I gotta admit, I didn’t see this coming:
Conservative Bible Project From Conservapedia
Liberal bias has become the single biggest distortion in modern Bible translations. There are three sources of errors in conveying biblical meaning:
* lack of precision in the original language, such as terms underdeveloped to convey new concepts of Christianity
* lack of precision in modern language
* translation bias in converting the original language to the modern one.Of these three sources of errors, the last introduces the largest error, and the biggest component of that error is liberal bias. Large reductions in this error can be attained simply by retranslating the KJV into modern English.
You just can not make this shit up.
(via)
jibeaux
Wow, the King James Version is in “the original language”, huh? Very skolarly.
Davis X. Machina
When I was a TA teaching Latin down south at an Enormous State University, several of the practice sentences in the text were famous quotations from Jerome’s Vulgate. I was asked annually “Who translated, and for what earthly audience, the KJV into Latin?”
mcc
So… do I understand this correctly that when they say “retranslation”, they don’t mean “we’re making a new translation from original sources”, but rather “we’re taking the translated King James’ Version and rewriting it in modern english, changing the things we don’t like as we go”?
mclaren
But when are they gonna start rewriting the laws of physics to get rid of that pesky liberal bias?
DougJ
They should probably do this with the constitution too.
russell
Shoot me now.
nitpicker
This will end up being the opposite of the “Jefferson Bible,” since the most liberal figure in the Bible is Jesus. Their Bible will end up being Leviticus + the epistles of Paul.
Josh
Wait, what language do they think the KJV is in? Middle English?
The Moar You Know
A: These people are insane. Truly and totally insane.
B: I’m no religious scholar, but I have read the Bible and I recall some very specific injunctions against exactly this kind of activity.
C: Just exactly how many of the direct quotations of Jesus will be left? I’m betting not many, he seems like kind of a liberal and merciful guy.
D: These people are insane. Truly and totally insane. I said that already? Well, to be honest I’m not sure it can be said enough. These people are insane. Truly and totally insane.
Michael
If it isn’t true, it may be the best street theater I’ve ever seen.
LOL
dr. bloor
I am pretty sure that “Love thy neighbor,” is a mistranslation of the original “Waterboard that fucking Islamofascist scum. Also.”
The Grand Panjandrum
@DougJ:
They did, it was called the Bush/Cheney administration.
Crashman06
@mcc: I think that’s what they’re saying. It’s safe to assume that this is their only option, since anyone dumb enough to undertake a project like this almost certainly doesn’t know how to read or translate Aramaic.
Politically Lost
One thing that never ceases to amaze me is the conservative evangelical Christians that either don’t understand the sermon on the mount or ignore it, or both.
Holding contradictory ideas is the cornerstone of the authoritarian mindset.
Jesus is a DFH if there ever was one. How the sermon on the mount translates into mega churches, pantie sniffing, destroying the environment, denying science and getting rich on the backs of the poor I’ll never know.
Dreggas
Ya know, I am distantly related to the Zonderfan’s, ya know the ones who print the most bible’s etc. From my recollection those relations are not the most liberal.
Loneoak
Matthew 5 (King James Wingnut Version)
Matthew 5
1And seeing the
multitudes18 gazillion teabaggers, he went up into amountainpickup truck: and when he was set, his disciples came unto him:2And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying,
3Blessed are the
poor in spiritkerners: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.4Blessed are they that
mournforward wingnut emails: for they shall becomforteddeleted by their relatives.5Blessed are the
meekestate tax evaders: for they shall inherit the earth.6Blessed are they which do
hungereat Cheetos and thirst afterrighteousnessCode Red Mountain Dew: for they shall be filled.7Blessed are the
mercifulsnide and angry: for they shall obtainmercyairtime on Fox.8Blessed are the pure in
hearthatred: for they shall see God.9Blessed are the
peacemakersgun colelctors: for they shall be called the children ofGodHeston.10Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. ALSO, TOO.
RSA
I can see the problem here–you know how Shakespeare’s later plays, which were written at the same time that the KJV was being written, are completely incomprehensible to modern audiences. For what it’s worth, in any “re”translation, I want more explosions and shit.
mantis
under “Advantages to a Conservative Bible Online”
this would bring the Bible to a new audience of political types, for their benefit; Bible courses in college Politics Departments would be welcome
If only the bible were more conservative, then they could teach it in Poli-Sci classes!
Mayken
Yes, because the King James Version has no bias at all!
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?
mantis
the ensuing debate would flesh out — and stop — the infiltration of churches by liberals pretending to be Christian, much as a vote by legislators exposes the liberals
Evangelism. You’re doing it wrong.
zmulls
After all “Turn the other cheek” is both liberal *and* homoerotic
Mayken
@Mayken: not to mention that pesky bit about not being the original language but others already brought that point up.
calipygian
Anyway to get rid of that lie-brul sounding Jesus character? He has much of a touch of Teh Ghey to me
GambitRF
If you just slapped the banner from The Onion at the top of that page, no one would question it. Literally impossible for a parody to be more absurd.
There’s so much funny stuff throughout the page:
-The completely conflicting “10 guidelines”: It shouldn’t be dumbed down, but it should avoid “liberal wordiness.” (Which apparently includes saying “Lord God” instead of “Lord.” …The hell?) Also, they want to get rid of defective translations, but they also at the same time want to make it more modernized (“gambling” instead of “cast lot”)
-In their “benefits include:” list, they pretty much say flat out that one of the reasons they’re doing it is because it would piss liberals off and make them want to try and refute their version, thus making all the dirty, hippie, atheists want to read the Bible. Its so crafty, mwahahaha
-The first example of liberal bias is Jesus saying “”Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” Apparently Jesus being forgiving isn’t really what you’re supposed to take from the Gospel, rather its mere liberal trickery.
