Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Within six months Twitter will be fully self-driving.

I was promised a recession.

Bark louder, little dog.

Republicans do not pay their debts.

Let me eat cake. The rest of you could stand to lose some weight, frankly.

Let there be snark.

I’d like to think you all would remain faithful to me if i ever tried to have some of you killed.

Seems like a complicated subject, have you tried yelling at it?

Republicans can’t even be trusted with their own money.

And we’re all out of bubblegum.

“I never thought they’d lock HIM up,” sobbed a distraught member of the Lock Her Up Party.

It’s always darkest before the other shoe drops.

DeSantis transforms Florida into 1930s Germany with gators and theme parks.

I didn’t have alien invasion on my 2023 BINGO card.

I wonder if trump will be tried as an adult.

Teach a man to fish, and he’ll sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Happy indictment week to all who celebrate!

Don’t expect peaches from an apple tree.

You can’t love your country only when you win.

Republicans are the party of chaos and catastrophe.

American History and Black History Cannot Be Separated

I’m sure you banged some questionable people yourself.

“Cheese and Kraken paired together for the appetizer trial.”

Thanks for reminding me that Van Jones needs to be slapped.

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Reader Interactions

119Comments

  1. 1.

    demimondian

    Before Krack Koven Kiln jumps on your instructions, I take that that you are using "may" in the sense of "might": we may talk about Johns -ottoman- cat, but, then again we may not.

  2. 2.

    Johnny Pez

    I’d just like to take this opportunity to wiggle my buttocks in the general direction of wingnuts everywhere in celebration of Al Franken’s victory.

    Now we’ll see if Harry Reid is man enough to seat Franken in defiance of Mitch McConnell. Based on his track record, I’m not hopeful.

  4. 4.

    southpaw

    I have no quarrel with John’s cat and no wish to make sport of its various humorous attributes. But thank you for the forum in which to do so.

    Does anyone out there believe in Miami’s comeback?

  9. 9.

    Mike

    I challenge the legality of John’s cat adoption and declare it unwelcome in John’s house, even provisionally, unless a supermajority of the posters say otherwise.

  12. 12.

    Laura W

    I am guessing that the Tunchster is not a fan of Ricky Gervais:

    I heard someone on the radio once say that they were tired of the prejudice aimed at the overweight. They said something like "you’re not allowed to make fun of gay people, so why are you allowed to make fun of fat people? It’s the same thing."

    It’s not the same thing though, is it? Gay people are born that way. They didn’t work at becoming gay. Fat people became fat because they would rather be that way than stop eating so much. They had to eat and eat to get fat. Then, when they were fat they had to keep up the eating to stay fat. For gayness to be the same as fatness, gay people would have to start off straight but then ween themselves onto cock. Soon they’re noshing all day getting gayer and gayer. They’ve had more than enough cock… they’re full… they’re just sucking for the sake of it. Now they’re overgay, and frowned upon by people who can have the occasional cock but not over indulge.

    When a doctor tells me that that’s how you become gay, I’ll stop making jokes about fat people.

  14. 14.

    GuyFromOhio

    When a doctor tells me that that’s how you become gay, I’ll stop making jokes about fat people.

    When this idiot gets his ass beat by a lesbian, I’ll still make fun of him for being an idiot.

  18. 18.

    The Other Steve

    I’d just like to take this opportunity to wiggle my buttocks in the general direction of wingnuts everywhere in celebration of Al Franken’s victory.

    Nobody has won nothing.

    There’s still a court ruling, and the election has not been certified.

  22. 22.

    Krista

    Poor Tunch. It’s for the best that cats can’t read, so that he can remain in his blissful ignorance, focusing only on food, sleep, and annoying John.

  24. 24.

    Quaker in a Basement

    John’s cat?
    John’s cat is fat.
    Fat cat. Fat, fat, fat.
    That fat cat is John’s cat.

  26. 26.

    Krista

    Dick.

    I’m sure Tunch hasn’t seen his in a long time, but there’s no need to remind him of it, John. That’s just mean.

  27. 27.

