Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

If marriage is the equivalent of selling yourself into slavery, women with self respect should reject the offer.

If you are in line to indict donald trump, stay in line.

… gradually, and then suddenly.

You’re just a puppy masquerading as an old coot.

It’s all just conspiracy shit beamed down from the mothership.

Democrats are back in array!

Putin dreamed of ending NATO, and now it’s Finnish-ed.

This isn’t Democrats spending madly. This is government catching up.

with the Kraken taking a plea, the Cheese stands alone.

It’s the corruption, stupid.

Shallow, uninformed, and lacking identity

Republicans seem to think life begins at the candlelight dinner the night before.

Bad news for Ron DeSantis is great news for America.

You don’t get to peddle hatred on saturday and offer condolences on sunday.

Conservatism: there are people the law protects but does not bind and others who the law binds but does not protect.

Fuck the extremist election deniers. What’s money for if not for keeping them out of office?

Even though I know this is a bad idea, I’m off to do it anyway!

Republicans would impeach Biden if he bit into a whole Kit Kat rather than breaking the sections apart.

This year has been the longest three days of putin’s life.

Never entrust democracy to any process that requires republicans to act in good faith.

Red lights blinking on democracy’s dashboard

Republican also-rans: four mules fighting over a turnip.

“Loving your country does not mean lying about it’s history.”

I like you, you’re my kind of trouble.

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Reader Interactions

115Comments

  1. 1.

    taylormattd

    It’s like you are in the room watching me.

    Just turned 39, and here I am sitting in a chair at work. Where I have somehow gravely injured my lower back, to the point where I can barely move. That’s right: I threw out my back sitting in a chair. God.

  3. 3.

    BGinCHI

    You need to read the label. Sounds like you might have bought the dreaded Crazyboy recliner.

    Seriously Cole, buy a bike.

  4. 4.

    morzer

    This tends to happen to me when I am coming down with a really bad cold or flu. I have managed to pull the muscles on one side of my neck while lying back in bed.

    You are not alone, Mr Cole.

  5. 5.

    The Commish

    When I turned 40 (going on 5 years ago) I laughed about it: “This ain’t so bad!”

    Literally within 3 months of that birthday I needed bifocals, had gone up a pants size and started taking prescription meds for acid reflux (after thinking I’d had a heart attack that was really Category 5 heartburn), and started needing to take regular fiber supplements, if you know what I mean.

    Life’s a bitch, but age is….worse.

  7. 7.

    Restrung

    pulled muscle or pinched nerve. That’s been happening to me since my twenties. Didn’t kill me. A good walk might help, especially with doggies pulling your arms out.

  9. 9.

    beltane

    It’s true. Turning 40 is like walking through a doorway into a room full of chronic pain. All the effort I put into staying in good shape did not help one bit. If anything, it contributed to the spinal arthritis that is the bane of my existence.

  11. 11.

    atomdeprived

    Old injuries can manifest themselves at odd times – the only cure is daily exercise and stretching, especially for your core.

  13. 13.

    shortstop

    I wrenched some back muscles a few months ago while (admittedly rather vigorously) turning over in bed. It was not quite the worst of my many humiliations, but close.

    Still, I will never, ever own a La-Z-Boy, so I’m spiritually younger than Cole.

  14. 14.

    Omnes Omnibus

    @Zandar:

    You do know the answer is “Tunch”, right.

    I thought we all knew that. For me, I expect it will be the lizard-people.

  15. 15.

    jl

    Did I not hear ol’ John Cole saying that he ‘give anything’ to be in the kind of shape he was after boot camp?

    What I afear is that Tunch has hypnotized Cole into following the TunchLife code of behavior.

    Tunch is canny. Previous assassination attempts have failed. He realizes that instilling a iron clad rule of total sloth will kill, very slowly but very surely.

    Cole, beware!

    Probably too late. Cole himself has admitted that he knows that the TunchLife motto is Eat, Sh*t, Sleep. But the TunchForce has got him.

  16. 16.

    Jackie

    After 50 you get sleep injuries: Sleeping too long on one side. Sleeping too long without punching your pillow. Sleeping on the remote control. Sleeping scrunched up around an immobile, 60-pound dog. These are just a few ways in which you can end up hurt in the morning.

  17. 17.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    Yeah, me and the CEO and COO were sitting in my office laughing so hard I pulled something in my back. Getting old sucks.

  18. 18.

    licensed to kill time

    The body, it plays the tricks!

