Just having an epic annoying day. The weather stinks, all the political news is pissing me off, I didn’t sleep well last night, and Tunch shit in the closet in the guest bedroom because he somehow got in there while I was putting holiday decorations in the closet for storage and then was closed in. Awesome.
Also, I think Tunch is farther along in his plot to kill me and eat me than I realized. The other day I woke up and he was 2 inches from my face staring at me. Last night, I was napping on the couch, and woke up to him licking my fingers. Then, last night, during one of the 40 times I woke up in my restless sleep, I went to the bathroom, and Tunch was sitting in the shower staring at me when I turned the light on. I’m afraid that is where he is going to dispose of the body.
Should this blog suddenly go silent, you can use this post as evidence of motive in the trial.
Are you sure that’s not Tunch telling you that vacation was very nice, but it’s time to go back home?
I had a cat who used to wake me up by licking my eyelids. I think he was tasting me…
Actually, we can cite it as one of those “we shoulda seen it coming” moments. Not necessarily motive, but evidence of possible intent.
My cat, whom I love dearly, has, since he was a kitten (he’s about a year and a half old now), bitten me on the bridge of my nose – not hard, just enough to know he’s there – every morning when he decides it’s time for food. There is nothing I can do to stop this. If I’m sleeping in such a way that my face is covered, he either bites me on the ear or on the shoulder. He bites harder if he’s biting away from my face, too.
A Mom Anon
Trial? No animal has ever been charged with murder. It’s the perfect crime,mwahahaha.
That shower thing would have freaked me the fuck out.
If it makes you feel any better, I think one of our cats was eaten by a fox.
TUNCH IS WATCHING YOU
Dog is My Copilot
Tunch – Stealth Kitty
licensed to kill time
Ok, if you go into the bathroom and Tunch is sitting on the floor switching the light on and off, on and off – RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! Or, develop a taste for boiled bunny…
One of my cats grooms me at 5 AM _every_ morning. Since she’s old and frail, I just move her to another part of the bed.
Okay, you really do owe me a new monitor. I laughed so hard when I read that I spit out my drink.
I’ve got this image of Tunch lurking everywhere. He’s like Jesus Cat – always with you.
Tunch wakes me with a series of shrieking yowls and kitty headbutts. I’m used to that. Just staring at me freaked me out.
Domesticated cats like to torment their victims before they kill them.
He’ll probably decide to strike before Cole fully recovers.
Either that, or he is trying cage a bigger bedtime snack with implicit threats. Probably read the last ‘Tunch is fat’ thread and is pissed off.
Now at the trial, are we supposed to testify against Cole or Tunch?
The post with the picture of a cat with fake fluffy pink ear’s is burned into my memory forever, as is the explicit threat to do the same to Tunch.
Clearly it will be either a crime of passion (rage following just one more provocation from Cole) or self-defense.
Tunch will not be able to speak for himself so we loyal Balloon-Juicers will speak for him. Poor Tunch, so very very (very) big, yet at the mercy of this impertinent self-identified ‘owner’.
Thank you. Your paranoid misery has cheered me up today. LOL
As for the shitting in the closet…could have been worse, he could have shit in your favorite shoes, and you could have put them on before realizing it…. It’s your fault, you know…. who has the thumbs to turn the knob? It’s not Tunch.
James K. Polk, Esq.
Cole- Are you familar with the FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU comics? Here is one especially for you…
Fat Kitty Rage
General Egali Tarian Stuck
When we get back to back Catnip threads, then I will wonder. Here is a soothing tune I will repost from the prior thread. Our politics is stuck on the insane, and will only get worse toward election day. At least the big hearted wingnuts, or 3 of them joined dems in beating a filibuster so starving desperate out of work Americans can keep getting unemployment insurance.
Oh, and FWIW, I don’t think Tunch plans on disposing your body, lest it be a 6 course meal.
My cat Louis goes through phases like this. His latest one is an obsession to sleep not just in bed next to me but up on my pillow, in a higher position than my head (it’s hard to describe). He also has a propensity to leap suddenly off the bed in reaction to the slightest noise. So I can’t sleep because I envision him clawing my eyes out (accidentally of course) when he leaps. About five times a night I have to forcibly push him off the pillow. I know he’ll move on to something else soon, but it’s tiring.