    Rosali

    I bet Tunch has that good cat scent. If you overlook the initial tuna-breath, cat fur smells good.

  28. 28.

    Comrade Mary, Would-Be Minion Of Bad Horse

    I’ll see your Dick and raise you a Jane.

    I read somewhere that cat saliva acts like a natural deodorizer on fur. Why it doesn’t work the same way on the mouth itself, I’ll never know. Obviously, we need to start genetically engineering cats with completely fur-lined mouths. Tuna breath problem solved!

  30. 30.

    passerby

    My 3 cats bow to Tunch’s fluffiness. Truly 1>3!

    Whatsleft, my Rex would never bow to Tunch.

    But, I hope he doesn’t see me when I bow to Tunch. (Good thing he can’t read.)

  31. 31.

    Conservatively Liberal

    I bet Tunch has that good cat scent. If you overlook the initial tuna-breath, cat fur smells good.

    If you take the ‘generic’ term for a cat from the first sentence and apply that to the second sentence, you get one big f’ing laugh from me. Somebody shoot me. ;)

    Regarding the last pic of Tunch that John posted, my wife said she found the real picture of Tunch and it seems that John photoshopped the original.

    Be patient, I will be back with the goods real soon! ;p

  32. 32.

    passerby

    @ComradeMary wbmobh

    I read somewhere that cat saliva acts like a natural deodorizer on fur. Why it doesn’t work the same way on the mouth itself, I’ll never know.

    Heh! Indeed.

  33. 33.

    Gravenstone

    Since this is an open thread, I thought I’d toss this bit of mockable stupidity up to the collective snarkmeisters here.

    Seems Bush 41 would like to see Jeb in the White House. Sorry old man, but your idiot youngest poisoned the well so thoroughly that there will never be another Bush (at least from your direct lineage) to sit in the White House. You can go to your grave knowing only the shame of loosing that imbecile on the world at large.

  34. 34.

    kommrade reproductive vigor

    I was just going to post about that. This was my favorite line:

    I mean, right now is probably a bad time, because we’ve had enough Bushes in there.

    Yeah, it’s just the name. Christ. I know the guy can’t say that his son is a one-man clusterfuck of epic proportions, but … whatever happened to if you don’t have something to say, just shut the fuck up?

    Of course, if the twanging turd were the fruit of my loins, I’d be ashamed to show my face in public. I sure as hell wouldn’t risk touching off an ugly riot by suggesting America should have to put up with that bullshit again.

    Oh well, it’ll give the fReichtards something to wank about.

  35. 35.

    Kathy

    Seems Bush 41 would like to see Jeb in the White House

    Actually, the sad thing is that Jeb would probably make a far better President than W ever would (and I suspect 41 believes the same.) Yes Jebbie is a conservative, but he doesn’t seem to Kotow to that So-Con bull sh*t to the same extent and has shown at least an interest in competency.
    Please do not take this as an endorsement of a Jebbie presidency. I am just saying that if we had to have had a Bush for the last 8 years, he would have been the better one.
    Crap, the Viking’s intercept. What was Donovan thinking? Hopefully this is going to be more like a punt.
    We have my favorite chilli bubbling and I found a left over bottle of Proscecco from New Year’s Eve. What is everyone else consuming?

  37. 37.

    Punchy

    Nobody has won nothing.

    There’s still a court ruling, and the election has not been certified.

    Josh Marshall is expecting a filly to prevent Franken from taking his seat. Looks like the Repubs aren’t done making a mockery of governmental processes.

  38. 38.

    whatsleft

    passerby: my 3 TOGETHER are not equal to 1 Tunch. Surely even Rex would bow to such magnificent Tunchitude. (Just don’t tell my Feral cat that I threw him under the Tunch bus – shhh)

  40. 40.

    Conservatively Liberal

    Nobody has won nothing.

    Translated TOS: "Somebody has won something."

    I can’t not agree with that! ;)

  41. 41.

    Laura W

    What is everyone else consuming?

