complete disregard to the feelings of your loyal visitors who hate you.

  23. 23.

    Shinobi

    What Zinfab said.

    Also, John didn’t post my puppy picture, and it saddened me greatly to think that he is not cute enough for Balloon Juice. I’d send pictures of my cats as they are clearly the favored creatures here, but their egos are big enough as it is.

    Otherwise I have no grievances here, except that I had to read this site for years while it was spewing republican nonsense before it got good. But that is an old grievance, and hardly worth mentioning.

  24. 24.

    ThymeZoneThePlumber

    No one has any grievances with each other? Interesting.

    DougJ refuses to instruct me as to how to pay off the bet I lost to him.

    Demi won’t admit that he is a nun.

    All these years and Cassidy has never sent me a Festivus card.

    Perry Como never actually caught a falling star. Don’t listen to him.

  25. 25.

    Laura W

    1) I demand a public service campaign to teach NC drivers how to make a god damned left turn in busy traffic. When our light turns green, MOVE UP INTO the intersection. Do not sit behind the crosswalk and wait for an opening. If you can not make your own opening, at least MOVE UP INTO the intersection so that the person glaring a hole into the back of your head (that would be me) can also MOVE UP INTO the intersection. This way, when the light turns yellow, we can both turn left! Trust me…there is plenty of time for two cars to turn left on the yellow provided the first car MOVE UP INTO the intersection.

    2) People need to stop asking me: "Don’t you ever answer your phone?"
    No. I hate the phone, I resent the phone, I wish the phone was dead.
    Nearly 30 years ago I bought my first answering machine and have never looked back. Now that I finally acquiesced to voice mail when I moved here, I never have to see the flashing red light or hear the click of the machine, alerting me to a waiting message. I might check voice mail a few times/day, depending upon my mood.
    If you need to speak with me on the phone you must email me to set a phone appointment. If you are late for our appt, I will turn the ringer back off. Punctuality counts!
    If I can’t email you, you ain’t gonna hear from me.
    (My cell phone is not for talking with you. It is only for road emergencies. The ringer is never on, so don’t ask.)

    Phew. What a nice purge.

  26. 26.

    Athenae

    Fuck people who live in mansions and don’t shovel.

    Fuck the snow on the one day a week I have to drive.

    Fuck this bad mood that WILL NOT GO AWAY.

    A.

  27. 27.

    DJShay

    @Laura W

    I like your style!

    If you need to speak with me on the phone you must email me to set a phone appointment. If you are late for our appt, I will turn the ringer back off. Punctuality counts!
    If I can’t email you, you ain’t gonna hear from me.
    (My cell phone is not for talking with you. It is only for road emergencies. The ringer is never on, so don’t ask.)

  29. 29.

    Splitting Image

    Grievances?

    Well, there’s the pinhead Prime Minister who promised to have any Supreme Court appointments confirmed by Parliament, who then sent Parliament on vacation for seven weeks to avoid a vote that would have defeated him and appointed a Supreme Court judge while they were away.

    Then there are the 18 Senators he appointed after promising not to appoint any that weren’t first elected.

    Then there’s the American chimpanzee the pinhead is doing his best to emulate, but he’ll be gone in a month so I don’t have any grievances towards him other than his legacy of lies, torture, spying, graft, religious intolerance, and environmental devastation.

    Then there’s HMV, who notified me that they had shipped a Laurel and Hardy DVD set that I ordered from overseas, and then cancelled the order and refunded my money without telling me, so I only found out when my credit card bill came in some weeks later.

    Damn the bastards.

  30. 30.

    srv

    4. More people should wash their hands (or use hand sanitizer), so they wouldn’t get the rest of us sick.

    You heard the story of the first time Obama visited the White House? Bush shook his hand and then turned to an aide who carries hand sanitizer around with him. He did ask Obama if he wanted a squirt also. Always the perfect gentleman.

    No one has any grievances with each other? Interesting.

    I miss Al Maviva and BIRDZILLA

    And that wanker Pooh, he’s no longer around to crap on.

    And blockquotes. WTF is up with that? I guess it’s one of those nuances we’ll just have to tolerate, like the archives.

  31. 31.

    SGEW

    Happy Festivus! Time to whip out the totally unreasonable grievances, round the ol’ Aluminum (or, for you Brits, Aluminium*) pole. Huzzah!