    Do not go gentle into that good night,
    Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

    Just keep ragin’ is all I ask, old dude.

  21. 21.

    Alien-Radio

    HA. True. I take comfort in knowing that what kills me will be statistically improbable. If I knew what it was I could make a killing wagering on it. As it is I’m willing to do risky shit to beat the odds and have a good time doing it.

  25. 25.

    stuckinred

    Shheeeeet, ya’ll need to get on up! You learn to adjust. I played hoops until I was 48, ran till I was 53 and then switched to swimming. There is plenty to do and enjoy.

  27. 27.

    Strandedvandal

    @BGinCHI:

    Exactly! I fully expect that I am going to kick the bucket on a 11% descent @ 50 mph. At least it will be exciting!

  29. 29.

    The Dangerman

    Worst back problem I’ve had was after sitting in a chair…

    …and sneezing (or, perhaps, it was coughing, I forget). Have no idea why sitting places the back in a vulnerable position.

    OT, and speaking of things I have no idea about, a thread yesterday decried how it’s hard to avoid contributing to the wealth of the Koch’s and their paper products; so, I’m curious, anyone ever seen any studies of the ecological advantages of using cloth napkins (and washing, of course) over paper, cloth towels (and washing, of course) over paper towels, and/or…

    …drumroll…

    …using a bidet? Fuck it all, if it kept a few cents out of those fuckers pockets, the bidet is going in ASAP. Yes, I’m looking for the Balloon-Juice Seal of Approval Bidet (i.e., please don’t tell me that the Kohler’s are as evil as the Koch’s).

  32. 32.

    arguingwithsignposts

    better the neck/back than the lower back. Pulled that out brushing my teeth once. I have been the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” commercial more than I’d care to admit.

  33. 33.

    Josie

    Every morning is an adventure. I wonder what is going to hurt the worst today, but, if I get up and move and have my coffee and take the little pug grandpuppy for her morning walk, things start to feel better. The secret is to keep moving and have pets (not too many, just enough to keep you busy). The garden helps too, since it involves bending, squatting and stretching – all good things.

  34. 34.

    kdaug

    Read something interesting recently – 95% of humans who have ever lived to the age of 65 are alive today. (No site – dig it up yourselves, wankers).

    There’s definitely a biological breakdown when the genome thinks you’re beyond your “working years”. IMHO, of course.

  35. 35.

    Felanius Kootea (formerly Salt and freshly ground black people)

    May I suggest yoga? Pilates works too. My 71 year old ma got inexplicable neck and back pain in her 50s after a two hour phone conversation (she was holding the phone up to her ear and was in agony from the moment she hung up till she went into physical therapy). The physical therapist also suggested yoga which she started doing every day. She’s in much better shape than I am now and can do head stands and full splits and the best part – no more neck, back or muscle pain.

  37. 37.

    valdivia

    ugh so sorry John. I pulled my back out a year ago getting up from the couch. that simple. and yes now I have to be careful like a 90 year old woman with any gymnast-like movements. And I am not even 40!

  43. 43.

    quaint irene

    The definition of middle age is not having a lot of aches and pains. It’s having a lot of weird aches and pains. Like getting up in the middle of the night and your little toe suddenly hurts like hell. For no reason.

    John, if somebody can throw their back out opening a window, I see nothing strange in pulling a neck muscle fussing with moveable furniture.

  44. 44.

    beltane

    @Omnes Omnibus: I assumed this was a whinefest open thread so I jumped right in. Under the circumstances, it would be rude to brag about my weight and low blood pressure.

  45. 45.

    Hawes

    Wow, same damned thing happened to me, Senor Cole!

    Except I was asleep and now can’t look over my left shoulder (or right shoulder really).

    Old age ain’t for sissies!

    Or was that ageist?

  46. 46.

    morzer

    @kdaug:

    I don’t know about you, but my part of the world seems rather lacking in ancient Romans, Greeks, Babylonians, Hittites and so forth. Did none of them make it to 65?

  47. 47.

    Omnes Omnibus

    @The Commish: I am older than both of you whiners (46 earlier this month) and you don’t hear me bitch and whine about how age is kicking my ass.

    ETA: Dagnabbit!

  49. 49.

    GeneJockey

    This is what you get for saying those of us over 50 have all gone crazy. Let this be a lesson for you!

  52. 52.

    WereBear

    There might be such a thing as too many pets, but I have not yet reached it. And it’s not for lack of trying.

    I do the Egoscue Method.