    Tuna, organic greens, carrots, olive oil dressing.
    Organic ginger tea.
    Dieting…on the wagon.
    Thanks, Tunch! You are quite an inspirational figure for me.

  42. 42.

    Brick Oven Bill

    I met Al Frankin once. I was taking a draw of chocolate milk from the dispenser in the cafeteria line and he came bounding through the line, touching people as he went. He said something to me like ‘howdy, how ya doin’.

    I thought he was a retarded person and then someone mentioned that he was a comedian. This is not a good sign for our democracy.

  45. 45.

    MikeJ

    Actually, the sad thing is that Jeb would probably make a far better President than W ever would (and I suspect 41 believes the same.)

    Hard to say. He’d certainly be more competent, but competence in the pursuit of stupid goals doesn’t ensure better outcomes.

  46. 46.

    Krista

    Ok, here is the real picture of Tunch that my wife ‘found’. ;)

    That is highly awesome.

    That’s also a very tantalizing-looking cheeseburger. I can haz?

  48. 48.

    JL

    John, Can Krista win two years in a row?

    Dick.

    I’m sure Tunch hasn’t seen his in a long time, but there’s no need to remind him of it, John. That’s just mean.

  49. 49.

    Montysano

    @Johnny Pez:

    Now we’ll see if Harry Reid is man enough to seat Franken in defiance of Mitch McConnell.

    Mitch McConnell makes me want to punch holes in the wall and beat the dog. Puhleeze, Harry; grow a set. We’ve all waited so long.

    @Kathy:

    What is everyone else consuming?

    Quiche, muthafuckas.

    Seriously…. quiche. Drove a Volvo to go get it.

  51. 51.

    The Other Steve

    The Republicans need to be a bit careful with the Coleman/Franken thing.

    If it turns out Franken has the most votes and is certified the winner, and the Republicans try to prevent his placement as Senator…

    They could be in for a world of hurt when Coleman is indicted for taking kickbacks.

  54. 54.

    The Other Steve

    This is really fucking funny. Check out the readers’ list—four of the top 10 books are Ayn Rand and three are L. Ron Hubbard.

    And not a single book in the top 100 by Robert Ludlum. What the hell is wrong with these people!?

  56. 56.

    burnspbesq

    @JL:

    Tunch was even bigger when he played for the Steelers.

    And did you know he was born in Turkey?

  57. 57.

    AhabTRuler

    I have never read Ayn Rand.

    I have, however, read The Illuminatus Trilogy, and its Telemachus Sneezed told me all I ever needed to know before I even knew she existed.

    I also know that I would never put her books on a list of the 100 best anything, even as doorstops.

    Oh, and Tunch is looting John’s wealth, or some such mumble mumble.

  58. 58.

    Incertus

    @DougJ: Wow. Anyone who thinks Battlefield Earth was a great book needs to be kept away from books for the rest of their lives. You don’t want that rubbing off on the other books. It’ll get them all sticky.

  60. 60.

    Comrade Glocksman

    They could be in for a world of hurt when Coleman is indicted for taking kickbacks.

    They’re probably thinking tactically and hoping the courts give Coleman the seat because Pawlenty will appoint his replacement after Coleman’s resignation or conviction.

  62. 62.

    srv

    Maybe I drank too much, but I got the impression scanning this thread that people think Tunch is fat because he’s a self-loathing Objectivist lesbian.

  64. 64.

    burnspbesq

    Excellent! The Evil Empire takes one in the shorts.

    Boston College 85, North Carolina 78.

    There is no sound on earth sweeter than the sound of a surly Dean Dome crowd filing out after a loss.

    Why, yes, I am a Duke fan. How did you guess?

  65. 65.

    passerby

    passerby: my 3 TOGETHER are not equal to 1 Tunch. Surely even Rex would bow to such magnificent Tunchitude. (Just don’t tell my Feral cat that I threw him under the Tunch bus – shhh)

    No, sadly, whatsleft, my asshole..er I mean cat, my cat will pick a fight for the hell of it. He’s king (in his own mind) and will give grief, despite his age, to any and all denizens of the hood [to include cyberspace]. Alors.

