Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

When we show up, we win.

“Just close your eyes and kiss the girl and go where the tilt-a-whirl takes you.” ~OzarkHillbilly

Balloon Juice has never been a refuge for the linguistically delicate.

It’s not hopeless, and we’re not helpless.

American History and Black History can not be separated.

I also would like a pony to improve my balloon juice experience.

There are no moderate republicans – only extremists and cowards.

You don’t get rid of your umbrella while it’s still raining.

Donald Trump, welcome to your everything, everywhere, all at once.

They were going to turn on one another at some point. It was inevitable.

So it was an October Surprise A Day, like an Advent calendar but for crime.

Why is it so hard for them to condemn hate?

Putin dreamed of ending NATO, and now it’s Finnish-ed.

The worst democrat is better than the best republican.

Sadly, there is no cure for stupid.

No one could have predicted…

The US Supreme Court is on the ballot in november.

And we’re all out of bubblegum.

We know you aren’t a Democrat but since you seem confused let me help you.

Donald Jessica Trump found guilty as fuck – May 30, 2024!

Republicans got rid of McCarthy. Democrats chose not to save him.

… riddled with inexplicable and elementary errors of law and fact

The gop couldn’t organize an orgy in a whorehouse with a fist full of 50s.

Too often we hand the biggest microphones to the cynics and the critics who delight in declaring failure.

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Reader Interactions

75Comments

  1. 1.

    The Dangerman

    Sounds like it feels good.

    I’m sure the pets understood.

    There’s one perfect fit and that one is it.

    I’m sure all are so excited cause you’re reunited.

    Hey, hey…

  5. 5.

    SiubhanDuinne

    Aww! Welcome home, John, and please to take and post photos of the joyous reunion.

    (Trying to picture Tunch racing around in ecstasy. Failing.)

  6. 6.

    Comrade Mary

    Yay! I was wondering if you had made it home by now. Doesn’t travelling suck?

    Yes, pics would be lovely, plsthxbye.

  8. 8.

    SIA

    It’s always so wonderful to get home after a trip, and there are the little buggers so happy to see ya! Except Juliette the cat, who turns her back on me for a while before I’m forgiven. And then, ah! to get in your own bed.
    Heaven.

    Had recorded Star Trek: Nemesis and watched that today. It was one of the better ones, but I am not happy about that ending. Won’t spoil it for the 2-3 people who also haven’t seen it.

  10. 10.

    wmsheppa

    For all you Settlers fans out there, Dick Lebeau is now officially in the hall of fame. Richly deserved.

  11. 11.

    NineJean

    Photos!! Photos!!

    ..even if the camera lens is somewhat slobber-smudged, that’s okay ….

  12. 12.

    bend

    John,
    when did the site go to this (new?) archive-by-date url? I noticed it last night and though i love you dearly I must say it makes it far easier to go back and read some of your funnier semi-insane pre-Schiavo posts.
    I had a terrible case of insomnia last night and the whole 10-11/2004 archive entertained me to no end

    bend.

    Also, TUNCH PROOF OF LIFE PLEASE

  13. 13.

    Dinah

    Before you dig out the camera, will you PLEASE read Maureen Dowd’s column? I made a big mistake and read it (I don’t know Spanish and thought it was something about immigration). I can’t say it’s the most hateful column she has ever written, because I’m sure I can dig up worse about Hillary Clinton, but it’s awful. I want to write something in the “Comments” section myself, but you and many of your readers are better at this than I am.

  16. 16.

    General Stuck

    The place caught on fire while you were gone. It was a 5 alarmer, but luckily no one was injured and only a few delicate flowers wilted. The insurance will cover it, i expect.

  22. 22.

    D-Chance.

    The hummingbird photos that follow when you click “older” are awesome, as well!

  24. 24.

    demo woman

    Remember that old movie “Don’t Tell Mom the babysitterspet sitters dead”? We need pictures just in case Tunch tried to destroy the evidence. How much weight did he gain while you were out bar hopping in hippy country?

