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You are here: Home / Speaking of Group Wanks

Speaking of Group Wanks

by John Cole|  June 15, 20099:38 am| 36 Comments

This post is in: Clown Shoes

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It’s the middle of June, so I’m assuming this Politico story is not a leftover April Fools Joke:

The hunks of Capitol Hill

Washington is a magical place, a place where the onetime victims of boyhood gym-locker entombment can grow up to become the objects of affection, admiration, compulsive fandom, BlogSpot pages and Cafe Press T-shirts.

It is, safe to say, the only place where Ari Fleischer could have a stalker.

The haters call Washington “Hollywood for ugly people,” but they’ve got it all wrong. Ugly is in the eye of the beholder, and the beholders inside the Beltway see beauty where others might miss it.

Beauty, says Tammy Haddad, is “the people who make things work in our town because they’re able to move and motivate masses of people, which is really extraordinary.”

Make it stop. I’m begging.

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Reader Interactions

36Comments

  1. 1.

    DougJ

    June 15, 2009 at 9:42 am

    boyhood gym-locker entombment

    What to say?

  2. 2.

    Napoleon

    June 15, 2009 at 9:45 am

    Ugly may usually be in the eye of the beholder, but in Ari F.’s case ugliness is an objective fact.

  3. 3.

    4tehlulz

    June 15, 2009 at 9:46 am

    Politico is a joke, so yeah….

  4. 4.

    eric

    June 15, 2009 at 9:54 am

    @DougJ: the funny thing is that politicians were not the class geeks. the class geeks are the people that still get made fun of today for being smart — people like biologists and physicists.

    politicians, no matter the stripe, and with but a few exceptions, are always the people that were doing things to get liked in school. Stuff like running for class president.

    geeks like me were looked down on my the future politicians and future car mechanics and future soldiers.

    eric

  5. 5.

    Lilly von Schtupp

    June 15, 2009 at 9:56 am

    It’s like they enjoy the smell of their own farts.

  6. 6.

    Crashman06

    June 15, 2009 at 9:56 am

    I hate Politico.

    I feel dumber after reading just that small excerpt.

  7. 7.

    Comrade Stuck

    June 15, 2009 at 9:57 am

    Revenge of the Turds

  8. 8.

    jenniebee

    June 15, 2009 at 10:04 am

    Why is the Politico cribbing from Winter Palace newsletters? The only thing that’s missing is a reference to our excellent friend Rasputin.

  9. 9.

    MacsenMifune

    June 15, 2009 at 10:25 am

    They’re right about one thing, Washington is a magical place. Where talent and ability are less important than kissing the ring of the powers that be. Can we stop taking politico serious now.

  10. 10.

    Mrs. Peel

    June 15, 2009 at 10:26 am

    the beholders inside the Beltway see beauty where others might miss it.

    In other words, if they were any more delusional they’d be on court ordered medication.

  11. 11.

    YellowJournalism

    June 15, 2009 at 10:29 am

    The haters call Washington “Hollywood for ugly people,” but they’ve got it all wrong. Ugly is in the eye of the beholder, and the beholders inside the Beltway see beauty where others might miss it.

    Can’t wait for the dirty pin-up calendar…I wonder who Mr. February will be?

  12. 12.

    Joshua Norton

    June 15, 2009 at 10:32 am

    Sounds like a certain columnist got lucky with someone very ugly last night.

  13. 13.

    Anoniminous

    June 15, 2009 at 10:40 am

    The ‘Fighting 101 Keyboard Warriors leaping into battle with Cheeto-stained lips’ message was getting stale?

    I think Politico is actually a front for Monty Python. Read the article while humming I’m a Lumberjack and The Truth will Out.

  14. 14.

    ironranger

    June 15, 2009 at 10:55 am

    I guess you’re saying this was not intentional satire.

  15. 15.

    Bill E Pilgrim

    June 15, 2009 at 11:05 am

    “Washington is a magical place” was pretty much all you needed to read.

    They “hunks” they talk about include Grover Norquist, Christopher Hitchens, and Chuck Todd?

    No, you’re right, whoever wrote that, DC is not Hollywood for ugly people.

    It’s Hollywood for crazy people.

  16. 16.

    airmon

    June 15, 2009 at 11:51 am

    Ari Fleischer’s stalker…

    I’m going to guess Jeff Gannon ( James Guckert )?

  17. 17.

    IndieTarheel

    June 15, 2009 at 11:53 am

    Well, they succeeded in one respect: this is impossible to parody in any meaningful way whatsoever.

  18. 18.

    Ash Can

    June 15, 2009 at 11:55 am

    It is, safe to say, the only place where Ari Fleischer could have a stalker.

    Ew. Just…ew.

  19. 19.

    asiangrrlMN

    June 15, 2009 at 12:21 pm

    @Ash Can: Double ew. Unless, by stalker, they mean someone who is determined to hold him accountable for all the lies he’s told. In that case, carry on!

