This is only the first time in my nearly 11-month history at Balloon Juice that I have gone silent. The reason that I have gone silent is that I have been pondering the following….
Imagine there was only one person in the world who knew for certain the details of Sarah Palin’s fifth pregnancy. And suppose that you had that person in custody. Would you torture that person to find out the details?
valdivia
LOL. Just that.
freelancer
Yes, but Nina would have killed the pregnant hero in the last minute of the season.
So it’s a wash.
Zandar
The mountain of mashed potatoes in the shape of a moose head that Sully made?
It means something.
calipygian
I’d make them read every single word of Sarah’s ghost written fictional memoir. Out loud.
Every. Single. Word.
I’m a sick motherfucker.
beltane
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I bet you keep clicking over to The Dish just like the rest of us. If Sully doesn’t have the bombshell of the century I’m going to be seriously pissed. He could at least post some Views from Your Window to pass the time.
harlana pepper
Would that Andrew Sullivan had spent the same amount of time and energy on investigating the facts regarding our reasons for invading Iraq.
calipygian
@Zandar:
This thread is closed. Win.
Bubblegum Tate
Could Jesus microwave a burrito so hot that he himself could not eat it?
Keith
Why didn’t he just change his color theme to rouge? Or better yet, post something a little less dramatic, like “Hey, (there won’t be updates for the next day or so|welcome back my guest bloggers), as I am reading the Palin book.”
Seebach
It is funny, but if he can unearth something to destroy her, it will be worth it.
Annie
Absolutely. Waterboarding — 84 times or until I got the answers I wanted….
Joshua Norton
So is the Divine Sarah turning into the wingnut-lite version of Eva Peron? Sure seems that way.
ondioline
I have a dirty feeling that every time Palin is in the news, Sully’s hits mega-spike.
I wonder if he’s just milking it now.
soonergrunt
@calipygian: You beat me to it.
You could also make them listen to The Right Brothers until they give in.
A normal person would probably last about as long as they would being waterboarded and consider it just as cruel and inhumane.
Ash
Jesus motherfucking christ why are they showing Caribou Barbie on my tv parading her baby around at a freaking book signing?
WHYYYYYY?????????????
SteveinSC
I’d like to post a little something OT since we are discussing torturing people. I live in one of the most gun-totting, he-man, huntin’, fishin’, fightin’, kick-ass parts of the country. But, can someone help me to understand why all these swaggering, give-em hell neo-confederates are running around with their hair on fire because we might lock up a couple A-rabs in some South Carolina rat-hole? What a bunch of pansy-assed, old women.
Zifnab
/plugs in taser
/assembles board, water, sell-out Asian legal attorney from Berkley
/cranks up Barney & Friends on speakers
/puts on giant, novelty Andrew Sullivan foam head
Let’s do this.
freelancer
@Seebach:
That would indeed be crazy. He better have something and it better be solid, otherwise why even write that fucking sentence?
Colette
Shorter Sully: I’m stuck here in a crazy woman’s uterus and I can’t get out!
Comrade Scrutinizer
Jeez. I just had a flashback of Madeline in the White Room:
—
Sometimes I miss Madeline. …sigh…
beltane
@freelancer: This is eerily reminiscent of Geraldo Rivera and Al Capone’s vault.
Mouse Tolliver
Y’know, Sarah Palin attacked Levi Johnston for doing porn, but it turns out his over-hyped Playgirl shoot will be no more explicit than this photo of St. Charlton of the Uzi, but a great deal less explicit than this picture of Pat Boone.
kindness
Please leave Andrew Sullivan alone!!!!
Just because he can’t control in Bible Spice urges doesn’t mean you should give him any more ideas!
Zifnab
@beltane: Pro-tip. There’s nothing in the uterus.
Zifnab
@kindness:
It’s funny, because the way he obsesses over that woman’s vagina, Andy may be in the running for straightest gay man in America.
demkat620
He is ridiculous. She doesn’t rate all this.