  27. 27.

    asiangrrlMN

    @arguingwithsignposts: The gentleman with the beautiful Lady Smudge kitteh is correct in…giving her cuddles for me.

    @General Stuck: Aw, there’s that handsome boy. How’s your leg?

    Oh shit. Y’all make me think I should read MoDo, which means I’m gonna come back with my rusty pitchfork because she’ll have infuriated me.

    ETA: Just read it. Have my pitchfork handy. Point me in her direction, please. What a catty, bitchy, cruel piece that was. Really. Fuck you, MoDo. With my very rusty pitchfork.

    Cole, glad you made it home safely. Pics/videos, please of the joyous reunion–especially of Tunchie slowly blinking his eyes at you to show his rapture at your return.

  34. 34.

    K. Grant

    Two bits says that the Obamas read the article to each other in their best fake, pinched-nose, fainting couch MoDo accent – wildly mocking her fatuousness and laughing so hard they both have trouble breathing for five minutes.

  38. 38.

    Litlebritdifrnt

    Is it just me but is anyone else surprised by the fact that one little piglet (Tunch) turned into two little piglets (Lily) and then out of the blue three little piglets (Rosie), I will not be suprised if down the road (about ten years from now) we are talking to Cole and his menagerie of 30+ animals… all of which were picked up on the road at some point. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

  40. 40.

    monkeyboy

    @Dinah:

    I read Dowds column on Michelle Obama – Feliz Cumpleaños, and Adiós, saw there were no comments, and so submitted one. I got back the message

    Comments are moderated and generally will be posted if they are on-topic and not abusive.

    so since I didn’t suck up to her I doubt that it will be published.

  41. 41.

    SiubhanDuinne

    Wasn’t it MoDo who got all hysterical over Michelle’s toned arms a year or so ago? She really does have issues, and they’re not all about daddy.

  42. 42.

    arguingwithsignposts

    Can we just can the entire fucking stable of punditocracy – Brooks, Broder, MoDo, chubby BoBo, etc. – kill the op/ed page and make these people work for a fucking living! Gack!

  43. 43.

    Allison W.

    @K. Grant:

    I wouldn’t put it pass Obama to do that. I’ve seen his imitation of Harry Reid – hilarious.

    I’m not reading the column. Some real hateration has been going on against Michelle since day one. Hannity, Malkin, Laura Ingraham, etc.

  44. 44.

    Allison W.

    Too bad Michelle can’t put them in their place. This is why I could never be a politician’s or preacher’s wife. I couldn’t wipe my ass w/o someone having something to say and at some point I would have to check someone.

  45. 45.

    K. Grant

    Totally classless of me, but I was wondering if MoDo desires to be the submissive to some steroidal Hulk Hogan type.

  48. 48.

    Anne Laurie

    @asiangrrlMN:

    I think MoDo is jealous of Michelle, actually.

    I hate to say this, because of course it’s what idiot misogynists say about any woman who’s achieved some status, but I think MoDo actually is jealous of every successful woman who’s managed to stay married — and of the men who love them, as well. Her pathological hatred of the Clintons seemed to be half “How come that humorless dyke gets to be FLOTUS?” and half “Why won’t Bubba do the ‘manly’ thing and dump Hillary for a trophy bimbo half his age, and no I don’t mean some schlubby Jewish brunette intern, either?”

  52. 52.

    Dan

    Hey, what’s up with the text going way off to the right under the right-hand frame?

    Most of the diaries and the longer comments go off like that for me.

    IE8, Win 7 x64.

    Anyone else having a problem with the formatting of the text?

  53. 53.

    burnspbesq

    @Anne Laurie:

    I don’t mean some schlubby Jewish brunette intern, either?”

    Hold on a sec, there. Schlubby? Au contraire! If you’re into slightly zaftig Jewish girls, Ms. Lewinsky wasn’t at all hard to look at. Certainly cuter than Gennifer Flowers or Paula Jones.