I really don’t think you could make this up if you tried.
Midnight Marauder
This is the only question I’ve had since I read about this:
I thought that these types belived in the inerrancy of The Bible. Silly me, I thought that was actually kind of important to “conservatives” today.
So what, then, do these people now have to say about the inerrancy of The Bible, if it is so deficient that it needs rescuing from the tentacles of evil liberals?
Wag
Sure you can. The wingnuts will then do something so much more inane/stupid that anything that you have made up will palin (oops, pale in) comparision, but you CAN make this shit up.
Skippy
Just wait till the penny finally drops about Jesus. I mean, the man had long hair, wore sandals, talked about peace and love all the time, and rebelled against his parents. He was totally a DFH.
Polish the Guillotines
@DougJ: Sweet! The Conservatution!
Me first:
SpotWeld
@mclaren: I hate to break this to you, but Conservapedia already states that the Theory of Relativty has a liberal bias, as evidenced by it’s use to justify moral relativity and somehow abortion.
See:
http://rationalwiki.com/wiki/Conservapedia:Einstein_and_Relativity,_Censorship_of
Also, this really isn’t a surprise, Adrew Schafley was pointing out how the “Adultress Story” was “too liberal” to really be part of the bible back in March of ’07.
See: http://rationalwiki.com/wiki/Conservapedia:Bible,_the,_Rewriting_to_Suit_one%27s_Political_Outlook
GambitRF
@Midnight Marauder:
They believe in the inerrancy of the version that they’re about to make up.
Bullsmith
According to some link I followed, this project was infiltrated by satirists at some earlier point. And very likely is again. I mean, how would you tell?
Sentient Puddle
Not too shocking to me. I’ve seen for a while now how the more fundamentalist varieties of Protestants swear by the King James and look at any other version as toilet paper. This is just the first time that I’ve seen it given a political slant (but seriously, if we’re talking fundamentalists, you could see this coming a mile away).
I think they do have half a point. King James isn’t the easiest translation to read because it really is that archaic. And they do seem to recognize that translation does invariably alter meanings. Problem is, they don’t seem to get the glaring implication of that last part: you’re changing the fucking meaning. I’m not sure how a group of what I assume to be literalists (which is a pretty safe assumption) justifies doing something to change the bloody meaning of the text. They might as well just rewrite the Bible from scratch while they’re at it.
El Tiburon
You can but they would throw you in the loony bin.
calipygian
How are they going to change that part in Genesis where Abraham gets jiggy with his daughters to make it Conservative? Make Abraham wear two wetsuits and have one daughter ram a dildo up his ass?
Penfold
@Crashman06:
I thought the ealiest source version, aside from Hebrew stuff, of the Bible was the Greek one.
@Davis X. Machina:
That’s really frightening.
mantis
-The first example of liberal bias is Jesus saying “”Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” Apparently Jesus being forgiving isn’t really what you’re supposed to take from the Gospel, rather its mere liberal trickery.
Actually, this objection goes back a ways. It’s the primary objection of those who still want to blame the Jews for the death of Jesus. It’s tougher to justify and continue centuries of oppression of Jews when Jesus specifically says to forgive them. Ok, it’s not really tougher, but that line is just so annoying!
El Cruzado
Hard to believe it’s not a spoof, but not too hard either.
BongCrosby
I, for one, am looking forward to the part where Jesus throws the panhandlers out of the temple.
Genine
I think the cognitive dissonance is getting to conservatives. All the “heal the sick and help the poor” talk from Jesus gets in the way of getting their agenda across- which is the opposite.
I wish I could say this surprises me… it doesn’t.
Wag
Well, sure, why not? Get’s you past all that tough thinking stuff.
Molly
@Politically Lost: “Jesus is a DFH if there ever was one. How the sermon on the mount translates into mega churches, pantie sniffing, destroying the environment, denying science and getting rich on the backs of the poor I’ll never know.”
Simple answer: It doesn’t translate.
Jesus was a liberal. Just ask the Romans.
Skippy
It’s getting to the point now where the wingnuts will soon accuse English of having a liberal bias. And that would really make their heads explode, seeing how Keeping America Speaking English has been one of many racist cornerstones of the GOP platform.
jrosen
“Another sidenote is that the Liberal/ Socialist interpretation of the Bible doesn’t mention the United States or America at all, this of course will be changed in the new improved version of the Bible. ”
This has to be snark! Somebody is doing a great leg-pull.
My suggestion: For “Lord” use “His Noodliness!”
I’m a recently converted Pastafarian and we need a Bible too.
gnomedad
Fixed. This is gonna be good.
Danton
I can’t wait to read the conservative Song of Solomon. And Revelations should be… uh… interesting. But I have a feeling the project will stall in the middle of Genesis.
neil
This is all you need to teach you the concept of cognitive dissonance.
There’s a liberal bias in the Bible, all right.
Penfold
@calipygian:
You know, given some of the other shit in that book, I don’t know if it would really stick out. Though, the wetsuits are anachronistic.
But, you know what all this reminds me of? Douglas Adams.
It’ll be interesting to see what their 99% Jesus-free bible looks like. Damn DFH.
Quicksand
I can’t wait to see the results of this.
Current versions of the bible aren’t misogynistic, homophobic, xenophobic, and violent enough for you? Check out the Book of Rambo, the story of Jesus and his 12
apostlesheavily armed militiamen.Ben
@GambitRF & @SpotWeld: Scholars of such things consider the passages you’re talking to be later inclusions. But those scholars are clearly liberals or they wouldn’t be critiquing the literal words of God. So these folks are accepting liberal critique in pursuit of de-liberalizing the Bible. Clearly cognitive dissonance is their true area of specialization.
Polish the Guillotines
@BongCrosby:
FTW.