She’s a circus act.
licensed to kill time
Well, no I wouldn’t. Because I don’t give a flying fart.
dmsilev
Oops, they did it again. Fox News again “accidentally” included the wrong footage to make a crowd seem much larger. This time, it’s showing footage of Palin campaign rallies while ostensibly covering her book tour.
-dms
JenJen
@beltane: I know I do! Just like that time he went silent during the election and even put up that cryptic View From Your Window.
schrodinger's cat
Overdramatic blogger is being overly dramatic.
freelancer
Sully can parse Palin all he wants, as far as I’m concerned. I understand OCD, especially the O part, and when he goes too far it’s merely amusing and a little embarrassing, plus these threads turn into pure gold.
I’m annoyed with him today though because I’ve had this fucking evil song in my head since yesterday.
MoeLarryAndJesus
Trig was NOT Palin’s 5th pregnancy. He was her 6th. Her 5th pregnancy is being raised in a small monastery in Jerusalem and has begun performing small miracles already. His name is Jeepers and he doesn’t resemble Todd at all…
SarahLoving
Maybe Levi finally took the bait and dialed up Andrew n’ Friends!
I keep getting visions of Sully passed out on his keyboard after a bout of Sarah-induced conniption vapors and Patrick insisting on a blogging-time out or their relationship will be History!
And besides, exactly what would Andrew do if Iran was exploding again? Would this be a Sophie’s choice in terms of Dish coverage?
Girlfriend needs to Get A Grip.
Linkmeister
@dmsilev: I just saw that too. My immediate response: “Don’t they learn anything?”
Dreggas
I would skullfuck a kitten in order to get that information.
R-Jud
@Zifnab:
Fixed for that authentic Sully flavor.
How do you assemble a sell-out attorney, BTW?
Alex S.
If Sarah Palin ever showed a View From Her Window, would you be able to see Russia?
Sentient Puddle
OT and not nearly as interesting as where this thread is going, but CBO scores just came out. Senate bill costs $849 billion over 10 years, reduces the deficit by $127 billion, covers an extra 31 million people.
calipygian
@freelancer: You think that’s bad, try having Weezer’s version of Poker Face stuck in your head.
This would make our theoretical torturee talk, toot sweet.
Colette
@Alex S.:
It would be blocked by the giant looming head of Andrew Sullivan hiding in the shrubbery.
R-Jud
@freelancer: A little James Brown gets it right out. They play her latest thing on an endless loop at my gym.
Midnight Marauder
@Keith:
Uh, because then he wouldn’t be Andrew Sullivan?
calipygian
@freelancer: This is worse.
Weezer.
Violet
Maybe Andrew is using her book as a excuse to take a day off. Everyone thinks he’s busy reading and parsing the book. Really he’s on a beach somewhere enjoying an illicit substance.
schrodinger's cat
@Dreggas:
Plz not to be harming kittehs or Tunch’s mighty paw of doom will smite you.
Alex S.
Other crazy theories:
Levi Johnston is Sarah Palin’s son. Incest can cause down-syndrome.
Andrew has heard that Sarah is trying to pray his gay away.
Sarah once had a lesbian relationship.
Sarah had plastic surgery.
John Cole
I wonder what color he is going to make his masthead?
trollhattan
So much win and not a scrap of pie. Ah, life is good.
I’m wondering when we’re going to be switched over to 100% CG Sarah, since she’s decided to wall off all cameras that haven’t been hired. So public yet so private and mysterious, it makes me want more…morrrre!
She’s the new Michael Jackson.
Montysano (All Hail Marx & Lennon)
@demkat620:
She’s a circus act who was in unacceptable proximity to the Oval Office… and could be again.
CynDee
@SteveinSC: We take your point, but you should apologize to old women.
Rhoda
That is awesome.
It’s like James Franco deciding to go on General Hospital levels of cool. Only far more insanely bewildering.