    And the degree from LSE suggests she has something going on above the neck as well.

  54. 54.

    Corner Stone

    @burnspbesq:

    And the degree from LSE suggests she has something going on above the neck as well.

    So does the blue dress.
    Bah dum duh!
    Here all week, thanks.

  55. 55.

    Mark S.

    It’s been so long since we’ve had a picture of Lily I can’t even remember what she looks like. She’s a black Lab, right?

  56. 56.

    eemom

    Again, MoDo’s problem is very simple. She hasn’t gotten laid since before most of y’all were born. She may very well never get laid again. She’s a horny, bitter old witch — but alas, her poisonous venom lacks the power to turn its targets into frogs and gnewts. It just spews out as meaningless newspaper ink.

    And therefore, again, the only thing she hates more than attractive, powerful men who don’t want to fuck her — i.e., all of them — is attractive women such men do want to fuck. In the case of this particular President — unlike the hapless Clinton and Edwards — that includes his wife. While fortunate for the rest of us, it is easy to see why such a situation would drive MoDo into a particularly cackling frenzy.

    I advise not reading her columns. It is a win-win proposition.

  57. 57.

    eemom

    @Anne Laurie:

    ah….you’ve said it better than I.

    And in her case, there’s nothing misogynistic about saying it. It’s just the truth, plain and simple.

  59. 59.

    JR in WV

    John,

    How come the spell check for this blog still thinks Obama is a mis-spelled word?

    Lots of them do, and he’s been F’n president for months now, and that’s LAME!

    No offense, I’m not flaming, but, geeze, can’t we fix that?

    Thanks
    JR

  60. 60.

    Anne Laurie

    @burnspbesq: No, I wouldn’t have kicked Lewinsky out of my Oval Office, either. But you’ll remember that quite a few of the Media Village Idiots wondered, sometimes for attribution, why a truly powerful pussyhound like Clinton didn’t just line up the dumb blond ex-beauty-pageant contestants, like a Newt Gingrich or a Donald Trump. The idea that Bubba might actually be sexually attracted to smart women was just so alien to them as to be unprocessable — the whole media extravaganza just exposed so much about the status anxieties and intellectual limits of the DC Press Corpse that it’ll be fueling anthropological theses for at least the next century.

  62. 62.

    Yutsano

    @Tattoosydney: Awww look at that poor baby!

    Hi hon! Nothing too exciting save JC getting in touch with his inner sociaIist. Oh and a new poster who I have a strange affection for but most folks aren’t taking to.

  63. 63.

    Tattoosydney

    @Yutsano:

    Oh and a new poster who I have a strange affection for but most folks aren’t taking to.

    So I saw. He sounds nice enough to me. Anyone who calls themselves a conservative, but isn’t a blathering idiot is usually ok with me. I have some oddly conservative/libertarian views myself.

  64. 64.

    randiego

    For all you Settlers fans out there, Dick Lebeau is now officially in the hall of fame. Richly deserved.

    Feh. More sucking up to the Stillers.

    That ain’t no “Hall of Fame” until the father of modern offense, Don Coryell, is in.

    Until then, it’s just a Hall.

  65. 65.

    Morbo

    Just in time to break the site. (it had been fine for months, but now the fullscreen non-break scrolling problem has returned)

  66. 66.

    Yutsano

    @Tattoosydney: As a great man I once knew used to say, “We all have our quirks and indecencies”. Hell I got to common ground with him on the Swiss and Dutch health systems. I didn’t get around to Australia’s, which I’m still convinced that’s where the US will end up. I’m also going to risk the wrath of the Canadian posters here, but I think it will happen up north eventually as well.

  68. 68.

    Tattoosydney

    @SIA:

    I was just looking at your photo stream at Flickr – your photos are wonderful! Have you been everywhere in the world?

    Thanks. You actually made me blush.

