Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

My years-long effort to drive family and friends away has really paid off this year.

Too often we hand the biggest microphones to the cynics and the critics who delight in declaring failure.

The worst democrat is better than the best republican.

Republican obstruction dressed up as bipartisanship. Again.

“woke” is the new caravan.

Everyone is in a bubble, but some bubbles model reality far better than others!

Wow, you are pre-disappointed. How surprising.

Jesus, Mary, & Joseph how is that election even close?

fuckem (in honor of the late great efgoldman)

No one could have predicted…

It’s easy to sit in safety and prescribe what other people should be doing.

We’ll be taking my thoughts and prayers to the ballot box.

Let us savor the impending downfall of lawless scoundrels who richly deserve the trouble barreling their way.

Authoritarian republicans are opposed to freedom for the rest of us.

Not all heroes wear capes.

Today’s GOP: why go just far enough when too far is right there?

That’s my take and I am available for criticism at this time.

… riddled with inexplicable and elementary errors of law and fact

Whatever happens next week, the fight doesn’t end.

Ron DeSantis, the grand wizard, oops, governor of FL

Make the republican party small enough to drown in a bathtub.

I’d like to think you all would remain faithful to me if i ever tried to have some of you killed.

There are consequences to being an arrogant, sullen prick.

The republican caucus is already covering themselves with something, and it’s not glory.

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Who can tell anymore?

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The American Family Association:

If the counsel of the Judeo-Christian tradition had been followed, Tillikum would have been put out of everyone’s misery back in 1991 and would not have had the opportunity to claim two more human lives.

Says the ancient civil code of Israel, “When an ox gores a man or woman to death, the ox shall be stoned, and its flesh shall not be eaten, but the owner shall not be liable.” (Exodus 21:28)

The Onion:

“Wow, it’s good to be here, just shootin’ the breeze with a bunch of real, hardworking Americans who love their freedom,” said Palin, her words echoing across the Idaho Falls Civic Auditorium as mighty tremors caused great unrest beneath the land and the sea. “So are the little guys like you and me gonna fight these Washington insiders with their big government agenda? You betcha we are!”

And lo, there was then a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth of hair; and the moon became as blood; and “gosh” was spoken repeatedly; and the stars of heaven fell upon the earth, even as a fig tree casteth her untimely figs, when she is shaken by a mighty wind.

[…..]

One member of the crowd not torn apart by swarming harpies told reporters he feared living in a country where his daughters would grow up speaking Spanish and not be allowed to carry handguns.

Reader Interactions

58Comments

  4. 4.

    Crashman06

    Doesn’t say anything in the Bible about orcas, does it? Aren’t these idiots supposed to take the good book word for word?

  5. 5.

    jeffreyw

    For Sarah P, I think that when she hears “The end times are coming!” she looks over her shoulder at a mirror and thinks “I’ve got that covered”.

  6. 6.

    AhabTRuler

    @Chyron HR: That comment is extraordinarily offensive. To even think of comparing an Orca to those morons, even in jest, is to besmirch the honor and dignity of all proud Killer Whales.

  7. 7.

    licensed to kill time

    Well obviously if the ox gets stoned you shouldn’t eat its flesh because you would get a contact high and who knows where that would end.

  8. 8.

    Brachiator

    @Crashman06:

    Doesn’t say anything in the Bible about orcas, does it? Aren’t these idiots supposed to take the good book word for word?

    Well, the Bible speaks only of Jonah being swallowed by a “big fish,” which leaves wiggle room for all manner of aquatic Jesus Lizards.

  10. 10.

    Mark S.

    Ha! I assumed Tillikum was some murderer who got paroled and killed again.

    Was Captain Ahab doing the Lord’s work?

  11. 11.