Maybe someone’s laced his pot.
freelancer
@calipygian:
I actually like that version because of how River and Co blend it seamlessly with MGMT’s Kids.
schrodinger's cat
@John Cole:
Red?
licensed to kill time
I quoted Dr. Seuss yesterday in relation to his ability to toss more better and funnier, too! word salad than La Palinista – I just think of her when I read this:
“All ready to put up the tents for my circus
I think I will call it the Circus McGurkus
And now comes an act of Enormous Enormance!
No former performer’s performed this performance!”
‘Cause she’s so special, doncha know.
Montysano (All Hail Marx & Lennon)
@calipygian:
This is better.
Colette
@John Cole:
Grainy black and white.
Max
@calipygian: By far, the best version of poker face is this one.
Not snark. I like his voice. But, it gets in your head.
Minionero
My guess:
Sarah keeps forgetting how many children she has!
freelancer
But her “acoustic” version just shows how empty her songs are.
Get the bleach out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lM3HYSxPnlA
Gah! She’s a Replicant! Where’s Deckard?!
eastriver
Almost 11 months??? Do you give your age with “a half” appended half the year?
Max
@freelancer:
This version is my personal fav.
Replaces previous post stuck in moderation.
lol
@John Cole: Rouge.
still liberal
Start a pool, everybody gets to guess!
Two bucks on Levi is Sarah’s baby daddy. Also.
MikeJ
@calipygian: I remember seeing them at the *old* 9:30. The one one F street. Glad to see them still pleasing/annoying people. I thought the red album wasn’t quite as good as the earlier stuff, and I haven’t even picked up Raditutde yet. I imagine I will. The dog on the cover has a very faint resemblance to Lily.
freelancer
@still liberal:
Sarah got pregnant again over the summer of 2008 (probably not by Todd), and after she got the call from the campaign went and got herself a gagortion.
My guess.
calipygian
@MikeJ: The new 930 club will always be the WUST Music Hall to me.
gnomedad
@Keith:
Hey, we could all color our Twitter portraits rouge in solidarity.
Martin
@Sentient Puddle:
I bet Fox News will reveal that all 31 million people work for ACORN.
R-Jud
@freelancer: She’s a bad performance artist who wound up on the pop charts. I think she laughs all the way to the bank, personally.
MobiusKlein
@ondioline:
Is mega-spike what they are calling mary-jane now?
Ash
Are people in this post bashing Lady Gaga?
You’re all dead to me. DEAD!
Grumpy Code Monkey
@Zandar:
God damn it, don’t make me laugh like that at work. And it’s your fault that I heard it in the voice of Roy Dreary from “Closet Encounters of the Nerd Kind.”
Library Grape
John, that question makes me very uncomfortable :).
By the way, if anyone is interested in a handy graph that illustrates the months that Bush and Obama have “dithered” over Afghanistan strategy, I made one up earlier today: http://www.librarygrape.com/2009/11/comparative-analysis-of-bush-and-obamas.html
I wonder when the day was when the hope inside me that wingnuts might someday come to appreciate facts and reality died. I’m thinking circa 2003?
R-Jud
@R-Jud: Clarification: I meant Gaga in that post, not Palin.
freelancer
@R-Jud:
No wonder Althouse LOVES her.
Deborah
If the statement weren’t so coherent, grammatical, and pitch-perfect Sullivan as drama queen, my money would be on Andrew getting wacked and his assassin posting that while he headed for somewhere warm without an extradition treaty. But I can’t imagine a Palin sycophant who could pull that message together.
arguingwithsignposts
Sarah Palin is a plant on the national scene by Big Comedy to give the Internets a source of material to feed TDS and TCR.
bemused
@Linkmeister:
Fox fans don’t fact check. Fox fans don’t bombard the network with emails complaining about inaccuracies. They love their “fair & balanced” bullshit channel just the way it is so there is no reason for Fox to learn anything.
robertdsc
Brilliant.