GambitRF
I dunno what they’re going to do about the whole “its harder for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the gates of heaven” thing. Maybe they’ll just say they were really talking specifically about George Soros.
Leo
I’m not totally sure yet, but on a first reading I think this may be my favorite thing ever in the entire world.
Bubblegum Tate
@BongCrosby:
And the part where he tells the lepers to get a job!
GusThePrimate
>>”… the biggest component of that error is liberal bias. Large reductions in this error can be attained simply by retranslating the KJV into modern English.”
Who knew evil liberals were running amok in England four centuries ago?
Seriously, I think we must attribute this and similar examples of Raving Dumbness to the fact that a lot of kids educated in home schooling or in those so-called Christian schools have come of age, and are now revealing that their education focused on belief rather than reality.
Can’t wait to see how the Beatitudes fare. “Blessed are the profit takers”?
JGabriel
That would be the same KJV that translates the Greek word for rope as “camel”?
They really are completely clueless.
.
JackieBinAZ
They don’t actually need to change the beatitudes, just clarify that Jesus didn’t mean for them to apply to Republicans.
WMass
Jesus wasn’t some long haired hippie, He rode around on a Tyrannosaurus Rex slaughtering liberals with a flamethrower in one hand and an 12 guage in the other. Don’t you potheads know anything?
Dave L
This is (almost) beyond belief:
So I checked their preferred original source, the King James Bible, and here’s what that fallen liberal screed had:
“Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.”
In other words, this isn’t remotely a re-translation project. This is about making up a Bible that matches their prejudices. To put it in their own terms, it is radically liberal in nature.
Qbert
For instance that line about the rich man and the camel getting through the eye of a needle, conveniently conceals the fact that back in the Biblical era, needles were fucking HUGE.
asiangrrlMN
Bwahahahahahahaha (deep breath) hahahahahahahahaha!
Best laugh I’ve had in ages. I can’t wait to read it!
Roger Moore
@calipygian:
That’s actually Lot, not Abraham. Abraham was the one whose wife asked him to bonk her servant so he could have a son, only to get pissed at the servant when she started acting uppity after the plan succeeded.
@GambitRF:
You messed up the quote. It’s easier for the camel to pass through the eye of the needle than for a rich man to enter heaven, not harder. I think they can change that one just by changing “rich” to “poor”; it’s certainly much closer to conservative philosophy.
slag
Is this going to be the kind of thing in which the wingnuts “interpret the Bible literally”? Because I hear that’s actually the province of liberal fascists.
Pasquinade
Everyone should send the link to this thread to the religion columnists/editors of their local papers.
Zuzu's Petals
Having grown up with the KJV, I have to admit I’m partial to the language. But I don’t kid myself on the accuracy of the translation.
Especially after hearing what my Jewish friends have to say about it. Really, they have to bite their tongues.
Yaco
The definitive modern translation of the bible:
http://www.lolcatbible.com/
ThatLeftTurnInABQ
@Bullsmith:
I’m guessing that somewhere about halfway through the Epistle of Saint Paul to the Pacific Northwest Arboreal Octupus, some of the sharper ones will begin to smell a rat…
calipygian
Sorry for the mix up. There are so many people in the Bible fucking people they shouldn’t be fucking, it may as well be CPAC.
Deschanel
I’m looking forward to the scene where Jesus gives a flowery speech admiring the free-market money-changers in the Temple, and inviting them to ring the bell in the Temple gift shop. Which we all know is the Biblical origin of that NY Stock Exchange tradition.
valdivia
first they came for the science texbooks, and I did not speak out—because I was not a scientist;
Then they came for the history textbooks, and I did not speak out—because I was not a historian;
Then they came for the Bible—and there was no one left to speak out for it since all sense of truth and proportion was lost a long time ago.
cursorial
I think you’re rushing to judgement. I for one look forward to finding out where Jesus would set marginal tax rates.
(I was curious whether this was partly satire, and can’t tell – but the dialogue on conservapedia itself is pretty amusing.)
BDeevDad
Put this together with the why Jews vote liberal posts and there could be an aha moment.
Zuzu's Petals
@Danton:
Speaking of the book ofRevelation:
Zam
The story of Jesus and the Wolverines!
Comrade Dread
You know, I recall that there is a verse in the bible that says adding or taking away from the words of the book will result in some very bad things for your soul.
If trying to meld Randian free market philosophy with the teachings of Jesus (whose early followers practiced a form of consensual communism) isn’t adding, I don’t know what is.
Rommie
It worked out eventually for Joseph Smith, even if he was quite dead by the time it really caught on. Maybe they think they can do the Church of the Real JC quicker with modern tools.
calipygian
geg6
I really don’t even know what the hell to say about this. I mean, I HATE religion. All of them. I think they are all a big joke. But I never thought I’d see believers making a bigger joke of one of their holy books than I would. This should send all but the Southern Baptists into freakin’ orbit. You think the schism between the Shiaa and the Sunnis creates problems in the world? You ain’t seen nothin’ yet, folks. Holy shit, are these people stupid.
calipygian
@calipygian: Fixed
parksideq
@Dave L: This.
At first I just giggled at the inanity of it all, but then I realized that shit like this is exactly why I’m agnostic now, and it only made me feel pity for anyone that still buys into the crap about the Bible’s infallibility.
Between this load of epic fail and the threat of Sarah-geddon, I fear the wingularity is fast upon us.
Comrade Sock Puppet of the Great Satan
“How are they going to change that part in Genesis where Abraham gets jiggy with his daughters to make it Conservative? ”
Lot getting jiggy with his daughters, actually.
Well, you see it was the wanton teenagers getting broody while they were in the wilderness and getting Daddy drunk so they could engender babies. Single mothers, you see.
