Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

You’re just a puppy masquerading as an old coot.

Republicans can’t even be trusted with their own money.

These days, even the boring Republicans are nuts.

Republicans are radicals, not conservatives.

The arc of history bends toward the same old fuckery.

Let’s finish the job.

“The defense has a certain level of trust in defendant that the government does not.”

My years-long effort to drive family and friends away has really paid off this year.

This fight is for everything.

Stop using mental illness to avoid talking about armed white supremacy.

They fucked up the fucking up of the fuckup!

Republicans got rid McCarthy. Democrats chose not to save him.

“Cheese and Kraken paired together for the appetizer trial.”

Balloon Juice has never been a refuge for the linguistically delicate.

We cannot abandon the truth and remain a free nation.

As long as McCarthy is Speaker, the House will never be in order.

We are builders in a constant struggle with destroyers. let’s win this.

Republican speaker of the house Mike Johnson: the bland and smiling face of evil.

“Jesus paying for the sins of everyone is an insult to those who paid for their own sins.”

No Justins, No Peace

I know this must be bad for Joe Biden, I just don’t know how.

The party of Reagan has become the party of Putin.

Is it negotiation when the other party actually wants to shoot the hostage?

If you are still in the GOP, you are either an extremist yourself, or in bed with those who are.

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Open Thread

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I’m cleaning and waiting for the NFL to start with Psych on in the background, and I think I just heard my favorite Psych quote to date:

Morgan: Are you sure?
Shawn: I’m Al B. Sure watching Diane Sure apply Sure roll-on.
Morgan: That’s pretty sure.
Shawn: That’s all day sure.

At any rate, you have absolutely no idea how hard it is to change a shower curtain with one arm. Good times.

Reader Interactions

88Comments

  1. 1.

    cmorenc

    Why do you feel a sudden urge to change the shower curtain? Even if it could use changing out, why this hour, this day, rather than another when you had someone around to assist?

    Yeah, I realize what the task entails – been there, done that (with two good arms/hands) less than a month ago. Not quite as dirt-simple as it sounds, but not terribly difficult either.

  10. 10.

    Betsy

    @Max:
    Mine doesn’t, but probably would if I had turned my collarbone into a jigsaw puzzle.

    Edit: And my partner’s mother, bless her heart, would look at it as an opportunity sent by God to give our apartment the kind of cleaning that she thinks it has needed for four years now.

  11. 11.

    scav

    Stop, put your clothes on and your mop down. Step away from the bathroom. John, your mother will need something to do to occupy herself and at least dust and debris will keep her away from other scary things.

  14. 14.

    eastriver

    Get some help, JC. I would recommend a trained monkey. Or perhaps an amusing midget. And use Dragon for your blogging.

  15. 15.

    General Winfield Stuck

    Just let me know when we have the next Project Runway thread. I want to learn serious stuff.

    **not meant for you Max, but to razz Cole, let’s see if he takes the bait :)

  16. 16.

    John Cole

    @scav: No. There are 9 days of accumulated filth in my place since I hurt myself, and it is embarrassing and I don’t WANT my mother to see it. I am cleaning and YOU CAN NOT STOP ME.

  17. 17.

    Max

    I need to go on record with something….

    If the fucking Jets win, I will seriously have to resist the urge to jump off my roof.

    Go Colts! and the Vikes (although I’d be okay with the Saints)!

    ETA – ha ha very funny General. Maybe the new front page poster will make it all Project Runway, all the time!

  19. 19.

    scav

    @John Cole: ok, ok, you’re a big boy, but at least put your clothes on, step slowly and carefully around the soap or she may be seeing parts of you she hasn’t seen in a long long time. oh, and a part of your problem with the shower curtain may be that you are apparently typing on the laptop as you hang the thing and all with one wing hanging limp. What are you, an octopus?

  21. 21.

    David

    Aw, Diane Schuur would cry if she read this post and realized you couldn’t spell her name. She’s blind, so it’s unlikely, but still.

  24. 24.

    JGabriel

    Don’t forget to one-arm fold your laundry, one-arm scrub the oven and kitchen walls naked, one-arm bathe Tunch and Lily, one-arm take your computer apart and change the video card, and one-arm make homemade pizza.

    .

  27. 27.

    Corner Stone

    @eastriver:

    the Jets are going to win. Win, I tell you!

    I’m not a Colts fan but if that POS Rex Ryan wins this game I may go on a rampage.

  29. 29.

    asiangrrlMN

    Why aren’t you watching the NHL national game of the week which always seems to be Pitt and/or Penn?