  68. 68.

    Conservatively Liberal

    And did you know he was born in Turkey? And then he ate it?

    Fixed (by my wife). ;)

  70. 70.

    Kathy

    Yea Eagles! I have now switched to SNL’s sports special. They are doing a brutal send-up of Sport’s Center.
    The chili was excellent. Ok fellow Volvo drivers, what wine do you drink with chili? I know beer is the correct answer but too many carbs for my waistline.

  74. 74.

    passerby

    Was anyone surprised about Bill Richardson?

    Meh. ANYONE in politics, any Mayor, any Governor, any Congressman or Senator, I believe, can be deservedly investigated for quid pro quo type ethic violations. It is a largely ignored aspect of politics…until, of course, it is politically expedient.

  75. 75.

    John Cole

    Was anyone surprised about Bill Richardson?

    Yes. I was surprised that someone under investigation from the Feds for criminal wrongdoing was actually prevented from seeking office, and I was additionally surprised that the incoming administration apparently does not want ethically challenged folks. If this was someone in the Bush administration, all we would be hearing about is liberal media bias and how you can indict a ham sandwich.

    Change I can believe in.

  77. 77.

    Conservatively Liberal

    Krista, Tunch orders his burgers from Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub. Check out the listed ingredients:

    … 6 pounds of meat, one large onion, two whole tomatoes, one half head of lettuce, 1 1/4 pounds of cheese, top and bottom buns, and a cup each of mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard, relish, banana peppers and some pickles.

    That is nothing compared to the newest version they have out:

    … the "Beer Barrel Belly Buster", a monstrous 15-pound burger featuring 10.5 pounds of ground beef, twenty-five slices of cheese, a head of lettuce, three tomatoes, two onions, a cup-and-a-half each of mayonnaise, relish, ketchup, mustard and banana peppers. On a bun. (weighs in at 20.2 pounds with the bun and toppings).

    I take it Tunch is just warming up? ;)

  80. 80.

    Roza Hussein

    •Tunch is not tubby there is just more of him to love
    •Tunch is big boned
    •Tunch has a slow metabolism

  81. 81.

    Bad Horse's Filly

    @John Cole: That was pretty much my thought. I like Richardson, I hope this really is a lot of nothing, but stepping down (or being nudged) is the right thing to do. It’s the tone Mr. Obama has set for his team, it’s nice to see them following through on it.

    I’d have a lot more respect for Burris if he’d said, ‘hey, thanks for honor, Gov., but you’re under investigation and the Senate has said while that’s going on, your appointments are invalid, so I have to respect that.’ Then he might be a man I could support, but instead he thumbed his nose at the whole process, IMHO. So he should go down with Blagabjklvich.

  82. 82.

    Comrade Nikolita

    @Zuzu’s Petals:

    My bitch cat keeps peeing on the rug by the front door when she thinks the litterbox is too dirty. We’ve gone through 2 mats so far and I’m worried about bringing in the second one again, even after I clean it, in case she does it again.

  83. 83.

    Zuzu's Petals

    @Comrade Nikolita:

    My vet says it’s something about the wires under a computer…cats tend to like the electromagnetic field or something. The perverse thing is he sits there and looks at me while he does it.

    He’s also turned my closet into his own private pee parlor. I think once they smell it they want to return, no matter how much odor remover you’ve used…so I don’t blame you for not wanting to bring back the cleaned mat.

    But yeah, it always makes me rush to clean and reline the litter box. Just in case.

  85. 85.

    KRK

    There must have been a memo that went around to all previously well-behaved cats that it is time to start peeing on things. My Gus has been known to poop where he oughtn’t from time to time, but in all our years together I never had to worry about him peeing in wrong place (a much bigger offense). Then Christmas week 2008 rolls around and he takes to 4 a.m. peeing on whatever paper or fabric he can find on the bathroom or bedroom floor.

    Now he finds himself outside in the cold whenever 4 a.m. rolls around, but I don’t know that he’s made the connection.

  86. 86.

    Laura W

    @Zuzu’s Petals:

    Tunch is built for comfort, not built for speed.