    Off and on, and I need to get back on. But it’s fantastic. Strong core, aligned spine, and totally took away the neuralgia that used to shoot out from under my right collarbone.

    @BGinCHI: I’m still laughing about the “crazyboy.”

  54. 54.

    bkny

    my last conversation with my sister we realized that every time we talk it’s a litany of our aches and pains… in my case a pinched nerve – a phrase that doesn’t begin to describe the pain associated with it.

    getting old sucks.

  55. 55.

    The Commish

    @morzer: Taking a somewhat serious turn……As I’ve gotten older myself and seen many people struggle with health issues in age, I’ve only become more convinced the the “Right to Die” is an essential human right.

  56. 56.

    BGinCHI

    @The Commish:

    Agreed, but not a very cheerful post.

    I think a pic of Cole trapped in the chair, trying to get a cold bottle of beer open would make us all feel better.

  57. 57.

    morzer

    @The Commish:

    I agree, provided that there are very stringent safeguards. I think there is a non-negligible possibility of confused elderly people being exploited by “guardians” and unscrupulous relatives.

  58. 58.

    Tonal Crow

    Humbug. While different people age differently, there’s tons you can do to avoid becoming decrepit. Exercise, for one: cardio, strength, and flexibility. Start slowly, build up gradually, and do it regularly. And quityerbitchen.

  59. 59.

    jl

    Getting serious for a moment, this Cole has strange notions.

    He’s already narrated his shoulder injury, operation, and rehabilitation in enough gruesome detail to qualify as an honorary 65 year old geezer.

    He didn’t show us the scar, which is all that keeps him from being an honorary 75 year old geezer.

    Now he thinks he is getting old because of a common complaint of anyone middle aged and older: the mystery minor injury caused by nothing in particular.

  60. 60.

    Catsy

    After 40, the only real mystery left is what is going to kill you…

    Tell me about it. I’m coming up on that milestone, and I just found out a few weeks ago that I have tennis elbow. Apparently 20 years of using a mouse and keyboard for most of your waking hours in ergonomically questionable conditions has consequences.

    This sucks, to put it mildly: I work in IT, am very right-handed, and pretty much everything I like to do other than reading requires motions that aggravate the condition. Fuck.

    Also, still not sure I’m wearing this brace correctly, but after two weeks of wearing it during every aforementioned waking hour, I find that I suddenly have a great deal of empathy for women who want to burn their bras.

  61. 61.

    Gravenstone

    O/T – But I ran across a quality bit of snark after Dumpster diving into the comments (13500 or so) on a Yahoo article concerning Becktard’s crowd size estimates, “Just like a white guy to inflate his size.” I always appreciate someone fighting the good fight against the ravening hordes of stupid.

  62. 62.

    geg6

    Bwahahaha! Welcome to middle age, Cole. And it only gets worse from here. I never had a real aging body problem (thought I did, but I really had no idea) until after 45. And then the whole body started falling apart. Arthritis in my neck, knees, and hands. Recurrent bouts of sciatica. Weird super dry skin problems for no apparent reason. Dental problems. Thankfully, my general good genes and health, a lifetime of doing excellently with weight control, and a good exercise regime have kept me from cholesterol and blood pressure difficulties, despite my bad habits of drinking and smoking (of multiple smokables).

    I had a touch of sciatica over the weekend and had a hard time with my LaZBoy, too. So I feel ya, Cole.

  66. 66.

    TheOtherWA

    Yeah, I tossed something in a wastebasket while sitting in a chair. Just leaned a little to the right and WHAMMO! Lower back went out.

    When you’re in your 20’s, you know what stupid thing you did to hurt yourself. Run an extra 3 miles after work? Your knees hurt the next day. Decide to paint 2 rooms in your house in one day? Your shoulder’s probably gonna hurt. Once you’re in your 40’s you wake up in pain and have no idea why. It sucks. Get used to it.

  68. 68.

    iriedc

    I feel ya’ Mr Cole.

    My back spasms started when I reached down to pick up child #1 while I was pregnant with #2. I could..not..move. My husband had to come back home from his job to get the child to the daycare and me to work. I was an “older mother” of 38.

    Nope, there’s no child #3.

  69. 69.

    The Dangerman

    You do know the answer is “Tunch”, right.

    Well, in older age, he’ll forget to feed “Tunch”…

    …the hearing will have gone, so he can’t hear the Masters Meows….

    … and that will be the end.

  71. 71.

