I don’t know why I find the Hutaree rank system so funny (h/t Bronze Rifleman Doctor Science):
RANKS:
RADOK [RD] BORAMANDER [BM] ZULIF [ZL] ARKON [AK] GOLD RIFLEMAN [GR] SILVER RIFLEMAN [SR] BRONZE RIFLEMAN [BR] LUKORE [LK] MASTER GUNNER [MG] SENIOR GUNNER [SG] GUNNER [GN]
I think this may be an example of the post-wingnut mythology we’ve discussed before. It’s part Dungeons and Dragons, part Finnegans Wake, part modern corporatese (I like that “Senior Gunner” is the second-lowest rank).
The jack-booted thug meme is already taking hold, BTW (as John noted in the last post).
From now on, I would like you all to address me as Arkon DougJ.
cleek
Gold Rifleman is about to die!
MobiusKlein
@cleek: Wins in one.
eastriver
Radok Cole. /snorting blue milk out my nose
Jon H
Boramander, I choose you!
David
Everyone who enters gets to participate and no goes home empty handed!
penpen
not to tar them with a different kind of crazy brush but speaking of D&D, the KKK had grand wizards and dragons etc, right?
Ken Z
It’s funny because it seems that they have more ranks than actual members.
cleek
Boramander… he’s the guy who tried to steal the ring but instead got killed by a bunch of Orcs, instead. right?
jl
The link says there are similarities to Pokemon names.
The sinister conspiracy widens.
And, speaking of jack-booted thugs, when is Cole going to reveal his secreat plan for enabling WV to beat Duke?
I will contribute in any way possible. I will even go run up a huge tab at a strip joint and bill it to Balloon-Juice. Yer welcome.
Jon H
@penpen: “KKK had grand wizards and dragons etc, right?”
And Kleagles. Which definitely aren’t from D&D.
MikeJ
August 10. Release date for the the Red Dawn remake.
Wolverines!
morzer
Zulif? Someone wants to be a “zulif”? If these people weren’t so obviously deranged, I’d be rolling on the floor with laughter.
salacious crumb
you wish is my command, Arkon DougJ.
JGabriel
It looks like they have more ranks than members.
.
Calouste
@penpen:
Yep, and one of the things that played a part in their slow demise was that the ranks came out in the open and were effectively ridiculed.
mr. whipple zorkon
Wow, what a bunch of wackaloons!
Keith G
Largely OT, though marginally related thought:
Don’t you suppose that Russian authorities have no qualms about using torture as a weapon against terrorism?
How’s that working for them?
Dreggas
Do not disparage D&D by linking it with these nutballs, bad enough when they used to blame D&D for suicide and murder.
Andre
@JGabriel:
I was thinking the same thing.
Which of the above means “50 year old white male with limited education”?
Oh, all of them? Never mind then.
Pete
“post-wingnut mythology” is a phrase that will never get old in my book
Lukore Pete +4
geg6
cleek, dude, you are on fire tonight! Oh, and OT, but CREW has filed suit against Hannity’s and Ollie North’s “charity” which is supposed to benefit the children of soldiers. Discovery in that case should be some fine entertainment. Can’t seem to link from the BlackBerry, but Salon has the story.
SiubhanDuinne
I clicked on that link for the jack-booted thug meme and there at FDL, where you sent me, was a photo of someone I assumed to be one of the militiamen arrested over the weekend. And I thought to myself, Hmmm, that guy sure does look a lot like Timothy McVeigh. Do all militiamen look like Timothy McVeigh? Or maybe I’m not remembering what Timothy McVeigh looked like? And then I decided to do a Google image search to see if I could pull up a photo of Timothy McVeigh to compare to the photo shown at the FDL link, and by god if those clever boots over to FDL didn’t use an actual photo! of Timothy McVeigh to illustrate their caption:
General Egali Tarian Stuck
In my Hippie Militia, we are all equal rank of “dude”/
Bob In Pacifica
Alan Arkon was one of my favorite character actors.
Mike The Dealer
Man, most WoW guilds I’ve been in don’t have that many ranks.
JGabriel
@MikeJ: I have a horrible feeling that the Red Dawn remake will feature, instead of Russian Commies, a Black Commie Anti-Christ Atheist Muslim Pro-Choice President and his UN Stormtroopers as the enemy.
.
