Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

“Jesus paying for the sins of everyone is an insult to those who paid for their own sins.”

T R E 4 5 O N

We still have time to mess this up!

Teach a man to fish, and he’ll sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

It’s time for the GOP to dust off that post-2012 autopsy, completely ignore it, and light the party on fire again.

People are complicated. Love is not.

Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Today’s GOP: why go just far enough when too far is right there?

Fuck the extremist election deniers. What’s money for if not for keeping them out of office?

A democracy can’t function when people can’t distinguish facts from lies.

The words do not have to be perfect.

Russian mouthpiece, go fuck yourself.

Give the craziest people you know everything they want and hope they don’t ask for more? Great plan.

Sitting here in limbo waiting for the dice to roll

When someone says they “love freedom”, rest assured they don’t mean yours.

Let’s not be the monsters we hate.

Only Democrats have agency, apparently.

It’s the corruption, stupid.

Peak wingnut was a lie.

I see no possible difficulties whatsoever with this fool-proof plan.

It’s easy to sit in safety and prescribe what other people should be doing.

Good lord, these people are nuts.

Technically true, but collectively nonsense

Happy indictment week to all who celebrate!

You are here: Home / Toys, today. Tomorrow, everything else.

Toys, today. Tomorrow, everything else.

by | 115 Comments

This post is in: 

Debbie Schlussel has uncovered a shocking Islamic plot to indoctrinate our children by programming children’s toys to say “Islam is the light”.

I blame Clinton for the jihadist baby doll and Obama for the jihadist Nintendo game.

What’s scary is that this all part of a larger pattern, one that Obama has yet to stamp out despite having already been in office 13 days:

  • Remember in 1998 when parents all across the United States had hissy-fits because they really, truly believed their children’s Teletubby dolls were saying “Faggot, faggot, bite my butt“?
  • And how about the California woman who threatened a lawsuit in 2000 after convincing herself that a Teletubby doll was telling her child, “I got a gun, I got a gun! Run away, run away!“
  • Or the woman who complained in 2006 that a Little Mermaid doll called her daughter “a slut.”
  • Or the parent who claimed in early 2008 that a Tickle Me Elmo doll had made death threats against her son?

This chilling video shows that Satanists have gotten in on the act too:

Update: Libarbarian notices something even more disturbing. The manufacturer claims:

The sounds are publicly available for license. It is a recording of a 5 month old baby babbling non-intelligible phrases.

That means the jihadists have successfully recruited an army of “babbling” five month old sleeper agents. Don’t forget: it was five months ago, almost to the very day, that Obama was elected. Makes you wonder.

Reader Interactions

115Comments

  10. 10.

    Joshua Norton

    What I never understood was all the crap about songs saying demonic phrases when played backwards. How the hell did they even get the records and CD’s to play backwards? And why was that only bible thumpers and toothless hillbillys were the ones who ever heard those words?

  12. 12.

    JGabriel

    It’s obviously some sort of audio Rorshach test, because I could swear that baby was saying, "Evil is the Right!"

    A sentiment I totally share.

    .

  13. 13.

    Joshua Norton

    …have the sidebars vanished for anyone else?

    Didn’t John say he was working on something? Now I think we know what. Just be grateful the whole site doesn’t vanish again.

  14. 14.

    sus

    I listened to this doll on another video. I will admit is does sound similar to "Islam is the light", but probably more of "Iglam is da lite".

    But… after what I thought my cat called me last night, I prefer to believe it is just sounds, with no intent.

    At least I hope so, else my cat will be punished.

  16. 16.

    Left Coast Tom

    But… after what I thought my cat called me last night, I prefer to believe it is just sounds, with no intent.

    At least I hope so, else my cat will be punished.

    I’m sure the real answer is that your cat is in on the Islamofascist Konspiracy[tm].

  17. 17.

    Dave

    FWIW, my mother-in-law bought this doll for my little girl. If you didn’t know about this ginned-up foolishness, it wouldn’t sound like anything. But if you want to hear "Islam is the light", you can twist it in your head to come out that way.
     
