Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

We are aware of all internet traditions.

A thin legal pretext to veneer over their personal religious and political desires

It’s easy to sit in safety and prescribe what other people should be doing.

Prediction: the GOP will rethink its strategy of boycotting future committees.

That’s my take and I am available for criticism at this time.

The republican caucus is already covering themselves with something, and it’s not glory.

Incompetence, fear, or corruption? why not all three?

Jesus, Mary, & Joseph how is that election even close?

Perhaps you mistook them for somebody who gives a damn.

You can’t love your country only when you win.

Take hopelessness and turn it into resilience.

Motto for the House: Flip 5 and lose none.

Within six months Twitter will be fully self-driving.

Fuck the extremist election deniers. What’s money for if not for keeping them out of office?

I’d hate to be the candidate who lost to this guy.

They fucked up the fucking up of the fuckup!

Good lord, these people are nuts.

Make the republican party small enough to drown in a bathtub.

Accountability, motherfuckers.

Conservatism: there are some people the law protects but does not bind and others who the law binds but does not protect.

Infrastructure week. at last.

If you are still in the GOP, you are an extremist.

Damn right I heard that as a threat.

We’ve had enough carrots to last a lifetime. break out the sticks.

You are here: Home / The only survivors of the National People’s Gang

The only survivors of the National People’s Gang

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I don’t know why I find the Hutaree rank system so funny (h/t Bronze Rifleman Doctor Science):

RANKS:
RADOK [RD] BORAMANDER [BM] ZULIF [ZL] ARKON [AK] GOLD RIFLEMAN [GR] SILVER RIFLEMAN [SR] BRONZE RIFLEMAN [BR] LUKORE [LK] MASTER GUNNER [MG] SENIOR GUNNER [SG] GUNNER [GN]

I think this may be an example of the post-wingnut mythology we’ve discussed before. It’s part Dungeons and Dragons, part Finnegans Wake, part modern corporatese (I like that “Senior Gunner” is the second-lowest rank).

The jack-booted thug meme is already taking hold, BTW (as John noted in the last post).

From now on, I would like you all to address me as Arkon DougJ.

Reader Interactions

139Comments

  6. 6.

    penpen

    not to tar them with a different kind of crazy brush but speaking of D&D, the KKK had grand wizards and dragons etc, right?

  8. 8.

    cleek

    Boramander… he’s the guy who tried to steal the ring but instead got killed by a bunch of Orcs, instead. right?

  9. 9.

    jl

    The link says there are similarities to Pokemon names.

    The sinister conspiracy widens.

    And, speaking of jack-booted thugs, when is Cole going to reveal his secreat plan for enabling WV to beat Duke?

    I will contribute in any way possible. I will even go run up a huge tab at a strip joint and bill it to Balloon-Juice. Yer welcome.

  12. 12.

    morzer

    Zulif? Someone wants to be a “zulif”? If these people weren’t so obviously deranged, I’d be rolling on the floor with laughter.

  15. 15.

    Calouste

    @penpen:

    Yep, and one of the things that played a part in their slow demise was that the ranks came out in the open and were effectively ridiculed.

  17. 17.

    Keith G

    Largely OT, though marginally related thought:

    Don’t you suppose that Russian authorities have no qualms about using torture as a weapon against terrorism?

    How’s that working for them?

  18. 18.

    Dreggas

    Do not disparage D&D by linking it with these nutballs, bad enough when they used to blame D&D for suicide and murder.

  19. 19.

    Andre

    @JGabriel:

    It looks like they have more ranks than members.

    I was thinking the same thing.

    Which of the above means “50 year old white male with limited education”?

    Oh, all of them? Never mind then.

  20. 20.

    Pete

    “post-wingnut mythology” is a phrase that will never get old in my book

    Lukore Pete +4

  21. 21.

    geg6

    cleek, dude, you are on fire tonight! Oh, and OT, but CREW has filed suit against Hannity’s and Ollie North’s “charity” which is supposed to benefit the children of soldiers. Discovery in that case should be some fine entertainment. Can’t seem to link from the BlackBerry, but Salon has the story.

  22. 22.