AngusJackBootedThugOfMeat
Okay, sign me up. I welcome our new militia overlords.
God Bless A-Moo-Ica.
Andre
@Keith G:
Chechnya is the perfect explanation for why the “glass parking lot” approach to angry foreigners is doomed to failure. You genuinely couldn’t imagine a more brutal “anti-terrorism” campaign, and it continues to fail horribly.
Hob
@penpen: Yeah, that’s the first thing that reminded me of. And I don’t think it’s particularly inappropriate for them, as crazy-brushes go.
Alex S.
Ok, now I’ve got David Bowie in my head, but which song…hm…
morzer
@General Egali Tarian Stuck:
Or El Duderino, or Duder….
the farmer
I clicked on the FDL link expecting a photo of Rahm (RM).
*
New Yorker
Still not as unintentionally hilarious as the ranks of the KKK like “imperial wizard”.
Lunatic violent white people really need to come up with better titles for themselves. Idi Amin is spinning in his grave.
SiubhanDuinne
@Arkon DougJ: What the hell did you do, go back and retroactively change your handle on every previous post? LOL.
JGabriel
@Jon H:
Awww, lookit the cute doggie with the pointy white hat.
.
Joseph Nobles
Correct usage of these terms is to place the two-letter abbreviation of the title in front of your name.
For example, RD Cole or AK DougJ.
Y’all, I’m not lying.
All of these names appear to have been coined by the Hutaree clan. Their RD said that it was from a dialect known by about 4 people, he being one. Sounds like speaking in tongues to me. But then there’s the Riflemen and Gunner ranks.
freelancer
@geg6:
Uhm, I don’t get it?
Zach
Scientologists can now claim to be relatively less ridiculous when someone makes fun of thetans and xenu.
ThatLeftTurnInABQ
Check the kerning – something crucial is missing. Where is Zod?
There has to be a Zod.
How can they say: “Kneel before Zod!” if Zod isn’t even on the list of ranks?
Linda Featheringill
Dougj: Have you ever BEEN to Akron?
[I realize this is taken from Greek, meaning the height, but still . . ]
mistermix
Just call me bm mistermix.
Alex S.
@Alex S.:
Aaah, Panic in Detroit, from the Aladdin Sane album (A lad insane), not bad DougJ, not bad…
freelancer
@mistermix:
light a match, dude.
GN Rommie
I’m just a grunt on the front line, the Radok don’t know my pain.
geg6
[email protected]: Did you go to Salon? It’s the featured story on their front page. Apparently, Hannity and North have been skimming the cash and no kids are being helped by their charity. We’re talking millions of dollars.
AngusJackBootedThugOfMeat
Pull my hoof.
me
Archon? I played that on my C64.
Citizen_X
TAKE OFF EVERY ZULIF!
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING.
MOVE ALL ZULIF.
FOR GREAT JUSTICE!
HumboldtBlue
How shitty of a shot do you have to be to only qualify as a “Bronze Rifleman?” I mean, even me, a guy who had never held a live weapon until I reached Benning was able to shoot well enough the first time around to earn a “Marksman” badge which I was later able to upgrade to “expert.”
Do you think that the guy who has only earned the “Bronze Rifleman” moniker was only allowed to bring donuts?
Annie
If the draft was every reinstated, these guys would be the first to piss in their pants…
+2
It’s my b-day, and I figure I can say what I want — although I do, do that everyday…
dmsilev
Sounds like Scientology. Scientologist militias, now *there’s* a scary thought.
-dms
JGabriel
Joseph Nobles:
I could swear Arkon was a planet or race in Star Trek. Let me check the Great Wikizardia:
So. Not a Star Trek reference. Oh well.
Heh. They said “Polemachus”.
.
Kirk Spencer
@JGabriel: Actually, the Big Bad in this version of Red Dawn is the Chinese. Go to IMBD and look for the military titles – Captain Lo, Lt Lee, etc.
Though I have no idea how the Chinese can persuade the Cubans to launch their mighty Airborne forces.
Joel
@cleek: Red Joel needs food badly!
Perry Como
What, no High Scrutator?
The Populist
Argh…innocent until proven guilty without doubt here, but anybody who defends these idiots without knowing exactly what happened better be able to eat crow should these folks get convicted.
Martin
^
|
Geek
@JGabriel:
Archons.
freelancer
@geg6:
Yes, but what does that Salon story have to do with cleek’s joke?