    As with all cases like this, the supposed phrase says more about the person who says they hear it than the product itself.

  18. 18.

    Fencedude

    We totally wouldn’t be hearing about this if it supposedly said something like "christ is lord" or someshit.

  19. 19.

    kommrade reproductive vigor

    The sounds are publicly available for license. It is a recording of a 5 month old baby babbling non-intelligible phrases.

    This explains why fReichtards only care about pre-born womb babies. Post-born air infants are Satan’s little helpers.

  21. 21.

    NonyNony

    @Fencedude:

    We totally wouldn’t be hearing about this if it supposedly said something like "christ is lord" or someshit.

    Yes we would, though the story would be different. We’d be hearing about the "miracle toy" that says "Christ Is Lord" and is up on eBay right now next to the grilled cheese sandwich that "miraculously" had the profile of the Virgin Mary grilled into it and a plastic cup that "miraculously" melted in the dishwasher into the shape of Jesus’s face (or possibly Elvis’s, it depends).

  24. 24.

    Rick Taylor

    WTF?

    Ok, I thought I’d become immune to wingnut nuttery. I thought after Palin and Joe the Plumber, nothing could perturb me. I was wrong.

    What television network was playing the story as though it were serious? Please let it be the Onion.

  30. 30.

    kommrade reproductive vigor

    A question: If a baby says Goo goo ga ga and someone admits that they hear KILL SATAN ALLAH BLOOD DEATH … Shouldn’t someone call CPS? Or the SWAT team?

    This clearly indicates that we need to invest more in the fidelity of tiny, cheap speakers ^hearing aids and ear wax removal kits.

    Fxd.

  31. 31.

    Rick Taylor

    I suppose this was coordinated with Obama’s submission to the Muslim world, as reported by Frank Gaffney in the Washington times?

    How appropriate that Barack Obama featured Aretha Franklin in his Inaugural festivities since her signature song is "Respect." Literally from the moment she finished belting out "My Country ‘Tis of Thee" on Jan. 20, the new president has been conveying his "respect" the Muslim world. Unfortunately, the way he practices it seems to be spelled S-U-B-M-I-S-S-I-O-N.

    Several observers have noted in recent days that Mr. Obama’s outreach to the Muslim world is not only defensive and apologetic. It explicitly embraces a narrative that is factually erroneous and deprecating to his own country.

    For example, in his Inaugural address, the president spoke of seeking "a new way forward [with the Muslim world], based on mutual interest and mutual respect." He amplified this idea during his first post-Inaugural interview, which was granted to a Saudi-owned network, Al Arabiya: He is determined to "restore" the "same respect and partnership America had with the Muslim world as recently as 20 or 30 years ago."

  35. 35.

    camchuck

    I’m saddened to think of the horrible effects of being exposed to such filth. Reading Debie Schluessel, that is.

  36. 36.

    Brick Oven Bill

    You mock fate DougJ, and fate laughs back at you. You posted at 9:29. This is a telling verse.

    Verse 9:29

    Fight those who do not believe in Allah, nor in the latter day, nor do they prohibit what Allah and His Messenger have prohibited, nor follow the religion of truth, out of those who have been given the Book, until they pay the tax in acknowledgment of superiority and they are in a state of subjection.

    In order to embrace plurality, you have to reject Islam. It is counterintuitive. Islam and the Mafia are very similar.

  37. 37.

    Dillon

    Islam is the Light – Manfred Mann’s Earth Band

    Islam is the Light,
    wrapped up like a douche,
    another runner in the night…

  38. 38.

    Mouse Tolliver

    I’m listening to the news right now. They’re doing a story about an Elmo doll that supposedly says, "Who wants to have sex?" It’s a Fox News affiliate. Surprise, surprise!

    Oh the horror. The horror.

  39. 39.

    gbear

    @Joshua Norton:

    How the hell did they even get the records and CD’s to play backwards?

    Manual turntables. Many of those early explorers of hidden messages were using means other than the bible to see God.

  42. 42.

    kvenlander

    The "theory" behind satanic backwards messages was that allegedly some psycho(logist or not) claimed Teh Braaain of Pure Children would decipher them and store them in the unconscious, thus turning sweet Xtian children into teenagers aka sleeper agents of Satan.