    SiubhanDuinne

    I clicked on that link for the jack-booted thug meme and there at FDL, where you sent me, was a photo of someone I assumed to be one of the militiamen arrested over the weekend. And I thought to myself, Hmmm, that guy sure does look a lot like Timothy McVeigh. Do all militiamen look like Timothy McVeigh? Or maybe I’m not remembering what Timothy McVeigh looked like? And then I decided to do a Google image search to see if I could pull up a photo of Timothy McVeigh to compare to the photo shown at the FDL link, and by god if those clever boots over to FDL didn’t use an actual photo! of Timothy McVeigh to illustrate their caption:

    Pictured: a non-Muslim Caucasian, and therefore, not a terrorist

  26. 26.

    JGabriel

    @MikeJ: I have a horrible feeling that the Red Dawn remake will feature, instead of Russian Commies, a Black Commie Anti-Christ Atheist Muslim Pro-Choice President and his UN Stormtroopers as the enemy.

    .

  27. 27.

    AngusJackBootedThugOfMeat

    Okay, sign me up. I welcome our new militia overlords.

    God Bless A-Moo-Ica.

  28. 28.

    Andre

    @Keith G:

    Largely OT, though marginally related thought:
    …
    Don’t you suppose that Russian authorities have no qualms about using torture as a weapon against terrorism?
    …
    How’s that working for them?

    Chechnya is the perfect explanation for why the “glass parking lot” approach to angry foreigners is doomed to failure. You genuinely couldn’t imagine a more brutal “anti-terrorism” campaign, and it continues to fail horribly.

  33. 33.

    New Yorker

    Still not as unintentionally hilarious as the ranks of the KKK like “imperial wizard”.

    Lunatic violent white people really need to come up with better titles for themselves. Idi Amin is spinning in his grave.

  34. 34.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @Arkon DougJ: What the hell did you do, go back and retroactively change your handle on every previous post? LOL.

  36. 36.

    Joseph Nobles

    Correct usage of these terms is to place the two-letter abbreviation of the title in front of your name.

    For example, RD Cole or AK DougJ.

    Y’all, I’m not lying.

    All of these names appear to have been coined by the Hutaree clan. Their RD said that it was from a dialect known by about 4 people, he being one. Sounds like speaking in tongues to me. But then there’s the Riflemen and Gunner ranks.

  38. 38.

    Zach

    Scientologists can now claim to be relatively less ridiculous when someone makes fun of thetans and xenu.

  39. 39.

    ThatLeftTurnInABQ

    Check the kerning – something crucial is missing. Where is Zod?
    There has to be a Zod.
    How can they say: “Kneel before Zod!” if Zod isn’t even on the list of ranks?

  45. 45.

    geg6

    [email protected]: Did you go to Salon? It’s the featured story on their front page. Apparently, Hannity and North have been skimming the cash and no kids are being helped by their charity. We’re talking millions of dollars.

  48. 48.

    Citizen_X

    TAKE OFF EVERY ZULIF!
    YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING.
    MOVE ALL ZULIF.
    FOR GREAT JUSTICE!

  49. 49.

    HumboldtBlue

    How shitty of a shot do you have to be to only qualify as a “Bronze Rifleman?” I mean, even me, a guy who had never held a live weapon until I reached Benning was able to shoot well enough the first time around to earn a “Marksman” badge which I was later able to upgrade to “expert.”

    Do you think that the guy who has only earned the “Bronze Rifleman” moniker was only allowed to bring donuts?

  50. 50.

    Annie

    If the draft was every reinstated, these guys would be the first to piss in their pants…

    +2

    It’s my b-day, and I figure I can say what I want — although I do, do that everyday…

  51. 51.

    dmsilev

    Sounds like Scientology. Scientologist militias, now *there’s* a scary thought.

    -dms

  52. 52.

    JGabriel

    Joseph Nobles:

    All of these names appear to have been coined by the Hutaree clan.

    I could swear Arkon was a planet or race in Star Trek. Let me check the Great Wikizardia:

    Arkon is a fictional character in the Marvel Comics Universe. He is the warlord and ruler of the extra-dimensional world of Polemachus.
    __
    Not to be confused with Akron.

    So. Not a Star Trek reference. Oh well.

    Heh. They said “Polemachus”.

    .

  53. 53.

    Kirk Spencer

    @JGabriel: Actually, the Big Bad in this version of Red Dawn is the Chinese. Go to IMBD and look for the military titles – Captain Lo, Lt Lee, etc.

    Though I have no idea how the Chinese can persuade the Cubans to launch their mighty Airborne forces.

