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You are here: Home / Politics / Republican Stupidity / Sen. Shelby Shakedown: America Held Hostage

Sen. Shelby Shakedown: America Held Hostage

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I don’t think New York Magazine’s epithet for Alabama’s Latest Shame is quite specific enough, because who north of the Mason-Dixon line knows which is the “Cotton State”? But they absolutely have found the best Getty photo of Shelby Steal, so you should give them the click and go admire it for yourselves.

Ezra Klein’s ransom note is pretty good, too.

Other potential labels from our brilliant BJ commentariat:

Senator Crimson Bribe
Sen. French Connection
The Alabama Extortionist
Senator Porkwall
Senator Squeegee Man
The ‘Bama Blackmailer
Sen. Earmarks-for-Airbus
Sen. Shellgame
The ‘Bama Scammer
Sen. “Roll Bribe!”
Shelby the French Privateer
Sen. Shelby (R-Toyota / Airbus)

And finally: “… has ‘traitor’ been taken?”

Choose a favorite below, or add your own!

Reader Interactions

118Comments

  21. 21.

    rootless_e

    sweet home alabama
    where the earmarks are so green
    sweet home alabama
    lord i’m just a k-street dream

  23. 23.

    jeffreyw

    @Allan: I would guess an on line diploma, but again, that implies a certain tech sophistication I would bet he lacks. Maybe a grandkid made a few buck and filled the form in for him?

  24. 24.

    Shalimar

    Shelby does not photograph well. His picture is still up on some gigantic old campaign billboards around here and he’s basically a pitchfork and horns away from looking like the devil. And that is in a self-chosen picture.

  26. 26.

    Morbo

    Personally I’d prefer to avoid any of the ones vilifying the French and leave the jingo to the R-side. Crimson Bribe, Bama Scammer and Roll Bribe are tops for me.

  31. 31.

    Equal Opportunity Cynic

    I don’t think New York Magazine’s epithet for Alabama’s Latest Shame is quite specific enough, because who north of the Mason-Dixon line knows which is the “Cotton State”?

    I’m a native Alabamian and I couldn’t tell you which is the Cotton State. Heart of Dixie is the official state name on all the license plates, because “FUCK YOU! WE’LL KEEP VOTING FOR THESE CLOWNS” is too long fit.

  33. 33.

    Dr. J

    Why are the senators from Washington and, especially, Kansas allowing him to do this? If the contract is taken from Boeing, it hurts their constituents. Brownback and Roberts should be trying to shut Shelby down, if they really were intent on serving the state they are elected from.

  34. 34.

    Dr. J

    Why are the senators from Washington and, especially, Kansas allowing him to do this? If the contract is taken from Boeing, it hurts their constituents. Brownback and Roberts should be trying to shut Shelby down, if they really were intent on serving the state they are elected from.

  39. 39.

    rootless_e

    Peter Marshall: Paul, the state flag of Alabama is all white with one very distinctive feature. What is it?
    Paul Lynde: Eye holes!

  41. 41.

    PaulW

    Problem is some of those nicknames apply to Nick Saban.

    ZING

    My personal favorite for Shelby though has to be Sen. Roll Bribe. As long as ‘Bama football team gets mocked in the process, I’m all for it (from a Gators alum with a War Eagle mom! >:-) )

  46. 46.

    Jay S

    Why are the senators from Washington and, especially, Kansas allowing him to do this?

    The senators from Washington are from the 57+2 seat minority party.

  48. 48.

    Anne Laurie

    @Equal Opportunity Cynic:

    Heart of Dixie is the official state name on all the license plates, because “FUCK YOU! WE’LL KEEP VOTING FOR THESE CLOWNS” is too long fit.

    LOL. I grew up in New York, where I was taught that the state motto read “packaging material” (Excelsior) because the people who designed it thought Bullshit was insufficiently dignified.

  49. 49.

    John O

    The great Senator from the great State of Alabama’s feedback website asked me to verify one of those squiggly, sometimes hard-to-read confirmation codes, to this…

    What you are doing is unconscionable, and if you utter a peep about Nelson’s almost equally bad bribe in NE, I will forever think you are a horrible human being.

    I understand you’re supposed to protect your state. I just don’t think you should put it before your country.

    What happened to the GOP I liked so many things about? My beloved grandfather’s GOP?

    Sincerely,

    John Onorato
    Mundelein, IL 60060

    …and it was the easiest one to read I’ve ever seen, no question about any of ’em, and on my fifth try I gave up.

    Me thinks the Senator might understand he stepped in it. Then again, it could be just a technical problem.

  51. 51.

    John O

    FYWP.

    Full text:

    What you are doing is unconscionable, and if you utter a peep about Nelson’s almost equally bad bribe in NE, I will forever think you are a horrible human being.

    I understand you’re supposed to protect your state. I just don’t think you should put it before your country.

    What happened to the GOP I liked so many things about? My beloved grandfather’s GOP?

    Sincerely,

    John Onorato
    Mundelein, IL 60060

    Zippo, nada, nilch in terms of being able to send it.

  52. 52.

    RSR

    @asiangrrlMN: Nice! It’s fits his whole m.o.:

    Originally elected to the Senate as a Democrat, Shelby switched to the Republican Party in 1994 when it gained the majority in Congress.