    Or something. It didn’t make any sense then either.

  43. 43.

    Lavocat

    Hillbillies hearing voices emanating from inanimate objects?

    Isn’t that how Mormonism got started?

    And everybody knows that Islam is the light, DUH!

  44. 44.

    wilfred

    You mock fate DougJ, and fate laughs back at you

    You mockerfater! I’ve been saying it for years.

  45. 45.

    sus

    "How the hell did they even get the records and CD’s to play backwards?"

    Laughing harder now then when my nephew asked what kind of CD’s these were (when he saw some old l.p.’s)

  47. 47.

    Michael G

    I thought I was solid in my beliefs, but the baby makes a pretty strong case. What the hell, allahu akbar!

  50. 50.

    [delurk]...[/delurk]

    @Dillon:

    Islam is the Light – Manfred Mann’s Earth Band
    Islam is the Light,
    wrapped up like a douche,
    another runner in the night…

    "Revved up like a Deuce." You know, a ’32 Ford hot rod, like the Beach Boys’ "Little Deuce Coop."

    Of course, if Manfred Mann were from west of the Appalachians and didn’t pronounce "deuce" "doose" there wouldn’t have been so much confusion all these years.

  54. 54.

    craigie

    Also, I burned a piece of toast and if you squinted at it, it was an exact image of this doll. How are they doing this? They must be stopped.

  55. 55.

    TheHatOnMyCat

    So let me get this straight. People will grow up believing what their toys tell them?

    That must be why I believe that Rudolph guided a sleigh with his big red nose?

  57. 57.

    bago

    Well both Judaism and Christianity are right out then too. That whole "no other gods before me" commandment scotches up pluralism something fierce.

  58. 58.

    Joshua Norton

    People will grow up believing what their toys tell them?

    Could be worse. I had a weirdo cousin who talked to his toys and also had an imaginary girl friend. They had to break up when he found out she wanted to raise the kids imaginary, too.

  61. 61.

    Linda Binda

    Wow! Look at that old picture up ahead! It’s the old Nintendo DS! It looks kinda cheap compared to the DS Lite nowadays! :D

    …(..and that’s all that’s really worth saying, concerning Schussel. Seriously, she has some movie reviews up on IMDb.com that are completely insane, claiming that Adam Sandler’s a super-liberal in her horrible review of You Don’t Mess with the Zohan and other funny stuff. She’s worth a Nelson point-your-finger-and-laugh-"ha, ha!" gesture, but nothing else.)

  62. 62.

    gbear

    Could be worse. I had a weirdo cousin who talked to his toys and also had an imaginary girl friend.

    I went to see a friend’s band play in a south Minneapolis bar a while back. A guy with a paper bag came in and stood at the side of the stage. When the band started playing, he pulled a maraca out of the bag and started shaking it frantically to the music, and whenever the music stopped he stared into the maraca and talked to it. I wonder if he was related to Debbie Schlussel?

  63. 63.

    burnspbesq

    I’d like to shove one of those dolls up Dennis Kucinich’s hindquarters. Little twit is leaning on Citigroup to default on its naming rights deal for the Mets’ new stadium.

    Oddly, I don’t remember him raising any objection to public funding for Jacobs Field or the Browns’ stadium.

  65. 65.

    Conservatively Liberal

    The sidebars are still there. You didn’t take the green acid, did you? Dude!

    Stick with the purple microdot. Better yet, windowpane if you can find it.

  66. 66.

    TenguPhule

    So let me get this straight. People will grow up believing what their toys tell them?

    That was obviously the reason behind the Sarah Palin windup doll.

  67. 67.

    Ninerdave

    @Fencedude:

    We totally wouldn’t be hearing about this if it supposedly said something like "christ is lord" or someshit.

    No it’d be up on ebay next to the cheese sandwich with the virgin mary’s image toasted on one side.

  68. 68.

    Conservatively Liberal

    I wish someone would find a tightly coiled pile of dogshit that looks like Jeebus or Mary. Watching the religious nuts worshiping a turd would be worth it.