I’m sure they’ll make it into a parable for abstinence and against Roe v. Wade.
[Doubtlessly Lot’s daughters had read some morally degenerate cuneiform tablets from some feminist Assyrian priestess encouraging single parenthood or something.]
Libertini
@Politically Lost: What. you. said. I am otherwise speechless. FWIW, I am very liberal, and I prefer the King James version.
Neal
@Comrade Dread
Not only are you correct, but if you go to the actual Conservative Bible page you’ll see that they quote it to scare off would-be vandals:
PanAmerican
<
p.a.
blessed are the cheesemakers…
agreed. is there a word for ‘un-parody-able’? i would love to see Idle, Palin, Cleese and Jones do a skit sitting around ‘conservafying’ the bible. i’m gonna have to work on some neologisms.
Brachiator
This has got to be a joke.
There are evangelicals who learn Greek, Latin and Hebrew in order to read earlier texts. I cannot imagine what kind of wingnut cave people are holed up in who seriously believe that simply re-translating the KJV would be meaningful in any way.
How about an elvish translation?
calipygian
Imagine their surprise when they find out that Mary wasn’t a virgin, but merely a young woman who hadn’t given birth yet.
Irregardless
As an aside, I look forward to the new shortest verse after the re-write.
John 11:
35: Jesus wept.
36: Also.
Gwangung
I mean, isn’t this LITERALLY blasphemy?
Irregardless
Gwangung, it is…
Revelation 22:18-19 says:
For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book:
And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.
Brachiator
@calipygian:
I don’t know why the fact that King James was most likely one of teh gays doesn’t make their heads explode.
That’s right. One of the most magnificent translations of the Bible into English was commissioned by a homosexual.
Xecky Gilchrist
I didn’t see this coming either. I guess it does make sense in one twisted way – Biblical Literalism = if the Bible doesn’t literally say what you want it to, change what it says.
handy
There’s been a lot of it in this thread already, but this is Grade A Win right here.
New Yorker
I’m looking forward to the re-write of the Gospel of John, where Jesus and the “disciple Jesus loved” both get sent to camp to be cured, Ted Haggard-style.
Earl
Seriously?
They’ve been making this shit up for two thousand years+ now…
tc125231
What these arse-wipes REALLY mean is that Jesus Christ was a communist, and they want to “fix” his teachings.
E.g. The Grand Inquisitor is reborn.
Basically, they think Christianity would be one HECK of a religion, except for the inluence of its pinko founder.
Dreggas
I’m seriously waiting for them to come out and say Jesus was gay since he didn’t bang Mary Magdalene. Or will they buy into the Dan Brown interpretation just to avoid it?
soonergrunt
The Gospel of Saint Rush:
…And the Pharisees did ask him what should be done
With the woman who had comitted adultery.
And he did say unto them “Since she is not a Man,
Nor a Republican, stone the slut!”
…And they came to his sermon on the mount,
And he said unto them “Blessed are the Corporate Officers, and the meek shall be rightly screwed!”
…And he sat by the sea, and thousands came to hear
But they had only seven loaves of bread and few fish
And took the fish and served out to his disciples,
Saying unto them “We’ve got ours,
Fuck everyone else”
…And Behold, He miracled himself off of the cross.
He retreived his AK-47 from the base of the cross,
And he did fire short bursts into the crowd of Jews.
And he did shout “Wolverines!” and they fell dead.
And then he did return to northern Europe, from
Whence he came, because everybody knows Jesus is
White, and not all Semite-looking
Like that taxi-driver from Bangle-desh or Egypt that
We did see at the RNC convention last year.
And he saw that it was good.
asiangrrlMN
@Roger Moore:
And, by some accounts, Sarah (his wife) was his half/step-sister. And, Hagar was more like a slave than a servant (not that there was much difference back in the day–or now in some situations, come to think of it).
And, bwahahahahaha! I am relieved that I can laugh at the rightwingnutters today instead of being depressed/worn down by them.
Dreggas, I always figured that Mary M. was Jesus’s common-law wife.
Jesus is their biggest impediment to an all-conservative Bible, isn’t he? I love it!
clone12
I’m convince that this has to be wingnut Thermidor. But every time I say that, I am proven wrong.
Splitting Image
Why don’t the Republicans simply reprint the 1631 reprint by Robert Barker and Martin Lucas, which infamously left the word “not” out of the commandment “Thou shalt not commit adultery”.
That would satisfy most of the Republicans’ requirements right there.
Michael
*choking with laughter*
Internet Win!
Ash Can
The yahoos responsible for this project are just admitting the fact that they want to be God.
handy
@Yaco:
How awesome is this, behold the Sermon on the Mount in Lolcat:
Garrigus Carraig
This is weird. For four hundred years people getting regularly rolled by the Anglican establishment were content to use the Anglican translation, presumably because God was guiding the translators & admits no error in the transmission of His Word, or something. And now, all of a sudden, a group of Americans has decided that (1) the KJV needs to be modernized and (2) the modernization is a wiki project.
My favorite line: “recognizing that Christianity introduced powerful new concepts that even the Greek and Hebrew were inadequate to express, but modern conservative language can express well.”
Oh yes. Oh yes.
Dreggas
@WMass:
ULTIMATE FIGHTING JESUS!
TAP OUT OR BURN FOR ETERNITY BITCHES!
calipygian
Fixed
Basement Cat
What, nobody’s posted this yet?
Bubblegum Tate
@Irregardless:
I quite literally LOLed at that one. Nicely done.
Garrigus Carraig
OK it got even awesomer. Apparently the New International Version was the evangelical response to the Revised Standard Version, which was too liberal, & now these guys think the NIV update will be too liberal & want a new version.
And again, they’ve decided that it’s a wiki project.