  56. 56.

    The Populist

    Argh…innocent until proven guilty without doubt here, but anybody who defends these idiots without knowing exactly what happened better be able to eat crow should these folks get convicted.

  58. 58.

    freelancer

    @geg6:

    Yes, but what does that Salon story have to do with cleek’s joke?

    (Sorry, if I’m being thick-headed today, I’m just out of it. Poured myself into work, and now my brain is all mush.)

  61. 61.

    trollhattan

    Can I do a mashup with my Unitarian Jihad name?

    Sincerely,

    Brother Bronze Immaculate Axe of Moderate Forgiveness

  62. 62.

    John O

    Central Scrutinizer here.

    This post is a win, and anyone who doesn’t find that Order of Merit funny needs a vacation.

    I bow beneath you, Arkon DougJ.

  66. 66.

    Mnemosyne

    @geg6:

    I don’t usually read Salon comments, but the very first one cracked me up:

    Oliver North diverts money that was given in good faith and uses it for nefarious purposes?
    __
    I just didn’t see him as the type.

  72. 72.

    Kirk Spencer

    @Martin: I want to laugh at that, I really do.

    But I’m afraid your suggestion will look sensible compared to whatever they actually do to get a Chinese invasion working.

  74. 74.

    geg6

    freelancer @53: Ohhhhh! Well, I came into the thread to provide that OT note about Hannity and North and saw all the comments and cleek was on fire. So I told him that first. And because I’m on the BlackBerry, I cannot seem to get paragraph breaks to work. So that’s why it is sometimes confusing to read some of my comments.

  79. 79.

    Gordon, The Big Express Engine

    @cleek: One of my fondest college memories: Spring Break 1993 Daytona Beach. A nor-easter had tore up the east coast of florida and the weather in was awful there. We went to a mall multiplex and smuggled a bunch of liquor in to watch Groundhog Day. We were pretty lit after the movie and spent the rest of the afternoon playing Gauntlet in the mall arcade. Good times!

  80. 80.

    corwin

    Radok may refer to the Alfred Radok, director of the Czech National Theater in the 40’s – 60’s, or basically their top rank was named after a commie theater guy. This is somewhat amusing.

  81. 81.

    Jon H

    @Joseph Nobles: “Their RD said that it was from a dialect known by about 4 people, he being one”

    As a commenter, Nick Lamb, noted on Language Log, it’s like a tree house code. His description of the ranks was superfantasticawesome.

    “The kid with the treehouse gets to be “Radok” and his best friend is a “Boramander”. The kid they don’t like much is a “Lukore” except in the summer when they use his parent’s pool, then he’s “Gold Rifleman” and nobody is ever a “Silver Rifleman” because the Boramander’s sister took the silver pen.”

    They’re the He-Man Gubmint-Hater’s Club.

  83. 83.

    Jon H

    @lukor gypsy howell: “Has anyone deciphered what ‘Hutaree’ means?”

    My best guess is that someone in the group is a big fan of the John Wayne safari movie Hatari, which is supposedly Swahili for ‘Danger’

  84. 84.

    LuciaMia

    I’m flash-backing to that old Star Trek episode, where the crew was transported to the OK Corral.

  85. 85.

    LuciaMia

    Oops, forgot to add. Have the Hutaree (why do I imagine them with blue skin?) solved the problem of what automatic weapon Jesus would carry?

  86. 86.

    JGabriel

    Gordon, The Big Express Engine:

    One of my fondest college memories: … We went to a mall … and spent the rest of the afternoon playing Gauntlet in the mall arcade.

    Gordon, that’s … something you should never share in public again. Not everyone is as kind as we are.

    .

  90. 90.

    Keith

    Purely coincedentally, those are also various donor levels from Bush-Cheney ’04. Raising $50 makes you “Gunner”. To get to level Arkon requires raising $500 and selling 50 copies of “A Charge To Keep”.

  92. 92.

    Gordon, The Big Express Engine

    @JGabriel: Sure, when you take it out of context like that!!!!

    Would the story improve if I told you we were sharing a house with a bunch of sorority girls from Sewanee? OK then.

  94. 94.

    AngusJackBootedThugOfMeat

    @geg6:

    So that’s why it is sometimes confusing to read some of my comments.

    I wish I had a convenient excuse like that for some of mine.

    Heh.