    You think they would take it as a ‘sign’? ;)

  69. 69.

    Andre

    @[delurk]…[/delurk]:

    From Wikipedia:

    The song is notable for lead vocalist Chris Thompson’s garbled enunciation, especially of the phrase "revved up like a deuce" which has led many fans to interpret it as "wrapped up like a douche". The original lyric is neither of the above, instead being "cut loose like a deuce."[1] Springsteen once attributed the popularity of the Manfred Mann version partially to Thompson’s enunciation.[2]

    The more you know!

  71. 71.

    NR

    @Andre:

    I saw an interview with Bruce Springsteen once where they asked him about this song. He said something like "Yeah, the lyric in my version is ‘cut loose like a deuce.’ You know, like a little deuce coupe." Then he paused for a second, looked right at the interviewer, and said "I guess that’s why theirs went number one and mine didn’t."

    The guy really has a great sense of humor. I like that about him.

  72. 72.

    AnneLaurie

    I wish someone would find a tightly coiled pile of dogshit that looks like Jeebus or Mary. Watching the religious nuts worshiping a turd would be worth it.

    We’ve already got the remnants of the Republican Party worshiping a not-so-tightly-coiled turd named Rush Limbaugh.

  73. 73.

    Ripley

    Okay, I think I’ve got this straight: these people have gone insane because Islam, in fact, isn’t the light. Is that right?

    Wait, what?

  74. 74.

    Anonymous visitor from Sadly,No!

    So let me get this straight. People will grow up believing what their toys tell them?

    I have already explained this to the S,N! commentariat but did they listen? Did they bogroll.
    This is the plot of "I Always Do What Teddy Says", by Harry Harrison (1965), so give the man some respect!

  75. 75.

    drunken hausfrau

    I am stupider for having watched those clips… I could actually feel brain cells dying in agony…

  76. 76.

    Xenos

    The only Muslims who would say something like "Islam is the Light" are the goofy hippy-type Sufis like Yusuf Islam. You can’t get a more harmless group within a major religion than that.

    I will get more worried when children’s toys start declaring war on Shi’ites, reciting Salafist principles, declaring women to be unclean, and so on.

  77. 77.

    headpan

    Debbie Schlussel has way too much botox and make-up to be wearing a tye-died t-shirt. Sorry, Debs, it just doesn’t fly that you’re hip. See Ann "I Dig the G-Dead" Coulter.

  78. 78.

    slightly_peeved

    @Barrowload Of Bullshit:

    Ooh, let’s play a round of Quoting Holy Books out of Context!

    1 Samuel 18:25-27 (King James Version)

    25And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines, to be avenged of the king’s enemies. But Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines.

    26And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well to be the king’s son in law: and the days were not expired.

    27Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king’s son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife.

    At least the Muslims aren’t trying to scalp little slightly_peeved for use as currency.

    And as someone from the link sus gave said, it’s not saying "Islam is the light." It’s clearly saying “The Walrus is Paul” and the other bit is saying "It’s fun to smoke marijuana."

  79. 79.

    headpan

    I weep for the future of our children, these mommies are so fuckin’ dumb. This is the real reason behind the repubes anti-contraception obsessions – they want these baby machines to keep spitting out kids as dumb as they are so they can be easily groomed into righttards. Honestly, I’m not trying to be funny here. The smart peeps who actually do that evil thing called "family planning" (anybody remember that, back in the day? It used to be a respected idea) will be overcome simply by numbers.

    After that, what remants of good that remain on the planet will be hastily raped, scraped or blown up until this earth is nothing more than a charred, scarred mess with starving, miserable creatures as it’s inhabitants and a few "inconceivably" wealthy masters. They will not be satisfied until this happens because they think they will still be around to reap the benefits as Lords with serfs and such.

    I’m not kidding, this may not be in the forefront of their lizard brains, but the end result will be the same if slimy, selfish, grasping, eternally unsatisfied repubes get their way – this is a silly topic to go off on, but somehow that just came out – sorry

  80. 80.

    headpan

    I think it said "Islam is a blight".