(Sorry, if I’m being thick-headed today, I’m just out of it. Poured myself into work, and now my brain is all mush.)
Martin
@Kirk Spencer: They launch from Vancouver.
mr. whipple
I wish to now be addressed as mr. whipple zorkon.
As you were.
trollhattan
Can I do a mashup with my Unitarian Jihad name?
Sincerely,
Brother Bronze Immaculate Axe of Moderate Forgiveness
John O
Central Scrutinizer here.
This post is a win, and anyone who doesn’t find that Order of Merit funny needs a vacation.
I bow beneath you, Arkon DougJ.
Joseph Nobles
Also, Ricky Martin is gay. No, for real.
freelancer
@Joseph Nobles:
hoocoodanode alert.
lukor gypsy howell
Has anyone deciphered what ‘Hutaree’ means?
Mnemosyne
@geg6:
I don’t usually read Salon comments, but the very first one cracked me up:
trollhattan
Okay, now I iz skeert.
http://tpmlivewire.talkingpointsmemo.com/2010/03/us-marshals-in-michigan-have.php
John O
@Joseph Nobles:
*shove* Get OUT!!!!
Zulif tyrese
I think Pam Geller said the FBI shouldn’t have even arrested them.
JGabriel
@Martin:
Hey, I just cut and paste. Talk to the Great Wikizardia.
.
Linda Featheringill
To Brother Forgiveness:
Carry on!
Kirk Spencer
@Martin: I want to laugh at that, I really do.
But I’m afraid your suggestion will look sensible compared to whatever they actually do to get a Chinese invasion working.
John O
@trollhattan:
Well, they certainly LOOK like they have all their marbles.
Not unlike that guy who threatened Cantor. I know it’s wrong to judge a book by its cover…
geg6
freelancer @53: Ohhhhh! Well, I came into the thread to provide that OT note about Hannity and North and saw all the comments and cleek was on fire. So I told him that first. And because I’m on the BlackBerry, I cannot seem to get paragraph breaks to work. So that’s why it is sometimes confusing to read some of my comments.
Gordon, The Big Express Engine
@cleek: Probably late on this, but I wonder if they get admonished for shooting food.
Annie
@Mnemosyne:
But, he has since accepted Christ after all….
Mike Kay
@the farmer: Winnah!
Joseph Nobles
@John O:
@freelancer:
I know! It’s crazy, isn’t it?
Also, re: Hutaree coining – the RD says it’s from his own dilect.
Gordon, The Big Express Engine
@cleek: One of my fondest college memories: Spring Break 1993 Daytona Beach. A nor-easter had tore up the east coast of florida and the weather in was awful there. We went to a mall multiplex and smuggled a bunch of liquor in to watch Groundhog Day. We were pretty lit after the movie and spent the rest of the afternoon playing Gauntlet in the mall arcade. Good times!
corwin
Radok may refer to the Alfred Radok, director of the Czech National Theater in the 40’s – 60’s, or basically their top rank was named after a commie theater guy. This is somewhat amusing.
Jon H
@Joseph Nobles: “Their RD said that it was from a dialect known by about 4 people, he being one”
As a commenter, Nick Lamb, noted on Language Log, it’s like a tree house code. His description of the ranks was superfantasticawesome.
They’re the He-Man Gubmint-Hater’s Club.
Mike Kay
@Joseph Nobles:
I’m shocked!
http://www.queerty.com/wp/docs/2008/08/rickymartinbeach.jpg
Jon H
@lukor gypsy howell: “Has anyone deciphered what ‘Hutaree’ means?”
My best guess is that someone in the group is a big fan of the John Wayne safari movie Hatari, which is supposedly Swahili for ‘Danger’
LuciaMia
I’m flash-backing to that old Star Trek episode, where the crew was transported to the OK Corral.
LuciaMia
Oops, forgot to add. Have the Hutaree (why do I imagine them with blue skin?) solved the problem of what automatic weapon Jesus would carry?
JGabriel
Gordon, The Big Express Engine:
Gordon, that’s … something you should never share in public again. Not everyone is as kind as we are.
.
Polish the Guillotines
ZOMG!1! 1! I’m in ur base killing your Zulifs!1!!1
Master Gunner danimal
@lukor gypsy howell: Hutaree means “Christian warrior” in Idiot.