    – Festivus Grievance the First: Mr. Cole, you are too quick to cast aspersions on your commenters’ intelligence. I acknowledge that ’tis part of thy well-rounded personality (and, let’s face it, attraction of this blog) but it can be a bit much sometimes (see, e.g., Zifnab’s link to the update kerfuffle, above). Save the unleavened (and uncalled for) vitriol for those who deserve it.

    – Festivus Grievance the Second: The spam filter here is preposterous! It’s like some secret random code made by fifth graders that we have to try and outsmart. It confounds me!** I only hope that it actually works, and filters out literally quadrillions of spam messages every day – otherwise it should be abandoned, forthwith.

    – Festivus Grievance the Third: The spoof trolls here (I’m looking at you, Atanjurat) are lamentably poor. Full of Suck. Up your game, folks.

    – Festivus Grievance the Forth: U NVR POSTD MAI KITTEH PIC!11!ONEELVEVEN!

    Thus concludes my Festivus Grievances. Next, the feats of strength!

    *Weirdos.
    **Disclaimer: I acknowledge that this may cancel out Grievance the First, and vice-versa.

  32. 32.

    Gary Net

    Speaking of PJ media’s irritating ads I can’t be the only one bothered by the one at the top. You know the one with the riverboat and the

    "Sending the mainstream media down the river…"

    I mean what does that even mean? First of all isn’t the correct idiom "selling down the river" and isn’t that usually something you don’t want to be accused of? I can’t decide if it is just a complete non-sequitur or has some weird dog-whistle subtext.

    Maybe it’s just me, but that one bothers me way more than the idiotic pictures of malkin or reynolds.

  33. 33.

    Edmund Dantes

    I wish people would stop overusing hand sanitizers, anti-bacterial sprays, anti-biotics, anti-bacterial anything, etc so there wouldn’t be as many super bugs out there.

  34. 34.

    SGEW

    (additional thought)

    My memories of Seinfeld are much, much funnier (to me) than the actual original broadcast.

    True Fact About SGEW: I stopped watching television when Seinfeld ended.

  35. 35.

    J.

    @cleek (#5): That too.

    @srv (#30): Love the story. (I’d have at least waited until we ate, but whatever.) And does W. ever get sick? I rest my case.

    And yeah, what’s up with not posting our pet pics?!

    And no comments re my Jets comment? Including use of the words "Bill Cowher"? Sheesh.

  36. 36.

    Genine

    J. Michael Neal

    No one has any grievances with each other? Interesting.

    Fuck you.

    Ahh… the love.

    Anyway, DjShay, that gift sounded great! Maybe they’ll give you a thank you card or something.

    Happy Holidays to everyone at Balloon Juice! I wish everyone joy, peace, happiness and a wonderful New Year!

  37. 37.

    gnomedad

    I wish people would stop overusing hand sanitizers, anti-bacterial sprays, anti-biotics, anti-bacterial anything, etc so there wouldn’t be as many super bugs out there.

    I think alcohol-based hand sanitizers are a net plus as they are not strain-selective, but "anti-bacterial" soaps are discouraged in favor of plain old soap plus patient scrubbing. I’ll try to find a reference and get back to ya.

  38. 38.

    The Other Steve

    I am terribly grieved that John Cole never posted my damn pet pictures. Because of this, I have created all new pet pictures which are much cuter and will be sending them forthwith.

    I hate ThymeZone, but I miss Darrell. How weird is that?

    I hate telephones too. Please stop calling me. I don’t want to talk to you.

    I am tired of snow. It’s snowed or been shitty just about every day this past week. This has resulted in extended travel times that annoy me. Please God, bring about Global Warming so that this winter will vex me no longer.

  39. 39.

    Adam

    1) The democratic party’s collective inability, as recently exemplified by the gays, to not be constantly affronted and shut its trap and get behind a leader, especially a leader with a track record of brilliant strategic thinking and being on the right side of issues, and tendency instead to value ideological purity like Indiana Jones prizes that golden idol statue at the beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

    2) USAir for sucking dick at being an airline.

    3) The cold I have for being great at being a cold.