    Sorry, but these bitches are too stupid to know what "blight" means.

  81. 81.

    Michael D.

    Don’t forget: it was five months ago, almost to the very day, that Obama was elected.

    Did I miss out on a couple months somewhere? I do remember taking an Ambien CR.

    Now, unless they were REALLY controlling the release of that shit, dude, it’s February.

  83. 83.

    SGEW

    Islam and the Mafia are very similar.

    Yep. An ethno-linguo-cultural crime organization, created and maintained solely for profit gained from illegal activities, is very similar to a 1400 year old geographically diffuse, doctrinally heterodox monotheistic religion based on the ideal of personal submission to an omnipotent, merciful entity. Yes. Very similar. No, please. Don’t elaborate. Really,

    It takes a special form of bigoted crypto-fascist like thyself, Monsieur Bob, to provoke me into defending theism of any kind. You asshat. You’re the reason we have the 1st Amendment (in both directions – to prevent intolerant crazies like you from repressing religious belief and to simultaneously preserve your inherent right to pound out bizarre garbage on internet comment threads. Ah, America.).

  84. 84.

    Napoleon

    How long before Michelle Malkin is on Glen Beck’s show claiming Dora the Explorer is the advance scout for the hoards of Mexicans about to overrun our borders?

  86. 86.

    Vlad

    I thought that, if anything, it said, "His mom is alright."

    False pattern recognition powers activate!

  89. 89.

    Tattoosydney

    @Laura W:

    I’d be delighted to. I haven’t done my random act of kindness for this week… I’ll email you tomorrow.

    The press here is reporting the Daschle thing as the end of Obama’s honeymoon period. We have our own fair share of maroons here as well – including an Opposition leader (think: Republican) who is trying to block our version of the stimulus bill. It seems like conservative parties everywhere are as stupid as each other.

  90. 90.

    SGEW

    Pee Ess: Acc. to CNN, Obama has become so transparent as to be rendered nearly invisible.

    Why does that sound so familiar?

    "Being invisible and without substance, a disembodied voice, as it were, what else could I do? What else but try to tell you what was really happening when your eyes were looking through?"

    – Ralph Ellison

  91. 91.

    Laura W

    @SGEW: Oh yeah. I remember that from the primaries now.
    Peggy Noogen said something equally as maroonish that was quoted on CNN in the same breath but I am not fully caffinated and couldn’t find it easily on the googles. She was on Morning Ho pimping her book on "grace" for the 87th month in a row but in a moment of self-discipline love, I clicked off.

  92. 92.

    Laura W

    Could be worse. I had a weirdo cousin who talked to his toys and also had an imaginary girl friend. They had to break up when he found out she wanted to raise the kids imaginary, too.

    This kind of stuff makes me mad I go to bed so early. That’s damn funny.

  93. 93.

    headpan

    Peggy Noogen said something equally as maroonish that was quoted on CNN in the same breath but I am not fully caffinated and couldn’t find it easily on the googles. She was on Morning Ho pimping her book on "grace" for the 87th month in a row but in a moment of self-discipline love, I clicked off.

    This woman makes me vomit – no one should be allowed to be cravenly melodramatic, cheesy and schmaltzy except me. :)

    I admire your fortitude in making it that far into the Ho interview before clicking off – hell, I admire you for just being able to stomach the Ho Show in the first place – my gut can longer take it but it’s a great way to lose weight if you are into bulimia

  94. 94.

    Tattoosydney

    Meanwhile, this is apparently not very newsworthy, as far as I have seen in my wander through the news websites. Far more important to focus on discussing whether Obama is a failed President …

    US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton called on Tuesday for "an independent and viable" Palestinian state in the West Bank and the Gaza Strip as the goal of a negotiated settlement with Israel.

    "We are looking to work with all parties to try to help them make progress toward a negotiated agreement that would end the conflict between Israel and the Palestinians," Clinton said as she stood next to Middle East envoy George Mitchell, who has just returned from his first trip to the region.