Zifnab
@R-Jud:
Well, it helps if you’re surrounded by tools.
EconWatcher
This better be good, Sully… (punches hand with fist and peers down with a menacing glare)
R-Jud
@Zifnab: Thank you, that was worth waiting for.
Martin
Heh: http://fraidycats.tumblr.com/
Zifnab
@Montysano (All Hail Marx & Lennon):
She’ll be the Walter Mondale of the right wing. Except, when all the votes are in, the GOP will declare this a victory for conservatives everywhere and get decidedly more radical.
I always thought Obama cut a damn good Reagen.
JenJen
Josh Marshall gets right to the point when he addresses this Marc Ambinder comment
like so:
JMM FTW.
camchuck
I just hope Sully isn’t going (2nd hour of A Beautiful Mind) John Nash on us.
Rick Taylor
Off topic, and I’ll bet this was covered, but I just found out about the screeching over Obama’s bowing to the emperor of Japan. It’s hard to keep up with all the nuttiness. To think people used to talk seriously about “Bush derangement syndrome,” and now we have gems like this from an editorial in a national newspaper (the Washington Times):
I’m speechless.
Oh, and of course Rachel Madow showed videos of Nixon and Eisenhower bowing to other heads of state. What a bunch of bigoted morons.
gnomedad
@freelancer:
Is that a clip from the “V” remake?
Demo Woman
@still liberal: My guess is that Todd had the big V after Piper was born.
gnomedad
@Rick Taylor:
Unlike Alaska.
Martin
@JenJen:
That’s one of the more infuriating arguments about this – the argument, not even from the fringes, that Sarah Palin would be awesome if only she were Reagan with tits, overlooking the fact that would be a far easier accomplishment for Reagan than for Palin.
Eric U.
I’ve often thought that torturing some of the old time republicans might turn up some interesting information. Then I remember that torture victims always lie to their torturers. But I don’t think I could tolerate talking to a republican for the time it would take to get the information I wanted using effective interrogation techniques.
Seebach
@Martin: That is brilliant.
valdivia
this is the funniest thread. thanks so much guys.
I am worried about Sulli. But do hope he makes it worth our while…
cervantes
Since a lot of people are holding Sully to a high standard of delivery on this one, let us not forget that Josh Marshall once claimed to have a bombshell that would “re-arrange the tectonic plates in D.C.”
The really funny thing is, he did! The whole Saddam Hussein nuclear program thing was a hoax perpetrated by Dick Cheney. But nobody gave a shit. So the tectonic plates went un-rearranged. It was a major embarassment.
Seebach
There was something else about that that fizzled, though. Was it that a source wouldn’t go on record?
But it did all go back to who forged the letter from Niger that claimed Saddam had tried to purchase yellowcake from there.
Seebach
There was something else about that that fizzled, though. Was it that a source wouldn’t go on record?
But it did all go back to who forged the letter from Niger that claimed Saddam had tried to purchase yellowcake from there.
Splitting Image
Nope. I’m positive that she fibbed about when her water broke and then dug herself in deeper when it bizarrely became a national issue. If you assume she had a safe (and lucky) trip back from Texas and her water broke when she got home, the problems of the strangely-long labour for a fifth pregnancy and the insanity of climbing aboard a twelve-hour flight when she knew a difficult birth was already underway disappear.
Without those, there’s nothing extraordinary going on and the only real “issue” here is the fact that she didn’t seem to show until late in her term. I think she showed horrible judgement in going to Texas in the first place so close to her delivery date, but it’s perfectly consistent with everything she’s done since McCain made The Pick.
No need to torture anyone here, except maybe to remind McCain and Steve Schmidt periodically that they’re responsible for making her a national figure.
I’d even go so far as to defend Palin for making up the original story about her water breaking in Texas. I mean, of all the lies politicians have told over the years, who’d have thought that one would come back to haunt her?