    I like that, ZuZu. Makes the essential point, but in a sweet way.
    Used to be easy to select my favorite Tunch jokes in any given day but with the recent gluttony glut, no more slim pussies pickings around here.

  87. 87.

    Comrade Kevin

    @DougJ:

    This is really fucking funny. Check out the readers’ list—four of the top 10 books are Ayn Rand and three are L. Ron Hubbard.

    If anything, the non-fiction readers’ list is even worse.

  88. 88.

    John Cole

    So, in an effort to get Tunch skinnier, I have put him on a diet and armed myself with squirt guns in several rooms, so that when he comes in all pissy and whining, he gets a shotgun blast of water to the mug.

    Problem. This is day three, and he has now turned it into a game. He will come around the corner, start meowing, and then bolt the moment I move for the water pistol.

    Bastard.

  89. 89.

    KRK

    Geez, John. Tunch deigns to play along with your silly water pistol game despite the damage to his dignity, and gets nothing but grief.

    EDIT: You’re just at a more difficult level of the game now and are going to have to get your reflexes to match Tunch’s. (And the exercise is doing him good.)

  90. 90.

    Tunch, are you looking at me?

    Word of advice, make a hissing noise (or something similar) when you shot the water pistol. At some point, you can just hiss at the cat and they usually stop the behavior.

  91. 91.

    Comrade Kevin

    My cat occasionally takes a crap in the bathtub. I have not been able to figure out why.

  92. 92.

    Conservatively Liberal

    John, two words: Super Soaker

    Tunch is just letting you know that he will play but on his terms. Your move. ;)

  93. 93.

    Comrade Mary, Would-Be Minion Of Bad Horse

    Comrade Kevin, I once had a tabby who used to crap in the bathtub. She only stopped after she jumped in the tub right after we had put hot water and bleach in it to clean up after her last visit. She wasn’t hurt, and we certainly didn’t intend it as a booby trap for her, but it was shockingly effective.

    I’m in no position to poke fun at Tunch. It’s not just because when I poke him, my finger disappears completely from view, but because my Fergus is pretty damn hefty himself and I don’t have the heart to put him on a diet.

  94. 94.

    Conservatively Liberal

    While it isn’t healthy for a pet to be overweight, cats are just naturals for looking the part of a fat ‘healthy’ pet. Nothing seems more ‘right’ than a plump happy kitty with soft fur purring away in your lap.

  95. 95.

    Beej

    What a joke this list is! Where the hell are Crime and Punishment, Anna Karenina, Tom Jones, etc.?

  96. 96.

    Brick Oven Bill

    Take out quiche in a Volvo Monysano? I’d recommend homemade pizza instead. It is inexpensive, much healthier (spinach and onion), a great family project, and, after all, you want your household pet to respect you.

    I’ve been working on a good dough for a decade or so and am finally happy. I was using the yeast that you had to activate with hot water and wasn’t doing well. Then I got a friend to let me work in his pizzeria on a Friday night. They use self-activating yeast, and when I made that change, the results were much better. You can buy a year’s worth of self-activating yeast at Sams for $6.

    The other trick is the water/flour weight ratio, which should be 3:5. Add sugar, salt, and olive oil to taste, and you are eating better, and healthier. The yeast ferments sugars in the dough, just like alcohol fermentation, and yields alcohol and carbon dioxide during the process.

    If you let the dough rise in a sealed ziplock bag, emptied of air before sealing, you can generate nearly pure carbon dioxide. I decided to smell it once, and it nearly knocked me over. There was a burning in my lungs that I had never felt before or after. There are no signs of lasting damage.

    This government document indicates that it is CO2 blood levels that matter, not short-term gas concentrations in the lungs. But, nonetheless, I do not recommend breathing carbon dioxide.

  97. 97.

    Zuzu's Petals

    @Tunch, are you looking at me?:

    Interesting. On the recommendation of a Pet Smart worker with the same problem, I bought this to put in my closet with the hope of discouraging my cat from peeing in there:

    SSSCAT

    Evidently the blast of air freaks them out without actually hurting them.