    She vowed to work with all the parties to "create an independent and viable (Palestinian) state in both the West Bank and Gaza, and provide Israel with the peace and security that it has sought".

  95. 95.

    Fulcanelli

    Well this does go a long way in explaining their reasoning in the voting booth, now doesn’t it?

    And if the dam breaks open many years too soon,
    And if there is no room upon the hill.
    And if your head explodes with dark forbodings too,
    I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon…

    I buried Paul, Goo Goo Goo Joob

    You win all the Internets with this thread, DougJ!

  97. 97.

    Fwiffo

    @DougJ

    Don’t forget: it was five months ago, almost to the very day, that Obama was elected. Makes you wonder.

    You’re the king.

  98. 98.

    Laura W

    @headpan: Please do not enable or encourage me with admiration.
    I should be pitied and you would be staging an intervention, if you really cared about me.
    (I actually flipped off as Mika was introducing her. Which was still way too far into the segment.)

  103. 103.

    Comrade Jake

    OT, but why the hell is Matt Lauer interviewing Laura Ingraham to get opinion on how Obama’s doing. Jesus fucking Christ.

  104. 104.

    Foxhunter

    Is this Schlussel character the same person who promoted the ultimate record buying con in the 80’s? You know, if you play ‘Another One Bites the Dust’ by Queen (tape or 45) backwards, you will hear the hidden message ‘time to smoke marijuana’?

    Good times.

  105. 105.

    headpan

    (I actually flipped off as Mika was introducing her. Which was still way too far into the segment.)

    Sorry, LauraW, you actually tuned in, so I am still in awe – I don’t recommend an intervention for purely selfish reasons – somebody has to watch these ninnies so I don’t have to.

  106. 106.

    headpan

    Comrade Jake
    OT, but why the hell is Matt Lauer interviewing Laura Ingraham to get opinion on how Obama’s doing. Jesus fucking Christ.

    Matt Lauer? Another brave soul hurls himself into the abyss of inanity in search of meaningful teevee political discourse — I bow before you, I am made of weaker stuff

  107. 107.

    Laura W

    @JL: Probably just two…me and TS. Because our linguistic skills are more refined than the average googler.

  108. 108.

    Mike in NC

    How long before Michelle Malkin is on Glen Beck’s show claiming Dora the Explorer is the advance scout for the hoards of Mexicans about to overrun our borders?

    Um, yesterday?

  109. 109.

    Cyrus

    @TenguPhule:

    That was obviously the reason behind the Sarah Palin windup doll.

    I am so, so proud that all you degenerates around here managed to resist temptation and not use this comment as a jumping-off point for some kind of sick joke about a Sarah Palin blow-up doll.

    Whoops.

  110. 110.

    Laura W

    @headpan:

    somebody has to watch these ninnies so I don’t have to.

    That’s what DougJ gets the big bucks for. Let’s outsource it to him.

  112. 112.

    JL

    Because of Obama’s election, all children can now aspire to become President except for one five month old babbling baby. His/her future is already tainted because of a few soundbites.

  113. 113.

    Jason F

    What really upsets me about this story is not there is an insane paranoid bigot who thinks Mattel and Nintendo have entered into a secret conspiracy to convert her child to Islam. What upsets me about this story is that there are serious journalists who think this is an important thing to report on. And it’s not a report along the lines of "Residents of Maple Avenue, be warned — your neighbor has insane delusions that the Muslims are coming to her through her toys." No, the journalists take the threat seriously, giving us incisive reporting like "Nintendo says iut doesn’t make the game, but if that’s true, why is the Nintendo logo on the box!?"

  114. 114.

    Objective Scrutator

    Guilty as charged, Fisher-Price. While the liberals here are going to stick their fingers in their ears and start screaming about how Islam is a religion of peace that goes along nicely with football (with their pinnacle being Troy Ponomalu), the rest of America realizes that the dolls are advocating evil. Liberals may think toy companies are infallible, holy agencies; in reality, they are subject to the same immoralities as the rest of America is.

    These dolls must be publicly burned, so that the mothers and daughters may have their vengeance.

Comments are closed.

Trackbacks