Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Is it negotiation when the other party actually wants to shoot the hostage?

Whatever happens next week, the fight doesn’t end.

I would try pessimism, but it probably wouldn’t work.

This fight is for everything.

How any woman could possibly vote for this smug smarmy piece of misogynistic crap is beyond understanding.

Good lord, these people are nuts.

Let me eat cake. The rest of you could stand to lose some weight, frankly.

When we show up, we win.

You can’t attract Republican voters. You can only out organize them.

We need to vote them all out and restore sane Democratic government.

We can’t confuse what’s necessary to win elections with the policies that we want to implement when we do.

The snowflake in chief appeared visibly frustrated when questioned by a reporter about egg prices.

Give the craziest people you know everything they want and hope they don’t ask for more? Great plan.

We’re watching the self-immolation of the leading world power on a level unprecedented in human history.

🎶 Those boots were made for mockin’ 🎵

Weird. Rome has an American Pope and America has a Russian President.

The most dangerous place for a black man in America is in a white man’s imagination.

the 10% who apparently lack object permanence

Prediction: the gop will rethink its strategy of boycotting future committees.

You are either for trump or for democracy. Pick one.

Republicans don’t lie to be believed, they lie to be repeated.

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”

“Everybody’s entitled to be an idiot.”

Usually wrong but never in doubt

You are here: Home / Politics / Media / I smell a reality show

I smell a reality show

by | 53 Comments

This post is in: 

Kaplan is hiring (via MY):

Use the entry form to send us a short opinion essay (400 words or less) pegged to a topic in the news and an additional paragraph (100 words or less) on yourself and why you should win. Entries will be judged on the basis of style, intelligence and freshness of argument, but not on whether Post editors agree or disagree with your point of view. Entry deadline: Oct. 21, 2009 at 11:59 p.m. ET.

[….]

The ultimate winner will get the opportunity to write a weekly column that may appear in the print and/or online editions of The Washington Post, paid at a rate of $200 per column, for a total of 13 weeks and $2,600. Our Opinions lineup includes a dozen Pulitzer Prize winners, regulars on the national political talk shows and some of the most influential players inside the Beltway. We’ll set our promising pundit on a path to become the next byline in demand, the talking head every show wants to book, the voice that helps the country figure out what’s really going on.

This means Liz Cheney said “no” to the gig. My guess is that we get either a McArdle-style “independent” or a full-blown tea-bagger.

The good news is that this is easier than getting a job teaching SAT prep classes. The bad news is that it pays less.

Reader Interactions

53Comments

  2. 2.

    DougJ

    DougJ you must . . . must . . . make a spoof attempt at this contest.

    Let’s put our heads together and try coming up with a topic.

  6. 6.

    noncarborundum

    This raises the question: how hard would it be to take up a collection every week, outbid the WaPo, and pay Krauthammer, Broder or [insert name of crappy columnist here]; not to write a column that week?

  7. 7.

    dmsilev

    @DougJ: Why not combine the two? “Enhanced interrogation of environmentalists will demonstrate the intrinsic falsehood of man-made ‘global warming’.”

    -dms

  8. 8.

    DougJ

    Maybe an all-purpose “the world is evil and Obama doesn’t get it” piece with the title “Something wicked this way comes.”

    The kicker is that it will be written by a “liberal who voted for Obama” and it will mention both Hitler and Scoop Jackson.

  11. 11.

    SGEW

    “Obama’s Transnationalist Climate Boondoggle Exposes His Marxist Fascism. Also: We Should Torture People.” By Joseph A. Irredento.

  12. 12.

    SpotWeld

    Perhaps the topic about “The fact that Barack Obama has not pointed out that he is fact ‘not’ getting economic advice from an invisble 6′ tall white rabbit only shows how much contempt he has for Jimmy Stewart”

    Also, does this job come with all the wingnut gravy you can eat?

  15. 15.

    Cat Lady

    The kicker is that it will be written by a “liberal who voted for Obama” and it will mention both Hitler and Scoop Jackson.

    Work in Michael Jackson and it’s a slam dunk. Can’t wait for your “chats”.

  16. 16.

    DougJ

    The most fun would be to turn it into a kind of conservative bingo where we mention as many catchphrases as possible: “we are all ____ now”, “no one could have predicted”, “bear DNA”, Hitler, Burke, etc.

  17. 17.

    Ash Can

    Or you could write a column explaining why newspapers need to be more receptive to, and inclusive of, the information and viewpoints found in right-wing blogs. The folks at the WaPo will say, “Ooh, just what I was thinking too; he’d be a great fit!” They’d fall over themselves to give you the gig, then quickly find themselves with their punk asses punked. It’d be grand.