    Tonal Crow

    The following comment on the WM story is just precious:

    If the Biblical injunction applies to all animals and not just oxen, why should the Biblical injunction be seen as applying only to animals? Why not apply it to other things that one has dominion over? For instance, if a food processing corporation has procedures that let a lot of e.coli through, and someone sickens and dies as a result, then the corporation should be required to fix those procedures, with no fault judged against them if they do. But if they fail to fix those procedures and more people die, then the corporate executives should be stoned, and that corporate operation should be destroyed as well….Posted by: low-tech cyclist on March 6, 2010 at 1:41 PM

    Ya think the AFA’ll endorse this position?

  12. 12.

    Linda Featheringill

    You realize, don’t you, that 90% of the rightwing does not understand 90% of what is going on with The Onion, probably about 90% of the time.

    Good fun, though, for the rest of us!

  14. 14.

    Bill E Pilgrim

    @licensed to kill time: Total and complete win.

    I think it’s fairly clear in any case that if you did eat a stoned Orca, the correct expression afterward would be “Man, that was some killer whale”.

  16. 16.

    licensed to kill time

    @AhabTRuler: You might become a stoned ox flesh junkie and start lurking around at ox stonings to get your fix. Kids, just say no to stoned ox!

  18. 18.

    CT Voter

    Gah.

    And thanks, Dougj for that “I’ve never been to Spain” post. I now have that loathsome 70s song rattling around in my brain, and I can’t get it out.

    “In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight…..”

    Maybe that’ll supplant the other one.

  20. 20.

    Bill E Pilgrim

    @me:

    The bacteria did the killing, so they should be stoned. Gonna need millions of microscopic pebbles.

    Oh good lord.

    Nanofundamentalism.

    I think you just invented an entire, horrible, new field.

    I bet they start printing little nanobibles any day now.

  22. 22.

    Randy P

    @CT Voter: Try these, see if they help.

    “What the world (pause)
    Needs now (pause)
    Is love (pause)
    Sweet love (pause)
    That’s the only thing (pause)
    That there’s just (pause) too little of…”

    “I got a brand new pair of roller skates, you got a brand new key…”

    I always go straight to these two when I’m trying to think of bad songs from my transistor radio/AM-top-40 youth.

    Ringo Starr had a few solo gems too.

    You’re welcome.

  25. 25.

    Citizen_X

    Less funny, more scary Talibanjoists: I think it was here that I first heard of Repent Amarillo. Here’s an article about their creepy stalking behavior. (And that is not even slightly exaggerating.)

  27. 27.

    MattF

    Conversation overheard 2500 years ago:

    A: Let’s claim it’s teh word of God.
    B: Ha! But do we really want the idiot vote?
    A: Don’t worry, we smarties will always be in charge.

  28. 28.

    General Egali Tarian Stuck

    and its flesh shall not be eaten

    Wingnut meat is bitter and stringy, unless toasted to a combustible Fahrenheit 451. Otherwise just feed it to your pet liberal lion.

  29. 29.

    Redshift

    I’d say the exception to Poe’s Law is that satire tends to be a lot funnier, whereas actual fundamentalist whackery just makes you shake your head in disbelief.

  30. 30.

    Redshift

    @Citizen_X: Yeah. However, I did like the last comment on the article, where an Amarillo resident says that a lot of people use Repent’s “target list” as a shopping guide. Let’s hope that’s he’s telling the truth when he says that’s majority there.

  31. 31.

    LuciaMia

    Trying to remember who else is on the Biblical stoning list? Isn’t ‘women wearing men’s clothes’ on there somewhere?

  34. 34.

    ajr22

    Really, no one here likes the idea of pulling this huge whale out of its tank, beaching it, and letting a bunch of wingnuts beat it to death with rocks? I would actually sacrifice this whale and let them do this, because it might take some insane stunt by the religious right to actually scare people into realizing how nuts they are. Could you just imagine the coverage “Right wing church stones whale to death, and we have the video” “next we have Eric cantor on to discuss why Obama is an extremist”

  35. 35.

    General Egali Tarian Stuck

    Mr. DougJ. This is a great post. More along these lines please.