    Linda Featheringill

    @jl:

    If you weighed all the complaints of those of us who are older than 60 years and then weighed all the complaints of the young whippersnappers of less than 50 years of age, which do you think would weigh more?

  72. 72.

    Kirk Spencer

    John, you’re almost there. Now learn the secret phrase of geezerhood and you too shall know the truth.

    “Abite hortibus meis iuvenci scelerati.”

  73. 73.

    bemused

    Look what you started, John. This could easily become a 200 comment thread with all the old geezers that come here.

  76. 76.

    HyperIon

    @kdaug wrote:

    Read something interesting recently…

    I also heard something interesting.

    Two hundred years ago if you lived to age 80, your life expectancy was 84. Now if you live to age 80, it is 86.

  78. 78.

    bemused

    @morzer:
    Old geezers can call other geezers old, also2.
    I had to look up zimmerframe. So that’s what they call those things.

  80. 80.

    Kirk Spencer

    @HyperIon: Don’t know about the specific number, but the basic idea is legit.

    The average life expectancy has gone up because infant mortality has gone down. There’s another big increase due to people surviving childhood thanks to aggressive vaccination programs.

    Prior to 1950, it was normal (not accepted, not universal, just normal) for parents to lose at least one child (reading child as 16 or less), with the vast majority of cases coming from disease.

  84. 84.

    General Stuck

    Maybe we need to fit Cole with one of those “I’ve fallen down and can’t get up” gizmos.

  85. 85.

    morzer

    @Linda Featheringill:

    Roughly: Depart from my gardens, wicked bullocks.

    Iuvencus can mean “young man”, but it more often means “bullock” in classical Latin.

    Better would be:

    Abite meis hortibus, iuventus sclerata.

    “Depart from my gardens, wicked younger generation/youth”.

  87. 87.

    Kirk Spencer

    @Linda Featheringill: Get off my lawn, you juvenile delinquents.

    More literally: Go away from my garden, you miscreant young men.

    Abite – go away!
    hortibus – away from the gardens. (masculine ablative plural of hortus.)
    meis – my
    iuvenci – young men; juvenile males. (also bullocks).
    scelerati – criminal (actually lesser criminals – miscreants is a good transliteration here).

  88. 88.

    Kirk Spencer

    @morzer: Yes, but the times you see iuvencis chosen for young men in classic latin is when they’re being, well, bulls in a china shop (to be nice); Rowdy and disruptive. Thus my preference here.

    [edited to correct spelling]

  89. 89.

    Gus

    Seems like an appropriate place for one of my favorite Catch-22 quotes:
    “There were lymph glands that might do him in. There were kidneys, nerve sheaths and corpuscles. There were tumors of the brain. There was Hodgkin’s disease, leukemia, amyotrophic lateral sclerosis. There were fertile red meadows of epithelial tissue to catch and coddle a cancer cell. There were diseases of the skin, diseases of the heart, blood and arteries. There were diseases of the head, diseases of the neck, diseases of the chest, diseases of the intestines, diseases of the crotch. There even were diseases of the feet. There were billions of conscientious body cells oxidating away day and night like dumb animals at their complicated job of keeping him alive and healthy, and every one was a potential traitor and foe.”

  91. 91.

    Mnemosyne

    I’m trying to get into reasonable shape now that I’m past 40 because, based on my family history, I’m going to live until at least 90 and would like to stay healthy as long as I can. Pilates and cycling, right now, with some walking and healthy eating thrown in.

    (Maternal grandmother: 96. Paternal grandmother: 94. Paternal great-aunt (grandfather’s sister): 100. My brother is in trouble, though, because the men on both sides of the family were gone before or shortly after 70.)

  92. 92.

    morzer

    @Kirk Spencer:

    Iuvencus is very seldom “young man”, compared to its use as “bullock”, which is reasonably common in a sacrificial context.

    The regular word for young men would be iuvenes, or as a collective noun iuventus (from which the soccer club Juventus derives its name).

    Scelerati is an adjective, not a noun, meaning (religiously) polluted, impious, wicked and, sometimes, tiresome or bothersome. (If you want to be technical, it’s a past passive participle from scelero, scelerare, meaning to defile/pollute/corrupt).

  93. 93.

    morzer

    @Mnemosyne:

    Just remember, the John Cole Death Camps for the over-50s are being set up as we speak. Glenn Beck had on a woman who stumbled over some suspicious fencing the other night, so it must be true.

  99. 99.

    EIGRP

    Having turned 40 this year as well, I can confirm that the warranty is definitely over at 40.