    Luckily, I actually have a Blackberry. I am a terror on that hoof keyboard, too.

  96. 96.

    Kirk Spencer

    @Gordon, The Big Express Engine:

    Would the story improve if I told you we were sharing a house with a bunch of sorority girls from Sewanee? OK then.

    … So, you’re saying you and your friends preferred staying at the mall playing Gauntlet over going back to the house where the sorority girls were?

  97. 97.

    PaulW

    Some of those ranks sound… I’ve never seen those names before. What the bleep is Boramander?

    Arkon I’ve heard before. But Lukore?! What language is this, Batcrazy?

  98. 98.

    Gordon, The Big Express Engine

    @Kirk Spencer: We were there for an entire week. It was 48 degrees, windy and raining pretty much the whole time and the girls were from Sewanee, not MIT. Pros and cons to both types and not like we were any great shakes, but by midweek, the cabin fever was setting in and we needed to get away for an afternoon…

  103. 103.

    Redshirt

    The funny thing about it is they are all really just redshirts, cannon fodder to be used and chewed up by The Man, man, to dig his trenches or keep the fear alive.

    If only some theory of peace and love could get through to them. If only there was some messenger of peace of love, damnit!

  104. 104.

    FormerSwingVoter

    @trollhattan:

    Top row, from left to right:

    Teaches high school math, teaches home ec and girls’ gym, teaches Mass Effect speed playthroughs, and teaches looking-like-bald-Ben-Stiller.

  107. 107.

    Liberty60

    Re: Generalissimo Maximo Arkon:

    Humphrey Bogart said it best in Maltese Falcon-
    “The cheaper the hood the gaudier the patter!”

    Although El Cid’s line from this morning- “cosplay for milnerds” made my day.

  108. 108.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @Annie:

    Did you say it’s your birthday? Happy Birthday if it is your birthday.

    What the fnck, happy birthday even if it isn’t your birthddday.

    SD +1

  109. 109.

    asiangrrlMN

    @Annie: Happy birthday! Yeah, these guys are like Cheney and his ilk. Talking all this shit, but the first to find some medical illness to stay out of the real fighting.

    Man. This whole thread is like gibberish to me.

  110. 110.

    SiubhanDuinne

    Radok Rachel just announced that the ninth guy, who had been at large, was just apprehended and is in custody.

    And LOL she says the ranks sound like something out of Calvin and Hobbes. LOL.

  114. 114.

    Xenos

    @lukor gypsy howell:

    Has anyone deciphered what ‘Hutaree’ means?

    All I can think of is the Kiswahili word for ‘danger’ (‘hatari’), which is also the title of a John Wayne film which is most notable for the musical number we all know and love: ‘Baby Elephant Dance.’

  115. 115.

    JCT

    @Kristine:

    Please continue to use lyrics from David Bowie songs as post titles.

    Hah– I’m with you, gives me an excuse to sing (badly) and insist on playing old Bowie for my teenage son. Hell, I still have my vinyl copy of Aladdin Sane. Time to take it for a spin, thanks Doug.

    And by the way– I agree about the shallow gene pool. I wonder when they will uncover the love letters to Sarah Palin.

  116. 116.

    Xenos

    @Kristine: This is actually the third time Dougj has cited ‘Panic in Detroit’ in a post title in the last year. I think he is trying to fit the entire lyric in, line by line, as opportunity presents itself. A worthy project, as I see it.

  118. 118.

    Kristine

    @Xenos:

    A very worthy project.

    Which song to follow? “Rock ‘n’ Roll Suicide?” “Unwashed and Somewhat Slightly Dazed?”

    I need to dig out the old albums…

  119. 119.

    DPirate

    @The Populist: These names make me want to defend them. I find it unbelievable that they could be a serious terrorist cell run by their Boromanders (GRRRR, lol). This is not just run-of-the-mill lets-blow-people-up crazy, it is crazy-as-a-loon lets-blow-people-up crazy.

    I can’t find Arkons or Boromanders in my bible…

    @Xenos: I’m doubting whether it means anything at all. Maybe it just sounds cool to identify as Boromander of the Hutaree! Perhaps we’ll come to find out that they are not only christian militia, but forerunners of the Borg, oh no!

  120. 120.

    MattR

    I just feel bad for the poor, lowly Gunners.

    If anyone is college age, I would think some of these ranks could be put to use the next time you play Asshole.