  98. 98.

    Rosali

    Kevin, have you had strange visitors recently? My cat started crapping in the tub when my nephew brought along his big dog for several visits.

  102. 102.

    Brick Oven Bill

    This is an open thread Kevin, my Comrad. I linked to some government safety site, and released a very good recipe. My blog is therapeutic in nature, although it has been pretty accurate (you got me there).

    My friend with the pizzeria does not know how to make dough from scratch, as he is a franchisee, and the franchise sends him ‘secret’ bags of prepared powder. When he has his wife prepare food for him at home, she uses my recipe. That makes me happy. Now you know my recipe too.

    You are welcome. Enjoy your pizza.

  104. 104.

    Comrade Nikolita

    @Zuzu’s Petals:

    My boyfriend gets mad at my cat when she does it, even though it’s our fault for not cleaning the box more (we do it once a week… yeah I know it’s bad). So on one hand I can’t really blame her, annoying as it is, because we should do it more often. We’re just lazy.

    She did however, pee once in the water dish she shares with our kitten, and when I went out of town for a week, she started peeing in the sink, which she’s never done before.

    As for your cat, I hadn’t heard about the electromagnetic thing. Weird! Something like that would make me want to wrap my computer/wires in plastic so they don’t get pee on them…

    @John Cole:

    Our kitten does that with the spray bottle. If I can’t hide it from him while I’m creeping closer, he’ll take off before I can spray it.

  105. 105.

    BethanyAnne

    I switched my cats to Evo. The heavier one got skinnier, and the too-skinny one put on a little weight. YMMV, of course, but it worked pretty well for me. Pricy food, tho.

  106. 106.

    harlana pepper

    Definitely, if you are trying to train him to stop doing something, make a noise, like a loud "no!" before you squirt him. Then he will eventually associate the noise with the squirting of water and you won’t need to use the gun. He needs a chance to react so he can learn.

    Of course, I heard a stories from a friend whose now-deceased cat used to just sit there and defiantly take it right in the face every time and continue to do whatever bad thing she was doing. One of mine is pretty much like that. She’s like the pyramids, you just have to go around her.

  107. 107.

    J. Michael Neal

    Wow. Anyone who thinks Battlefield Earth was a great book needs to be kept away from books for the rest of their lives. You don’t want that rubbing off on the other books. It’ll get them all sticky.

    I always make sure to ask any new acquaintance whether or not they enjoy the writings of Neal Stephenson. If they do, then I make sure never to let them pick what movie we go see.

  112. 112.

    Laura W

    This is day three, and he has now turned it into a game. He will come around the corner, start meowing, and then bolt

    Sounds like someone made a NY’s resolution. Tell Tunch that Richard Simmons’ motto for the NY is: "A smaller behind in 2009." Words to inspire us all.

    All is not lost…think of "bolting" as sprints. I let my Big Beautiful Black girl (who came to me as a skinny outdoor stray) out of the back yard prison enclosure every day for a short, supervised romp and she does some awesome sprinting and climbing. I really do believe it’s helping her slim down. See? Her belly barely hangs over the table’s edge anymore.
    Annie’s very lucky to be black (Ferraro told her so.) Can you imagine how much more of a porker she’d be if she were Tunch’s color?

  113. 113.

    Bubba Dave

    @Comrade Nikolita

    LitterMaid self-scooping litter box is a life-changing device. My cats and their lazy hominid both recommend it.

    @KRK

    A sudden change in cat peeing behavior can indicate various sorts of medical problems– it might be worth a vet visit.

  115. 115.

    The Other Steve

    I switched my cats to Evo. The heavier one got skinnier, and the too-skinny one put on a little weight. YMMV, of course, but it worked pretty well for me. Pricy food, tho.

    I have switched our cats to Blue Wilderness, which is similar… a grain free cat food, but it’s something I can buy at petsmart. Occasionally I feed them some canned food as a treat.