    I grieve for the Onion. There is no way it can be more insanely stupid/funny than real “news” writers these days.

  20. 20.

    Phoebe

    June 15, 2009 at 12:26 pm

    At first I thought, ha ha, this is hilarious, make it continue and not stop ever! Then I clicked to the article and couldn’t get through it, as my head dropped in mortification for my species after reading something about cowboy boots. Or something. I’m blocking it out as I type this. Then I rallied just enough to scroll down like a coward, and saw Chuck Todd’s name in boldface.

    It’s tough stuff, and not for the sensitive flowers. Believe me.

  21. 21.

    TenguPhule

    June 15, 2009 at 2:18 pm

    I grieve for the Onion. There is no way it can be more insanely stupid/funny than real “news” writers these days.

    Actually, I think all of the Onion writers were just hired by Politico to avoid having to pay for real reporters.

  22. 22.

    Terry C

    June 15, 2009 at 2:53 pm

    Eric Cantor looks like someone who got stuffed in his locker a lot.

    By girls.

  23. 23.

    Political Pragmatist

    June 15, 2009 at 3:04 pm

    Lately Politico seems to have swerved farther to the right. Nearly every article is about the GOP or has a GOP talking point within it. Given they seem to be trying to attract conservatives, why would they not write something like this which tends to attract the dumbed-down crowd.

    Is Politico the next Drudge Report?

  24. 24.

    Glen Tomkins

    June 15, 2009 at 3:09 pm

    Animal magnetism

    What did such notable babe magnets of the past, who just happened to act and look like toads, such as Prince Rainier, King Farouk and Henry Kissinger, have that Ari ain’t got? “Power is the strongest aphrodisiac”, as Kissinger was fond of saying. And he oughta know, since it’s unlikely his powers of attraction rested on looks or a charming manner.

  25. 25.

    electrolite

    June 15, 2009 at 3:13 pm

    What?? They actually put Ari Fleischer — Ari Fleischer, who’s fucking uglier than sin dipped in misery — and “hunk” in the same parapraph? I can’t stop laughing! What’s next; a semi-nude photo spread of Grover Norquist?

  26. 26.

    CapMidnight

    June 15, 2009 at 3:30 pm

    Someone’s wearing their Kool-Aid goggles.
    Asking for a drown a small government bathtub swirly.
    Begging for an American flagpole run up their pants.

  27. 27.

    kth

    June 15, 2009 at 3:30 pm

    Beauty, says Tammy Haddad, is “the people who make things work in our town because they’re able to move and motivate masses of people, which is really extraordinary.”

    Beauty is when you would like to see the subject without his/her clothes, actually.

  28. 28.

    crater

    June 15, 2009 at 4:37 pm

    I just puked thru my nose.

  29. 29.

    demkat620

    June 15, 2009 at 4:53 pm

    I think I just threw up in my mouth.

    Ewwww!

  30. 30.

    melior

    June 15, 2009 at 5:18 pm

    But hold on now, Ari Fleischer was never by any stretch powerful except by proximity. He was just the bald, dissembling mouthpiece for the real power (and we all know who that was…): Let’s hear about how hawt Dick “Dick” Cheney’s stalkers think he is!

  31. 31.

    pseudonymous in nc

    June 15, 2009 at 5:19 pm

    Bullshittico is the Village’s own parish newsletter.

  32. 32.

    Oilfieldguy

    June 15, 2009 at 5:31 pm

    Oooh, pulp friction pr0n. I’m gettin’ a chubby over here.

    Um, Ari uses his personality for birth control and sex makes him cry–a typical side effect of pepper spray.

  33. 33.

    linda

    June 15, 2009 at 5:31 pm

    and all the wdc magpies think the politico is indispensable.

  34. 34.

    labradog

    June 15, 2009 at 5:37 pm

    These are the same stripe of pathetic PowerBrownNosers who swooned over FlightSuitPackageGeorge, and touted Don Rumsfeld – Don Rumsfeld! as (Christ, kill me, now) sexy.

    There is a highly sexualized sickness, at the highest levels of power, that makes any Castro District conga line, any GLBTQ Pride parade, seem Ward’n’June All-American Pie joyously wholesome, by comparison.

    What kind of kid ends up as a DC powerLobbyist? I’m guessing repeat-offender booger eaters, who figured it was easier to try to turn lunching on nasal mcnuggets from a bug to a feature, than it was to give up the snot-chomping.

    TerryC @ #22: RFO! Possibly girls a grade younger!

  35. 35.

    coozledad

    June 15, 2009 at 8:55 pm

    The people I went to school with who became politicians were basically thieves. One of them went on to work with Jesse Helms. The son of a bitch still owes my band around four thousand dollars he skimmed from us. But only if you subtract the repair bill for his car after we filled his gas tank with Dixie Crystals.
    No one ever stuck him in a locker. His goddamn head was too big.

  36. 36.

    kathleen

    June 16, 2009 at 7:42 am

    They’re all hall monitors.

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