  124. 124.

    JSD

    The jokes they made about the number of the beast were pretty funny. Even if they were batsht crazy, at least they could laugh at themselves:

    670 – Approximate number of the Beast
    DCLXVI – Roman numeral of the Beast
    666.0000000 – Number of the High Precision Beast
    665.9999954 – Number of the Pentium Beast
    0.666 – Number of the Millibeast
    /666 – Beast Common Denominator
    666 x sq. rt (-1) – Imaginary number of the Beast
    1010011010 – Binary of the Beast
    1-666 – Area code of the Beast
    00666 – Zip code of the Beast
    1-900-666-0666 – Live Beasts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. (Must be over 18)
    $665.95 – Retail price of the Beast
    $710.36 – Price of the Beast plus 6.66% state sales tax
    $769.95 – Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
    $606.66 – Price of the Beast at Wal-Mart
    $566.66 – Price of the Beast at Costco
    Phillips 666 – Gasoline of the Beast
    Route 666 – Way of the Beast
    666 F – Oven temperature for roast Beast
    666k – Retirement plan of the Beast
    666 mg – Recommended Daily Allowance of Beast
    6.66 % – 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank ($666 minimum deposit)
    6-6-6.xls – Spreadsheet of the Beast
    Word 6.66 – Word Processor of the Beast
    666i – BMW of the Beast
    DSM-666 (revised) – Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
    668 – Next-door neighbor of the Beast

  125. 125.

    tomvox1

    OT: If one reads the comments to Blue Texan’s FDL piece, I think one can see tangible evidence that there has been a massive brain drain at Camp Hamsher. There’s one reply about how a picture of Timothy McVeigh looks uncannily like Timothy McVeigh and another about how Blue Texan’s starting to sound like Liz Cheney because he’s “assuming” these militia dingbats are guilty. Liz Freaking Cheney! The smart, non-Libertarian folks appear to have left the building over there…

  126. 126.

    Wile E. Quixote

    So if the Hutaree ever repeal the Hutaree Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell decree will they add the rank of “fabulous pink rifleman”? Jesus I fucking hate these people. Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate them. OK, my military service isn’t much. I was a weekend warrior for 13 years, just an NCO, but Jesus, compared to most of the wingnuts out there I’m George S. Patton. God I hate these people.

  129. 129.

    The Raven

    Editor Teresa Nielsen Hayden has gathered up a ton of news on this cult. Being Making Light, the discussion rapidly (d)evolves into a discussion of bad fantasy language names.

  130. 130.

    Librarian

    When I first heard “Hutaree” on the news, I thought they were saying “Atari”. I thought maybe this was the first right-wing militia to make their revolution into a video game.

  131. 131.

    Paul in KY

    I think one of them (above the Arkon pay grade) read too much ‘Dune’. Beware them using the Voice (or a gomjabber).

  133. 133.

    matoko_chan

    “part Finnegans Wake”

    oh jesus-mary-and-joseph!
    like those retards ever read a word of Finnegan’s Wake.
    Its pretty obvious that they are sub-literate, as well as sub-sapient.

    perhaps Arkon comes from the Cthulhu video game, a bastardization of Lovecraft for semi-literate.

  134. 134.

    PRD

    It’s part Dungeons and Dragons, part Finnegans Wake, part modern corporatese (I like that “Senior Gunner” is the second-lowest rank).

    Hey, even the wackiest DnD/LARP nerds don’t label themselves like this. This adorable little ranking system is pure Cult of the Shining Wingnut.

  135. 135.

    matoko_chan

    AMG!

    They have a SECRET LANGUAGE!

    Hutaree says on its Web site its name means “Christian warrior” and describes the word as part of a secret language that few are privileged to know.

  138. 138.

    Tax Analyst

    RANKS:
    RADOK [RD]
    BORAMANDER [BM]
    ZULIF [ZL]
    ARKON [AK]
    GOLD RIFLEMAN [GR]
    SILVER RIFLEMAN [SR]
    BRONZE RIFLEMAN [BR]
    LUKORE [LK]
    MASTER GUNNER [MG]
    SENIOR GUNNER [SG]
    GUNNER [GN]

    This group really needs a rank of “Rimjobber”

    But I’m guessing this is perhaps a secondary title that every Hutareean proudly lugs from sphincter to sphincter.

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