Dreggas
The new and improved lords prayer
Our father who art on AM
Limbaugh be thy name
By noon-time come
thy will be done
On the earth as it is
in Real ‘Merica.
Give us this day,
our daily screed
and forgive us our trespasses
even though we won’t forgive
those who trespass against us
And lead us into
a center-right nation.
for thine is the Hypocrisy,
the Oxy-contin, and the
viagra forever.
Amen
Garrigus Carraig
Oh, also, The Brick Testament.
handy
This sounds like a bolded blurb on the back cover of a self-help book. What a load of excrement.
Bruce (formerly Steve S.)
I don’t know what they think they’re accomplishing. When you take out all the allegedly PC liberal weasel words you’re still left with over a thousand pages of murders, thefts, rapes, incest, horrific genocides, scientific impossibilities, irrationality, misogyny, fear-mongering, and laughable contradictions. The problem for conservatives has never been liberal translations but the danger of reading more than a few dozen preselected verses.
wasabi gasp
Anything that bastardizes that book until it’s as sacred as alphabet refrigerator magnets is fine by me.
dadanarchist
Wingnut Thermidor? Fascinating – can you explain further?
Graf Zeppelin
“You haven’t a real appreciation of Newspeak, Winston,” he said almost sadly. “Even when you write it you’re still thinking in Oldspeak…with all its vagueness and useless shades of meaning. You do not grasp the beauty of the destruction of words….Don’t you see that the whole aim of Newspeak is to narrow the range of thought? In the end we shall make thoughtcrime literally impossible, because there will be no words in which to express it. Every concept that can ever be needed will be expressed by exactly -one- word, with its meaning rigidly defined and all subsidiary meanings rubbed out and forgotten… Every year fewer and fewer words, and the range of consciousness always a little smaller… The Revolution will be complete when the language is perfect… By 2050…all real knowledge of Oldspeak will be destroyed. The whole literature of the past will have been destroyed. Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Byron–they’ll exist only in Newspeak versions, not merely changed into something different, but actually changed into something contradictory of what they used to be… The whole climate of thought will be different. In fact there will -be- no thought, as we understand it now. Orthodoxy means not thinking–not needing to think. Orthodoxy is unconsciousness.”
-1984, Signet Classic Edition, pp. 52-53.
ChrisB
@The Moar You Know:
Don’t worry, they’ll all be edited out.
@Skippy:
Not in the conservative Bible. In the conservative Bible, he’ll look like Ollie North.
You know what the funny thing is? This is pretty much how the New Testament was initially compiled. Just ask the author or authors of the Gospel of Thomas.
Graf Zeppelin
You haven’t a real appreciation of Newspeak, Winston,” he said almost sadly. “Even when you write it you’re still thinking in Oldspeak…with all its vagueness and useless shades of meaning. You do not grasp the beauty of the destruction of words….Don’t you see that the whole aim of Newspeak is to narrow the range of thought? In the end we shall make thoughtcrime literally impossible, because there will be no words in which to express it. Every concept that can ever be needed will be expressed by exactly one word, with its meaning rigidly defined and all subsidiary meanings rubbed out and forgotten… Every year fewer and fewer words, and the range of consciousness always a little smaller… The Revolution will be complete when the language is perfect… By 2050…all real knowledge of Oldspeak will be destroyed. The whole literature of the past will have been destroyed. Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Byron–they’ll exist only in Newspeak versions, not merely changed into something different, but actually changed into something contradictory of what they used to be… The whole climate of thought will be different. In fact there will be no thought, as we understand it now. Orthodoxy means not thinking–not needing to think. Orthodoxy is unconsciousness.”
– 1984, Signet Classic Edition, pp. 52 – 53.
Graf Zeppelin
[Ugh. One more try, I promise…]
You haven’t a real appreciation of Newspeak, Winston,” he said almost sadly. “Even when you write it you’re still thinking in Oldspeak…with all its vagueness and useless shades of meaning. You do not grasp the beauty of the destruction of words….Don’t you see that the whole aim of Newspeak is to narrow the range of thought? In the end we shall make thoughtcrime literally impossible, because there will be no words in which to express it. Every concept that can ever be needed will be expressed by exactly one word, with its meaning rigidly defined and all subsidiary meanings rubbed out and forgotten… Every year fewer and fewer words, and the range of consciousness always a little smaller… The Revolution will be complete when the language is perfect… By 2050…all real knowledge of Oldspeak will be destroyed. The whole literature of the past will have been destroyed. Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Byron—they’ll exist only in Newspeak versions, not merely changed into something different, but actually changed into something contradictory of what they used to be… The whole climate of thought will be different. In fact there will be no thought, as we understand it now. Orthodoxy means not thinking—not needing to think. Orthodoxy is unconsciousness.”
– 1984, Signet Classic Edition, pp. 52 – 53.
toujoursdan
I still think this is a spoof and someone is pulling the wool over the wingnuts… and the rest of us.
noncarborundum
@Penfold:
I know a whole bunch of people who would claim that the earliest source version, aside from Greek stuff, is the Hebrew one.
Actually there’s very little Aramaic in the Bible. Parts of Daniel & Ezra plus random words scattered about. The rest is Hebrew (OT) and Greek (NT). The only Aramaic in the NT I’m aware of is “Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani” (My Lord, my Lord, why have you forsaken me?)
Bubblegum Tate
@Garrigus Carraig:
Are you saying that crowdsourcing among a bunch of ignorant rubes is not the same as the infallible word of god? Blasphemer!
Cat Lady
How interesting that wingnuts believe that the Word of God is exactly like the Word of Wingnut. What a coincidence!
Bubblegum Tate
@ChrisB:
And the Virgin Mary will originally be from Wasilla!