  18. 18.

    SpotWeld

    Gotta make a reference to the “wisdom of the founding fathers” without actually stating what that wisdom was or naming a specific founding father.

  19. 19.

    DougJ

    Or you could write a column explaining why newspapers need to be more receptive to, and inclusive of, the information and viewpoints found in right-wing blogs.

    Yeah, I agree, that should be part of whatever the essay is.

    I’m thinking now of titling it “Slouching towards Munich” and focusing on appeasement.

  21. 21.

    SGEW

    Wonkette brings their fine snark to the conversation:

    . . . the Washington Post, which your Wonkette Fact-Checking Desk has Googled and apparently used to be some sort of newspaper, back in the 70s.

    Oh! Priceless.

  22. 22.

    dmsilev

    It’s too bad that the entry deadline is before the release date of Sarah Palin’s book. I’m sure that will be the motherlode of incoherent wingnut babble, and hence would be perfect as an inspiration source.

    -dms

  23. 23.

    SGEW

    Also required in the opinion piece: egregious false equivalences, glaring historical omissions, out of context appeals to authority, and at least three demonstrably false statements.

  24. 24.

    Ed Drone

    Dear Penthouse. When I started investigating so-called global warming and the threat it holds for individual property rights, I never expected it to lead to …

    Ed

  27. 27.

    Corner Stone

    There is one, and only one, title that will guarantee acceptance for publishing:
    “When America Was Free – why a disappointed Democrat believes only a return to the policies of Reagan can save our nation”

  29. 29.

    Brick Oven Bill

    If some guy starts writing about windmills and oil shale in the Washington Post, then you will know.

  32. 32.

    Martin

    I see BOB beat me to it.

    BOB, I think there’s a great need for Americans to wake up to the triple threat facing our great nation:

    1) The tractor gap
    2) The vast leftwing conspiracy against our thermostats
    3) The ruination of the US economy by not indexing to the material cost of pizza.

    Leave the birther stuff out, that’s sooo 1980 (Señor Ronaldo Reagan has a certain ring to it, no)

    ¿Who stole the edit button again?

  34. 34.

    Scruffy McSnufflepuss

    Here’s what I came up with, Doug. My favorite topic.

    “I read recently that the corpse of Copernicus was finally discovered and positively identified. In my humble opinion, this is our chance to finally punish that awful, awful man for his crimes against God.

    “Copernicus is the man responsible for the mass acceptance of the doctrine of Heliocentrism, the notion that the Earth revolves around the Sun. Nothing could be further from the truth. As both Scripture and the works of Ptolemy and Tycho Brahe inform us, the Earth is the center of the Universe. The Sun and the other Heavenly bodies revolve around us. We are the centerpiece of Creation, and mathematics bear that out.

    “Even the college planetarium is designed from the proper, geocentric worldview. This shows that astronomers and astrophysicists, in their unguarded moments when they are not reflexively defending their atheistic, pseudoscientific Helio”centrist” doctrines, concede that the Earth is the true center of Creation.

    “I see no need for further proof than that confession- eloquent, in that it is unspoken- from the world’s self-styled “scientists.” The Earth is the center of the Universe. For purposes of mathematics, it may sometimes seem more convenient to posit that the Universe has no center. But when dealing with something as important as God’s Firmaments, I think it is very important that we not sacrifice accuracy for mathematical convenience. History shows us that, too often, shortcuts result in idle hands; and idle hands are the Devil’s Playthings.

    “Copernicus is the one who brought this evil into the world. Copernicus is the man responsible for Helio”centrism”- which is a biased way of describing the Leftism at the core of this God-less, atheist doctrine. Copernicus is the man most directly responsible. And, though he be dead, he should still be punished for the wickedness he brought in to the world. We must desecrate his corpse in the most dramatic fashion possible, so as to deter future wrongdoing on the part of his atheist, nihilist, Darwinist, deviant adherents.

    “I have no doubt that cadres of Helioleftists will disagree with my conclusions. Certainly, the Danish government may not agree to it, either. But in the words of Barry Goldwater, “Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice.” There is no greater freedom than the worship of God, no greater vice than blasphemy.

    “God bless America.”

    I need a fake address and phone number to go with it, though.

  35. 35.

    Midnight Marauder

    @SGEW:

    Also required in the opinion piece: egregious false equivalences, glaring historical omissions, out of context appeals to authority, and at least three demonstrably false statements.

    There also definitely needs to be some Hoekstroika action.

  36. 36.