    Not everywhere, unfortunately. I’ve spent a fair bit of time in Portugal (amazing) and Amsterdam (more than pleasant) over the last four years, and visited some Asian countries, and Barcelona and London. I’ve been very lucky to have a high paying job, which I hate but which has its consolations.

    I love the one of the two old ladies in the fantastical cafe!

    That was taken in Porto, in the north of Portugal. The cafe is the Majestic, apparently where JK Rowling started writing Harry Potter. It’s quite lovely – waiters in bow ties serve magnificent coffee and rabanadas, which are a Portuguese version of french toast made with cinnamon, lemon peel and port wine.

    The stern lady and her friend sat at their table all day, and a court of other ladies would visit them, in ones and threes of tall, skinny, dumpy, tiny, equally stern and/or cheerful Portuguese ladies clad in pearls or ancient furs. The stern lady was actually just vaguely imperious, but sweet (from what I could tell).

    Unfortunately, after a couple pages it stopped displaying the photos.

    I’m not sure why it would do that. I also have photos at the deviantart link on my handle.

  69. 69.

    Tattoosydney

    @SIA:

    This is my other favourite Porto photo – the seagull wandered down the road like a guard, staying a few metres in front of the old lady, for about two or three minutes, and even looked over his shoulder a few times as if to check she was ok.

    Thankyou again, by the way – You made me go and look through my flickr photostream – there are photos I had forgotten, which I am pleased to see again.

    This one is taken in a chapel in a town called Evora in the centre of Portugal, made entirely of bones.

  70. 70.

    Tattoosydney

    @Yutsano:

    As a great man I once knew used to say, “We all have our quirks and indecencies”.

    Yes. I have a few of those too.

    I didn’t get around to Australia’s, which I’m still convinced that’s where the US will end up.

    Our health system is pretty damn good and also, I might add, has essentially bipartsan support.

    Our health debates are about levels of funding, operational matters, which level of government should control it, but never (in the last 20 years) about the fundamental idea that every Australian should be able to show up to a doctor or hospital if they are sick and get free and/or subsidised and affordable treatment (as they choose).

    My father had two heart attacks and my mother an embolism and both survived with their finances entirely intact through a combination of Medicare and private health insurance.

    The reasonably middle class and wealthy pay a tax (gasp) and are forced to buy affordable health insurance to subsidize the free system.

    Funnily enough it works and every one likes it.

  71. 71.

    asiangrrlMN

    @Tattoosydney: Hi, FH#1! Good to see you. You and Yutsy can like the new guy all you want, but he is not joining our fake-family. Oh, and Pedro is gorgeous. I think he and I will get along just fine.

    One more thing: I have no quirks or inconsistencies because I am made up of quirks and inconsistencies, therefore making them the norm.

    @Anne Laurie: I don’t think it’s wrong in this case. Every time MoDo writes about a successful woman, she gets nasty. I don’t see her do the same thing to successful men (full disclosure: I don’t actually read her unless others point out a particular column of hers), so that’s a giveaway to me.

  72. 72.

    Yutsano

    @Tattoosydney: Sounds wonderful, it’ll never work here, at least not in this current political environment, because sociaIism and death panels and all that. I wish they’d be more honest and admit what really skeers them is change. But nope.

  73. 73.

    Anne Laurie

    @Tattoosydney: Isn’t Pedro just the sweetest little puppy-woofums, ess hims izzz, and wouldn’t I just kiss hims on his wittle puppy-nuzzles! ! ! (and wouldn’t he just chomp my face off, ess hims would!)

    Poor Pedro, it’s such a burden to be so cute and charming. And it’s not like anyone he cares about even tries to appreciate what he puts up with, the poor abused darling…

    P.S. That is a great photo, in case I wasn’t clear.

  74. 74.

    Tattoosydney

    @Anne Laurie:

    wittle puppy-nuzzles

    There would be much chomping, unfortunately. It’s quite sad, in a way, that no-one except his pack gets to see just how sweet he is in person.

    P.S. That is a great photo, in case I wasn’t clear.

    Oh, it was clear. Thanks.

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