    I also have a Petmate LeBistro food dispenser…

    Now if you look at the bag, they basically say 1 cup of food for a 12 lb cat, right? Well, I’m feeding 3/4 cup of food daily for TWO CATS! So it’s less than half the recommended food.

    Once I started that about 9 months ago they lost some weight. They were up around 15 lbs, but are now around 12-13, and they’ve pretty much stabilized there. They started off whining a lot and wanting more food, but after a month they got used to it. The nice thing about the LeBistro, is it takes away the blame. Now I’m not feeding them, the machine is. So if you want more food go talk to the machine kitty!

  116. 116.

    The Other Steve

    LitterMaid self-scooping litter box is a life-changing device. My cats and their lazy hominid both recommend it.

    I had two of those break on me. Gave up on it. Besides, they’re worthless unless modified to either dump into a toilet, or at least a small trash can as those plastic trays are a pain and too small..

    I went back to using the Clevercat top entry litterbox. This works well and tracks less litter. The key though is finding a good litter scoop, as you want one with a bend to it as you have to come in from on top. I also keep the litter in it about 4" deep rather than say 2"… this makes it easier to scoop even when you leave it for a few extra days.

    But gotta clean it at least once a week… it’s better if it’s twice a week.

  117. 117.

    Nicole

    This thread made me remember the 2007 NY Times article about Crazy Cat Lady Syndrome- apparently there might be a scientific reason for it- a brain parasite. Eww.

    Which is not to say I think the cat owners here are all crazy cat people. It just made me think of it. I like cats, even though I’m allergic to most of them.

    The elephant-dog best friends thing on CBS Sunday Morning yesterday made me cry. Because I’m weak like that.

  119. 119.

    srv

    I’m bored, in the spirit of Tuzla.

    He will come around the corner, start meowing, and then bolt the moment I move for the water pistol.

    It was supposed to be just another aid mission, they had told me – deliver a specialized food product, reassure the local, and move on. Simple. Yeah.

    The problems began immediately. The local was a particular character. Here I had a spent days researching his culture and dietary requirements, spent hours filing out requisitions, then tired of the life-sucking paperwork and made my way to the BX to purchase it with my own money.

    And this ally, whose freedom we had nurtured since he was still in a litter of fledgling democracies, was unmoved. It started first with out right refusal. I held my ground, I had had studied the work of York Harding extensively, and I knew I could find a way through this problem.

    Then it escalated into verbal abuse. I was unmoved. He then proceeded to urinate in our living area, filling the air with his stench. The verbal abuse continued non-stop, and I began considering what I would have to do if this escalated. I had been to Moghidishu, and I knew how quickly things could spin out of control.

    I didn’t have to wait for long. Soon, objects were being tossed of shelves, my papers were torn, my equipment was assaulted. The threats had now become shrieks. This being an ally, our ROE’s prevented any use of deadly force. I began unpacking our water cannons and preparing them for the battle I loathed might come.

    It came quickly, in the night. This ‘ally’ knew his territory like the back of his paw, and was stealthier than a B-2 bomber. They say you never hear it coming, and I know what it is to live with that paralyzing feeling now. One minute, I was dutifully maintaining my electronic charges, and the next, I was being flailed by the razor sharp weapons of this native. It was as though my frame of reference had turned into a ball of fear, fur and blood.

    The instincts honed in my previous combat experiences served me well. Even though the wounds cut deeply and my blood had turned the room into a Jackson Pollock work, my rippling forearm was able to fend off my opponent. My other arm reached automatically for my gun and my finger quickly felt the cold, plasticy embrace of the trigger. Without thinking, my thumb ratcheted down the safety into full auto and I gave my new enemy his due.

    The battle was over as quickly as it began. My enemy fled, and I was left to lick my numerous wounds. My heart was pounding the way Michael Goldfarb’s keyboard does after a JDAM slices through a Palestinian school.

    The attacks continued, with no pattern. I would no longer know a moment without fear. I would no longer know the rest of sleep. Here I was, in the ugliest of catfights. No beating down the flower peddles that had been promised me. This sandbox had turned into a full blown insurgency, and there was no end in sight.

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