    Following the links from Pharyngula. The sweethearts from Repent Amarillo and their targets. I hate living next to these lizards, I really do. Even in SW NM, it is too damn close. I lived for a year in what we call “Little Texas” or the SE part of NM. Crazy cold hearted mofo’s they be.

    1. Gay pride events.
    2. Earth worship events such as “Earth Day”
    3. Pro-abortion events or places such as Planned Parenthood
    4. Breast cancer events such as “Race for the Cure” to illuminate the link between abortion and breast cancer.
    5. Opening day of public schools to reach out to students.
    6. Spring break events.
    7. Demonically based concerts.
    8. Halloween events.
    9. Other events that may arise that the ministry feels called to confront.

    The war on Halloween is especially spooky.

  36. 36.

    Bill E Pilgrim

    @ajr22: That’s hilarious. However I’d rather see the nanofundamentalists shrinking themselves down to try and personally beat every birth control pill molecule to death.

    I wonder if “Fantastic Voyage” will become like Red Dawn for NanoFundies.

  39. 39.

    Bill E Pilgrim

    @Mike E: Agggggggh.

    As someone hinted at above: Satire is dead.

    “Here lies Satire, overtaken by reality, in the year of our NanoLord 01. RIP.”

    That is all.

  40. 40.

    Tonal Crow

    Is there something to the idea of buying 30-second slots on TV to describe various examples of the right’s batshit craziness? Let’s try this out:

    ————-
    Announcer: “The ‘American Family Association’ — which promotes Republicans and Republican causes — now says we should kill Seaworld’s whale with stones — and the people tending it, too. Why? Because, they tell us, some Bible verse requires it.”

    Video: Show whale jumping while kids smile and clap.

    Announcer: “Crazy? You bet. But that’s today’s Republican Party.”

    Video: Crossfade to GOP elephant with a red backslash across it and a URL.

    ————-

    This campaign would have to be a long-term project, each installment like a few woodpecker’s pecks at the edifice of right-wing domination.

  42. 42.

    Bill E Pilgrim

    @LuciaMia:

    Trying to remember who else is on the Biblical stoning list? Isn’t ‘women wearing men’s clothes’ on there somewhere?

    I don’t think you have to be stoned to do that.

    Oh you meant the other way around. Never mind.

    They must have really hated Diane Keaton.

  43. 43.

    Ash Can

    Dear American Family Association:

    Nobody gives a fuck about how you interpret the Bible.

    Sincerely,

    The Real World

  44. 44.

    wasabi gasp

    Nano bible.

    Better than a supercharged Mega Bible with huge tires and flaming headers. Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

  45. 45.

    AhabTRuler

    Better than a supercharged Mega Bible with huge tires and flaming headers.

    Better in what way? In fact, that’s the only Bible that has sounded good so far.

  46. 46.

    kommrade reproductive vigor

    If the counsel of the Judeo-Christian tradition had been followed,

    All you pork-eating, poly-cotton blend wearing, not making your women folk sleep in a separate house when they’re menstruating motherfuckers would be in deep shit so how about you do a bit more work on that plank of yours and ignore our (and the whale’s) motes, ‘k?

    Christ, on the one hand I wish these fucks would crawl in a hole and die of parasitic worms.

    On the other hand I hope they get some TV time out of this one. As someone said above, nothing ups your street cred like agitating to beat a whale to death with rocks.

  54. 54.

    Martian Buddy

    Speaking of repeat offenders, Bart Stupak has stabbed us in the back again. Can we stone him yet?

  55. 55.

    lawguy

    I actually did think the first one was a joke. I had to go to the site and read the whole essay, and even then I found it hard to believe.

    Is it possible that there is no satire anymore?

  56. 56.

    BDeevDad

    The Judeo-Christian tradition is a crock of shit. The only thing Judeo about the tradition is the parts of the bible that are plagiarized and ignored, except the parts about teh gays. And most Jews don’t follow that section anymore (see Israeli army and gay soldiers).

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