  40. 40.

    gnomedad

    Update: the Mayo Clinic sez:

    Alcohol-based hand sanitizers — which don’t require water — are an excellent alternative to hand washing, particularly when soap and water aren’t available. They’re actually more effective than soap and water in killing bacteria and viruses that cause disease. Commercially prepared hand sanitizers contain ingredients that help prevent skin dryness. Using these products can result in less skin dryness and irritation than hand washing.

    Not all hand sanitizers are created equal, though. Some "waterless" hand sanitizers don’t contain alcohol. Use only the alcohol-based products. The CDC recommends choosing products that contain at least 60 percent alcohol.

    Grievance: the trope "all X are not created equal."

  42. 42.

    TenguPhule

    the CDC recommends choosing products that contain at least 60 percent alcohol.

    Vodka, the new soap!

  43. 43.

    TenguPhule

    Airing of Grievances

    Anyone who voted for Bush twice should either pay a fine of $10,000 to the IRS or do 10 years of hard labor.

    Anyone who voted for McCain and Palin should have their taxes raised to 50% of net and be given food stamps.

    All TV Conservative Pundits should be flogged until their intelligence improves.

  46. 46.

    Adam

    Almost forgot

    4) Music critics in general, but especially guys like Sasha Frere-Jones, whose stock-in-trade is this bullshit relativist academic take on the music industry, wherein everything is completely cyclical and equivalent, and anyone who doesn’t think Jay-Z is the new Beatles or Rihanna is the new Dusty Springfield or whatever, obviously is just closed-minded or even slightly racist.

  48. 48.

    blogenfreude

    @Edmund Dantes: Like George Carlin said – let nature do its job and eliminate the weak. The kid who swallows too many marbles doesn’t get to have kids of his own.

    My Grievance? To New York City tourists: Learn how to walk in the fucking city. Sidewalks are not for standing around – people here have shit to do. Herds of cornfed Midwesterners clog the sidewalks looking around like they’ve never seen a hot dog cart before. If you want to stand around and point at the Chrysler Building, don’t stand in the middle of the sidewalk!

    And you can skip the Christmas extravaganza at Radio City – it blows.

  49. 49.

    Polsih the Guillotines

    @John Cole:

    No one has any grievances with each other? Interesting.

    All right, then. Where’s my damn cat, Cole? I sent that picture on DAY ONE of the site facelift when you called for pet photos.

    WHY DO YOU HATE MY CAT!?1!1!!

  51. 51.

    AhabTRuler

    Anyone who stops in the middle of anything – the sidewalk, an aisle, the stairs or escalator of your transit option of choice – to answer their goddamn cellphone should be pilloried.
    The cellphone drivers, OTOH, should just be summarily shot.

  53. 53.

    Polish the Guillotines

    Here’s a grievance with the "press" and the "media" and the so-called "blogosphere":

    Can we dispense with tacking "-gate" onto every scandal? "Watergate" is the name of a place. For the love of Festivus, can’t we come up with new and creative scandal names?

  56. 56.

    TenguPhule

    Why should "queue" get all those extra letters?

    Because the Universe is a dark and cruel place.

  57. 57.

    Cyrus

    @TenguPhule:

    Take a number and get in the queue.

    Grievance: people who speak Canadian or British English. If TenguPhule is actually American then I guess I’m way off-base here, but I haven’t seen the word "queue" used in this context since I rented the H2G2 movie.

  58. 58.

    MikeJ

    If TenguPhule is actually American then I guess I’m way off-base here, but I haven’t seen the word "queue" used in this context since I rented the H2G2 movie.

    Not a Netflix member, I’d guess.

  59. 59.

    MMM

    My grievance of the year:

    The superiors in my organization behave incompetently and/or unethically before acting cowardly and the outcome is that my time spending paperwork has increased 300%. Thanks.

  61. 61.

    Blue Raven

    1) This economy has led to my getting a pay cut for New Year’s. I want to disinter Reagan to put his head on a pike over a sign reading, "Worse off than you were four years ago? Well…"

    2) Bad Olympics coverage. I miss Jim McKay SO much.

    3) Mob mentality, whether on my end of the political spectrum or the other.

    4) SF drivers. Red lights are not mere guidelines, people. This goes double for SF pedestrians and bicyclists. Oh, speaking of bicyclists, Critical Mass needs to get the Festivus pole out of its collective ass and give the rest of us a break.