    (wikipedia entry)

  56. 56.

    beltane

    I have nothing witty to add, but I just want to let you guys know that you’re all incredibly funny today. It is so much more fun going after Republicans than threatening to primary Bernie Sanders.

  58. 58.

    Violet

    @PaulW:

    My personal favorite for Shelby though has to be Sen. Roll Bribe.

    Me too! Lots more people know “Roll Tide” than the Cotton State. And it just rolls (heh) off the tongue.

    @DonkeyKong:

    Sweety Pie?

    Isn’t that Moon Pie?

  63. 63.

    mbuchel

    Further evidence that everything is always good news for republicans. Marc Ambinder:

    “And if you were the Republican Party, or a Republican candidate who wanted to run against Washington, wouldn’t you blast Shelby too?”

    Villager insight never fails to amaze.

  64. 64.

    John O

    “Roll Bribe” requires too many steps of association to me compared to “Crimson Bribe.” I think more people would associate “Crimson Bribe” faster than “Roll Bribe,” but that’s just a guess since most of us connect both.

    Those are my two faves, though, with the late entry of “Dick Holder” an impossible but still very funny third choice.

  66. 66.

    Shalimar

    Waiting for Robert Byrd to do something stupid, so we can call the resulting scandal Mountaineer Madness and see if Cole objects.

  68. 68.

    geg6

    Crimson Bribe is FTfuckingW. Anyone would get that. It took me a minute to get the reference to “roll Tide,” being a dyed in the wool and elitist Yankee who, even though Joe Namath played there for Papa Bear, never evinces an ounce of interest if it happens more than a few hundred miles below the Mason Dixon Line. Though once I got it, it was sorta awesome.

  72. 72.

    Equal Opportunity Cynic

    @John O:

    I called one of his local offices as a constituent and got the voice mail. It encouraged me to leave a message, but the VM was full. Perhaps they just haven’t bothered to empty it, or perhaps they really are hearing about it. I’ll hope for the latter. (But it won’t matter — where this really might matter is in painting other Republicans in competitive states. The “small government” tea partiers here will always vote for Shelby as long as keeps the big government from taking away our pork.)

  74. 74.

    KDP

    OT

    Gawker has a link to the full unedited Stewart/O’Reilly face-off with the broadcast segments for comparison.

    Gawker Post here

  78. 78.

    demkat620

    But isn’t Alabama one of those do it yourself States Rights states that don’t want them peoples from the fedral gubmint helping them?

    What do they need our money for anyway? Aren’t they self sufficient?

  80. 80.

    TR

    But isn’t Alabama one of those do it yourself States Rights states that don’t want them peoples from the fedral gubmint helping them?

    Yep, it’s also one of those states that gets much more back from the gubmint than they pay in. In 2004, they were getting like $1.60 back for every tax dollar.

  88. 88.

    CalD

    I keep coming back to Dog Day Afternoon. It’s got attempted robbery, a hostage situation, even demands for an airplane in exchange for the releasing hostages.

  90. 90.

    beltane

    @CalD: Didn’t Dog Day Afternoon have something to do with stealing money for a lover’s sex-change operation? Or am I thinking of something else.

  91. 91.

    minachica

    I vote for “Crimson Bribe” too. I’m no-sports Northerner and even I got that, plus it made me think of “blood on his hands.”

  93. 93.

    John O

    The best in terms of clarity is, “Senator Richard Shelby, R-Toyota, Airbus.”

    The Toyota thing has to be bumming him out just a bit right about now.

  96. 96.

    robertdsc

    Crimson Bribe and Tuscaloosa Traitor work for me.

    Moreover, I’m fucking embarrassed by the whole goddamned thing. What the fuck is wrong with these people?

  98. 98.

    General Winfield Stuck

    @Ella in NM:

    How about “Sen. Richard Shelby, the Tuscaloosa Traitor”?

    Yes, Ella, I agree, giving up the fact we were listening to OBL before Shelby informed the world we were and OBL clamming up chatting on his sat phone, qualifies as Traitor in my book.

  101. 101.

    Breezeblock

    Fucking douchebag ofay cracker piece of crap?

    Whoops, forgot scumbag comb-over dillhole.

  112. 112.

    petorado

    Sweet Scam Alabama

    (with apologies to Lynyrd Skynyrd)

    But for a bunch of freakin’ liberals, where’s the Neil Young love?

    I give you the updated version of “Alabama” …

    Oh Alabama
    The devil’s fool
    laid the best scam.
    Swing yet even lower Alabama
    You think we’ve got billions in spare change
    Shelby’s got to feel strange
    And now the blanket hold
    isn’t all that it meant.

    Alabama, you got
    bribery on your shoulders
    That’s breaking our backs.
    Your Toyota
    has got a wheel in the ditch
    And a wheel on the track

  113. 113.

    Eli Rabett

    It’s real simple, Obama merely tells the bureaucracy, “we need to put a hold on any funds going to Alabama to ensure that they are properly accounted for”.

  114. 114.

    Basilisc

    How about “The consequences of Obama’s not doing enough to reach out to Republicans”.

    JK. But how many of you don’t think that will be the thesis of a David Broder column very soon?

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