I’ve started to get some very strange press releases since I joined Red State Strike Force, the Atlasphere, and the Republican Jewish coalition a few weeks ago. I can’t make heads or tails of this one, from Hollywood East Inc. I’ve bolded the most interesting parts but it begs to be read in its entirety:
January 6, 2009 was a prophetic day in American history. On that day, 2 tsunamis hit the entertainment world. Hollywood East, Inc. was launched by John Campbell, and Big Hollywood was launched by Andrew Breitbart. The more powerful of the tsunamis was the launch of Hollywood East, Inc. in Orlando, Florida. According to the Florida Secretary of State, January 6th was its official incorporation date. John Campbell, former 2008 U.S. presidential candidate, is its founder and CEO. For his bio, Google “John Campbell Beverly Hills.” The first 22 entries will link to his various websites.
According to Campbell, the mission of Hollywood East, Inc. is to become “The New Hollywood.” It will produce, distribute and broadcast – entertainment and media content. The goal is to replace the old Hollywood (Hollywood west), like the new media is replacing the old media. This will be done the American way – by beating them in the marketplace. Hollywood East, Inc. will produce content that will dominate the box offices, the airwaves and the internet. The content will be pro-God, pro-family and pro-America.
Although its main studios will be in Orlando, it will have studios throughout Florida – and around the world. Hollywood East, Inc. will eventually be listed on the New York Stock Exchange – and seek to become an American icon.
A few thoughts on this….first off, is Brick Oven Bob writing their press releases? This is barely coherent. Second, no one has ever heard of Big Hollywood so why bother bragging that you’re a “more powerful tsunami” than it is? And speaking of Big Hollywood, what is it with Breitbart and teh gay-sounding phrases. Remember this gem?
So let’s stop first at Abercrombie and Fitch. See those shirtless models in the storefront tossing footballs in the air?
There’s a better use of their time and efforts. Tanned, coiffed and seriously cut, these young studs could be tossing free-trade legislation across the halls of the Cannon House Office Building faster than you can Twitter “The Bella Twins.”
Tom
What if my god is Satan? Would they accept pro-Satan movies?
DougJ
Is Satan pro-family?
Tom
And actually, I have a U2 bio pic spec I’m looking to sell. Think they’d accept pro-Bono works?
John Cole
@DougJ: Clearly someone has never watched and Osmond Family Christmas special.
Tom
Is Satan pro-family?
As long as they’re named Manson.
DougJ
@John Cole
I remember this like it was yesterday (this may not be work safe).
Comrade Darkness
Pro God, Pro Family? There are experts in other parts of the world at just this sort of thing. Some consultants from Al Jazeera could really help them get this kick started.
demimondian
More power to them! Personally, I have questions about whether there’s a market for movies in which the characters practice halafa in America, but it would certainly serve to help educate their target audience, the American Right, about the anti-Muslim bigotry endemic in our society.
John Cole
Speaking of the Osmonds, has anyone seen the Marie Osmond nutrisystem commercials? She looks like she is ready to go on tour as an Aerosmith groupie. Isn’t she close to fifty now? Criminy, lay off the make-up.
DougJ
This reminds me a bit of this classic from Fred Barnes:
Zifnab
Hollywood Rupert Murdoch. It could totally work and make a few wingnuts a whole bunch of money.
And I’m absolutely willing to believe some 23% of the nation will line up to watch "Jesus Loves You 2: Electric Buggaloo God Bless America Double Plus Good" once they realize their money isn’t going to dirty Hollywood liberals.
jibeaux
I’m guessing that for it to be a *really* prophetic day, you wouldn’t have to tell people to make sure you include the city when you google the founder/apparent former presidential candidate (?).
cleek
we’ll see about that.
John Campbell Beverly Hills
DougJ
Ha!
Comrade Darkness
@DougJ, good grief. It’s like they have talent. I remember watching that when it was first broadcast, but talk about low expectations…they didn’t seem half bad… in a cloyingly parental-approved way. Pleasantly surprised by the Motown… so that, GAH, I watched all six minutes. Now I need a drink.
Reverend Dennis
Hollywood East, Inc. must be saving all of their money for their dynamite productions because they sure didn’t spend it on their web site.
They have nothing in production, no distribution deals, and they’re working out of Star Church "- next to Walt Disney World." Some of that Disney magic is bound to rub off on them – right?
Before the year is out they’ll regretfully announce that Big Hollywood, frightened of the competition, has prevented them from getting financing. Someone else will announce that one of their ingenues has demonstrated her ability to suck a marble through fifty feet of garden hose on-camera.