Edward G. Talbot
I apologize for interrupting the hilarity with something approaching a “serious” question. What could possibly be so bad it would hurt her with the fringe who are the only ones who support her?
I mean, I suppose if she aborted a late term fetus and they’ve got pictures, that might do it. Or maybe a lesbian lover comes out of the closet, though her losses with the women of the right might be outweighed by her gains among men. But most of the stuff you’d think might sink her has just made her more popular. She governed the state that gets the most welfare from the government and she associated with a political party that wanted to blow up U.S. territory.
If it’s something as minor as she cheated on Todd or committed murder, it’s not gonna hurt her support. In fact, the right murder would help her.
Martin
@cervantes:
It’s important to consider the perspective of the critic here. To Josh (and rational people everywhere), his news should have, but of course it didn’t. To Sully, finding out that there was a 2nd shooter on the grassy knoll that really took that moose down would be earthshattering. That has “Obama said ‘periodically’ – he’s lost women in this election” written all over it.
Seebach
Nothing. But it might get the media to shut the fuck up for once. They can’t rehabilitate her if she has bits of baby flesh between her teeth and blood on her hands.
Bubblegum Tate
@Splitting Image:
Lest we forget the classic Sarah Palin pregnancy decision map.
Assuming that for once, Palin was being totally honest, then it shows her to be a ridiculous person who makes terrible, terrible decisions. Not that we didn’t already know that about her.
Martin
Nothing. 27% rule.
Will
This is the most unintentionally funny post of Sully’s since he casually mentioned having had uninterrupted sex for 12 hrs.
http://andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/2009/10/love-makes-you-creative-sex-not-so-much.html
That’s always what I focus on first after I wrap up a twelver. What I wasn’t thinking about during it. Not about whether my balls are still around or not.
DougJ
My guess is that Todd had the big V after Piper was born.
The second shooter theory.
Mike in NC
Not to be confused with Korea, where all of the funding for the Washington “Moonie” Times comes from…
SiubhanDuinne
@ John Cole / 5:54 pm
A whiter shade of palin.
pk
This is too early. I want the big scandal to come after the Palin/Beck acceptance speech at the Republican national convention.
Montysano
@Edward G. Talbot:
The wingnut Lines in the Sand are abortion and teh ghey. Either one of those would do the trick.
Wile E. Quixote
@DougJ
How do you keep coming up with the hits! What dark powers have you sold your soul to, and are they still buying?
calipygian
THE SLEEPING GIANT AWAKES!
Wile E. Quixote
@Montysano
Wait, what if she had an abortion? But then it turned out that the fetus was going to be ghey?
The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge
To answer the original question: No, I wouldn’t torture them to extract the truth, because I would be afraid that the most charitable interpretation of the whole affair was true. Momma pretending that her daughter’s illegitimate offspring is hers and raising them as their little brother or sister is very common among these religious types. Our next-door neighbors pulled that shit when I was a kid. Twice. (No, it wasn’t me—but it wasn’t for lack of trying on the little angel’s part.) This only makes her a lying hypocrite; so what else is new?
The whole thing with the story she told breaks down into two possibilities. Either it never happened, in which case she’s insane for making it up, and if it didn’t happen because she wasn’t really pregnant, she’s insane and a lying hypocrite. Or: It did happen, in which case she’s insanely irresponsible, and insane for telling the story.
I’m very much afraid the first, humdrum explanation is true, therefore I wouldn’t want it to come out. Let’s stick with insane and/or irresponsible.
asiangrrlMN
So much funniness, starting right off the bat with DougJ’s brilliant post. However laughing while hacking up a lung is a dangerous thing, so can y’all stop being so damn funny?
And, Sully: Still. Don’t. Give. A. Shit.
Mo's Bike Shop
You’ve made me Dunning-Kruger myself. I have no idea how to google Palin’s cosmetics colorway…
Dilbatt
Is playing a 24hr recording of Sarah Palin’s speeches and interviews considered torture?