    Scruffy McSnufflepuss

    Here’s why I should win the contest:

    “I should win because I am an American who cares about reality and the truth. I am a voice crying out in the wilderness on behalf of millions of Christian Americans who don’t like the way this country is headed, and want to do something about it.

    “If my words seem harsh, it’s because my people have been treated harshly. Harsh times call for harsh words and, sometimes, harsh measures. Americans understand this, though, even if coastal elites and other degenerates shake their heads in condescending smugness at us. America knows better.”

    Now, if only I had a genuine name, address, and phone number…

  37. 37.

    SGEW

    A real life example, from one of the winners of Mitt Romney’s essay contest:

    “The ultimate and real strength of America lies not in her military might or economic prosperity — but in her families and faith in God. American families face unprecedented attacks from higher tax burdens, welfare policies that reward illegitimacy and activist judges who want to re-define marriage.”

    That’s how you do it, folks. (via David Rees’ mnftiu)

  39. 39.

    Scruffy McSnufflepuss

    I think I’d be a great columnist for the Washington Post. America would finally get to hear about all the things the Coastal Lie-berals don’t want it to hear about.

    For example, any idiot with a microscope can see that humans are 99.whatever% genetically identical to chimps. But so what? Does that prove evolution? I submit that it does not. It only proves that God lets Satan tinker with DNA. This is also why we have genetic mutations, cancer, and other nastiness.

    DNA is, functionally, a plague. God is the cure. In Heaven, no one will have DNA. DNA strands will be left on Earth with the monkey corpses and the sorrowful demons. Heaven is not a place for DNA, or for parasites like mitochondria.

    I’d like to see a Darwinist argue with THAT.

  40. 40.

    asiangrrlMN

    Here’s a thought:

    Like Forrest Gump said, “Life is like a summer’s evening. Life is how you feel right now.” How I feel right now: I feel the need, the need for speed. And, the need to speak the truthiness of what it means to be a real American. I’m proud to be an American, and never more proud than the day John McCain won the presidency of the United States.

    That’s just an excerpt. It can be signed Joe Etatrouge.

  41. 41.

    Ambergris

    Hmm, how about something like “Obama’s un-american quest to host the internationalist Olympic Games in Chicago (out of all towns, why Chicago?) is just another obvious step towards fascism as it is meant to glorify a national-socialist agenda reminiscient of Berlin in 1936.”

  42. 42.

    DZ

    The little biography piece has been overlooked. How about:

    I am a very affluent, ivy-educated, leftwing atheist. I spend every day drinking Chateau Mouton and dreaming of ways to screw rural Americans.

    Well, the first sentence is mostly accurate. Guess I wouldn’t get published, huh?

  43. 43.

    Stefan

    The ultimate and real strength of America lies not in her military might or economic prosperity — but in her families and faith in God.

    This was unfortunately proven false on June 5, 1944 when three full divisons of God-fearing American families hit the beaches of Normandy and were promptly cut down by German machine gun and artillery fire. The next day we tried it with the military and it went much better.

  47. 47.

    ThatLeftTurnInABQ

    @Stefan:

    This was unfortunately proven false on June 5, 1944 when three full divisons of God-fearing American families hit the beaches of Normandy and were promptly cut down by German machine gun and artillery fire. The next day we tried it with the military and it went much better.

    See, now this is one of the reasons why I love this site. Come for the snark, stay for the counter-factual history lessons.

  48. 48.

    Scruffy McSnufflepuss

    One of us should be able to provide one.

    If somebody wants to just steal my essay and run with it, that’d work just as well.

    Firmament science, like Creation Science, deserves to be taught in schools. Don’t force our kids to swallow liberal PR in science classes- teach the controversy!

  49. 49.

    Morfydd

    “This was unfortunately proven false on June 5, 1944 when three full divisons of God-fearing American families hit the beaches of Normandy and were promptly cut down by German machine gun and artillery fire. The next day we tried it with the military and it went much better.”

    I just burst out laughing in public, here in Hamburg. I will never say this again, but thank God my German isn’t good enough to explain to the people looking at me funny…

  50. 50.

    Anonymous visitor from Sadly, No!

    How are the readers supposed to react to this news that rather than pay for journamalism to fill in the spaces between the advertisements, the management is going to spendtheir subscriptions the advertisers’ money to hire another opinionator? It seems a tad insulting. I mean, if I wanted information-free opinions, I can go down to the pub.

  52. 52.

    folkbum

    The good news is that this is easier than getting a job teaching SAT prep classes. The bad news is that it pays less.
    I dunno. I taught Kaplan SAT prep classes for a while, and I didn’t make anywhere near this kind of money. Parents were dropping $1200 a kid for that class–someone was getting rich and it wasn’t me.

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