Comrade Stuck
Do not be alarmed, the sound you hear is the eager foot tapping of GOP Congressmen. Gives a whole new meaning for Caucus Whip.
Karen S.
These numbskulls who think they’re being clever when they call Hollywood "Hollyweird" are amusing, if nothing else. I thought they rather liked Hollywood products, considering that their heroes tend to be celluloid fictional fascists (such as many of the characters played by John Wayne, Stallone’s Rambo or, for more a recent vintage, see Jack Bauer on "24") pine for the days of Andy Hardy movies, World War II newsreels and "Father Knows Best"-type teevee shows — all of it Hollywood product. And Hollywood still churns out family-friendly drivel because it makes money. Isn’t that the American Way?
ricky
I can twitter Bella Twins so fast that when I change hands I gain a stroke.
Terri
Looking forward to lots and lots of Chuck Norris type violence. Where the rather pale hero blows up lots of bad (brown, yellow) people.
As an aside, a commercial came on last night advertising ALL 23 episodes of " Walker, Texas Ranger" That’s right, if you call in the next 6 months, the set of 2 dvds can be yours for 9.95 plus s&h. But hurry, supplies are limited. If you call now, as a bonus, they’ll throw in a limited edition print of Norris giving a reach around to Ted Haggard.
Zuzu's Petals
Seems like if you were going to bother to have an Hollywood East in Florida, you’d have it in Hollywood, Florida. Not Orlando.
But I guess I am too linear for them.
jibeaux
@ricky:
Some of us remember & miss George Carlin, you know…
Keith
As best I can tell from the press release, their intention is to buy the rights to "Seventh Heaven" and "Highway to Heaven" and turn them into feature-length movies starring Jon Voight and Gary Sinise.
Left Coast Tom
Isn’t Florida rather flat? All these tsunamis might not leave any dry land.
Besides, Florida already has a town named "Hollywood".
Joshua Norton
So they’re going to produce nothing but Christmas movies for the Hallmark channel? Sounds a bit niche-y for a project that’s supposed to take the country by storm. I mean, you’ve seen one Christian rock concert, you’ve seen them all.
Scott H
Ah. So the culture war is back to market share. Like the Disney boycott. I suppose it’s never been about anything else.
Laura W
@John Cole:
HA!
Ageist.
Comrade Dread
If they’re idea of making Pro-America movies is "An American Carol Part 2", you’ll make the same return on any investment you give them if you just wipe your bum with $100 bills and flush them down the loo.
DougJ
Is Sinise a Republican too?
ricky
Has Phil Gramm made an investment yet? aA Remake of Days of Whine and Roses?
Laura W
Halp.
My spam filter keeps trapping these sexy emails that seem to come to me from me. This morning I appear to have sent myself an email titled:
Ride her like a mofo
mmmmm!
Here is the bullshit:
You are receiving this newsletter because you subscribed to the Ad Specs Inc newsletter as (my main email addy here.)
If you wish to change or remove your email address, please visit this link
Ad Specs Inc respects your privacy. Our Privacy Policy.
Our Contact Information.
22 W Oates Ave Winchester, VA 22601
© 2008 Ad Specs Inc.
Of course I can’t blacklist my own email addy with my ISP, and I do know not to click thru the removal link, but how do I unsubscribe from these highly arousing emails I keep sending myself?
(Ooops, sorry, thought I was on the semi-open thread with the conehead dog.
My high state of arousal clouded my judgment.)
Tom
You’re giving these guys too much credit. They’d be lucky to get Kirk Cameron.
Tsulagi
Okay, so you got that image prompting uncontrollable starbursts under the Big Tent in one faction. And in another you got the gay patch crowd grabbing their personal guns when swooning over rough men at the ready.
Pretty good idea how your typical wingnut patriot prepares on a Friday night hoping to finally get lucky. To increase their hookup odds, first they use coarse-grit sandpaper to roughen up. Then a can of spray tan finishing with a Flowbee touchup before going out the door. They’re a force.
Zuzu's Petals
Well, well. Looks like Huckabee isn’t a big Palin booster:
Ash Can
@Zuzu’s Petals:
Oh yes you can, Huck. You’re just too chicken to say it out loud.
Notorious P.A.T.
Hello, English major here. I was just wondering, and would seriously like to know: what is signified by using LOL Cat words like the god-awful "teh"?
Am I supposed to think "Wow, not only is the modern Republican party bigoted and incompetent, but they can’t spell either?"
Seriously, what is in play here?
jeff
Think he needs his meds adjusted.
Notorious P.A.T.