Also, don’t be a fool. The licking of the fingers: he’s going to dispose of the body in the litter box, and not all at once obviously. Oh wait, this is Tunch we’re talking about here…
Bad Horse's Filly
The blog will not go silent, Tunch is plotting your demise so he can then command his minions through BJ.
I have one who hides behind the shower curtain and leaps out at me when I least expect it.
Another has decided that the way to get my attention is to pat me on the face with his paw. The more I ignore him, the firmer his pat.
@John Cole: You know, that’d freak me out too.
We have a female dominant cat who had a difficult childhood. Scout. Named after Scout Finch in a moment of utter misperception.
Just killed a delightful adolescent female cat.
After that, I’m sure Scout would have no qualms about helping Tunch with the likes of Cole.
Shipping address please?
@General Egali Tarian Stuck:
Catnip! Right. Probably Cole’s only hope. Keep Tunch ripped on catnip.
Might just work. If you can afford his habit. Do cat’s build up a tolerance for catnip?
The Moar You Know
I fear for your life.
This morning, I drove into work behind a string of cars following a fire engine. It parked right in front of the entrance to the parking garage, so I had to spend a bit of time going around to another entrance. Parked, walked toward the building, then found out a fire alarm was going off. 30 minutes later when we were allowed back inside, I decided to skip the elevators because four cars would have trouble servicing a few hundred people. So I took the stairs all the way up to the seventh floor where I sit…and realized just how incredibly out of shape I am.
It’s “one of those days” for me too.
Just to let you know, I’ll be a character witness for Tunch.
I’m sorry. You’re all just adding evidence of why we should all have dogs instead of cats. They’re just not this devious.
This explains why you rarely find a half eaten pet owner. They’ve come to understand the importance of dumping what’s left of the body.
Same here as to those three. I don’t have a kitty but I have no doubt that my doggies would totally go Donner Party on my ass if the occasion were to arise.
licensed to kill time
In all fairness to Tunch, he was probably just sitting in there zoning out, wondering where the hell he is and why everything smells so different and he just needed a cool Zen zone to recalibrate his inner GPS. John just happened to walk in before Tunch got his game face on.
Or he was measuring the shower stall.
I hate to break this to you, but this has been in the planning stage for a while:
@jl: After seeing Tunch in full “catnip frenzy” which can be described as “lazy cat halfassedly grooming itself” in the last video, I’d say that Tunch has out grown the catnip… might be time to move on to something stronger….
oh wait, the idea is to keep him mellow… catnip’s the trick for Tunch then.
My cat stands by my head and slaps the crap out of my face to wake me up if i forget to feed him. If I cover my face he slaps whatever is exposed.
Kitties are fascinated by humans-in-the-bathroom.
Ariel used to station herself on the closed toilet seat, waiting to greet me as I stepped out of the shower.
Now Oscar lurks outside the bathroom door when I’m showering, so he can demand lovies without risking getting dripped on.
And Jeannie likes to hang out with me when I’m on the pot. She comes running when she hears me in there.
It’s really the weirdest thing. I wonder if they’re fascinated by how inefficiently – and noisily – we perform the same tasks (bathing and waste disposal) they do so quietly and without ancillary equipment. Maybe they compare notes: “How much water does your human need to get clean?”
Here’s something to cheer you. (Being that we Obots are all anti-small business. Not.)
“Pro-life” pharmacy in northern Virginia fails. No birth control, cosmetics, or enough customers.
Granted, “pro-life” pharmacies in more isolated areas are holding their own. This one was within walking distance of other shopping options.
From the WaPulitzerPost
Cats automatically have transactional immunity from prosecution in 37 states. Including yours.
Why only 37? Theyr’e not saying.
If a cat could find a way to kill you and still get fed he would. I know mine would.
Now for some good news;
There is another birther soldier who has refused to deploy as ordered. LTC Terrence Lakin, DO, has refused to deploy to SW Asia on the grounds that he doesn’t believe the President Obama is the lawful Commander in Chief and therefore cannot order him to go to war.
This will be the third such incident. The first one, also an Army doctor, collapsed when the doctor got on the plane. The second one is in Iraq right now. Orly Taitz, the cereal box-top lawyer/dentist/realtor was or is involved with those cases. She has no connection to LTC Lakin that anyone knows about.
This morning, LTC Lakin reported to Walter Reed Army Medical Center, instead of Fort Campbell, KY, his deployment site by orders.