Master Gunner danimal
@Polish the Guillotines: @General Egali Tarian Stuck: War is hell. Fight on, doodz.
Keith
Purely coincedentally, those are also various donor levels from Bush-Cheney ’04. Raising $50 makes you “Gunner”. To get to level Arkon requires raising $500 and selling 50 copies of “A Charge To Keep”.
Anne Laurie
@Mnemosyne: Sigh. I swear I wrote my 9pm post before reading this comment thread…
Gordon, The Big Express Engine
@JGabriel: Sure, when you take it out of context like that!!!!
Would the story improve if I told you we were sharing a house with a bunch of sorority girls from Sewanee? OK then.
The Radok's A Ni-
Just this once.
AngusJackBootedThugOfMeat
@geg6:
I wish I had a convenient excuse like that for some of mine.
Heh.
Luckily, I actually have a Blackberry. I am a terror on that hoof keyboard, too.
Arkon DougJ
@Alex S.:
They were arraigned in Detroit, so it seemed appropriate.
Kirk Spencer
@Gordon, The Big Express Engine:
… So, you’re saying you and your friends preferred staying at the mall playing Gauntlet over going back to the house where the sorority girls were?
PaulW
Some of those ranks sound… I’ve never seen those names before. What the bleep is Boramander?
Arkon I’ve heard before. But Lukore?! What language is this, Batcrazy?
Gordon, The Big Express Engine
@Kirk Spencer: We were there for an entire week. It was 48 degrees, windy and raining pretty much the whole time and the girls were from Sewanee, not MIT. Pros and cons to both types and not like we were any great shakes, but by midweek, the cabin fever was setting in and we needed to get away for an afternoon…
DonkeyKong
All ranking members of the feared and fierce”pot belly” division.
JGabriel
@Gordon, The Big Express Engine: Ha! Yes, obviously.
.
A Ghost To Most
dear Hutaree,
All your BORAMANDER are belong to us!
chuck
How’s my rifle skill? It’s radokulous, bitch!
Redshirt
The funny thing about it is they are all really just redshirts, cannon fodder to be used and chewed up by The Man, man, to dig his trenches or keep the fear alive.
If only some theory of peace and love could get through to them. If only there was some messenger of peace of love, damnit!
FormerSwingVoter
@trollhattan:
Top row, from left to right:
Teaches high school math, teaches home ec and girls’ gym, teaches Mass Effect speed playthroughs, and teaches looking-like-bald-Ben-Stiller.
celticdragonchick
@JGabriel:
Well, Warhammer 40,000 has the Archon, which is a character in the Dark Eldar forces.
The Dark Eldar are evil and love to torture their captives over a period of months, btw…
I wonder who that reminds me of.
celticdragonchick
@A Ghost To Most:
You win the thread.
Liberty60
Re: Generalissimo Maximo Arkon:
Humphrey Bogart said it best in Maltese Falcon-
“The cheaper the hood the gaudier the patter!”
Although El Cid’s line from this morning- “cosplay for milnerds” made my day.
SiubhanDuinne
@Annie:
Did you say it’s your birthday? Happy Birthday if it is your birthday.
What the fnck, happy birthday even if it isn’t your birthddday.
SD +1
asiangrrlMN
@Annie: Happy birthday! Yeah, these guys are like Cheney and his ilk. Talking all this shit, but the first to find some medical illness to stay out of the real fighting.
Man. This whole thread is like gibberish to me.
SiubhanDuinne
Radok Rachel just announced that the ninth guy, who had been at large, was just apprehended and is in custody.
And LOL she says the ranks sound like something out of Calvin and Hobbes. LOL.
Alice Blue
Have you seen the mug shots of these people? Looks like a really shallow gene pool.
Kristine
Please continue to use lyrics from David Bowie songs as post titles.
Brightens me Monday, it does.
Kristine
Also wondering why Silver Surfer isn’t a rank. Too. Dude.
Green Lantern.
Green Arrow.
und so weiter…
Xenos
@lukor gypsy howell:
All I can think of is the Kiswahili word for ‘danger’ (‘hatari’), which is also the title of a John Wayne film which is most notable for the musical number we all know and love: ‘Baby Elephant Dance.’