  62. 62.

    canuckistani

    Can I bitch about my aunt who keeps sending me "keep the christ in christmas" and "he’s the reason for the season" spam? If Dr. Seuss can shut up about Jeebus, so can she. And as long as I have the podium, don’t people know that solstice celebrations predate christianity by millenia?
    Thanks, I feel better now.

  64. 64.

    JL

    My grievance is that Sarah Palin caused the government tons of money protecting Obama because of her hate speech. I heard a second hand , (not third) about possible problems on election day because of Sarah’s real american friends. I want to know how much of my taxpayer money was used to protect the true Patriots because of her. Ask yourself why she toned down her "palling around with terrorists" comment. The answer is not because she all of a sudden became the type of person who cares about our country.
    Now I’m angry again so time to turn on meditation sounds.

  65. 65.

    MikeJ

    The superiors in my organization behave incompetently and/or unethically before acting cowardly and the outcome is that my time spending paperwork has increased 300%.

    I haven’t been in those offices in a few years, since they built the "new" (not really anymore) building. Isn’t most of the action in Chicago these days anyway?

  67. 67.

    TenguPhule

    1) This economy has led to my getting a pay cut for New Year’s. I want to disinter Reagan to put his head on a pike over a sign reading, "Worse off than you were four years ago? Well…"

    Starting with Nixon, I want every Republican official disinterred and dumped at sea for the sharks. Then the living ones to be thrown in after them.

    And then have it broadcast on PPV.

  68. 68.

    ChrisB

    @TenguPhule: Pay a fine for voting twice for Bush? Lets them off way too easy.

    So you’re calling for the death of most TV conservative pundits? Can’t really argue with that.

  69. 69.

    TenguPhule

    And as long as I have the podium, don’t people know that solstice celebrations predate christianity by millenia?

    But they were filthy devil heathen rites, dontcha know!
    /snark

    Bring back the traditional Maypoles!

  73. 73.

    TenguPhule

    So you’re calling for the death of most TV conservative pundits? Can’t really argue with that.

    We can make it a hit tv series: "Learn or DIE"

  74. 74.

    ChrisB

    @MikeJ: Nor did Cyrus apparently complete the crossword puzzle in Saturday’s NY Times, where "netflixqueue" was one of the answers.

  75. 75.

    Montysano (All Hail Marx & Lennon)

    No one has any grievances with each other? Interesting.

    Atanjurat has discontinued the ending each post with "Country First". This is a slap in the face to the larger spoof posting community.

    Outside of BJ? Well, everyone who lines up at 4:00 AM to stampede into a Walmart should be rounded up and sent to reeducation camps.

  76. 76.

    ThatLeftTurnInABQ

    [Sorry if this is old news] a lot of people are wearing their grievances on their feet this year:
    ‘Bush Shoe’ Is Bonanza For Turkish Cobbler

    The owner of the Istanbul-based Baydan Shoe Company said he had to hire 100 extra workers to cope with the "huge" increase in demand for model 271. "People are calling from all over the world to order this shoe I designed a decade ago. We have so far 370,000 new orders from Europe, the Middle East and the United States compared to only 40,000 orders of this particular model in December last year," Baydan told Forbes.com

  78. 78.

    JL

    Another grievance

    Outside of BJ? Well, everyone who lines up at 4:00 AM to stampede into a Walmart should be rounded up and sent to reeducation camps

    Anyone who shops at Walmart with their horrible employee abuses should be rounded up and sent to reeducation camps. I’m tired of those who thing we should pay Americans less.

  79. 79.

    srv

    @TheHatOnMyCat:

    Not that weird. I was Darrell, and I agree with you.

    I still think there were two of you. You were the brutish one, and someone else was the more erudite one.

  82. 82.

    Perry Como

    That not enough people are angry at the blatant looting that is occurring at the end of the Bush administration. $8.5 trillion and counting with absolutely no accountability.

  83. 83.

    Zifnab

    @harlana pepper:

    Grievance: Is it Reagan Week on CSPAN or something? Shoot me now.

    Every week is Reagan Week when you’re talking to a conservative. I think this is a corollary to the old saw, "It’s five o’clock somewhere" and indicates a similar inclination towards drinking heavily.

  84. 84.