    Cole, please, seriously, be careful. You have an astounding talent for hurting yourself (I do, too, but at least I don’t try to change a shower curtain with one hand while I have a broken scapula).

  30. 30.

    CaseyL

    @John Cole: Cleaning up embarrassing stuff – dirty dishes piled in the kitchen, books/magazines lying around, unwashed laundry strewn everywhere – OK, take care of that stuff. And maybe wipe down counters and sinks. And toilets, cause I gotta say there are few things ickier than unscoured toilets.

    But to hang a shower curtain you have to CLIMB ONTO something and BALANCE there while juggling curtain rod, curtain rings, and curtain – and, in your case, doing so one-handed. Bad idea.

    So the hell with the shower curtain. Clean the stuff that doesn’t pose an imminent threat of slipping, falling, impaling, and suffocating yourself, mkai?

    Thank you. This has been a public service announcement by the Organization of Concerned Fans of John Cole, Please God Don’t Kill Yourself Housecleaning You Idiot.

  31. 31.

    Cat Lady

    As much as I hate all NY teams, I’m going with the Jets today. Pulling the starters in the 3rd quarter against the Jets was one of the biggest dick moves ever made, and as a Pats fan I’ve seen many. I want to see the Peytie Pout (TM) and Manning happy feet all day long, because karma’s a bitch, Sanchez is cute, and the football gods have been trifled with. I hope they lose on a 4th and 2.

  33. 33.

    eastriver

    @Cat Lady:

    That’s a huge endorsement from Pats fan. (The folks who brung us Scott Brown and his Truck of Reknown.)

    Hey, how’d the Sox do this year? I forget…

  34. 34.

    cmorenc

    @john cole

    @cmorenc: Surgery Tuesday. Mom coming tomorrow night. House must be clean by then or, well, there is no or. The house must be clean by then.

    John:

    If I was a local friend of yours, this is the sort of thing I’d be glad to come over and assist you with, or (post-Tuesday am) come over and do for you. This is the sort of thing a real friend won’t regard as any imposition at all, especially so long as there’s a cold beer waiting on the other end of it. It’s not as if you’d be needing to ask someone to remodel your bathroom for you.

    BTW: I spent nearly eight weeks one time as a virtual one-armed man due to an injury/surgery to my right hand (and I’m right-handed). I had to learn to do *everything* with my left hand, including learning to passably hand-write. It’s a hassle and an interesting learning experience at the same time.

  37. 37.

    arguingwithsignposts

    @John Cole:

    because Mom is still pissed about SB III.

    Damn, that’s a long-held grudge.

    I would be fine with either the Vikes or Saints in the SB. Both have good storylines (although the Favre hagiography would probably peak the meter).

    On the other side, Colts all the way. I like the precision of their offense, even if Manning is a Republican. And I can not bear to hear the rending of garments that would happen if they lost to the Jets who ended their shot at a perfect season. Even a couple of hours away from Indy, I’d hear the uproar.

    Also, I don’t think I could bear the New Yawk ego overload if the Jets got in there (also the Sanchez University of Spoiled Children angle to help my distaste).

  42. 42.

    Kryptik

    I’m rooting Jets for only two reasons:

    1) Restaurants and Bars around here will have more specials to celebrate a Jets SB appearance if they win.

    2) I abhor the Colts.

  45. 45.

    asiangrrlMN

    I said this earlier, but I want to repeat it here:

    And, just because I can, I don’t know for whom I will root in today’s game. As I speculated last week, on the one hand, the Vikings are my team. On the other hand, if they make the SB, they will have even more leverage to force the taxpayers of Hennepin County to finance a brand-new $800 M stadium. On the third hand, I really like most of the guys on the team and think they deserve a chance to go to the SB. On the fourth hand, fuck Brett Favre with a rusty pitchfork. So, yeah, we’ll see come game-time for whom I will be rooting (probably the Vikes, but I won’t be heartbroken if the Saints win).

    And, go Colts!

  46. 46.

    Bad Horse's Filly

    Since this is an open thread I will share what happened this a.m. at my house. I had a bag of trash that needed to go outside. It was a slow morning here and I needed coffee before I addressed this. One of my cats decided he needed to open this bag of trash. He’s never bothered the trash before. It took me yelling at him twice and he stopped. Didn’t bother it, didn’t even go near it. So I forgot my plan to take it outside before I showered.

    When I got out of the shower, all the other cats were outside the door, looking completely innocent (more like,
    hey, don’t blame me, I was here the whole time!) and my little trouble-maker was conspicously absent. I found him happlily in the middle of a torn open bag of trash.

    The thought process behind his actions scares me. A well thought out, deceptive act. I hate to think what they plan when I’m asleep.