@jeff:
Wow, I’m so surprised that you defended a thoughtless cliche with a thoughtless cliche. What a mental giant. How many nanoseconds did you devote to framing that witty riposte?
Phoenician in a time of Romans
According to Campbell, the mission of Hollywood East, Inc. is to become “The New Hollywood.” It will produce, distribute and broadcast – entertainment and media content. The goal is to replace the old Hollywood (Hollywood west), like the new media is replacing the old media. This will be done the American way – by beating them in the marketplace.
Oh, I’d so want to have a list of their stockholders. Such concentrated gullibleness and stupidity is just crying out to be exploited for fun and profit.
The Grand Panjandrum
What about those who prefer their young studs uncut? Or is that against their god’s law?
Joshua Norton
protected static
@cleek:
Yeah, my thought was "Not for long, they won’t." Teh Google works in mysterious ways.
protected static
That didn’t take long – Balloon Juice is now smack dab in the first few results for John Campbell Beverly Hills, but only as a quoted phrase… The search results for the unquoted keywords would seem to indicate that he must have sunk an assload of money into SEO/keyword nonsense.
Not that that can’t be undone, particularly on a site like Balloon Juice that’s updated frequently. Teh Google demands fresh content, lest it grow bored with you and render your keyword purchases moot.
loomisnews
They never heard of Hollywood North (Vancouver, BC) — where pot is decriminalized & there are Amsterdam-style "coffeeshops"?
Chris
If done right, this might actually be great business investment. Christian movies often make a ton of money. We never hear about them because they do most of their adversting on Christian radio, but there’s a market out there for this stuff.
bend
this is my favorite bit from the website FAQ:
Mouse Tolliver
Maybe someone can help me out here. I’m trying to think of some Hollywood movies that have an anti-family message, but I’m coming up empty.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull — pro-family…
The Incredibles — pro-family…
Die Hard — pro-family…
Mamma Mia — pro-family…
All of these movies give an explicit endorsement of the traditional nuclear family. The list goes on and on. Every Hollywood movie I can think of presents an affirmation of traditional values. The boy always gets the girl. The career obsessed parent always decides to stop neglecting the kids. The terrorist attack/F5 tornado/alien invasion always makes the divorced couple realize they were made for each other. And the gays always know their place: In the closet looking for a purse that goes with Anne Hathaway’s shoes.
How can these joker’s expect the beat Hollywood when they clearly are not familiar with the product Hollywood is producing?
Johnny Pez
As an experiment, I did a google search for John Campbell without the Beverly Hills. First hit was for Congressman John Campbell (R-CA), a completely different wingnut. That explains that.
Btw, second hit was for a faculty member at Harvard’s Econ Dept., third hit was a webcomic by a guy named John Campbell, fourth hit was a blues guitarist who died in 1993.
Tenth hit was the science fiction editor.
Jef
Sweet lord…that’s the worst Web site I’ve ever seen.
Deborah
Theory: In the post-election attempt to come up with some new ideas, one was to do a better job at getting the message out. The plan was to purchase the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, and a major television channel, which would then air the correctly-messaged programming. While the less-wingnutty shot this down on workability (and it had to be awful to be a sincere, not crazy, appalled-by-Palin Republican in those fora), the launch of Hollywood East would appear to be the first step in putting this into action. First the movies, then the cable news stations.
Get those Abercrombie models and their cut abs acting in the next Painter of Light movie, and when they’re doing the talk show circuits they’ll promote good conservative pro-family ideas. With their shirts off. The ladies of the View stand no chance.
Birdzilla
Any proamerican prochristian profamily movies would be ignored in the oscars and golden globes too conservative for those idiot liberal judges
4jkb4ia
You joined the Republican Jewish Coalition!? After the quality of their ads in my local Jewish paper you have nothing but my sympathy.
Peter Principle
I guess now we know where Joe the Plumber’s first acting gig is going to come from . . .
craigie
They have nothing in production, no distribution deals, and they’re working out of Star Church "- next to Walt Disney World." Some of that Disney magic is bound to rub off on them – right?
Of course they know what they are doing – they can see Disney from their house.
Joshua Norton
As I recall, Fox made a big too-doody 3 or 4 years ago about how they were going into the christian movie business. How’d that work out for them? About the same as their "comedy" show. It there was a lot of money to be made Rupert would be making it by now.
Mouse Tolliver
@Birdzilla:
Yes, damn those foreign journalists that run the Golden Globes. Those non-American judges are downright un-American.
Pro-American, Pro-Christian movies like Casablanca and Ben-Hur never win Oscars.
Oh wait.