    Stooleo

    Not being one to condone violence, but since it is Festivus, would it be okay if an angry mob strung Bernie Madoff up on the nearest light post? While were doing it how about Lloyd Blankfein and John Thain as well. Will these greedy bastards get it if they see a few of their own, dead in the streets?

  86. 86.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    Let me tell ya what’s been bugging me, other than my railroad-christmas village Christmas display: the whiny fucking commenters, that’s what. He said something mean.. She was rude to me.. They said a bad word.. Some anonymous someone on the intertoobz said something I find objectionable..

    Grow the fuck up, morans. This ain’t k-fucking-5. Some of us may use bad words or occasionally express ourselves in an unbecoming manner but that pales in comparison to the resentment, arrogance and entitlement you ooze out of every pore when you deign to enlighten us with your putrid musings.

    Or, in other words, fuck you Church Lady!

  89. 89.

    Original Lee

    1. There only about 3 channels out of the hundreds I pay for that I can watch for any length of time on any given night, because huge swaths of bandwidth are devoted to people shouting at each other, talking over each other, or just generally being extremely rude in addition to being stupid. If I have to pay for cable to be able to watch any TV at all (I can’t get satellite TV because of interference from the airport), then by God I should be able to find more than one program at any time that makes it worth the electricity to power the set, and I shouldn’t have to buy TiVo in order to accomplish this.

    2. People who walk in the street despite the existence of a perfectly good sidewalk should be ticketed for jaywalking. They should be fined extra if they are wearing dark, nonreflective clothing.

    3. People who order items from children forced to raise money to buy essential equipment for their schools and who pay for these items with checks that they know will bounce should be hung by their toenails in the school cafeteria for Mystery Meat target practice.

  91. 91.

    robertdsc

    My grievance, aside from the two I mentioned yesterday:

    Barack Obama is a nice guy:

    But half-way through his 18 holes, as he stopped by the snack bar, he unexpectedly bumped into the pool sitting outside the club house. Asked how his game was going, he smiled and conceded: "I’m not that good."

    He chatted for a moment, telling the pool to have a beer and put it on his tab. No one took him up on the offer.

    As for Mr. Obama and his group, a snack bar clerk later confirmed that he purchased two hot dogs, two spam musubi, two passion orange sodas, one Powerade and one coke, for a tab of $17.75. The spam musubi, a local luncheon specialty, consists of spam and a fried egg on a bed of rice, all held together with a dried seaweed wrap. (Visualize a very big sushi role, slightly larger than a Hostess Ho Ho.)

    Stop it, Mr. President-Elect. You’re tarnishing the office!

    Oh, and one more thing: MOAR TUNCH PIX PLZ!

  92. 92.

    Perry Como

    @Stooleo: I thought the country was being covered in a snow storm, but it turns out to be all the bird shit from the massive flock of black swans flying overhead.

  94. 94.

    TheHatOnMyCat

    huge swaths of bandwidth are devoted to people shouting at each other, talking over each other, or just generally being extremely rude in addition to being stupid.

    My family has its own show?

  96. 96.

    iluvsummr

    Grievances:

    1. All y’all post too much and I can’t keep up.

    2. Anyone over the age of seven who’s expecting a present from me & dropping hints about the crappy shit they got me (grow up already, all you’re getting from me this year is a warm, appreciative smile, and I hate to smile, so thank me for the effort).

    3. Anyone under five foot five that drives a large SUV is a road-rage incident waiting to happen and needs a valium drip.

    4. Investment wankers …erm.. bankers

    Reasons I can’t stay mad at the world for too long:

    1. Paul Farmer

    2. Full spectrum lightboxes

    3. I don’t have to deal with New England winters ever again

  97. 97.

    The Other Steve

    Not that weird. I was Darrell, and I agree with you.

    That’s impossible, since I am Darrell.

  98. 98.

    Aristides

    People need to stop asking me: "Don’t you ever answer your phone?"
    No. I hate the phone, I resent the phone, I wish the phone was dead.

    PREACH IT SISTER. Through long years of training most, but not all, of my friends and family have learned that if they don’t want to actually talk to me, the best way to try and contact me is by phone. I HATE talking on the phone. Because I am an incompetent multi-tasker, it forces me to sit down perfectly still in a quiet room and intently listen to whatever the person I’m talking to is trying to tell me. I HAVE NO TIME FOR THAT. If you are trying to communicate important but cursory information to me, it is called text or email. If you have something to tell me that will take time or can’t be trusted to text or email, text or email me and I WILL CALL YOU BACK WHEN I HAVE TIME.