Here’s the good news part:
LTC Lakin’s CO, the Commander of the Walter Reed Brigade, COL Gordon Roberts read LTC Lakin his Article 31(b) rights today, and confiscated his Pentagon pass (Lakin was the commander of the Pentagon health clinic, under Roberts’ command) and his government issued laptop and blackberry.
COL Roberts is the only currently serving recipient of the Medal of Honor. That’s one badass Social Worker.
@licensed to kill time:
Or opening and shutting the refrigerator door to see if the light stays on.
The Tunchinator wants off the diet you have him on.
Sounds like a scene from the long-lost Hitchcock classic _The Cats_.
@A Mom Anon:
and he’d have eaten the evidence…
One of my cats, Noah, got stuck in my spare closet one day while I was at work. I store my coats, scarves and hats in there. I come home that night to a ruckus, that is him banging the door and clawing the rug to get out. He did have an accident, but somehow he managed to tip over one of my prettier wool hats – and peed in it. Better than the rug I guess? Right?
@A Mom Anon:
That’s what you think.
(I saw it in its original release. It’s not a bad little film.)
Well, for God’s sake, don’t let him see this…
The Moar You Know
@soonergrunt: That’s how you deal with this nonsense. The only thing missing is the MPs hauling him off to the brig, but that’ll come soon enough.
LTC Smartypants is fucked.
@CaseyL: One of mine saw the bathroom as a chance to have a captive audience away from the other cat. Her favorite thing was flopping across the feet of whomever was on the toilet, then rolling on her back for belly rubs. She also would follow whomever she was mad at into the bathroom, jump into the tub, and pee over the drain while giving the evil eye. Pretty easy rebellion to clean up, actually.
The other was offended, and would move to the far end of the bathmat with her back to you if she heard you start to pee. She found it humiliating for all of us, but followed because she also liked to try to grab me out of the shower because I apparently didn’t understand how terrible it was to get wet. Seventeen years and it still bothered her.
licensed to kill time
An elephant was tried for murder and hung in 1916. True fact!
ETA – graphic photo, beware all you delicate flowers!
I read that as saying:
“Last night, I was fapping on the couch…”
and it got real creepy real fast.
Quit making stuff up about Tunch, he is such a sweet kitteh. Don’t worry Tunch we are with you.
hahaha…I love DOGS, but I do love how very weird and bizarre cats can be.
The Moar You Know
@tesslibrarian: I had a Turkish Van (or at least a halfbreed that manifested all the Van markings and tail) who used to get into the tub with me.
They’re called “the swimming cat” for good reason. This one loved the bathtub. Didn’t like the shower so much, but loved getting into the tub, climbing on your chest, and sitting there, purring away.
I could not believe it the first time she did it. I wasn’t aware of the breed’s affinity for water until many years later.
Nah, I bet he uses a wood chipper just like they did in Fargo.
It’ll be the perfect crime, all right. Tunch will strip your bones clean, them toss them to Lily. When the cops bust down the door, she’ll be the one gnawing on the evidence, and thus the one to get hauled off. Be very afraid.
He was drinking wine out of a thermos with no boxers on, according to his twitter feed. Who knows what else he was doing.
You will NEVER get me to testify against Tunch. NEVER!
This is exactly why I am not a cat person. Dogs do not do this. The worst thing that might happen is they might lick you to death to wake you up or you’ll find you toaster oven on the kitchen floor after an extended counter surfing session. And if anyone wants to know Henry is the licker and Otis is the surfer dude.
Of all the things I love about my cat, first on the list is that he has never once in his 16-plus years taken a dump out of spite…
Perfect weather down here. Mid 60’s this morning, light variable wind… got out and spent 4 hours outside. One of those hours sitting in a lawn chair with an ice-cold soda in hand just staring upwards through the trees at a cloudless blue sky. Robin was pecking around in an area I’d just raked, and came within 5-6 feet of my chair. Absolutely no fear. Birds everywhere, and a tree frog croaking away somewhere across the street. Just a beautiful day to do a little work, then sit around out there doing a lot of nothing afterwards.
Ya gotta be kiddin’ me.
Does my sweatshirt (OBEY) make me an accessory to the crime?
@The Moar You Know: My cat who considered the bathroom a place to force a belly rub might have had some Turkish Van, because she had a similar bone structure and didn’t mind water, but her markings, voice, and other behaviors were more Maine Coon.