  49. 49.

    Bad Horse's Filly

    @SIA: This is a Psych quote.

    Also for John, I completely understand. Just before back surgery my mom came out to help after and I had to make sure the house was clean, clean, clean. Husband (now ex) was useless – which is why mom had to come out in the first place, so all the vaccuming and mopping fell to me, back injury and all.

    So I get where you’re coming from, even if no one else does.

  52. 52.

    Max

    Need help in how to cook a 5lb pork shoulder.

    It was on sale for $.99/lb @ Safeway, so I bought it, but now I’m looking at it not quite sure what to do with it.

    Nothing too complicated and hopefully, I have the ingredients on hand, as I’m not totally not in the mood to go to the store.

    No brine, can’t do sugar.

    I was thinking something with red wine and garlic and rosemary, but I don’t even know what temp to cook this sucker at and how long.

  53. 53.

    asiangrrlMN

    @SIA: Oh, that would be priceless. Especially if BHF was wearing a towel, just having stepped out of the shower. Snicker.

    @Max: Crock pot! (Please note, I don’t cook, so I am talking out of my ass).

  58. 58.

    SIA

    @Max: I have had luck with those but I have to keep my cooking simple. I use a bit of oil and brown the meat on all sides, then put either in the oven around 375-400 degrees or in a crock pot. Add some water or onion broth, salt & pepper, carrots, onions, potatoes and let it cook slowly until the thermometer shows internal 200 degrees. Sounds yummy.

  61. 61.

    scav

    @Bad Horse’s Filly: oh, anybody with a mother can understand where he’s coming from. We’re just trying to ease him away from the edge because it’s very slippery and his luck and balance have not been so good. Besides, as I doubt I could ever live up to my mother’s expectations, I think that once in a while I might as well fail big.

  64. 64.

    Max

    I think I missed my crock pot window.

    @SIA: Thanks. I think I can handle that.

    I am a really good cook, learning from my father the gourmet chef. Soups, risottos, enchiladas, chilis, pasta, eggplant parm, etc, I can cook like a pro, but for some reason, meat intimidates me. Even making burgers freaks me out.

    BTW – I sort of followed this recipe yesterday for White Chicken Chili and it was yummy. I recommend.

    ETA – @jeffreyw – had chili (see above) yesterday. looking to keep it roasty for sandwiches for work.

  66. 66.

    SIA

    @Max: I might have that oven temperature a little high – my oven seems to take higher temps and longer cook times. I read a couple recipes that said 350 and then reduce to 250 or even less, but that takes too long for me. Also my meat thermometer rarely goes as high as they say it should but haven’t killed myself with my own cooking yet. LOL.

  67. 67.

    eastriver

    @Max:

    I’m more crack pot than crock pot.

    Whatever method you choose, Max. Low and slow. Low. And slow.

    (I made chili yesterday for today’s game. Time to get ready. Friends coming over.)

  69. 69.

    licensed to kill time

    When I broke my ankle and had surgery on it, the simplest things became impossible. Taking a shower required a bath chair, plastic garbage bags and duct tape and a ridiculous amount of prep time. I was so paranoid about falling again once I graduated from a walker to crutches that I would take the long way around from the living room to the bedroom to avoid going up and down a flight of stairs (and having kids demonstrate their ability to hop up and down steps w/crutches did.not.help., thanks!)

    I was waited on hand and foot by my SO and friends, and was grateful for it every day. Breakfast in bed, the whole nine yards. Though I was frequently reminded to enjoy it while it lasted because it was not a permanent thing, I kinda wished it would go on forever. It’s good to be King and to have your own way, whatever they say.

    I wouldn’t break my ankle again for a million bucks though. It really fucking hurt.

    I think you are a champ, JC. Don’t kill yourself prepping for your Mom’s visit, ok?

    P.S. I have wondered ever since you posted about using a doorknob to pop your shoulder back in place – how the heck do you do that? Just in case I ever have to? Please post instructions – it sounded bloody awful.

  71. 71.

    South of I-10

    @Incertus: Everyone around here is acting like 6 years olds on Christmas Eve. My husband may come unglued before kick off.

    I just “saved” a whole lot of money at Target, and I’m going to make a beef stew for the big game.

  72. 72.

    gogol's wife

    licensed to kill time wrote, “P.S. I have wondered ever since you posted about using a doorknob to pop your shoulder back in place – how the heck do you do that? Just in case I ever have to? Please post instructions – it sounded bloody awful.”

    If you do that, please make it a separate, well-labeled post so I don’t read it by mistake. Thanks.

