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You are here: Home / Snack Attack

Snack Attack

by John Cole|  June 26, 20098:53 pm| 26 Comments

This post is in: Clown Shoes

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Wolverines:

Authorities said a couple got into a fight using Cheetos. The Bedford County Sheriff’s Department said a 40-year-old man and 44-year-old woman became involved in a ‘verbal altercation.’ Somehow, the orange puffy snacks were used in the assault.

I wonder what their Red State usernames are…

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Reader Interactions

26Comments

  1. 1.

    The Grand Panjandrum

    June 26, 2009 at 8:54 pm

    My only thought on this is I wonder what they have for their Red State usernames.

    Jake? Tapper?

    UPDATE: I shouldn’t harsh on my homey for flaming me on Twitter.

  2. 2.

    Comrade Stuck

    June 26, 2009 at 8:55 pm

    Assault with a deadly snack. That’ll get ya a year in mom’s basement with an internet connection to Pajamas Media.

  3. 3.

    The Grand Panjandrum

    June 26, 2009 at 9:04 pm

    @Comrade Stuck: Oy at least it’s not a connection to Our Lady of Perpetual Outrage.

    UPDATE: I almost Godwin’d this bad boy before it got going!

  4. 4.

    inkadu

    June 26, 2009 at 9:06 pm

    Why weren’t they tasered?

  5. 5.

    Comrade Stuck

    June 26, 2009 at 9:06 pm

    @The Grand Panjandrum:

    Tru dat!

  6. 6.

    Laura W

    June 26, 2009 at 9:07 pm

    At first I was disappointed, seeing the title and expecting a Hola Fruta confession or review.
    But this is funnier. Way funnier.

  7. 7.

    Jeremy

    June 26, 2009 at 9:13 pm

    Priceless. I laughed and spit cheeto crumbs all over my monitor.

  8. 8.

    freelancer

    June 26, 2009 at 9:17 pm

    I wonder what their Red State usernames are…

    Don’t kid yourself, they are most likely Warner Todd Huston’s home-schooled children. They could barely get the bag open, much less decipher a keyboard with buttons.

  9. 9.

    simonee

    June 26, 2009 at 9:22 pm

    Assault with Cheetos? If anything, that sounds more like an AOL user.

    A Red Stater would have used a gun.

  10. 10.

    demo woman

    June 26, 2009 at 9:33 pm

    They both posted a $2500 bond. Talk about expensive cheetos.

  11. 11.

    Cromagnon

    June 26, 2009 at 9:35 pm

    User names were:

    Im_a_wannabe

    and

    I_wish_I_had_the_balls_to_serve

  12. 12.

    Dave

    June 26, 2009 at 9:58 pm

    People, please. I’m saddened to be the first to have to say this. The dateline on the story indicates it happened in Tennessee.

    There is no one else it could be except the Ole Perfesser and Dr. Mrs. Ole Perfesser.

  13. 13.

    AkaDad

    June 26, 2009 at 10:05 pm

    The only bad thing about Cheetos is my orange penis.

  14. 14.

    JenJen

    June 26, 2009 at 10:50 pm

    Cheeto Assault is a serious matter. I was relieved laughed my ass off to read the best funniest line in the news account:

    “No one was hurt.”

  15. 15.

    JGabriel

    June 26, 2009 at 11:14 pm

    “No one was hurt.”

    You never know. Someone could have lost an eye.

    .

  16. 16.

    Gordon, The Big Express Engine

    June 26, 2009 at 11:31 pm

    @AkaDad: Heh

  17. 17.

    LD50

    June 26, 2009 at 11:36 pm

    @AkaDad: Why’s that bad?

  18. 18.

    Yukoner

    June 26, 2009 at 11:41 pm

    Okay, I have finaly figured out that all this talk about “Cheetos” on Balloon Juice. You guys are talking about Cheezies! Cheezies for crying in the beer! And all along I though it was some odd American cultural reference to people who cheat. I really should use the Google more.

  19. 19.

    Death By Mosquito Truck

    June 27, 2009 at 12:11 am

    Next time use popcorn, a salt and buttery snack.

  20. 20.

    Moonbatting Average

    June 27, 2009 at 1:16 am

    No one was hurt

    I dunno, I think I sprained something laughing
    …
    I should have known you would be all over this before I e-mailed it to you, John… I fail at life

  21. 21.

    JenJen

    June 27, 2009 at 4:24 am

    Speaking of Snack Food Intrigue, I’m concerned we’re beginning to see a trend:

    Oklahoma City woman trades sex for case of Frito-Lay chips

    Jimmy Fallon’s monologue on this the other night killed me: “A woman in Oklahoma was arrested for prostitution after agreeing to be paid for her services with a case of Frito-Lay chips. The judge sentenced her to 90 days of having to tell people that.”

  22. 22.

    evie

    June 27, 2009 at 4:35 am

    hahahahahahaha!

    long time lurker, since Terry Schiavo, and John still anR.

    I love this place!
    peace, Evie

  23. 23.

    D-Chance.

    June 27, 2009 at 7:44 am

    Well, this is as good an “open thread” as any…

    Malkin is looking for a few more good Roeders. Why else the “WANTED” poster? That type of propaganda is part and parcel of what the anti-abortionists used in the lead up to various assassination and assassination attempts.

  24. 24.

    YellowJournalism

    June 27, 2009 at 11:18 am

    Sounds like Britney Spears’s real parents have finally been found!

  25. 25.

    Dream On

    June 27, 2009 at 7:34 pm

    If Cheetos are outlawed, only outlaws will have Cheetos.

  26. 26.

    grumpy realist

    June 28, 2009 at 7:56 am

    Now what I want to do is Photoshop together a modern version of Alma-Tadema’s “The Roses of Heliobagus” involving Our Lady of Perpetual Outrage, The Doughy Pantload, Bible Spice, The Great White Hunter, She Who Shall Not Be Named, and TONS of Cheetos….

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