She seemed to be oblivious to water–she would drink out of a fountain or dripping faucet and have a small puddle on her forehead–which you never saw until it had tipped into your lap or you stuck your hand in it. When I took a bath, she’d sit on the edge of the tub, and let her tail get in the water. Never bothered her.
The other one, the one that would try to rescue me from the shower, would smack her for being so wrong. (Chasing her tail also resulted in a smack for such dog-like behavior–I miss both the silliness of one, and the fussy propriety of the other.)
@Mnemosyne: Thanks for the link to the movie “Hour of the Pig.” I looked it up and put it at the top of my Netflix queue. Go, Mr. Darcy!
@Origuy: Some PEOPLE just don’t have enough to do.
John, you need to deploy low-light cameras to record what that cat does at night, just in case he actually is securing a weapons cache.
The first time I slept with the guy I’ve now been married to for 24 years, his cat peed all over the clothing he dropped on the floor in his hurry to get me into bed . . . sadly Tigger is no longer with us — but the cat we have now thinks she’s his S/M mistress.
Sophie ignores me completely, but greets his homecoming each night from the top of the stairs yowling furiously, as if to demand he climb up there and service her.
Ladies, I recommend a cat man if you can find one. Just be prepared to spend your life watching him pet her and wondering what you’d actually have to do to get that kinda rubbing. :)
Did I ever tell you about the time that Cueball ate the bathroom?
Maybe some video wiz can overdub this song onto one of Tunch’s videos.
I think Maine Coons are also water-loving cats, so it may have been the Maine Coon in her. Ours doesn’t seem interested in water one way or the other, though he loves to play with his Drinkwell fountain. He runs out of the bathroom when we turn the shower on, but that may have more to do with the noise than the water.
IIRC, you may even get some naked Colin Firth in the course of the film. You’re welcome. ;^)
General Egali Tarian Stuck
We dog men prefer playing catch. The good news is, there’s not much waiting on getting a bone.
John, I’ve been reading here a long time, and posts like these are a big part of the reason why. I don’t comment, for a lot of reasons, but thought I’d just put a tip of the hat in here edgewise… and pose a theoretical question for you:
How much, in pledges, would it take to bribe you to retire to a mountain-top cabin for a month (with a fully stocked fridge and a case of Maker’s Mark) so that you could write a novel? $10,000?
Whatever it takes, I’d be in for $100. And I’d buy the book.
Both of my cats are scared of water/the sounds of water running.
However, my youngest cat will hop into the sink whenever I’m done running the water, to lick whatever’s left in the bottom of the sink when I’m done. Doesn’t matter if she has a full water dish or not.
He’ll also try to come look into the toilet if someone lifts the lid, and I know he’ll drink out of it if left alone, so I don’t let him near it anymore.
Otherwise, I have no “funny cat bathroom” stories to share.
I want a Maine Coon or a Turkish Van cat one of these days though.
Maybe he’ll just lie on your face an smother you. He’s big enough.
Maybe he was just looking to upgrade his litter box.
I’m in. He’s a great writer. (and I read Dostoevsky for a living)
Quaker in a Basement
The cat is Gaslighting you, Cole.
It is time for you to get out more, your killer cat will just have to deal with his separation anxiety.
You fool! Don’t you realize Tunch is being framed? Lily is behind it all…
no, please share…
No I don’t think you have, please share…
my cat used to try to initiate a heart attack each morning by leaping off the headboard of the bed onto my belly. I once woke up when he was midair–I swear I could hear the air whistling (nickname “wide load brode”).
Tunch doesn’t have an elderly mother who sits by the window in a rocking chair, does he?
(Cue reee-ree-ree-ree-reee music.)
@Comrade Mary: I’m afraid I have to agree with Comrade Mary, John. The actions you describe are far beyond displaying motive, and land well into the stages of preparation and planning.
Marley and Me was a box office hit, just imagine how much a cat, dog and a john could command.
My boys love the bathroom when I’m in it. They both like to drink from the bathtub with me in it. Raven has even gotten into the tub with me a few times (on my stomach). Shadow, on the other hand, restricts himself to biting me on the ass when I am on the toilet. They do not sleep with me because I have allergies. When we nap on the couch, however, they like to walk on the pillow I have on my head all the way down my side to my feet. Shadow will sit on the pillow and groom his butt. Nothing like being awoken by a thud on your face as you’re sleeping.