Steph
I love Andrew like a brother, probably because I have OCD, too.
That said, to borrow from All About Eve, I want everybody to shut up about Sarah Palin. Just shut up about Sarah Palin, that’s all I want.
Steph
Oh, he has an update on his site. Sounds like he’s got …nothing.
Boo.
Wile E. Quixote
@Zifnab
@Colette
I have to confess, I kind of want a giant foam novelty Andrew Sullivan head now. Is that weird?
oklahomo
@Wile E. Quixote:
Only if it involves a twelve-hour marathon sex session and a giant foam Palin head.
Mo's Bike Shop
Narrative closure has done more to fuck up this precious world than any other meme of human ideation.
F’rinstance, there’s not much of a quandary about Palin’s behavior/anecdote if you posit that a Down’s Syndrome baby simply did not fit her personal narrative.
Another f’rinstance: whateverthefuck McGuffin Sullivan is chasing. Which your question addresses. Don’t take Moosolini any more seriously than her long-term funding resources.
Sullivan is looking up a shit-pipe and wondering where all the shit is coming from. Call me when he looks into who paid for the shit-pipe.
geg6
This thread is so full of WIN. I love this blog.
DougJ
I have to confess, I kind of want a giant foam novelty Andrew Sullivan head now. Is that weird?
Not really.
Church Lady
@Will (#104):
Damn you. I hit the link. My eyes are now burning and I think I threw up in my mouth a little.
MNPundit
@Steph: I told you. He wasn’t saying “I am focusing on it, because think I’ve got something that will be incredible!” he was saying “I am focusing on it because if we get something that will be incredible we are going to make SURE we get it right!”
Right Here
Once again hysterical.
MNPundit
@MNPundit: Also, did he and his two staffers read the ENTIRE BOOK IN ONE DAY?
Church Lady
For some of the best takedowns of Sullivan and his obsession with Sarah’s vajayjay, see the postings from Wonkette and Ace of Spades. Ace refers to Andy as “Dr. Sullivan, founder of Gynecologists Without Boundaries.”
DougL
@dmsilev: They should just go all out and cut to grainy old footage of a wide shot of a crowd at St. Peter’s Square ala Monty Python.
Anne Laurie
@R-Jud:
While wearing latex gloves and a protective mask, if you’re sensible.
@MNPundit:
Eighteen hours of vomiting is one way to prepare for the upcoming holiday eating binges, I guess.
W. Kiernan
Fuck no, not only would I not torture, I wouldn’t even tickle that person to get the details of Sarah Palin’s pregnancy. I am indifferent to that nitwit’s personal life. In fact I go beyond indifference; I already know far too much, I wish it were possible to erase the annoying details of that annoying woman’s annoying personal life right out of my memory.
Jason
Oh yes. Definitely tickle torture.
Evinfuilt
I have a bad feeling Sully’s big news will be much like the Michelle Obama “whitey” tape.
Molly
@Edward G. Talbot: “What could possibly be so bad it would hurt her with the fringe who are the only ones who support her?”
She was a community organizer for ACORN as a college student?
nicteis
I’m late to this party, and have no idea what previous turns the Great Sarah Preggers Scandal has taken. But isn’t her behavior easily explained?
She didn’t want to have to deal with a Downs baby. An abortion would be political suicide. So she turned to the Person who carries out more abortions than all doctors combined – her Deity. If she ran the fetus through a gauntlet of as many dangerous behaviors as possible – amniocentesis, high altitude late in a tricky pregnancy, taking as long as possible to get to a doctor after her water broke – just maybe a merciful God would see His way clear to performing the abortion she didn’t dare seek out from any more visible source.
Didn’t work, she’s stuck with what Levi claims she calls “the retard”, and she has gamely and smarmily accepted her fate. But her behavior throughout was strictly rational, and she emerged with complete deniability for what her constituents would regard as attempted murder.
Occam’s razor says this is the story. What’s led Sully to pass over it for more lurid possibilities?