    Eric

  100. 100.

    Ruckus

    After 40, the only real mystery left is what is going to kill you
    There are 2 mysteries.
    2. And how soon is it going to do it?

  102. 102.

    Larkspur

    “Evado meus viridis pratus, pubes!”

    Jeepers. Them online translators can be a mite unsettling.

    One time I threw out my neck. It was very painful. I was 14, and I had been brushing my hair. My father took me to his chiropractor. Ouchity ouch, then all better.

    I am old now, and apparently long overdue for the glue factory, but I have not thrown my neck out since I reached my dotage. But that could be because I neglected to become wealthy by stealing your generation’s fortune and spending it improvidently on my own extravagant and very silly needs. I mean, I don’t have no LazyBoy recliner.

    But you youngsters go ahead, enjoy yours. You probably also have those gigundous TV machines that are hooked up to the cable. (Otherwise, what’s the point of a LazyBoy?)

    I remember cable. I had to cancel mine, due to being lazy and having neglected to loot your future coffers. An interesting note: it took ComCast a full year to actually come out and disconnect me. I had free basic cable for a whole year.

    Holy crap. I have to run or I’ll miss the Early Bird Special.

  103. 103.

    gVOR08

    Not much mystery, like nearly everyone else you’ll be killed by your diet or your doctor.

  105. 105.

    IrishGirl

    John,

    One time, when I was 20 years old, I drove for 14 hours solid but felt fine when I got out of the car. I went to stretch and felt one of the muscles in my back, the ones that sheath the ribs, go “pop”. I was thereafter in agony…..every breath was excruciating. To make it worse, I developed a cold…every cough and every sneeze caused the pain to flare up. I took tons of codeine and laid in bed until the pain subsided enough to be bearable. So it doesn’t really matter what age you are, those kinds of sitting injuries can and do happen.

    Unfortunately, I’m 40 now and pregnant with my second child and the warranty is DEFINITELY over. My body screams daily, “What the hell were you thinking!?!” 6 weeks and counting to my due date. Pray to the FSM for me that it passes quickly and there are very good pain medications on the other side of it ;)

  106. 106.

    Neil Morse

    Oh, god. For me the warranty ran out when I turned 35 (and I’m 38 next month). High cholesterol, GI problems, weird aches everywhere, culminating in needing back surgery AFTER I had lost 75 lbs., which was the cruelest joke of all.

    But as Josie said upthread, you gotta keep moving. I got more consistent with my exercising and feel great now, except that every so often my shoulder blades ache horribly as residuals from my back problems.

    Besides, it’s more fun to wear out than rust out.

  108. 108.

    SiubhanDuinne

    In the immortal words of greeting-card-artist extraordinaire Sandra Boynton:

    *First you shuffle, then you stoop/Growing old is pigeon poop.*

  109. 109.

    Josie

    @IrishGirl: I had my second boy at 38 and my third at 40. It is a little harder to carry them at that age but no problem having them. And raising them is a piece of cake. At that age, you are so grateful to have them, they are a pleasure. The only problem was keeping my weight down, since I quit smoking, turned 40 and had a baby all in the same year. Major body shock. I wish you all the best for the next six weeks. Get lots of sleep.

  111. 111.

    GeneJockey

    After 40, the only real mystery left is what is going to kill you…

    According to Nietzsche, it’ll be something that doesn’t make you stronger.

  112. 112.

    Cain

    @Felanius Kootea (formerly Salt and freshly ground black people):

    May I suggest yoga? Pilates works too. My 71 year old ma got inexplicable neck and back pain in her 50s after a two hour phone conversation (she was holding the phone up to her ear and was in agony from the moment she hung up till

    This. Yoga is an excellent way to keep fit. My grandfather was doing yoga for a long while.. when he was 91 or so he was able to touch his feet behind his head. Freaking awesome. You see that and you think, maybe there is something about this stuff. I used to mock my grandmother when she keeps telling me “you do yoga, it is very good”.

    Now I do it. Keep your core muscles and your back muscles fit.

    cain

  115. 115.

    asiangrrlMN

    @Mnemosyne: Well, yes, unless you’re a klutz like I am. Then, tai chi merely ameliorates the pains and aches you might have (says she with two mangled knees after falling down the driveway whilst going to check the mail).

    OK, you all. I’m 39, and you really aren’t making me look forward to my geezerdom. Then again, I’ve already thrown my back out whilst sneezing, so I’m halfway there!

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