Wonkette has a new columnist, Cord Jefferson, a reporter who deserves attention for such accomplishments as getting an actual interview with South Carolina’s Democratic candidate for the Senate, Alvin Greene. Jefferson’s first Wonkette column discusses the recent culmination of the Slave Labor Task Force:
… The backstory for this incident is slavery, which we shouldn’t get into very deeply because it takes from the laffs. But trust: slavery was fucked! So fucked, in fact, that, in the year 2000, some congresspeople whose decency hadn’t yet wholly rotted were like, “Hey, let’s maybe do something to credit the black people our early iterations ordered to build the Capitol, under punishment of death.” Everyone agreed this was a good idea, because politicians are constantly looking for ways to sate minorities enough to not have their tires slashed, which is what should happen, constantly.
Anyway, a thing with the menacing name The Slave Labor Task Force was convened, and 10 years later, this collective had an idea. No, not reparations — what are you, a militant Muslin? — something much better: plaques! TWO plaques.
Yes, in May of 2010, an entire decade after it decided to do something to honor the slaves who built the Capitol Building, The Slave Labor Task Force had a ceremony to unveil a couple of bronze plaques…
Maryland doofus Michael Steele got the day off from his normal job — making balloon animals at the Romano’s Macaroni Grill in Chevy Chase — to sit in the second row at this laughable sham. He and JC Watts giggled when Harry Reid bragged during his speech about how he shared a last name with a very famous slave named Philip Reid, whose smarts you should read about here. It was weird how everyone thought that was funny, because what Reid was basically saying was, “My ancestors very well may have owned such a smart black man and forced him to do a whole lot of shit he didn’t want to do.” Funny stuff.
All the rest of the speeches were also grindingly terrible, as was the coffee, but nothing compared to when Blanche Lincoln got up and described her fantasy of what the slaves who built the Capitol must have been thinking while toiling in rock quarries: “Do justice, love mercy and walk humbly with our God.”
YES, Blanche! The slaves weren’t thinking anything like, “I wish these evil bastards would let me go find my wife and daughter, who they sold away to be raped, instead of beating me up and forcing me to build their hollow towers of freedom.” That would’ve been unpatriotic, so they were obviously thinking about loving the Arkansas Jeebus.
The moral of this story is that Barack Obama’s presidency has answered all of Black America’s dreams and that everything is fine. The plaques are very, very shiny.
Helpful Wonkette commentor Mumblyjoe points out that one representative chose to vote against the resolution to recognize slaves’ role in building the Capitol: Steve King, R – Iowa. “So, guys, I’m just saying, if you want to slash someone’s tires, you know who to go for, first.”