Singularity
For example,
will be properly re-translated as
noncarborundum
@Politically Lost:
There’s a third option if you’re a dispensationalist: it isn’t operative yet. Jesus offered the Kingdom to the Jews of his day, and when they rejected it, it was rescheduled to the End of Days, at which point Christ will return to rule the world and everyone will be expected to behave in accordance with the Sermon on the Mount – but not before then.
I kid you not. They really believe this. And they consider themselves literalists.
Xanthippas
My favorite part is the section on removing the Adultress story from the New Testament because liberals sometimes use it to argue against the death penalty. I mean, there’s no irony to be had in editing the New Testament to make it more pro-death penalty. None whatsoever.
Augustine
@RSA:
Plus… product placement opportunities!
ChrisB
@Bubblegum Tate:
Well, you know, out of the mouth of babes and sucklings and all that.
Jim Once
@asiangrrlMN:
I’m thinking we should get all ecumenical on them, and direct them here for illustrations:
http://blingee.com
Xanthippas
Also, some Southern Baptist preachers might be surprised at what these douches would like to remove from the Bible.
ChrisB
@Bubblegum Tate:
Uh . . . virgin?
mslarry
I’ve never posted before but this truly has got me flummoxed beyond words. What the holy hell or “fake Jesus” is wrong with these people? To quote another commenter, we’re truly in “woodstock of the dammed” territory. Oy.
What’s gonna happen when these assholes figure out that if Jesus did exist, he was likely an Arab with brown skin curly/kinky hair and not the long haired, nordic, white knight of their clueless fantasies. Can’t wait for that to take hold in their pea brains. Also.
Ash Can
@toujoursdan: I’m starting to think you’re right. It’s all just too good.
calipygian
Puh-leeze. Do you think that the vagina that gave us Trig has actually had a penis in it?
Wilson Heath
Someone help me out on David and Bathsheeba — is that part liberal or conservative? Can we ask John Ensign?
kommrade reproductive vigor
@Danton: I don’t think it will make the cut. Have you ever heard people try to explain that it isn’t about massive amounts of nasty making?
Fun-ee!
eric
the most “aggressive” debates I have ever read are between the the pre- and post- tribulation rapturists. I cannot imagine how they would respond to this nonsense.
Ed Drone
@Roger Moore:
And that son, the son of the slave, is who the Muslims trace their ancestry to. Both Jews and Arabs are sons of Abraham. No God-damned (pun noted) wonder they can’t get along. Those inter-familial fights are the worst, the most intractable, and the bloodiest. Really, Devil Manse Hatfield had nothing on Yasser Arafat or Menachem Begin, you know?
Ed
cincyanon
That William Tyndall was a DFH!! I think the first time someone was called a “Liberal Fascist,” it was directed at him (though “some say” Henry the 8th was the one who called him that).
Origuy
@dadanarchist: Thermidor was the month of the French Revolutionary calendar in which Robespierre was guillotined and the Reign of Terror ended.
The Moar You Know
The finale: Jesus will climb down off the cross, shoot all the Romans and Jews with His AK-47, and then play a note-for-note flawless version of Lee Greewood’s “God Bless The USA” on His Holy Les Paul, because Jesus hates bolt-on necks.
Origuy
@Bubblegum Tate:
Will the Three Wise Dudes bring Tupperware, meth, and Old Spice?
wasabi gasp
@The Moar You Know: Jesus plays the base, dude.
Hiram Taine
This thread is the funniest thing I’ve read in weeks, I have tears running down my cheeks and my gut is hurting.
Thank you all, I needed this.
Arclite
Rewriting the Sermon on the Mount:
You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I tell you, do
notresist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek,turn to him the other alsopull out thine knife and strike him not less than three times. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic,let him have your cloak as wellthou shalt counter-sue and start a defamation campaign against him. If someone forces you to go one mile,go with him two milesplan thy escape and revenge. Give to the one who asks you, anddo not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from youcharge a suitable fee and interest rate.Penfold
@noncarborundum:
I know a whole bunch of people who would claim that the earliest source version, aside from Greek stuff, is the Hebrew one.
Tongue of Groucho Marx
I’m surprised this page hasn’t been mentioned. I didn’t know ‘monogamy’, ‘independence’, ‘human rights’, ‘Eagle Scout’, or even ‘homeschool’ were conservative terms, while I wasn’t aware that ‘atheist’, ‘big bang’, ‘moderate’, or ‘Swift-boating’ were invented exclusively by liberals. It’s either between this page or the Professor Values page that generates the biggest crack-up, IMO, although the Lawrence Tribe/Barack Obama/abortion/theory of relativity connection is pretty damn funny.
You can also discover that Andy, among other things, thinks that the Axiom of Choice is complete nonsense, and that Richard Dawkins is not actually a tenured professor at Oxford.
Rational Wiki has a rather impressive listing of Conservapedia’s stupidity, and does great work on documenting psuedoscience.
On another note, Schlafly is the only [mildly influential] right winger that subscribes to anti-vaccination hysteria. Am I missing someone?
The Moar You Know
@wasabi gasp: I know – I’m a bassist.
Arclite
Also, the story of Sodom and Gomorrah will be expanded into its own complete book, including a new section detailing those who were spared because they talked a good game even though their actions were just as vice-ridden as the rest. The chapter title will be “IOKIYAR.”
Penfold
@Bruce (formerly Steve S.):
This. That is all.
Charon
Steerpike in the Sadly, No! version of this comment thread has the best suggested entry for the ConservaBible that I’ve seen so far.
Left Coast Tom
@Comrade Sock Puppet of the Great Satan:
Lot getting jiggy with his daughters, actually.
Well, you see it was the wanton teenagers getting broody while they were in the wilderness and getting Daddy drunk so they could engender babies. Single mothers, you see.
I’m sure they’ll make it into a parable for abstinence and against Roe v. Wade.