JCT
@Kristine:
Hah– I’m with you, gives me an excuse to sing (badly) and insist on playing old Bowie for my teenage son. Hell, I still have my vinyl copy of Aladdin Sane. Time to take it for a spin, thanks Doug.
And by the way– I agree about the shallow gene pool. I wonder when they will uncover the love letters to Sarah Palin.
Xenos
@Kristine: This is actually the third time Dougj has cited ‘Panic in Detroit’ in a post title in the last year. I think he is trying to fit the entire lyric in, line by line, as opportunity presents itself. A worthy project, as I see it.
Xenos
@Xenos: correction- ‘Baby Elephant Walk’, by Henry Mancini.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tN2xQ2zqmCI
Kristine
@Xenos:
A very worthy project.
Which song to follow? “Rock ‘n’ Roll Suicide?” “Unwashed and Somewhat Slightly Dazed?”
I need to dig out the old albums…
DPirate
@The Populist: These names make me want to defend them. I find it unbelievable that they could be a serious terrorist cell run by their Boromanders (GRRRR, lol). This is not just run-of-the-mill lets-blow-people-up crazy, it is crazy-as-a-loon lets-blow-people-up crazy.
I can’t find Arkons or Boromanders in my bible…
@Xenos: I’m doubting whether it means anything at all. Maybe it just sounds cool to identify as Boromander of the Hutaree! Perhaps we’ll come to find out that they are not only christian militia, but forerunners of the Borg, oh no!
MattR
I just feel bad for the poor, lowly Gunners.
If anyone is college age, I would think some of these ranks could be put to use the next time you play Asshole.
ZulifFromOhio
The double-fF is a bit ungainly.
This thread is so full of win, it’s getting hard to breathe.
Arkon DougJ
@Kristine:
I was thinking “Life On Mars”.
Kristine
@Arkon DougJ:
I was thinking “Life On Mars”.
Excellent choice!
JSD
The jokes they made about the number of the beast were pretty funny. Even if they were batsht crazy, at least they could laugh at themselves:
tomvox1
OT: If one reads the comments to Blue Texan’s FDL piece, I think one can see tangible evidence that there has been a massive brain drain at Camp Hamsher. There’s one reply about how a picture of Timothy McVeigh looks uncannily like Timothy McVeigh and another about how Blue Texan’s starting to sound like Liz Cheney because he’s “assuming” these militia dingbats are guilty. Liz Freaking Cheney! The smart, non-Libertarian folks appear to have left the building over there…
Wile E. Quixote
So if the Hutaree ever repeal the Hutaree Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell decree will they add the rank of “fabulous pink rifleman”? Jesus I fucking hate these people. Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate them. OK, my military service isn’t much. I was a weekend warrior for 13 years, just an NCO, but Jesus, compared to most of the wingnuts out there I’m George S. Patton. God I hate these people.
Jimmm
Has no one pointed out that Darko anagrams out to “A Dork”?
Come on, people.
Oily Taint
Back the fuck up; who died and made YOU Arkon?
The Raven
Editor Teresa Nielsen Hayden has gathered up a ton of news on this cult. Being Making Light, the discussion rapidly (d)evolves into a discussion of bad fantasy language names.
Librarian
When I first heard “Hutaree” on the news, I thought they were saying “Atari”. I thought maybe this was the first right-wing militia to make their revolution into a video game.
Paul in KY
I think one of them (above the Arkon pay grade) read too much ‘Dune’. Beware them using the Voice (or a gomjabber).
senior gunner eyepaddle
Who else has Sugaree playing in their head when they read Hutaree?
matoko_chan
oh jesus-mary-and-joseph!
like those retards ever read a word of Finnegan’s Wake.
Its pretty obvious that they are sub-literate, as well as sub-sapient.
perhaps Arkon comes from the Cthulhu video game, a bastardization of Lovecraft for semi-literate.
PRD
Hey, even the wackiest DnD/LARP nerds don’t label themselves like this. This adorable little ranking system is pure Cult of the Shining Wingnut.
matoko_chan
AMG!
They have a SECRET LANGUAGE!
catclub
boramander: salamander with added borax
Tax Analyst
@mr. whipple zorkon:
No, I believe “wackaloons” are from an unaffiliated nutjob organization.
Tax Analyst
This group really needs a rank of “Rimjobber”
But I’m guessing this is perhaps a secondary title that every Hutareean proudly lugs from sphincter to sphincter.