    Now, I am on a mission to teach all potential employers and or business contacts that actually calling people is an antiquated, ineffecient and practically uncivilized way of getting in touch with someone. Hint to those who would like my business in the future: if I can’t reach you or order it online or by email, the odds of me buying it from you are about 5%.

  101. 101.

    ThymeZone

    actually calling people is an antiquated, ineffecient and practically uncivilized way of getting in touch with someone.

    Agreed. What I tell people is, I can be reached only by check.

  103. 103.

    Johnny Pez

    Found out today that I’m overdrawn at the bank by four cents, and they’re charging me $39 in fees.

    Starting next week, I’ll be doing all my banking at my mattress.

  105. 105.

    Rosali

    My cat is 15 y.o. and has not been feeling well. She will die of a broken heart if you don’t post her pic.

  106. 106.

    sstarr

    My grievance is with Expedia.com and/or United Airlines.

    Expedia told me I was on flight 742 from Seattle to Denver, leaving at 4:45 p.m.

    United said that I was actually on flight 302 from Seattle to Denver, leaving at 2:00 p.m.

    By the time I got to the airport I was two hours early for the flight I thought I was on, and 45 minutes late for the flight I was actually on.

    United and Expedia got into an argument. United won, by virtue of actually owning the airplanes. I lost.

  108. 108.

    Laura W

    @JL:

    Another grievance that I have is that Laura will never answer my phone calls.

    Take a number and get in the queue.

  109. 109.

    BethanyAnne

    My grievance is folk who won’t answer their freakin phones. Grrr. Not you Laura, actually. :-) My best friend has recently gotten pissy about it – won’t answer them from anyone. Makes me feel like an insurance salesman to have to go through email to find out if he wants to do dinner tonight. >.

  110. 110.

    Laura W

    @BethanyAnne: Are you sure it’s just not that he’s just not that into you?
    ‘Cuz if I am into you (not you, per se, BethanyAnne), I am so answering the phone.
    Provided you’ve emailed to let me know that it will be you on the other end when it rings and I pick up.
    Otherwise, how would I know it was safe to pick up?

  112. 112.

    JL

    @Laura W: Wow.. email first and then call. By the way, did you see Krista’s post earlier today? She responded to your question about being pregnant.
    When is Larry doing the strength post? I’ve been reading Larry Johnson;s site on and off (mainly off) all day just so I could win the contest.

  113. 113.

    Splitting Image

    Can I just add:

    Canadians who want an elected Senate because they think it will eliminate the obstructionism that goes on there occasionally?

  114. 114.

    Laura W

    @JL:

    By the way, did you see Krista’s post earlier today? She responded to your question about being pregnant.

    I most certainly did! I remember eons ago she stated that she hoped she was not preggers for…um…one of those election milestones we all enjoyed together. So she could drink.

    Since I am the one who noticed her attempt to sneak it into the thread and called her out on it, and for a myriad other reasons I’ve enumerated (ad nauseum) in past threads, I nominate myself for B-J Noticer of the Second Half of the Year (since I think I only started wasting my life here when I Could No Longer Rationally Discuss the Clintons.)

  115. 115.

    ninerdave

    @Blue Raven:

    SF drivers. Red lights are not mere guidelines, people. This goes double for SF pedestrians and bicyclists. Oh, speaking of bicyclists, Critical Mass needs to get the Festivus pole out of its collective ass and give the rest of us a break.

    You are my new best friend. SF drivers are idiots, as are pedestrians and especially cyclists. However Critical Mass, is in a whole other league of idiocy.

  116. 116.

    The Moar You Know

    Critical Mass needs to get the Festivus pole out of its collective ass and give the rest of us a break.

    You have offended me and this is a slap in the face and this party is hateful and bigoted towards my people and all of you are phonies and cowards and should die in a fire AND NEXT TIME IEM VOTING FOR NADAR FUCK THIS SYTEM OF CRUELTY AND INJUSTICE.