Substitute “Levi” for “Daddy” and I guess we have Bristol Palin as Abstinence Queen.
Left Coast Tom
@Left Coast Tom:
OK, the tag doesn’t work here across paragraph boundaries either!
Anyway, the first three paragraphs belong with the quote and the final paragraph is mine.
Penfold
Blockquote fails everywhere.
Deborah
@toujoursdan:
I keep thinking this, but it’s been up there for days. Surely if they’d been infiltrated by Penn Gillette someone would have noticed by now.
Ron Beasley
What the hell – they already gave a guy that probably looked a lot like a modern Palestinian blue eyes and light skin and hair. Why not a few more tweaks.
Left Coast Tom
@Penfold:
But the <i> tag?
(that’s the italics tag, in case my attempt to escape greater than and less than doesn’t work)
Blue Raven
@122: Aramaic also found in NT when Jesus resurrected a child. “Talitha koum,” meaning “Little girl, get up.”
Penfold
@Left Coast Tom:
Haha. I’m really confused about it’s systemic failure. My favorite was one in my own post: Why it would be parsing the blockquote tags after the text, almost appearing to be treating the close tag as an open tag that then immediately and magically closes itself….I dunno. My brain hurts.
Surreal American
“If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him with a roundhouse kick”.
— Chuck 5:39
anonevent
As long as there’s something in the new Bible about Adam and Eve being given a fiery sword by an angel, it will be OK.
Deborah
@SpotWeld: Thanks for the link to RationalWiki, where I was introduced to Poe’s Law:
Davis X. Machina
What the hell – they already gave a guy that probably looked a lot like a modern Palestinian blue eyes and light skin and hair….
My mom, when she was teaching religion in the Catholic schools, cut a picture out of a 1967-era National Geographic of an Israeli paratroop commander, a guy with obvious charisma, command presence, and leadership chops, and popped it in the frame where the icky pre-Raphaelite Jesus used to be.
Said it maybe wasn’t 100% accurate, but a good place to start, if you needed a picture.
Martin
Why do I expect a new Rapture section to be developed that officially lists the names of people that will go to heaven and those that won’t.
And somehow failing to win the Olympics for the city of Chicago will make it into Leviticus.
Where will the wetsuits and dildos show up?
anonevent
@Davis X. Machina: That would be a great picture to have. I would hang it up in my decidedly non-religious household just so that people would ask.
fliegr
Awe inspiring comments. Some of you need to go work for the Daily Show. Thanks!
RSA
It occurs to me that these fundamentalist Christians would make good fundamentalist Muslims:
So well has it [the Qur’an] been preserved both in memory and in writing, that the Arabic text we have today is identical to the text as it was revealed to the Prophet. Not even a single letter has yielded to corruption during the passage of the centuries. And so it will remain forever, by the consent of Allah.
How can you tell the difference, except for the labels? Problems only creep in with translations.
kommrade reproductive vigor
Going at once to Jesus, Judas said, “Greetings, Rabbi!” and
kissed him^gave him a firm, manly handshake.Conserpedia’d.
VladCat
I was expecting them to rewrite Dr Seuss to be more supply sided for the home-schooled kiddies first, but this is so much better. I hope all the attention and mockery do not dissuade them from completing this task.
Cain
@The Moar You Know:
Fixed!
cain
Fern
Well, I can sort of see their dilemma – a bunch of these folks believe that the KJV is inerrant – but most people cannot make much sense of the language, which is admittedly pretty archaic. Plus there are better and older source documents available now than the KJV translators had to work with. Which kind of messes with the inerrancy thing – so their clever solution is to update the language of the KJV and then work from original texts in sections where there are better sources.
Probably makes sense to a wingnut.
Me, I really like the Jewish Publication Society translation – I can’t judge the quality of the translation, but it reads well, has the English and Hebrew on alternate pages and you get to read from the back of the book to the front. I wish I could find a translation of the NT that was this good.
And I really, really like what Robert Alter has done with the Pentateuch. The text reads wonderfully, and the footnotes will pretty much blow up everything you thought you knew about the Bible. Highly recommended. He’s done the Psalms now too, as well as I and II Samuel.
Seanly
@SpotWeld:
Physics comprehension epic fail.
Slightly related: nothing is more annoying than people of any persuasion “extrapolating” scientific theories like the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle or Theory of General Relativity to their idiotic beliefs (conservative or liberal). New Agers win the prize for this practice.
Bubblegum Tate
@Origuy:
Not only will that be what they bring, that will be their names as well.
OriGuy
@RSA: Of course, the text of the Qu’ran was not transmitted in writing to Muhammed (even if one believes that it was revealed to him by the angel Gabriel.) Nor did he write it down, as he was illiterate. It wasn’t compiled until after his death, although parts of it may have been written down before then.
DaddyJ
@Bubblegum Tate:
Oh, thanks! Everybody else in the house is asleep, and I almost just had a stroke trying to stifle my laughing.
I’d add that those names are probably reserved for the Revised Wasilia Conservative Bible.
Macayla's Little Friend
http://www.indyweek.com/gyrobase/Content?oid=oid%3A346854
http://www.bartdehrman.com/books/gods_problem.htm
Steeplejack
@The Moar You Know:
[. . .] because Jesus hates bolt-on necks.
Win.
John
The thing is, that there’s a kernel of a point here. The oldest texts of the Gospel of John do not actually include the story. Wikipedia actually has a decent article on the subject.
So there’s some reason to think it’s a later interpolation. There’s two issues, though. One is that it’s modern textual scholarship which, so far as I can tell, Schlafly basically rejects in all other circumstances, that suggests the story is interpolated. The other issue is that there’s tons of other passages in the New Testament that basically say the same thing. “Judge not lest ye be judged” and “Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye,” both basically say the same thing as “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone,” and there authenticity is, so far as I’m aware, not in question.