  74. 74.

    eastriver

    gojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojetsgojets

  77. 77.

    asiangrrlMN

    @jeffreyw: And, in the post about another front-page poster, I recommended you with the new tag, Food Pr0n.

    @South of I-10: VIKINGS! Or not. I am so conflicted.

    @The Raven: I didn’t read it quite as sympathetically as you did. He also said they needed to do something constructive and not just rail against the government. I suspect it’s probably reader bias that I bring into my reading.

  78. 78.

    Task Force Ripper

    @The Raven:

    It’s called journalism. Reich identifies populist anger, explains it to a large public, and treats it sympathetically.

    I’m not disagreeing with him, but I think it’s more of an Op-Ed column than any real journalism.
    IMO it just doesn’t seem very revealing to say that people are mad as hell and those same people can be found across the spectrum.
    He suggests there is something they can do but if he said what that was then I missed it.

  80. 80.

    metalgirl

    @CaseyL: “Thank you. This has been a public service announcement by the Organization of Concerned Fans of John Cole, Please God Don’t Kill Yourself Housecleaning You Idiot.”

    Well said!! Take care, JC. Will Tunch and Lily be posting on surgery day?

  81. 81.

    jeffreyw

    @asiangrrlMN: The photo open thread tags seem to have fallen by the wayside, it would be fine to see them revived as food pr0n threads. I have some sample pics if Tim or Doug need them.

  83. 83.

    You Don't Say

    I have a totally ignorant football-related question for anyone who would be so kind to answer:

    Why was Joe Namath considered a playboy?

  86. 86.

    Nemoudeis

    @asiangrrlMN:It doesn’t matter whether or not the Vikings make it to the Super Bowl. A stadium will be built: it’s only a matter of who it will be for (the Vikings or some crappy expansion/failed-elsewhere franchise), when it will be done (around 2012 or 2022), and how much it will cost ($700 million in 2012 or $2 billion in 2022). Face it, either narrative is in the bag; it’s more likely that the sun will refuse to rise tomorrow (or Michelle Bachmann will wake up sane) than an NFL stadium won’t get built here.

    And I’ve never had a problem with either the Packers or Brett Favre. The Pack occasionally stomped all over my Vikings hopes and dreams, but we’ve always dished at least as much back at them. And when it comes down to it, fans of both teams at least have common ground in our mutual hatred of those loathsome Bears.

  87. 87.

    fbihop

    Psych is one of my favorite shows on TV. Even though a lot of people find Shawn annoying, I think the play between him and everyone on the cast (except maybe Juliet, the “will they or won’t they get together” crap on TV shows really annoys me) is perfect.

    Though it is one of the few USA shows that doesn’t have an overarching story (White Collar, Neil is trying to get his girlfriend back, in Burn Notice, Michael is trying to figure out who burned him, Monk tried to find out who killed his wife), it is consistently good.

  88. 88.

    freelancer

    @fbihop:

    Agreed: I have way too many favorite quotes:

    Receptionist: There is a Lt. Crunch here to see you.
    Burton ‘Gus’ Guster: Crunch?
    Shawn Spencer: [enters, dressed in a Civil War uniform] Actually, I’ve been promoted. It’s Captain Crunch.

    and

    Shawn Spencer: Oh, you mean my pilot’s license? That’s out back in the Cessna. Or perhaps you’re referring to my license to kill. Revoked. Trouble at the Kazakhstan border. I could give you the details but then I’d have to kill you, which I can’t do because my license to kill has been revoked.

    and for the grammar nerd:

    Karen Vick: It goes without saying, Mr. Spencer, that your father is in no way to participate in this investigation. He’s no longer on the force, and his meddling could compromise the case in court. Do I make myself clear?
    Shawn Spencer: Yes, you do, Chief. What isn’t clear is why people always say “goes without saying,” yet still feel compelled to say the thing that was supposed to go without saying. Doesn’t that bother you?
    Karen Vick: No, and frankly, I could care less.
    Burton ‘Gus’ Guster: Now, that’s the one that bothers me. Why do people say, ‘I could care less’ when they really mean, ‘I couldn’t care less?’
    Karen Vick: Well, why don’t you tell me how to properly say this? If you share any official information about this case with your father, or let him anywhere near any new evidence, then the two of you will have to find another police department to work for, and I will personally see to it that each of you is charged with obstruction of justice.
    Burton ‘Gus’ Guster: You split an infinitive.
    Shawn Spencer: Good catch, Gus!
    Karen Vick: You two realize I carry a gun, right?
    Burton ‘Gus’ Guster: That was perfectly elocuted.

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