    Kidding, but while we’re at it, I know SF Critical Mass is a pain in the ass for drivers (I rode in it every month from 1995-2000) but too bad, so sad, we have a legal right of way to use the roads and if you fuck up and run one of us over it is A SHITLOAD OF PAPERWORK AND LAWSUITS for the rest of your miserable, bike-hating life, so we bikers are full of win and your car-driving brain-dead drone tools of the system are full of fail.

  118. 118.

    YellowJournalism

    Thrifty Car Rental sucks. Fuck them for giving us a rental with bald tires during some of the worst winter weather seen in these parts in years. Now we’re stuck with a rental car we can’t use because it’s stuck at the bottom of my parents’ driveway. We would have been able to get up the driveway just fine with the front-wheel drive if they’d just done a simple tire rotation. And I came into edit just to say triple fuck you to them and their so-called customer service line for making us call four fucking times, telling us that the managers were "in a meeting" for the last four hours, so no one can give us an answer about what to do with the damn car.

    A giant middle finger to co-workers, family, and friends who do not appreciate unique, thoughtful gifts such as the old-school candy bag described above. I’ve been there and have a growing list of family and friends who look at such gifts as if you’d handed them a bag of poo, if only because they expect some expensive piece of crap (not that you didn’t spend money on the gift you gave them) or a gift card to go buy more shit they won’t use.

    Fuck you to Balloon Juice for having interesting, fun posts while I’m busy or can’t respond, which more often than I’d like it to be as of late. Double fuck you for me not having enough time to send cute pictures of my precious pup.

    Fuck my luck for something always happening when I stay at my parents’ house that keeps me from visiting people or doing fun things. This year it’s the snow and the damn car rental debacle. Last spring it was me spraining my ankle, getting sick, and having two family members in the hospital.

    Fuck parents who send their kids to school sick. (This excludes parents who have jobs that won’t let them take time off. Fuck their bosses.) I hate seeing little children in public places, obviously too sick to be out, being dragged around for the convenience of the adults in charge. Even worse, these kids get perfectly healthy children sick as well.

    And a final fuck you to the Western Washington weather for being bad enough that they closed school when for years I prayed for that to happen and it rarely did. Now when I can’t enjoy it, it happens. Screw you, Jack Frost.

  119. 119.

    JL

    @YellowJournalism: If I were the King of Balloon Juice, I would present you with a prize for that post. Not sure what the prize would be but it would definitely be some type of ribbon and lots of alcohol. Of course, I’m not king or queen of anything so instead Merry Christmas!

  120. 120.

    BethanyAnne

    @The Moar You Know: And you don’t have any right to break any traffic rules. Period.

    Every Critical Mass rider breaking any traffic rule should be ticketed. If they cannot provide identification for the citation, they should be jailed.

    Or are laws just for the other people?

  121. 121.

    BethanyAnne

    My serious question about Critical Mass is what does victory look like?

    When folk sat in at lunch counters, victory was being allowed to use the same places as white folk. When folk marched against H8, victory is being allowed to marry like straight folk. What is "victory" to a Masshole? As low an accident rate as anyone in a car? Repealing stupidity? Repealing physics? Bike lanes everywhere in SF?

    Seriously – what is victory? Or is it just an excuse to beat up on drivers who may or may not be the same ones that pissed you off?

  122. 122.

    SGEW

    My serious question about Critical Mass is what does victory look like?

    Victory would be the streets looking like Critical Mass every day. In other words, Southern China circa 1960.

  123. 123.

    jon

    When the hell did rap music turn into a fucking middle school girls’ bathroom? Can’t any rapper rap on his own anymore? It’s as if they’re afraid someone will get a hit and have all the credit, so there’s the rapper, a featured rapper, a special guest rapper, and some random guy pulled off the street to provide a growl or two just so everybody gets a turn. Dude has a blinged-up grill, an inability to buy pants in the right size, and a ticket to stardom just because he delivered a pizza to some studio on a certain day. What happened to the good old days of white people’s music where a musician had to provide at least a borderline-tremendous hummer to score a recording contract?

  124. 124.

    BethanyAnne

    And my grievance for the day: folk that do not pick up after their dogs. *Especially* folk who leave dog poo in motorcycle parking areas. Special circle of Hell for those people.

  127. 127.

    Laura W

    @Laura W: I neglected to add the most important part of my grievance on the left turn issue as I was racing out of the house to do further on-road research.