The whole project is utterly absurd and self-contradictory. My favorite part of the talk page is the part where, after people are challenging the extent to which a bunch of home-schooled high school students are competent to produce a new translation of the Bible, Schlafly insists that the vast majority of worthwhile cultural products were produced by teenagers. He continues to defend this point, but refuses to present any examples.
Enlightened Layperson
Every time I look at the Conservapedia it really disturbs me. I keep wondering, what did Mommy Phyllis do to this poor boy? She must have told him to be good or the godless liberals would eat him. If he thought the boogieman was hiding under his bed she’d say no, it wasn’t the boogieman, it was a godless liberal. Maybe she locked him in the closet and warned him that evil liberals were lurking in the dark. I don’t know, but he comes across as really warped.
bago
Actually, as I understand, in ancient Hebrew each of the characters had a numerical value, and each page of text was summed up during transcription. A sort of early checksum. A checksum or a hash is used whenever you use the Internet or a credit card. If the checksum from the original page differed from the copy, the copy page would be destroyed and re-copied, to ensure that the text was authentic.
Anne Laurie
@GusThePrimate:
Yeah, the foundation wingnuts began setting up ‘Christian academies’ in the
PellagraBible Belt during the 1960s, when that notorious Commanist Eisenhower insisted on integrating the public schools. But these scripture-thumping mushroom farms (keep ’em in the dark & throw in well-ripened manure on a regular basis) really took off when St. Ronnie and his blessedcroniesacolytes engineered special tax breaks for “religious foundations” intended to produce reality-free ‘educational’ materials for the homeschoolers. We’re coming up on the third generation of ‘Christian’ madrassa products, and frankly America would be in much better shape if only they’d chosen the Amish route and withdrawn from us Impure Secularists entirely.John T
This project almost makes me feel sorry for actual biblical scholars who have made the effort to learn Greek and Hebrew in order to study and analyze the original texts in their original context, motivated by a desire to come to a better understanding of the texts’ spiritual value. Almost.
vanya
Fundamentalists are no longer “Christians” in any traditional sense. They are heretics. I think Daniel Larison – a sensible conservative – labeled this the “Americanist heresy” – it’s a religion centered on American exceptionalism, a “muscular” Jesus, and charismatic preachers. Taibbi’s “The Great Derangement” is very good on these people. Their religion is a form of cultural identity – you can’t use history or literature to disprove what they believe because they don’t care about those kind of things. To these people “Christian” = “white conservative” – any thing else is just details. If these people ever met the historical Jesus they would be the first to kick him to the curb.
vanya
Also the number one reason you can’t argue with fundamentalists using scholarship and logic is that the Bible is “divinely inspired”, and if God inspired some writing once then he must be able to do it again. No matter what you point out about original Hebrew or Aramaic sources some preacher can always claim God gave him the correct interpretation – and how are you going to top that? It worked for Muhammed and Joseph Smith, it will work for the Americanists.
kommrade reproductive vigor
Because giving examples would get him arrested.
gruaud
Gots to be a hoax.
Fulcanelli
Having read this back in my wastrel youth, I’d like to suggest that this interpretation of the Bible might be just what these ‘revisionists’ need:
The Boo Hoo Bible. (Catechism of the the Neo-American Church)
/It is one of the funniest things you will ever read, and very thought provoking, to boot.
If this konservative bible project goes forward, it just might be the tipping point for tolerance of American evangelical idiocy. FSM willing.
Troy
“Don’t you see that the whole aim of Newspeak is to narrow the range of thought?… Has it ever occurred to your, Winston, that by the year 2050, at the very latest, not a single human being will be alive who could understand such a conversation as we are having now?… The whole climate of thought will be different. In fact, there will be no thought, as we understand it now. Orthodoxy means not thinking—not needing to think. Orthodoxy is unconsciousness.”
– George Orwell, 1984, Book 1, Chapter 5
bjacques
@141 Origuy:
Thermidor? Like THIS?
@48 Quicksand:
“My disciples hear me! The future is, as Brother Billy has interpreted from the Book of Rambo! Only the well-armed shall survive against Sgt. Satan and his Unholy Commandos! Remember my brethren, we are allied together to obliterate that pervert Lucifer and his army of sissy demons, through UPERIOR CHRISTIAN FIREPOWER! I shall lead you to victory! For I am the machine Messiah! THE MACHINE GUN MESSIAH!!!”
– Rev. Ulysses S. Buxton, in the finale of the extremely independent 1985 movie Armageddon Fabulosa, shot in and around Dallas and the Trinity River. Briefly mentioned by the Fort Worth Startlegram after the big Branch Davidian barbecue of 1993.
DaddyJ
@John: What jumps out at me in that Wikipedia article on the Adulteress text is this quote from St. Augustine, explaining why the story might have been redacted from some early versions of the text:
So I guess either St. Augustine was a moonbat liberal, or Andrew Schlafly is an enemy of the true faith. We report, you decide.
GranFalloon
From the Conservapedia citation page – to me, the latest attempt to legitimize this monstrosity says it all.
To give the project its much-needed scholarly gravitas, the page features a picture of “Andy Schlafly at Columbia.”
Interesting.
Somewhere around here, I have a picture of me at the Newport News Continuous Electron Beam Acceleration Facility. Ergo, I am a particle physicist.
And don’t get me started on my last trip to a Redskins game.
soonergrunt
@GranFalloon: When I was a kid, I toured Los Alamos National Lab.
Yes, I was extremely geeky, and yes, they do have a museum and they used to have public tours.
I guess since I have a picture of me leaning up against a mock-up of the FAT MAN bomb, that makes me a nuclear weapons engineer.