    DO NOT SIT BEHIND THE CROSSWALK WHEN THE LIGHT IS GREEN and we are all waiting to turn left. In case I did not make it clear, MOVE UP INTO the intersection. Because if when the light turns green for us to go and you sit in the same place as you were sitting when the light was red and do not MOVE UP INTO the intersection, this pretty much indicates to me that if the stream of traffic does not give you about 98 miles of clearance for you to make your left turn in confidence, you are gonna sit in that same place for a whole ‘nother cycle of red…green…red lights.

    Don’t deny it.
    I have been behind you and I have watched you.
    And wanted to strangle you.
    Except it would reflect poorly on Obama, ‘cuz of my bumper sticker.
    Life’s short peoples….Moooooove!

  128. 128.

    Hyperion

    @Aristides:

    Now, I am on a mission to teach all potential employers and or business contacts that actually calling people is an antiquated, ineffecient and practically uncivilized way of getting in touch with someone.

    This reminds me of an electrician friend who has big credit card balances and so must go to "debtor’s prison in Afghanistan" (his words). He’s been trying to get a job with KBR. It’s all done via the web (or electronically at least). He says they don’t do the phone thang, never answering. So he missed the boat or, more accurately, the flight. They have a list of disqualifying health conditions, including high blood pressure, depression. I guess the availability of meds cannot be insured. I bet applicants are drug-screened. I’m glad he is not going but it IS rather lucrative.

  129. 129.

    AhabTRuler

    Re: Bike/Car/Pedestrian grievance

    I am annoyed that most American cities and local governments are terminally incapable of planning transportation that accounts for the driver, the cyclist, & the pedestrian as equally important constituencies. I mean, the Dutch do it, and they speak five languages and smoke pot. That’s cheating!

  130. 130.

    CIRCVS MAXIMVS MMVIII

    I had only one grievance, I handled it offsite, in email, and it appears the person who the grievance involved is going to improve the behavior that created the grievance in the first place.

    Thank goodness for Festivus (I hope, of course the behavior hasn’t changed yet, but perhaps soon).

  132. 132.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    @CIRCVS MAXIMVS MMVIII:

    I had only one grievance, I handled it offsite, in email, and it appears the person who the grievance involved is going to improve the behavior that created the grievance in the first place.

    Letterman finally admitted he’s your husband?

  133. 133.

    Comrade Darkness

    My grievance is that this grievance will not win the award for best grievance. Oh, that and there won’t even be any award.

  134. 134.

    Comrade Darkness

    @Laura W: Life’s short peoples….Moooooove!

    Or as is often directed from our car to the car ahead: the sign says "Yield" not "Surrender"!

    ——-

    I do have a real grievance, I just remembered. Why aren’t more investment bankers being made into pot pies to feed the poor? I want perp walks and pain, damnit. Turns out we didn’t need an foreign invasion to utterly destroy this country, just morons in positions of power. I want court based accusations of treachery thrown about. I want to hear the lamentations of their women and gay partners. I want *something* other than a freakin’ bailout that leaves their cursed, stinkin’ year-end, artificially inflated bonuses intact. What kind of fuckery is this?? GAH!

  136. 136.

    Roza Hussein

    That I have ingested to much holiday goo and I will have to work
    hard to get rid of it. (I vowed not to do that this year so it is a double
    edged grievance)

  137. 137.

    Lesley

    1) I hate cellphones- they make women driving their fat sea cow of a Minnie Van even more treacherous.
    2) I hate late people or people who suddenly call at the time they’re supposed to meet you to say they are "sick".
    3) I hate people who park their car in the middle of the fucking street to run in side for something when there is a space to pull over (I’m looking at you Baltimore!)
    4) I fucking hate all the overly sensitive people on the left who need everything to fit their prefect whiny needs regarding food, their kids, Obamas’ appointments, whatever. Get over it: the world’s a hard place, people are losing their homes, jobs and starving so STFU.

    Other than that I’m pretty upbeat. Merry fucking Holidays y’all.

  139. 139.

    CIRCVS MAXIMVS MMVIII

    Letterman finally admitted he’s your husband?

    Nah, I want no husband. I merely want someone who is there to have great sex with all the time, why is it so hard to find someone who wants that too? Geesh, the world is so brainwashed.

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